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Raihan's visiting Leon in Wyndon one afternoon, and boy, is it hot. Sweltering’s more like it. Even Leon has his cape off, and he wore that stupid thing everywhere.
“Rai, you look like you're about to melt,” Leon tells him as they turn another corner. Raihan gets the feeling that Leon really doesn’t know where he’s going even though he’d assured him a hundred times that he did. “Why don't you just take off your jacket?”
Raihan blanches. No! He hadn't scratched himself in weeks, but last night was a particularly bad one. He’d read some especially hurtful comments on social media, and spent the next few hours spiralling and picking until he bled. Fun times.
But it's not like he could just tell Leon that, so Raihan tries to laugh it off. “Nah, I'm cool. Like the other side of the pillow, y'know?”
Leon rolls his eyes. “You’re a horrible liar.” He brushes the locs hanging in Raihan's face aside and swipes a hand across his forehead. It comes back slick with sweat. “You're sweating more than a Bonsly!”
Raihan laughs. “Bet mine tastes better.”
Leon grimaces and promptly wipes his sweat-covered hand on the front of Raihan’s hoodie. Raihan can’t even find it in him to be grossed out. Especially when Leon reaches out with that same hand and takes a hold of Raihan’s. His palm is warm and soft.
Leon starts up talking about something that Sonia told him, and Raihan listens intently, feeling all too content just from hearing his boyfriend’s low voice. He supposes that this is why he doesn’t notice it when Leon starts to ease his fingers under his sleeve, up his wrist and forearm, feeling all of the sores that he’s left there.
Raihan swallows. Maybe he didn’t notice? He looks at Leon and… he looks so stricken. He knows. He knows.
“Raihan, what's—?”
“Nothin'!” Raihan wiggles out of his grasp and tugs his sleeve down. “It's nothin'. Just eczema.”
Leon looks like he knows that he's lying, but he doesn't say anything, just takes his hand again. “Let's... head back.” Raihan doesn't respond but lets Leon lead him down the sidewalk. The whole time he's imagining the worst case scenario. Leon breaking up with him. Leon thinking he's a freak. Leon breaking up with him.
Gosh.
And just when he's about to break down, Raihan is drawn out of his bubble of despair by Leon rubbing small circles onto the back of his hand with his thumb. It's such a small action, yet it means so much.
When they finally make it to his place, Leon sits on the sofa and pulls Raihan to stand in front of him. Leon looks up at him with an unreadable expression before he says, “Show me.”
Raihan gulps. His hands are trembling a bit as he goes to unzip his hoodie. Once it's open, he hesitates to take it off. He'd be bare. Out in the open. Him and all of his insecurities. But knowing that it's Leon who'll see him like this gives Raihan the final bit of courage he needs to do it.
With a deep breath, Raihan shrugs his jacket off, letting it fall to the floor. He exhales softly and watches as Leon takes in the sores and indentations on his arms. But instead of looking disgusted and weirded out like Raihan thought he would, Leon looks... unbelievably sad.
“Raihan, I...” He pulls Raihan's arms closer, gently running his hands over the bumpy brown skin. “Oh, not you too, Rai. This is...”
Raihan blinks. “Whatchu mean, not me too. Do you...?”
Leon shakes his head. “No. I don't pick, but I...” He drops Raihan's arms and pulls off his hat before taking Raihan's hands and guiding them into his hair. Raihan doesn't feel anything out of the ordinary at first, but as his fingers travel towards the center, he feels that it's a bit thinner.
“You… pull it out?”
Leon looks so, so ashamed, but he nods. Raihan isn't at all sure what to reply with, as his brain currently feels like mush, so that’s probably why Leon is the first one to break the silence. “I’m so embarrassed…” He hangs his head down so Raihan can't see his face. “I… didn’t want for you to find out this way.”
Raihan pulls his hands from Leon’s hair and moves to sit beside him. “You’ve been tryna hide it?”
“Mhm.” Leon nods. He still won't make eye contact with him. “For a long time now.” Gosh. Leon’s hair was so thick and curly that Raihan couldn’t imagine how long he’d have to have been pulling for it to be so thin in the top.
“Same here,” Raihan replies, and he honestly cannot believe his luck. Finally letting his boyfriend in on his deep, dark secret only to find out that he's been keeping one too. The irony!
Raihan supposes that he should feel a bit of relief after getting it off his chest, but for some reason he doesn't, instead he feels somewhat upset. Upset that he had to tell his secret before he was ready. Upset that Leon had to tell his secret before he was ready. But most of all, Raihan's upset that Leon was going through the same shit as him, and he was too absorbed in his own world to notice.
That's the kicker. It makes him feel like the biggest asshole in the universe, much less a good boyfriend.
Raihan glances over at Leon to see that he's got his hands folded together tightly over his lap, and his eyes closed. His lip is worried between his teeth. He’s nervous, and it's all because of him.
Geez, why didn't Leon feel like he could tell him about it? Why didn't he feel like he could tell Leon about himself? Raihan wants to ask him this, more than anything he does, but first he needs to tell him how sorry he is.
“Leon,” Raihan places a hand on his boyfriend's leg, grabbing his attention.
Leon cracks open an eye and looks over. “Hm?”
Raihan swallows and moves his hand to cover Leon's, lacing their fingers together. “I'm… sorry.” His voice comes out all shaky, like it does when he's about to cry, but he tries his best to keep it steady.
Leon gives him a puzzled look before asking, “What for?”
For being so selfish. For not being there when you needed me. For not telling you sooner.
Raihan bites the inside of his cheek. He can't bring himself to say any of those things, so he just repeats what he said before. “M'sorry.” His breathing starts coming out in thick huffs. He's losing it. “M'sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry.” Tears begin to cloud his vision.
“R-Raihan!” Leon scoots closer and takes his face in his hands. “Oh no, Rai, please don't cry, you know I can't stand to see you cry...” He tries to wipe Raihan’s tears away, but they're quickly replaced by more. “C'mon, love, you're going to make me cry, too!”
Raihan begins to cry harder at that. “I-I’m sorry,” He chokes out. “And I can’t say why, ‘cause it’s just... I'm so—!”
Leon shushes him with a finger to his lips. “No, baby, don't be. You don't have anything to feel sorry for.” He pulls Raihan closer, wrapping his strong arms around his back and resting his head against his shoulder.
Raihan mimics the action. And when he rests his head on Leon's shoulder, he breathes in his scent since it usually calms him down. But the sudden intake of air makes him hiccup, and a few more tears slip out.
Leon notices this, and begins to rub comforting circles onto his back before encouraging him to take some deep breaths. Raihan does as he says, and pretty soon he’s able to get his breathing under control.
After a bit, Raihan finds his voice. “Lee?” He lifts his head from Leon's shoulder and pulls away a bit. “I’m… I feel—”
“Scared?” Leon finishes, and from the look on his face now, Raihan guesses that he must feel the same way too.
Raihan nods, and begins to wring his hands nervously. Leon hums and pulls him into his chest. Raihan takes another deep breath. He smells nice. He always does.
“We can do this together, okay?” Leon runs a knuckle down his jawline. “You’ve got me and I’ve got you.”
Raihan sighs, can’t bring himself to respond. He’s so overwhelmed. Would Leon follow through? Really and truly? He has to hope so. Leon hadn't failed him before, and he wouldn't start now.
“I trust you,” Raihan says, really meaning it, and Leon goes about kissing the scars and scabs on his arms. Raihan wants to faint. This man was so sweet, he really felt like he didn’t deserve it. “Okay?”
Leon replies, “Okay,” against his skin, then leans down, pecks him right on the nose. “I trust you, too.”
...
Later on that evening, they're curled up on the couch watching some children's program. When the show goes to commercial, Leon looks up at him and asks, “So why do you do it? The scratching, that is.”
Honestly, Raihan had been waiting for him to ask. Which is probably why he already had a response in mind. “Sometimes it’s like… I can't turn my mind off. I worry about everything, even stuff I can't control. Picking’s really the only thing that takes my mind off of it.” He was oversimplifying things a lot, mostly because he just couldn't bring himself to explain to Leon how sometimes he'd pick just because. And he wouldn’t stop until his brain felt like it’d had its fill.
Raihan shakes his head to clear this thought, and looks down at Leon before adding, “What 'bout you? Why do you pull?”
“Oh,” Leon chews his bottom lip. “I… get sad sometimes. Because of my dysphoria and stuff. I tend to pull more when I'm worried that I’m not passing.” Damn. Raihan would have never guessed that that was the reason why. Leon usually seemed so confident and comfortable with his transness that the thought of him feeling like he wasn't passing was surprising.
“Raihan,” Leon's voice draws him from his head. Raihan looks back down at his boyfriend to see that he appears a bit flustered. “I think… maybe we should...”
Raihan rubs gentle circles onto his back. “What is it, baby?”
Leon sighs before mashing his face into Raihan’s chest. His voice sounds muffled when he finally speaks. “We need help, Rai. I was supposed to go and see a doctor a few weeks back, but I chickened out at the last minute. I was just wondering… if I reschedule it, will you go with me?”
Raihan blinks. The doctor? Like a head doctor? A shrink? He'd never been to one before. Mostly because of his own stubbornness, and not wanting to come to grips with how bad he'd let himself get. But maybe, just maybe, he could try it. One session couldn't hurt. And even if he didn't like it, maybe it would help Leon some.
That final thought is what inevitably has Raihan saying, “Of course.” He brushes Leon's bangs out of his face before leaning down to kiss his forehead. “We'll go together.”
Leon pulls his face away from Raihan’s chest and gives him a smile as bright as the sun. Raihan can’t help but return the gesture. Leon always had a way of making him smile even when he was upset. “Thanks, love.”
“Okay!” Leon chirps as he plops down beside Raihan on the floor. “What color do you want? We got ‘Blisseyful Pink’, ‘Penumbreon Shadow, and my personal favorite, ‘Orange you a Charizard!’”
Raihan snorts at the names and rolls his eyes. “Man, you don’t have green? That’s what color I wanted.”
“Nope!” Leon places the bottles of nail polish on the coffee table in front of them. “These are the only ones that Sonia let me have.”
“Yeah, ‘cause she know you ain’t bringin’ ‘em back.”
Leon laughs at that. “Yeah, you're probably right! Now, what color do you want?”
“Hm.” Raihan spares a glance at the three bottles. It doesn’t take him long at all to choose. “Pink is cool. I don’t wanna give you the pleasure of usin’ anything that’s named after Charizard.”
Leon just smacks his lips. “Hater!” He reaches over and grabs the pink bottle, giving it a few shakes before twisting it open. “Okay, left hand first.”
Raihan smiles and holds his hand out. “You’re in charge, Champ!”
It’s been about a month since that fateful day at Leon’s place, and Raihan can honestly say that things are going a whole lot better.
After the two of them went to the initial doctor’s appointment together, they began to attend regular therapy. Raihan’s found that talking to someone really helps. The doctor’s really nice and polite, and he supposes that it helps that she looks like him—young and brown-skinned.
Anyways, aside from therapy, they’ve been finding other ways to help each other too. Leon did some research online for ways to help him deal with his skin-picking, and Raihan did the same for his hair-pulling.
After his research, Raihan bought Leon a bracelet. It was made of rubber and had a whole lot of tassels. He thought that maybe Leon could pull at them instead of his hair. And when Raihan presented him with the gift, Leon broke down crying. He also told him that he’d wear it forever, to which Raihan told him that that was stupid and kissed him silly.
Now, they’re sitting on the floor in Raihan’s flat, and Leon is working away on Raihan’s nails. Leon had read some article that said that peeling nail polish off could give the same effect as picking without actually doing it, and Raihan was entirely too eager to try it.
He supposes that this eagerness is what has him smiling softly and scooting closer to his boyfriend. They’re so close that their knees are touching, and he can smell Leon’s fancy soap, oaky and fresh.
Instead of looking at his nails, Raihan watches Leon as he paints. He looks so determined with his tongue poking out of his mouth cutely, and his eyebrows knitted in concentration. He's also holding Raihan’s hand oh-so gently, as if it might break if he grips it too tightly.
(Really, Raihan thinks that Leon has to be the only person in the world who treats him like this—like he's a priceless, prized possession—and he would be lying if he said that he didn't enjoy it.)
After a bit, Raihan's gaze drifts away from Leon to his own arms. He's got on a sleeveless tee today, leaving his arms out on display. The sores on them have healed since in the month that he hasn't picked, and left ugly scars behind. Even still, Raihan tries not to wear his hoodie so much. A preemptive deed to hold himself accountable.
“What're you thinking about?”
Raihan looks up at Leon. He's still focused on the hand that he’s painting. “That you’re good at this,” Raihan replies. And he really is. In just the five minutes that he's been polishing, Leon has already finished the base coat on one hand.
“Oh,” Leon blushes, actually blushes. “My mom always wanted me to help her. Guess I got pretty good at it.”
Raihan hums in agreement. “Fo’ real, though! You should open a shop and call it ‘Champion Nails.’”
Leon chokes. “Rai, you never fail to amaze me with your… original ideas.”
Raihan grins. “I'll take that as a compliment!”
“Good.” They start to chat about how each other's day went after that, and before long, Leon is finished with his nails. He gives them a quick spritz of drying spray—which he also bummed off of Sonia—before doing a dramatic flourish. “Ta-da! All done!”
Raihan glances down at his fingernails. And… gasp! They're so pretty! The exact same shade as a Blissey. They look so nice that Raihan decides then and there that he’s going to stop picking, or at least try. Even now, he still gets the urge to do it from time to time, but now he knows better ways to cope. Safer ways to cope.
“I hope you like them!” Leon's voice pulls him out of his head. “Even though they aren't green.”
Raihan grins. “Are you kiddin', Lee? I love 'em!” He holds his hands out and admires how shiny the polish looks. Then he reminds himself to be careful because they still looked a bit wet. “Thanks for offerin' to paint 'em for me.”
Leon smiles back at him. “Anytime, love! I hope it helps, I know your gift helps me a lot.” He absently fiddles with the bracelet around his left wrist, and Raihan's heart flutters. He really liked his gift!
“It’ll help,” Raihan replies. And on impulse, he darts forward to kiss his boyfriend. Except... it’s terrible! Leon moves at the last second, and the kiss lands crookedly on the corner of his mouth. Complete fail!
Raihan pulls away and looks up at Leon, feeling all too embarrassed by his blunder, but the latter only smiles at him softly. “You wanna know something?” He asks, and Raihan just blinks.
“What?”
“You’re a bad kisser.”
Raihan snorts. “Yeah, I’m aware of that.”
“And you wanna know something else?”
“What?”
Leon reaches out and grabs his face before leaning in and kissing him. He whispers, “I like you a lot,” once he’s pulled away, and Raihan melts. He is so, so in love with this man.
“I like you a lot, too.”