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Patrick loved it when he got home to the apartment and David was there. David didn’t live there, of course, but he’d had a key since day one. It had taken him some time to accept that he was actually allowed to use the key when Patrick wasn’t with him.
He especially loved when he opened the door and David was sitting on his bed.
“Hi.”
“Hi. I hope it’s okay that I came over before you got home from the gym.”
Patrick went over and kissed David softly. “Of course it’s okay. I love coming home and seeing you.”
David smiled halfway. “I like being here for you to come home to.” He tucked his face into Patrick’s neck for a moment and inhaled. “And I very much appreciate when you shower before you come home.”
Patrick chuckled. “Learned my lesson the first time you told me how incorrect it was to drive home while I was still sweaty.”
“Thank god you have me to educate you.”
“Our next place will have room for me, and you, and your clothes, and you’ll always be there to educate me.”
David’s eyes widened just a bit, and his eyebrow raised a fraction, before he caught himself and schooled his expression back to neutral. It always broke Patrick’s heart just a little bit to see that. David still had trouble accepting the idea that Patrick wanted to be with him.
Probably forever.
Definitely forever, whispered the voice in Patrick’s head. He shushed it.
“So what brings you over?” Patrick asked. “Did you want to get dinner? I had kind of a late lunch, but we could order something in an hour or two.”
“I came over because I ran out of eye cream and I knew I had left some in your bathroom,” answered David. “But then I found other stuff I left in your bathroom, and I got distracted thinking, and I’ve been sitting here on your bed for about half an hour thinking about it.”
Patrick thought this was strange. “What on earth did you find in the bathroom that bore half an hour’s worth of thinking?”
David took a deep breath and looked up, but just to the left of Patrick’s eyes, an old trick to avoid looking directly at him. Patrick was onto it and reached out to touch David’s face and steer his eyes to meet his own.
“Whatever the Serious Bathroom Thinking was about, I’m sure it’s fine.”
David didn’t seem convinced of the fineness of the Serious Bathroom Thinking.
“I had my pills here.”
“Right. I know.” Patrick was well aware of David’s antidepressants, and he thanked his lucky stars every day that David was militant about taking them. He knew firsthand how hard it was to admit you needed help.
“Not those pills. I had other ones.”
Patrick sat down. “Do you mean—”
David cut him off immediately. “Not recreational. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I know I joke about the life I used to live, but I haven’t taken anything like that in years. I don’t think even my mom has happy pills anymore.”
There was a pause.
“I think both of us know the happy we got from them wasn’t actual happy.”
Patrick had to agree with this. He put his hand on David’s knee and squeezed. “I’m glad you know what actual happy is.”
David smiled more than halfway. “I do.”
“So what pills did you have here?”
Another deep breath. “I don’t know why I’ve still been taking them. It’s been like ten years. It used to make sense. I don’t think it makes sense anymore. I just take them out of habit. I never thought about it until I happened to see them here at your place, because it’s your place.”
Patrick was thinking, he really was, but he found himself at a loss. The blank look he could feel on his face apparently communicated this.
“Sorry. I’m babbling.” David nodded to himself and sat up straighter. “They’re PrEP. Pre-exposure prophylaxis? I’ve been taking them for years and years.”
Patrick nodded. He’d done the research. He knew what PrEP was.
“Well, from what you’ve told me, that makes a lot of sense for your life the way it was.”
David nodded. “It did. And when I first moved here, there were a few people, but … there’s only been you for so long, and really only one person other than you since I even met you, and that was one time, and—”
“David. I know. You told me about Sebastien ages ago. It was before we were together. I don’t care.”
Patrick did care, a little, but it was fading. There was nothing to be jealous of. David had had lots of lovers before him, and he knew in a shallow way that he was benefiting from that level of experience. But he’d have given anything to be able to erase the hurt he still saw in David’s eyes when he talked about some of the things people had done, the way they’d treated him. He wanted to go back and praise New York David for taking this step to protect himself. He was so thankful David had come out of his old life as healthy as he had.
He shook his head a little to clear his thoughts. David was still looking like he was making some kind of terrible admission.
“What’s going on, David? Stopping taking it makes sense to me.”
“You’re not mad?”
“What? Why would I be mad?”
David threw up his hands. “Because I still was taking them this whole time! Because I can’t shake this feeling that I’m supposed to.”
“If you want—”
“I don’t! I don’t want to do anything that tells you I’m even thinking about sleeping with other people.”
“I don’t think you’re thinking about sleeping with other people.”
“Why aren’t you upset?”
Patrick let out a sad sort of laugh. “You’re here, sitting on my bed, being beautiful, worrying that I’m upset because you’re making a life decision based on the fact that you don’t want to have sex with anyone else but me.”
David paused in his spiral. “That … is true.” He rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. “And thank you for saying I’m beautiful.”
Patrick scooted a little closer to David on the bed.
“So. I don’t think you’re actually upset about what I think about the fact you didn’t stop taking them when we first got together.”
“I’m not?”
“You’re not.”
“What am I upset about, then?” David looked like he honestly didn’t know.
“Tell me if I’m wrong, but I think you’re upset because they’re another link to New York David, and even though you know you aren’t New York David anymore, and even though you know Schitt’s Creek David is so much happier, and you know I’m in love with Schitt’s Creek David, you’re having trouble letting go.”
Patrick paused. He didn’t like saying the next bit.
“You can always start them up again if you ever need to.”
David recoiled a bit. He looked almost like he’d been slapped.
“I don’t want to need to. That’s just another way of thinking that this isn’t real, that it has an expiration date, that I still need to fucking worry the way I used to worry every goddamned day.” He was getting worked up, and his eyes were starting to shine.
“Patrick, I … I don’t want to have sex with other people.”
“I know that. I’m saying, if you—”
“Ever.”
“I was saying that. If you ever—”
“You’re not listening. I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. Ever. Ever again.” Another deep breath. “Ever.”
Patrick opened his mouth to reply. He was about to say something like he always did. Something sweet and light and loving, something that acknowledged how secure he felt in their relationship, like neither do I, like of course not, like why would you when I’m such a beast. But he thought for a second. And he realized this was the first time David had ever been the one to talk about forever, to bring it up without Patrick hinting at it first.
“Ever?”
David shook his head. “Ever.”
“Then it sounds like you definitely don’t need to be on PrEP anymore.”
“This is what I’m saying.”
Patrick smiled a smile with a little heat in it and leaned in. “Let’s talk more about forever.”