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“Jeeves, I’m an invert,” I said the other day, while the man I addressed was preparing my usual b. and s., and heard a distinct clank, as if someone dropped a fork on a car. Though why would someone drop a f. on c. somewhat escaped me at that moment. The sound was accompanied by the usual, but slightly distressed, because if you know Jeeves as I do, his voice can never be fully “distressed”, only “slightly distressed”, tone of my valet.
“Sir?” he asked, but I could hear that something was wrong in his voice.
“That’s what we should say, Jeeves, if aunt Agatha tries to marry me to some girl again. It’s something I overheard at the Drones. Apparently, some chap said it to an unwanted fiance of his and got free of her influence, so that should work for me, too,” I briefly explained, but could still feel his dismay.
“Indeed, sir. However, sir, do you understand what that means?” Jeeves asked in the same slightly distressed tone. He now approached the sofa I was sitting at so that we could see each other, instead of talking over the shoulders of one another. We usually speak that way, you know, as he is cooking or ironing or whatever, which occupies most of his time. Can’t blame him for that, though.
“Erm, no, I think not,” I confessed. You can’t keep such a thing from Jeeves, so it’s no use trying to conceal it. “Enlighten me?”
“Well, sir, the term you mentioned, “an invert”, is mostly used to refer to, well,” he faltered, which he did not do often, so I presumed it was a serious matter, inverts being some very unattractive chaps or even some kind of an exotic animal. “I think, the most accurate description put into words most suitable to your understanding would be “chaps going out with other chaps”, sir.”
“Chaps going out with other chaps? You mean, like me and Bingo last night, when we went to the opera to see another girl he is infatuated with now? Can’t see how that can help repel potential fiances,” I said as I thought that Jeeves was talking drivel. “Jeeves, you are talking drivel,” I said.
“Perhaps, sir, it would better explain the matters if I said that by that expression I meant men courting men as most men court women.”
“Ah, I see what you mean now. But, wait a minute, Jeeves. Is that even possible? I mean, wouldn’t they do other romantic stuff like, say, buying the other one flowers and other whatsits?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good lord!” I exclaimed. “If you could do that, why aren’t there many such couples out there? Come to think of it, I never saw one,” I pondered, as such a prospect is dashed good, not having to deal with the usual woman character. Not that it’s bad, of course, just, well, different. I, for one thing, never truly met eye to eye with any one of the fairer sex.
“Unfortunately, there are certain legal repercussions towards such gentlemen, sir. That is why I would advise against telling it to anyone, sir.” I could see that Jeeves eased a bit. Whether it was because I said something or , I could not say. He then returned to preparing a drink.
I thought for a bit, and then a most striking thought striked me.
“Jeeves?”
“Yes, sir?” he replied while already approaching me with a refreshing b. and s. on a plate.
“I don’t care the slightest bit if the law forbids that, but I would really like to go out with you,” I said, but just as the words escaped my mouth, I lost all my confidence. And then there was another loud metallic sound, but instead of a fork landing on a car it was more like a car landing in a pool of forks. However, I didn’t see what had caused it, as I staggered, if it’s possible to stagger while sitting on a sofa, and dropped my head into my hands.
“I-I-I mean, if you want to, not that I order you to do that or anything. Not that we also have to do it in public, in fact, we really shouldn’t do it in public, oh dear, I really should stop talking, forgive me, Jeeves.” There was a moment of silence which felt like an eternity, if you’ll pardon me for being a bit Madeline-Bassetish. And then another one. And one more. In spite of being, well, in shock, I grew tired of these recurrent moments of silence that felt like an eternity and managed to lift my head. I saw Jeeves, standing as if a plate was in his hands, but no plate in sight. Moreover, his face was most un-Jeevesian, as he stood there with a frightfully incredible expression all over his face I have never even thought he was capable of, gaping like a fish I saw the other day at the aquarium.
“Um, Jeeves, is everything alright?” I asked, knowing that everything was very much not alright.
“Y-yes, sir,” he sprang and came back to life. “And really, sir, you should not be apologising. I would very much like to engage in the activites proposed by you.” Now that was my Jeeves. How he can recover so quickly was...wait, what did he just say? Of course, I am not seriously asking this question while retelling the events now, but that was exactly what I thought at that moment.
“What did you just say?”
“I said I would very much like to engage in the activities proposed by you, sir,” he repeated in the same tone. Or was it really the same tone? I could not say, I had not really heard it the first time, that’s why I asked the question, obviously.
“Oh. Oh!” I exclaimed and sprang to my feet. “I hope I’m not sounding too straightforward now,” I somehow regained the confidence, “but I would really like to kiss you right now.”
“Surely, sir, but I would propose against doing it here, as I have carelessly dropped your beverage on the floor.”
“Dash the “beverage”, Jeeves,” I said and, with even more confidence, pulled him by the lapels of that impeccable jacket of his so that we both ended up on the sofa.