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"Ryan, I think I'm ready to sleep on my own," Min said, closing the restroom door behind him.
The two had been on the road for almost two months now and it had been going pretty good. Sure, they hadn't secured that New York show, but they were getting there. That also means it has been almost two months since they've gotten off the train. Even though they've been off for a while, the two were constantly reliving the train's harsh environment. It was hard, especially for Min to sleep at night in those dirty motel rooms. Ryan had the advantage of always having to share a room and being a messier person in general. Being far from home and living with someone else is hard to get used to for Min. Plus the added tension of the train made Min more aware of his surroundings. Although the train did a lot of good for their relationship, it also left a lot of damage they needed to fix themselves.
"Oh, are sure?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah. I think I'm comfortable enough to where I'll be fine by myself."
"Okay... If you're sure."
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The first few nights on the road were tough on Min. When he would try to go to bed, the plain yellow walls of the motel and the cheap paintings of outdoor scenery gave him bad memories. So when Min asked if he could sleep with Ryan on the first week of being out of Powell Lake, he was surprised but understood why he wouldn't want to sleep alone.
First it would just be them sleeping on opposite ends of the bed. Ryan on the left, and Min on the right. But after a couple days of this, Ryan started to get concerned.
"Min?"
"Yeah, Ryan?"
Ryan turned his body over to the right to face Min, but the taller of the two kept his eyes glued to the ceiling.
"Do you sleep here because you don't like playing these shows anymore?"
"What? No, Ryan playing with you is one of the best things that ever happened to me." Min replied, now facing his best friend, but keeping his body in the same position.
"Okay, I'm just worried one day you'll get bored of this and want to go back to Uni ya' know?"
"No way. I would take sleeping in a cheap motel any day over having to sit through a college course about finance."
"So, do you sleep here because you think this place is gross?"
"No. Yeah, some of the rooms we've stayed in haven't been top notch, but I just get a bad feeling while inside the rooms sometimes."
"What do you mean by a bad feeling?"
"I mean like... I mean like the train. I know it's been weeks, but it still gets to me."
"Yeah me too," Ryan smiles. "Yesterday at the venue I got a heart attack from thinking my hand still had a number on it. It just turned out to be one of the stupid green stage lights shining on me."
Min let out a small laugh before bringing it back to a frown and continued explaining.
"It's just sometimes when I look at those paintings on the walls I start to feel uncomfortable."
"Min, if this is about what I did-"
"No Ryan it's not." Min was now fully turned toward Ryan and made sure to make eye contact so his friend knew he meant what he was saying.
"I wasn't kidding when I said I don't blame you for what happened back on the train. I did stupid things that I still regret and I do not blame you for what happened in the Art Gallery."
Ryan averted his eyes to the mattress below them before nodding in acknowledgement.
"I just remember being cold and alone in there so I thought maybe if I shared the bed I would be able to sleep easier."
"Well, has it been working?"
"Yeah it's been working pretty well actually. I can go back to sleeping in my own bed if you want."
"No umm, it's fine." Ryan reached his arm out and grabbed onto Min-Gi's arm. "I was just asking because I was worried about you."
They both smiled at each other before saying their goodnight and closing their eyes. Ryan was the first to fall asleep while leaving Min to look forward at his best friend's features. His narrow nose and his thin eyebrows.
Min wasn't lying when he said he slept in the same bed as Ryan because of his fear of being alone. However, it seemed Min began to realize a fear worse than the paintings hung up in the room. The feelings he had been repressing since he was little. It was easy when Ryan wasn't with him all day, but now he had to see his face every night just before bed.
Min closed his eyes and let out a sigh. "Shit."
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A full three weeks had passed and in those weeks they got to play five different shows. Min was beginning to get used to the party life, but maybe not so much the after party life.
Min was actually having a blast on stage. Even if he still dealt with the occasional stage fright, he was getting more comfortable performing with Ryan. They would wake up, eat, occasionally sight see, and rock out at the end of the night. It was a life people dream of having, and one Min was lucky to have. However, even with how nice everything was going he still had issues getting sleep at night. So every night he and Ryan would continue to sleep in the same bed. It got to the point where they began to book single bedded rooms. They sometimes get stares from the desk workers, but they stopped caring after a while.
That night they were staying up late at the motel. Their next gig was in two days so they could stay up and not face the consequences of having dark under eye circles on stage. Ryan was laying on the room's only bed while Min was sitting at the built-in desk next to the TV.
Now that they're only getting single bedded rooms Min just relaxes on the couch or chairs in the motel. Ryan had made it abundantly clear that Min can lay down on the bed while he's on it, but Min always declines.
Ryan was watching some kind of crime investigation show while sneaking in some glances at Min in between. At first he thought it was nothing, but Min was definitely staring at something.
"Hey Min, you good?"
Min-Gi took a couple seconds to respond, but when he did he still remained staring.
"That painting over there..."
Ryan tracked and followed Min's eyes to a painting of trees in a yellow and brown color palette.
"That painting looks exactly like the one in the Art Gallery Car. You know, the one you thought was oak trees."
"Man, even after all the shit we went through on that train you still can't forget that?'' Ryan smiled.
"I made sure to store your words deep into my mind just in case I have to poke fun at you."
Even with them now laughing Min still managed to see the negatives in the situation and grew silent.
"It's embarrassing but it kinda creeps me out still."
"Aw what, that's not embarrassing." Ryan scooted over in the bed and patted the bed side next to him as an invitation for Min to sit down. Seeing this, Min pushes out the chair from underneath him and sits down on the bed next to Ryan.
Ever since Min had restored his feelings towards Ryan everything has gotten more awkward for him. All the little things Ryan likes doing such as putting his arm around him and touching his face have been starting to make Min freeze up again. Just like how he did back then. To prevent himself from becoming a red-faced mess, Min prompted to only lay next to him before bed so Ryan won't be able to see if shades of pink decided to run up his face with the close contact.
Now that he was laying next to Ryan, all he could pay attention to was the guitarist. Min decided to get fully under the covers while Ryan sat up against the headboard watching the TV.
"Here, you wanna watch this crime show with me. It's about some dude who's trying to avenge his daughter. Or was it his niece? Anyways it’s probably one of those. I just changed to this channel like five minutes ago so I still have no idea what's going on."
"Sure, but I am getting pretty tired though."
Ryan smiled and swung an arm around Min's shoulders. This immediately caused Min to look up at his friend and be met with his smile.
"That's alright. I'll be right here, just get some sleep."
Min began to feel warmth around his cheeks as he said "okay" and closed his eyes.
The distance between them was too far for Ryan to be comfortable, even Min noticed but he didn't comment on it. What he did notice was Ryan scooting up next to him and practically pushing Min-Gi's body onto him. Now Min's head was positioned more than half way on Ryan's torso and his mind was racing. Ryan didn't seem to think much of it with his eyes still on the TV as he kept his unmoving arm around him.
Min hated to admit it, but being like this made it so much easier to fall asleep. Not because it didn't make him freak out, it did. But, because it got his mind away from everything else.
He wasn't wondering if his family would call him one day and tell him to come home out of anger. He didn't have to think of opening a door that led him back on the train. He didn't have to think of the audience knowing he misplayed a note on stage. Right now it was just him and Ryan and he liked that a lot. However, it worries him that if he ever got over his fear of the paintings, he still wouldn't want to leave Ryan's bed.
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It was the fifth week of them being out on the road and Min was going crazy. The concerts were exhilarating for him and the late night talks with Ryan relieved any built-up stress that day. But today was not like a normal day for him.
Today was the dreaded weekly call he promised to make to his parents. When Min told them about his newly formed plans with Ryan they didn't take it so well. They weren't exactly upset with Min's choice to move away and perform in a band, just confused.
The Park's had suspected Min to have distractions along the way to his planned out future, but they couldn't wrap their head around why their son would choose his instinct over what would be bound to give his success.
It's not that Min hated speaking to his parents, it's just that he would always wait in agony to hear them ask how his new rock star career was going. He wanted to believe his parents were asking out of love and interest to see how the band was doing, but he felt they only asked to see if the band had fallen apart.
Right before he packed his bags Min's parents made his promise to call them every week to see how they were doing. As well as having genuine worry after losing their son to a train for several months. It was fine at first, relieving even, but as the weeks went by he started to stress more and more over these phone calls.
"Min, are you good?" Ryan asked, tilting his head to get a better look at him.
Min was currently sitting at the small motel table and combing his hair with his hands out of frustration.
"Ryan, I don't know what to do. I want to keep calling my parents to say I'm okay but, man, they're always asking about us and how the band is doing."
Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed behind Min tweaking his guitar and getting ready to put it back in it's case.
"And what's wrong with that?"
Min grabbed onto the sides of his face and only made eye-contact with the wooden desk under him.
"Nothing but, I just wonder if they think I'm going to fail one day and that I'll need to go back to taking finance and only stick to playing violin."
"Well if they make you feel that way you could always just not call them" Ryan said, closing his instrument into the case and locking it.
"Ryan, I can't just not call them. They already think I got kidnapped for months, I don't know if they can handle another missing son scare" Min replied leaning back in his chair to get a better look at Ryan who had just begun to climb into bed.
"Hey at least your parents want you to call them" Ryan smiled awkwardly before dropping it entirely.
"You don't call your parents anymore?"
"Umm I do. It's just most of the time they're not home, or it's one of my sisters. Ya' know it kinda feels like someone new is picking up the phone each time I call, and they always come up with a reason to not speak to me for long..."
"Ryan. I'm sure they don't do it on purpose. You've always had a lot going on in your family you know. Your parents do care about you."
Ryan just sighed and said "I know they do, it's just hard to believe that when no ones around to remind you of that."
Min-Gi looked at Ryan with a worried expression and then at the clock.
"I'm gonna go call my parents okay?"
Ryan nodded his head.
Min grabbed the key to the room and headed out to the front of the motel. There was a payphone inside of the building, but Min decided to go to the one outside for more privacy from the people at the front desk.
He paid with the pocket change he had on him and hesitantly pressed the number to his house phone.
The phone began to ring.
"Hello?" Mrs. Park's voice could be heard from the other end of the receiver.
"Hi Mom."
"Min-Gi, how are you? I'll go get your father, give me just a second."
He heard the telephone being put down and his mother's footsteps as she walked away. Since he was alone with his thoughts he had the luxury to stand and overthink what his parents would say. The last thing he wanted to do was disappoint them, and even though he loved being with Ryan he wonders if his parents would have liked for him to go to college instead.
"Min? I'm here, I brought your father."
He could hear the phone moving.
"Hello Min-Gi."
"Hi Dad."
"So, how are you and Ryan doing out there? Did you get that New York show yet?"
"Umm, no Dad. We haven't got it yet."
"Oh okay! Well how are you doing on money? Do you need anything?"
Min clutched onto the phone, "Dad I swear I can get some more money. We don't have the New York gig yet but we're still getting by."
Min heard the phone move away from his dad's ear and his parents talking to one another. After a couple of seconds he could hear, but this time it was his mom.
"Min what's wrong? Did you tell your father how you're doing?"
"Umm I'm fine. I was just telling him we will get the tickets to New York soon okay? We just need a little more time."
Mrs. Park paused before speaking which made Min worry more than he originally was.
"Min-Gi, what are you talking about? We aren't asking about the New York show anymore, we just want to know if you're okay."
Min initial grasp on the phone was loosened, "Huh?"
"Min, why do you think we tell you to call us every week? We don't want you up and disappearing again. Now, how are you and Ryan doing?"
"Umm...good Mom. Sorry I just thought if I left town to be in a band instead of going to college you would want to know how everything was going success wise."
"No honey, I know we were surprised when you wanted to leave but that doesn't mean we didn't think you could do it. We just wanted to set you up on a path to success. When me and your father first moved to Canada it was hard on us, we just wanted to make sure you didn't have to struggle like we did. But we also understand that you are an adult now, I'm sure you can make these kinds of decisions for yourself Min-Gi."
"Thanks Mom," Min smiled. "Me and Ryan are getting gigs so we're going better than even I expected."
"Okay- Oh hold on, here's your father again."
"Min-Gi are you okay?"
Min laughed, "Yes Dad I'm okay. Me and Ryan just got booked to perform in a few days so we should be set for a good while."
"Alright, just know that we're here to help you along the way or if you need somewhere to stay. The world isn't going to go easy on you, but I know you and Ryan can make it."
"Thank you Dad, I'll call you if I need anything."
Min heard the phone shuffle one last time until he heard his mom speak.
"Min we love you honey, I'm glad to hear everything is going okay. And try not to stress, you know how you get."
Min gave a smile he wished his parents could see.
"Okay, Mom I'll try not to."
"saranghaeyo!"
"saranghaeyo, bye Mom!"
"Bye Min-Gi!"
Min put the phone back on the receiver and was left to the noise of the outside crickets chirping. It was still an eerie environment to be out this late at night, but the pressure of the phone call was much worse, and he had just gotten past that fear.
"So how did it go?" Ryan asked as Min closed the door behind him. Ryan was laying back on the headboard with papers sprawled on the bed.
"Well it went better than expected."
"Did they ask about the band?"
Min walked over and sat on the other end of their shared bed. "Yeah sorta, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. Turns out I was just overthinking things."
Ryan smirked, "as you often do."
"Are these song lyrics you're working on?" Min asked while grabbing one of the sheets and began to read.
"No, don't!"
Ryan snatched the paper out of his friend's hands and scrambled to gather the rest into a pile.
"Woah man I'm sorry, I thought you loved sharing lyric ideas" Min said putting his hands up defensively.
"I um, I do. It's just that these aren't ready yet, far from ready" Ryan responded with his face glowing into a bright pink. Min noticed this but decided not to question it any further.
"Well, are there any that are ready?"
Ryan's eyes shot up with papers held close to his body. Ryan looked through each page, but continued to hold them close enough to himself so Min wouldn't be able to see anything written on them.
"Here, this is still a draft but it's all I've got," Ryan said, only handing Min one piece of paper.
Min takes the paper and reads the words spread all over the sheet. These were obviously more like blueprints than lyrics, however they were some rhyming words thrown around. Some of them looked completely unreadable with his fast messy handwriting, but not in any way Ryan typically writes. Some words were driven through the paper like it was on purpose.
"I wrote all that the day I decided to go see you from Powell Lake" Ryan said. "I felt like shit that day and when I called my parents...they didn't answer. That's when I knew I had to pack up and go see you again. I couldn't take it out here alone anymore."
"Ryan, have you not called your parents since we left?"
"What no! Well kinda... I make collect calls to them."
"But you do actually use it to call them right?"
"Um, no not really."
Ryan took the page from Min's hand and got up to leave the papers faced down on a nearby table, then sat back down on the bed.
"When they request my name on the phone I just tell them I'm fine so my parents won't have to pay for the call."
"So that's all they hear from you? Two seconds of you saying that you're okay?"
Ryan gave a sad smile to Min, "yeah."
"Ryan, you have to call your parents once in a while. I know they get busy, but that doesn't mean they don't care about you."
His friend didn't respond. Instead he got into the covers of the bed and hid inside the blanket.
"Ryan."
"Min, did I make you come here?"
"Ryan what are you saying?"
Ryan peaked out from under the blanket, but still didn't look at Min.
"I know you said coming here was a good thing and you would rather be here than an uni but, seeing you worry about the band makes me feel like you don't think we're gonna make it."
"Ryan, when I decided to come here I told you it didn't matter if we sold one million albums or not a single one. I came here for us Ryan, not to impress anybody. I know I worry about what my parents think, but even if they hated the idea of me leaving I would still be out here with you."
"I just don't wanna show up to my parents empty handed you know. I wanna show them I've actually been doing something worthwhile out here."
Min moved to get underneath the cover of the bed and looked towards his best friend. "I know how it feels to want to impress your parents, I've been doing that my whole life."
"But your parents actually helped you, they always had high hopes for you. My parents never really cared if I went anywhere with my music or not."
"Well yes, my parents did expect big things from me, but that doesn't mean it anyways felt nice. Being under that kind of pressure isn't easy, and doesn't leave a lot of room for doing anything they don't tell you to do."
Ryan laid in silence being practically fully covered in bed sheets.
"What I'm saying is that no pair of parents will ever raise you perfect Ryan. No kid is ever gonna be an exact replica of their parents, so they have to figure it out on their own. I love my mom and dad to death, but if they acted a bit more like yours I'm sure I would have followed my dream for music much sooner."
Ryan let out a small laugh and put his hands in his hair.
"No, they're not always there when you need them to be, but they've always let you be who you are. To me that's one of the best gifts a parent can give."
Ryan let out a whine while sitting up and mushed his face into Min's chest.
"Mhm omhy Mim..."
The vibrations on Min's breast bones was enough to make his heart rate increase. This made his laugh come off as awkward.
"Um, what was that Ryan?"
Ryan looked up at Min's face with his glasses tilted on his face. "Thank you Min, I really needed to hear that."
Min put on a big smile as Ryan laid back down and patted a spot next to him. He accepted his request and laid down by his side.
"I'm not too close, am I?"
"No no, you're okay" Ryan said, snuggling into himself.
"But Ryan,"
They both looked into each other's eyes.
"Promise me you'll call home tomorrow. Even if no one answers or one of your siblings answers, I want you to at least try to talk to them."
Ryan smiled and reached over to plant a small peck on Min's forehead. "Okay I promise. Good night Min."
If it weren't for the bones in his body, Min was sure he would have immediately melted away due to the high temperature inside his body.
"Good- Good night Ryan."
—————————
Eight weeks. It had been 59 days since the boys hit the road, and they had spent each day together. More people had been asking them for shows and the boys just kept coming. If Min was being perfectly honest, he didn't think they were going to be that big of a hit. But he is happy to admit that Chicken Choice Judy proved him wrong and now he got to spend his days doing what he actually enjoys.
The paintings on the motel wall were a cruel reminder to him of what happened on the train, but after so long Min feels he may finally be able to move past it.
Maybe not safe enough to visit an actual art gallery, but secure enough to be able to sleep at night next to one or two of them.
Their next show was two hours away from where they were staying and they had just finished loading all the stuff into the back of the van. After analyzing the framed pieces for a moment Min went into the bathroom and washed his face. He looked at himself in the mirror and really thought of his life up until now.
He hates to think of where he would be without Ryan and that damned train. In a matter of 59 days Min has told his parents his genuine thoughts on college, quit his job, pursued his true career, and ran away with my best friend. Never in his life had he thought he could accomplish any of this in just about two months or even a lifetime. But now he was finally standing up for himself, now he can finally say he can look up at those shitty abstract paintings and not be brought back to that horrifying car.
Opening the door, he saw Ryan sitting at the edge of the bed with the room mostly empty, similar to how it looked when they first got there.
"Ryan, I think I'm ready to sleep on my own," Min said, closing the restroom door behind him.
His friend looked up at him with concern, "Oh, are sure?"
"Yeah. I think I'm comfortable enough to where I'll be fine by myself."
"Okay...If you're sure. Are you over your fear or something?"
"Well kinda. I won't be seen at any art museum but, I think I can handle myself now. I just really want to do this to prove to myself I can get through this."
"Then I'm guessing you want me to book us two bedded rooms from now on, right?"
"Yes. That would be great."
Ryan gave an awkward smile but nonetheless agreed to Min's request.
After deciding on the plan for their next room, they began their drive, stopped at a nearby music store, and checked into the motel for the afternoon that now had two beds.
That night was one of the best performances yet. It hosted Chicken Choice Judy's largest crowd ever and after the concert they met a group of fans that made their own custom shirt for the band. It remained Min of the shirt he had made Ryan back in highschool. Back when he could keep his not-very-platonic-feelings about his friend on the backburner. On the drive back Ryan told Min they should consider selling their own shirts with the design Min first made for him in high school. It was a new idea, but Min was growing to like new ideas.
Finally they made it back around midnight. Because of the money saved on single bed motel rooms, they could finally afford a decent hotel. The inside of the room was cold, but Min was trying to push that away. He wasn't trying to hide from my problems anymore, he was just making sure his fears wouldn't control him anymore. So he took a shower, brushed his teeth, and laid back on his own bed. Ryan followed shortly after and for the first time in weeks didn't make room for Min.
"Are you sure you're gonna be fine over there?"
"Ryan, I told you I'll be fine. I know I've been acting weird these few weeks but, I know I can handle myself."
"Okay I believe you, good night Min"
"Good night."
Then they both closed their eyes in silence. Min felt that cold chill again and began to remember the paintings that were hung up in the room. This time they were paintings of realist fruits which wasn't Min's favorite kind of art but it was okay. Then Min realized he was alone. No matter how far he scooted to the left Ryan would not be there for him to bump into.
Although Min really wanted to do this to prove he can get over his fear, he also feared not being with Ryan anymore. Before this trip, he hadn't slept with Ryan since intermediate school. Time could only tell when he would get another opportunity to be held by Ryan again in his sleep.
Even since Ryan had let Min sleep with him, Ryan had begun to get more touchy. Just last week when Min shivered in their shared bed Ryan pulled closer and began practically spooning him. Min's mind was running 100 miles per hour while Ryan probably thought this was just a platonic way of helping out his shaking friend. Because of this, Min actually held off from telling Ryan he was feeling better about the paintings for a couple days.
Yes he missed that odd ball with some of the softest brown hair he'd ever seen, but at least he could finally sleep on his own.
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That morning Min woke up bright and early. Ryan was still sleeping so he decided to get a head start with getting ready.
"Ryan. Hey Ryan" Min said, slightly shaking his shoulder. Ryan groaned before opening his eyes and looking up at the already dressed Min-Gi Park.
"Good morning Ryan. I got you some waffles from downstairs, you want em'."
Min thought he was opening his mouth to reply but instead let out a long yawn while stretching his arms out above him.
"What?"
"Um the waffles. Do you want them?" Min said, taking them off the table to show him.
"Mh hm" Ryan managed to say while grabbing at his food.
"Here." Min placed the food on his friend's lap and set a glass of orange juice for him on the table.
"Thanks man."
Ryan began attempting to eat his food while missing his mouth several times and hitting his cheek instead. That with his hair tangled and the dark shade under his eyes, Ryan looked sorta like shit.
"Hey are you doing okay Ryan? You don't look so good today."
His friend instantly perked up from this comment then shrugged it off.
"Pff, I'm fine Min. Just couldn't fall asleep last night. That's all."
This garnered suspicion from Min-Gi, but he chose not to question him any further. For now that is.
Min reached over to grab Ryan's glasses that were left on the bedside table and slowly pushed them onto Ryan's face.
Ryan remained perfectly still at this which allowed them to stare at each for a moment.
...
"Umm, I have to- I have to go get ready. I'm just gonna-" Ryan slipped away from Min and ran into the bathroom taking his bag with him.
Min wondered if this means he messed up. If Ryan thought he was a weirdo now for doing that.
But he tried to not let that thought consume him. Instead they went to an aquarium that afternoon and just enjoyed being away from home. The fish, the blue lighting, the man standing next to him. He thought he was going insane at this point.
At first he thought maybe he could hide his weird feelings for his best friends, but it's been so hard to conceal. Especially when you're with him every hour of the day and you've been sleeping together for as long as they have.
He hated feeling this good around Ryan.
They arrived back at the hotel around 7pm. They had just eaten lunch and were putting the leftovers on the counter for later.
While he loved sharing a bed with Ryan, at least he wouldn't have to worry about getting flustered from his friend brushing against him in his new single bed.
"So, you slept real good last night?" Ryan asked, already tucked into bed.
"Yeah! Felt like sleeping at home honestly, I'm just glad my life is feeling more normal."
"Oh- yeah. More normal. Course, It's hard to feel normal when you're sleeping with... yeah."
There was that funny talk again. Min turned to face Ryan who was sadly not already looking his way.
"Ryan, are you sure you're doing all right?"
"Yes of course! Min you're the one I should be worried about, not vice versa."
"Well I'm just returning the favor I guess."
Ryan gripped the blanket in the palm of his hand.
"Min can we just talk about this in the morning?"
"But Ryan, you know we're supposed to tell each other what's wrong. I don't want you to bottle stuff up."
"Min please." Ryan gives him a side glance before turning around and facing his back towards Min-Gi.
"I'll talk about it in the morning, I swear, good night."
Disappointed, Min reached to turn off the lamp in-between their two beds and turned his back as well.
"Good night."
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"Min" "Min" "Hey Min" "Min-Gi"
Min twitched before his eyes shot open. It felt late, really late.
He turned back around to see Ryan standing up next to his bed. He looked over at the clock and saw it was 3 in the morning. Oh boy.
"What do you need Ryan?"
"Can I sleep with you tonight?"
His eyes widened. Suddenly he was more awake and aware of the situation.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Nothing I guess. I was just thinking of the bell. Yeah- I was scared of the bell."
Even though it was nearly pitch black in the room, he was hoping Ryan could still make out the look of confusion on his face.
"The bell?"
"Yeah you know the one down in the lobby. It reminded me of Kez and then I got sad and scared and now I have to sleep with you."
Min was left speechless with this information and he had to rub his eyes to gather it all together.
"So you're scared of Kez now?"
"No! I just- please can I sleep here."
Although his friend was acting odd, Min moved over and let Ryan crash on the left side on the mattress. Not that it took much convincing, he was just wondering why Ryan was suddenly the one scared to sleep on his own.
"Thanks man. Sorry if you think this is weird and all. I'll go back to my own bed tomorrow."
"Ryan this isn't weird. We've been doing this for weeks, why would it be?"
"Well you called it weird. I mean it is kind of strange to always be sleeping with another guy but-"
"Huh? Ryan, what are you talking about? Did you think me sleeping with you was weird? If you asked I would have stopped."
"No, you thought it was weird. You said sleeping here made you feel more normal."
"Ryan I was talking about "normal" in the sense that I'm not always thinking that I'm on the train anymore."
"Oh...Really?" Ryan asked, sitting up to Min-Gi's height. Or at least trying too.
"Yes! What did you think I was talking about?"
Ryan started speaking with his hands, "Well I thought you meant like, you didn't feel normal because you were sleeping with me. And that sleeping with me made you feel like you were- ya' know."
"...Gay?" Min asked.
Ryan's body stiffened up at the word. Not in a good way like when Min put on his glasses. In the way you freeze up after you hear your name being called from your upset mother.
"Yeah that."
"Ryan I don't care if it makes me look gay. It's not like anyone's here anyways. Unless you go off and tell people we hug each other sleeping."
This sentence left both of the boys blushing, but what difference did that make in a room so dark you can hardly make out facial features.
"So you don't care if people are gay or not?"
"No, I don't see why being gay would matter that much."
"Really? Even if one of your friends from school were gay?"
"Yeah. That would be fine" Min shrugged.
"Even if you knew them really really well?"
"Yes"
"Even if your brother was gay?"
"Ryan, I don't even have a brother."
"The point still stands Min."
"Why do you care so much? Do you... do you not like gay people?"
"What! No no I don't have a problem with it" Ryan said shaking his hands in front of him.
"Then why do you keep asking if I'm bothered by it?"
Ryan let out a huff and crossed his arms on top of his knees that he curled up to his stomach.
"I just don't like don't like being called that word."
"But there's nothing wrong with being gay."
"I know that, it's just- I've never heard it used in a nice way before."
Min frowned and moved a bit closer to Ryan. He used this close distance to lay his hand on Ryan's head and rubbed his long hair with his thumb.
"Ryan it shouldn't matter what people say. People who use gay as an insult are just arrogant and childish."
Ryan looked up at Min then readjusted his glasses by pushing them up on his nose. " I know that, I just can't help but think about it when I hear it."
"Here."
Min-Gi wrapped his arms around Ryan and dragged him down on the bed so that they were now both lying down. Ryan was looking wide-eyed at him while Min's only response was a smile.
"What are you doing?"
"Being gay so you won't be so embarrassed."
Min reached under Ryan's shirt and wrapped his arms around his stomach. This made both of their faces turn crazy red, but instead of silence Ryan decided to say something.
"Min I- I don't think you wanna do that..."
Ryan was dawning a frown while Min had his persistent but small smile.
"Why not?"
"Because! I think I-"
Ryan stopped speaking all together and let himself think of what to say, all the while Min is still holding onto him.
"Min, if I told you I'm not sure you would want to be around me anymore."
Min left his right arm buried under Ryan's stomach and used his other arm to push the hair out of his friend's face.
"I will always want to be with you Ryan."
Ryan's face burned up with a red blush and moved his head to look down at Min's chest instead of his eyes out of embarrassment.
"So...do you remember all those girls I told you about?"
"The girls you dated? Yeah."
"When I was by myself on the road the loneliness just hit me and to make up for it I would get with different girls to feel less alone. Even though I would have good dates with them and would enjoy their company, I could never get any of them to like me all that much."
Ryan removed his glasses and folded them quietly together. Min saw this and offered his free hand to move them to the side. Ryan silently agreed and Min put his glasses on the bedside table behind him before letting him continue.
"But one night when I was out with this girl she took me to a party. Everything was cool until this guy came up to me and I thought he was just being friendly at first. Then over time I noticed the tone and the close contact he was giving me and I just froze. I was so confused on what to do and I just ran away. After that day I've been thinking about it, not really the guy, but just being attracted to guys you know? I'm sorry if this is all of a sudden and weird."
"Umm well since you're being honest with your feelings, do you think I can tell you mine?"
Ryan finally looked up at Min again and what looked like full of desperation nodded his head.
"When you took me out here and we started playing together, I started feeling weird things too. But actually I was having these feelings like way before that. Maybe around freshman year of high school."
"What kind of feelings?" Ryan asked. Being a little more interested in the story than he wanted to be.
"Um... feelings about kissing dudes."
"What!? You felt that all the way in freshman year?"
Min laughed at his friend's response which really made this whole situation better. Min would have never thought about talking about his gay closeted thoughts out loud, especially so casually. But, he was with Ryan, and now he knew they both had the same feelings. It was like a weight lifted off of him after all these years.
"At first I thought it was just because I had no luck with girls, then it turned into me not caring about girls like my friends at school did. Then I realized that I was more interested in looking at guys until it reached the point where I wanted to kiss one..." Min laughed "ya know?"
Ryan moved closer to Min on the bed and put his cheek against Min-Gi's chest for comfort from the embarrassing conversation. Though that didn't make them any less flustered.
"Min I had no idea you felt this way for this long. I had those thoughts too but when I did I always told myself it was wrong. I know it sounds stupid."
"Ryan."
Min put his hands on the sides of Ryan's face and he looked up to meet his eyes.
"There's nothing stupid about being scared. Being scared was the reason I didn't tell you that I’ve always liked- Uhh... hmm.”
Min shut his own sentence down.
“That you’ve always liked who?” Ryan asked. Min just stared straight at his friend hoping he would get the message. But doing this took a lot of courage for Min, so when Ryan’s questioning expression changed to shock he tried to keep it together.
“Min do you- are you talking about me?”
Suddenly Min's confidence went down the drain and Ryan for the first time in his life found himself wanting to talk about his feelings towards his friend. His arms sprang up and gripped onto Min-Gi's shoulders with a passion.
"Min, did you say you liked me?"
"I eh- I don't know."
Min-Gi's tone was now a lot weaker than before and took both his hands away from Ryan and huddled them closer to himself.
"Min-Gi."
Ryan gabbed both of Min's hands with his own and with shaking palm continued speaking
"Can I be completely honest with you again without having to worry about losing you?"
Min agreed confidently but was still hesitant to hear Ryan's words.
"Well umm, when I went out by myself I thought I did it so I could pursue my life of music, which was half of it; but the truth was I didn't just wanna run away and play music, I wanted to run away and play music with you. By the time I realized that I was already trying to fit a girlfriend in your place and it just never worked. So I came back because I realized I didn't want some girl, I wanted you Min."
The room they were in was dark, but with them being so close it was doing a shitty job at hiding both boys' nervous faces. Ryan's palms were getting sweaty in Min-Gi's hands as he waited for a response.
"Ugh, I should have told you sooner," Min said, closing his eyes and pushing the side of his head more into the pillow.
"Told me? Tell me what?"
"I should have told you how I felt back in high school."
Min opened his eyes to a silent but obviously curious Ryan that wanted him to go on with what he was saying. "I wanted to kiss you all the time back then, I just was too nervous to actually do it."
Ryan let out an audible gasp and slowly shook Min's hands side to side with his own."Min, are you serious!" Ryan said with a growing grin.
"Yes! I... had so many opportunities to do it but I was just so nervous to say anything."
"So you like me, like romantically?" Ryan grinned.
Min gave a small smile "yes Ryan I do."
Ryan sat up in the bed with a smile big enough to hurt his cheeks and swung his arms back and forth chanting "yes" over and over.
Min finally regained his smile and sat up in the bed to meet Ryan's eyes that weren't even looking at his.
"Why are you so excited? How long have you liked me?" Min chuckled. Ryan put his arms down and looked over at Min with a face full of delight. It's not often Min gets to see him without his bright red glasses, it was nice to how beautiful he was with or without them on.
"Since I came back to Powell Lake to steal you away for several months."
Min laughed at his response and was starting to feel pretty confident again. With the information that these romantic feelings weren't just one sided it made it talking about these things way easier. But discussing the topic of falling in love with his childhood best friend still made him nervous.
"Dude you so should have kissed me back in high school. I would have probably realized I had a crush on you a lot sooner, because right before I came back to town I realized how much gay shit we did when we were younger."
"Yeah me too, but I'm glad I could finally tell someone about this, and that, that someone is you."
Ryan let out a squeal of joy before placing his hand on top of friend's. Friends? Is that how they should still refer to each as?
"So does this mean we're dating or do you wanna stay just friends?"
Min-Gi's smirked and was astonished that Ryan would ask a question like that after their conversation.
"Well, I would hate to stay just friends after confessing my years of bottled up feelings for you."
Ryan's mouth opened to a gasp and began shaking with excitement.
"Yes! And- and we can do cute couple things like going on dates, and call each other cute nicknames, and wear each other's clothes!"
"Heh, Ryan you already do that. You were wearing my shirt two days ago."
Ryan gave an awkward smile "that's because all your clothes are comfy."
The two shared laughs together until Ryan got on his hands and knees to bring his face much closer to Min's.
"So are we boyfriends yet, or do we need to go on a date first or" Ryan looked down for a second, "kiss first."
Min's smile was as bright as Ryan's blush.
"Is it weird to ask for a kiss before your first date or-?"
Min laughed, "aren't you the dating expert that pulled three different girls on his own?"
"But this time it's different because it's with you. I didn't really care what those girls thought of me if I’m being completely honest" Ryan admitted.
"Well I'm ready to be considered officially dating when you are."
They were both flustered messes next to one another. At the rate their hearts were going it was almost like they were running a marathon. However Min caught onto Ryan's more focused silence. His eyes were darting from his eyes to just right below them. Min wasn't the most self-aware person, but he could at least recognize what Ryan was feeling in this moment.
Min laughed, "Ryan, are you gonna ask if we can kiss?"
Ryan rather quickly sat back down and gripped the sheets underneath him from being so tense.
"What!? I- well I was just... I wouldn't be opposed to kissing you."
Min took Ryan's hands in his own and made direct eye contact with him.
"How about this, we can officially start dating after you kiss me."
"...When can I kiss you?"
Min moved his whole body to face Ryan.
Min smiled, "right now if you want."
"Oh, oh my gosh okay!"
Ryan sat up straight and laid both his hands on Min's knees. He was obviously trying to come off as confident, but one look in his eyes told another story. Even though Min felt the same way, he was more than ready to live an experience he could only dream of.
"Okay, I'm gonna kiss you now..."
Ryan leaned in slowly. Both of their heart rates picked up when Min moved his lips closer to make the wait before the kiss shorter.
Then their lips were touching. There was not enough words to describe how they felt in the moment. Turns out when you repress what you want for years, getting that something will feel that much more rewarding.
Min could feel the hesitance in Ryan’s actions, but he quickly relaxed into the other man touch. He could tell Ryan calmed down because the hand that was resting on Min’s knee was laying flat instead of clinched into a fist. Min thought it was sweet and smiled while sliding his hand over Ryan’s hand.
It was a brief and magical moment.
Once they pulled away it was complete silence. While Min was admiring the man in front of him Ryan was still trying to process it all.
"Woah..."
"You're so cheesy Ryan," Min laughed.
"What, cheesy!? How am I the cheesy one when you're the one who wanted to kiss me in high school?"
Min laughed even harder, "You're just so nervous, and I thought I was the shy one."
"Ugh Min!" Ryan's cheeks puffed from anger. "Come here!"
Ryan pulled Min's face closer to his and started kissing him all over the side of his face.
"Ryan! Ryan no!" Min said in-between laughs, "This is only making you cheesier!"
Ryan held the sides of Min's cheeks and showed him a rough smile, "It's too late Min. I liked that kiss so much, I don't think I'll ever stop kissing you ever again!"
"Haha, noooo!"
—————————
After that night Ryan and Min-Gi began officially dating. This was beyond both of their wildest dreams, and it was a dream they did not mind living out. It would start out with the little things like Min using nicknames and Ryan giving his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek before each concert. They still had disagreements and ran into the occasional bump in the road, but then they would simply work though it. As much as they resented their time trapped on the train, it was what made them realize they were better together than apart. And instead of tucking their feelings away they can actually talk to each other about one another's problems.
So when they made the promise to stick together after they got off the train, they never really broke it. They made sure to stick together when a couple months later they were asked to play a show in New York City.
Ryan was the first to receive the news. He acted calm and collected when he got the intel, but his personality instantly shifted when he was back inside the van. Ryan called for Min as he sat with his legs dangling off the backside of the vehicle. Words were exchanged, then hugs, and finally some celebratory kisses.
They had no plans for after the New York show, they didn't even have plans for when they got to New York, but Min was okay with that. He trusted Ryan, and if he got them this far in their career, maybe going in instinct wasn't so bad after all. However, Ryan was still learning how to put together plans himself. When Ryan didn't know what to do, Min would always be there to fall back on and ask for help around unfamiliar places.
It was hard to adjust too, especially after being on a killer train for so long. But now they had each other, and with Min no longer scared of the paintings and Ryan finally getting to talk to his parents, they had a good feeling everything was gonna be alright.