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Dear Vampire Fic Anon,
I knew it was you from the beginning. I noticed the timing of your first chapter. I didn’t say anything. I had to be certain. To be honest I thought I’d gone a bit crazy. I thought it had to be a coincidence. It was almost Halloween and AO3 was packed with vampire and monster fics. I would have missed it if you had posted it on any other day. But I was having a bad night (I think you know why) and I was drunk and home by myself again. I finished reading a different vampire AU and then I clicked on a tag and started to browse. Your one caught my eye. I don’t know why. There weren’t many clues in the first chapter. But you mentioned Valentia Island. I told you about it, didn’t I? The place where my dad is buried. And then there was the date. October 27. I half expected you to say “happy anniversary” in the notes. Not that we ever made it that far. But if I had to choose a day to celebrate us, that’s the one. The beginning, not the end.
I ignored it at first. I didn’t bookmark it. I didn’t subscribe. But I kept returning to my AO3 history and refreshing the page to see if you’d updated. I didn’t have very long to wait. The trigger warnings were clever. “Gore, gruesome depictions of blood.” Were you trying to get my attention? It worked. I started seeing myself in the little details. The candy corn part was funny. The husband part not so much. You never thought I’d leave him, did you? You never thought that I’d choose you. You should have trusted me more. You should have stayed.
The vampire angle was smart but I’m sure you already know that. You probably still like to hear it from me. I liked the heart, I can admit that. I like the petrol. I love that you called it gasoline. Did you say it out loud in my accent? Remember when you told me that vampires were stupid? I know that you just wanted to tease me after you stole the book by my bed when you broke in. Are you a fan too? Maybe I changed you. Are you still killing? I’ve tried to keep track of you but I don’t have that type of job anymore and you haven’t exactly made it easy. I’m angry about that. I’m angry about everything. I think that you already know that. My anger is all over your words. Do you like writing her? Do you live vicariously through the story? Or is it a performance just for me?
Maybe if you’d left it like that, a story in my favourite genre, I wouldn’t be here now, writing this letter at two in the morning, hoping against hope that you’ll read it. If you’d left it like that, I would have read your fic and let it go. But something happened. You started playing with other people. You were having fun. I read the comments. Others were watching you and they liked you. They thought they might know who you are. It was the closest I’d got to finding you since you left. I followed them onto Twitter. They talked about you. They thought you were one of them. I had to stay. I had to look. But I couldn’t find you, no matter how hard I tried. I made a friend with one of them. Don’t worry. She’s just a friend. Not that I need to explain myself to you, not after that stunt you pulled on the bridge. But I know how you are. I know who you are, Vampire Fic Anon. Or can I just call you VFA? Can I just call you V? (Did you forget that I know your middle name, Villanelle Feya Astankova?)
It doesn’t matter what I call you. It never did. Here’s what matters. I think about you all the time. I think about what you’re doing when you write, what you’re wearing, where you’re sitting. Do you lounge on a sofa with a laptop, wrapped in a designer blanket that you stole from someone you killed? Do you listen to music? I think about how you’re dealing with all the attention. I think about the lengths you go to, to disguise yourself. I think about your words and your imagination and if you have the story planned or if you just let it flow. I think about the past and your letters and postcards. Do you like being anonymous? Do you like being appreciated without being seen? It sounds kind of tempting. Does it make you think of being with me? You know that I see you. You always know. You wrote that I kissed you. What were you thinking? I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind.
So what now, Vampire Fic Anon? V? I don’t know if you’ll see this. Maybe you’re one of those writers who never reads? It’s easy to picture that. But if you do read it, will you give me a sign? I'm asking you nicely. Don't be a dick. I’m sure you know where to find me. I want to see you. I need to see you. You’re the one who started this game. You’re the one who’s writing this story. I can’t sleep from thinking about the next chapter. I need to know what happens next.
Eve