Work Text:
Suicide. The word kept sticking to his mind and occupying his thoughts. He knew Ilona had been right. Following Gideon’s plan would most likely end with self-sacrifice. They’d most likely all be dead by the end of the day. Mitchell wasn’t only afraid to die himself. He was afraid to lose best friends once again. Ilona and Gideon were the closest thing he had to a family and Gideon...well Gideon meant even more to him than Will had meant to him. Mitchell was sure that he wouldn’t be able to bear another loss as huge as that. It would make him shatter. And he wouldn’t mind to die in case he’d be losing one of them.
Maybe, Mitchell thought to himself, it was just supposed to end that way. Maybe it was Mitchells duty to die fighting an enemy, who he once helped to empower. Maybe death was awaiting him since the day Will died to save his comrades. Maybe it was time for him to go.
Mitchell knew he needed to stay focused right until the very end of this last mission. He knew he’d better be going over the plan once again for the billionth time instead of quarrelling with his fate. He knew, he was supposed to be ready. He knew that this was what the life of soldiers had always been about: Fighting and dying. One couldn’t ever be sure that a mission would be survived, it never were sure whether you’re going to live to see another sunrise. It was the life he had chosen for god only knows which reason and he did not really regret it. He felt like he never really had another choice, like he somehow had been made for fighting and war and blood and killing and suffering and dying an early death.
He knew this mission didn’t really differ from any other mission. All of them were dangerous, and befriending your comrades always meant you might be losing a friend within the next hail of bullets. Anyways, it still felt different and so he simply couldn’t stop himself from staring into the distant darkness of an invisible horizon, waiting for the sun to rise. He wanted to see this last sunrise so badly, just to keep in mind how it felt to just stand around peacefully, how it felt to know most of the people that mean something to you are not dead yet. He wanted to remember the pain of seeing Cormack die. He wanted to remember what it meant to feel anything at all. So he stood there, waiting for the sun to spread her gold across this gloomy world of shit, waiting for one single moment of innocent nature witness before he probably would have to close his eyes forever within the next few hours.
Gideon stood unseen a few steps behind the private and tried to swallow the pain creeping up his chest that emerged from watching Mitchell standing alone in the darkness. Gideon knew this were their last peaceful minutes on earth. Since somebody finished fixing Mitchells arm good enough to make him capable of holding a gun an hour ago, they only were waiting for troops to line up in the right places, for weapons to be loaded into trucks and planes to be ready to take them to the battlefield. It wouldn’t be long until they’d be transported to the place where they soon might be meeting their maker. Soon, Ilona, who was supervising the last preparations, was coming to fetch them. Soon, Gideon might be losing all he had left. Clinging himself to the thought that at least Ilona and Mitchell should stand a chance to get out of all this crap alive, he pushed his own fear of death away as far as he possibly could. He couldn’t bear the thought of one of them dead. He didn’t even want to imagine how it might feel to lose Mitchell. It made his chest feel tight and empty and burning. Gideon wasn’t good at admitting feelings – not even to himself – but facing death within the upcoming suicidal mission that might as well go wrong and lead to nothing but suffering at all, he had no choice but to see the truth: He liked the private way too much. And something inside him wanted to tell Mitchell that he was special to him so badly, he didn’t even really want to hold it back any longer. It was now or never. They all might succeed and live to see the next day and then he’d probably be ashamed as fuck for admitting that he had human feelings, but he might also die without being able to voice the truth. Swallowing hard, he forced himself to take some steps forward to do what he’d come here for.
Mitchell winced at the touch on his shoulder and could barely hide his surprise to see Gideon. “You ain’t guarding the equipment loading?”
“I told Ilona to take care of that.”
“Finally trying to delegate some work, captain?”
“Better late than never, right?”
“Yeah.”
Gideon cleared his throat, but his voice still sounded unmistakably uncomfortable when he spoke up.
“What the heck are you doing here?”
“Trying to memorize something.”
“What?”
“Nevermind.”
Gideon swallowed again and Mitchell frowned because he had expected some grumpy, sarcastic reply, but Gideon simply dropped his gaze and shook his head.
“What’s the matter?” Mitchell asked puzzled.
“It’s just....I....shit, I can’t believe I’m fucked up enough to do this crap.”
“To do what? You’re okay?” Mitchell glared at Gideon, eyebrows raised, while the Brit wouldn’t look at him at all.
“You gotta promise something to me, alright?”
“Erm...o-kay?”
“Promise me to stay alive.”
“What?” Mitchell couldn’t stop himself from letting out a laughter of disbelief.
Gideon lifted his gaze and looked Mitchell straight in the eye.
“I’m serious. It is your duty, private, to fuckin’ do as your captain says. Copy that?”
Mitchell chuckled in disbelief.
“Calm down, man. You’re behaving really weird, you know that?”
“Mitchell....”
Gideons voice sounded begging and Mitchell’s eyes widened in alarm.
“Alright, alright. I’ll try to, okay? But I can’t promise.”
“Promise it to me, Mitchell!”
Gideon was shouting now and Mitchell impulsively put his hand on the older man’s shoulder. Locking eyes with his seemingly confused captain, he slowly nodded. “Okay. I promise.”
Gideons eyes were still locked with Micthell’s, his stare deadly serious.
“I wish you and Ilona could stay out of this.”
“So you can be all heroic on your own and keep all the glory to yourself? Nah.”
Gideon smirked bitterly and wiped Mitchell’s hand from his shoulder as if it was some sort of an annoying fly. Mitchell noticed his hand was shaking, but ignored it.
“Did you scare the shit out of Ilona as well?”
Gideon chuckled.
“Don’t need to.”
Mitchell raised his eyebrows in question.
“She’s not stupid enough to get herself killed.”
“But I am.”
“You totally are.”
“Thanks a lot. That’s very reassuring. Really.”
Gideon swallowed the last of his remaining pride and sighed.
“Maybe I’m just worried about you more than I should be.”
“Yeah, probably.”
Mitchell chuckled and turned away to continue staring at the slowly brightening horizon.
“Fuck, Mitchell, I mean it.”
“I don’t really get what you’re willing to state.”
“I care a hell lot more about you than I should, okay?”
Mitchell looked him in the eyes.
“You’re drunk?”
Gideon smirked. “Nope.”
“’Cause you’re nothing like yourself and frankly, that scares the shit out of me.”
“Yeah, whatever. Just wanted to say that, before...nevermind. I gotta, uh...go. Check, if Ilona checked the stuff and...well...see ya.”
Mitchell grabbed Gideons arm before he could turn away and Gideon frantically tried to release himself, knowing that Mitchells mechanic arm wouldn’t easily disengage.
“Let me go.”
“No.”
“That’s an order!”
“I refuse to obey.”
“Great. Want me to cancel your participation within the mission?”
“You can’t do that. We’re the only three remaining soldiers immune to manticore. You can’t stop this shit with only two people.”
Gideon stared at him.
“For fucks sake, you’re right. You think I’d let you go into battle if I didn’t need everyone I could get?”
“You’re talking crap again, you notice?”
“I’m not, idiot. You just don’t get it.”
“No, I don’t. It’s my job, Gideon. I’m just a soldier. A simple soldier. I was trained to fight and die, and so were you.”
“You’re not just a soldier. I trained you, which makes you one hell of a great soldier.”
“Alright. If you say so.”
“You’re letting me go now?”
Mitchell didn’t.
“Don’t you think it’s unfair?”
“What?”
Gideon started to sound angry.
“You make me promise not to die, but I’m supposed to accept that you’re in just as much danger not to survive as I am.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not gonna die. I’m not stupid.”
“If I gotta promise, you gotta promise it too.”
“Don’t fuckin’ know why you’d care anyway, but if it makes you happy. I promise.”
“Why I would care?!? Maybe because I care about you more than I should?”
“What the...”
“Shut up.”
“Fuck you, Mitchell. You’re not telling me when to shut up. Let me go, or I’ll break your arm.”
“You’re not listening? I admitted it, Gideon. I admitted what’s been for everyone to see already. So promise me.”
“What...I don’t...I already promised, okay. Now let’s just go to work.”
“I want you to mean it.”
Locking eyes with the private again, Gideon finally gave in.
“Okay. I promise. You stay alive, I stay alive.”
“Great.”
“Great.”
Mitchell let go of Gideons arm and turned away to watch the sunrise.
Noticing that Gideon was walking away slowly, he shouted his name.
“Gideon, wait.”
Murmuring under his breath, Gideon returned.
“For fuck’s sake, you’re a pain in the ass! What is it now?!?”
“Look at this.”
Gideon followed Mitchells gaze and stared into the sun.
“Fascinating” The heavy tone of sarcasm in Gideons voice couldn’t be overheard, but he didn’t resist, as Mitchell softly touched his fingers for a second and pressed his hand, before crossing his arms in front of his chest and continuing to stare into the sun. Gideon stood there, getting himself back together and enjoyed the gift of the moment without questioning it.
What was unsaid, remained unsaid but was silently understood.
They stood there in silence until Ilona came to pick them up and their minds went back to soldier-mode. In war, there was no room for feelings at all.