Work Text:
Kenma was on his stomach on his bed, DS in his hands and his attention focused on the game. He kicked his feet absently, partially to feel the breeze, partially to deal with a tired restlessness that had overtaken him as the night had gotten later. He didn’t usually have this kind of pent-up energy.
Kuroo sat cross-legged on the floor beside him, with a college biology textbook open and some notes scattered around him. The air conditioner hummed from the ceiling and the buttons below Kenma’s thumbs clacked softly, but otherwise it was silent. Kenma hadn’t seen him in a little while, with Kuroo’s classes and Kenma’s practices, and he’d missed these kinds of evenings.
It was getting late and they’d have to go to bed soon, but focus and inertia were keeping them where they were for the moment. It was comfortable, the silence. This was Kenma’s favorite way to spend time with someone: quietly occupying the same space, close but not demanding. He was lucky that Kuroo seemed to enjoy it, too.
“Hey, Kenma?” Kuroo said suddenly, tilting his head back a little to look up. He was close enough that his hair tickled Kenma’s arm.
Kenma glanced over, then back at his game. “Hm?”
Kuroo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m in love with you.”
Kenma blinked, losing track of his game for a split second. He paused it and looked down at the top of Kuroo’s head. The moment stretched on. “Oh,” he said, because there was nothing else he could think to say.
“Just wanted to let you know,” Kuroo continued, sounding like he was smiling a little. “No pressure.”
Kenma was still taking a second to process. Kuroo said he was in love with him. Kenma didn’t know what he thought about that, in the few seconds he’d had so far to think. Did he feel pressure? What pressure would there be? The pressure to reciprocate? Kuroo had never pressured him into anything except setting to him and eating more after practice.
“Thank you for telling me,” he decided to say, knowing as he said it that he had more but wouldn’t voice it.
He watched Kuroo turn a page in the textbook, as though he’d said nothing at all. As though the silence of the room had never been broken.
The only difference was that Kenma could see his chest moving more quickly than it had before, breaths almost imperceptibly shorter and faster. Even while he played a game, he found that he always had some kind of awareness of Kuroo. Speaking of his game, he hadn’t unpaused it yet, fingers poised and ready but unmoving.
Kenma felt an itching in his arms, a sudden need to be touching Kuroo. It was hard to get himself to move, as he stared down at Kuroo’s head and shoulders and just wanted. He had to put his game down first. That was step one, and he managed to complete it, his DS hitting the bedspread, still paused. Next he had to maneuver himself a little. Kuroo must have heard him because he looked back, not enough to actually see Kenma, but just to show that he was paying attention.
Kenma reached out and, after a split second’s hesitation, set his arms on Kuroo’s shoulders and wrapped them around his chest. Kuroo stiffened for a moment and then relaxed back down to a neutral position. Kenma felt Kuroo’s hand come up to touch one of Kenma’s arms lightly.
Kenma’s head came to rest on Kuroo’s shoulder, and along with the relief he felt from the itch there was a weird bubbling in his chest. Almost like anxiety. He pushed it down and focused on the solid warmth of Kuroo’s body, the faint smell of detergent and deodorant.
“Hey, Ken,” Kuroo said quietly.
“What are you working on?” Kenma asked, slightly muffled by Kuroo’s shoulder. Kuroo huffed out a laugh.
“Ribosomes,” he answered.
“Fun.”
They stayed like that for another minute, and Kenma found that despite the fact that he was only partially on the bed he was comfortable and warm.
“Is this you telling me it’s time to go to bed?” Kuroo asked.
Kenma shrugged as best he could in his current position. “Maybe.”
“I have one more paragraph to read,” Kuroo said. “Then bed, I promise, Mister Koala.”
Kenma hummed, not moving. Kuroo looked back down at his textbook. In the stillness Kenma could feel Kuroo’s breaths and, he realized after a moment, his heartbeat. Despite Kuroo’s relaxed tone, his heart was beating fast and hard, and Kenma felt each thump under his hands.
“Are you okay?” he asked. He had to tilt his head to the side to speak, coincidentally right into Kuroo’s neck, and Kuroo laughed in surprise.
That laugh turned into another one that sounded different, not as bright. “I’ll be fine.”
Kenma didn’t like that, but he had no idea what to do about it. Kuroo was rarely in a funk, but when he was it brought Kenma down too. His brain immediately went into fix-it mode, trying to think of things that could make Kuroo happy again. Sometimes the answer was a hug, or bringing him a drink without him asking, or inviting him over. Sometimes, Kenma found, the answer was “time,” which was the least helpful of the bunch. He didn’t know what the answer to this one was.
He looked down at Kuroo’s hands, one loosely holding a pencil to a notebook and the other on the page of his textbook, waiting to turn it. Kenma heard it again in his mind: I’m in love with you. He wasn’t sure he’d entirely processed the meaning of that, yet. Did it change anything? It was supposed to, wasn’t it?
Kenma supposed it made him feel a little special. Then again, Kuroo always went out of his way to make Kenma feel like that, so maybe he was just used to it. He smiled without realizing it, and the bubbly feeling was back. It wasn’t necessarily good or bad, but it poked at his insides and made his breaths feel tight and heavy.
“You’d better not fall asleep there,” Kuroo said. His heart was starting to slow down. Kenma made a small mm and didn’t move. “You really are a little kitten.”
Kenma always liked it when Kuroo called him that, even though he was obligated by the laws of interpersonal communication to act like he didn’t. Instead of expressing either, he just said “meow” into Kuroo’s shoulder.
Kuroo laughed again and Kenma could feel the vibrations. Kuroo closed his book and set it to the side, putting his notebook and pen on top of it. He grabbed Kenma’s forearms and said, “Alright, hold on,” and then he stood carefully, picking up Kenma onto his back along with him. Kenma felt his stomach drop for a second and his legs came up to wrap around Kuroo’s waist automatically.
“Hey!” Kenma managed to get out, halfway up.
Kuroo grunted with the effort, but once he was standing he looped his hands under Kenma’s thighs and hoisted him up. “Thank god I didn’t skip leg day,” he said.
Kenma had a passing thought about how strong Kuroo must be to pick the both of them up like that. He quickly filed the thought away when he felt the tips of his ears getting warm. Kuroo carried him to the door and managed to nudge it open with his foot. He brought Kenma all the way to the bathroom down the hall.
“I can walk,” Kenma protested. Kuroo snorted.
“I know.”
I’m in love with you, Kenma heard Kuroo’s voice say in his head.
Kuroo let Kenma use the bathroom first, and when Kenma was all done, teeth brushed and face washed, he went back to his room to change into pajamas. He realized that his DS was still on and waiting, so he saved the game and moved it to his bedside table.
While he was waiting for Kuroo, he laid down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He used to have a bunk bed, finally put in by his parents when they realized that Kuroo was going to spend the night more often than not. The past few times that Kuroo had slept over, he’d managed to fall asleep early on Kenma’s bed, and Kenma didn’t have the heart or strength to move him to the futon on the floor.
Now, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do.
Kuroo returned and changed into a t-shirt, Kenma watching him from the bed. He saw Kuroo in many states of undress almost every day, so it wasn’t anything special, but he still looked on absently. Kuroo was strong and it showed on his body. His muscle was lean but his frame was much bigger than Kenma’s, with wide shoulders and a comparatively narrower waist. He had a bit of hair on his chest and lower stomach and Kenma found himself staring.
“Like what you see?” Kuroo asked, voice jokingly leering but face a bit more neutral, like he couldn’t quite muster up the energy to complete the look.
Kenma rolled over with a hmph and Kuroo laughed. Kenma heard some more rustling of clothing and when he peeked back around Kuroo was in a new shirt and his boxer-briefs. He was starting to pull the futon from where it was folded at the foot of the bed.
Kenma felt another sudden itch. He watched for just a second and then, without thinking, said, “Do you want to sleep here?”
Kuroo froze, futon half-unfolded. His eyes met Kenma’s and he seemed to be thinking very hard. He swallowed and opened his mouth. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?” Kenma figured he was in this now, so he might as well continue.
I’m in love with you echoed in Kenma’s mind.
“It’s just...you know. Like I said, no pressure.”
“You aren’t pressuring me,” Kenma said. “I’m pressuring you.”
Kuroo smiled despite himself and looked back down, smile fading a little. “It’s kind of hard, Ken.”
Kenma knew, and he also knew that his chest was bubbling again as he scooched over to the wall to leave Kuroo a space. His bed wasn’t very big, but he knew from experience that it was big enough for the both of them. Kuroo stared at the space.
“Do you want to?” Kenma asked. He didn’t know why he wanted Kuroo to sleep next to him so much, but every time he thought about it the bubbles filled his lungs. Maybe this happened every time they slept like that, but Kenma just hadn’t noticed it before. It suddenly seemed like he was hyper-aware of everything Kuroo was doing.
Kuroo took a long moment to answer. “Yeah,” he said finally.
“I want you to,” Kenma said.
“But you know why I want to,” Kuroo said, like he was trying to make some kind of argument.
Kenma took a deep breath, making himself keep steady with Kuroo’s gaze, even though he wanted to look away. Bubbles. “I do.”
Kuroo looked at him a bit helplessly. Then he seemed to come to some decision, closing his eyes and sighing. “Okay.”
I’m in love with you.
Kuroo had been Kenma’s best friend for as long as he bothered to remember. There were very few days they’d spent out of each other’s company. Even after all this time, seeing Kuroo still made Kenma warm. He felt safe when Kuroo was around, like he could do more, like he could talk more, like he could be himself more.
Kenma didn’t have a lot of other friendships to compare it with. The rest of the volleyball team were good as teammates, but he didn’t know if he’d call them his friends. They didn’t really hang out outside of volleyball. Maybe Shouyou, who still texted him almost every day with lots of exclamation points.
He smiled when Shouyou texted him, but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t feel that warmth that spread all the way down to his toes, the special, restless feeling that made him want to get up and follow Kuroo anywhere.
Kuroo crossed the room and paused before crawling into bed next to Kenma. His movements seemed a little stiff, but once he was in bed he didn’t seem to be trying to avoid touching Kenma or anything. Given the size of the bed, a little contact was inevitable. Kenma was suddenly unsure whether or not it was okay for him to cuddle up to Kuroo, something he usually did half for warmth and half for the thrill of the contact.
“Lights out?” Kuroo asked, reaching for the lamp. Kenma nodded silently, and Kuroo turned the light out with a small click . Kenma’s night light shone from the wall across the room, giving him just enough to see the edges of Kuroo’s face, staring up at the ceiling.
“If you really don’t want to, we can get the futon,” Kenma said, voice quieter than he expected it to be.
Kuroo rolled onto his side and looked at Kenma, eyes searching but soft. “That’s not the problem,” he said.
But there was a problem. Kenma frowned. Kuroo must have seen it because he smiled lightly.
“You don’t have to worry about it,” he said.
“I’m going to.”
“Then stop.”
Kenma wrinkled his nose. “Make me.”
Kuroo squeezed his eyes shut. “The stuff you say sometimes.”
Kenma didn’t know what to do or say that would make things normal. They were so close to being that way, but his mind was running in a way it didn’t usually do and Kuroo’s smiles weren’t quite reaching his eyes and he needed that warmth back.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
Kuroo seemed for a second as though he was going to say “nothing,” but then he shook his head. “I told you I’m in love with you and you said ‘thanks for telling me.’” He smiled self-deprecatingly. “It’s not...I didn’t expect...I know you.”
He didn’t say it in a mean way, and Kenma knew what he meant. Kenma wasn’t good with emotions, expressing them or understanding them, and he had a hard time figuring out what he was feeling all the time. He knew when he was feeling something, but determining what feeling it was was sometimes impossible. They both knew this, Kuroo perhaps even better than Kenma.
“I don’t know what I feel,” Kenma said. Kuroo’s gaze softened.
“I don’t know if this is one I can help you out with, kitten.”
When you were in love with someone, what did you want to do? Kiss them? Kenma looked down to Kuroo’s mouth, wondering at it for a moment. He imagined moving in, their lips touching, Kuroo’s hand coming up to cradle the back of his head. Kuroo being right there, so close. The bubbles in his chest expanded and he took in a tense breath.
“You’re gonna give a guy the wrong idea,” Kuroo said weakly.
Kenma realized that he’d been staring again, and his eyes flicked back up to Kuroo’s. He wanted to turn around and have Kuroo wrap around his back and hold him close, and he wanted to stay like this, facing each other, so he could see Kuroo’s face.
“How do you know?” Kenma asked before he could stop himself. “That you’re in love with me.”
“Fishing for compliments?” Kuroo asked, trying to get some of his glibness back.
“You know I don’t care about that.”
“I know.” Kuroo seemed to mull over the question for a second, face becoming serious again. Kenma wanted to shift closer to him, to feel the warmth coming off of his chest. “I guess...it’s one of those things that’s hard to explain, you know? It feels good just to see you. I want to touch you all the time, Ken, you have no idea. Whenever you look at me or say my name my heart goes crazy. I want you to be happy, I want to spend my time making you happy.” He looked a little embarrassed.
Kenma nodded as though he’d been given a piece of valuable new information. He felt as though he had. It feels good to see you. The way Kenma felt warm whenever he saw Kuroo. I want to touch you all the time. He wanted to touch Kuroo right now. My heart goes crazy. Kenma didn’t know what his own heart was doing, so that one was up in the air. I want you to be happy. The time he spent trying to cheer Kuroo up whenever he was down, the way he didn’t mind spending that time.
I’m in love with you.
Was he in love with Kuroo but just hadn’t ever noticed it? He wasn’t sure he’d ever noticed himself liking anyone that way, but that was partially because the way he felt about other people had never held a candle to the way he felt around Kuroo. That had to mean something. It felt frustratingly like a math problem instead of one of those intangible feelings, like how everyone described it. He knew that he felt something strong and putting it into words was impossibly hard.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” Kuroo said fondly. “Thinking too hard.”
“If I was in love with you too, what would you do?” Kenma asked.
Kuroo’s face immediately sobered. “What?”
“If I was in love with you. What would you...what would that mean? What would you do?”
Kuroo searched Kenma’s face, taking a deep, stuttering breath. “What would I do?”
Kenma nodded. The look on Kuroo’s face was intense. Kenma found the bubbles in his chest popping and reforming, making him want to shake out his arms and legs to release the feeling.
“Ken,” Kuroo said slowly. “You have to tell me if I’m...if I’m interpreting this wrong, okay? You have to.”
Kenma had no idea how Kuroo was interpreting it, or what there was to interpret, but he nodded again.
“Do you…” Kuroo started again. The look in his eyes sharpened and it was almost hard to look at. “Kitten, do you want me to tell you? What I would do?”
Kenma sucked in a breath. He wasn’t very good at understanding people, most of the time, but Kuroo he always got. He thought he understood now, and immediately his heart rate jumped. He realized that for all that he’d wanted to be closer to Kuroo, they were already very close.
He opened his mouth and said, very quietly, “Or show me?”
Kuroo’s eyes widened, and the look he was giving Kenma was now intense in a new way, fond and warm and something else Kenma couldn’t quite place.
“Well,” Kuroo said, voice a little shaky. “If you were in love with me, and we were sleeping in the same bed, I’d…” He shifted forward, paused a moment, and tucked a lock of hair behind Kenma’s ear. Then he pulled Kenma in gently, their knees brushing.
“Is this okay?” Kuroo asked.
“Yeah,” Kenma said.
“And then, I’d probably…” Kuroo pressed a kiss to the top of Kenma’s head. Kenma swallowed and looked up at Kuroo, realizing that he was so close he couldn’t even see Kuroo’s whole face. He also realized that Kuroo was looking down at him, just as close.
Kuroo’s hand slid up from where he’d pulled Kenma in and came to cradle his jaw, thumb swiping gently over Kenma’s cheek. Kenma shivered.
“Then,” Kuroo said, voice very soft, “if you were in love with me…”
He ducked his head down a little more, and Kenma was having a hard time focusing on his face because it was so close. He could feel Kuroo’s body, warm and solid, in front of him, Kuroo’s hand just as warm on his face, the speed of his own heartbeat--or was that Kuroo’s?--pounding in his chest. He knew what was coming, and the restless energy was almost too much to bear. He tilted his head up a little and their noses brushed past each other.
Kuroo didn’t immediately close the distance, giving them a moment right there. “Ken,” Kuroo murmured, just on the edge of a whisper. Kenma could feel his breath. “Please say something if you don’t want this.”
Kenma did want it, he found. His feelings were so hard to parse sometimes but now he knew, with absolute certainty, what he was feeling and what he wanted. He nodded almost imperceptibly, but he knew Kuroo could probably feel it. Then he licked his lips unconsciously and stretched up just enough to close the distance between them.
Kuroo sucked in a breath through his nose as their lips touched. There was a moment of stillness as they both adjusted to the feeling. Then Kenma felt Kuroo’s mouth moving experimentally, just a little, and he found himself following, chasing that feeling. His heart was going wild.
It felt good, and right, like Kuroo’s hugs and his smile and the way he said Kenma’s name when they were alone. Just another piece of the puzzle settling into place, a checkmark in a box that Kenma hadn’t even known was always there. His own hand came up to Kuroo’s face slowly.
Kenma had kissed exactly one person, and it had been a quick peck. He’d felt nothing about it and had continued on with his life as though it had never happened. This was different. He felt his body taking the reins, understanding what to do, as Kuroo lifted himself up on one elbow and Kenma rolled onto his back, still connected at the mouth.
After a moment Kuroo broke the kiss but stayed right there, a hair’s breadth away. “Then,” he said, voice rough. “I’d say I love you.”
Kenma nodded and pulled Kuroo back in for another kiss. Kuroo’s fingers slid through Kenma’s hair and cradled the back of his head, and Kenma hummed softly into the kiss. Their lips moved against each other and Kenma found that he didn’t want this to end, he didn’t want to break away, he didn’t need any more breath. He wanted Kuroo to be as close as possible, even closer than he was now, which was almost impossible.
“Kuro,” he said, when they finally slowed, his breathing erratic and Kuroo’s own breaths hot on his cheek. “I think...I think I might be…”
Kuroo quieted him with a kiss. “No pressure, remember?”
“Shut up,” Kenma said, with no heat. “I think I might be in love with you, too.”
Kuroo huffed out a laugh and Kenma felt it. Kuroo pulled back a little so he could get a look at Kenma’s face, and even in the low light Kenma could tell that his lips were especially red. “After that, I...I really hoped so, kitten.” His thumb ran absently across the space just under Kenma’s ear. “I’d have a pretty rough night otherwise.”
“I don’t know how it could happen and I just...didn’t realize it at all,” Kenma said, furrowing his brow. Kuroo lifted his hand away from Kenma’s neck and poked at the spot between Kenma’s eyebrows, like he did on any normal day when Kenma looked too deep in thought.
“You’re always like that,” Kuroo said. “Not in a bad way.”
“It feels like something I’d figure out.”
“Well, you did,” Kuroo said. He suddenly stopped, as though he himself were realizing something, and then his smile grew wide. He ducked down and pulled Kenma into a hug, giggling. “I can’t believe that shit worked out. I’ve been thinking about saying it for months.”
“Months?” How long had Kuroo felt like this and said nothing? Kenma could barely keep the bubbles inside himself at the moment and he’d only just realized what they meant.
“Well, I’ve been thinking of telling you for months.” Kuroo smiled self-consciously as he released Kenma from the hug. “I’ve probably been in love with you since we met.”
“I doubt that,” Kenma said, his skin feeling hot.
“Maybe day two.”
“Stop it,” Kenma said, smiling and nudging Kuroo’s shoulder.
“I love it when you smile.”
The bubble that was Kenma’s heart swelled until it was about to burst and Kenma had no idea where to put the energy so he just pulled Kuroo back down into another kiss. Kuroo made a little surprised noise against his mouth but enthusiastically returned it, pressing Kenma into the bed. Kenma found that he liked that too, Kuroo hovering over him, keeping him safe and contained, holding him.
“You’re so sappy,” he accused.
“Guilty as charged.”
Kenma gazed up at Kuroo, and underneath his giddy energy he felt a deep tiredness. It was late, and he’d just had more emotions in the span of ten minutes than he usually had in a week. He gave Kuroo a little peck and asked: “Do you mind being big spoon?”
Kuroo laughed incredulously. “Do I mind? Kenma, I will be whatever spoon you want me to be. I will cuddle you literally forever if you want.”
“Until we die of dehydration.”
“Until we die of dehydration,” Kuroo agreed.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“Mm,” Kuroo hummed. “But you’re in love with me.”
“Somehow.”
Kuroo gestured with his chin. “Roll over already.”
Kenma rolled his eyes instead, but followed up with his body. Kuroo fit behind him so neatly, and he felt a strong arm come up to hold him in place. Kuroo was so warm, and Kenma could feel his breath on the back of his neck.
“Seatbelt style,” Kuroo said, reaching up to grab Kenma’s bottom shoulder. Kenma snorted.
“An advanced technique.”
“Only the best for my kitten.”
Kenma decided that he really liked it when Kuroo called him that, but he didn’t say anything. He just nestled in, closing his eyes and feeling Kuroo’s body next to his, wondering at how the most normal of evenings could go entirely differently from how he expected. He wasn’t sure he could take another surprise tomorrow, even if it turned out like this one.
“How much can I say it?” Kuroo asked. Kenma made a hm noise. “That I love you. You know, before it starts getting old.”
“As much as you want,” Kenma said, suddenly embarrassed. Why his brain picked this to be embarrassed about, given the events of the past few minutes, he didn’t know.
“Okay,” Kuroo said. “I’ll make you so embarrassed.”
“I already am,” Kenma muttered.
“Good.”
Kenma smiled and shook his head a little. He settled in and felt himself relaxing. Kuroo made a small noise behind him.
“Hey Kenma?” he said. Kenma grunted. “I’m in love with you.”
Kenma sighed.