Chapter Text
Rachel was leaving. She was really leaving Korea, finally. Giving up on her life here, leaving behind Jeguk high and all the people she knew for an unknown future on the other side of the world.
Hidden deep in her heart she knew what it was she was actually doing, running away. Running away from all the hurt, the embarrassment, and the sadness. The ever-deepening sadness that seemed to permeate every nook of Rachel’s life nowadays.
She was sure no one would miss her here and so she had not told anyone that she was leaving, in just two days' time.
No one would really care either if she left, most likely they would celebrate her departure. The thought caused a slow-burning behind her eyes.
Young-do was still crushing after Eun-Sang and had not talked to her in two weeks. Rachel was not sure she could say goodbye to him without making a scene.
There was always something between them, simmering right beneath the surface, hidden, but constantly present.
Neither could a put a finger on it, but in times when Rachel could have the courage to truly face herself, she sensed it was something undefinably deep she felt for Young-do. It went beyond their combative camaraderie and sarcastic teasing, it was a strange sort of attraction, like two broken objects trying to join. And Rachel suspected Young-do felt it too.
But he would never act on it, whatever he felt for Rachel she surmised, he was not prepared to face it. Neither of them was, and somewhere Rachel was thankful too that Young-do never spoke or acknowledged it out loud. It allowed them both to be cowards without anyone discovering.
They both came from broken families, both heirs to gigantic conglomerates, both just pawns in the game of family, both calculative, cold, manipulative, detached, and both of them so very, very lonely. Young-do and Rachel were-shared souls, Rachel realized bitterly, too alike in every way.
And Young-do was irrevocably in love with Cha Eun-Sang. His first love, maybe his only true love in this life.
The thought hurt Rachel surprisingly even more than she expected it to.
She sneered to herself as she thought of poor, beautiful, perfectly virtuous Cha Eun Sang. The girl had taken not only her fiancé but her closest friend too. It was pathetic really when Rachel thought she had loved both the boys who had then pledged their undying love to Eun Sang and discarded her as if she had never even existed.
So, she sighed and put the final piece of clothing into the suitcase and zipped it up. She was traveling with way more stuff than a normal college student would bring but to be Rachel Yoo, everything had to be over the top.
Once she finished her packing, Rachel flipped open her phone and went through her contacts list one more time. She scrolled down rapidly until her fingers paused on a certain name. Her fingers hovered over the screen.
Lee Hyo Shin. Sunbae. The one who had kissed her back. The one who could make her smile with just a few words, and of course with an offer of his ginseng.
He had told her he was joining the military that last day outside the nurse’s office, and later Rachel had thought it felt special.
He had shared something with her first and not told anyone else apart from her. He had known she could not sleep, her headaches getting worse every night and in some strange way tried to comfort her.
He understood her, but in a way different from Young-do. Hyo Shin looked past her façade of the ice queen to really see that, she was truly soft underneath all the hard walls, just an ordinary girl really, with goals and dreams and a heart bursting with sadness. He cared for her in his own lackadaisical way, that no one noticed.
His eyes, she knew could figure out her every mood without speaking. Sunbae in his own unique way had respected her.
Hyo Shin was the sole individual Rachel had never figured out. He was this creature of contradictions that when Rachel thought of, she felt warmth and sadness at the same time.
And he had run away too just like she was running away and she never exactly figured why.
Rachel decided Lee Hyo Shin was the only one she would want to see before going to London, and so she was going to find out where he was stationed.
The military camp building looked exactly how Rachel imagined a military base to look like. Stark, austere, all flat lines, and just not aesthetic. Nestled on top of a hill, in between old trees it looked completely out of place in such a scenic place.
A bit like how Rachel felt, at the moment.
She had driven 6 hours, the following morning by herself to this godforsaken place simply because she wanted to meet Hyo Shin, which as she now thought leaning against her car door and trying to decide, how exactly to ask for Hyo Shin at the front desk, honestly seemed somewhat desperate.
Rachel was insecure, she always had been. She knew what her showing up here would seem like to everyone (and it would become tabloid news soon) but her bigger worry was what would Hyo Shin think. He already pitied her and now he would know for sure she had no one to say goodbye to, she truly was worthless.
However, Rachel refused to chicken out. She was going to London tomorrow afternoon, and she had driven this far away not for nothing.
She took off her sunglasses and in her well-worn Gucci stiletto heels, clanking on the metal floor a contrast against the heavy thuds of military boots walked up to the uniformed man at the front desk and asked if she could meet Lee Hyo Shin currently serving his 14th month at the base in a clear voice without fumbling once.
The army man asked, “and who should I say wants to meet him?”
“Tell him his friend from high school, Yoo Rachel wants to talk to him. Let him know please I’m leaving for college tomorrow”, she added as an afterthought.
The insides of the building felt cold and somewhat barren, and Rachel immediately identified with it.
The men moved around busy in their work mostly ignoring her. Some of the younger soldiers, however, checked her out, in not very subtle ways. The big windows of the office allowed visitors a little view that overlooked the barracks and she watched men in military gear exercise and run around, some were gathered in groups sharing laughs. They didn’t look sad, in fact, they appeared jovial, and Rachel wondered what it would feel like to live here.
Her ponderings were interrupted by the sound of a pair of boots approaching.
She turned around and saw Hyo Shin walking towards her, and the wide smile on his face instantly evaporated her self-deprecating doubts. The sheer joy on his face was infectious and Rachel couldn’t help a stupid grin from appearing on her face.
“Rachel!”, Hyo shin exclaimed as soon as he came up to her, “I cannot believe Yoo Rachel came to see me here, this is the best surprise I have had all year since joining!”
A few of the men actually turned around to stare at them, one of them even winking at Hyo Shin. Hyo Shin didn’t seem to particularly acknowledge the looks and just smiled awkwardly at his campmates with a simple “She’s my old friend from high school”; hoping to satisfy their curiosity.
“Sunbae, you look good too,” Rachel said as she took in the appearance of Hyo Shin. He seemed to have gotten a bit bigger and his shoulders had become broader too. His face had tanned but those lips she had tasted once looked the same, he seemed older though and even wiser than before, some of the laughter lines around his eyes much more prominent now.
He seemed definitely healthier in general than before.
“Come let’s sit at the cafeteria,” Hyo Shin said as he directed Rachel towards one of the corridors. Rachel couldn’t help when those nagging worries returned back to her. She knew for certain; he was aware of the looks they were getting. Maybe he would get teased tonight that they were together and perhaps she shouldn’t have come here, after all. He had told her long ago there were no feelings between them, mutually.
He loved someone else.
Rachel tried to swallow down the insecure thoughts, running full speed in her mind as she followed behind him.
They sat down at a table in the corner beside a small window. There were a few soldiers seating and chatting with their friends and families who had come to visit, thankfully they didn’t seem to pay any attention to them.
Hyo Shin said his voice cheery, “You can’t believe how happy I’m to see you here today, Rachel!”
Rachel was sure that he had understood what those suggestive nods and whispering by his fellow soldier friends suggested and had read exactly what was going through Rachel’s mind; he was thoughtful like that.
With anyone else Rachel would have bristled at the words, for trying to patronize her but with Hyo Shin, she knew he wasn’t lying, this wasn’t a fake pretense.
“I’m glad you’re keeping well too Sunbae”. Rachel managed a smile.
“Can’t believe it’s been more than a year already since I graduated Jeguk High”, Hyo Shin sighed, “I can’t say I miss it though. Life here is much simpler, just the way I wanted and honestly can’t complain”.
His eyes still that dark and deep, Rachel noted, carrying some hidden sadness she could never understand. And she knew it was not something he would willingly disclose.
She liked his company; only with him, she realized was she ever fully comfortable to just be herself, no armor no walls. Even after so many months, there was no awkwardness between them. He read her every emotion like words from an open book and yet never used them against her like the rest of the world.
Rachel wondered if he was this adept at reading others too or she was his only open book.
“How are you, Rachel?”, He asked lightly, “Reigning at the top of the class, or did Chan Young beat you to it, again?” He gave a teasing smile.
Rachel scoffed, “He beat me by two points in Math. But I’m still the best in English”.
She knew he trying to find out how she was doing without prying too much, the same way she wanted to comfort him right now and had driven up all the way here to convey something to Hyo Sin that she didn’t even know.
But they still hadn’t reached that inflection point she realized, both afraid to get bitten if they dug any deeper in the dark. Whatever they had right now was safe, comfortable, and for now, good.
They were both studying each other, and Rachel was clueless really about him while she was sure Hyo Sin knew her completely inside and out. They stayed in companionable silence for a moment until Hyo Sin spoke again.
“You know Rachel,” He said softly, his hands joined on the table, “Today is the first time, I’ve had a visitor”.
He still held his smile, although it no longer reached his eyes and Rachel couldn’t help prevent the surprised expression from appearing on her face.
She was astonished and saddened too. His parents, his brother even the girl he supposedly loved had not come, not even once?
At her lack of words, Hyo Shin laughed lightly, “Don’t feel too bad for me Rachel, I don’t honestly want any of them to come here. I took the decision to enlist in the military to get away from my family and... and someone else, as well.” He wetted his lips and turned away from her to look outside of the window, “If they come here, that would mean they still have expectations from me. It’s better this way, being some kind of a disowned son. Once I get out, I won’t have to pursue what they want me to be. I can do anything I want to do, be whoever I want to be. And that’s exactly what I wished for.”
He turned towards her, his eyes unreadable, and added, “Isn’t that what you are doing too?”
Rachel’s eyes widened, "how did he know?!" she thought panic-stricken trying to avoid his eyes.
Hyo Shin laughed and said, “Remember I was at the nurses’ office when I overheard you leaving after graduation”, he tipped his brain with his finger and continued, “Ya Rachel I'm not a mind reader you know! Do I look like a psychic!”
Rachel scoffed, “Well, I’m not trying to become a film director or something,” she said trying to hide the raw feelings that Hyo Shin could get out of her in seconds.
As Hyo Shin held her gaze, Rachel’s heart rate picked up again. It was these looks he would give her during school too, making her all flustered inside and not in a pleasant way.
She said quickly, “I am going to college, but I’ll come back once I finish in about 5 years I reckon, and then help mother with running the company. She agreed that it’s better to do business training in London for in the future I would have to help her, and because it’s the best University for business studies in the world. I’m to fly to England tomorrow. And… and I…I came to see you, because… because I didn’t want to go away without seeing if you’re doing well one last time”.
Hyo Shin leaned forward as her words tumbled out in an uncharacteristic manner and as Rachel panicked, he pushed his hand forward and enclosed her cold hands in the much bigger palm of his and held with a strength she had previously not envisioned in him, for it wasn’t that it was just physical, but it was the sort of strength that comes from living through similar shared experiences. His hands were rough and calloused but did not feel scarred like the other men in her life, Young-do, and Kim Tan.
“You’ll do fine, Rachel. In London, in your studies. In life. I believe in you, trust yourself; you have more determination than anyone else I know.” He said, his voice gone down a notch, staring right into her eyes, lips gradually widening to a gentle grin “And always know I’m very, very happy you came to visit.” His fingers drew soothing patterns on her skin, she didn’t know if he was even aware of it.
The moment felt so intimate to Rachel, she almost struggled to hold back her tears. She had never been gladder there was table separating them or she might have cried in his arms and made a complete fool out of herself. For now, she nodded and gave him a tight-lipped smile, extricating her hand from his.
When Rachel had made this trip she was not sure what she expected out of this, but she knew now it had been worth it. Her heart that hadn’t known anything, but unending sadness and loneliness calmed down and now beat with a sort of content she hadn’t felt in a long time.
And so she smiled (a smile she reserved only for her Sunbae) and said, “Thank you, I wish you also use your funny talents and one day make great films and go on to achieve everything you want”.
He laughed at that and they fell into easy chatter, they didn’t dive into old or fresh wounds. They talked about military life, her future life in London, courses she was planning to take.
She had bought homemade food, that they ate, and she couldn’t help but notice how her eyes kept finding him throughout.
They said their goodbyes against the backdrop of a setting sun the scene so beautiful like it was a goodbye out of a kdrama. However, there was no theatrics only a muted understanding of each other, even when neither could totally fathom what was binding them.
Once they had said their goodbyes, and Rachel had gotten into her car, she thought they did not know when they would meet again. But no matter when they did, she would be looking forward to it. The only person she probably would look up to when she eventually returned to Korea.