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“You’re being ridiculous.” Seungcheol muffles through his jajangmyeon, delivered to Jihoon’s studio despite his complaints that no food should ever be around his equipment. Seungcheol promised to eat far from the technology, settling on the tiny couch on the far side wall but Jihoon’s eyes still watch his chopsticks carefully.
“I am, sure.” Jihoon says sarcastically, rolling his eyes and turning back around to play the chorus of a new song he’s calling Come to Me. “What does this make you think of?” Seungcheol stops eating for a moment, focusing on the melody and admiring Jihoon’s skill once more. The guide plays, lyrics flowing and Seungcheol swallows absolutely nothing but nerves as the words sink into his mind and heart.
“Sadness disappeared like snow melting
My tears that lingered on your clothes
All the times you protected me, thank you
If it’s you, anything is ok
So come to me”
“The members,” Seungcheol finally answers, as the track ends and he digs back into his noodles.
“All of them?” He can feel Jihoon’s gaze on him, picking apart his feelings. Jihoon believes that Seungcheol is in love with Jeonghan - a thought that should make Seungcheol scoff at the mere idea but yet just leaves him feeling tight in his own skin and jittery. It’s not discomfort, it’s not like Seungcheol is uncomfortable with liking men. On the contrary, he’s admitted to a few of the members about his crushes on seniors in the past - such as Wonho and Shownu at the same time.
It’s precisely because Seungcheol knows what he likes that he knows he doesn’t love Jeonghan. He’s a beautiful person, clever and kind and an absolute joy to be around. He makes Seungcheol look forward to waking up and seeing his face another day, but isn’t that true for all his members anyway? He might dote on Jeonghan a little more, but it’s only because as the two oldest they need to - who else will do it, really. They have to rely on each other, and Jeonghan has Jisoo too but that’s different . Jeonghan and him, they just get each other. In a bro way. In a ‘I’m not in love with you’ kind of way. “Cheol?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t need to tell me. I just don’t want you trapping yourself in your mind, or hurting yourself because you feel like you can’t risk the group based on your feelings.” Jihoon rolls over to him in his desk chair, patting his shoulder and giving him a comforting smile. Seungcheol returns it with black bean sauce on his lips and the younger man groans. “I’m kicking you out as soon as you’re done eating and if I see a speck of sauce anywhere you are never allowed in here again.”
Seungcheol laughs, but grips the bowl carefully. He’s not ready to face Jihoon’s wrath. He spends the rest of the time eating and replaying the lyrics in his mind. It’s only because it’s a good song. Jeonghan’s smile might be on his mind, rolling images with the sound of the melody and the words ‘come to me ’, but it doesn’t mean anything. He just likes seeing Jeonghan smile. That’s all.
Seungcheol is afraid. Another member has arrived, someone his age, they told him, which is supposed to help but instead he worries they won’t get along and the lack of age difference will make the tension hard to clear with no high ground for either of them to use. It’s a stupid thought really, but all he ever thinks about is how many ways he can screw up their debut and how to avoid every single one. When the new boy comes in, he doesn’t even look nervous. He has eyes that look mischievous and high cheekbones and really pretty lips. He’s pretty, will no doubt end up being a visual. He introduces himself as Jeonghan and bows to the room, everyone bowing back and the staff point at Seungcheol and say something along the lines of ‘he’s the oldest here and will take care of you’, without even asking if Seungcheol will - but of course, he will. Jeonghan gives him a slight smile and Seungcheol returns it, feeling his cheeks fire up. He’s never been all that shy with new people but maybe it’s the age thing again.
The staff leave them to help Jeonghan settle in and get to know each other. It’s already late in the dorm and most of the members give Jeonghan a warm welcome and some base questions like where he’s from and why he wants to be an idol. The kids get tired and head to bed quickly, ready to train another day. Seungcheol takes this time to fill in Jeonghan on the routines, the showers - the bed assignments. The problem being that they don’t have a bed for him, or anything really at the moment for him to sleep on, so they’ve been told to share and as leader he gets to do the honors.
“You’re sleeping with me,” he mumbles, feeling hot all over as his eyes don’t dare to meet the other boy’s. “Just for tonight, the staff will get another mattress tomorrow.”
“That’s fine.” Jeonghan sounds softer, not the confident and clear tone he was using with the kids earlier. Seungcheol clears his throat. Jeonghan speaks first. “Can we talk privately somewhere for a moment?” Here it is, Seungcheol thinks. The part where he finds out there’s a huge problem and he’s going to find a way to solve it or actually die. He buries the urge to scream and nods, motioning for him to follow to a tiny balcony they really use for storage.
They close the door behind them, the chilly February night air surrounding them. There isn’t much room. Seungcheol tries not to focus on it but he can feel Jeonghan’s hand against his thigh from the way they’re standing next to each other and looking out at the city. “I just want to be honest from the beginning.” He hates him. He thinks he’s the ugliest idol he’s ever seen and is about to call him out on it and Seungcheol will honestly not know how to answer and once again just actually die, here on the balcony where Jeonghan will throw his body overboard and take the leader spot for himself. It’s a good plan really. He commends him in his head. “I’m gay. I will never do anything to cause problems for the group regarding that but I just feel like you should know, as the leader. You can tell the others if you think you need to.” So murderer Jeonghan wasn’t real, but he was probably smarter than whatever the real one has thought up in his head to feel like he needs to share this information with anyone he doesn’t want to. Seungcheol laughs nervously, it comes out kinda strangled and he’s suddenly aware it sounds like he’s laughing at him. So genius Seungcheol says what comes to his mind first.
“I’m gay too. Well, bisexual, really. But you didn’t need to tell me that. And I didn’t need to tell you either.”
“Well, thank you for telling me. I guess.” Jeonghan rubs at his neck. “Can I ask something?”
“Of course, that’s what I’m here for.”
“No, it’s not.” Jeonghan laughs. Seungcheol feels like a little bit of weight is lifted from his shoulders from such a simple phrase. Jeonghan probably doesn’t know what he’s done at all, that Seungcheol feels heavy lately and paranoid to all limits - that just hearing that something isn’t his job is wondrous enough on its own.
“Well, either way. Go ahead.” He waits for the question, for once not thinking of what it could be and just waiting for it to actually be . It’s easier this way.
“You’re probably going to be the oldest until we debut, huh?”
“Yeah.” He gulps, feels like the weight that lifted might settle right back in.
“You can use me.” Jeonghan blurts out, cheeks red and Seungcheol doesn’t think it’s cold enough for that to be from the weather. He also doesn’t think he should be thinking about how much prettier it makes the man. Then the words register and he nearly falls over all of Soonyoung’s stuff behind him in shock.
“Huh?” He chokes out, and Jeonghan is already lifting his hands to wave them in denial.
“That came out wrong. I just mean, you probably feel really responsible for a lot and everyone else is younger so -” It’s like Jeonghan’s read his mind since the moment he walked into that practice room with the staff. Seungcheol starts to wonder if an angel was sent down from heaven to meet him, to take some of his burdens and let him sleep at night. “I just mean you’re not alone in this. Let’s be friends.” The last part sounds a little bit like a squeak, and Seungcheol wonders why the man’s usual confidence is a lot more scarce out here.
“I’d love to be.” Seungcheol gives him his most genuine smile, feeling like he could cry. They decide to just go to bed after that, Jeonghan taking the wall side of the bed cause he’s afraid of falling off and Seungcheol finds that annoyingly endearing. The other man is warm and comforting against his side and as they say good night to each other in the darkness of a room filled with ten other boys, Seungcheol feels at least half of the weight rise and dissipate into nothing.
Neither of them tell the others about their sexualities quite as formally as they did each other, throughout the years it just comes out naturally and Seungcheol finds he and Jeonghan are not the only ones, but for some reason - no one else’s confession makes his heart beat quite as fast as that night on the balcony.
The first win comes as a true surprise, and Seungcheol can’t hold in the tears even a little bit on the stage. He vaguely keeps track of who else is crying to comfort them as soon as he’s able to get out of his own mind over the whole thing, he’s not surprised to see the other two leaders crying in their respective corners and thanks them silently for their parts. They don’t go directly home, celebrating well into the night with delicious food and songs and stories they’ve all heard before but just mean more on this amazing day where they finally won.
When everyone is either passed out or doing their own things, Jeonghan approaches Seungcheol with two bottles of soju and that smile that makes Seungcheol unable to smile right back. They sit on the balcony where it all started between them, their friendship. The day that somehow led to late night talks, crying on each other’s shoulders, teasing Jisoo when they know the other will get the most flustered and much more. Little things like why Seungcheol started wearing hair ties on his wrists and Jeonghan memorized the menus he likes most at their frequented restaurants.
There’s some things that make him wonder why their friendship feels different than even Jisoo’s, the looks he gets from Jeonghan he can’t spot on his face for anyone else, the jokes that almost sound like flirting before Seungcheol laughs it off and moves on, the cuddling that if Seungcheol didn’t know any better would feel more than strictly platonic But he does know better. He knows that he and Jeonghan are best friends, family, and nothing more. Even if Seungcheol has imagined more, in passing, before he realized he was probably lonely from the grueling hours and lack of love life and shoved it deep deep down. He’s sure that’s what everyone does.
The stars can’t really be seen due to the city lights below them but the night feels magical anyway, the balcony does, this time encased in its own little bubble with Jeonghan and the soju he opens and takes the first sip of. Seungcheol once again thinks the flush that spread thinly on the man’s cheeks makes him even prettier - if possible.
“You ever want to just do something with someone for once?” Jeonghan is already given in to the wave of alcohol in his mind, talking nonsense and Seungcheol adores it. He loves that he can do this with his best buddy, and think about how handsome he is and how cute and want to kiss him a little because of it. That last part is shoved down. “I mean when was the last time you kissed someone?” Jeonghan giggles. The question makes him nervous all of a sudden, he hasn’t taken his own sip yet, and he feels his body ready to run - panicking.
“A long time,” he manages to get out.
“Right? It’s annoying.” Jeonghan rubs at his nose and pouts, moving slowly from side to side and humming Pretty U.
“I think you’ve had enough, Hannie.” Seungcheol laughs and takes the bottle from him. Jeonghan whines but lets him, tilting over into his shoulder. The two of them are facing each other, lotus style on the floor and he wonders if the sound of his heart beat can be heard in Jeonghan’s red red ears. He hears him mumble something into his shirt and hums in question when Jeonghan suddenly picks his head up, getting awfully close to his face with a look of concentration.
Seungcheol has seen this look on Jeonghan a fair few times, when he’s writing lyrics or when he’s trying to figure out the best way to manipulate a game or how to get food from Seokmin. He loves it every time, and now isn’t really an exception either but before Seungcheol can laugh and maybe dig into Jeonghan’s sides to tickle him - the other man leans forward once again but this time without hanging his head which means their lips meet. Seungcheol stops breathing, his eyes wide open as Jeonghan’s close until Seungcheol closes his too and does dig his hands into Jeonghan’s sides but not to tickle him. Instead he grips his waist, lifting the man to sit awkwardly in his lap and tilts his chin, pushing deeper into the kiss and moving his lips against his. He feels Jeonghan sigh into him, opens his mouth slightly and nips at his bottom lip. The sound Jeonghan makes will haunt Seungcheol for a long time, pop up in his dreams that leave him ashamed in the morning, and it’s the sound that makes Seungcheol realize what’s happening.
He pushes Jeonghan lightly away, still holding his waist and clears his throat. Like everything else that makes him feel strange about Jeonghan, like he wants to tell him that no one takes his breath away quite like him or that he wants to live together long after Seventeen have their own houses and families, just the two of them, Seungcheol laughs it off. It comes out not like a laugh at all, more like a strange mixture of sounds and gasps and Jeonghan frowns at him with his rosy cheeks. If Seungcheol were dumber, he’d kiss him again just for those cheeks, but instead he stands - taking Jeonghan up with him who sways.
“I’ll clean up in the morning, let’s get you to bed.” He pauses, and then adds it. “Buddy.”
Jeonghan mumbles something that Seungcheol doesn’t catch again, too busy screaming inside his head. He’s taken advantage of his drunk friend because he’s horny and lonely and just wants someone to hold. He vows to beg for forgiveness and apologize a million times over when they wake, but when he tries the next day - Jeonghan gives him a strange look and says not to worry about something that just happens. Later Seungkwan comes to bother him about why Jeonghan seems sulky and Seungcheol snaps at him to focus on practice. He doesn’t get a lot of things about him and Jeonghan, but he gets that he’s hurt him - and maybe he also gets why.
They avoid it altogether for a long time, not really changing the way they act. They wouldn’t want to make the others uncomfortable or upset so it’s their burden to bear. Seungcheol attempts to talk about it again a few times, but Jeonghan makes it clear he wants to forget it completely and eventually he gives up. The forgetting part hurts, because some nights Seungcheol can still feel the exact weight that was in his lap, the feel of his small waist in his hands and the soft lips that tasted slightly of soju against his but he shoves it down. He has to, it’s what makes Jeonghan happy and it’s not like he could do anything about it anyway. They’re group members, off limits. That’s been clear from the beginning.
It’s when Wonwoo is ill that it all explodes, that same weight is on him tenfold and the pain of his friend facing pain and the hospital - unable to promote with them - is added right on top. Seungcheol’s chest is so tight, and most of the members are careful around him, aware of the stress he’s experiencing. They’ve all calmed down anyway, with Wonwoo not with them it’s hard to be cheerful. It’s a late night, Seungcheol is pacing the hallway outside the practice rooms when everyone else has gone home, mind awash with what he can do, with if there is anything he can do to help anyone right now. He feels so out of control.
Jeonghan’s face would usually give him a relief, would give him a sense of security as if the man has placed his arms around his shoulders with his eyes every time, but when he enters the hallway. Seungcheol already feels ready to leak it all out, all his thoughts and inner screaming and the frustration that he doesn’t know how to talk to Jeonghan since that night.
“You’re staying up too late again.” It’s these words that set him off, but it could have been anything. Seungcheol isn’t yelling because of Jeonghan, it’s just everything and he’s there and he’s a part of it as much as any member is with their own individual problems they bring to their giant round table.
“Well maybe if you wouldn’t have stayed up that night, I would have one less thing suffocating me!” He doesn’t know where this comes from. Fear, mostly. The fear that he’ll never be able to fix that night, that Jeonghan is still hurt and not showing it. Jeonghan is taken aback, standing on the other side of the hall with his mouth open and then he looks furious. Seungcheol doesn’t get to see Jeonghan genuinely angry often, thankfully, and he’s always intimidated when he does.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Cheol?” Jeonghan yells right back, walking up to the other and from here Seungcheol sees the man’s lips trembling. He guesses it’s out of frustration, his hands shaking at his sides. Seungcheol hates that he’s done this but he can’t even stop, he’s a firework that’s already been lit. “Can you leave that night alone once and for all!?”
“ No! ” Seungcheol admits. “I can’t. I want to talk about it and not just bury it in a closet that someone else can fucking dig out someday and use against us.” An actual tear runs down Jeonghan’s cheek and Seungcheol hates this. He’s never been more mad at himself.
“That’s your problem.” Jeonghan’s voice is wavering and raspy. It gives away how much he doesn and doesn’t want to cry. Seungcheol wants to say forget it, that he’s sorry and just hug him - let him let it out on his shoulder like they always do but he digs deeper.
“My problem is I’m holding this group together for us all, and I’m doing a shitty job!”
“No.” Jeonghan shakes his head, looking at the ground. “Your problem is all that you think about is the group. If you wanted to talk about that night, we could talk.” Jeonghan takes a deep breath and steels himself, wiping away more stray tears. His fiery eyes meet Seungcheol’s and the man shivers involuntarily at the gaze. “You don’t want to talk, Cheol. You want to lie to each other so that you can feel better and say it’s fixed.”
“You think that I feel better ?” Seungcheol scoffs, looking at the pile of things he’s shoved down inside himself - all Jeonghan, every moment that made his heart race - that made him want to throw it all away and just kiss him in front of everyone. He’s shoved it all down for a reason. He can’t just - just - let himself.
“No, you probably don’t. You probably lock it away until you can barely stand it. You’re probably blowing up on me right now because you’re upset about Wonwoo, but we’re all upset, Cheol. And it’s nobody’s fault.”
“It is,” Seungcheol doesn’t know when his own fat tears start rolling down, but then the sobs are wrenching themselves out as well and he has to sit down. “It’s my fault. God, it’s my fault.”
“Seungcheol,” Jeonghan’s voice is soft again and his hand is rubbing his back as he cries harder and harder. “It’s not. He’s sick but he’ll be okay. No one could have known.”
“I just want to keep us together, keep us on top as much as I can.” Seungcheol admits. Every comeback, he watches those charts with Jihoon - they get angry together when they fall, blame themselves and then laugh when they see them rise and realize how stupid the little numbers are in the first place. He knows it. He knows that the most important thing is them , has fought the company again and again like a tiger mom for his members and yet he can’t afford the thought for himself. Here’s where Jeonghan comes in.
“We know that, we all know that.” Jeonghan’s arms wrap themselves around his shoulders and he lays the side of his cheek on Seungcheol’s broad back. “We could never ask for a better leader.”
“I’m sorry,” Seungcheol means a lot with those two words. He’s sorry for a lot.
“I’m sorry too.” Jeonghan says softly, looking up and taking Seungcheol’s cheeks into his hands as the older sniffles and looks back at him. Jeonghan laughs. “You’re not as cute when you cry, you know.”
“As cute?”
“Yeah. Still pretty darn cute though.” Seungcheol’s hands cover Jeonghan’s on his own cheeks and he leans his head into the right one.
“Can we talk?” No lies, no shoving anything down. Seungcheol is ready to put himself first for once, so that he can put Jeonghan first but for his own benefit.
“I’d love to.” Jeonghan laughs, pecking Seungcheol’s cheek as he pulls his hands away. Maybe it’s a mutual benefit.
“He fell for me first!” Jeonghan yells drunkenly, the others just as drunk falling in fits of laughter around him. Seungcheol is also drinking, but with restraint to watch over everyone.
“You can’t know that.” Mingyu complains. “Seungcheol was in hard denial for so long.”
“He’s so whipped that I believe Jeonghan,” Jisoo says sleepily, nearly asleep on top of Jun’s chest. Seungcheol believes Jeonghan too, even if he doesn’t know when the other fell for him. Even after their talk, Seungcheol asked to wait on their relationship until Seventeen was more stable, had less to lose and Jeonghan grumbled but agreed it was for the best. They didn’t go back to being just friends, if they ever even were.
“I can’t believe you’ve only been dating a year. I feel like you’ve been married since like debut.” Soonyoung slurs, hanging off the top of Jihoon’s head. Seungcheol can’t really believe it either. He doesn’t really remember or notice how their natural flow of compliments, support and maybe subtle flirting turned to flirting that made Chan gag every time he was unfortunate enough to walk in, stolen kisses and eventually an official boyfriend title.
“I can never listen to Come to Me without thinking of you choking on your jajangmyeon again,” Jihoon adds. Seungcheol flushes, not exactly sharing that part of his life with Jeonghan. They hadn’t said ‘I love you’ until recently. Of course, they’ve loved each other for years but the feeling is much different when ‘family’ no longer means brother and instead something closer to husband. Seungcheol takes another big gulp of beer.
“Hey,” Mingyu yells for no reason other than to be loud, Wonwoo grimacing at his side at the sound in his ear, “did you hit a homerun yet?” Mingyu falls over, clutching his stomach laughing at his own vulgar joke.
“I don’t know if anyone will miss him next comeback,” Minghao groans. “Let’s just kick him out, or don’t make songs he can use as terrible puns.”
“You think he can’t use anything you give him?” Jun grins, attempting to high five Mingyu face down on the floor and missing completely.
“Our sex life is great actually,” Jeonghan starts and Seungcheol claps a hand across his mouth, yelling in surprise. He isn’t used to how shameless the other is about their relationship and while he loves it he can also only allow so much.
“Alright, I think I can sleep forever now.” Vernon says from somewhere in the corner. “Make room,” Seungkwan calls crawling over to the spot and lying down to stare at the ceiling.
“It sucks being best friends with a prude, and the rest of you not wanting to listen either.” Jeonghan sighs, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. Seungcheol thanks the powers above that he’s getting sleepy, and will therefore stop talking soon.
“Babe, you’re annoying everyone.”
“Shut up, I know.”
“How come he can talk to you like that but when I try to, I get dirty socks in my mouth!?” Soonyoung screeches. Jihoon pushes him further away from him and uses too much strength, so the boy flies over to the other wall confusedly and settles in his new spot.
“Because he loves me.” Jeonghan snuggles into Seungcheol’s side and the leader figures it’s about time to turn the lights off and cover everyone in their blankets, Minghao and Jun already asleep, and Jihoon getting there. “Right, baby?”
“Right.” Seungcheol kisses the top of Jeonghan’s head. “Time for bed.”
“I’m not even a little tired,” Soonyoung whines.
“I’ll knock you out, give me a second.” Seokmin growls from behind him and Soonyoung squeaks and climbs into his futon. Seungcheol chuckles, feeling Jeonghan beside him do the same.
“I love you, sweetheart.” Seungcheol says in Jeonghan’s ear. The other snuggles even closer until his head is on Seungcheol’s lap and falls asleep, too drunk to even try to keep his eyes open. Seungcheol doesn’t need to hear it back to know that Jeonghan loves him too.