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He inhaled a trembling breath and continued through the forest. Like every other night, he was walking alone. His only company was the malicious shadows and, sometimes, the cold, hopeless symphony of forest.
Until he reached his very destination. And there, he was not alone.
No matter how many times he coursed this path. Every time felt as gut-wrenching as the first time. No matter the season change and the winter go. The forest stayed cold for sure.
Recognizing a familiar tree with a huge stone on its right, Thor wandered his pupils around. Now looking for a familiar face.
“Loki,” he whispered. So low as if the trees lowered their heads to hear him. “Brother I’m here.”
No answer came. No word, no whisper. Not even a sound to interrupt the soundless song of the shadows. “Loki!” he called, daring to raise his voice a bit. Still no response.
Thor frowned deeper and turned around with a strong hope to find his brother. They fell into the habit of visiting each other every night possible, after- well after the snap.
They talked, or often watched the sky or the beautiful lake in the middle of the forest. Shiny, clean, and pure.
The brothers were both happy with their little chat. Enjoying each other’s company by the lake and showing their satisfaction with soft chuckles and relieved exhales. But there was something about this peace, which helped the guilt overwhelm Thor’s soul.
Loki was not alive. He was.
The young god couldn’t help but tense at this thought. He used to visit his mother after her death. His father as well. But they always came willingly. And he knew for sure, they had a place in Valhalla. They came to pay a visit and went back.
Loki? His soul didn’t leave since he died. Since the Mad Titan broke his neck, made him struggle for air. His soul didn’t go to Valhalla or any other after-death realms. He stayed on his brother’s side. Guided him. Talked with him.
At first, it looked like a dream come true. Visiting his brother again. Healthy, without any bruises on his neck. As neat as he used to be.
For the first time, he was in the forest when he saw him. He saw his brother leaning against a huge rock near the biggest tree.
He yelled, cried. Hugged Loki so tight he was afraid if he crushed any bones. He knew his brother was dead and whom he visits, is a ghost. But Loki was still Loki. No matter dead or alive.
He begged Loki not to go. To stay with him. And he felt guilty for this. For the hesitant look in his brother’s eyes before he accepts. For knowing the fact that his brother would only find peace in Valhalla.
“I’m here.” Thor jumped when the sudden voice rang in the arena.
He turned on his heel just to see Loki standing in front of him. He closed his eyes and exhaled a relieved sigh.
“Where in the Helheim have you been?” Thor put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. Cold. It was cold.
Loki flinched and gave him a sad smile. “Just enjoying the path, sorry.”
“No,” Thor waved his hand. “Don’t apologize. I just… I was just…”
“It’s okay brother.” Loki smiled and squeezed Thor’s forearm. Thor nodded his understanding. Loki looked tired. Paler, if it was possible. Like he could disappear at any time. He found himself shivering at the idea. Thor put a hand on Loki’s shoulder, brushing it with his thumb. He didn’t dare to let go. The dark rings under Loki’s eyes screamed tiredness. Could a ghost ever tire?
He got his answer when Loki staggered forward, his face twitched as if the movement caused pain. Thor held his hand and tried to steady his brother on his shaky legs.
“Hey, easy brother. Easy. There.” Loki flinched but didn’t shack Thor’s supporting handoff. Instead, he leaned on his touch, gasping.
“It’s alright,” Thor whispered. “It’s alright.” No. It was nothing but alright.
“Let’s seat.” Thor offered him a smile. Loki nodded and headed for the tree. The biggest tree in the forest.
They both sat on the ground, their back facing the huge trunk. The north wind started to blow. Stroking their hair like what a mother does to her child.
They sat shoulder to shoulder, quiet and calm. Loki sighed and folded his legs beneath his chest. Elbows resting on knees. Emerald eyes zeroed on the grass beneath his feet.
Thor stared at him. Guilt clawing at his throat. His brother was tired. Maybe from the mortal world. He wanted to go, they both knew.
Thor sighed and raised his head to look up at the starry sky above his head. It was beautiful. He didn’t want to break the calming silence, but he needed answers.
“Brother?” Thor started. Loki turned his gaze without moving a muscle. “Yes?”
Thor opened his mouth and immediately closed it. Loki lifted his head and waited for the words to come out.
“I’m glad you are here.” Stupid. Thor wanted to slap himself for saying so. Loki’s eyebrows jumped up in surprise. The last phrase he expected to hear.
“Well, thank you, brother. But for one thing, I’m not actually here. And for another, I don’t presume it as what you were trying to say. If you want to discuss anything then I… What? Did I grow another head? Thor you idiot, stop looking at me like that.”
Thor started chuckling and let his head fall on his chest. The same sarcastic, poisonous tone. He was supposed to miss it. But he wouldn’t. Cause he didn’t dare to let go.
“You are right, that wasn’t the thing I wished to say.” Thor laughed nervously. Loki twitched his raised eyebrows to a frown and crossed his arms against his chest. ‘You are an idiot.’ The emerald eyes shouted. He smiled innocently and embraced Loki’s shoulder with an arm.
“But, that doesn’t mean I meant anything else but what I said.” Thor’s smile broadened when Loki rolled his eyes with a perfect smile. He couldn’t let him go. He wanted to. But he just couldn’t.
Loki shifted where he sat and sighed. “Why won’t you let me go?”
Thor felt his heart made a weird movement in his chest. It seemed like Loki had heard his thoughts.
Caught of the guard, Thor inhaled a shaky breath and began. “Why should I?” Loki smirked. “I’m being serious brother, Why should I? I just got you back! Is it odd that I’m trying to start a new life with my only family?”
“Have you been talking to anyone?” Loki raised an unimpressed eyebrow.
“I’m right now talking to you if- “
“I mean a human. I don’t know, someone who still breaths. Not a wandering ghost.”
Thor felt his heart twitch. Loki was counting himself as a ghost (he was).
“No.” Loki rolled his eyes when his answer finally came.
Loki shrugged and gently got Thor’s arm off his shoulder, chuckling. “Well, I guess I already know the answer.” Thor shivered.
“And what will the answer be, dear brother?” His voice sounded nervous and hesitant. Not suitable for their discussion at any rate.
“It’s not you that doesn’t let me go, it’s your guilt.” Loki dropped his gaze as Thor opened his mouth to respond. He didn’t want Thor to see his watery eyes.
“I won’t let you go, because you are my brother.” Said Thor, finally.
“A responsibility then.” Loki’s voice shattered. Thor felt his heartache when a tear linked its way on Loki’s cheek.
“No”
“Then what am I? grief? A pang of guilt?”
“None. You are my brother. Half of my soul. A company. A friend.” Thor felt anger rising inside him. After all, these years couldn’t his brother see? Well, maybe just Loki being-
Loki.
Blind to all love he received and deaf to all admire he heard. Blind to see how much his parents loved him, and how much his brother does.
“Loki- “
“Brother I’m tired,” Loki stated with a sad tone. His jaw shivering as he spoke. “I’m tired of watching my idiot brother driving himself mad with only talking to me, a ghost.”
“No.” Thor felt his heart drop in his chest as he considered what was behind Loki’s words. But still, he argued. “No brother- “
“It wasn’t your fault.” Suddenly, Thor felt a hand on his forearm. He looked up to meet Loki’s watery gaze. Emerald eyes were wide and concerned.
Thor shook his head, breaths now leaving him in short pants. He didn’t know how to let go. Didn’t even understand why he should. His tears finally broke their prison and rolled down on his cheek. Thor felt the guilt changing its place with deep grieve and sorrow.
He couldn’t hold his burning feelings down. Not any more…
“You’ll never be a god.” Loki’s last words. His last try. Last breath. The mad Titan smiling…
Thor found himself lost. Again.
Thor threw his arms around Loki, who hugged him back. The brothers stayed in the position for a long time, rocking each other back and forth. Everything sank in silence, except the north wind who was playing between the tree branches.
They both knew. It was a farewell hug.
When they finally let go. Both faces were soaked with tears.
“I’m tired,” Loki sobbed. “sorry, I cannot- I…”
“It’s okay,” Thor offered a sad smile, Stroking Loki’s raven-black hair. “It’s alright. I should be sorry for persuading you to stay.”
Loki gave him a shaky smile. “would you ever forgive me?” Loki asked, his palms pressing to his chest like every word was a knife stabbing him. “For what I’ve done to you?” he sobbed.
Thor squeezed his eyes shut for a second, letting the tears fall. “I had forgiven you long before, Loki. You are tired, let me help you rest. There.”
He grabbed his little brother’s shoulders and placed Loki’s head on his shoulder. Soothingly squeezing his shoulder.
“Now brother,” Thor closed his own eyes. “You can rest.”
Loki wiped his face and closed his eyes. “rest brother.” I’ll miss you. He wanted to say. But the gravity of the grief broke the words.
Loki’s breathing calmed, and after a while, it faded as the trembling shoulders beneath his hand disappeared. Thor kept his eyes close. He knew what had happened. Just didn’t want to see. Though he could feel it with his whole heart.
The emptiness, the coldness. The darkness and shadows, stealing half of his soul. He had learned to let go.
With the sound of his heartbreaking, the wind calmed and everything went still like they were mourning as well.
He opened his eyes to find himself alone. Alone and empty. Thor closed his eyes and touched the place where his brother sat barely a minute ago.
Empty. Full of memories but empty. Full of grief but empty. Full of love but empty.
Thor waved his head and sighed. “Rest brother, and farewell.” He knew Loki would stay in his heart forevermore.
He had learned, to let go.