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Louis lets the door slam shut behind him and sighs softly as he drops his bags by the door. “Haz?” He calls weakly, he isn’t expecting a reply but his heart still drops when he doesn’t get one. He walks slowly into the kitchen, living room, checks the bathrooms, the game room, the garden. No Harry. He sits down on the cold stone steps and stares out at the covered pool. The pool would be uncovered if Harry was here he tells himself.
He and Harry haven’t had a fight when they’ve been in different countries before, the fighting over the phone had been no better than fighting face to face and was much less easily resolved. He didn’t know where Harry was, doesn’t know where Harry is. Coming to their house in LA had seemed the only option considering Harry wasn’t at their house in the UK. Louis prays Harry is upstairs sleeping but its 3pm, why would he be?
The worst part is they have tour performances in three days in Orlando. If he and Harry haven’t sorted things by then its going to be horrible and awkward and all sorts of things Louis can’t bear to face. He wants to go home. He is home, but he thinks Harry has been his home for so long, none of his houses feel like home without the curly haired boy. It takes so much effort just to push himself up from the steps and go inside. He heads back through the living room and starts up the stairs.
He pauses at the top and takes a deep breath, opening the closed door to their room. Their bed is made, the room is immaculate. No Harry. Frantically Louis checks the other rooms, no Harry, no Harry, no Harry, no Harry. Louis wants to scream.
The thing is, he’s such a fucking idiot. He should have texted to ask Harry where he would be, did he want to see Louis, could he forgive him? But he hadn’t and now he’s back at square one in an empty house with no fucking clue where the other boy is.
He throws himself down on the bed and presses his face into the other boy’s pillow. Harry’s scent is faint but still there. The pillows have been washed recently. He turns onto his side and fishes his phone out of his pocket. He hasn’t looked at it since he got off of the plane.
(1;24pm) Zayn: Lou? Where are you?
(2;13pm) Zayn: Saw the pap shots, why are you in LA?
(2:14pm) Zayn: No offence man but you look like shit, what’s going on?
(3:25pm) Zayn: Hope everything is okay mate, text me back when you can x
Louis sighs, of course there is nothing from Harry. How could he be so stupid to expect anything after he fucked things up so badly. He misses Harry so much it hurts and he knows he’s being hopeless when he starts thumbing out a text to the younger boy.
‘I’m at home. LA. Where are you? I miss you.’ He deletes the ‘I miss you’ after a moment and presses send, curling in on himself and holding his phone to his chest like a lifeline, wishing Harry would just text him back. Their text conversations have been rather one sided recently.
He must’ve fallen asleep because he wakes up to his phone vibrating in his hands. At first he thinks it might be his alarm but when he turns his phone over he sees it’s Zayn calling.
“Hello?” He answers softly, closing his eyes as disappointment bites at the back of his throat.
“Lou.” Zayn says, his voice is gentle, he’s treating Louis like some kind of wild animal and he hates it. “Are you okay?”
Louis bites his bottom lip hard as he thinks. The obvious answer is ‘no’ but all of his instincts are telling him to say ‘yes’. He doesn’t want Zayn to worry, he doesn’t want to be a pain. He doesn’t want Zayn to leave him when he realises how much he’s messed up. He doesn’t realise he’s hyperventilating until Zayn’s voice is humming through his ear.
“Louis, calm down.” He coaches. “You’re okay, you can breathe, c’mon just calm down, slow breaths, in for 3 out for 3. You know how to do it.”
Louis forces himself to calm down as Zayn coaches him through it. He doesn’t realise he’s crying until he rubs his eyes and his hand comes away wet.
“What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
“No.” Louis whispers, he sounds more broken than he means too, he hates it. He hates everything.
“Tell me what’s wrong love?” Zayn says, Louis can hear him moving around.
“C-can you come here?” Louis cries, feeling pathetic.
“To LA?” Zayn asks, he sounds incredulous.
“S-shit, no.” Louis cries. “F-fuck, it doesn’t m-matter, s-sorry.” He tries to hold back a sob but fails. “I’m s-sorry.”
“Hey, hey.” Zayn hums. “Of course I’ll come Lou, of course.” Louis can hear Zayn moving again, it sounds like he’s going upstairs.
“N-no, I-it doesn’t matter, I I-I’m not important.” Louis sniffs and curls up tighter. Harry had shown him how unimportant he was.
“I’m packing, you are important. Lemme get my stuff and get to the airport. I’m coming okay? I’ll give you a call back before I get on the plane. Are you good if I hang up?”
“Y-yes.” Louis stutters, although he wants to say no, he doesn’t want to be more of a pain than he already is. “S-sorry, I-I’m such a-a p-pain.”
“Don’t say that Lou, I don’t mind, promise.” Zayn’s voice sounds far away, Louis figures he must be packing.
“O-okay.” Louis whispers.
“I’m gonna go, I need to get to the airport, I’ll call you in a little while.”
“Okay.” Louis repeats.
“Don’t do anything stupid.” Zayn tells him firmly, but not unkindly. Louis looks down at the scars on his wrists and know what Zayn is referring too.
“I’ll try not too.” He says weakly.
“Okay, speak soon Lou.” Zayn says. “Hang in there.”
“B-bye.” Louis whispers, pressing the end call button.
He sends ‘I miss you’ to Harry because he’s been pathetic enough already and then closes his eyes, waiting for sleep to take him again. It won’t though and he ends up lying there, tears still slipping from beneath closed lids. He hates this, fighting with Harry is the worst. He hates it because Harry hates him and he hates himself. He knew this would come. He knew Harry would take him apart piece by piece and find him broken and twisted and ugly at his core. He knew Harry would learn to hate him as much as he hated himself. He hated how he knew he deserved it. He knows he’s being completely irrational, he’s blowing this completely out of proportion, but he can’t help it.
He’s spiralling down into a dark place, he’s been here before. Last time though he had a beautiful boy to pick him up and wipe him down and tell him he is good enough. He needs Harry now. Harry doesn’t need him. He shakes his head as if to clear it as his phone starts buzzing again.
“Hi.” Louis murmurs, he can hear Zayn panting.
“Plane leaves in 5 minutes.” Zayn tells him. “I’ll be with you by about 3am your time.”
“O-okay.” Louis sniffles. “T-thank you.”
“Nothing to thank me for Lou, I want to help.” Zayn tells him.
“Don’t need help.” Louis sighs. God he hates this.
“You do, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked me to come.” Zayn states.
“Y-yeah, I know.” Louis murmurs., squeezing his eyes closed.
“I have to go, boarding time, I’ll see you in a while.”
“L-love you.” Louis whispers.
“I love you too.” Zayn says. “Bye Lou.”
Louis puts the phone on the bedside table and sighs, sitting up. He can’t lie here and think, he’ll drive himself crazy. He heads back down the stairs into the kitchen. He’s never been in this house alone before. He doesn’t want to make a habit of it. It’s far too big for just one person. The kitchen is foreign without Harry humming softly as he stirs the dinner he’s making them. The living room looks bare as all of the blankets that usually reside on the sofa have been folded and put away. Everything is so neat, Harry hasn’t been long gone, he always tidies before he leaves.
Louis can’t bear to think of Harry leaving just hours before he arrived. He can’t stand to think how close they were. Not close enough, Louis thinks bitterly. He hates himself. He should have argued more, fought harder to spend their break with Harry. Instead he had spent it going to pointless management meetings and doing countless pap walks with Eleanor. He knows how badly he’s fucked things up. He doesn’t want to be here. He wants to be with Harry, even if Harry doesn’t want him.
He turns away from the kitchen, food sounds so unappealing compared to curling up on the sofa. It feels too cold without Harry wrapped around him. He lies down and squeezes his eyes closed, trying to imagine Harry is cuddled up to him. He would die to be in Harry’s arms right now. He itches to go into the bathroom and slice his wrists with the razor he knows will be there. They always keep a spare here. Zayn will be here soon, he reminds himself. Zayn doesn’t make things better like Harry can. Zayn can’t make this go away. Louis picks himself up and heads to the bathroom, locking the door behind him out of habit.
Once he’s done, he stands in the shower and watches the water run red. He feels better, his head feels clearer. It hurts, but it hurts so good. He steps out of the shower and dries off, wrapping bandages around his freshly cut wrists. He keeps the towel around himself and goes upstairs to change. He’s brought clothes with him but he opens the drawer out of habit. There’s still one of Harry’s hoodies in there. He pulls it on without hesitation, wincing slightly as the sleeves rub against the poorly-wrapped bandages, irritating the cuts. The jumper still smells like Harry and Louis can’t help but sob. ‘Don’t even speak to me.’ Harry’s voice rings in his ears. He pulls on some sweats and goes back downstairs, curling up on the cold, hard couch.
He wakes up to a hand shaking his shoulder and his heart leaps. Harry! He opens his eyes. The figure isn’t tall enough to be Harry and they don’t have curly hair.
“Wake up Lou, lets get you up to bed.” Zayn murmurs softly.
Louis almost chokes on his disappointment but follows Zayn obediently up the stairs, curling up on Harry’s side of the bed. He doesn’t want Zayn to leave him, he needs cuddles and reassurance. He watches Zayn toe off his shoes and climb into the king size bed next to him, on Louis’ side of the bed. Zayn is warm when he wraps his arms around Louis and Louis hears him sigh when tears drip out of the corners of Louis’ eyes. Louis remembers that hour he spent in the bathroom as he destroyed the skin on his wrists and lets out a broken sob. Zayn is going to be so disappointed.
“S-sorry.” Louis sobs. “S-so s-sorry.
Zayn rubs his back and holds him close. “For what?”
Louis pulls the sleeve up slightly so Zayn can see his bandage peeking out and presses his face into Zayn’s neck.
“Oh Boo…” Zayn breathes. “I didn’t realise it was this bad, what happened? Where’s Harry?”
“G-gone.” Louis chokes.
“What?” Zayn asks.
“He told me not t-to speak to h-him.” Louis cries, gripping on to Zayn tight. “He l-left me.”
“Why?” Zayn asked, frowning deeply.
“He h-hates me.” Louis sobs. “B-because I c-couldn’t spend b-break with h-him and I p-promised I wo-uld.”
“It’s not your fault.” Zayn says. “You didn’t ask to be separated.”
Louis nods, more tears racing down his cheeks. “S-should have a-argued with m-management, should h-h-have tried harder.”
“Shhh.” Zayn holds him closer and rubs his back again. “Calm down for me babes.”
Louis sobs until he’s too exhausted to sob anymore and then just lies there as Zayn’s gentle hand smooths up and down his back. He hates how he’s made Harry hate him. How can Zayn be so nice about it? He doesn’t deserve Zayn, he doesn’t deserve anything like this.
“I want to sleep.” He whispers pathetically.
“Okay, want me to stay?” Zayn asks softly.
“P-please.” Louis sniffles.
Zayn nods and gets up to strip down to boxers to sleep in, when he gets back into bed he gathers Louis close and presses a kiss to his forehead. “Goodnight Lou.”
Maybe Zayn’s arms aren’t as tight as Harry’s and his chest is too broad and he hasn’t got a hand nestled in Louis’ hair, but it’s not nothing. “Thank you Z, goodnight.”
When Louis wakes up, Zayn is on the phone talking softly. It takes him a while to blink past his sleep-bleary eyes and tune into the conversation. Zayn’s fingers and winding through Louis’ hair comfortingly and he smiles softly, keeping his eyes closed. He isn’t ready to face reality just yet.
“I know Haz, but he’s so torn up about this.” Zayn is murmuring. “You could at least text him back.”
Louis can almost hear Harry’s voice through the phone Zayn is obviously holding to his ear. It hurts and he flinches. Zayn’s hand stills briefly in his hair before he continues.
“He, Harry, I didn’t know how bad this was until I got here, but he did it again. He cut himself and we swore we would keep him from doing this.” Zayn pauses as Harry talks. “I don’t know, he has bandages over it, it could be awful.” It is awful, Louis thinks bitterly. “Okay.” Zayn sighs. “See you tomorrow. Bye Harry.” Zayn puts the phone down on the bed beside him and Louis can feel him turning over.
“I know you’re awake.” He says to Louis. “I’m sorry for telling him Lou, but he needed to know how badly he fucked this up.”
Louis sniffles softly. “I understand.” He whispers.
“Want me to go make you some breakfast?”
Louis nods even though he doesn’t want to eat, he doesn’t want to move, he doesn’t want to be. He drags his weary body into a sitting position and rubs at red, swollen eyes. Zayn ruffles his hair before vacating the room.
Louis sighs and looks around at his surroundings. The morning sun is filtering through the windows and he knows exactly how beautiful Harry’s pale skin looks in this light. He shakes his head to clear the mental image and gets up, moving slowly to the ensuite to relieve himself. They have to travel to Orlando tomorrow, Louis doesn’t want too. He can’s stand to be so close to Harry when they’re so distant. He’s still wearing Harry’s jumper and Louis knows he must have left it in the drawer on purpose. All of his other clothes had gone. It makes him a little happier to think, even though Harry probably, okay definitely, hates him, he still cares a tiny bit. He finally gathers his energy and walks downstairs. The sight that greets him is not Harry wearing only boxers, humming as he makes them breakfast. At least he isn’t alone.
He sits down at the breakfast bar and pushes his face into his elbow. He tries to get rid of the thoughts of self hate, he knows that they only make this worse, but its so hard to not hate himself when the person he loves more than anything does. He doesn’t want to sit alone and cut his wrists and have to try and think of reasons not to take all of the painkillers in the packet. ‘I fucking hate you Louis’. Harry’s voice rings through his head again, loud and clear. Subconsciously he digs his blunt fingernails into his thigh. He squeezes harder and harder until Zayn gently removes his hand.
“None of that.” Zayn whispers. “I won’t let you hurt yourself.
Louis just shakes his head but removes his hand. “Bit late for that.” He whispers. “I deserve it anyway.”
“Don’t do this again, you know you don’t.” Zayn tells him earnestly, taking Louis’ face in his hands.
“Harry thinks I do.”
“No he doesn’t, he told me he doesn’t want you to do this to yourself.” Zayn tells him.
“The why the fuck won’t he fucking talk to me.” Louis hisses.
“Give him time.” Zayn says, turning back to breakfast.
Louis huffs and turns away from Zayn. He doesn’t feel like Zayn is on his side anymore and it makes him almost as angry as it makes him sad. God his feelings are so fucked up. He wants Harry, he wants him so bad it hurts, but he doesn’t know how to get to him. He wants to cry and scream and break things and hurt himself.
The rest of the day passes with tears and cuddles from Zayn and not feeling any better. He sneaks into the bathroom and cuts his wrists again whilst Zayn is sleeping, it hurts even better this time. In the morning, he allows Zayn to lead him through the airport, he’s quiet and withdrawn and still wearing Harry’s hoodie. He keeps the sleeves pulled down over his hands so Zayn won’t see the new bandages. He’s so disappointed in himself, he doesn’t need Zayn’s disappointment as well. He sleeps on the plane because he’s so fucking exhausted but its an awful uneven sleep. He wakes up with a pounding headache and a dry throat from breathing in recycled air. The get through screaming fans quickly, not stopping to sign anything and eventually arrive at the hotel. They have an hour until their meeting with management. Louis just wants to sleep. Or to die. Either would be good right now.
Zayn stays with him because he knows how fragile Louis is. He needs to be watched or else he probably would do something stupid. Louis hasn’t spoken to Zayn since breakfast, he’s avoided questions with a shrug or a nod and he isn’t in the mood to speak at all. Zayn keeps telling him it’s time to go down to the meeting room but Louis isn’t listening. Zayn soon drags him up and forces him downstairs and into a chair. They’re the first ones there and the seats are cosy. If he closes his eyes, Louis thinks he could probably sleep. He caught sight of himself in the mirror earlier and he knows Harry will hate him even more when he sees him. His skin is pale and the bags under his eyes are dark and purple. He looks like a fucking mess. He hears Liam arrive and hears Zayn and Liam hold a soft conversation over his head. He feels the shift in the room when Harry arrives.
He cracks open and eye and sees Harry throw himself down into the chair next to Liam. He actually… He looks almost as bad as Louis apart from the lack of bandages on his wrists. He looks exhausted and pale and as soon as he looks over at Louis, Louis squeezes his eyes shut. He hadn’t thought this was a possibility – he never thought Harry would be suffering as badly as he is. He thought Harry had cut his losses and moved on, Louis wouldn’t blame him if he had, he knows how much of a burden he must be. Louis pulls his sleeves down over his hands, as he feels Harry’s gaze rake over him. He knows Harry is looking for some kind of change, some way to gage how badly he’s hurt Louis. Louis frowns, Harry already knows about the cuts.
He doesn’t pay attention during in the meeting at all, he’s so self conscious, Harry hates him and he doesn’t want to see him but now they’ve been forced into the same room and its awful. The air is crackling with tension and Louis knows the other boys can feel it too. The only thing he does pick up on is the fact that they’re going straight to the stadium for rehearsals once this meeting is over which sounds like the worst idea possible.
Management is going over the whole ‘Louis don’t stand too close to Harry’ bullshit and Louis laughs bitterly, he gets an odd look from Zayn at this. It’s not going to be a problem today, or for the next while by the looks of things. Louis fucking hates how easy its going to be for the younger boy to ignore him. He realises everyone is looking at him.
“It’s not exactly going to be difficult is it?” He spits, rising from the chair and storming out of the room. He’s done with this meeting, he’s done with being so close to Harry but not close enough. He’s done with feeling the tension in the air. He’s just done.
“Lou, wait!” Zayn calls after him.
“Just leave me the fuck alone.” Louis cries, he doesn’t mean to cry but everything is too much.
“C’mon Louis, we both know that isn’t what you want.” Zayn says.
“You don’t know what I want!” Louis yells, scrubbing angrily at his cheeks as he continues to walk away from Zayn.
“I know you want Harry to cuddle with and to tell you he loves you and to tell you you’re good enough.”
Louis spins around and his tears are falling faster now. “Don’t say things like that!” He screams. “Why would you do that?”
“I’m sorry but you need to stop pushing people away.” Zayn tells him calmly.
“Fuck you!” Louis sobs. “Go away!” He runs in the direction of his room, hoping Zayn won’t follow because he really cant stand other people.
When Louis arrives at the room, he calms himself down and splashes cold water on his face. When he deems himself decent enough (he still looks horrible but it isn't going to get any better), he grabs his phone and headphones and heads down to the van waiting to take them to the stadium. He’s first there and sits down by the window, plugging his headphones in and turning his music up. He closes his eyes and wishes for sleep to come, he knows it won’t.
Liam sits next to him and rubs his shoulder as the other guys start to arrive. Louis doesn’t want to be alone, Zayn was right about that, he wants affection and he wants to know he’s good enough. Most of all, he wants Harry. But Liam will have to suffice. He sniffles softly and leans his head on Liam’s shoulder.
“Okay?” Liam asks gently.
Louis removes one of his headphones so he can hear and just shrugs.
“I heard what happened with Zayn.” Liam tells him softly.
Louis presses his face to Liam’s neck as the tears start to fall. He’s cried too much recently, its pathetic.
“Hey, its okay.” Liam whispers. “Zayn shouldn’t have said that, he was just trying to help Boo.”
“O-okay.” Louis whimpers, squirming closer to Liam as the others climb in.
“Do you need anything? Have you eaten today?”
Louis shakes his head as an answer to both questions.
“You haven’t eaten?” Liam asks. “Lou, you know you need to eat love.”
Louis shook his head. “D-don’t feel like i-it.”
“Okay.” Liam sighs. “But you’re going to eat dinner.”
Louis just nods, he knows Liam will make him, whether he wants to or not. Liam is worried about him, he can see it in the way that Liam eyes the bandages on Louis’ wrists and holds him so gently. Louis would usually hate it but right now he needs gentle touches and soft reminders.
He keeps his head against Liam’s shoulder but puts his other headphone back in. He doesn’t want to hear the soft conversation Harry holds with Zayn and Niall. He wants to sleep, he hasn’t slept properly since they had the fight and it’s been nearly a week. He’s so tired. Somehow he does manage to fall asleep on the way to the venue, but it isn’t that far, it’s not enough. He wakes up to hand shaking his shoulder gently.
“Lou, wake up, we’re here.” Liam murmurs softly.
Louis just whines and tries to press closer to Liam, he doesn’t want to be awake, he doesn’t want to do rehearsals.
“I know, I know.” Liam whispers. “You’re sleepy but it’s time to wake up babe, I’m sorry.”
Louis shakes his head and rubs his eyes. He runs a hand through his hair and can feel where it’s matted from sleeping against Liam. Liam’s fingers follow his and do a better job of fixing his hair. Liam smiles encouragingly as he helps Louis out of the van.
Wardrobe is easy this year because they’ve decided what they want to wear so there’s not outfit checks, its all done quickly. There’s no hair or makeup either since this is only rehearsals and everything they have to do runs smoothly. Louis feels like shit though. He just wants to curl up and sleep or cry or both. He sighs softly as they’re directed out on to the stage and looks at the set up. He smiles weakly as Niall enthuses about it to him and leans into the blond boy. He’s glad that the others aren’t acting any differently because of this. He’s glad that neither him or Harry are being pushed out, no one is taking sides. They take to positions and get to singing, Louis is glad he’s been in the states a few days, this would have been worse jet lagged.
It’s hot though, he’s so so hot and the stage lights aren’t helping. He’s also dizzy he realises, the kind of dizzy that comes with not having enough to eat. He feels like he’s going to throw up but he knows there’s nothing in his stomach to come out. He staggers over to the steps on the stage and sits down, holding his head in his hands and closing his eyes, willing the dizziness away.
“What’s wrong?” Liam asks, coming over to him.
The music has stopped and Louis is grateful, the beating of the bass was not helping the pounding in his head. “Feel like shit.” Louis manages, even talking takes a lot of effort.
“What have you eaten?” Zayn asks him, crouching down to Louis’ level.
Louis sighs, he’s still mad with the raven-haired boy but he figures he should ordain him with an answer. “Nothing.” He whispers. He knows that Zayn will be disappointed.
“Louis.” Zayn scolds. “I’m going to go find you something, okay? Stay here.”
Louis frowns, he doesn’t think he can walk, he’s not exactly going to leave. He pushes his face into the crook of his arm and tires to breathe deeply. He can still feel the world moving around him, he doesn’t dare open his eyes.
“This is why you should eat babe.” Liam murmurs softly.
Louis just shrugs, it’s hard to force food down when he doesn’t feel good enough, when he feels fat enough already. He knows he isn't good enough for Harry as it is, eating will only make it worse.
“Okay, sit up a little Lou, drink this.” Zayn tells him, obviously having arrived back from his mission to find food.
Louis sits up and opens his eyes, relieved when the world seems to stay still. He takes the Lucozade Zayn is pressing into his hands and takes slow cautious sips of the sugary liquid. Zayn also hands him a Mars bar. He frowns but eats the whole thing because he knows it will make Liam and Zayn pleased and he’s caused them enough hassle as it is.
“Are you okay to carry on?” Zayn asks him softly once Louis has finished all of the Lucozade and eaten the Mars bar.
Louis nodded. “Sure, how long left?” He still feels shaky and weak.
“Only about 10 minutes.” Liam murmurs, combing a soft hand through his hair. “You don’t have to do it though Lou.”
Louis shakes his head and pushes himself up from the steps, blinking as the world lurches and then settles again. “I can do it.” He insists
The rest of rehearsal passes without incident, Louis still feels crappy but it’s over quickly. As soon as they get back, he makes a beeline for his hotel room, hoping he won’t have to eat dinner. Liam stops him though with a firm hand on the small of his back, leading them to the table where they are to eat.
“You need food.” Liam tells him. “Please just eat a little.”
Louis nods and lets Liam pull his chair out for him. “Okay.” He whispers as he sits down. He keeps his eyes on the table in front of him, picking at the napkin absentmindedly. Harry is sitting opposite him and he can feel the younger boy’s gaze boring into him. He doesn’t look up. He suddenly resizes he’s only wearing a T-shirt and his bandages are on full show. He gasps and looks up at Liam, panicking.
“What’s up?” Liam asks softly.
Louis doesn’t answer, at least not in words. He looks down at the bandages and then back up at Liam and the other boy seems to understand. He pulls off his hoodie and hands it to Louis with a soft, sad smile. Louis pulls it on quickly and breathes out a sigh of relief. He meets Harry’s gaze as his eyes make their way back down to the table and Harry looks so sad and worried and Louis cant take it.
He eats as little as he can get away with and as quickly as possible before he excuses himself from the table and hurries back up to his room. He lets the tears slip out of his eyes as soon as he gets there. He’s hurting Harry so much by being so fucked up and he hates himself even more for it. He throws himself face down onto the bed and sobs into the pillows. He hasn’t had a room to himself in a hotel for so long, or maybe never since he met Harry. It’s horrible, it’s too big and too quiet and there’s only one suitcase and there’s no tall boy to hold him together as he falls down, down, down.
He ends up in the bathroom at 1am, fresh cuts on his wrists and fresh tears on his cheeks. He though he was over this, he thought he was better than this. He wishes Harry was here to fix him, but he isn’t and Louis hates it. He hates everything. Maybe he should just kill himself. At least then he wouldn’t be a burden and all of this pain would be over. No. He’s better than this. Before he realises what he’s doing, he dials Harry’s mobile number. Harry’s phone rings, once, twice, three times, four times, five times, six times, seven times and then he gets voicemail.
‘Um hey, sorry I can’t take your call right now, I’m probably busy or I left my phone on silent or something.” Louis hears himself giggle in the background and it’s like an dagger straight through his heart. “Anyway, leave a message if you want or give me a call back.”
Louis doesn’t realise how fast the tears are streaming down his cheeks until he goes to talk and realises how blocked his throat is. He clears it softly and sighs shakily. “I miss you.” He starts. “I miss you so fucking much it hurts and I don’t know how to do this on my own. It hurts more and more every day.” Louis pauses as a sob pushes it’s way out of his chest. “I k-know you deserve s-so much better than m-me and I k-now I’m not good enough. I know y-you hate me, but I just-“ Louis breaks off again, crying too hard to continue. “I just th-thought maybe y-you missed m-me as mu-ch as I miss you.” He pauses again. “I want to die.” He admits. “I d-don’t want to l-live like this. F-fuck, Im s-so stupid, you don’t need this. S-sorry. I’m s-so fucking s-sorry for everything.” He presses the red ‘end call’ button and mentally punches himself. That was a really stupid thing to do.
He wakes up on the bathroom floor. Someone is pounding on the door. He whines and gets up, opening the door to see Zayn standing there.
“What?” He demands. He’s so tired and his wrists hurt and his back hurts too from sleeping on the floor.
“Harry told me about the voice mail.” Zayn tells him.
“Go away, I don’t want to talk about it.” Louis tells him, letting the door close in Zayn’s face and heading over to the bed, throwing himself down onto it.
The knocking starts again and continues until Louis drags himself off of the bed and goes back to the door.
“Fuck off Zayn!” He yells as he opens the door. He draws a sharp intake of breath as he looks up and sees a curly haired figure that definitely isn’t Zayn. “H-Harry?” Louis stutters, looking up with wide eyes. He’s on the verge of tears again, this is ridiculous. Stop fucking crying.
“Um yeah, hi.” Harry says, looking down at the floor. He looks like he’s been crying and his eyes are sad when they look back up at Louis. “Can I come in?” He asks.
Louis nods and leaves the door for Harry to enter the room. He sits down on the bed and curls himself up, tucking his knees to his chest and hugging them. He watches as Harry stands awkwardly in the middle of the room.
“Sit.” Louis whispers, indicating the edge of the bed.
Harry nods and perches right on the edge, watching Louis like he’s some kind of wild animal. “Are you okay?” Harry asks urgently after a long period of silence.
Louis laughs bitterly and looks down at his mutilated wrists. “Fantastic.” He says, voice dripping sarcasm.
“Lou-“ Harry starts.
“Why are you here?” Louis interrupts.
“I’m worried.” Harry tells him. “I’m so worried about you.”
“Why do you care?” Louis spits. “You hate me, remember?”
“No I don’t! I was drunk and I just said it! I didn’t mean it, I swear I didn’t. I was drunk and bitter and I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry.”
Louis shakes his head in disbelief. “Why would you say it if you didn’t mean it?”
“I don’t know, I was just upset you weren’t with me. I know it wasn’t your fault, I just, I don’t know, I wanted you there so badly it just happened. Like I said, I was drunk, it just felt like you didn’t want to be with me, I know that isn’t true.”
Louis lets out a weak sob. “Y-you made me think y-you hated me.” He cries.
“I don’t hate you, fuck, I’m sorry I made you think that.”
“I hate myself.” Louis tells him. “You made me hate myself.”
Harry lets out a strangled sob. “I know, I know I did.”
Louis sobs harder because now Harry is crying too and he always cries when Harry cries. “T-that’s not okay!” He cries.
“I know. I’m so f-fucking sorry. You have to know that.” Harry cries, looking over at Louis with teary eyes.
Louis shakes his head and looks down at his wrists. The cuts look horrible and he’s so disappointed in himself. He swore he would never do this again. A couple of tears fall out of his eyes and land on the new cuts. He hisses in pain and bites his lip hard.
Harry disappears from the room without a word and Louis starts to sob harder, Harry has seen how messed up he is and he’s leaving him again. Louis wants to tear his heart out of his chest and die. He lets himself fall sideways onto the bed and sobs in earnest. Harry is gone for good this time.
“Hey, hey.” The soft familiar voice is back and Louis opens his eyes in shock.
“T-thought you h-h-had left.” He cries, sitting up and rubbing his cheeks.
“’Course not.” Harry murmurs, there are still tears dripping down his cheeks. He has bandages in his hands and he looks at Louis. “Can I put these on your cuts please?” He asks, he sounds so broken that Louis’s tears start again but he nods.
Harry is so gentle it hurts as he wraps the bandages around Louis’ wrists and all Louis can think is that he doesn’t deserve this. He’s a failure, he should be ignored and left to fade away. Every brush of Harry’s fingers has nerves fizzling under his skin and the voices in his head are starting to fade. He knows as soon as Harry is gone they will be back with a vengeance. He almost wishes Harry was yelling at him because then, when he leaves, it will be so much easier to take.
“Done.” Harry murmurs, looking down at the carefully wrapped bandages, tears dripping off of his chin.
Louis nods. “S-sorry.” He whispers. “I’m so s-sorry.”
“What for?” Harry sniffles. “You haven’t done anything.”
“I f-failed. I s-said I would never d-do this a-again and I f-fucking fail-ed.” Louis forces out around sobs. “S-sorry for m-making you h-hate me, sorry f-for not t-t-trying harder. Sorry I-I’m so pathetic I h-had to leave you t-th-at voicemail. I-I’m sorry.” He can barely breathe around the sobs and so presses his head back into his knees, letting them wrack his entire frame. His chest is burning with the need for oxygen but it feels good.
“I don’t hate you.” Harry cries. “H-how many times do I h-have to say t-that before you b-believe me. I love you Louis. I l-love you so damn much it hurts. It h-hurts s-so much to see you l-like this be-because of what I said.”
They’re both sobbing and it’s such a mess. Louis wants to stop, he wants to curl up with Harry and let the other boy kiss him and sleep and be happy with himself again. It’s not that easy. Getting out of this place takes a long time, Louis knows from experience. He doesn’t want Harry to see him like this, he knows Harry will leave this time and Louis will be left unable to catch his breath. He wants Harry to leave now, it’ll hurt less if he just goes now, but he wants Harry to stay too. He just doesn’t want to hurt anymore, he wants it all to be better. He wants to be in Harry’s arms. He’s sick of crying all night. He’s sick of spending time with Harry when they’re so far away. He’s sick of hating himself.
“D-don’t leave.” He sobs. He doesn’t realise what he’s said until it’s already too late.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Harry tells him. The younger boy seems to have got himself together a little bit. There are still tears dripping down his cheeks but it isn’t a constant stream and he isn’t sobbing anymore. “I cant stand to see you like this.”
I’m s-sorry.” Louis whispers.
“Stop apologising.” Harry says softly. “It’s me who should be apologising.”
Louis sniffles softly and looks up at Harry, meeting his gaze for the first time since he entered the room. Harry’s eyes are full of so much pain on Louis’ behalf Louis almost wants to throw up. They don’t break eye contact as Louis whimpers and closes the distance between them, burying his face in Harry’s shoulder and pressing his body against Harry’s, sobbing again.
“Fuck Lou.” Harry’s arms encircle him and hold him tight. Harry is warm and Louis can feel heat seeping back into his bones. He inhales Harry’s scent greedily, finally feeling like he can breathe again.
They hug for ages, Louis can feel Harry’s shoulders shaking as he cries and holds Louis tight. It takes Louis a long time to stop sobbing and relax against Harry. It feels so good to be back in familiar arms, so good to be held against the body he knows so well. He sniffles and looks up at Harry again, cheeks damp. Harry’s hands cup his cheeks immediately, thumbs wiping away left over tears. His green eyes bore into Louis’ as he leans down, slowly closing the distance between them. Louis’s eyes flutter closed as their lips meet and he kisses Harry back softly. They’ve only been apart for a week but to Louis it feels like it’s been a year. He presses impossibly closer to Harry who keeps the kiss slow and soft. When Harry pulls back he smiles softly at Louis and Louis finds his lips quirking up in return.
“I love you.” Harry whispers. “And I know this doesn’t fix everything, I know you aren’t okay, but I’m here for you baby, always. We’re going to get through this together, I promise Kitten.”
“I love you too.” Louis whispers as Harry lies the down together. “I love you so much. Thank you for not leaving.”
“Shhh.” Harry presses a gentle finger to his lips, followed by a soft peck. “Sleep now.”
Louis nods and closes his eyes, letting Harry’s body heat warm him from the inside to out. As Louis drifts off to sleep, he ears Harry singing ‘Look After You’ by The Fray. He drops into sleep with a smile playing on his lips. When he wakes up, the TV is humming softly in the background and one of Harry’s big, warm hands is under his shirt on the small of his back. He smiles weakly and presses closer to Harry. He slept better than he has done for the entire week, so there’s a start.
“Hey baby.” Harry murmurs softly, carding his other hand through Louis’ hair.
“Hi.” Louis whispers, subconsciously leaning into Harry’s touch.
“Nice nap?”
Mmm.” Louis hums, finally cracking open his eyes to look up at Harry. “Did you sleep?”
“A little.” Harry tells him, he looks as if he’s been crying again.
Louis brings a small hand up to wipe at the tear tracks on Harry’s cheeks, a question clear in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, it’s just, I didn’t realise how badly I hurt you, and I wish I hadn’t because now you hate yourself again and I’m so mad, I should never have let it get this bad, I should have texted or called or something.
“Shhh…” Louis whispers. “I’m okay.” They both know it’s a lie. Louis wraps his arms around Harry and that’s how they stay for most of the day.
It’s all a bit of a rush once they get to the venue. Harry and Louis had lost track of time so they’re running late meaning everyone is running late. Sound check is rushed and messy and then it’s straight into hair and makeup. Louis is still sleepy but he’s happier. Once they’re deemed acceptable, they’re allowed to rest whilst the support act is on. Louis sits in Harry’s lap. The voices are back in his head again as Harry had turned away whilst Louis was changing. He knows his body isn’t great but it had still hurt. The rational part of his mind is telling him that Harry is just giving him space but the rational part can rarely be heard over the horrible voices. He sighs softly and pinches the skin of his arm. He’ll never be good enough for Harry.
“Hey.” Harry eases his hand away from his skin. “Don’t do that my darling.”
“Sorry.” Louis whispers, squeezing his eyes closed against the onslaught of tears he can feel coming on.
“Don’t apologise.” Harry whispers, humming softly. “It’s okay.”
It’s easier to block the voices from his mind when Harry starts singing ‘Happily’ softly in his ear.
Louis feels better as soon as they are on stage. His voice sounds good and he doesn’t have to think about anything but the lyrics so he feels happy. Against the rules set for them by management, Harry stays close all night, often his hand resides on the small of Louis’ back. Louis can’t think of anywhere else he’s rather be. Plus it’s so easy to ignore the voices in his head telling him he’s not good enough when Harry sings ‘Little Things’ looking right into his eyes.
It’s not perfect yet, it’s a long road to recovery, Louis knows that, but they’ll get there.
Fin.