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His letters always find their way to me. The first time, it was a little white kitten handing it over. Another time, it was slid in between the pages of the Imperial Chronicle issue that I was reading. I could never write back because… I don’t know how. I had so much to say. I’d write them down but I had nowhere to send them.
He always said that I didn’t need to reply. That my thoughts could reach him further than any ARCUS signal could. I suspected that somehow, he could read my diary. Maybe he had someone break into my lodgings and flip through my letters to him. After all, he might be officially missing in action but he was still… alive. Out there. Somewhere.
When I first met Rufus Albarea, he already was the confident and capable ace of the Noble Faction. He was the leader of the Ironbloods and while he commanded respect, he had a side that not everyone had the pleasure to see. He was a mentor to Lechter and a big brother figure to Millium. When I first joined their ranks, he kept his distance. I, too, wanted to keep my distance. I didn’t know what to make of him.
It was Millium who finally broke the ice, as they say. “We’re like a little family!” she said, an ice cream cone in each hand. “Gramps is the gramps. Lechter is the older brother. I have Tilly. You and Rufus can be Mom and Dad!” Lechter fell over laughing, smearing his ice cream all over himself. I couldn’t help my blush while Rufus simply smiled and patted Millium’s head.
Neither of us acted on those role Millium gave us. Why would we? It was simply musings of a small child. It was business as usual for all of us, even when things started to disagree with our personal beliefs. We owed our lives to the Chancellor… and there were methods he used to gain complete control over us.
In the end, we all paid the price. Millium was the first one to break. Her friendship with Rean and Class VII proved stronger than the darkness holding the Ironbloods together. Lechter and I were weak. We did what we were told, yet all of it was half-hearted. And Rufus, he let his insecurity get the better of him.
It was once again because of the strength and resolve of Class VII that all of us were saved. Lechter and I surprisingly got off easy. We were able to somewhat return to our old lives. Millium literally gained her life back. We will spend the rest of our lives atoning for our sins. We vowed to never waste this second chance.
Yet for Rufus, even that chance came with a price. On paper, he was declared dead. Unofficially, the Reise Arnor family had banished him from Erebonia. His existence was erased from Crossbell. The Province of Kreuzen didn’t even mourn his loss. Last I heard, he was traveling the outskirts of the continent under an assumed name with his “Imperial Picnic Front”. He never gave anything away in his letters. Just… how much he misses me.
My dearest maiden, his letter aways started. Today, this letter was tucked inside the Lafite paper bag that came with my coffee bean bread. I tried to be more creative this time around. Lady Lapis wanted to send you a doll but a Rosenberg kind is simply too expensive for me at the moment. Hopefully, this humble letter of mine will still bring a smile to your beautiful face.
It was true, he tried sending me gifts. Sometimes, I wondered if the small pot of Armorica honey meant that he was there. Or if the embroidered handkerchief was something he picked up from Parm. But he would never make it that easy to trace him. He knew better than that.
These past few months have been incredibly humbling. I’ve experienced more new things in a couple of days than in my 30 years of life. Some days, I don’t think I deserve to be alive. I’ve done so much evil out of envy and spite. I’ve hurt so many. I’ve hurt you. I sit by myself sometimes wondering why I’m still here.
Then I look at my young companions; I see their life and, dare I say, their love. Love for each other, love for what they do, love of food, and their love for… me. Every night, Lapis sleeps in my arms like a little babe while Nadia and Swin curl up together side by side, to Swin’s chagrin. Every morning, I wake up to their smiling faces, cooking breakfast together or in training to stay as sharp as their blades and needles.
If only you could see me now! But then again, will I be able to look you in the eye again? Will you look at me the same? Will you see the same person? I hope not. Gone is the proud hedonist… I am a changed man. I have many to thank for this change… especially you.
I could hear his voice as I read his words. He had always been a good speaker. His voice carries such gravitas that you had no choice but to stop and listen. And he also had a way with the written word. But these words in particular? This is a side that I never had the pleasure of seeing with my own eyes.
What else have I not seen? It was a damn shame that we gave into our feelings too late. We danced around each other for far too long. The music has long since ended and I am hopeful for another one.
Speaking of people to thank, how is my dear brother? Last I heard, he still hasn’t taken on the mantle of Duke, still waiting for our injudicious father to see the error of his ways. Jusis definitely takes after his mother, pure and kind-hearted, while I’m of Albarea blood through and through. Proud and foolish.
In all of his letters, he mentions Jusis. Clearly, the love between the brothers is unbreakable. The acting duke himself had contacted me, hoping for what little kernel of information was out there about his brother. Rufus himself decided to sever contacts with him, at least for the time being.
I even heard whispers of a potential partnership between Jusis and the son of the Governor, or should I say, Chancellor Regnitz. Nadia blushes at the mention; she recently found one of those “boys love” books in - oh, I almost gave our current location away! (Someday, my love.)
A blush crept up my own face.
I absolutely have no objections if my brother decides to pursue such romantic endeavors. I think it’s marvelous that he finally found his match in young Machias. But alas, it could simply be a professional relationship to strengthen ties between the nobility and the capital. Yet, a marriage can serve the same purpose. I must tease my brother about this! I must find a way!
I burst out laughing. That was another side of Rufus that not a lot of people saw, the doting brother. His face softened and his voice took on a teasing tone whenever Jusis was around. Given their true family arrangement, he held no ill will against Jusis. It was like he raised the young noble with his own two hands.
Silly me, I should’ve asked about how you are faring at the very top of this letter. I guess a part of me is still one selfish noble. I kid! I know you are doing relatively well. You are a strong woman with loving people surrounding her. I wish to be one of them again one day.
You are, Rufus. Always.
I had to put the letter down. Tears suddenly sprang from my eyes.
We only ever shared one kiss. It was on the eve of Operation Jormungandr. Right in front of the Auric Knight, he pulled me against him. I sank into his touch. I wanted more - more time with him, more kisses from him. Then the world started to burn not too long after that one sweet moment. Looking back on it now, it was like he was saying goodbye. After the war, he saved us one last time.
We’ll get there some day. I won’t ask you to wait for me but I’m hoping that when my moment of redemption comes, you can spare me a second of your time. I simply wish to be able to hold your hand once more. Even when we’re old and gray, before Aidios or Gehenna truly takes my soul, I hope to see you one more time and tell you my true feelings in person.
But for now, this letter will have to do.
I love you, my sweet Claire.
Always, R.
Suddenly, I was grateful for the privacy provided by the umbrellas outside Inn Foresta. It cast a shadow over my face which was for sure a mess with tears and longing. We never got to say those words out loud to each other. Will we ever get that chance?
I folded up the letter and tucked it safely away. My hands were itching to reach out to him. How, I knew not but I want my feelings out there.
Grabbing a pen from my side pouch, I reached for the discarded paper bag. There, I wrote the simple words that said so much.
I miss you. I love you. -C
Folding it tightly, I slid it in between the slats on the table, joining the random receipts and dried leaves littering the area. Kathy or Mash would clean it all up by day’s end, dismissing it as trash. But by writing it out, it becomes a tangible thing. It becomes real.
Life goes on. Zemuria is slowly mending. I am slowly recovering. I hope Rufus, wherever he is right now, is healing.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A little girl approached the table that was recently vacated by an officer of the RMP. She clambered up the chair, observing her surroundings. She reached out to a piece of brown paper sticking out from the middle and pocketed it.
The girl swung her legs gleefully. To anyone looking at her, she looked like a little noble girl with bouncy pink-purple ringlets, pristine gloves and stockings, and a frilly dress. Her eyes were a curiosity; having different colors in each eye.
“Stupid Rufus made the lady cry,” she said to herself. “No Mishy bun for you, mister.”
After a few minutes, the little girl hopped off the chair and disappeared into the busy Heimdallr streets.
(There is no beta in sight. Mistakes are no fault of anyone but my own. Scream at me - about them or just Kiseki in general - @tonicate10 on Twitter.)