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It starts when Owen plops down next to him in the university library and says, “I need your help.”
“If it’s about the trig assignment—” Noah begins, but Owen shakes his head.
“No, it’s… uh… Justin.”
“Justin?” Noah makes a face. “The obnoxious hot guy that always stands out on the quad doing nothing? That Justin?”
“What other Justin?” Owen asks dreamily.
Noah groans. “Why do you need my help, and what does he have to do with anything?”
“Well… I kinda… maybe… want to ask him out?”
“…And you’re asking for my help because…?”
“Noah,” Owen says, “you’re dating Alejandro.”
“Don’t you remember how we got together?”
Owen giggles a little bit, before sobering. “I know, but c’mon, Noah, please! I’d love any advice! Any!”
“Ugh, I don’t know,” Noah says. “He does modeling stuff, just ask him to help you with your wardrobe and it’ll turn into a date or something. And if that fails, never ask me for advice again.”
“Thanks, buddy!”
***
Three days later, Owen bursts into their dorm room— giving Noah, who had been reading on the bed, a heart attack in the process— and shouts, “He kissed me!”
“What?” Noah asks, picking himself up from the floor.
“He kissed me,” Owen repeats. The jacket he sports is new, and surprisingly flattering. “I did what you said and Justin and I ended up hanging out all day! And then after dinner he kissed me!”
Noah blinks. “Huh. Congrats, then. Nice going.”
“I couldn’t have done it without your advice,” Owen says. “You’re good at that stuff.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
***
Ironically, Owen is on another date when somebody else barges into Noah’s dorm room. By the time Noah is done grumbling, Izzy has replaced the window screen, and is clambering onto Owen’s bed.
“Hi Noah! Funny running into you here!”
“This is my room,” Noah says, setting aside his homework and making a note to email the school about security. Not that it would matter when it comes to Izzy. “You do realize our game night doesn’t start for seven hours, right?”
“I know, silly! I just want your thoughts on something— I heard about you helping Owen out. Think you could do the same for me?”
Noah raises an eyebrow. “I guess… what’s the issue?”
“Well, Eva is really—”
“Say no more. She’s into you too.”
Izzy perks up immediately. “Really?”
“Yeah. She’s terrible at hiding it— from me, at least.”
“Well, how come she hasn’t said anything?”
“For someone so intimidating, she’s actually easily scared when it comes to showing emotions. That aren’t anger, that is,” Noah says, though he feels a bit bad. He knows Eva has really been trying to curb her anger issues. “Look, after the game night, just walk her back to her residence hall and tell her you like her. She’ll reciprocate, trust me.”
Izzy bounds over to hug him. “Aw, thanks Noah!”
***
It’s nearly one in the morning when Noah’s phone rings. “What the—”
He quickly silences it, glancing over at Owen’s bed. The boy is still fast asleep. Seeing that Izzy is calling, Noah answers, turning the volume down.
“Izzy, what on Earth—”
“It worked!”
“What?”
“I walked Eva back to her hall and on the way this guy tried to mug us—”
“Wait, what?! Are you guys okay?”
Izzy cackles. “Noah, have you met us?”
“Okay, fair point, so what…?”
“We beat the shit out of him together! It was so romantic. And once he passed out, I kissed Eva, and she was totally into it!”
“With how much pining I’ve had to put up with, she’d better have been into it,” Noah grumbles. “Good for you guys. You did call the police on the mugger, though, right?
“Oh yeah… we probably should’ve done that.”
Noah sighs. “Goodnight, Izzy.”
***
“There you are!”
In the entry to the communal bathrooms, Noah holds up his shower caddy. “I’m kind of here to—”
“This won’t take too long,” Cody promises, hopping up to sit on the counter. “Look, Justin told the rest of The Drama Brothers about how you got him and Owen together—”
“Unintentionally, I assure you,” Noah mutters.
“—and while the Code-meister is usually a hit with the ladies—”
“If by ladies, you mean Sierra.”
“—this time I could use some help,” Cody says, not hearing Noah’s quips. “You know Trent?”
“Considering he’s a part of your band which loves to practice in the courtyard right outside the library, yes, I do know him.”
“Well I maybe, sort of, kinda have a crush on him and want to tell him how I feel… only I don’t know how. Any thoughts?”
Noah crosses his arms. The Drama Brothers’ rehearsals, while being the bane of his existence when studying, have allowed him to hear Trent singing about, “your aquamarine eyes” just about a million times. And considering Trent’s last girlfriend had black eyes, and the boy staring hopefully at Noah is currently doing so with blue eyes… well, Noah doesn’t think Cody has to worry much about Trent’s response.
“I’ll tell you what to do if you promise not to play any more songs in the courtyard,” Noah says. “Seriously, nobody in the library wants to hear that.”
Cody nods enthusiastically. “Deal! So, what’s the plan?”
“You’re literally in a band together. Write him a song.”
“Good idea! I totally should’ve thought of that!”
“Yeah, you should’ve,” Noah says, walking to the showers. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really need to wash off this nose milk.”
“Nose milk?”
“Don’t ever make Owen laugh when he eats peppers.”
Cody stares at him for a moment. “You know what? I don’t want to know.”
***
Noah is twenty minutes into a finally peaceful study session when he gets a text from someone that reads: he liked it!!!!!!
Mildly intrigued, Noah clicks on the attachment sent along with it. A video of Cody singing at a piano begins to play.
“You never laugh when I act like a clown,
You’re always there when I feel down,
I’ve known this for so long, and I—”
“Will you shut that off?” someone snaps.
Noah quickly exits the video and looks up to see Courtney sitting at the library table next to him, books, papers, and notepads piled around her.
“Seriously,” she continues, “don’t bring that in here when they just stopped playing right outside!”
“You’re welcome for that,” Noah mumbles, turning back to his laptop.
***
“Hey! String bean!”
Having just finished a very, very tedious exam, Noah isn’t exactly thrilled when some strange girl in grey sweats jogs up to him with a determined glint in her eyes. “You talking to me?”
“Who else?” the girl snorts. “You’re Noah, right? I’m Jo. Gym buddy of Eva’s.”
“Of course you are,” Noah mutters. “If you’re trying to get me to work out, save it. I already told Eva—”
“That’s not why I’m here.”
“Then why—?”
“You helped Eva get with her new girlfriend, right? Ginger Snap?”
Though he has a sinking feeling he knows where this conversation is going, Noah can’t help but snort a bit at the moniker. “Might be more accurate to say I helped Izzy get with Eva, but whatever. Let me guess, you’re looking for relationship advice?”
“You’ve got it, Book Brain.”
“Well, tough luck. I don’t know anything about you, and I don’t know anything about your potential boyfriend either.”
“No kidding,” Jo says. “Frankly, I’m offended you think it’s a boyfriend I’m looking for.”
“Well, look, this conversation has been fascinating, but I really just want to pass out, so—”
“Hear me out first. There’s this girl in my English class, right? Anne Maria. I’ve seen her at the gym a few times, girl is fierce, even if she does look like a Latina Barbie. I’d ask her out, but these lame guys are always hanging around her—”
“So beat them up. If she’s fierce, she’ll probably be into that,” Noah says, trying to lose her in the busy hallway.
“Great thinking! Those punks won’t know what hit ‘em!”
Noah sighs, squeezing by a trash can in his attempt to leave the building. He would have to ask Eva not to send her weird workout buddies after him. And hope that what worked for Izzy and Eva would work for Jo.
“If you fuck things up, don’t blame it on me!” Noah shouts into the hallway. Of course, Jo is nowhere to be seen, so he gets a lot of weird looks. “Ugh, whatever.”
***
Two days later, he gets a call from Eva.
“Do you have something to do with Jo challenging a skinny Italian guy to a push-up contest and then making out with this girl who puts on mascara to do squats?”
“Probably,” Noah says. “Don’t send any more gym friends my way.”
***
“Thanks for doing this for me,” Gwen says, leading Noah over to an empty stool. “Leshawna was busy, and Zoey has a hard time sitting still.”
Noah just shrugs. “I’m just sitting there and reading.”
“Yeah, but I could really use the practice… not to mention this is worth twenty percent of my grade.”
“No pressure, then,” Noah says dryly as he sits. “This position good?”
“Just rotate a little to your left… yeah, perfect.”
For the first five minutes, Gwen sketches, Noah reads, and the two pass the time in peaceful silence. But then—
“When I cry— when I cry—
My eyes wet!
When I cry— when I cry—”
“Are you kidding me?” Gwen huffs, setting down her pencil. “I told Trent to knock it off!”
“Knock what off?”
“Having band practice right outside the art building,” Gwen grumbles. “They haven’t done it in a while, but…”
“My bad,” Noah says.
Gwen raises an eyebrow. “How did you…?”
“Long story short, I gave Cody some relationship advice to get The Drama Brothers to stop rehearsing in the library courtyard.”
“Wait, seriously? You’re the reason Cody and Trent got together?”
“I guess you could say that.”
Gwen shakes her head. “Damn. I’ve been trying to get them to confess to each other for months. They both clearly liked each other… but nooo, they just had to keep dancing around it… well, whatever. Glad you sorted that out.”
“I didn’t do much,” Noah admits. “But I do have a class in an hour, so you might want to keep…”
“Right, right,” Gwen says, picking her pencil back up.
It’s another silent five minutes before she very hesitantly asks, “Do you think… you could help me with something like that?”
“Oh, what the hell, sure,” Noah agrees, because he’s not going anywhere for a while. “Shoot.”
“So, I want to ask Courtney out, but—”
“Courtney? Seriously? You’ve really got a thing for musical preps, you know that?”
Gwen groans. “Don’t remind me.”
“Yeah, yeah. What’s the issue?”
“She’s been so busy trying to get elected as President of the Student Union, I barely ever see her anymore,” Gwen sighs. “I feel like we’re drifting apart before I even have the chance to get closer to her… oh, ew, that sounds so corny… and unfortunately true.”
Noah shrugs, resting his chin in his hand. “Can’t you just ask to be her campaign manager or something?”
“Oh, yeah,” Gwen says, a grin spreading across her face. “That could work— hey, back in position!”
“Right, sorry.”
***
Noah is rushing to his morning class, late thanks to a broken alarm clock, when someone steps in front of him. “Hey, are you voting in the Student Union elections?”
“No, I hate democracy,” Noah says, trying to get around them.
“Really? You won’t even vote for my girlfriend?”
Something clicks in Noah’s sleep-addled brain. “Wait, already?”
“Yeah,” Gwen says, still brandishing a flyer. “It was funny, all I had to do was ask if she needed help with the campaign, and then she kissed me!”
“Wow, fast turnaround,” Noah says, scooting past her. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late.”
“But you’ll vote for her, right?”
“Whatever!” Noah calls, because he won’t be voting for Courtney. His boyfriend is in the running, after all.
***
“How do I ask DJ out?”
From where he’s pinning Alejandro’s campaign poster onto the bulletin board, Noah doesn’t turn around. “Either you people need to start a support group, or I need to start charging for this.”
“I’m serious,” the guy behind him says. “You give me tips, or I punch your lights out.”
Noah turns around. “A terrifying threat, especially considering I can always just sic Eva on you.”
The expression on Duncan’s face is gratifying for a brief moment, then it morphs into a scowl.
“Look, normally I wouldn’t go to you for any kind of advice, but my friends told me about you setting them up with some girls, so here I am.”
“…Which friends?”
“Gwen. And Jo. Completely separate from each other, I might add.”
Noah sighs. He still has five more posters to put up, and while he normally wouldn’t be eager to get back to work, he’s doing this for his boyfriend. Whose eyes he can’t say no to. And who also promised him lots of kisses as soon as he was done, and Noah likes kissing Alejandro a lot more than he hates looking sappy. Or doing work.
Turning back to the bulletin board, Noah scans the array of flyers, before tearing one off and shoving it at Duncan’s chest. “Here.”
“What—?”
“Missing pet poster. You find DJ’s bunny, he’s grateful, you ask him out. Problem solved.”
Duncan studies the flyer. “Yeah… this could work.”
“No need to say thanks— just vote for Alejandro, will you?”
“Sure, whatever,” Duncan says, wandering away. “I should probably get some carrots…”
Noah trudges out of the Student Center, picking up his stack of posters, each printed with Alejandro’s stupidly handsome face.
“You owe me so many kisses,” he mutters to the posters.
***
Tying on his apron for his cooking class, Noah hears Bridgette cry, “DJ, that’s great!”
“Wicked!” Geoff agrees. “You got the boy and the bunny!”
Noah finishes off his last knot before hurrying to the back of the classroom. He does not need any of them asking him for relationship advice.
***
Noah ends up working alongside Katie for the majority of class. While she’s obnoxiously bubbly, she’s easy enough to deal with.
That is, until she turns to him and says, “So I heard from Anne Maria—”
“Just ask Sadie out,” Noah interrupts. “She sits next to me in trig and is constantly writing your name and putting hearts around it. Trust me, she feels the same way.”
Katie’s jaw drops. “How did you—”
“Your crepes are burning.”
***
At the beginning of their next class, Katie ends up sitting by Noah again.
“They’re for Sadie,” she says, when he raises his eyebrows at her heart-shaped cookies.
“Told you so.”
***
Noah isn’t quite sure why he decided to accompany Owen— a flower arranging club is weird, even for a university— but the big guy seems to be enjoying himself amongst the flora.
“Noah, look! I made a smiley face in the bouquet.”
“Oh, yes, real artistic,” Noah snarks, before someone taps him on the shoulder. “Yeah?”
“Pardon me for eavesdropping,” says the tall— holy shit, she’s really tall— girl next to him in a thick Australian accent. “But is your name Noah?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“I’m Jasmine,” she says. “This is a weird question, but are you the same Noah that got Duncan and DJ together over that lost bunny?”
“Something like that. How’d you know?”
“Bridgette— she’s in my anthropology class— told me,” Jasmine explains. “And she said something else about you helping that friend of hers who’s running for the Student Union— Candace?”
“Courtney.”
“Right, her. Sorry for the weird tangent, but you seem to have a good head for relationships, and I’ve been struggling with something… you don’t have to help, but—”
“Go for it,” Noah says. “It’s either that or watch Owen fail to be sophisticated.”
“Ah, really? Thanks, mate.”
“So what’s the issue?”
“I like someone,” Jasmine says, fidgeting with a rose. “Two someones, actually, and I think they both like me back. Therein lies the problem. And it’s so hard to choose between them, because they’re both so different. I mean, Sammy is this adorably sweet cheerleader with an incredible ruthless streak, and Shawn is this zombie-obsessed survivalist guy who’s hot, in a scruffy way. How am I supposed to ask only one of them out?”
“You don’t have to.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ask both of them out. At the same time, and date both of them, if they’re cool with it. Polyamory is a thing.”
Jasmine stares at him. “Hey, yeah… good thinking! I’d never even considered that.”
“Always glad to help.”
“I’ll make bouquets for them, right now,” Jasmine decides. “You know, that really is a brilliant solution. I mean, neither of them are the jealous type. They’re friends, too. Yeah, Noah, that really could work.”
“Cool,” Noah says, pointing at the rose she’s caressing. “You might want to put that down before—”
“Ow! Thorn!”
“…that happens.”
***
“We missed you at the last meeting,” Owen says, flopping down on his bed.
Noah waves a box of tissues at him. “Uh, do you remember how bad my allergies got last time?”
“Wasn’t trying to guilt you,” Owen says, leaning over and rummaging through his dresser. “Oh! That Australian girl— Jasmine— said to tell you something about fallen emery working. I think. Her accent is kinda hard for me to understand.”
“…Did she say ‘polyamory’?”
“Yeah, that would make sense. Especially since she brought her girlfriend and boyfriend to the club this time.” Owen shakes his head. “Weird little trio. But hey, they seem happy.”
“Well that’s— achoo!” Noah grabs a tissue and blows his nose. “You didn’t happen to bring any of those flowers back with you, did you?”
Owen grins sheepishly at him. “Well…”
“Take it out!”
“I wanted to give it to Justin!”
“Then give it to him now!”
“But—”
“Go!”
***
Noah is not getting anywhere on this project. Mostly because he’s been partnered with Heather, who is stopping every two minutes to shoot daggers across the room at Leshawna.
“Okay, what is your issue?” Noah finally says, after Heather glares for the entire time it takes Leshawna to reapply her lip gloss. “Because Leshawna hasn’t said one word to you all class.”
Heather keeps scowling. “She’s hot. It’s not fair.”
“Since when are you jealous of Leshawna’s looks?”
“I’m not jealous,” Heather snaps. “Don’t act like you don’t know what’s going on. I told Alejandro, so I’m sure he told you all about my godawful crush on her.
Noah raises his eyebrows. “No… he did not tell me. But you just did.”
“Fuck.”
“Weirdly enough, I can’t say I’m that surprised. You two have always had a weird obsession with each other.”
“Oh, shut up,” Heather mutters. “What should I do?”
“Can’t really tell you what to do and shut up at the same time, can I?”
“You’re so annoying.”
“Then why are you asking me for advice?”
“Because you’re supposed to be good at it! That’s what Courtney said. And Trent. And Jasmine. And—”
“Okay, fine,” Noah groans. “Literally just make out with her mid-argument. Worked for me and Alejandro.”
“Wait what?”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“No…” Heather says. “…I’m beginning to realize he was very vague when explaining how you two ended up dating.”
“We were working on a project together and were arguing about a metaphor for some reading… I think it was Edgar Allan Poe? Don’t remember. But we just kept getting more and more heated about it, and then it turned kind of personal, and he was driving me crazy, so I just kissed him to get him to shut up. And here we are now.”
“…That’s how you started dating?!”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Then why do people keep asking you for relationship advice?” Heather demands.
Noah sighs. “I have no fucking clue.”
***
Alejandro is stretched out on the floor of his dorm room— lucky bastard got a single— reading something on his phone. Cuddler at heart, Noah is lying on his lap, arms wrapped around his boyfriend’s waist.
“Heather is asking me for your number, mi amor,” Alejandro says. “Can I give it to her?”
“Sure,” Noah says, burrowing his head against Alejandro’s chest.
“There, I sent it.”
“What’s she want anyways?”
“You tell me,” Alejandro says, just as Noah’s phone dings.
After pulling it out and opening it, Noah snorts. “Okay, that’s it.”
“What?”
“I need to start charging for relationship advice.”
Alejandro raises an eyebrow. “Since when do you give relationship advice?”
“Blame Owen.”
“I always do,” Alejandro mutters, so Noah reaches over and tickles his side until he’s gasping. “Okay, okay, stop! What did Heather send?”
Noah shows him the picture, which is of Heather kissing Leshawna and flipping off the camera. it worked bitch, the text reads.
“You did not get those two together.”
“I did. Somehow.”
Alejandro shakes his head. “I can’t believe it… and I can’t believe I owe Harold twenty bucks now.”
“Sorry about that,” Noah snorts, sitting up. “Want me to kiss it better?”
“Well, if you’re offering…”