Chapter Text
The shock came first.
Then came the horror.
Then the nausea.
And then…
“I should go. It’s late.” Josh said, not even bothering with the fact that he was standing in his own office. He walked out, hands shaking and sweating, leaving Matt Skinner standing in shock behind him.
He couldn’t breathe, he felt like he was about to vomit.
Josh was terrified.
His own words echoed in his head.
“Yeah, my whole life isn’t about being gay either, but I still couldn’t be a goddamn Republican, could I?”
He walked a loop around the West Wing in a nervous frenzy, and when he found himself back at his office, Skinner was no longer there.
It was one in the morning, and Josh had just told a Republican Congressman that he’s gay.
So he sat down, and he cried.
The clock told CJ that it was three in the morning in D.C. when the phone rang. She answered, knowing it couldn’t be anything good, if someone was calling Air Force One at three in the morning.
“Hello?”
“CJ?” Josh Lyman’s voice came from the other end, but he sounded quiet, nervous.
This didn’t help CJ’s own nerves.
“Yeah, Josh, what’s going on?”
“CJ, I—” Josh’s voice broke slightly, and CJ heard him take a deep, shaky breath, “CJ I fucked up. Real bad.”
“What did you do, Josh?”
“I… Please don’t tell anyone yet? This is, uh, the kinda thing I’d like to say to the others in person.”
“Josh, what did you do?”
“I was talking with Congressman Skinner tonight about the anti-gay marriage bill.” Josh’s voice was shaking, hard.
“Yeah…”
“I… oh god, CJ… I fucked up bad, I just don’t know what to do.” CJ heard his voice break again, and she could swear she could hear a soft sob through the phone.
“I can help once you tell me what’s going on.” CJ had never heard Josh this distressed, and her concern about what Josh had said to Skinner was being overshadowed by her new concern for Josh himself.
“CJ… I’m so sorry.”
“What’s going on, Josh? You’re starting to scare me.”
“I just accidentally told Skinner that I’m gay.” Josh sounded like he was about to throw up.
CJ was quiet for a minute, not knowing at all what to say.
“CJ… please say something.” Josh’s voice was beyond just breaking. He sounded wholly broken.
“It’s true?” CJ asked.
“Yeah, CJ. Yeah… I’m sorry.” This time she knew she heard a sob.
“Josh… Josh, honey. Don’t apologize. Oh sweetheart. ” CJ pressed a hand to her mouth and listened to Josh’s heart-wrenching sobs over the phone for a moment.
“Josh, there’s no need to apologize. We’re going to be here for you, okay? Me, the rest of the senior staff, and the President.”
“I’m gay, CJ. They’re gonna call for my resignation.” Josh said bitterly.
“Who? Republicans? Forgive me, Josh, but when the hell did you start listening to those assholes? And if you didn’t mean the Republicans then I hope to god you didn’t mean the President, Josh, because holy hell. You think President Bartlet is gonna fire you for being gay? Cause if he does, he’ll have lost a hell of a Deputy Chief of Staff and a hell of a Press Secretary too.”
“I’m sorry.” Josh said again.
“Don’t apologize to me, Josh. Don’t apologize to anyone, not for this.”
“CJ, I just told someone that I’m gay for the first time in my life and it was to a Republican Congressman of all people. I’m not stupid, you’re allowed to be mad at me for that.”
“But I’m not mad, Josh.” CJ sighed, “What happened?”
“He was going on about how his life didn’t have be about being gay, and how he agreed with 95% of the Republican party platform, about how us ‘gun control people’ should all flood the NRA with our voices, and I… I was just so angry , CJ. I snapped. I told him that my whole life isn't about being gay either, but that I could never be a Republican. I just… I was so tired of him acting so superior and smug about it all. Like every other gay person in the fucking country was doing themselves a disservice by caring about how gay people are treated. I’m tired of how gay people aren’t given a voice as if this decision shouldn’t be up to us. Why is it that no one ever listens to the people that social justice issues actually are affecting? Why is it that were I to tell the press today that I’m gay, all I’d hear about is questions about whether I’m trying to get the President to pass laws in favor of gay rights? And how I’d have to say that I haven’t tried to push my own personal agenda, or else all hell would break loose for the President? Like, no shit I push for it! I’m the only fucking person in the room this shit acutally matters to! I know the President isn’t bigoted, but fuck , CJ he doesn’t know what it’s like to look his mother in the eye and know she’ll never get the grandkids she wants. He’ll never know what it’s like to sit in a room full of people debating whether you should have any rights at all in this country. He’ll never know what it’s like to look at himself in the mirror and wonder whether they’re all right anyway. Wonder whether he is worthless, or an abomination in the eyes of God, a freak . So yeah, CJ. I was… I was angry.” Josh sounded defeated and beaten down. CJ could practically see him run a hand over his face and wonder how his life had gotten to this point.
“I’m still not mad at you, Josh. Like I said, we’ll all stand behind you on this. Should I tell the President that you want to see him when he gets back?”
On the other end, Josh sighed. “Yeah.”
“Okay. I’ll let him know. And Josh? I’m proud of you. We’re gonna get you through this, hon.”
“...Thanks. I’ll see you when you’re back.”
Josh hung up, and CJ was left sitting there, scared out of her mind for the Deputy Chief of Staff of the United States.
Before she left to talk to the President, she made a phone call.
Donna Moss picked up.
“Hello?”
“Donna. It’s CJ. Can you do me a favor?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“Go into the office. Josh just called me, he… he had a rough time tonight, and he needs someone there with him. Don’t tell him I sent you.” CJ fiddled nervously with the Notre Dame hat she was wearing.
“Is he okay?” Donna’s voice echoed her own with nerves and concern.
“He had a rough time tonight. It’s not my place to tell you what happened but… Just tell him you forgot something you had to do, anything. Just be with him until we get there, could you?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll go in now.”
After Donna had hung up, CJ took a moment to sit and breathe, before standing up and finding the President.
“Sir?”
“Hmm?” He asked, barely looking up from the book he’d been reading.
“Josh just called, he needs to talk to you when we get back.”
Bartlet nodded, “What about?”
CJ paused, “I… I can’t tell you that, sir.”
“What, he didn’t tell you?” He asked, looking fully up from his book.
“He did. I just can’t tell you. It’s not my place. He told me he wanted to talk to you himself.”
Bartlet nodded again, slower, still confused.
“And sir, if I may?” CJ added nervously, “Don’t be too upset with him. He’s a good man. Just remember that.”
Bartlet put his book aside, “CJ… is Josh alright?”
CJ paused again, “I called Donna up to go back into the office to check in on him.”
“CJ, obfuscate with the press corp all you want, but when I ask you if one of my senior staffers is okay, I’d like an answer.”
“At the moment, sir? He’s not alright. I just listened to him halfway towards a total breakdown over the phone. And I want you to appreciate the fact that I told him that if you ask him to resign over this, I’ll be handing in my own letter of resignation, and I’m planning to hold to that if I have to.” CJ sighed, “Like I said, Josh is a good man. Everyone has their breaking points. That’s all I’m going to tell you on the matter before he has a chance to talk to you.”
Bartlet nodded a third time, looking somewhat lost in his own head.
Donna made it to the White House, having driven well over the speed limit to get there.
Had she been pulled over, she had her ‘there’s an emergency at the White House where I work’ excuse ready to go.
The door to Josh’s office was open, and she heard heaving sobs coming from within.
She walked up slowly, not wanting to startle him too bad. He was sitting on the floor, back up against the side of his desk.
“Hey.” She said quietly.
Josh’s head snapped up, and he stood hurriedly, trying desperately to look like he wasn’t a total mess, “Donna, what’re you… I thought you had a date.” His voice was scratchy, he still had tears running down his face, and his clothes were in a state of dishevelment that she hadn’t seen before.
“Oh. It didn’t go great, I just remembered I forgot… Josh, what happened?”
Josh’s face fell, the precarious mask he’d been trying to build up when she’d walked in shattering entirely.
“I…” His eyes flicked around wildly, as if looking for an escape route, but they’d yet to land on her.
For the first time, Donna saw Josh Lyman truly scared.
“Hey, it’s gonna be okay.”
Josh laughed humorlessly, “You don’t even know what happened, Donna.”
“Yeah, I know. But you’re Joshua Lyman. So… It’s a pretty safe bet to say it’s gonna be okay.”
Josh let out a sob, clutching onto the edge of his desk to stabilize himself.
“What’s going on, Josh?”
“I just—” Josh started, taking a deep breath, “I just gave a Republican Congressman enough ammo to end my entire political career, and maybe take down the President with me.”
Donna raised her eyebrows. She sat down on the floor, patting the spot next to her.
“This feels like a sitting down kind of conversation.”
Josh chuckled wetly, and sat down next to her.
He didn’t speak for a few minutes, and Donna sat quietly next to him, giving him the time to choose his words.
And when he did speak, it was quietly, and he wouldn’t look at her, “I told him I’m gay, Donna.”
Donna blinked a few times, forcing herself not to react too strongly.
Finally she said:
“Have you ever seen the X-Files?”
Josh finally looked at her, brows furrowed. He nodded slowly.
“David Duchovny as Mulder is pretty cute, huh?”
Josh stared open-mouthed at her for a few moments, before slowly… he started to smile, just a little.
He laughed again, lighter this time, “Yeah, Donna. Yeah he is.”
Donna shifted and pulled Josh into a tight hug.
“I was right, you know? When I said that it’s gonna be okay. This won’t be the end for you or the President.”
Josh hugged her back.
They sat there on the floor, both crying, holding each other, for longer than either would ever admit.