Work Text:
“You look dreadful.”
Soobin lifted his head from his notes just enough to glare at Beomgyu, who simply shrugged his shoulders and shovelled another bite of rice into his mouth. “What? You do,” he said, voice muffled as he chewed. Soobin maintained the glare for a second longer before he sighed and dropped his head, going back to tracing patterns on his paper. “I haven’t been sleeping that well,” he murmured.
His heart twisted as a few more memories assaulted him. Memories of late nights wrapped around—nope. He wasn’t going to go there.
Beomgyu reached a hand out to rub Soobin’s back sympathetically, but it’s not like he could really understand. He and his boyfriend were fine, perfect almost, no chance of a sudden breakup between them.
And the worst part was, Soobin couldn’t even truly be mad at Yeonjun, because it wasn’t him who had asked to breakup. It was Soobin. He had been feeling ridiculously overwhelmed with finals, the pressure of his parents to ‘leave behind childish things’, and the impending doom of mortality. That last one was a bit dramatic, but it wasn’t entirely unreasonable. Soobin had a rare genetic mutation that put him at risk for a multitude of autoimmune disorders, so he had to take a boatload of preventative pills each morning and had routine check-ups with his doctor.
All of those things built up to an insurmountable feeling of stress and Soobin knew he had to cut some things out of his life in order to gain better control. For some reason, those ‘things’ included his boyfriend of two years. In the moments leading up to his decision, he felt like he didn’t have the strength to be present in his relationship anymore, that he didn’t have the time to put off his responsibilities and be a good boyfriend. And so, in his stress-riddled mind, he thought the best solution would be to break up.
No matter that Yeonjun was the love of his life—something he figured out after several failed relationships—or that he was really the only stable thing in his life besides his friends. Nope, none of those things seemed to trump his already decided conclusions.
And so they broke up. But not before they both exchanged some very cruel words to each other, the anger getting to them both in the heat of the moment. So now, not only was Soobin heartbroken, but he was also pissed. And lonely. And exhausted. And more stressed than he’d been in his life.
A clatter of trays pulled Soobin out of his mind and he instinctively looked up. His heart briefly jumped into his throat as he saw Yeonjun sitting across from him, before he remembered where they stood now. Yeonjun was glaring at him, and Soobin glared back, before starting to pack up his things. His other friends, Taehyun and Hueningkai, looked at him worriedly. “Where are you going, hyung? You don’t have class for another hour,” Kai said, eyes big.
Soobin stayed quiet for a few moments as he shoved his books into his bag. He was a little annoyed, Kai should’ve known why he was leaving. But the kid had always been an optimist. “He’s leaving because I’m here,” Yeonjun answered for him.
Anger struck Soobin then as he snapped his head up, ice in his veins as he glared even harder at his ex-boyfriend. “I can speak for myself, thank you,” he hissed. Yeonjun rolled his eyes, sitting back and crossing his arms as their friends awkwardly observed. “You do everything for yourself, that we all know now,” he said under his breath.
The words struck a nerve and Soobin didn’t have a comeback. He fell silent as he felt a lump form in his throat, even though deep down he knew Yeonjun was right. Everything was just a mess. He threw his backpack over his shoulder and pushed his chair in before looking at his friends—his poor friends who didn’t ask to be put in the middle of all of this. “Have a good rest of your day,” he said to them, before resolutely ignoring Yeonjun’s eyes on him and leaving the café.
There should be a book on how to deal with breakups. Although, Soobin mused, there were probably thousands of books on how to deal with breakups. But he was not going to be that person who takes advice from an author who has never met him and doesn’t have any understanding of his former relationship. And he couldn’t go see a therapist, because that would just dredge up even more problems and he did not have the time for it.
He coped by ignoring his feelings, by drowning himself in his studies and signing up for extra lab time to fill his evening hours. It wasn’t the healthiest method, but his grades had never been better and when he didn’t have time to breathe he didn’t have time to miss Yeonjun.
Only problem was that by isolating himself he also neglected his friends. Taehyun and Beomgyu had invited him multiple times to get dinner—promising not to invite Yeonjun—but Soobin had declined enough times that they stopped asking. Hueningkai lived on Soobin’s floor so he saw more of him, but just in passing, sometimes at the mailboxes. Soobin always tried to be cheerful during their interactions, but his youngest dongsaeng always gave him an extra long hug after each encounter.
It was fine. He was fine.
One day, about a month after the breakup, Soobin was passing the dance practice rooms on his way to his biochem class. It was a shortcut he only took when he was running late, and he was running late. He rushed through the halls, thankful for his long legs, before he heard his name. He stopped, eyes narrowing in confusion as he tried to figure out where it came from.
He had a sickening feeling that it was a certain boy with annoying pink hair that had said his name. Soobin was in the dance building, and Yeonjun was a dance major. He knew he should probably just keep walking—he was running late, after all—but his angered curiosity got the better of him.
The door where he heard his name come from was slightly ajar, but he didn’t want Yeonjun to catch a glimpse of him eavesdropping so he stayed out of sight but close enough that he could still hear well. It was mostly just quiet mumblings, Soobin thought he heard Beomgyu’s voice at one point, and then a few sentences filtered clearly through the air.
“Is he taking his meds?” Yeonjun asked, voice quiet and worried. It sent a shiver of affection down Soobin’s spine, followed swiftly by icy hot revulsion. Yeonjun had no right to be asking those things, he had no right to…to worry about Soobin like that. It wasn’t his place. And Soobin knew how to take care of himself, he had been doing it his whole life. He knew to take his meds every morning and every evening, it was more than second nature at this point.
His first instinct was to burst into the room and demand that Yeonjun stop asking about him, that he wasn’t his concern anymore. He managed to stop himself, however, knowing that that kind of confrontation would only lead to another fight and he didn’t have the time nor the energy for that. So instead, he clenched his jaw and waited a few more seconds to see if Yeonjun said anything else.
Beomgyu answered the elder’s question softly. “I’m not sure, hyung, I don’t really keep track of those things,” he said. And exactly. It wasn’t Beomgyu’s job to monitor Soobin’s wellbeing. It wasn’t anyone’s job except Soobin’s, and he was doing just fine. Just fine. He heard Yeonjun sigh, imagined his lips going all pouty and his eyes drooping. “He forgets sometimes, I…I always reminded him,” he whispered, voice going very soft towards the end.
And okay, yep, Soobin was done listening. He rolled his eyes, scoffing silently as he turned and started walking again. He tried to put a lid on his frustration, tried not to do anything rash, but as he pushed the doors open to his lab he couldn’t help himself. He pulled out his phone and opened up a new conversation with Yeonjun (he had deleted their text thread as soon as they broke up).
To: Yeonjun-hyung
You’re not my keeper. Stop worrying about me. Just stop thinking about me.
As soon as the message sent, he locked his phone and slipped it into his backpack. He had arrived to his class just in time and quickly schooled his features and got ready to learn.
Yeonjun never replied to his text, but he did stop showing up at lunch. In fact, Soobin hardly caught hind or hair of the boy for the next week and a half. He still saw his other friends, and he itched to ask about Yeonjun, but he held his tongue. It wasn’t his place anymore. He needed to stop thinking about the elder, too.
He felt kind of bad that Yeonjun didn’t get to see friends, but he comforted himself by believing that they just hung out at a different time. Things didn’t necessarily get better, but Soobin could feel himself getting used to the void. The emptiness in his dorm, the lonely evenings, and that stubborn ache in his heart that he couldn’t seem to shake.
And though he refused to acknowledge it, his stress levels hadn’t lowered at all. If anything, they’d gotten worse now that Soobin didn’t have someone to hold him when he was so overwhelmed he cried. Didn’t have someone to reassure him or tell him that it was going to be okay.
But Soobin had made his decision, and he couldn’t go back on it now. Besides, he was pretty positive that Yeonjun wouldn’t take him back, if his radio silence was anything to go by. But he was fine. Everything was fine.
It was the day of Soobin’s advanced calculus final, and he had a cough. It was nothing, probably just allergies, but it caused a little spike of worry to mix with the equations in Soobin’s head. As he worked out a problem, covering up another cough, he tried to remember which pills he took that morning. He had a day-by-day regimen, but some pills he took every other day, some he took once a week, et cetera. He used a labelled pill box to keep track, but…Yeonjun was right.
Sometimes he did forget. It usually didn’t mean that much, it was only when he forgot a lot of his medications that he was really in trouble. However, there was the risk of him catching a virus that was specific to the pill he was taking, and if he happened to forget a dose and catch the virus, that could spell trouble.
But it was fine, he didn’t feel bad except for the annoying cough. He would just need to keep an eye on things and if things got worse he always had his emergency shots. Besides, he only had one class today and then the weekend loomed ahead and he could rest up and get better before Monday. If anything, him being sick could give him something else to think about.
He covered his mouth as he coughed again, walking down the hallways. He bowed to a few of his acquaintances, and then went into his classroom. He sat down in his usual seat and pulled out his pencils and calculator, taking a deep breath. He was nervous, math was his worst subject, but he had spent hours the night before studying so he was sure he was well-prepared. He could treat himself to ice cream after, a treat simply for finishing.
And maybe he was craving something sweet, anything to give him a little sliver of happiness.
By the time he turned in his test his coughing had gotten a little worse. There was a tightness in his chest and as much as he wanted ice cream, he decided to go a different time. It was probably a good idea to get back to his dorm and make some hot soup to sooth his sore throat.
He thought about the last time he got sick. Which was a bad idea, because that meant he was thinking about Yeonjun. And how well he had taken care of him, how he had ignored his own health to tend to Soobin’s, going out of his way to make him feel better. Soobin sighed out loud as he walked toward his building, the sadness looping tight around his heart. Every day he was falling deeper and deeper underwater and pretty soon he wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Another cough tore through him and he winced, the pain lingering in his veins as he stopped walking. He hesitated, unsure if he should get one of his shots out. If he wasn’t actually in danger the shots had severe side effects that put him on his ass for upwards of five days. But he also didn’t want to risk a close call, especially since he was alone.
He decided to go ahead and dig one of his shots out just in case, and opening his bag. As he started to rifle through his bag, another cough bubbled up, this one hurting even more.
Fuck.
His shots usually sunk to the bottom of his bag so he shakily shoved everything out of the way in his quest to find them. But as he stood there, coughing loudly, he paled as he realised he didn’t have any.
And then he panicked. He wasn’t that far from his dorm but his coughing was bad, and his breathing was coming in shorter gasps. The last thing he wanted was to have to press his panic button and cause a scene when an ambulance showed up. But as the seconds ticked by, and the pain started to spread through Soobin’s chest, he was realising he had no other option.
He was reaching for his panic button when there was suddenly someone calling his name. His head shot up automatically, but it was too fast and before he could make out who it was he was blinking back spots, his body on the ground. His thoughts were scattered and he couldn’t focus on anything except the pain.
It was getting harder and harder to breathe and it was like his metaphor of drowning was coming true. He thought he heard someone call his name again, and he saw a flash of muted pink before he was being moved onto his side, and there was a sharp sting on his arm.
And then he could see again, his vision clearing. He blinked fast, breath coming in short gasps as he continued to cough. Someone helped him sit up and then there were two hands on his face, wiping his cheeks and chin and pushing his hair out of his eyes.
“Soobin, Soobin, you’re okay, it’s o-okay,” Yeonjun was saying, hands fluttering all over Soobin, his face a paled mask of worry and fear. Soobin stared at him as he caught his breath, the medicine working fast and making him feel a lot better. He realised he must’ve fallen and quickly looked around to make sure there wasn’t a crowd—he tended to attract them when he had one of his episodes. There were a few onlookers and in the distance, two running figures who Soobin dreadfully recognised as the campus paramedics.
“Hyung,” he whispered, looking at Yeonjun. He didn’t care that they were broken up, he didn’t care that they weren’t supposed to be speaking, he didn’t care that they were supposed to hate each other now. That Yeonjun probably really did hate him.
In that moment, though, all Soobin felt was safe. A little fearful because of the close call, and anxious because of the paramedics, but still safe. A lot safer than if he had been alone, or with anyone who wasn’t Yeonjun. Yeonjun’s eyes met his and Soobin didn’t even have to say anything for him to understand.
A hand rested on Soobin’s cheek, gentle thumb caressing his skin. “Can you stand?” Soobin thought about it for a second, before nodding. With Yeonjun’s help, he shakily stood up, his legs weak but steady. Yeonjun didn’t hesitate as he wrapped an arm around Soobin’s waist and helped support him. Just in time, too, as the paramedics quickly stopped in front of them. A small crowd was starting to form and Soobin unconsciously moved closer to Yeonjun.
“Is everything okay?” one of them asked. Soobin nodded, feeling lightheaded and thirsty. Really he just wanted to go to sleep. He heard Yeonjun explaining Soobin’s illness, along with the shot he had given him, but the paramedics still seemed wary to go. “You’re sure he doesn’t need a quick check? We can take him to the clinic and—.”
“I’ve got it from here, thank you though,” Yeonjun interrupted. Soobin looked at the elder, a few weird feelings swirling in his stomach as the fear of what had just happened started to fade away. “And you are?” the other paramedic asked.
“His boyfriend,” Yeonjun answered, and Soobin’s eyes widened. It wasn’t true, Yeonjun wasn’t his boyfriend, not anymore. The elder didn’t meet Soobin’s gaze, and Soobin quickly smoothed out his features just so the paramedics would believe them. It took a few seconds, but then they nodded, taking a step back. “Call us if you need us, okay?” they instructed. Soobin bobbed his head and then bowed. “Thank you,” he replied softly.
Once the paramedics were gone and the slight crowd had dispersed, Soobin turned to look at Yeonjun. The dancer continued to avoid his gaze, instead picking up Soobin’s bag and holding his waist as they walked to Soobin’s dorm. A lot of words bubbled behind Soobin’s lips, and he didn’t know what to think.
How did Yeonjun find him? Why did he have one of Soobin’s shots? Why is he even helping? He was supposed to hate Soobin for what he did, not help him. Not…still care about him.
It was with a distracted mind that Soobin unlocked his door and they both walked in. Yeonjun went straight to where Soobin kept his pill box, while Soobin kicked off his shoes and quite literally fell into his bed. The medicine made him so sleepy, even though he knew he shouldn’t fall asleep yet. He was also thirsty, so instead of letting sleep win, he sat up and pulled a bottle of water out from the case he kept under his bedframe.
“You forgot to put your respiratory pill in this week,” Yeonjun sighed, turning and giving Soobin a lightly accusing gaze. Soobin flushed, downing half the water before pulling the covers up to his chin. “Sorry,” he mumbled. Yeonjun stared at him, before looking down at his feet. The air became awkward and Soobin hated it.
Yeonjun shuffled for a few moments, as if unsure of what to do, and so Soobin took the opportunity to ask his questions before it became too awkward to. “Why did you have one of my shots?”
Yeonjun looked up, before shrugging and going back to looking at his feet. “Just back from when you gave me a few, in case of emergencies,” he murmured. Soobin hummed, picking at a thread in his blanket. That made sense.
As they stood there, Soobin couldn’t help but crave the elder. His entire body was screaming for someone to hold him, keep him warm, make sure he didn’t have another episode while he slept. Yeonjun was always his person, his main support system, but he didn’t have that anymore. As he looked at his ex-boyfriend across the room, his heart ached so much it felt like a physical pain and he needed Yeonjun to leave before he did something stupid like ask to get back together. Like Yeonjun would ever agree to that.
“Thanks for helping me,” Soobin said, before lying down flat. He couldn’t see Yeonjun from the new angle, but he could still feel him. There was a moment of silence, and then Yeonjun spoke. “What did I do, Soobin? What did I do wrong?”
And his voice was so small, so…insecure, that it made guilt rip through Soobin’s exhausted body. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, trying to decide what to say. His first instinct was to comfort Yeonjun, because he hadn’t done anything wrong. But then he would continue to ask why and Soobin didn’t know how to answer that.
“I’m just…I’m so overwhelmed, and I thought that breaking up would…would help lower my stress levels,” he said honestly. “I couldn’t quit school and I couldn’t quit my illness and I couldn’t quit my family despite how much I hate them.”
There was a sniffle and Soobin hated himself as he realised Yeonjun was crying. “So,” the elder said, voice low. “You quit u-us instead.”
Soobin teared up himself at that, a few drops leaking down the sides of his temples and onto his pillowcase. “I think it was a mistake,” he breathed. As he allowed himself to feel everything, he had to cover his eyes, the silent sobs wracking his body. “I r-ruined everything.”
He didn’t expect Yeonjun to say anything, he didn’t expect his kindness or his forgiveness. He didn’t deserve it.
After a few seconds, there was a dip in the mattress, and Soobin lifted his head. He met Yeonjun’s sad eyes and carefully sat up, going slow. His head was starting to hurt and he was thirsty again. But it looked like Yeonjun had something to say, so he kept still, his eyes locked with the elder’s.
Yeonjun took a deep breath, before dropping his eyes to his hands. “I never wanted to be a source of your stress, Soobin,” he whispered. Soobin swallowed heavily at that and shook his head. “I was n-neglecting you, and I didn’t want to d-do that anymore but,” he replied, lowering his own eyes as the sadness and shame built inside of him. “I want to give y-you every piece of me, hyung, but there’s just…there’s hardly a-anything left.”
It was true. Soobin had given away pieces of himself ever since he was a child, a chunk to the control of his parents, an even bigger chunk was taken away by his illnesses, shards here and there to his best friends in the entire world. He saved his heart for Yeonjun, but it was so broken and mangled and full of uncertainties that he wasn’t even sure if the elder would want it back.
Said elder moved closer, sniffling himself. “Soobin-ah,” he whispered, and Soobin lifted his chin to meet Yeonjun’s stricken gaze. He had never seen the elder look so serious before. He surprisingly gave Soobin a small smile before speaking. “What I’ve learned these past few weeks, is that I really don’t n-need much. Whatever piece of yourself that you’re willing to give to me I will cherish and protect and love forever,” he said, voice like running water.
Soobin blinked a few times, his brain unable to process the new emotions that were coursing through him. Yeonjun hesitated, before reaching out and tentatively sliding his palm on top of Soobin’s. The second their skin touched, Soobin wanted to burst into tears. Their fingers curled around each other’s hand, and held tight.
“Every piece of you is beautiful, Soobin, even your broken parts,” Yeonjun continued, voice unwavering, sincerity in every syllable. Soobin used his free hand to wipe his eyes, and then he looked back at Yeonjun. He was so perfect, everything that Soobin wanted in a human being, and he had been so stupid to break up with him.
“I’m s-so sorry, hyung, I should have never broken up with you,” he murmured, exhaling shakily. His head was pounding and he really wanted to lie down, but he knew he couldn’t until their conversation was finished. However, Yeonjun seemed to notice, and so he stood up, pulling his hand away only to take off his shoes and get under the covers next to Soobin. Soobin blushed despite everything, and moved to give Yeonjun space on the bed.
The dancer gently helped Soobin lay down and then laid with him, their heads sharing the pillow. Yeonjun rested on his side while Soobin turned his head, too tired to do anything more. Yeonjun’s hand rested on Soobin’s cheek, and Soobin’s lashes fluttered stereotypically, the feeling of Yeonjun’s palm on his skin heavenly. “You never neglected me, baby,” he breathed.
Soobin wasn’t sure if he believed those words but he chose to in that moment, turning his cheek into Yeonjun’s hand. “A-and I know I’m not your keeper, but I just…I can’t h-help it Soobin, all I want to do i-is take care of you,” the elder continued, voice pained. Soobin opened his eyes—when had they closed?—and turned his face back to Yeonjun’s.
“I l-love you, Yeonjun,” he exhaled. Yeonjun’s gaze intensified and his thumb stroked Soobin’s cheekbone, before he moved closer and pressed their foreheads together. “I love you too, baby, I never stopped.”
Soobin sniffled at that, before his eyes fell shut again and he breathed in Yeonjun’s calming scent. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest and the pain was getting harder to ignore, but he did his best to be in the moment. Yeonjun was here, he was holding him, he still loved him.
As they laid there, Soobin felt himself simultaneously growing sleepier and achier, whatever pathogens he had picked up spreading their poison through him. “Don’t feel well, hyung,” he whispered, eyelids heavy. Now that his brain was distracted by any other emotions or thoughts, all he could feel was the discomfort. But he would take discomfort, he’d take it every day if it meant he had Yeonjun again.
But hopefully whatever bacteria he’d picked up passed quickly and then things could fully go back to normal. Yeonjun got up, getting Soobin a cold bottle of water from the little fridge and some painkillers. “Take these, I’ll let your doctor know you caught something,” he reassured. Soobin nodded, sitting up despite the dizziness and swallowing the pills, along with the entire bottle of water.
Yeonjun spoke softly to his doctor, nodding as he paced the tiny dorm, and Soobin did his best not to stare too lovingly. When Yeonjun hung up, he gave Soobin a soft smile, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “I’m going to go get my things to spend the night, okay?” he asked. Soobin hesitated, swallowing. “You don’t have to stay, hyung,” he whispered. Yeonjun chuckled a bit, before caressing Soobin’s cheek.
“My boyfriend is sick, of course I’m going to stay,” he replied. Soobin felt his cheeks heat up, before his gaze flickered down. “You really want to be my boyfriend again? Even after what I did?” he asked, feeling shamefully insecure. Yeonjun lifted Soobin’s chin, and then a pair of pillowy-soft lips were pressed against his chapped, dry ones. Soobin didn’t even have to think before he was kissing Yeonjun back, squeezing his eyes shut and promising himself to never ever try to keep the elder out of his life ever again.
“Does that answer your question?” Yeonjun asked as he leaned back, raising an eyebrow. Soobin bit his lip, before nodding a few times. Yeonjun smiled, touching Soobin’s nose before standing back up straight and turning to put his shoes on. Soobin laid back down, smiling to himself a bit, the painkillers making him feel a little better already.
And when Yeonjun returned with his overnight bag and takeout, Soobin knew he was going to be okay. It was going to be okay.