Chapter Text
Dinner was incredible as always. Fish caught earlier that day served with garlic rice, potatoes, rolls, and sautéed vegetables all topped with a tangy glaze. The texture of each side dish complimented the main course, each presenting a slightly different note in the same melody. In all honesty, Usopp, who largely fed himself off of what he could decipher from his mother’s cookbook, probably wasn’t actually cultured enough to truly understand just how good it was.
“The meal is awesome, Sanji,” Usopp complimented, piling his plate high with seconds before Luffy could take it all for himself. He might not have enough culture to understand, but he could still appreciate and show it. He tried his best to compliment Sanji for every meal they had, especially since Whole Cake. He refused as a matter of pride to take the cook and all his prowess for granted.
Around the table were noises of agreement, hums around food and a, “SUPER delicious!” from Franky, pose and all. Sanji preened at the attention, finally sitting down with them after the matters of his kitchen were attended to for the moment.
“I’m glad it’s to everyone’s liking,” he said, a small and sincere smile on his face. Usopp admired how Sanji could be proud of his work yet still humble when he received compliments. Usopp himself still had no idea how to balance that sort of thing, all too often letting things go to his head until he was swiftly reminded of the reality of limitations he lived in. He should really be taking notes.
From next to him, Usopp noticed Zoro looking up from his plate. He caught Sanji’s attention, making direct eye contact. Usopp braced himself. Direct eye contact was how wild predators started fights, and when it came to those two it was exactly the same.
“Food’s good, cook,” Zoro said lowly. It was rare for Zoro to use actual words to compliment anyone, especially Sanji. Usually, he used undecipherable grunts to communicate, especially at meals.
Instead of preening at Zoro’s compliment, as he had the others, Sanji rolled his eyes and gave him some kind of look.
Usopp really didn’t understand. From the surface level, it looked like Zoro paying Sanji a rare word of appreciation. According to both their body language, though, it was like Zoro had tried something and Sanji was exasperated about it. Zoro smiled smugly back.
“Chew with your mouth closed, you cave man!” Sanji said.
“Sure,” Zoro said around his food, clearly not doing as told.
It was a predicable exchange, one Usopp could set his watch by, but he has never truly understood the actual logic of how communications between them worked. How did they pick what to fight about? How did Sanji read Zoro’s flat tone? How did Zoro manage to find the exact worse time to do something? It’s like they were flawlessly synchronized but chose to clash perfectly rather than harmonize. Even after all this time, those two were a complete mystery to him.
As Zoro returned to his meal, the movement of his head made his earrings ring together, drawing Usopp’s attention despite him being plenty used to the sound. Three long, thin tear drops in gold pierced in succession up one ear. There was also a simple gold cuff sat high in the cartilage of the same ear. Zoro had always had the three dangling piercings as long as Usopp had known him, but the cuff was newer, though Usopp couldn’t exactly place when he got it. It wasn’t like he kept track of everyone’s personal body jewelry choices. He wondered if either of them meant something in particular. Zoro could sometimes surprise you with how deep something seemingly innocuous ran. And, unlike whatever Zoro and Sanji’s little rivalry was about, he could actually relatively harmlessly ask about it.
So, he did.
“Hey, Zoro, I don’t think I’ve ever asked before – do your earrings mean anything?”
Zoro turned to him with a raised eyebrow, the motion making his earrings chime again.
“We’ve been sailing together for how long and you haven’t ever thought to ask before?” Nami said from across the table.
“Have you ever asked?” he countered, eyes narrowing at Nami.
Nami pouted at him and crossed her arms. That was a no, then. Usopp stuck his tongue out in victory, because he was a man and that was an appropriate, adult response.
Zoro rolled his eyes and turned back to his food, shrugging. “No real meaning to ‘em,” he said around a mouthful of fish, quickly slapping a stretchy arm away out of pure instinct, “Just exactly what you see: three swords. Thought it looked cool.”
“Huh,” Usopp said, shrugging as well. He deflected the hand that went for his food after failing to get Zoro’s. He kind of figured that was all, but theoretically there could have been a cool story there.
“What about the other one?” Nami asked, apparently interested. She gestured with her hand to her own ear, pointing to the shell of it right where Zoro wore the gold cuff.
Zoro reached up, absentmindedly rubbing at the piercing.
For a moment, he didn’t say anything. He only looked up at Sanji seated directly across from him. Usopp watched as they shared some sort of telepathic conversation. That happened sometimes. He imagined little lines of electricity connecting the two, crackling as they battled for mental dominance.
Sanji lifted a brow, Zoro’s face remained exactly where it was, completely expressionless. Sanji narrowed his eyes in a glare, Zoro remained exactly the same. Sanji rolled his eyes, Zoro remained exactly the same. Sanji let out an exasperated sigh. “Fine, fine, just stop with the puppy-dog eyes,” he finally said, waving off the matter with a hand and returning to his meal.
Usopp blinked at the two. That was… unexpected. Not only did it not make any sense for Zoro to look to Sanji about answering a personal question, but Sanji seemed to have just given some sort of permission? And not offered to separate Zoro’s head from his body? Not to even mention that Zoro’s face looked absolutely nothing like a puppy’s, so where Sanji was getting that Usopp had no clue.
Zoro also returned to his meal as if that odd happenstance had never even occurred.
A moment passed. Usopp’s leg started bouncing, curious. Zoro said absolutely nothing.
“…Well?” An almost impatient voice said, sounding from further down the table. It was Brook, who apparently had tuned in to their conversation as well.
“Well, what?” Zoro asked, eyeing him.
“What does your fourth earring represent?” He asked. “All your quiet has made my heart pound in anticipation, though, I suppose I don’t actually have a heart, yohohoho!”
“Oh,” Zoro said, as if realizing that the rest of them could not, in fact, read minds, and therefore did not, in fact, understand his aside to Sanji. Which, by the way, was still weird.
Finally, Zoro just shrugged again, grabbing a fork full of rice. “Wedding band.”
“Ah,” Usopp said mildly, “You think wedding rings are the most common type of jewelry out there? Since even people who wouldn’t ever think of wearing necklaces or bracelets would still wear one? Then again, maybe there’re enough people who like jewelry but won’t do the whole marriage thing to balance it out. I mean, you don’t look like the type for either, but here you are with three earrings and a…” Wait. “Wedding…” Hold on just a second. “Band…?”
Usopp stopped his runaway mouth, words finally turning into concepts and ideas.
Wedding band? Marriage? Zoro!?
Usopp whipped his head around to stare at Zoro so fast that he heard something in his neck crack. He’d care about that later, though. This took precedence.
Everyone but Luffy, Sanji, and Zoro had followed suit, stopping their meal and staring at their stoic, unyielding swordsman who had, to Usopp’s knowledge, never looked at another human being with anything nicer than neutrality before in his life, let alone romantic interest.
“Wh-what the hell do you mean wedding band!?” Nami yelled, breaking the silence.
Zoro looked up from his dish mildly and shrugged – shrugged, at a time like this! – and said around a mouthful of food, “Can’t really do rings, it’d just get all beat up. And a necklace just hanging there would be used to choke me. So, you know. Earring,” he flicked the little cuff harmlessly, “It works.”
“I guess I can see the sense in that…” Chopper said, nodding to himself, yet still seeming shell shocked.
“Screw the logistics!” Usopp said, standing suddenly, unable to take all of Zoro’s dodging. Or is it teasing? There’s no way this is real, is it? He’s just pulling their leg, right? “Having a wedding ring means that you’re married!”
Usopp tried to imagine Zoro in some picturesque cottage out by the sea. He’d herd goats or something. His loving spouse would cook and together they’d care for their four children, living happily.
Zoro would literally hate that.
“Yup,” Zoro said simply, as if that was any kind of a reasonable response. A small little smile grew on his face, looking actually rather pleased with himself. Like he wasn’t just married – as if that was even a possibility – but happy to be, too.
Usopp felt like tearing his fucking hair out.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Zo-bro,” Franky said, butting in, “You can’t seriously be saying that, at some point, you found someone you wanted to marry. Like, together forever marry? And then actually did it? Without inviting any of us?”
Zoro scoffed, “Don’t see how my romantic relationship is anyone else’s business. And I’m telling you now, aren’t I?”
Usopp’s head was reeling. Has he ever heard Zoro even say the words “romantic” or “relationship” before? Zoro was a man of steel and harshness. Sure, Usopp knew very well by now that there was a special little soft spot in him that he only showed to a select few, to his nakama, and even then, only so very often, but this was a whole other league. Zoro has a secret relationship that is so important to him that he got married and now wears his ring everywhere he goes? And now he’s talking about it openly like it’s no big deal?
“Bu-but… When!?” Nami cried, seeming just as flabbergasted as Usopp. He’s glad he isn’t alone here.
“Little after Wano. Some spring island,” Zoro answered.
That was a stupid answer, though, because Wano was well over a year ago.
“You don’t even remember the name of the island?” Sanji snorted, acting far too casual considering the impossible thing happening.
“I was busy,” Zoro replied in a deadpan.
“Uh-huh,” Sanji said, a mocking smile playing on his lips.
Usopp didn’t know if it was best to be mocking Zoro about this. If it happened. Which it probably didn’t. He was actually fairly convinced this was all a fever dream, to be honest.
“The Minello Isles?” Nami asked with a far-off look, brow furrowing. Leave it to their navigator to figure out which island Zoro could possibly mean. Usopp tried to think back, finding it difficult. They just came across so many little islands – not to mention not-islands like floating cities and traveling groves of vegetation – between their larger adventures and this one had been, reportedly, over a year ago.
“The ones with the hot springs?” Chopper chimed in. A memory clicked in place, then, of a cluster of spring islands in full bloom. They were littered with natural hot springs and all the tourist attractions they came with. The log pose had taken two weeks to set, so they had an unusually long amount of time to enjoy their stay.
Usopp mostly remembered spending time with Franky investigating some of the unique properties of the mineral deposits brought up by the springs. He also did his fair share of bathing and relaxing with everyone else, too.
Usopp tried to place Zoro there, on one of the idyllic islands. Showered and clean, his usually unruly green hair combed back and smoothed, dressed in a black tux with a bow tie. A red carnation poked out of his pocket. He stood at the top of one of the blooming hills, forcing himself to be patient yet clearly eager, as he nervously waited at an alter for his dearly beloved.
It was an actual impossibility.
“What a beautiful venue,” Robin said, sounding uncharacteristically dreamy. Oh god, was the weirdness spreading?
“Though it would be unfortunate if you were to fall into some of the less hospitable pools,” a smile coming to her face, “I understand their acid is… quite corrosive.” Usopp sent a prayer of thanks to literally anything listening. She was normal. Creepy, but normal.
Franky suddenly broke out in tears. “Zo-bro,” he cried, blowing his nose into a handkerchief (Usopp’s pretty sure he only programmed himself with tears and snot for the effect rather than true medical necessity), “That’s so super of you to commit to someone like that.”
“Do you even know how to talk long enough to say proper vows?” Nami asked. The words themselves sounded like an insult, but one look at how she tugged at her hair revealed that she was closer to incredibly anxious on Zoro’s behalf.
Zoro scoffed at her, offended nonetheless, “I managed.”
Sanji snickered.
Usopp couldn’t even conceive of what vows Zoro would say.
“A point of order, if I may,” Brook said, raising a boney hand and addressing Zoro directly, “Was this an actual wedding? That is to say, was there some sort of minister there to perform the ceremony, or any witnesses? Not that it truly matters, of course, as we are pirates who have no need for rules such as those.”
Yes, now someone was talking. Maybe Zoro was just fucking stupid. Maybe he thought if he liked someone and put an earring on and then literally told absolutely no one about it, they’d be as good as married. He has a funny working brain like that, it was actually not unprobeable.
“Luffy did it,” Zoro said.
“LUFFY!?” The table yelled, now swiftly changing focus to their captain.
Luffy sat at the head of the table, rubbing his full belly. Usopp looked down at his own forgotten plate. It was empty. Typical.
“Huh?” Luffy asked, aware now of the sudden attention since his feeding frenzy was finally over.
“You officiated Zoro’s wedding!?” Nami demanded.
“I did?”
Usopp sighed and rubbed his face. If Luffy really did officiate, then, as a ship’s captain, he would be capable of legally binding them. But it sounds like the affair doesn’t ring a bell. He could strangle Luffy, honestly. How do you wind up with a guy you really can’t be sure would remember officiating his first mate’s wedding?
“We bribed you with porkchops,” Zoro reminded helpfully.
The use of “we” sent an odd tingle up Usopp’s spine.
Luffy’s eyes glazed over, surely trying to parse one porkchop from another. A line of drool dropped down his chin even though he’d literally just eaten, the damn glutton. “Oh yeah!” he finally cried, breaking out in a wide smile, “Those were really good! Sanji, make those again sometime!”
Sanji returned the demand with a smile, always happy to hear requests of past dishes. “Sure,” he answered, looking like he was taking stock of their supplies in his head, “Next time we stock up I’ll get the right meat for it. Though, I have to admit, the pork on that island was exceptional. Maybe it had something to do with the hot springs?” Sanji discussed the matter so nonchalantly, as if food was in any way an important topic in this batshit conversation they were having. He supposed that for Luffy and Sanji food was always an important topic, but still.
Usopp revised his image of the alter. Now a Luffy in a suit stood before a podium (even in his imagination, Usopp couldn’t muster up a tie for him). Sanji, in a pressed suit even nicer than Zoro’s – not even actually trying to upstage Zoro for once, just happening to by merely being how he is – was off to the side, holding a platter of pork chops for their captain to eat off of as they waited for the final guest.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,” Usopp said, a realization suddenly hitting him, “You cooked the bribes for Luffy?”
“Well, duh.”
“So, you knew about Zoro getting married!?”
For the third time that meal the table went dead silent, everyone staring at their crewmate.
Sanji – the absolute rat bastard – had the nerve to shrug.
“Of course he did!” Luffy said, all grins and laughing, “He was there, after all!”
Well, that sure didn’t compute. It made absolutely no sense. Why, out of anyone on the crew, would Zoro let Sanji – and only Sanji – be present for his goddamn elopement? And then Sanji had said absolutely nothing about it? There was no teasing at all? There was no way in this lifetime that he could have ammunition as fucking good as Zoro getting on one knee and not bring it into literally every argument they have ever had since.
Where had Sanji been on that island if not spreading whatever happened at that wedding? There was no way there wasn’t massive dirt there of either Zoro being completely stone faced the whole time or being somehow pathetically romantic (Usopp wanted to puke at the concept). Sanji should’ve been singing about the whole affair for weeks. Now that Usopp thought about it, he hadn’t really seen Sanji those two weeks, though. Then again, each of the little islands that made up the area had slightly different foods – some coordinated tourist thing to encourage people to explore the whole area instead of just the most popular stops – so he’d just written it off as Sanji exploring the cuisine.
Had Sanji, what, isolated himself for those two weeks? Because he knew he wouldn’t be able to help but to spill the beans? But why would he care about Zoro’s secrecy though? They fought like cats and dogs! Sanji’s job on deck was first as cook and second as personally-appointed-Zoro-annoyer, (not that Zoro didn’t deserve it; he once watched Zoro walk over to where Sanji was sitting down for once in his life, mumble like three words to the guy, and Sanji’s face immediately flew into such a bright redness that he literally – and Usopp does really mean literally – caught on fire. Sanji had dragged them off to an entirely different part of the ship to have what was almost certainly a fucking hell of a battle.) so why would Sanji ever keep a secret like this?
“Luffy!” Nami scolded, breaking Usopp out of his thoughts and bringing him back to the conversation, “Do you even understand how serious marriage is!?”
“Sure I do,” Luffy shrugged, picking his nose because he was a literal five-year-old. “They said they’d take care of each other and now they’re doing just that. For like, forever.” If it weren’t for the nose picking and the matter-of-fact tone, Usopp would almost think that was sweet.
“Wow,” Chopper said, little stars in his eyes, “So human marriage is about taking care of each other forever?” It was actually sweet to see the little reindeer starstruck at the concept. Usopp guessed that as a doctor, caring for other people meant an awful lot to him.
“That’s so SUPER beautiful,” Franky cried, at this point creating a puddle.
“That’s why I keep saying no to Hancock,” Luffy explains, still far too laid back for this conversation, “She keeps trying to marry me, but I don’t have time to take care of some lady for forever. That’s just way too long!”
“Ah, the beautiful Boa Hancock,” Sanji predictably swooned, hearts in his eyes, “If only she’d asked me to marry her; I would be at her lovely beck and call at this very moment.”
Usopp rolled his eyes.
“I’m sure she’ll come around again sometime,” Robin said, “Why don’t you ask her then?” Her question was oddly sharp, like a pin looking to spear a butterfly’s wing to cork.
“You’re so incredibly bright as always, Robin,” Sanji purred, because he was an idiot, “And so kind to look out for my dreams like that.” Usopp’s not sure exactly what that question was aimed at, but he’s pretty sure that wasn’t it. “Alas,” he cried, dramatically leaning back, his wrist resting on his forehead limply like some sort of damsel, “My hand is already spoken for.”
Usopp blinked at him. What? Something here wasn’t processing. What the hell did that mean? Already spoken for?
“Sanji…” Nami said, sounding unsure and upset, “…You’re not talking about Pudding, are you?”
Sanji’s dramatically anguished face curdled like spoiled milk. “What? No!” he said. Relief washed through Usopp almost before concern had. “Don’t get me wrong,” he continued, recovering, “She’s a beautiful, kind, clever, sweet girl and all, but she’s literally 16. I just… I can’t really feel that way about someone that much younger than me. And I knew her for like a week. A very stressful week. During which she tried to kill me. Which, I have forgiven her for, but still.”
There was a collective sigh of relief around the table. Everyone had kind of had their one-on-one time with Sanji about the whole incident, and it seemed so far in the past now, but some wounds run deep. Such clear denial was good to hear.
“Then, Sanji-san,” Brook said, “If my ears did not deceive me – not that I have any, mind you, yohohoho! – then I would be led to believe that someone else has laid claim to your heart?”
“Wait, yeah!” Usopp yelled, pointing an accusatory finger, “Who the hell else would you get married to?” And since when were they talking about Sanji getting married to someone? Wasn’t this supposed to be an investigation into Zoro’s marriage? How many people on this ship are getting married behind everyone’s backs!?
“Ugh, a complete brute,” Sanji answered, now leaning his head in one hand, arm resting on the table, “Literally the opposite of those gorgeous ladies. No soft skin, no delicate hands, no supple curves, no luscious long hair. Pretty much a brick wall in both body and mind.”
Usopp blinked at him yet again. What the fuck did literally any of that mean? He can’t comprehend the words, let alone the associated tone. Sanji was supposed to be talking about his spouse (Fiancé? is he saying he’s already married or just promised? What the fuck?) but he wasn’t doing any of his normal twirling. Hell, it sounded a lot like he was complaining, which was so not mister romance extraordinaire like he normally is about love and beauty.
As Usopp tried to find anything usable in what Sanji said, a shiver suddenly ran down his spine. He turned to Zoro to see him glaring at Sanji hard from across the table. Usopp shied away, knowing the start of one of their fights when he sees it.
“You know, if you didn’t want to, you could’ve just told me no,” Zoro said gruffly.
“Hm,” Sanji said, tilting his head in his hand and making a face like he was actually thinking about it, “Should I have?”
Zoro’s glare intensified. “I don’t know, cook,” the title is said with shrapnel sticking out of each letter and Usopp could feel a spring somewhere being coiled dangerously tight, “Should you have?”
“Hm,” Sanji said again, looking Zoro up and down, examining him. He must be trying to guess what move Zoro will attack him with. Not that Usopp really understood why this is starting a fight between the two, but that’s like half of their fights for him.
Suddenly, though, Sanji’s face did something completely insane. It softened into his supporting hand, basically melting into it. His lips became a soft, involuntary smile. His eyes, though, are the biggest change. They fill with a kind of gentle softness Usopp has only ever seen very few times in his life. He’s seen it in his mother’s eyes when she laughed at one of his lies, in Kaya’s when she waved them off, in Ace’s when he bid his little brother farewell. Sanji’s eyes were full of fondness and love. And they were looking directly at Zoro as if they were the only two in the room.
“Nah, I guess not.”
Zoro blew a bit of air out of his nose in way of a laugh and suddenly his entire miasma of doom dissipated. The spring that was coiled so tightly became a silk ribbon, falling away like nothing. He looked away, towards the table, as if holding Sanji’s soft gaze was simply too much for him. A small smile slipped across his face and Usopp saw his dimples for the first time in what felt like years. His face was dusted pink.
“Good,” is all he said.
That’s it, Usopp decided, this literally cannot be real. Brook’s mouth was on the floor, Robin looked smug, Chopper was whipping his head between Sanji and Zoro trying to figure out what was happening, Nami looked completely shell shocked, Franky had his glasses lifted as he stared in astonishment at the two, and Luffy had fallen asleep at the table. The only logical conclusion he could possibly arrive at is that he tripped, hit his head, and was dreaming all of this in a coma.
The only other logical conclusion, if he followed all the clues, read all the signs, was in-fact not logical in the least. If he wasn’t insane or dreaming, then…
“Cook-bro…” Franky said, unusually careful, “Did you… marry Zo-bro?”
Silence hung in the air for a heartbeat, then another.
Then Sanji, without breaking his gaze, dug a thumb under his shirt collar and pulled out a gold chain. Usopp had seen that chain before shining out when Sanji undid a couple buttons on his collared shirts or appearing under the loose collar of the too-big t-shirts he often wears to bed. He’d never thought to ask about it before, nor considered that there might be something at the end of the chain. Yet, as Sanji pulled it from his shirt, it was clear he maybe should have.
“Yup,” he said, popping the “p”, and smiled wide like a complete dopey loser.
Sitting there on the chain, held up by Sanji’s hand, was a classic, simple gold ring.
A wedding band.
Zoro’s blush deepened, reaching the tip of his ears, and kissing his own wedding band.
Usopp hoped someone outside of his coma was watering his plants.