Chapter Text
Philadelphia 1996
Saturday 4:46 pm
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"Den! Open the door Dennis I know you're in there!"
Ronnie knew Dennis was alone in the house. Dee and her mother were at her physical therapy appointment. His dad was at work and all the maids had left for the day.
On the other side of the door, Dennis leaned against it.
He knew Ronnie had just found out about the fact that he had scored a prom date.
Dennis, Charlie, and Ronnie had all planned to go together as a group. They had even gotten matching ties for the occasion but this was no way for The Golden God to attend prom. So yesterday Dennis decided to ask one of the popular girls who had just gotten dumped by her cheating boyfriend if she would want to go to prom with him. She gratefully agreed. He knew she was desperate for a date and although he wouldn't admit it he was quite desperate too. He didn't want his classmates to remember him as the guy who went to prom with Dirtgrub and Ronnie the Rat. The nicknames they had used to ridicule Charlie and Ronnie.
Dennis slowly opened the door.
"Hey Ronnie," he said softly.
Ronnie's lack of etiquette fueled his actions as he pushed open the door despite not being invited in.
"Den! Why did Tim Murphy just tell me that you have a prom date?"
They stood in the huge foyer as Dennis struggled to answer the question.
"Well. He probably said that because I have a date, Ronnie,"
"Stop calling me Ronnie! You know I go by Mac now,"
Dennis knew this and instead of giving Ronnie shit for it like he usually did he said this,
"Sorry Mac,"
"What happened? I thought the Freight Train was going together,"
"You and Charlie can still go together. And I'm sure Schmidtty and Dooley don't have dates so one of them can take my spot,"
"I don't want Schmidtty or Dooley to take your spot,"
"Well I don't know what to tell you, Mac," he said cooly trying to control his emotions.
Dennis didn't want to hurt him.
They were best friends.
He couldn't tell Mac that he desperately wanted a date to prom because he wanted to make one last good impression on everyone. Mac had never cared what his peers thought about him. He couldn't afford to care.
Being the school snitch as well as a drug dealer didn't exactly put him at the top of the popularity chart. He had to sell drugs, not because he wanted to but because this was how he earned his father's approval. He also needed the money.
Dennis may have delusions of grandeur but he knew he wasn't actually the king of the halls or a God amongst men. He wanted, no he needed to leave high school with a good impression.
Mac would never understand this.
"Tell me you won't go with her," Mac begged.
"What? No, I can't ditch my prom date,"
"Oh but you can ditch me just fine!"
"What's your problem dude!"
"You're my problem dude!"
"Why?! Why are you so mad that I have a date?!"
"Becos'?!"
"Because what?!"
The volume in their voices rising making them glad the house was empty.
"Becos'! We all agreed we would go together!"
"So?! Things change! Get over it, Mac!"
"I! Can't!" yelled Mac at the top of his lungs.
His skin was turning rosy and the veins in Dennis' neck were popping out.
They took heavy breaths.
"Why not!! And don't say "because" that it is not a goddamned answer!" Dennis said at an even louder volume.
"Becos'!! We all agreed to go together!!"
"Goddamn it, Mac!"
"Do not use the Lord's name in vain!!"
"I'll do whatever the hell I want!!"
"Yeah do what you want!! That's all you ever do! You never think about anyone else but yourself! You're selfish Dennis! The most selfish person I know!!"
"I'm not selfish! You're just being an asshole over this!"
"I'm not the asshole! You're the asshole, you asshole! You said you would go with me!"
"Stop calling me an asshole!!" Dennis said pushing against Mac's chest but being unable to make him move.
"Don't push me asshole!!" he yelled while standing his ground even though Dennis' hands on his chest made him feel flustered.
"Why is so important that I go with you?!" Dennis yelled both their voices increasing in volume.
"Becos'!" Mac almost screamed.
"Because what?!"
Mac had never been good at controlling his emotions or his actions. He was impulsive and reckless and in moments like these where his emotions were running high and his anger boiling up, he couldn't help the words that came out of his mouth.
"Becos' Den! Becos' I think I like you! I think I love you! I wanted to go to prom with you!" he yelled so loud and so quickly that Dennis wasn't sure if he heard him right.
"What did you just say?" asked Dennis so softly he wasn't even sure if he said the words out loud.
Mac wasn't sure why he said this. It was true though. He had been smitten by Dennis ever since he first saw him four years ago. When the awkward upper-class kid came up to him asking for weed he couldn't believe he was even looking in his direction. He could tell Dennis had never smoked before just by the way he asked.
...
"Hey man, I heard you deal. I wanted to buy some weed," he said softly attempting to sound cool.
"Yeah, how much did you want?"
"Just. Just one?"
Mac suppressed his laughter. He had learned to not make fun of the preppy kids at school when they came asking for drugs. Embarrassing them was not a good way to make them into repeat customers so instead, he nodded taking out a dime from his backpack. He usually overcharged these types of kids getting away with doubling or even quadrupling the price from what was customary but he couldn't do that to Dennis. He almost wanted to give it to him for free.
"Thanks," Dennis said with a charming smile.
Mac nodded staring into the boy's dark blue eyes.
"Have you ever smoked before?" Mac asked.
"What? Of course, I have," Dennis stammered.
"Well. If you haven't. I could show you how to roll a joint,"
Dennis nodded without even realizing it. He had actually never smoked before. He wasn't sure what compelled him to try it but it wouldn't be the first self-destructive behavior he had engaged in during his fourteen years on earth.
He realized Ronnie the Rat may have some knowledge to impart to him. Dennis also realized he didn't to be alone during the first time he smoked.
"Come to my house after school," he blurted. "Maybe your rolling joint skills are better than mine,"
"Okay," Mac said his voice raising an octave "Yeah," he mumbled as he deepened his voice.
He had never been invited into another classmate's house other than Charlie's, and Schmidtty's places. Pete had invited him and Charlie over before but they refused to go. Pete was scary.
"Meet me by the back steps after school that's where I get picked up,"
Mac nodded.
When the final bell rang Mac rushed to the back doors of the school and waited for Dennis to appear.
Nobody got picked up back here. Most kids like Mac and Charlie lived close enough to walk. Anyone who got picked up would get picked up at the front entrance.
He saw a blonde girl with an aluminum contraption enveloping her back wearing a Notre Dame uniform.
"What are you staring at?" she asked rudely.
"Nothing," he blurted averting his gaze.
The back doors open to reveal Dennis.
The sun shone onto him as his eyes squinted and adjusted to the light before a momentary smile enveloped his face as he saw his new friend.
"Hey, our ride should be here soon,"
Ronnie nodded.
"Our?" the blonde asked.
"Yeah, Ronnie's coming over. Ronnie this is my sister Dee,"
"Hey," he greeted her.
"Hi," she sneered
They stood in silence as a nice car pulled up in front of them.
"I'm riding shotgun," Dee stated as she climbed in.
Mac and Dennis took their seats in the back.
"Hi Mr. Ricardo," Dee said.
"Hello, Deandra,"
"Hi, Mr. R."
"Hi, Dennis,"
"Is that your dad?" Mac asked softly.
That man couldn't be their dad.
"What? No. He's our driver,"
"Oh,"
The ride was silent and the car stopped in front of a mansion.
"You live here?" Mac asked as they walked up to the double doors.
"Yeah,"
"This place is awesome,"
They step into the foyer as Mac's eyes scan the home. He had never been inside a house this grand.
"Come on," Dennis said as he led the way to his bedroom shutting the door behind them.
The room was easily three times as big as Mac's bedroom. The walls were barren except for large fancy art pieces. It looked more like a hotel, or an art gallery than a teen boy's room. The bedspread was a cream color that matched the curtains. No mess or clutter. Everything was in its right place.
"I'm gonna change," Dennis stated.
He walked into his closet and closed the door as Mac stood awkwardly. He didn't want to sit on the meticulously made bed.
Dennis emerged from the closet in jeans and a blue button-up. It didn't seem any more comfortable than their school uniform. When Mac changes after school he wears basketball shorts and muscle tees that highlight his scrawny arms.
"You can sit on the bed dude,"
"Okay,"
Dennis took the weed out of his backpack.
"You can roll the joint. I'll be right back,"
Mac obliged taking rolling paper and a binder out of his backpack.
The door closed.
Mac debated whether or not to roll two joints. The thought of Dennis pursing his lips onto it and handing it to him to do the same crossed his mind and influenced his decision. Dennis walked back in with bottles of water and some chips. He handed a bottle to Mac and put the chips on the bet between them.
"I didn't know what kind you liked so I grabbed a couple,"
"Thanks," he smiled.
He reached into his backpack to retrieve a lighter.
"You sure it's okay to smoke in here? Your parents won't freak out, right?"
The last thing Mac wanted was for Dennis' pearl-clutching parents to call the cops on him for corrupting their golden child.
"They're out of town. Won't be home for a week and the maids don't care. Plus they're heading out for the day,"
"Sweet," he said as he lit the joint and handed it to Dennis.
Dennis held it awkwardly in his hand. With the tips of his long fingers as he brought it up to his mouth. He wasn't sure what to do so he did what he saw his mother do when she smoked cigarettes. Placing it between his middle finger and pointer. Bringing it up to his lips and taking an exaggerated puff. The smoke hit his lungs making them burn unable to hold his coughing in.
Ronnie laughed.
"Dude. You hold it like a chick would,"
Dennis' cheeks turned pink.
"Here, I'll show you," he said with no judgment in his voice.
He held it with his pointer and his thumb near the lit end and brought it up to his own lips. He stared into Dennis' eyes as he sucked in, held it in his lungs, and then exhaled softly before handing it back.
Dennis' copied his movements.
They did this back and forth until their eyes became red and glossy. Mac laid onto Dennis' bed staring up at the ceiling. He felt fuzzy, serene, focusing on his deep and constant breaths. Dennis tried to do the same and they lay beside each other but he didn't feel that same calm. His breaths were sporadic and shallow. His hands were shaky and sweaty. His mind was on overdrive.
"Ronnie," he chocked out.
"Yeah?"
"I don't. I think I don't feel good,"
"What's wrong?"
"I think I'm having a heart attack,"
Mac sat up and looked into Dennis's eyes as he hovered above him. He held his jaw and stared into his dilated pupils. He wasn't sure why he did this but it seemed like something someone who knew what they were doing would do.
"You're not having a heart attack. Some people feel like this the first time,"
"No. No. I don't feel good,"
"It's anxiety. Sit up dude,"
He sat up.
Mac grabbed his wrist turning it over and pressing two fingers down to feel Dennis' pulse. Holding for about thirty seconds.
"Your heart is beating fast,"
"What?" Dennis squeaked.
"It's okay. That's normal. If it was slow or unsteady that would be bad," he said, he wasn't sure if this was true but Dennis' was eager to believe him and immediately became calmer.
"Lay back down," Mac instructed.
"Okay,"
"Okay. So take a deep breath, hold it for three seconds, and then let it out,"
Dennis followed Mac's instructions.
"Deep breath, hold, and then exhale,"
They did this a few more times.
"I feel better,"
"Good. Listen I should head home,"
"What? I mean. You can't leave me I don't feel fine yet," he lied. He felt completely fine.
"You're fine,"
"No. I think. I think you should just spend the night," Dennis stammered.
"But," Mac said before being interrupted.
"You can call your parents from my phone, and I'll let you borrow clothes to sleep in,"
"Okay,"
...
Fuck. Shit. Fuck Shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck Mac's mind cursed. He didn't mean to say that. Dennis wasn't supposed to know, nobody was supposed to know.
"What? I didn't say anything!" he deflected.
"Mac, it's okay if you do. It's more than okay. I... I think I do too,"
"No, I'm not gay. I'm not a queer like you Dennis," he snapped.
Mac's religious upbringing had instilled this belief in him that homosexuality was wrong. Every time Mac's stomach filled with butterflies when Dennis smiled at him. Every time their hands or knees accidentally brushed together sending electricity through his body was wrong. Mac couldn't help it. If it was wrong why did sleeping in Dennis' bed with him when he spent the night make him feel like he was floating? Now that the words had left his mouth he couldn't put them back in. His feelings for Dennis had materialized through those words.
He was eternally damned. Maybe being eternally damned didn't matter as long as he had Dennis there to hold his hand but he didn't want to be damned. The only choices left were to deflect, and negate, and repress.
"You. You were to one who said you had feelings for me. Didn't you just say that? I didn't mishear you, Mac!"
"I would never say that Dennis. You're delusional. Maybe that's why you're so obsessed with me"
"Me?! Obsessed with you?! Mac all you've done these past four years is pester me. Always talking to me. Always asking to hang out!"
"Becos' you're my friend Den. Just my friend."
Dennis stared at him with disbelief and anger rising inside him. He didn't mishear Mac.
"You lunatic! You fucking closet case! Don't call me Den! Don't call me at all! Get out! Get out of my fucking house!" he seethed.
"Den, calm down,"
"Don't tell me to calm down! Get the fuck out! If you don't leave in ten seconds I'll tell everyone at school what you said! They will all know that precious Saint Mac is gay!"
Dennis wouldn't actually do that. He was manipulative and rude but he wasn't machiavellian levels of evil. Outing someone in the 90s could ruin them. He didn't want to ruin Mac. He just wanted him to leave so he could have a quiet place to think about this. To think about how willing he was to admit to Mac that he loved him.
The empty threat scared Mac.
How could Dennis threaten him like that?
He thinks about what Dennis said, I think I do too, that must mean he's also gay. Right?
Mac could blackmail him just the same.
He could tell Dennis "Let me stay here and I won't tell anyone you're gay. Let me take you to prom. Let me kiss you just once and I promise I won't tell anyone," but he couldn't do that. He looked at Dennis. Both of their eyes filled with hot, salty tears.
"Fuck you," Mac spit as he left slamming the glass door behind him hoping it would shatter.
It didn't shatter. The door didn't even make a loud noise when it slammed. It didn't help Mac subdue his anger so he kicked the garden decorations in Dennis' front yard. It didn't help either. He started running through the streets of Philadelphia wanting to get home as fast as possible. To lock himself in his room, turn the music up real loud and sob.
The running made his lungs burn, his legs ached but nothing hurt more than his heart. Mac could run until his lungs started bleeding and it still wouldn't compare to the pain he felt as he left Dennis' house.
Walking into his empty house. Slamming the door of his room and turning on rock music so loud it made his head hurt. The tears came, first one, then another, and then they cascaded down his face.
What am I gonna do?
I can't go to school. He will be there. Oh man, Charlie's gonna be confused why I won't hang out with Dennis anymore.
There was only one week left of high school. A week that was supposed to be fun. That the gang would desperately try to make the best of. A week that would lead up to prom on Friday. Then graduation on Saturday. After that the rest of their lives.
It was ruined. Mac ruined it.
He decided he would suck it up. Dennis doesn't own the school, he doesn't own prom or graduation. For a long time, Mac didn't think he would make it through high school. Now with only one week to go, he couldn't just drop out.
He would go to school and avoid Dennis.
He would go to prom and force himself to not stare at Dennis in his tux no matter how good he looked.
At graduation he would force himself to not clap or cheer as the announcer says the name "Dennis Reynolds," and after that, he would never have to see him again.
Mac liked this plan. It was a cowardly plan but it was fitting because Mac was a coward.
...
Goddamned it. Fucking Hell.
Dennis was up in his room with the door shut.
Mac had just stormed off.
I think I like you.
I think I love you.
The words wouldn't leave him. Those beautiful, terrible words wouldn't stop playing. I think I do too, Dennis didn't think he did too. He knew he did too. He loved Mac. He wasn't sure when it happened. There wasn't a specific moment when it happened. All the little things added up until the fuzzy feeling that Mac gave him became too much to handle. So many moments throughout their friendship he wanted to burst and tell Mac how he felt. Dennis always suspected Mac was in love with him but was too afraid to confront him about it. Mac wasn't too keen on homosexuals despite clearly being on himself.
Dennis loved the way Mac's demeanor changed and his furrowed brows relaxed when he saw him. The way his face lit up and his eyes crinkled when he laughed or smiled. The pouty look he would do when he was thinking. The way he always asked about how his day had been and actually listened to what he had to say.
Mac was never going to talk to him now. Especially not after what he threatened him with.
As easy to manipulate as Mac he had a strong will when it came to his convictions. Dennis admired that about him. He had never felt a connection to religion, God, or a higher power and felt alone in the world. But this connection wasn't good if it repressed Mac's feelings.
Mac always said that the bible says being gay is a sin but Dennis didn't know enough about the bible to dispute it. There's no way it actually says that.
Even if it does who cares?
Mac cares.
The only thing Dennis cares about is how others perceive him. That's why he ditched Mac and Charlie. Realizing that caring about what the kids at school thought cost him a relationship with Mac made him feel sick.
Fuck it. Dennis wasn't going to talk to him at school, or look for him at prom, or give him a thumbs-up as he received his diploma.
That closet case could go to hell.
How could Mac tell Dennis he loves him and then take it back?
Dennis realized he looked so pathetic sobbing about a kid nicknamed Ronnie the Rat. A kid whose real name is Ronald fucking Mcdonald. What would the kids at school say about this?
This is why he liked being alone. If something happens and no one is around to see it. If the event leaves no residue in its wake did it really happen?
No.
Nobody knows about this. Mac would never tell anyone about this. Their confessions of love would live and die with them.