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“Don’t you think this is just a little much?” Phoenix grumbles.
“You know me, Wright,” Edgeworth says, securing the handcuffs that are keeping Phoenix stuck to this goddamn table. The handcuffs aren’t too tight, but Phoenix can feel where they’d be sharp if he pulled, so he doesn’t. “I value the truth above all else in this household.”
“This household?” he retorts incredulously. “That makes so much sense. Of course, an interrogation room in the fucking police department is a part of our household! How silly of me to forget!”
“I’m sorry,” Edgeworth says. He doesn’t sound the least bit sorry. “You’re our main suspect, Wright.”
“Our,” Phoenix repeats. “This is a one-man manhunt, Edgeworth.”
Edgeworth settles into the chair on the other side of the table. “Be that as it may, I have some questions for you.”
“Of course you do,” Phoenix grumbles. There’s no heat behind it. He rattles the chains on the handcuffs and slumps back in his own chair, which is probably engineered to be uncomfortable based on the way it settles against his shoulderblades. “Aren’t these for dangerous criminals?”
“I can’t risk you running.” Edgeworth leans forward. “Now, I’d like you to tell me what you were doing last night.”
“Sleeping. In the bed.” He glares. “With you.”
“A witness places you in the hallway at around one.”
“YOU ARE THE WITNESS,” Phoenix says loudly. Evidently, this doesn’t deter Edgeworth, who straightens his jabot.
“The truth, Wright! I only want the truth! Now, what were you doing in the hallway?”
“Getting a glass of water,” Phoenix says. “Or on the way to get one. Because I was thirsty, because you fell asleep on me earlier that evening, and instead of getting my usual pre-bed glass of water, I had to carry you to bed, and then you pulled me in and insisted on cuddles.”
“I did not insist-”
“You physically wrapped around me, Edgeworth. Like a fucking limpet. I think that qualifies as insisting.” He refrains from complaining about how goddamn cold Edgeworth’s hands were, because that will only get him cold hands on the back of his neck, and he won’t even be able to fight back, because- once again- he is fucking handcuffed to a metal table, the asshole.
“Did you get your water in a glass?” Edgeworth asks.
“No, I got it in one of the plastic cups we keep around. You know I prefer those.”
“Then why did you say a glass of water, hm?”
“That is the most pedantic-” Phoenix bristles. I didn’t do it! “Because it’s a common turn of phrase, Edgeworth, not everything is a contradiction!”
Edgeworth tsks at him. “You’re one to talk, Wright. You’ve destroyed cases for smaller discrepancies. If you got a cup of water, why was there no such cup in the sink?”
“I washed it and put it away,” Phoenix says flatly. You got me up at seven? For this?
“The sink was dry when I checked.”
“Because I got the water at one AM, and you checked at 6:30. There’s this great thing called evaporation, Edgeworth.”
“Did you immediately go back to bed after retrieving the water?”
“Yes,” Phoenix says.
“Hmm. Is that so? I distinctly remember,” Edgeworth says, giving him a shark-tooth smirk, “the bed being cold for a fair few minutes.”
“I didn’t mean to wake you, Edgeworth. And anyway, I went to bed immediately after getting the water.”
“Ah, but what if you committed the crime while getting the water?” He taps a finger to his forehead. Phoenix wishes, not for the first time, that he was asleep in bed right now.
“Edgeworth. Miles. I have committed no crimes.”
“Ah, but then why were there crumbs found in the kitchen?”
“I probably dropped them while I was getting breakfast this morning,” Phoenix says.
“Ah,” Edgeworth says, smiling his gotcha grin. “But I woke up earlier than you! How do you explain that, Wright?” He follows this up with one of his stupid little bows that normally, Phoenix would find fairly attractive, if it wasn’t angled directly at him.
“Then I dropped them while getting dinner last night! Or you did!”
“Objection!”
“Edgeworth, we’re not in court-”
“I vacuumed last night after dinner, because Pess is shedding, and I swept the floors, too! So if there are crumbs, they have to be from the hours between nine PM and seven AM!”
“Well, they’re not from me!” Phoenix glares. “If you were awake, who’s to say it wasn’t you?”
“Because! I,” Edgeworth says, slamming a hand on the table and making the handcuff chains rattle, “had been saving that last limited-edition Steel Samurai gingerbread cookie for after I finished my current case!”
“Who’s to say you didn’t just eat it early?”
“Have you ever known me to break my self-control? Except when it comes to you- but the Steel Samurai has nothing to do with you.”
“...fair,” Phoenix says. “So if it wasn’t you, and it wasn’t me- Trucy?”
“She’s away in Kurain, remember? But you were on the scene at the time of the crime! You have no alibi! And crumbs were found there! Additionally,” Edgeworth says, pounding on the table, “your fingerprints were found on the bag!”
Phoenix blanches. “They were? Uh… I think I might have touched them when I was rearranging the cabinet. Plus, your fingerprints would be there too, wouldn’t they?”
“Well, yes, but the presence of mine makes sense, since I was the one eating them!”
“Is that a confession?”
“You know that’s not what I meant.” Edgeworth glowers at him.
“Do I?” Phoenix says. It’s an intentional antagonization, since he knows he’s going to be falsely “convicted,” apparently, which in this case probably means he’ll be making dinner for the next week.
Edgeworth scowls. “Stop derailing! All the evidence adds up to you! Tell the truth, Phoenix!”
“Well, I-”
“Mr. Edgeworth!” Oh, thank God for Gumshoe. The detective appears in the door, his eyes skidding over the scene- Phoenix watches his eyebrows furrow as he notices Phoenix cuffed to the table. Phoenix gives him a sheepish grin. “Uh… sorry to, uh, interrupt this, but you’re, uh, needed elsewhere, sir. With one of the new prosecutors.”
“This isn’t over,” Edgeworth snaps, and storms out.
Without unchaining Phoenix from the table.
“Uh,” he calls, after a long moment. “Miles? Gumshoe? Detective Gumshoe?”
“Damn, just pick the lock,” says a new voice. Phoenix whips around to look at the newcomer, and has to glance around for a moment before seeing a girl crouched in the window.
“Uh,” Phoenix says. “Who are you?”
“Oh, I love this part,” she grins, before taking a deep breath. “Even in the depths of night! When no other bird dares take flight! One alone soars to shine the light of righteousness on the world’s blight! And that one is me, for I am the Great Thief Yatagarasu!”
Phoenix blinks at her. “Uh… as a lawyer, I feel like that’s probably a pretty bad thing to declare on first meeting, but also why are you here?”
“Jailbreak!” The Yatagarasu waves what appear to be a set of lockpicks, before hopping to the floor. “I got Gummy to distract Mr. Edgeworth, so let me break you out of here, Phoenix Wright, ‘cause I know you’re innocent!”
“Wait a second- if you’re a Great Thief...”
“Yeah, okay, it was me.” She starts picking the locks on his handcuffs. “I ate it. I didn’t know it was limited edition. I’ve been working with Mr. Edgeworth since I was like seventeen, though, so whatever. All right, come on, let’s get out of here.”
Phoenix sighs, and stands with a crack of his knees. He shakes out one wrist at a time. “I guess we’re doing this. Nice to meet you, Yatagarasu, how… do we get out?”
She turns and takes a running start before clambering up into the small barred window, then offers a hand. Ah, to be that flexible. “All right, come on up.”
“You sure we can get out from there? Followup, you sure you can pull me up?”
“Don’t underestimate the Yatagarasu,” the girl grins at him. “Come on, defense attorney Phoenix Wright.”
That night, when Miles, mildly fuming, finds him at home, he also finds a letter on the table. Sorry, it reads, didn’t know they were limited edition! Tasty, though. It has a card on top of it- white with a black crow.
“I found her business card in my pocket,” Phoenix tells him, showing him. The little text reads Kay Faraday - Attorney at Law ⋄ Criminal Defense Attorney, Los Angeles. “Honestly, I know I should report her to the Bar Association, but I’m a little impressed?”
“Please don’t get her disbarred,” Miles grumbles. “But she deserves it after that stunt she pulled.”
Phoenix points out, “You handcuffed me to a table.”
“I thought it was you,” Miles says. “I do apologize.”
“Mmm.” Phoenix leans back to kiss him. “I think I can accept your apology. We can see if we can pick some more up at Super Fantasy Land, okay?”
“I suppose that is an acceptable compromise,” Miles says, begrudgingly.
“And change the locks,” Phoenix adds.