Archive of Our Own ^beta

"A small gathering of our closest friends," Jane said, as she smooshed the wedding veil down on her head. "Hah!"

Tookie made an exasperated noise and reached up to gently remove the veil before Jane did any more damage. "Relax, Jane. It's all going to be just fine."

Jane turned away from the mirror to face her maid-of-honor. "You just had to say that, didn't you? You've just insured a complete disaster."

"You humans are so superstitious." Tookie smoothed out the veil, then carefully placed it on Jane's head. She fussed with it, making sure it was just right. "Oh, Jane," she breathed. Taking her by the shoulders, Tookie turned her to face the full length mirror.

Jane stared, then started blinking, hard.

"Now don't cry, Jane. You don't want to look like a Neptunian rat-lizard on your wedding day."

"No, I don't," she said, sniffling a little as Tookie handed her a hanky.

"Dis place is crawlin' with cops!" Tenzik exclaimed.

"What'd you expect, you dim-wit!" Sencho replied, delivering a smack to the back of Tenzik's head. "Dat's why we're here!"

Tenzik yelped and rubbed his head, then yelped again as a tarn in a cop uniform came around the corner. Grabbing Sencho, Tenzik ducked through a door into a room decked out like a palace. Shiny blue fabric draped the walls and flowers spilled out of pots and urns all around the room.

Sencho gave a low whistle. "What do you think all this cost?" His fingers wiggled like he was itching to grab the silverware off the tables and stuff it into his pockets.

Tenzik pointed at a sign written in big fancy letters. "I don't know, but we're in the right place."

Sencho chuckled when he read the name 'Haldane' on the sign.

"Something small," Jack said, yanking viciously at his tie. "A private little ceremony with just our family and closest friends. Hah!"

"Cut it out, Haldane, before you choke yourself," Brogan said, brushing Jack's hands aside. Taking control of the crumpled fabric, Brogan worked a small miracle and produced a perfect black bow under Jack's chin.

"A dozen or so of our closest friends and family," Jack repeated, glaring at Brogan as if it was somehow his fault. "The next thing I know, everyone I work with is informing me, informing not asking, about invitations."

Jack turned and snatched up a delicate white flower from a nearby table. Brogan lunged for the flower, removing it from Jack's hand before he could mangle it. Lips quirked in amusement, Brogan pinned the flower to Jack's lapel.

"We were supposed to get married at the Judge's office, but no!" Jack said. "Anybody who ever walked by me in the hall wants an invite."

Brogan suppressed an outright smile. With the mood Jack was in, he'd probably punch Brogan in the nose if he showed just how amusing he found the situation.

No one had been surprised when Jack and Jane announced their engagement. The real surprise was how the simple ceremony the couple wanted exploded into the social event of the season. As the guest list had swelled from twenty to a hundred to a whopping five hundred people, so had the frenzy surrounding the event.

Almost the entire staff of the 88th Precinct would be there. Police officers from all over Demeter City had been brought in to cover all three shifts so that even Slo-mo could attend. The mayor and his wife, as well as a number of minor celebrities and politicians that Jack had never met, would all be there to witness the most important day of his life.

Brogan clapped his hands on Jack's shoulders, then guided him to the full length mirror. Jack took one look at his carefully styled hair, the tuxedo, the flower in his lapel and his jaw dropped. Brogan let Jack admire his reflection for a moment, then tugged him toward the door.

"C'mon. You don't want to be late for your own wedding."

The creon wedding planner looked like everybody's favorite auntie with her softly curled hair and her powder blue suit, but barked orders like a drill sergeant. Clipboard in hand, Miss Elkrin began to get the wedding party in order, lining up the members in the vestibule outside the ceremonial hall. The bridesmaids and groomsmen, all seasoned police officers, were terrified of her.

"She reminds me of a school teacher I had," Jack muttered to Brogan. "The one that used to rap my knuckles with a ruler."

Face stern, Miss Elkrin turned her glare on Jack. "Do you have something to say? Perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of us."

"No," Jack said, his holding his hands up in a defensive pose, "No, I've got nothing to say."

"Good! No more talking until it's time to take your vows." To Jack's relief, she turned back to the line of bridesmaids and groomsmen, and tapped her fingers loudly on her clipboard. "Everyone quiet! Take your places."

The minister, a tarn fully decked out in black robes embroidered with tarn, creon and human symbols of peace, viewed the proceedings with a sour expression. There was some kind of long-standing feud between the minister and the wedding planner, but no one had been able to figure out what the problem was. Between the two of them, they'd managed to turn an already difficult situation into a nightmare.

Jack had never wanted anything over and done with so badly in his life.

When Orrin and Romek peeked through the door, the first person they spotted was the wedding planner waving her clipboard threateningly and snapping orders like Captain Podley on a bad day.

Gasping, they let the door whisper shut as they set their backs to the wall beside it, as if protecting themselves from an attack.

"It's her!" Romek said, eyes bulging in panic. "The demon that looks like my Aunt Flomek."

"This is your fault, Romek. If you'd remembered to get your uniform out of the cleaners before today, we'd have been here on time."

"I did remember. I just forgot to remember to pick it up yesterday."

Orrin heaved a sigh. "Now what are we supposed to do? The wedding is going to start any minute, and there's no way I'm going to try and get past the dragon lady."

"Maybe there's a back door. We can sneak in," Romek said, looking hopeful.

"We better start looking," Orrin said, grabbing Romek by the arm. "I don't want to miss a thing."

The partners hurried down the corridor.

Sencho and Tenzik walked around the tables, all laid out in the finest white linen, sparkling crystal and china. Each table had a flower arrangement in the middle. The head table was stationed on a low platform, and was even more elaborately decorated. Next to the head table was a round table with a gigantic wedding cake.

"Dis is perfect!" Tenzik said. "All dos cops are gonna come in here after the ceremony. We have plenty of time to set things up."

With a flourish, Tenzik whipped open his long overcoat. Nodding his agreement, Sencho began to empty the explosives from the inner pockets.

"Hey, look, Orrin. Ain't that Haldane's name?" Romek pointed at a small sign in a placard holder next to a door.

"I bet that's where they're having the reception."

"Food!" Romek said, eyes brightening.

Before Orrin could stop him, Romek yanked the door open.

Sencho saw the door at the other end of the room open. A blue uniformed figure started to come through. With a warning hiss, he grabbed Tenzik and dragged him to the floor. He heard something else thump to the floor, but was too busy crawling under the head table to find out what it was.

On the other side of the tablecloth, they heard a voice. "Hey, Orrin, did you see that?"

"No, I didn't see anything. We need to get out of here before we get in trouble."

"I saw someone over by the wedding cake."

"There's no one over there."

"Well, I saw something. We're cops, it's our job to check out anything suspicious."

"There's nothing suspicious about the wedding cake, except your greed. If you touch it, I'll make sure Haldane knows it was you."

"Tattletale."

Sencho and Tenzik exchanged a look as the voices came closer.

As Jane stepped into main corridor, she caught a glimpse of Orrin and Romek disappearing into the reception hall.

"Oh, what are those two up to now?" she said, exasperated.

"Don't worry about them, Jane," Tookie said. "If we're late, Miss Elkrin will have our heads on a platter."

"And she'll decorate them with flowers imported from New Danae," Jane replied, still bitter over being strong-armed into so much extravagance by the wedding planner. Once the mayor had wrangled invitations, she'd had little choice but to close her eyes to the dwindling budget she and Jack had put together and leave the entire affair in Miss Elkrin's capable hands. They would have to honeymoon at the new apartment that they would share as a married couple, but at least they were giving everyone the party they seemed to want.

"Flowers!" Tookie exclaimed. "Your bouquet!"

Tookie ducked back into the dressing room to retrieve it.

Jane should have started walking to the ceremonial hall, but if she knew Romek, he was already sticking his fingers in the wedding cake. With a sigh, Jane picked up her skirts and headed toward the reception hall.

As Orrin and Romek approached the wedding cake, Orrin's foot nudged an object on the floor.

"What's this?" he said, as he picked up an oddly shaped packet from the floor. It was a box with a cylindrical object stuck to it with black tape. As Orrin turned it over in his hands, a blinking light on the box went from green to red. On the screen, numbers began counting down.

Tenzik gasp out loud when he saw a pair of polished shoes appear next to the bomb Sencho had accidentally dropped when they dived for cover. Sencho slapped a hand over Tenzik's mouth as the bomb was lifted out of sight.

Their brilliant idea for getting rid of a bunch of nosy cops and some Demeter City big-wigs didn't seem so brilliant any more.

Jane spotted Orrin and Romek right where she expected to see them. Ignoring the gorgeous decorations all around her, Jane hurried toward the pair.

"Touch that cake, Romek, and die!"

Startled, Romek jumped back, bumping into Orrin hard enough to send the object in his hands arcing high into the air. With an audible plop, it landed right in the middle tier of the wedding cake.

"Great Sempter!" Orrin yelped. "Look what you've done!"

Under the table, Tenzik and Sencho listened in growing horror to the argument going on above them.

"I didn't do it!" one of the voices said.

Then a woman's voice joined in. "You've ruined the cake, not that I care about that monstrosity. But Miss Elkrins is going to kill us all."

"Jane, it wasn't me! Orrin was the one who threw that thing."

The woman replied. "What is it? It looks like a clock."

As one, Tenzik and Sencho scrambled out from under the table, tangling in the table cloth and raining china and crystal behind them as they dashed toward the door.

Jane acted on pure instinct. Grabbing her skirts in one hand to free her legs, she ran after the two strange characters. "Halt! Police!" she called out. They didn't slow down or even look back.

She easily caught up with the one in the long overcoat and brought him down with a chop to the neck. Without handcuffs to restrain the creon, Jane was forced to hold him down in an arm lock. Orrin and Romek sped past her going after the other culprit.

Lucky for them, the tarn ran right into Tookie walking through the door carrying Jane's bouquet. Unfortunately for Tookie, she went down with the tarn in a tangle of limbs and bright yellow taffeta, the bouquet landing with a thump in her lap.

The entire group had only one moment to draw breath before the wedding cake exploded.

"What was that!" The minister yelled.

The wedding planner squawked as the groom shoved her into the arms of the minister, and ran from the room, his first man right on his heels. As the wedding party spilled out of the room, Miss Elkrin and the minister clung to each other. When the room was empty, they sprung apart, both blushing furiously.

"Jane?"

Dazedly, Jane lifted herself up, the wedding veil tangled around her head. She shook her head trying to clear it, but that only twisted the veil even worse. The creon pinned under her groaned. Realizing that she still had a firm grip on the creon's arm, Jane blew hard at the veil trying to at least get it away from her face.

"Jane! Damn it, Jane, are you all right?"

It was Jack. She could sense movement in front of her, then a light touch on her face and suddenly she could see.

Jane smiled. "Jack, you're beautiful!"

Jack's frown slipped away as his skin flushed bright pink. Reaching up, Jack gently swiped a glob on white icing off of Jane's cheek. "You're the one who's beautiful."

"I'm an absolute mess."

The creon started to thrash around, then Brogan appeared. "Let me take care of that for you," he said, as Jack helped Jane up off the floor. Brogan yelled, "Anybody got a pair of cuffs?"

A dozen sets of cuffs were offered, the culprits were restrained and searched, Captain Podley came storming in shouting orders, but Jane and Jack might as well have been the only two people in the room.

"The wedding is ruined," Jack said. He didn't seem too upset about it.

Putting her arms around his waist, Jane said, "I don't care. I never wanted any of this."

They ignored the sudden shrieks of the wedding planner as she got a look at the reception hall. A couple of the groomsmen handled the two cake bombers while the rest of the wedding party exclaimed over the mess made of the reception hall.

"If we leave now, we can make it to the Judge's office before it closes," Jack said.

Jane's smile was radiant. Jack couldn't resist kissing her. When they came up for air, it was to the sound of applause all around them.

"Now is as good a time as any to pronounce you man and wife," the minister said, waving his hands. "Since you've already kissed her, I'll be leaving." Gathering up his robes, he stomped out of the room.

There was a series of rapid clicks as a grinning Sally Brogan took pictures. Then Brogan approached, an envelop in his hands. "I was saving this for after the reception."

"What is it?" Jack asked, taking the envelop.

Jane hugged Jack in delight as he pulled out two tickets to New Hawaii.

"With all the money you put into this shindig," Brogan said, "it didn't seem right to not get a real honeymoon. Everyone pitched in. You've got ten days at New Hawaii, all expenses paid."

Jane eyes misted. "Thank you," she managed.

"Brogan... " Jack said, at a loss.

"Get out of here, you two. Sally and Tookie packed your suitcases and they're out in the limo."

Jane looked around. Most of the guests were still in the ceremonial hall, so the only people there were her closest friends. Her brother, who was supposed to walk her down the aisle, grinned at her like crazy. Captain Podley stood next to his wife, both misty-eyed. Tookie and Sally Brogan smiled.

Taking her new husband by the hand, Jane said, "This is exactly what I wanted."

"Closest friends and family," Jack said. "Now let's get out of here."

The End