Archive of Our Own ^beta

It all began when Renjun was at the young tender age of three.

In the skating rink found in the center of his hometown Jilin, Renjun remembered widening his eyes in wonder seeing his older cousin circle the rink along with the rest of the people. He remembered tugging his mother so hard that he wanted to do the same too.

The next day, Renjun stepped on ice the first time and as everybody had expected, he fell. That was a given. Nobody every really learned how to navigate the ice with thin blades the first time they do it. But little Renjun was determined. He would only giggle every time he fell (don't be fooled, he cried the first time it happened as he sniffed on the snot slowly dripping down his nose) and immediately went back up to practice all over again.

At the age of three, Renjun learned how to glide on ice and how it brought this toothy grin along his face.

-

It was natural for Renjun's parents to enroll him to a proper figure skating training after that, right?

Not really.

At first they thought this was just a phase, something Renjun would probably get bored by the end of the week or at most, the end of the month.

But five months have passed and Renjun still kept coming back to the rink to skate. He'd stay there all day whenever he can, which was almost after his nursery classes, often begging his mother (or father, depending on who's gonna pick him up) with his wide puppy eyes to go the local rink. It had even come to a point where the staff had given them half the price discounts for their entrance fee since they come so often.

One day while little Renjun was busy playing on ice, a staff approached Mrs. Huang and offered the idea of giving their a son a chance to figure skating.

And truth be told, the thought had already lingered within Mr. and Mrs. Huang's heads.

It's not like they cannot afford it: both believed that they can support Renjun if he ever decides to go professional in figure skating, and can continue to support Renjun if he ever decides to quit midway.

It's not like Renjun had other siblings that needed to be supported either. Mr. and Mrs. Huang were more than willing to give their precious sole son— their only child — the best that he could have.

What made both the parents uncertain was Renjun's passion for professional figure skating. What if Renjun doesn't even want to go pro? What if Renjun just wants to skate casually, enjoy the way how his skates run through thin ice?

Eventually, the staff coaxed them to give it a try and possibly see if Renjun might be interested.

And as both parents watched their son form patterns of swiggles on ice with giggles coming out of his chest, they found themselves caving in.

As Renjun entered kindergarten, he also started having his figure skating classes during afternoons.

Even at the age of four, it was apparent that Renjun's enthusiasm and sheer passion became an advantage compared to the rest of his peers, often being at the top of the class and catching up easily at the lessons. Not to mention, young Renjun has consistently exhibited skills of performing the basic steps and fundamentals of figure skating with such ease and precision.

He'd also be that student that would like to stay behind for a (little) while so he can practice on his own and enjoy extra time being on ice.

It was as if Renjun was inseparable from skating, some sort of force that kept him hooked into it.

And so it shouldn't really surprise anyone that when he turned six, Renjun began taking private lessons from Zhao Liyue, someone who had competed in international figure skating competitions during her prime years and was responsible for coaching several skaters who have entered the Junior Nationals in China.

Mr. and Mrs. Huang took it as a sign.

At the age of six, Renjun began his journey to becoming a professional figure skater.

-

When Renjun turned eight, he started to meet people that showed as much passion as he did for figure skating for the first time.

Liyue would be blind to not see the natural talent Renjun had for skating. Every single session with him only proved Liyue's suspicions: with proper training and guidance, Renjun can go places.

And so, Renjun was slowly introduced to the world of competitive figure skating courtesy of Liyue. When time allowed them to, Liyue would take Renjun to different events and places, allowing Renjun to meet people so different and similar to him all at the same time. It didn't help that despite being so scattered in different parts of the world, the community of figure skating has always been tight knit, forcing those who share the same profession strengthen their connections with one another.

And although Renjun met so many young athletes like him, there were several that stood out.

Renjun met Boyang and Junhwan at different occassions but the comfort and energy they give to Renjun is the same in their own unique ways.

Renjun and Boyang immediately clicked with each other when the two met as Renjun and Liyue took a trip to Harbin. To Renjun, Boyang was the first brotherly figure that he ever had. He gave Renjun tips, made him comfortable when they skated together as they share stories from where they came from, stories of how they discovered the magic of ice. It felt so refreshing to him having someone to share the same passion and love for skating after being so alone in the journey of hours and hours of training. After all, Renjun never had someone else in Jilin that loved figure skating as much as he did.

He met Junhwan months after, when Renjun's elementary class visited South Korea for a field trip and coincidentally Liyue was on the country as well. At that time, Junhwan just started skating but there is fire in his eyes of what Renjun recognized as determination and although Junhwan is surrounded with more people like him compared to Renjun, he still saw the same loneliness of fighting the sole battle of constant self improvement in figure skating. And so even in just one day, Renjun aimed to provide the same comfort to Junhwan just as Boyang did to him.

Renjun is glad to have them consistently in contact for years to come.

But it wasn't until a few months later that Renjun's life trajectories into something else.

Eight-year-old Renjun and Liyue visited Nagoya in mid-November, just as the Junior Nationals Championships of the country is about to be held.

Renjun remembered Liyue bugging him about this young figure skater she wanted the other to meet so much.

"He is as talented as you are," she would say. "He carries the same passion and fire for the ice just like you do."

"He will be an important person for you in the future." Liyue would finally say.

And Renjun would just shrug about it every single time, dismiss the statements because to him at that moment it didn't really matter.

He already met people like Boyang and Junhwan. What could possibly be the difference?

But young Renjun was easily proven wrong.

He remembered stepping on the rink for the first time, nails fiddling on themselves due to the upcoming winter intensifying the coldness of the area.

He remembered Liyue approaching someone else a few meters away from them, a woman whose eyes were focused on the center of the rink, leaving Renjun alone for a while.

Renjun remembered the sound of blades hitting the ice, as he tore his eyes away from Liyue walking away to the boy in the rink who was obviously older than him land a jump.

And Renjun observed.

He saw the boy skate so gracefully, skid his blades on ice as if he was walking on water and waved his hands in the air just like leaves dancing naturally with the wind. He remembered seeing the boy glide his skates while doing a Biellmann spin, as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do.

And when he sees the boy do a triple axel, Renjun remembered being entraced.

His jump was high, rotation and precision so fast for someone in his age. Renjun might even have his mouth slightly open at the sight.

And when he lands, he lands with grace. As if he didn't defy gravity, as if he wasn't attempting to bend some rules in physics.

Renjun remembered getting lost in the moment.

It only clicks unto him when the boy ends his piece, as he gives the woman Liyue was with, the woman in front of the boy a look of satisfaction. A look that said he did his job and that he did well. 

And Renjun clearly remembered.

He finally understood what Liyue meant after all those times.

Renjun clearly remembered seeing the passion, the determination, the grit in the boy's eyes.

And Renjun may not have seen himself directly, but in that moment he knew.

It was the same that can be found in his own eyes.

Eventually Liyue called for Renjun's attention, motioning for the young one to come near as the boy also skates to approach the two women. Liyue placed her hand on Renjun's back to push the boy in front.

And as he does, the two boys met their gazes together and it immediately clicked. Renjun was right. The fire in the boy's eyes was the same as his'. And even though he hasn't skated yet, not even wore the skates in his hand Renjun knew the other thought the same. The small smile that is slightly hinted with some smirk in the other boy's face told it all. Renjun grimaces a grin in return.

The two women exchange the pleasantries for the both of them, leaving them to only shake their hands for the greetings.

"Nice to meet you." The other boy would say in his accented English, a huge smile planted in his face.

"Nice to meet you, too." Renjun would reply in the same language, the grin never leaving his lips.

At the age of eight, Renjun met Yuzuru.

-

Renjun encounters life-changing realizations when he reaches the age of twelve.

Over the course of time, Renjun's social circle expands as he gained friends from different parts of the world that he never expected to have bonded with if not for his love on the ice.

For example, he meets Maia and Alex when he was ten, and just as the two were on their senior debut in ice dance. Renjun looked up to the two a lot: in a sport that valued romantic chemistry, the siblings were willing to continue to dance on ice powered with the passion for their sport.

He's heard of people doubt Maia and Alex's success, how they're never going to make it far. And that only strikes a chord of anger within Renjun so he makes sure to cheer on his friends, let them know that one day they can conquer the world and prove the others wrong.

(Flash forward to years later, Maia and Alex just medalled at the last Winter Olympics. Renjun can only remember being teary eyed while watching their free dance on his phone screen. If only he weren't in public, he would have cried tears of joy.)

It wasn't just his group of friends on ice that expanded, however.

Because in the last few years, Renjun's growth as a figure skater also went up exponentially.

It was natural, Renjun liked to think, especially if you've got Yuzuru by your side.

His bond with Yuzuru only grows all throughout the years, exchanging online texts and stories about anything and everything. It's usually about figure skating since both are so similar in techniques and style and passion that exchanging tips is very much common between the two (Renjun is usually on the receiving end since well, Yuzuru is years older than him, has known more of the sport than Renjun ever could). But really, the love for the same sport never really hindered any language barrier for the friendship to grow.

yuzuru: but im practicing quad combinations!! ~\(≧▽≦)/~

renjun: WOWWW goodluck!! :ooooo

renjun: I am still practice triple flip

renjun: so I can land it clean :D

yuzuru:  remember to skate inside circle!! ＼（○＾ω＾○）／

renjun:  :oooooo

renjun:  T^T thank youu!!!

yuzuru: no problem good luck!!! ^o^

For the consecutive summers Renjun has had ever since he was eight, he would always find time to spend it with Yuzuru even if that meant one of the two would fly to another country.

He would remember skating in circles with Yuzuru in the older's training rink, often alternating between talking and exhibiting spins and jumps for each other to see.

Yuzuru glides on ice fast, sprinting across the almost empty rink.

All of a sudden, he stops all movement as he lets the ice and momentum take him where he's supposed to be going. Renjun watches carefully.

Then all of a sudden, facing forward, Yuzuru jumps as he spins as fast as he could while being suspended on air. Renjun never loses sight of him.

As soon as his skates hit back on ice, one foot still suspended on air, the sound of Renjun's claps echo in such a massive area; a beaming smile grows in his face as Yuzuru skates back to him, a proud grin in his lips as well.

"You see I mean?" Yuzuru would scream a little while approaching Renjun, trying his best to communicate with the younger with what his English vocabulary could carry.

"Yeah!" Renjun would earnestly reply. "I just have to— "

Renjun demonstrates a move, positions his body in certain angle. Yuzuru instinctively nods.

"— do this, right?"

"Yeah, yeah!" Yuzuru gives Renjun a two thumbs up.

And often times, they'd spend a lot of time together like this. When words fails to convey what they truly mean the two would simple resort to actions, move their bodies a certain way to express what they truly want to mean.

Because their love for the sport was greater than any language barrier, greater than any age gap. The two loved to grow and to learn. Both loved to expand their own capabilities. And that is why communication wasn't a problem between Yuzuru and Renjun. Figure skating was their language.

And Liyue was right.

Yuzuru did become an important figure in Renjun's life and in more ways than he expected.

Yuzuru to Renjun is a brother figure, a mentor, someone he can look up to and lean unto all at the same time.

Renjun found in Yuzuru a friend, a person he can trust and believe that could always have his back. And in a sport where the competition has always been a solo ride, it's important to find a friend within.

But being close with Yuzuru also comes with another set of package to unwrap for Renjun.

Yuzuru always held this gaze, this hunger to be triumphant over one's own skills, to overcome one's capabilities. And often times, this hunger manifests when other skaters are around, when Yuzuru had other people to inspire him to do better.

Yuzuru's hunger to improve often manifests when he's in competitions.

And Yuzuru always told him: how one day Renjun will feel the same hunger for the ice. That he will feel this longing to win. Renjun was told that it happened to Yuzuru when the older started taking tests to level up, when he is surrounded by his peers.

But Renjun never felt that.

Even at his level of being an immediate novice in the first level (in all honesty, Renjun's qualified to enter the junior level even at the young age of twelve), Renjun has undergone several tests along with other figure skaters. And yet.

The hunger never came.

In the last test he had that year, he looked at the young skaters around him. Even when he was the "first", the one with the highest scores Renjun never felt the need to improve simply because he had something to be upheld.

Somehow, being able to skate, glide in the ice and perform jumps and spins was enough for him.

To Renjun, to be able to skate on ice is enough.

And so, when Renjun one night walked away from the rink to go home from a long day he stops in his feet. He feels tears pool in his eyes.

Because Renjun realizes he's not like Yuzuru. True, they carry the same love and passion for the sport. The earnesty to constantly improve is also the same for the both of them. But contrary to what people say, Renjun is not like Yuzuru.

They do not share the same goal.

At the age of twelve, Renjun cries a little as he realizes that competitive figure skating was not meant for him.

-

Renjun had always loved music and dance.

Suppose it came naturally especially for the sport he so dearly loved— it was expected of him to be well-versed with such.

He took ballet classes to improve his flexibility and hopefully learn to practice the art of gracefully moving the body.

Renjun would also dance for school performances, and sometimes perform traditional dances with his grandmother.

Learning the fundamental basics of dance— and not even learning by the book, just being well acquainted by it— is very important in figure skating: it allows understanding the artistry of the sport and subsequently perfecting it.

And as such, it really isn't a suprise that Renjun is well acquainted with music as well. 

After all, music played a vital role in figure skating. Skaters should perform in music that allows them to express art in its finest form. The music they should skate, perform with, is a music they are comfortable and are easily be able to transcend its power and message on ice.

And so, Renjun listened to a variety of genres when it comes to music.

True, classical music is a staple to figure skating but Renjun believed that one can explore more to finding pieces that could be transcended on ice. He would listen to rock, pop, jazz, and all other sorts.

And most of all, Renjun listened to Korean music.

It didn't really help that Renjun grew up in a community that easily embraced the Korean culture. He knew basic Korean at a young age and watched Korean shows with his family.

And so, listening to Korean music came naturally.

When Renjun was around eight years old, he remembered listening to Nobody by the Wonder Girls for the first time. He remembers the beat and hook of the song being stuck in his head for weeks, grooving his body to the music as he would tie the laces of his skates during practices.

He loved listening to Rain, and other artists in the industry.

And supposed Renjun should have seen it coming, but he doesn't. Over years he doesn't realize that what was supposed to be casual listening turned to become constant consuming as he would seek more and more. There'd even be times where Renjun would follow the choreographies of the dances he was genuinely interested.

And really, Renjun should have already known it from that time.

Instead, it comes to him all at once.

While waiting for Liyue in their regular training practice, Renjun settled at the lounge of the skating club, sitting meekly at the couch available across the counter.

There's a small TV mounted on the wall and it really captured Renjun's attention as the screen was currently playing the second season of KPop Star. He watched as a sibling duo would perform right before his eyes, the older brother strumming the guitar while the younger sister smiles at the audience as she sings.

They're amazing, Renjun would murmur in his head.

It must be nice to perform to a crowd and sing. To stand in front of so many people and let the whole world know.

It would be even nicer if I can dance too, like an idol. Renjun giggles within himself.

Singing and dancing in front of everyone, perform my heart out as I would allow myself to drown in the music. I— 

Renjun widened his eyes. He felt his heart drop only for it be picked back up again as it beats so fast, like it's running so many miles per hour. The admission felt so clear.

I want that.

Renjun wanted that. He wanted to sing and dance, perform in a crowd until he gets lost in the moment and drowns himself in the joy of it all.

He badly wanted it more than anything else.

There's an overwhelming mix of panic and excitement swirling in the deepest parts of the pit of his stomach Renjun was sure he would have cried if there weren't people looking at him in this public area.

As he sits in the couch of this lounge, eyes glued to the TV that Renjun finally understands.

The hunger of wanting something so bad, the thirst to allow oneself to grow so he can stand in a place where he dreamed of.

At the age of twelve, Renjun realizes he wants to be an idol.

-

At such a young age, Renjun already knew what it feels like to have an internal breakdown.

After all, how could he explain everything to everyone?

How could he tell his family, his friends, the people in his skating club, his fellow skaters, his coach, the community that trusted him so much for bringing a bright future to the field of figure skating, that he doesn't want to continue anymore?

How would Renjun tell that to Yuzuru?

Renjun figured he tells his parents first: one evening, at their dinner table Renjun spills the truth. He's nervous, palms sweating the fabric of his pants as he prepared himself from the possible outlash, the words of how they wasted their money on such an expensive sport only for him not to reap anything from it. Renjun can't even look his parents on the eye, finding the sweaty hands in his lap more interesting.

But his parents were more understanding than he expected, saying that they were aware of such a situation happening even before they enrolled Renjun in that figure skating class when he was four.

And although they were quite skeptical at Renjun's dream, it didn't really matter.

They told him his happiness is what matters the most.

That night, Renjun cried in front of his parents. From the overwhelming affection, love, and understanding.

Liyue learned about it through Renjun's parents. And so, after one session of practice Renjun and Liyue sit side by side on the bench.

She told him she's dissappointed.

Not to Renjun, but to herself.

Because she really expected Renjun to advance in professional figure skating, participate in international competitions and win medals. She expected Renjun to be a name stapled in the history of figure skating for years to come.

Liyue forgot that Renjun is still young and there is still more for him to explore about himself and the world, just like those young skaters who left the sport to pursue the dreams they found along their way.

Liyue told Renjun she understands.

She and his parents have come to an agreement that she gets to train Renjun up until he can find a company in Korea to train on.

She told Renjun, with the most sincere look in her eyes, that she wishes the best for Renjun's life.

Renjun at this point, has already gained enough courage. His parents were supportive and his coach was understanding.

Renjun at this point was almost certain Yuzuru would be the same.

He thinks the greatest coincidence out of everything was that it all happened during the summer.

Which meant he was flying to Toronto in Canada, the place where Yuzuru was currently training.

Which also meant that Renjun was gonna tell Yuzuru in person rather than in a choppy phone call or a text message.

And truth be told, Renjun is terrified of saying it to Yuzuru in person. But he'd rather do it right in front of him with Renjun's own mouth rather than through a phone, miles away from each other.

It's a calm morning when the two friends are circling around the rink. There's a skater older than them practicing from one side and Javi practicing from another. Yuzuru insists that they approach Javi when Renjun holds in the sleeves of Yuzuru to stop him.

"I...have to tell you something."

Yuzuru can only tilt his head in curiousity, now turning his skates to face Renjun.

Deep breaths, Renjun reminds himself.

It's only him, he'll understand.

"I'm.....not gonna compete in figure skating."

"Huh?" Yuzuru furrowed his burrows, obviously not understanding what Renjun has said.

Or maybe, he did. He just refused to believe it.

Renjun blew a large exhale. He could do this.

"I will not follow you. I will not join any competitions like NHK or Worlds in future."

"What? Why?" And even with his soft voice, Renjun already heard the surprise, the astonishment in Yuzuru's tone.

And as hard as it was, how painful and scary it seemed to be, he levels Yuzuru's gaze upon him.

"I'm not planning to go professional."

Yuzuru blinks. He looks at anywhere but Renjun. He blinks again.

"I'm sorry. I have to go."

And just like that, Yuzuru fled the scene as he skates far away from Renjun and gets out of the rink, quickly putting on his skate guards once he reaches the edge. Renjun wants to reach out to the other, to explain everything but he knows it's not gonna change anything. Yuzuru will still be disappointed at him.

Javi can only eye them with a questioning look.

The whole day Yuzuru ignored Renjun, purposefully skating away when the other is near or not acknowledging his presence when they have no choice but to be in the same area. And as much as it hurts Renjun, there's nothing he can do.

The next morning came and Renjun was already in the rink skating alone when someone decides to join him.

It was Yuzuru.

Renjun thought the other was early because he needed to practice but much to Renjun's surprise, Yuzuru skates to his direction.

He stands in front of Renjun, blurts out the softest words in his mouth.

"I'm sorry."

Renjun feels his posture straighten even tighter, surprise written in his disposition to say the least.

He waits for Yuzuru to continue but the other only stands there, fiddling on the sides of his pants as he scratches at where the seams are.

Eventually Yuzuru releases a grunt of frustration, looking a the palm of his left hand.

If it were in other situation right now, Renjun would have laughed at the absurdity. Just the mere fact of Yuzuru writing sentences on his palm so they can communicate better was hilarious enough for him. Words were never needed that much on their friendship. 

And yet, Yuzuru took the time to find the right words, chosen the simple ones but hit directly as to what they mean to say. Renjun couldn't have to heart to laugh at it. It just felt warm for him.

"I act out of selfishness yesterday and because of that, I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. I just..."

Yuzuru looks up and— he wears the saddest, disheartened face Renjun has ever seen from him, eyes sparkling from unshed tears and a pained frown on his lips.

"I thought I'll skate with you someday. I thought you would train here with me. I want to train with you."

And the frown turns into a disheartened pout, the muscles on Yuzuru's face slightly harden as if to stop himself from crying.

"I thought we would stand on a stage together."

And Renjun cries.

Because he thought so too.

He thought that one day, he'd skate into a podium as someone slings a medal over his head, hand him a bouquet as he waves to a crowd. Renjun thought he'd be wearing glittery outfits as he performs for a gala exhibtion.

Renjun thought he'd bag medals, be a pride of his own homeland as he would as he make a name for himself in the world of figure skating while enjoying the fun of performing on ice along with the friends he's met along the way.

But he wouldn't. He won't. Not the Renjun in this lifetime.

And so, Renjun only cries.

He tells Yuzuru he's sorry. Because that's all he can say. Yuzuru tears up a little as well. They hug, cry a little for the future they both won't share, the silence of the rink accepting all their woes away.

They reconcile after that. They spend the rest of their time together exchanging ideas and tips to improve each other, just like they used to. They don't try to pretend that they'll be the same after that, though. They both know they won't.

But just because one of them changed doesn't mean they weren't really the same person the other found a friend within. There will always be change. And both Yuzuru and Renjun were both willing to accept the changes in their friendship.

They don't really talk about the next summer, if they'd still see each other again. There's an unanimous agreement that they'll let time decide for that.

Renjun leaves Canada with a heart that's both heavy and light in it's own discombobulated way. But Renjun figures he wouldn't have it any other way. It feels just right.

-

At the age of thirteen, there were only a few things that Renjun could remember clearly.

First, Renjun doesn't skate with Yuzuru during the summer. But Renjun doesn't really take it too personal. In fact, he's already expected this to happen. After all the next year was a big year not for Renjun, but for Yuzuru.

The Winter Olympics was happening.

Second, Renjun discovers EXO while he was with his friends, Growl playing on the TV as he and his friends eat at the malatang place near their school.

At the age of thirteen, Renjun promises to himself that he will join SM.

-

The year he turned fourteen, it's not Renjun that gets to have a life-changing moment but Yuzuru.

Yuzuru has explicity expressed his desire to compete and win the Olympics that year despite his young age.

He told everyone that if he was going to win the Olympics, he's gonna win now.

Renjun was updated with Yuzuru's journey to the Olympics through the form of text messages and videos the other would send him from time to time up until they slow lessen and Renjun rarely heard from Yuzuru as the month of the big event approaches.

One evening in mid-January, Mrs. Huang brings up an unusual topic in the family table.

"Renjun, what do you think of Sochi this February?"

And so their little family flies to Sochi, the place cold and crowded especially in this time of the year.

Renjun at that time didn't understand why his parents were so adamant on bringing him to the Olympics.

But when he got to sit by the stands of the arena where the figure skating competition for seniors men was gonna be held, Renjun realized why.

They're giving him a chance to look, to feel what it's like to be if he chose the path he didn't take even if it's just by witnessing it happen right in front of his eyes.

As he sits in one of the bleachers in this Olympic arena, Renjun can't help but feels like everything is a goodbye.

This is his farewell to the future he will not have.

It stirs something in his stomach, but Renjun does not find it unpleasant. Just new and unusual.

All thoughts in head dissipate however when Yuzuru's group enters the arena.

Renjun prepares the homemade banner in his hands.

He would be blind to not know how much Yuzuru has improved immensely over the years. His jumps are higher, his movements have been more smooth and are filled with more grace. Yuzuru is growing so much faster in ways everyone did not expect. (That might also be to Renjun's advantage, since whatever Yuzuru learns he passes it to Renjun but that's a topic for another time.)

He's breaking world records at the age of nineteen, and he's not stopping any time soon.

Renjun just knows Yuzuru will bring home a medal to be proud of. He's willing to put his faith on him.

The grip on his banner tightens as he sees Yuzuru fiddling on his skates with his feet, talking to Mr. Orser one last time before he finally skids off to the wide field of ice. A part of the crowd cheers when Yuzuru greets the audience.

Eventually Yuzuru positions himself, his pose ready as he awaits for the sound of music to play.

There's a crease between Yuzuru's brows that makes it seem like he is shouldering so much pressure. And although in a way that might be true, Renjun can only see Yuzuru's focus in his face.

Deep breaths. One, two.

The sound of Parisian Walkways plays on the speakers as Yuzuru skates to the rhythm of the music, dancing along with the guitar as he lands all his jumps, the crowd deafening the arena with their cheers.

Everything about it is flawless, felt so natural as Yuzuru skated seamlessly leaving no air of awkward moments in the short program, not really leaving anyone with a choice but to cheer for him.

And when Yuzuru's short program comes to an end as he perfects his combination spin, Renjun allows himself to drown into the noise of an audience. He feels a grin growing out of his face as he slowly realizes.

Yuzuru will win the gold this Olympics.

And the statement comes true as Yuzuru's score breaks a world record, breaking the hundred-mark barrier in short programs.

Even if Yuzuru doesn't skate cleanly the next day for his free program, Renjun wasn't even the slightest worried about it.

His friend was meant to break bounderies, achieve the impossible.

Renjun shouts with the crowd, cheers at the joyous occassion.

At the age of nineteen, Yuzuru wins a gold medal at the Olympics.

-

Renjun and Yuzuru met at the hotel lobby where Yuzuru is staying, and when Yuzuru finally arrives Renjun can see the gold medal bouncing in his chest as he runs towards Renjun's direction, Mr. Orser trailing behind him.

He doesn't find the time to process anything after that though as Yuzuru pulls him in a tight hug.

"Are you proud of me?" Yuzuru's voice muffles in Renjun's jacket.

Renjun holds Yuzuru a little tighter in his arms. He can't stop the warm grin escaping his face.

"I've always been proud of you."

-

At fifteen, Renjun auditions for SM.

Everything happened so fast. The email confirming his audition gets sent the day before. He begs for his older cousin's phone to replace his own broken one as he travels by train to reach a faraway city, bringing nothing except himself.

At fifteen, Renjun auditions for SM. He passes.

-

Everything takes a drastic turn from there.

Renjun was given a week to settle everything that needed to be done.

That meant packing, leaving his middle school, lots of paperwork.

But most of all, it meant leaving Liyue. Finally.

Renjun insists their last day be on the day before his flight to Seoul. They don't question on his insistence.

The last day goes on like it's another normal day, only this time Renjun listens to Liyue carefully like he's never gonna hear her again. Like he's gonna wake up the next day and become a new entire person, in another lifetime and in another universe.

Because it feels like it.

He'll still be the same Renjun, but he will lead a different life tomorrow.

So he relishes on every moment. He does all the jumps he knows, spins on ice every single variation he can remember. He does it a couple times, does it as much as he can even if he's tired of it. He will not have this again, for a long time.

Their last training session ends earlier than expected, but Renjun has a feeling Liyue did it for his sake. 

He doesn't leave yet. Instead, he requests more time on the ice for himself.

Renjun circles the rink. He just slides his skates on ice and let the force take him, sway him to wherever his feet will take him.

Renjun remembers the feeling of the blades cutting through the ice sheets, the feeling of gliding through the rink so easily like how walking is second nature to him. He engraves it in his memory, so he can bring it with him once he lands on Seoul.

And when he decided he's had enough, Liyue is waiting for him by the edge like a coach welcoming her athlete for his program. 

Liyue has this look on her eyes as she opens her arms to Renjun. Renjun allows himself to drown in Liyue's hug as he hears the other murmur something in between his hair.

"Good luck."

The words were simple, but they were enough for Renjun. He's almost ready to go.

And when the two are about to leave, Renjun crouches at the edge of the rink. He touches the ice beneath him with his gentle fingers, his gaze never leaving. A whisper floats away out his lips.

"I guess this is it for now, huh? Thank you for everything. Goodbye, for now."

-

When Renjun lands at the airport, he sees a man holding a sign with his name.

Renjun beams. He's excited for what the future will bring.

-

Training for figure skating and training for being an idol are two different things. Renjun knows that.

But knowing is different from experiencing it and Renjun even realizes more of that when he's in a practice room full of other trainees as an instructor teaches them basic dance moves.

Training in South Korea meant harsher teachers, more strict rules to abide, very tiring nights from hours of nonstop dancing, and less contact with his family friends.

But Renjun can deal with it.

If there's one thing Renjun knew how to do, it is to train.

Training is what he has been doing all his life. It is all he knew.

Renjun was built for this.

-

Unexpectedly, Renjun debuts the next year. He had always thought he'd be debuting much, much later especially since he's surrounded with trainees around his age who joined the company before he did.

People around him said it's because of his hard work. How he's dedicated to not make a single mistake. How he's passionate to train and perfect every lesson given to him.

Renjun does not tell them the truth: working hard and perfecting every inch of himself is the only way he knows on how to train. It's always been a part of him since he was young, even before he stepped foot on Seoul.

Renjun grew up seeing how Yuzuru has always worked hard to overcome the best of himself, fire of grit burning in his eyes.

And now, the same fire glints on Renjun's eyes but for a different prize.

The taste of victory sits on the skin of his lips.

He's debuting. And with the team of trainees he's seen on TV.

Funny how that turned out, Renjun thought. A year ago, I was just jealous of them but here we are.

At the age of sixteen, Renjun debuts as a member of NCT Dream.

-

Times flies by so fast and easily for Renjun after that.

He's sung his heart out to a crowd so many times he couldn't quite count how many times he did it. He's danced 'till he's gasping for air on stage, panting as sweat falls on the sides of his head.

But he enjoys the feeling, allows himself to drown in the adrenaline and the sensation.

He has shed tears and belt out laughter multiple times throughout the years and more than what he expected from himself.

And yet all of those moments Renjun holds so dearly in his heart, treasure them like a heart locket forever stuck in his chest.

Renjun has grown a lot, discovered more of life in the next few years that followed: friendship, self-growth, love, and so much more.

Being an idol is hard, but it's all Renjun could ever ask for.

-

At eighteen, Renjun texts with Yuzuru like he's eight again.

It all happened when he checked the contacts that were saved in his old phone, sending a quick 'how are you' text to Yuzuru and it just spirals from there.

Talking with Yuzuru again felt natural for him although this time around the texts come sparse and late replies were a common thing between the two, the lives they've led clearly creating an even further barrier between their friendship. But nonetheless, the excitement in their words and the willingness to initiate conversations tells Renjun that the Yuzuru he's talking with continues to be the Yuzuru he's known.

That year, Renjun hears about Yuzuru's injuries and the Pyeongchang Olympics: how all those practice and progress he has done goes back to zero and he has to rewire all his trainings, taking baby steps along the way.

Renjun would always encourage the other, be a good friend and a pillar that Yuzuru could count on.

It's really a pity Renjun wasn't able to go to Pyeongchang to see the competition itself despite being in the same country: his schedules made him unavailable for that.

But nonetheless, even through small screens and a series of text messages that Renjun and Yuzuru celebrate this victory: winning the Olympic medal twice in a row is a feat only a few can celebrate.

-

There's a shift in Renjun's life when he turns nineteen.

Technically, he knows it's bound to happen.

When their team debuted, they know what future lies ahead of them. Nobody was expected to stay: they would all eventually leave the team. They all knew that when Mark left first.

And yet, they were never emotionally ready for it. Perhaps they will never be. 

Graduations are supposed to be a joyous occassion.

But not this one.

This departure will never not hurt.

And now, it was happening to them again. This time, multiplied by four.

The pain of being left hurts, but to be the one doing the parting no matter how much you don't want to? The emotions come crashing.

Renjun remembers sobbing in front of so many people, of the crowd he's grown to love and share his dreams with. He cries with the people he's learned to call his present, desperately wanting them to be his future as well. 

The shakiness of what lies ahead pulls Renjun into a state of distress. So many things left unanswered, so many words left unsaid.

Everything feels so uncertain.

And so Renjun clings to one thing he's always been sure of: skating.

-

Renjun doesn't even know how it all started again. 

Or maybe he does.

Spending most of his time going back and forth between their dorm and the regular radio schedule he has made Renjun have a lot of free time. And even though an idol with a free time is a dream, it only brings nothing but nervousness settling on the pits of his stomach.

And so Renjun tries to distract himself.

He would watch movies with Jeno, go out with Jaemin for little errands, and talk a lot with Jisung about almost anything and everything. If he's feeling like it, Renjun would even go to Chenle's. 

And most of all, Renjun connected again with his old friends.

Renjun's been talking a lot with Junhwan these days. He's been hearing a lot about the other's daily shenanigans, his routine, and struggles in skating that he's trying to overcome. (Renjun tries to give out some piece of advice in hopes of helping but really, he doesn't even know if he's still valid enough to give out skating advice. He thinks Junhwan's just too kind by saying his advices were actually helpful.)

Junhwan was also partially the reason why Renjun went back to the ice.

Renjun shares one afternoon how he doesn't have anything to do: he just prerecorded all his radio schedules, the members are out in their own ways (Renjun retorts when Junhwan replied a 'go out with your boyfriends!' because they went biking), and being in the practice rooms only makes Renjun's heart hurt a little (a lot).

And so, Junhwan proposes something Renjun would have never guessed but really, he should have.

junhwan:  how about skating hyung?

Renjun finds himself staring at his phone for a few minutes, still processing the text and unable to think of a reply. A flurry of messages then come from Junhwan how he doesn't really mean jumping and spinning on ice and that it could really be just casual skating on a local rink and how he's sorry if he brought up a sensitive topic. Renjun laughs as he types a reply back.

Renjun thinks about it the whole afternoon and evening that day, and on the next morning he's standing outside the doors of the nearest skating rink from their dorm (which is technically still quite far).

And when Renjun steps on ice again, he tears up a little, not caring if the manager he's with is giving him looks of worry and confusion. 

Because to Renjun, skating on ice is as natural as walking.

He thought he would flounder on his first try but instead the blades of his skates only pierce through the ice smoothly and steadily.

'Hello, I am back.' There's a voice in Renjun's head that softly whispers.

-

It just snowballs from there on.

What was supposed to be a one day thing became an almost daily occurrence, like there's a magnet pulling Renjun back to the ice. In the blink of an eye, he's a regular to the rink.

He doesn't even notice how much he's been skating until Renjun realizes he's set an appointment for himself to test out and buy his own skates, freezing in the middle of inspecting a shoe and its blades the assistant lady gave to him.

Renjun doesn't even notice how he already has a bag filled for all his figure skating needs: tissues, foot ointments, plaster, and  dry fit clothes among other things. And of course, his skates. 

Within a month, Renjun went from having a 'skate-free' lifestyle to visiting the skating rink three times a week, circling and gliding on ice for hours with his own skates.

-

It all starts with a spin.

At that time, Renjun was just being...experimental. Because sure, he's stopped skating since years ago and he may have already lost the touch but that didn't hide the fact either that Renjun trained for skating, glided himself on ice ever since he was born, ever since he could ever remember. Skating was his whole life before everything happened.

And so one afternoon, he tries to do a simple scratch spin. Renjun slows down his rotations compared to what he was doing before, afraid of overexerting himself since it his first time for years since doing it. But once he's developed the momentum, that feeling crawling on his stomach telling him he can do more, Renjun realizes he had no other choice but to go faster.

And Renjun allows himself to get carried away for a little while, relish on the feeling of the wind sweeping fast on his ears like how it used to be when he was younger.

When he slows down, blades on his skates scratching the surface of the ice that Renjun finds himself staring at his feet then unto his manager who's staring back at him with wide eyes. Renjun catches his breath as he pants out a cloud of heavy air from the coldness of the rink.

One more, Renjun wails inside his head. Just one more.

Renjun then circles around the rink but this time, there is speed in the way he skates; like he's catching something while running away from someone all at the same time.

Eventually he stops his feet from moving as he faces his back to the front, allowing Renjun to sway with the wind as he skates backwards.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale.

All of a sudden, Renjun slightly increases his curve on the inside of his edges, taking off in the air as he rotates his body.

One. 

Two.

Renjun immediately prepares his landing, the skates of his right foot hitting harshly the ice beneath him, the sound of it echoing the whole rink as his arms are stretched wide but relaxed.

Exhale.

It only dawns upon Renjun when he hears the sound of hands clapping.

He just landed a double Salchow.

Oh my god.

-

Word spreads fast once Renjun tells one person about his progress.

For the record, the only two people he's told that he's skating again was Junhwan and Yuzuru.

Junhwan because Renjun cannot help but send a video of his skates while he circles around the rink the day after Junhwan gave him the genius suggestion. Junhwan could only reply in exclamation marks.

Yuzuru because, well, there's just no way Renjun wouldn't tell Yuzuru about it. 

Although Renjun would admit that there's this slight fear on his nerves as he sends a video on their chat that's quite similar to what Renjun sent to Junhwan. It's not enought to stop him from telling Yuzuru though, captioning the file with 'went to skate for while today :D' as he presses the send button.

yuzuru:  \( ö )/ im happy!!!!!!!! i hope you enjoy your time >_<

The thing is: that's the last update he's told them when it comes to his progress in going back to skating.

So when Junhwan comes back to South Korea for a week vacation from his training, Renjun was quite nervous as Junhwan offers to meet up for a small skating session (because you really can't separate skaters from the ice, not even a 'vacation'). Nothing fancy, just the two of them circling down the ice while they talk, probably Junhwan throwing a spin or a jump here and there.

Or that's how it's supposed to be.

Imagine to Junhwan's suprise how not only was Renjun carrying his own training bag when he first saw him, he also have his own personal skates in hand.

"Woah, hyung! You have your own skates?" Junhwan hangs his mouth open at the statement, but there still a smile lifting the corner of his lips that makes Renjun laugh at the expression.

"Actually..." And Renjun explains the whole story: how the one time visit became so much more, how he's not satisfied to skate 'till he has his own skates that caters to his needs, how he realizes he can still jump and spin like those good old times, and how he's trying his best to get back what he has learned years ago.

Hearing this excites Junhwan as he hurries Renjun to the rink, tugging his wrist so he can see the other's progress so far.

"There's nothing to be excited, Junhwan. I'm pretty sure you can do more difficult jumps than me." Renjun would snort at the other's excitement though the smile on his lips says he's excited too.

"And? I'm just happy to see you skate again! I'm also almost a hundred percent sure your progress is faster than any other skater I've seen." Would only come as Junhwan's reply.

Renjun shows his spins first. He's more confident on showing them to Junhwan. They're more easier to navigate, easier to showcase with grace and art. 

Jumps are a different obstacle to present with easiness in skating and that is why Renjun shows them last. He starts with a triple salchow, a triple flip, and a triple loop: all of which he has mastered before he left China. His latest discovery is being able to land a triple toe loop which comes to Renjun's surprise considering that this was the jump that used to give him a really hard time. He figures that some aging helped.

Nonetheless, Junhwan remains amazed as he is unable to close his mouth at the sight. Because who is crazy enough to still carry the ability to perform the jumps he's learned after not stepping on ice for at least four years? and only after months of practice? Apparently Huang Renjun.

Renjun then shows his double lutz and finally, his double axel.

Junhwan watches closely at the last jump, eyes like an eagle as he watches Renjun takeoff.

Renjun is among the only skaters Junhwan know who could perform the axel with ease, like its written in the back of their hands. Most would avoid it like a plague, do not like the complexity of the jump and how it needs an extra half turn. Renjun was not like the rest. Not only does he perform the axel with ease, Junhwan can only remember Renjun landing the axel with ease and grace. And there was really only one other person Junhwan could think of doing the same thing.

When Renjun lands his skates on the ice,  Junhwan only remains silent. 

It wasn't until a few seconds later that Renjun asks for a response.

"So?"

"...Hyung, be honest. You think you could land a triple axel, don't you?"

-

Renjun wakes up the next morning only to find the notifications of his phone absolutely destroyed.

Because apparently, Junhwan sent a video of Renjun skating a double axel to a few of his skater friends which then led to said friends sending it to their other friends, and it goes on and on and on until everyone knew about it. And it all happened in one night.

Maia and Alex sent him heartwarming messages while Boyang sent him a long speech about how he's so happy Renjun still continues to love the sport, a contrast to Shoma sending him a thumbs up emoji.

After replying to every single one of them Renjun then opens the last message, one he reserved for last.

yuzuru:  you land double axel!!!!! ⊙o⊙

yuzuru: im happy you enjoy skating again ^_^

renjun: yeah!!! i missed it T^T

yuzuru: ill give you tips and advices again then ^o^

renjun: from olympic champion?? THANK YOU!!!! ToT

yuzuru: >:(

renjun: :D

It takes a few hours later for Yuzuru to reply.

yuzuru: oh yeah trying doing triple axel!!

yuzuru: im sure you can do it ^o^

-

If you told Renjun he would meet Kim Yuna, he might as well punch you in the face. Actually, no. But he'll be sputtering words of how such nonsense the idea is.

You would think Renjun would have met the renowned skater when he's visited Yuzuru in Canada a few times and for a few years Yuzuru and Yuna were trained under the same coach.

But Renjun has never met her. And it was all because Yuzuru and Yuna's training schedules were different most of the time. Renjun thinks he hasn't even seen her in passing at the Cricket Club.

So no, Renjun has never met Kim Yuna and the chances of it happening in the future are slim to none.

However, Renjun consistently forgets how he's surrounded with people who know Kim Yuna. 

Like Junhwan, Yuzuru, and even Sir Orser, the coach Renjun would have had if he went professional.

Now, why was this all important information?

Because one day while Renjun was skating at the usual rink, the person he least expects to come enters the area.

Renjun remembers performing a simple layback spin when a voice suddenly interrupts him out of nowhere.

"Oh, you've got good posture and balance."

Renjun slowly straightens his position, scratching the ice as he turns to where the sound came from.

He immediately widens his eyes, cheeks flushing while he bows down deeply to the woman who just entered, her hands on her coat as she sports a knowing smile.

It was Kim Yuna.

-

It was because of Junhwan.

Again.

Because back when the two met up, Renjun somehow mentions in the passing that it would still be great to have someone help you guide in you training. Not necessarily a coach, Renjun would apparently say according to Junhwan, just another professional eye who could look over and see if he's improving in the right track. In all honesty? Renjun can't even remember saying that to Junhwan.

But now, Junhwan tells that to Sir Orser when he went back to Canada, while Sir Orser thought the idea of connecting Renjun and Yuna was a great one.

Because having the one and only Kim Yuna mentor for someone like Renjun who haven't skated for years, is a great idea.

Don't get Renjun wrong. Having someone like Yuna guide him to improving his skills is something he will be eternally grateful for. How often do you have Olympic medallists come up to you personally and go, 'hey, I've heard you're looking for mentor figure. I can do that!'? No. Probably when pigs fly. So really, having Yuna as his mentor was a miracle, a godsent.

But that's also the thing. This is the Kim Yuna we are talking about. The textbook skating. One of the cleanest skaters in the world. Renjun's too nervous to skate in front of her, for goodness sake. He'll only embarrass himself.

"Don't worry, I'm as nervous as you are too." Yuna laughs as a reply to Renjun's concern over the whole arrangement the other was proposing, his manager listening a few seats away.

"I'm actually planning to coach a few junior skaters, but I don't really have the best communication skills for that." Yuna explains. She gives Renjun a knowing smile.

"I figured maybe if I take baby steps by helping you out, maybe I'll learn stuff along the way." A hand reaches out to pat Renjun's shoulder.

"So don't think too much about it. This is a learning experience for both of us, okay?"

It takes a while before Renjun can reply, only staring at awe at the woman in front of him. Eventually, a grin breaks out of his face. His eyes are painted with a mix of nervousness and excitement. 

Renjun nods at Yuna's words.

-

Having a mentor really speeds up Renjun's progress.

The two have discussed on Renjun's current jumping capabilities and how they should go upon increasing the rotation for each jump.

("Wow, when Brian said you were good, I didn't think you'd be on a prodigy level." Yuna whispers to herself as she sees Renjun approach her after landing a triple toe loop. Renjun can only sheepishly smile.)

And within a month, Renjun could land a triple lutz. Months after that, he could jump a quadruple salchow and a quadruple loop cleanly and consistently, an achievement not even fifteen year old Renjun thought he would be able to do.

He's balancing his life between his training practices, his radio every night, and his skating training sessions. Renjun thinks he's already peaked at his life.

-

At twenty, Renjun gets one of the greatest miracles in his career.

The graduation system gets dissolved, and all of a sudden there's a weight being lifted from his shoulders that Renjun doesn't even know has been sitting on there.

And to make things better, Mark is coming back, coming home to them.

They're complete again.

There were tears, there was laughter upon the announcement, but most importantly there was happiness.

Not all questions have been answered yet, and the future will always be a mystery for them to unravel. Renjun learns that in the most unusual ways.

But really, as long as they've got each other's backs they will be fine.They've come this far.

They are seven again.

Renjun thinks he's really peaked at life.

-

"Renjun, you're going to participate in the men's figure skating competition for this year's ISAC."

Renjun has never quickly whipped his head as much as he did just now, looking at his manager standing at his bedroom door with an alert and confused expression. He thinks he didn't hear that right.

"What?"

"Yep. The show this year decided to add the new sport since it's becoming more popular in the entertainment industry these days." The manager types away on his phone, the sound of the screen and his nails hearable from Renjun's distance. He then lifts his head up to look at the person lying on his own bed.

"Remember Sunghoon? His figure skating history was talked a lot on different community posts. And recently, there has been a lot of discussion and topics between figure skating and idols. It's mostly about songs and this thing called programs and stuff." He grimaces a nonchalant expression in his face.

"It's a good tactic to attract audience. And well, we think you'd be a great contender for that. I mean, we may not be experts but..." There's a knowing smile on the manager's face as he trails on his words that makes Renjun's heart beat a little faster.

"...to have the Kim Yuna as your mentor, I'm sure you'll be able to bring out something, right?"

-

The next time Renjun and Yuna meet for the former's training session, Renjun was faced with a Yuna that was grinning so widely. He knows what the grin means.

"So, that idol sport show huh?"

Renjun blows out an exhale.

"Yeah."

Yuna only laughs at his demise.

"Don't worry about it too much. I've seen the guidelines and it says you only need to perform a short program. How about we discuss that for now?"

And so, the first half of the session consisted with Yuna and Renjun planning for the upcoming comptetition. Both share their ideas, with Yuna sharing what jumps she thinks would be good to add to the program while Renjun giving out themes and music pieces that could work out for him. The second part of the session consisted with him practicing his jumps and spins.

And as Renjun allows himself to drown in the sounds of the ice being cut through his blades, he cannot help but think to himself:

"So this is how it feels, huh."

-

The others knew Renjun skated. They just didn't expect him to be the one sent off to compete when they had someone like Jaemin on their team.

In general, everyone was not really a privy person when it comes to the other members' lives. In fact, it was often that they learn new things about each other even when they've lived together and known one another for years. For example, they see some of Chenle's childhood photos for the first time through a variety show or them learning about a specific TMI from Jeno through a radio schedule.

So when Jisung one day walks in on Renjun's room to borrow a laptop charger, he spots an oddly shaped bag hanging on one of Renjun's hook on the walls. Jisung is quite sure he's never seen that bag before.

"Hyung, what is that?" He points at the item.

Renjun follows the direction of the other's finger until his eyes land on the bag. Renjun then wears a smile Jisung can't quite decipher.

"Those are my skating shoes."

The statement obviously takes Jisung by surprise, the sound of his snort echoing. "You skate?"

It only makes Renjun laugh, his back facing Jisung as he's busy watching a video on his phone. "I do. I used to skate for fun before coming here in Seoul."

Jisung only scrunches his nose as he lets out a hum and exits the room, the laptop charger in his hands. He had more important things to attend to.

The next the topic comes was when Jisung brings it up on the dinner table that evening. Jaemin only whines at Renjun's side, leaning his head on the other's shoulder.

"You should have told me you knew how to skate! We would have went to a rink for a date."

"And watch Jeno flounder on ice while we skate away? I don't think that's a bad idea." 

Jeno only releases sounds of protest, unable to form coherent words since his mouth is still full of food. Everybody in the dining table just laughs at his whines.

And even though noone really leaves their own room unless necessary, there will be times where one of them catches Renjun leaving the dorm only to find out he's going for a skate.

So really, it shouldn't surprise them that Renjun was one of those deliberated by the management to compete. But they had Jaemin in their team, someone who was actually professionally trained. Wouldn't it be best to have someone with professional background compete for this type of stuff?

It certainly left quite of a question mark hanging in their heads. But they don't really think it is a big deal anyway. They dismiss the thought, move on about it because it never really mattered anyway.

They've heard of Sunghoon, a previous figure skater, competing alongside their team member though, so they wish Renjun a silent good luck on their heads.

-

renjun:  guess who's competing for isac lmao

junhwan: wHAT

-

renjun:  yuzu!!!! :D

renjun: im going to compete for a show!!! with skating!!!

yuzuru:  when??? i wanna see (+_+)

-

After a few texts later and with the help of Junhwan, they learn that the day of filming for the show coincidentally happens around the schedule for Four Continents.

Which coincidentally will be held in South Korea.

The two insist on watching the whole thing personally, but Renjun dismisses them insisting that there was no need and they could always just stream the show.

With everyone else being so excited for him, Renjun can't help but feel nervousness as time ticks by towards the fateful day.

-

Renjun fiddles with the camera as he places it on one of the seats in the rink. He's crouching as a faint murmur of 'is this angle okay' can be heard from Renjun's mouth. When satisfied, he lets go of the camera and gives out a shy smile. He looks at someone from outside the screen and lets out a quiet giggle. Renjun then faces the camera again.

"Everyone, hello! I'm in a skating rink today because I'm going to prepare for my performance in ISAC."

A small cheering noise comes out of Renjun before laughing, embarassment seeping through his pink cheeks.

"I'm just going to practice on my jumps and perform my program for the show. So far, I have already mastered at least half of it and hopefully by the end of the week I can perform the program cleanly at least once."

Renjun flashes that bread-like smile before raising a finger in front of the camera.

"Let's go."

The scene changes and now the view is focused on Renjun crouching down, obviously fiddling something on his feet but the scene doesn't show it. He then starts speaking, but doesn't leave his sight on whatever he was doing.

"I didn't really tell anyone about this but— I don't think I've told my members either— " Renjun laughs within himself, his arms shaking from gripping hard and fondling meticulously over his feet.

"— but I used to train like a professional figure skater. I would come to a rink in our neighborhood every after class and then my coach would always teach me on what to do. How to jump like this, spin like that. You know, those type of stuff."

One of Renjun's hands appear on the screen as he is seen pulling hard on what seems to be a shoelace.

"If I didn't become an idol, you might see me on sports shows. Do you guys think that would suit me?" Renjun looks at the camera for a second before laughing lightly and focusing his gaze back to where his hands are busy.

"But I really, really wanted to become an idol so I came here to be a star and now here I am!" By the time the sentence ends, Renjun has finished what he was doing, now looking at the camera with a peaceful smile on his face.

"I'm done tying my skates. Let's start!"

The next scene appears to be filmed from the sides of the rink, as Renjun can be seen jumping from the ice and spin so fast in the air, only to land gracefully when his skates land the ground again.

He also showcases some of his spins too, bending his body into half as he circles himself to a steady rhythm.

Eventually, the scene cuts to the camera being held by someone skating on ice, trailing a few meters away from Renjun as he dances and glides on the ice. Renjun turns back to face the camera and flashes a smile, before turning his skates and subjects himself to spinning mid-air, landing easily with his right foot.

Another scene appears as Renjun can now be seen talking to someone off screen. It seems to be his coach. Renjun only nods at whatever the other says, seemingly taking in the words with full concentration and focus. It then suddenly cuts to Renjun opening doors, bags on his shoulders as he heads outside the area.

Black fills in the screen for a few seconds before it flashes Renjun sitting comfortably in a bed, hands busy rubbing a cream on their fingertips before applying it to the heels of his feet.

"Hello! It's been a few hours now since I opened the camera but I'm back in the dorm!" Renjun laughs away the stress from the training earlier.

He talks about a lot of stuff: his program, his coach (Renjun's not allowed to say who it is but he gives out obvious clues no one could ever miss), and finally...his thoughts.

"I...actually..." Renjun fiddles on the muscle tape in his hands, struggling the right words to say. "I....I told my friends about the show and now they're all looking forward to my performance." Renjun laughs, but it's dry and nervous and it didn't feel right.

"Actually..." Renjun sighs but he maintains a smile for the camera.

"I feel burdened." And he laughs that dry hollowness within him again.

Because it's the truth.

All of his friends, his parents, Yuna, even his managers are somehow looking forward to what he'll perform on stage but who was he?

He was just Huang Renjun.

He was just some dude who skated when he was young but decided to become an idol instead.

He wasn't like Yuzuru, or Junhwan, or any other skater. He doesn't have awards and titles up to his name nor does he have anything to brag about himself when it comes to skating.

He just really loved the sport, that's all.

And so, to see everyone he knew rooting for him, believing in his own skills and capabilities looms over Renjun like a huge rock to carry on his shoulder.

He was just Huang Renjun, after all.

-

The day of filming comes sooner than expected.

Seats were filled in any arena or stadium being utilized for the event. Groups of people, all with their own versions of banners, balloons, and lightsticks decorated the area. Chants were prepared and cameras can be seen everywhere.

Their team participated a lot for this season. Jeno, Jaemin, and Mark were placed to compete for archery while Chenle, Haechan, and Jisung were sent to play e-games. For a group made with seven members, it is unusual to have all of them participate in an event.

Luckily for them, all of their sports were scheduled for the morning with only Renjun's competition left in the afternoon which meant that the rest of the team can now cheer on for their participating member.

The rest now sit comfortably in their seats as they wait for the event to start, holding their jackets closer to their bodies as the coldness of the ice sheet in the middle if the arena makes everything seem colder.

The cold won't stop them from cheering on Renjun though as lightsticks and balloons filled their hands. Overall, the archery team won silver while the e-games team won gold. There might be some pressure on Renjun right now to win a medal and they want to assure the other that whatever the result, they'll always be proud of him.

Eventually, cheers from the crowd deafen the area as some of the competitors stepping out of backstage to prepare for their performance. The voices even became louder when Sunghoon steps out, waves of balloons and lightsticks dominating the crowd. With his known figure skating background, Sunghoon was obviously the crowd favorite.

One of the hosts approach him, a mic and a cue card on his hands.

"Hello, Sunghoon-ssi. How are you feeling today?"

"I'm actually quite nervous, but I think I will be fine."

The host attempts to lighten Sunghoon's disposition, hint of humor in his voice. "Of course, you will! You've got a great advantage out of all the competitors!"

Sunghoon can only laugh as he shakes his head. (If you paid attention, you would hear him say 'not really'.)

"So Sunghoon-ssi, are you confident in winning first place for today's competition?"

Sunghoon only wears a weak smile (that's slightly disappointed in its own ways).

"I'm not entirely sure about that. I'm confident in doing my best and hopefully earn a medal by the end, but in all honesty I don't think I'll win first."

"You're too humble, Sunghoon-ssi! If that is the case then, who are you betting to win?"

And without even a miss of a beat, Sunghoon immediately replies.

"I think it will be Renjun-sunbaemin."

The name catches the other's attention, now listening intently instead of just letting the words fly by their ears.

The host sports a bewildered look.

"Oh? Renjun-ssi of NCT Dream? What makes you say so, Sunghoon-ssi?"

Now Sunghoon wears a knowing grin. Like there's gonna be layers in the next words he will say.

"Renjun-sunbaenim is really, really good. We can all look forward to his performance today."

There's something in the way Sunghoon says really good that makes the others feel so curious and confused. Was Renjun really that good to be complimented by someone who used to skate professionally? Were they missing on something important?

The interview with Sunghoon ends after a few more questions and the hosts positions himself again back at the commentating area.

After a few minutes, a few more competitors along with their coaches step out of the backstage area.

Nothing could prepare anyone in the arena for who they're about to see step out to the place.

Despite the stadium being so big, collective gasps, murmurs, and screams can be heard all over.

Korea's figure skating pride Kim Yuna stood in front of all of them.

All of a sudden, cameras were focused on her as they catch her every move.

You can hear the hosts freaking out over the mic, panickly chanting "She is here! Oh my god, Kim Yuna is right here with us!".

But with Kim Yuna's appearance comes the next question: what is she doing here?

There's a towel slinging on one of her arms and she's holding a water bottle. Right after her, there's a staff carrying a familiar bag Mark and the others seem to know of.

But before they could think about it, Yuna looks back at the door from where she came out from, eyes of anticipation as she is obviously waiting for someone to follow her. She smiles at the person.

Soon enough the person steps out and the rest can only bulge their eyes when they found out who it is. He has skates on his feet, black pants up to his waist, and a fancy top that glittered under the arena lights. The rest of Dream can only open their mouths out of shock, amazement, and bewilderment all at the same time. The person was no other than their member, Renjun.

And it didn't take two to put the pieces together.

To have Ms. Kim Yuna coach for you meant that their Renjun must be really that good. And for sure, they were missing something important.

-

Renjun surveys the crowd and sees the amount of people that's going to see him skate. There's something heavy weighing down in Renjun's guts but he figures it's not unbearable. He'll be fine.

Among all the skaters, Renjun was set to perform third to last which meant that he had a few time to kill as well as watch the performances of other skaters. So far, he's only been left with a stunned expression with how well everyone was doing. Of course, there were contenders like Sunghoon and Hakyeon who had a figure skating background on their belt but the rest of those competing had none of those and had to start from scratch. And yet, they were doing all so well. Renjun can only be amazed at them.

"Are you nervous?"

Renjun whips to his side to see Yuna sport this mischievious expression on her face. Renjun only weakly laughs at the question.

When he scans the audience one more time, Renjun's eyes land on a familiar group of people. Now, Renjun may have poor eyesight but these are the people whom he's spent his youth with for years, learned to call them his family and his future. Dream is his people. Not even a hazy vision can stop Renjun from knowing that it's them. And so he raises his hands up as he waves giddily at them. Renjun is pretty sure it was Haechan who gave him big heart signs over his head as Renjun can only dramatically grimace in digust, although he finds the action affectionate and heartwarming. He's not telling that to Haechan though.

Renjun feels a tap on his shoulder. It was Yuna.

"It's almost time to go."

And so, the two placed themselves closer to the rink as they wait for the staff near the entrance to signal Renjun's turn. Currently the ice is empty as the previous contender awaits for the announcement of his scores.

When Renjun was signaled to enter the ice, the scores pop up on the screen. Renjun spares a glance at them. 87.98. He forms an 'o' in his mouth. The score is pretty high considering most got 83s and 85s, 93.21 being the highest score so far (it was Sunghoon).

But Renjun has no time to think further. It was his turn.

He removes the guards of his skate as he takes a deep breath. His mind is running a hundred miles per hour at this rate.

One step into the ice and —

everything for Renjun turns radio silence.

The nervousness in his skin leaves, the heavy weight in his stomach disappears as Renjun doesn't feel them anymore. His thoughts have learned to stop as they calm down.

His heart feels so, so much lighter.

He faces Yuna on the barrier one last time, for her final instruction.

Yuna faces Renjun, wearing that knowing and proud smile on her face. There's a sparkle in the way her eyes glint.

"You'll do great, Renjun."

Renjun returns the smile back, nodding as he skates backwards then forward towards the center of the ice.

The crowd cheers for him, but they fell deaf on Renjun's ears.

To him, the ice was the only thing that mattered at this point.

Not the crowd.

Not the judges.

Not the other skaters.

Not his team.

Not Junhwan nor Yuna nor anyone else.

Not even Yuzuru.

It was just Renjun and the ice. It was all that mattered.

This is a home he will always have a piece of his heart with.

This is the place that he has learned to grow, nurture himself to become where he stands in his life right now.

He will carry a piece of this wherever he will go.

After all, the ice is Renjun's first love. The one who taught him what passion and dreams meant, molded him to understand the power of hardwork and grit. The ice gave him a lot of things in life, helped shape him to who he is today.

Renjun poses at the center as he awaits.

Deep breaths. One, two.

Today, he'll perform for himself and for the ice. He'll skate his heart out for the sport he's loved all throughout the years, as he'll continue to love it more.

Music on the speakers play as Renjun sways himself to the sound, his skates gliding through the ice with immaculate grace.

Thank you for everything. You have given so much to me. Now, it is my time to give back. Thank you. This is for you. This is for us.

-

To say that Renjun's skating is graceful was an understatement.

Renjun skated like it was all he ever knew, like the wind and the ice were his greatest friends as he navigates them so easily.

Renjun looked like he was walking on water, cutting through the ice so smoothly as if magic lingered on his feet.

When he spins, he makes it look like it's the easiest thing in the world to do and Jaemin can only be entranced, absorbed in the way Renjun moves himself in circles with such beautiful poise and flow.

And when Renjun jumps— god, Jeno can only fall in love over and over again. They're fast and high, full of precision even those with untrained eyes on figure skating. He spins mid-air with such expertise, like he's not defying gravity and some sort of law in physics.

And it was obvious to the crowd how his spins are different from everyone else's is. They were faster and yet Renjun was spinning more. Whereas the others' were commentated to have done doubles and triples, the host can only gawk in awe as they would call Renjun's jumps triples and quadruples.

And when Renjun lands a certain jump, one of the hosts can only holler in amazement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, that is a triple axel right there! A standard jump for every professional male figure skater! And Renjun-ssi lands them with ease! This man is amazing!"

It was obvious to everyone in the stadium: Renjun had the upperhand of the competition.

-

Jaemin can see it in the way Renjun moves on the ice. He is sure Jeno sees it too.

There is this happiness etched on Renjun as he skates his performance with elegance. His face lights up so much as he allows himself to drown in the emotion of the music.

There is so much distance between them but Jeno can clearly see it: the sheer passion and euphoria skating can bring to Renjun.

And although it strikes a certain chord within him, the happiness on Renjun's face is so contagious that Jeno can't help but feel almost the same amount of joy radiating out of his lover. He is sure Jaemin feels the same.

-

As Renjun performs his final combination spin, he feels himself overflowing with emotions.

The music stops and Renjun ends the performance with a pose.

This is the joy of skating. This is where his joy in skating lies. Not the crowd that roars on him right now, not the scores that will get flashed later.

It's in the way he slides and glides through the ice, allow himself to skate with the rhythm of his body. It's in how jumps and spins always give him the happiness that settles in his stomach.

This has always been the goal. This has always been his dream for skating. Nothing else, definitely nothing more.

To Renjun, being able to skate on ice has always been enough.

-

When Renjun meets Yuna by the guards, he's immediately greeted by an embrace. "You did so well! I'm so proud of you!"

Renjun laughs through her words. "I wouldn't make it this far without you, so thank you so much!" The words make Yuna laugh as well as they break away from the hug when she speaks again.

"There's people who want to see you, by the way." Renjun tilts his head in wonder. Was it his members?

Yuna steps aside with a smile still on her face and Renjun finally sees them. 

Yuzuru, Junhwan, and Mr. Orser stood in front of him, all with wide smiles on their faces. Junhwan approaches him first with a tackle of a hug.

"Hyung! I'm so proud of you! I knew you would do so good!" And once again Renjun only laughs, allows himself to relish on the praises and compliments.

When they break apart, Renjun finds himself standing in front of Yuzuru.

They both sport the same expression, like they both want to cry. 

Then all of a sudden, Renjun attacks Yuzuru a hug so tight, like the one they had so many years ago in a hotel in Russia.

Except now, Renjun is as tall as Yuzuru.

Yuzuru returns the tightness of the embrace back.

"Are you proud of me?" Renjun says.

Renjun meets Mr. Orser's eyes. They share a knowing smile.

Yuzuru laughs, even though there's wetness in his voice. "I've always been proud of you."

-

Renjun now sits with Yuna on the couch as they await for the scores to be announced.

They talk a little bit about the performance, how it went, how they felt about it. Nothing too heavy, just little talk to pass the seconds by.

"The scores, please."

Renjun and Yuna stops their conversation, their eyes focused on the screen. Then all of a sudden, numbers appear beside Renjun's name.

103.23.

The whole arena screams, cheers at the score. Yuna is smiling so brightly at him, words coming out of her mouth but Renjun doesn't process them.

He can only stay frozen in his place.

That's at least two points higher then Yuzuru's short program score in Sochi Olympics.

Just breaking from the hundred mark itself is a feat.

And yet.

The judges tell Renjun how his performance was on an Olympic level, something you see being performed on international competitions with the difficulty of his program and the way he executed it with immaculate grace. They say it's an honor to see a performance like that happen right in front of their eyes.

And even though there were still two performances left to skate, everyone already knew the results of the competition: Huang Renjun is going to bring home the gold.

And he does, as he stands in the podium along with Sunghoon and Hakyeon. And as a medal is being slung over his head, Renjun cannot help but echo the voice in his head.

So this is how it feels like, huh.

-

It was Yuna that brought up the idea of a celebration. 

She said a dinner would be great for everyone since it would mean hitting three birds in one stone: a celebration for Renjun's very first 'competition', a mini-reunion with Mr. Orser and the others before they leave Seoul tomorrow morning, and a celebration for their team's overall achievement in the event.

"I've heard you guys have also won tons of medals from other sports, right?" Yuna smiles as he stands beside Renjun.

"There's no reason for us not to eat a fancy meal. I'll pay half the bill."

And that is how their large group got to dine in a fancy Japanese restaurant, much to Yuzuru's delight.

And it might not look like it, but the rest of the members are experiencing a bundle of nervousness and star-struck all at the same time (despite them being stars themselves). After all, they were dining with not one, not two, but three famous people in Korea.

First of all, there's the one and only Kim Yuna. South Korea's national icon when it comes to figure skating.

Second, there's Cha Junhwan, the youngest competitor to skate for Olympics, a rising pride of their country.

And last but not the least, there's Yuzuru Hanyu: a two-time Olympic champion. Despite not being Korean, Yuzuru Hanyu is famous in South Korea, a country who loves the sport these athletes play. His popularity only skyrocketed in the country when he won the gold in Pyeongchang.

These three are faces known all over the world, achieved so much in their lifetime and yet they sit with them in this table in a restaurant sharing a meal together, like they're just another people you'd see on the street.

As he watches Renjun and Yuzuru passionately share a conversation together, Haechan lets curiousity get the best of him.

"Uhm..." He tries to catch Junhwan's attention beside him as he speaks, in which Junhwan immediately notices.

"Yes?"

"I hope you don't mind me asking but how did you meet Renjun?"

Haechan's question catches Chenle and Jisung's attention, their ears listening intently at the conversation.

"Oh, I knew Renjun hyung since I was seven." Junhwan replies so casually, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Seven!?" Haechan exclaims, enough to perk Mark's ears up. Jisung and Chenle widen their eyes.

"Yeah! I was just starting to skate at that time and hyung really helped me by giving me tips for skating and sharing stories. He really made me comfortable with the sport since it can be lonely at times and— "

"Hold up, hold up, hold up," Haechan interrupts. The rest of the members now have their attention on Junhwan except for Renjun who was busy talking with Yuzuru. "I think I'm not catching up, I'm sorry. You mean Renjun gave you skating tips?" There's bewilderment in Haechan's voice, emphasizing the 'you' as he speaks.

"Yeah?" Junhwan tilts his head in wonder. It takes a few seconds for him to realize what was going on, his eyes widen at the implication.

"Wait, you didn't know Renjun hyung used to train to become a professional figure skater before?"

And so, Junhwan shares to them what he knows: that Renjun started skating at a really young age, had the natural talent when it comes to the sport only to realize he wanted to become an idol when he turned twelve. He also knew Renjun stopped training for the sport the moment he passed his audition with SM.

"I wouldn't say it's a pity because hyung definitely enjoys what he is doing right now, but a lot of people really looked forward to him debuting in international competitions." Junhwan says with a meaningful smile.

"He had the natural talent to succeed in the field, and a lot of people really expected him to become as successful as Yuzuru, earning medals and being in the Olympics." He then laughs a little to himself.

"Even I thought I'd join the Olympics with him." He stares at Renjun with admiring eyes, but the other was too busy talking with Yuzuru and Yuna at the moment.

"He'd be very successful if he pursued figure skating, I'm sure he would have been a medallist in the Olympics. He'd probably even be the greatest competitor Yuzuru hyung would have." He smiles towards the others who are currently in awe at the praises Junhwan throws at their member.

Renjun would have been an Olympic medallist if he didn't become an idol and debuted with them.

"He's the greatest figure skater the world never had."

-

yuzuru: i approve your boyfriends

yuzuru:  they seem good personality

renjun: ๏_๏

-

Jaemin wraps his arms on Renjun's waist, the cold air of the night swaying strands of their hair away as Jaemin presses his chest even further on Renjun's back, Jaemin burying his face on Renjun's crown.

Renjun holds Jaemin's hands as they intertwine in his middle.

"Someone could see us, you know."

"And do you actually care about that?"

No, Renjun doesn't actually care about it. He doesn't care if Jaemin is backhugging him out here in the balcony of their dorm, their bodies too close to be considered platonic. This was their moment and no one can take this away from them.

Before Jaemin could say anything else Jeno appears by the balcony door, arms crossed but there's a gentle smile on his face. Jaemin tugs Renjun along with him as they both turn sideways to look at their lover.

"Aren't you a little bit too public to be hugging like that?" Renjun only chuckles at him.

"That's what I said to him."

Jaemin only rubs his cheeks on Renjun's hair, a pout forming along the corner of his lips.

"Well, if our baobei wasn't brooding by himself in the balcony this wouldn't have happened." Renjun knows Jaemin is using that nickname on him because he knows it gets Renjun weak to the knees, and unfortunately it's working.

Jeno's eyes then glint a hint of cheekiness and yet Renjun still finds them heartwarming. He strides to stand in front of Renjun.

"Oh, really? What's got our baby thinking so sentimental in the balcony?"

Jeno also wraps his arms on Renjun's waist, hugging Renjun in front. And Renjun knows they could get in real trouble if someone sees them like this, but Renjun doesn't want to pull away.

These are the rarest of moments where they can publicly show to the world their relationship, in the balcony of their dorm at some high-rise building, in the middle of the night. And yet, they can only have this. 

So Renjun chooses to enjoy this moment.

He breathes out an exhale.

"I was thinking of the competition earlier." Renjun stares out at the vast view of their dorm, lights shining so brightly as the city below them remains alive. A soft smile passes down his face.

They stay in this moment for a few seconds unmoving until Jaemin decides to break the silence.

"Say, Renjun...."

Renjun hums.

"Did you ever imagine yourself being a professional figure skater?"

He can feel Jeno's arms loosen at his waist but Renjun only smiles at the view in front of him.

"It would be a lie to say that I didn't."

Jaemin's breath hitches at the admission.

"Skating used to be my whole life. It was all I ever knew. And sometimes, I thought of how my life could have been if I didn't watched our seniors on TV, and if I actually went ahead to compete in different competitions."

Renjun turns to look at both Jeno and Jaemin in their eyes. He gives them the most beautiful smile both have ever seen.

"And yet, I can't find myself wishing that's how it's supposed to be. If someone took me back in time, I would still choose the path that I took before."

A memory then lingers on Renjun's head as he laughs to himself. "Did you know I was jealous of you guys when I saw you on TV?"

Jeno and Jaemin could only giggle in amusement as it also lingers in their wide eyes directed at the man between them. "I really wished to be like you guys back then and..."

Renjun uses his hold on Jaemin to pull the other closer than they are now. Jaemin complies.

"...here I am now."

Renjun leans his head on Jeno's chest, hearing the way his lover's heart beats so steadily.

"No matter what happens. I'd still choose to be right here with you both. And I'd continue to choose this over and over again."

And Jeno and Jaemin's heart can only swell in love, Renjun's confession knocking them off their feet.

They really do feel like they've lucked out on Renjun.

And this, right here, is everything Renjun could ever wish for: him having a little moment with the loves of his life in this tiny balcony, even though they have a practice tomorrow at nine in the morning and it's like one right now.

This is Renjun's dream. He's glad to see it all come true.