Work Text:
Wednesday, 13 April
Harley Keener
17:20
H: How’s my favourite boyfriend doing today?
P: How many other boyfriends do you have?
P: >:(
H: How’s my ONLY boyfriend doing today?
P: Better, now that you’re here
P: <3
H: Dork
P: U love me
H: I do
H: Sadly
H: <3
P: Dork
P: How are you today?
H: I’m good!
H: Gwen is bullying me again
H: :(
P: Lmao what did you do this time
H: I did NOTHING
P: Mhmm
H: …
H: I fell off the treadmill in the gym
P: Why am I not surprised?
H: You’re my boyfriend!
H: You’re supposed to be supportive
H: Not bully me
P: Alright, alright
P: I’ll kiss it better, darling
P: Want cuddles?
H: Please
P: *cuddles you*
H: uwu
P: No
H: :(
P: <3
Yoinks
(Harley, Peter, Gwen)
18:00
G: Pete
G: Let me tell you what happened
P: Spill the tea, girl
G: So we were both on the treadmill, right?
H: Gwen N O
G: And I was reminding him to do his homework after
G: And he said
G: “What homework?”
H: N O
G: And I said “you can’t run from your responsibilities forever, Keener”
G: And he said
P: Oh no
G: He said
G: “Watch me”
G: And set his treadmill to the highest speed it can go
G: And he ate the floor
H: b e t r a y a l
P: I’m in love with an idiot
H: You still love me?
P: Of course
P: Only if your face heals nicely, though
P: I’m only here for your pretty face
G: Valid
G: That’s also the only reason I’m friends with him
H: I’m unloved
H: :(
P: Why, how bad is your injury?
H: Not that bad
P: Then you’re not unloved
P: <3
H: One day I will be unconditionally loved
G: One day you’ll do your homework
H: What homework?
P: Harls you have to graduate
P: Find a job
P: How else will you take care of me?
H: Wait I thought you were gonna be the moneymaker
P: N o
P: I want to spend my days crocheting cute things
H: But I wanna do that
H: :(
P: We can take turns?
H: Or
H: Gwen can provide for us
G: I’ll leave you both to starve
P: :(
H: :(
G: :D
Thursday, 14 April
Harley
9:21
P: Good morning!
P: :D
H: I hate everything
P: Even me?
P: :(
H: Except you
H: <3
P: Aw
P: <3
P: So I was feeling nostalgic
P: And read a few of our old e-mails
P: And I just wanted to say
P: I love you so much
P: And I’m so glad we were paired together
H: Oh
H: Darling it’s so early
H: Darling you can’t attack me with sap this early
H: I love you too but
H: Aren’t you supposed to be in class?
P: I am!
P: But it’s history and I’m bored out of my mind
H: And you thought of me?
H: Aw
10:02
P: Ugh
P: Sorry my phone got confiscated
H: I will fight your teacher
H: Tell them you’re talking to your penpal
H: You know, the one assigned by your school
P: The penpal thing ended like a year ago
H: We’re not penpals anymore?
H: :(
P: We upgraded to boyfriends, remember?
H: Oh yeah
H: <3
19:32
H: Saw Spider-Man on TV today
H: Made me think of you
H: You’re my personal superhero
P: O h
P: Heck yeah I’d swing my way into your heart anytime
H: I wish we were in the same school
H: That way I could ask you to swing to homecoming with me
P: Careful, you’re gonna get in too deep
P: And these webs are sticky
H: What are we even talking about anymore?
P: Honestly?
P: I have no idea
P: Wanna watch Squid Game?
H: Heck yeah
H: I’ll send the party link
20:53
P: Well that was brutal
H: That’s putting it lightly
P: I gotta go, though :(
P: Episode 2 tomorrow?
H: Bet
H: Don’t stay up too late, darling
P: <3
Ned
21:15
P: Alright, let’s get to work
N: Don’t get injured because you’re too busy thinking about your boyfriend
P: Lmao, you wish
23:12
N: “Lmao, you wish”
P: Shush, they fought dirty!
N: Uh-huh.
Saturday, 30 April
Harley
9:01
H: Good morning, darling
H: I don’t have the energy to be social today
H: But just know that I love you
16:35
P: Hey, Harls!
P: Don’t worry about it
P: I love you too
P: Sending you all the best vibes!
21:53
P: Goodnight Harls, I hope you feel better
P: <3
Sunday, 1 May
Harley
8:47
P: Good morning!
P: :D
14:34
P: So Aunt May asked me today if I was dating Ned
P: Because he’s always in my room and stuff
P: FOR PLATONIC REASONS
P: inb4 you get jealous
P: There’s only you in my heart <3
P: Anyway
P: I was thinking like
P: Wanna meet my aunt sometime?
18:29
P: Have I told you how much I love you?
P: Because I do
P: So much
22:31
P: Goodnight, Harls!
P: <3
Monday, 2 May
Harley
11:32
H: Hey, darling
P: Harls!
P: :D
H: Sorry I wasn’t here
H: Didn’t have the energy
H: I’d love to meet your aunt sometime!
H: She sounds super cool
P: It’s alright!
P: Life happens sometimes, you know?
P: You don’t get pushy when I disappear for a bit
P: Hehe, I’m glad!
H: Yeah, because you’re obviously doing something shady
H: Like dealing drugs or something
P: :o
P: Why do I have to be a bad guy?
P: I could just be fighting crime!
H: Lmao
H: Sure, darling
P: You said I was your personal superhero
P: :(
H: You’re my personal superhero
H: But I don’t know about the world
P: Such little faith in your boyfriend
H: <3
H: I love you
P: I love you too!
Friday, 13 May
Ned
10:12
P: I think I'm in love
N: What did he do this time?
P: He sent me a voice recording of him
P: Singing "good morning" to the tune of Happy Birthday
N: How's his singing?
P: Terrible
P: But my morning is great! :D
N: Who would have thought that a school pen pal programme would reveal your inner simp?
P: Shh let me have my moment
N: Have it with the 78 year old catfish you're simping for
P: I am in love with an old man catfish
P: *dreamy sigh*
N: I'm muting you for the rest of the day, call me if you need me
P: Cya!
13:29
P: Is it weird, though?
P: That we're dating, but still don't know what each other look like
P: Maybe I should send him a pic…?
P: But what if he doesn't like me?
P: N E D
P: N
P: E
P: D
P: Help
P: Do I send him a pic or not?
P: What if I send a selfie and it ends our relationship
P: Ned, I can't have my relationship be murdered by a selfie
14:38
P: Okay, but if he ends it because of how I look then he doesn't actually love me, right?
P: Yeah!! If he actually loves me he would love how I look too
P: But what if he doesn't
P: ;-;
P: Ned, help
P: My relationship can't survive without your wisdom
17:42
P: Okay, so I have decided to send a pic
P: Ned, which one do I pick
P: (pic)
P: (pic)
P: (pic)
P: Ned help
Harley
18:02
P: Hey, cutie <3
H: Howdy, partner
P: Ugh
P: You know what that does to me
H: ;)
P: Anyway
P: So I was thinking
P: It's been, what, a year since we started dating?
P: And like, we haven't really seen each other
H: I thought we confirmed that I was a 78 year old catfish preying on your sweet, supple butt
P: And you don't know what my butt looks like! My point exactly
H: Okay, this is getting weird even for me
H: I promise I'm not a predatory old man
P: For all you know, I could be one
P: *uno reverse*
H: Gasp
P: Okay, wait, that wasn't the point of the conversation
P: Knock knock
H: Lmao okay
H: Who's there?
P: Picsof
H: Picsof who?
P: Me
P: (pic)
P: (pic)
P: (pic)
Gwen
18:41
H: Gwen
H: Gwendolyn
H: I can't breathe
G: What?
G: What's wrong?
H: Peter
H: He’s
H: Too pretty
H: My heart
H: My lungs
H: My body stopped
G: He sent a pic?
H: GWEN, HE IS SO PRETTY WHAT DO I DO
H: I AM GOING TO FAINT
H: HOW DO I RESPOND
G: Uh, tell him what you told me?
G: Maybe send a pic back
H: :(
G: You know
G: If you see his pics and don't respond
G: He's gonna think you don't like how he looks
H: That is NOT TRUE
H: FALSEHOOD
H: HE IS THE PRETTIEST BOY TO EVER BOY
G: Then tell him.
H: :(
H: What pic do I send
H: He sent three
H: Does that mean I have to send three back?
G: Hopeless, the two of you.
H: H e l p
Saturday, 14 May
Ned
10:32
N: If your relationship can't survive without me, then maybe you shouldn't be in one
P: You abandoned me
P: To my fate
P: I sent all three, Ned
P: I sent
P: All three
N: Face-palm
N: How did he react?
P: I don't know
N: …
N: You muted him, didn't you?
P: I'M SCARED, NED
P: I'M TERRIFIED
P: WHAT IF HE DOESN'T LIKE ME
P: WHAT IF MY ASS IS NOT SUPPLE ENOUGH FOR HIM
N: I-
N: What?
P: :(
P: This is your fault
N: Sure, sure.
N: Go check his DM, idiot
P: But I'm scared :(
N: Want me to do it for you?
P: N O
P: This is PRIVATE
N: So…
N: You're going to ghost him forever
N: Because you sent him a few selfies
P: N O
P: Okay fine I'll check
P: Prepare my coffin, Ned
N: Uh-huh.
Harley
1:31
H: Sorry it took me so long to reply
H: I was just
H: Wow
H: You cannot
H: Drop something like that on me
H: Darling, you have to warn me
H: My old man heart cannot take pretty surprises
H: You're so
H: W h a t
H: How do you EXIST
10:48
P: Is my butt supple enough for you?
H: Oh my god, darling, let me breathe for a second
H: It's my turn now, huh?
H: #CatfishExposed
H: (pic)
H: (pic)
H: (pic)
P: oh
Ned
11:04
P: NED
P: NEDTHANIEL
P: NED I CAN’T BREATHE
N: Did you get stabbed?
P: N O
P: HARLEY
P: AJKBFJLDFNKLDFMKLF
P: AJNFzdlknfLAJKBFJKNDFLKFMDKL
N: HARLEY STABBED YOU?!
P: NO, HE SENT PICS
P: NED HE’S
P: NED I WANT HIM TO STAB ME
N: Lmao
N: I take it your relationship didn’t end?
P: NO, THIS IS WORSE
P: Ned
P: Ned, how do I continue talking to Harley
P: Knowing he looks like THAT
N: Remember when you said
N: “Okay, but if he ends it because of how I look then he doesn't actually love me, right?”
P: Don’t call me out :(
P: Ned, he’s too hot for me
N: Peter
N: I say this in the most platonic way possible
N: Have you seen you?
P: Yeah, I hate it
N: Well, he doesn’t
P: But he’s so HOT
N: That makes two of you
N: Now go send him a reply before he thinks he scared you away
P: But he did :o
N: Peter.
P: Okay okay
Harley
11:20
H: Darling?
P: HOLY SHIT, HARLS
H: Am I DILF enough for you?
P: akjfndsklmfldskfmdsk
P: You’re so hot how
H: ;D
H: That makes two of us
P: :o
H: What are you doing rn?
P: Nothing much, why?
H: Wanna video call?
P: y e s
Gwen
13:23
H: GWEN, WE JUST VIDEO CALLED
H: HE’S SO CUTE
H: HE’S SO PRETTY
H: AND HE SOUNDS SO PRETTY
H: AND I JUST WANNA HOLD HIM
H: GWEN, I WANNA HOLD HIM
G: And here I thought you couldn’t get any more gross
H: Gwen, I’m sobbing
G: There, there
G: Being a simp isn’t easy, huh?
H: No
H: No, it’s not
H: But I love him so much
G: Simp
H: I love him so much
G: I know.
Ned
13:24
P: NED
P: NED, WE VIDEO CALLED
P: NED
P: NED, HE’S SO HOT
P: NED, HE’S SO SEXY
P: NED, I’D DO ANYTHING HE TELLS ME TO DO
N: Oh, cool
N: Can I get his number?
N: Maybe he can get you to do your homework
P: NED, THAT’S NOT THE POINT
P: HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY
P: I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
N: I know.
Sunday, 12 June
Harley
9:21
P: Good morning!
P: <33333333333333333333
H: Hey, darling
H: <333
H: I’m not in a good place right now
H: So I’m probably not going to be online much
P: Oh
P: That’s okay!
P: Do you wanna talk about it?
H: Not really
H: I’m just
H: Not feeling any kind of social
H: I’m sorry
P: Hey, it’s okay!
P: You’re not obligated to tell me everything
P: Want a hug?
H: Yes, please
P: *hugs*
H: *hugs*
H: You always make me feel better
P: As do you
P: <333
P: Hey
P: Take all the time you need, okay?
P: There’s nothing wrong with taking a break from being online
H: I love you
H: So much
P: I love YOU
H: <3
P: <3
Monday, 13 June
Harley
9:32
P: Good morning!
P: I love you!
11:42
P: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
P: I hate history
P: I’m so boooooooooooooooored
14:48
P: I was thinking about you
P: And your sexy bedhair
P: And your pretty eyes
P: And the way you say “howdy partner”
P: With that accent
P: VERY unironically
P: And think it’s sexy
P: And I just
P: *feral screeching*
P: I love you
23:42
P: Goodnight, Harls!
P: Hope you’re doing alright
P: <3
Friday, 17 June
Harley
9:41
P: Good morning!
P: I love you!
14:53
P: (pic)
P: On the way to my internship!!!
P: I hope you’re having a great day!
P: Sending you ALL the good vibes
23:41
P: Wow
P: I am
P: EXHAUSTED
P: Goodnight, cowboy
P: <333
Wednesday, 22 June
Harley
10:03
P: Good morning!
P: I love you!
13:05
P: Harls
P: My love
P: I hope you’re having a good day!
P: (pic)
P: I, your personal superhero
P: Will protect you from ALL the bad vibes
P: I hope you’re eating well!
P: And staying hydrated!
P: I love you so much
22:14
P: Goodnight!
P: <333
Sunday, 26 June
Ned
13:46
P: :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
N: What is it?
N: Why the sad face?
P: :((((((((((((((((((((((((
P: Ned
N: Yes?
P: Ned, I miss him
P: Ned
P: I miss Harley
P: I miss my cowboy
P: My yeehaw howdy
N: Then text him?
P: He’s not active :(
P: He hasn’t been for two weeks now
P: I know he has stuff to deal with
P: I just
P: Miss him
P: :(
N: Poor you
N: Hug?
P: P l e a s e
N: *hugs*
P: *hugs*
P: I love him so much
N: I know.
N: You’re gonna be alright.
Tuesday, 5 July
Harley
9:46
P: Good morning!
P: I love you so much!
20:42
P: Harls
P: Today was
P: Such a bad day
P: I forgot my homework at home
P: And then there was a pop quiz for History I wasn’t ready for
P: Ned is sick today so I had to deal with school by myself
P: MJ was busy with whatever she’s busy with
P: And I just felt so alone
P: And the cafeteria was out of chocolate pudding
P: I had to wait in line for a long time
P: And the person in front of me
P: Just took the last one
P: And then I dropped my ice cream
P: I was looking forward to Mr. Spencer’s ice cream all day
P: Strawberry and chocolate
P: And someone just bumped into me and I dropped it
P: And I got my hands sticky trying to pick it up off the floor to throw it away
P: And I couldn’t get another one because I didn’t bring enough money
P: And this is such a small thing but
P: The dogs I usually see on the walk home weren’t there today
P: And they usually brighten my mood but
P: They just weren’t there
P: And then I got hit by puddle spray
P: By a speeding car
P: And I just wanted a hug after all of that but May had to leave early for work
P: So she wasn’t home when I got back
P: And she has to stay late at work because a coworker called out sick
P: And I burned the dinner I tried to make
P: And now I’m just
P: Sitting in my kitchen
P: Alone
P: Staring at a pot of burned dinner
P: And I’m trying so hard not to cry
P: It’s so stupid, it’s just burned dinner
P: But
P: It’s just been a really shitty day
P: And I’m feeling
P: Really shitty
P: I’m sorry I just
P: I needed to rant
P: I’ll clean up in a bit and try to sleep it off
P: I hope you’re doing better than I am
P: Goodnight, Harls
P: I love you
P: So much.
Friday, 8 July
Harley
9:51
P: Good morning!
P: I love you!
15:05
P: I was just thinking
P: About us
P: (Again)
P: And
P: I’m just, really glad I met you
P: I’m glad we were pen pals
P: I could have been assigned a hundred different pen pals
P: But none of them would know me the way you do
P: You were just, great from the start
P: And I never knew I could have this, you know?
P: Someone who knows me so well
P: A safe space
P: And I love you so, so much
P: Thank you for existing
P: Thank you for existing in my world
P: Thank you for going to the school you go to
P: Thank you for being my pen pal
P: Thank you.
P: <3
23:51
P: Goodnight, pal!
P: I love you!
P: And I hope you’re doing alright
P: You deserve everything good
P: I’ll fight whoever tries to take that from you
P: <3
Wednesday, 13 July
Harley
9:35
P: Good morning!
P: I love you!
P: So much!
H: Hey
H: I’ll catch up on your texts in a bit but
H: I just wanted you to know how much I love you
H: Thank you for texting me always
H: Even though I don’t respond
H: You’re too good for me
P: Harls!!!!!!
P: :DDDD
P: Hi!!!!
P: I missed you SO much
P: How are you?
H: I missed you too
H: So much
H: I’m better! Not perfect, but better
H: I’m sorry for ignoring you for so long
P: It’s alright!
P: Life happens sometimes
P: You’re important!
P: And I want you good and happy
P: And it’s okay if that means you have to be offline!
H: Still
H: You’re allowed to be upset
H: You know that, right?
P: Harls
P: Why would I be upset?
P: I love you, and I know you love me too
P: And I want to be the solution to all your problems
P: But I know that’s not how life works
P: I miss you a shit ton when you’re gone
P: But I know you need the time!
P: And it’s not like I’m alone
P: Because this is our space, you know?
P: This is where I come home to
P: And you’re not here to reply to my texts
P: But I still feel better after a bad day
P: And I feel happy texting you
P: And coming here
P: This is our space, just for us!
P: And just knowing that I have this space with you
P: Between our thumbs
P: It’s enough
P: I want to tell you about my day
P: And I want to tell you everything about me
P: And I want to know everything about you
P: And that doesn’t change because you’re offline
P: My love for you isn’t quantified by how active you are
P: I’ll wait as long as you need
P: Because you’re worth it
P: So don’t be sorry!
P: I know you’d do the same for me
H: I love you.
H: So much.
P: I love you too!
P: Very much!
H: *feral screeching*
H: You’re too good for me
H: How is an angel like you allowed to exist in such an ugly world?
P: The world looks pretty beautiful to me
P: Especially with you in it
P: <3
H: O h
H: <3
Yoinks
(Harley, Peter, Gwen)
13:52
G: Lmao, Harley remember when you asked me how to start a conversation
G: Because you wanted to DM Peter but didn’t know if “Hi” was socially inappropriate
G: And then you sent a message and turned your phone off
G: Because you were too scared to see his response
G: Even though you've already been pen pals and exchanging emails for like three months
P: Lmao what
P: Simp
H: Only for you, darling <3
P: Oh
P: *blushes*
P: <3
G: BRB gotta puke
Gwen
17:49
G: But seriously
G: I know i make fun of you a lot
G: But i’m really glad you found someone who makes you happy
H: Thank you, Gwen
H: <3
G: <3