Chapter Text
5/21/20 2:04 PM
How do I tell my husband I want to be in a romantic relationship with him??
I guess this takes a little explanation. In the past months I’ve started to realize something that could change everything and I don’t know what to do. I asked Ryan vaguely about it and (after realizing I really wasn’t going to tell him what was bothering me) he suggested I try journaling or writing a song about it? But I’m shit at writing songs so I’m going to start with writing. Is this confusing? I feel like it is.
Okay.. well I guess I’ll just start.
I sometimes feel extremely lucky. Or, at least I feel like the universe decided to throw me a bone after putting me through approximately 18 years of hell. As a gay man, growing up in my traditional Korean household has been remarkably unpleasant. There was bullying from my peers and pressure to blend in, but especially as I got older and ‘marrying age’ (according to my parents) my family suddenly became very interested in my personal life, to the point of constantly trying to set me up with random girls from families all over my home country. I really don’t want to go into it here but it got really bad. Like really bad. I needed to get out, so at 18 I applied to university in America. I applied to the finance school because my maths grades were best and I heard it was a good sensible job so I hoped my parents would somewhat approve. Once I got the acceptance letter in the mail and knew I could leave, I sat them down and came out to them. Well sort of. I told them that under no circumstance would I be marrying a girl, although I would not torture them by marrying a man. At this my parents were surprisingly alright? I suppose I cant be the only closeted man in all of Korea, and my parents were satisfied as long as I maintained appearances.
I was alone in America, but I was free to be himself and took full advantage of that opportunity, hooking up with a fair share of people my parents wouldn’t approve of. It weighed on me that these hookups could never be more than passing flings though. While my parents seemed to temporarily give up on finding me a wife, them staying out of my love life was conditional on me maintaining an appearance as a straight bachelor. So no matter how free I was thousands of miles from them, I knew as long as they were alive I wouldn’t be allowed to live my truth.
This agreement lasted for about four years, until I graduated and no longer had an excuse to stay in the country. I had a job lined up for that October at some boring financial planning center, but until then I was painfully available and my parents refused to accept any excuse why he couldn’t come home for a visit. “We want to celebrate” my mom would say on the phone, which I knew was code for “We want to invite all eligible daughters of your father’s business partners over to the house so they can see how rich we are and marry you”. I despised the thought of having to return to my old life even for a few weeks, but gave in after several days of persistent nagging from my mom. I figured I could deal with smiling at a couple girls and making small talk for a few days if it would get my family to leave me in peace and let go back to the U.S.
The flight was long and uncomfortable, especially as I forgot my headphones and had to use the cheap airport ones which kept cutting out. I remember looking out the window at the Seoul airport from above and thinking how foreign yet familiar this home was.
I got to my parents pretty easily using the airport’s cab service and the reunion went.. as well as it could I suppose. There were lots of hugs and awkward questions about America which I answered in rusty Korean. The first couple of hours I felt moments away from panic but pretty quickly everything eased back into the familiar awkwardness I had grown to recognize around my family. That is, until the third day when my parents decided to break several unsaid boundaries by taking me to a business social and essentially trapping me in a room with the ‘daughter’ of one of my fathers Japanese business contacts.
This is where the story really starts to get interesting. Ryan, the ‘daughter’, was blunt and immediately told me they were a closeted trans man and did not want to talk or be involved with me (I think he thought I set up the meeting?). Of course at this point I told Ryan that I didn’t even like women and that this was some sort of plot by our parents. We both found the whole thing hilarious and exchanged numbers so we could complain about our parents trying to set us up with random men/women we have no interest in. At this point, Ryan was the first guy I had ever met who really understood me and the things I had to deal with in life. Of course our parents didn’t realize that and were so excited to see us hanging out, considering us ‘cured’ from being gay/trans. Actually, they began pushing marriage.
And so this is where I go back to being lucky. I mean, it was the perfect situation, Ryan was genuinely great to talk to and it was the first time I really felt understood. This arrangement would make our parents happy while allowing us to live in relative freedom. So we did it. We had a quiet ceremony with a brief peck on the lips and Ryan moved out with me back to the states.
To our parents, Ryan was coming to be my wife, in actuality he would be staying in the guest room and attending grad school (which I was able to pay for with my new job). It felt like.. It felt like a dream. Both of our family issues disappeared overnight as we were left alone by our parents and extended family. Also, Ryan was finally allowed to cut his hair and dress how he wanted with my ‘permission’. Our families couldn't say anything about it because I’m Ryan’s husband and get the ‘ultimate say’. It’s a gross and misogynistic system but I guess it worked out for us here.
It was all good for a few months but around Christmas things started changing. Before we were great roommates but suddenly Ryan started to spend a lot more time with me, text me, and hang out in my room. His parents were bothered that he was always alone when facetiming so he started to do that from my bed. Sometimes he would fall asleep in the bed and would be too tired so I’d just let him share with me. Once it started happening every day, it eventually turned into him moving in permanently last month. I want to clarify these aren’t unwanted changes, but I’m just really unsure as to what they mean. Sometimes we wake up with him cuddling me and when he realizes he’s doing it he doesn't immediately break away, rather he’ll pull me closer and nuzzle into my chest. Awake, it started out as him putting his head on my shoulder or resting his legs on my lap, but now he’ll literally come over and just sit in my lap like it's nothing.
And he’s always making jokes about us dating for real or getting pets but I can’t tell if he’s serious because he jokes about EVERYTHING. Like the other day he actually told me we should start a band and go on tour and I’m still not sure if that was a joke. There’s two times I think he almost kissed me but both times he went red and started making jokes as if it was just a prank. Also, lately he has been so flustered around me, even one time calling me “big, tall, and strong” in reference to how he’s pretty tiny.
I get why he doesn’t want to kiss me, I mean, I know I’m intimidating and quiet, especially compared to Ryan who’s so kind and talkative. Whenever he tries to say something I just stare at him and probably psych him out. I just.. I want this. I really do. I just don’t know how to say that with my face and I'm too awkward of a person to start it myself.
This weird tension between us wasn’t too bad until self-isolation forced us to be together all the time. I wouldn't say I've fallen in love or anything but I really feel something. Or like, I want to take him on dates and kiss him, I want to listen to him sing dumb songs all day and maybe even sometime try singing a song together. But I don’t know how to say this to Ryan! I’m too awkward and no good at gestures and hes so confident except around me where he gets so shy blushes and makes me FEEL things. But I don’t even know how to show him a fraction of what I’m feeling here.