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He can’t even say he made this decision on a whim because changing one’s last name isn’t particularly easy. In fact it was a process; a complicated, annoying process on top of the seemingly billions of places he had to inform of his new surname. And perhaps if he had considered all the institutions he’d have to relay his name change, he might not have done it–or at the very least changed it to what he had–but it was already done. Court approved. Legal. New social security card and all and Buck was just now realizing how much of an idiot he was.
He’d just been so angry. After everything with his parents, finding out about Daniel, and facing the blaring fact that they would never truly love him the way he needed, he couldn’t stand the fact that they held any claim to him. Even Maddie didn’t technically share the Buckley last name anymore, still legally carrying her married one, and Buck figured it was only a matter of time before she took Chim’s last name. So even the only blood relative that mattered to him wasn’t related to him by name. Phillip and Margaret weren’t really his family and Buck couldn’t find one good reason why he’d keep that single tie to them.
So he didn’t. He changed it and now here he was facing the consequences.
“Wanna tell me more about this name change?” Bobby asked, sitting at his desk with Buck’s name change form before him.
“Not really,” Buck shrugged. It had taken him nearly two weeks since he’d been told his name change was approved for him to work up the nerve to have his name officially changed with the LAFD. He knew it was necessary in the same way address changes were, especially if an emergency situation came up… but he knew reporting his name change at the very least meant Bobby needing to know which also meant he’d be facing Bobby’s inevitable interrogation.
“No? So there isn’t anything I should know? Any possible reason why your last name is no longer Buckley?” It was an embarrassing situation but Bobby seemed almost amused by it and Buck didn’t understand why.
“Look, Bobby, I only submitted the paperwork because I had to,” Buck explained, sounding more defensive than he’d meant to. “If I didn’t have to have updated information on file, I would’ve kept this a secret okay? Because that’s what it has to be. A secret.”
“So you’re telling me you changed your name and no one knows?”
“Correct.”
“Can I ask why?”
Buck groaned. As much as he didn’t want to talk about it he knew it wasn’t fair to tell Bobby something like this and not provide further explanations. And he knew his captain well enough to know the older man wouldn’t judge him too hard for his reasoning.
“I was just so angry at my parents for everything they kept from me. For never being there for me when I needed them and I just couldn’t see past my anger. And then they didn’t bother showing to therapy like I asked them and I realized I didn’t want to bother trying anymore,” his heart rate picked up as he thought back to how stupid he’d felt sitting on the therapy zoom call, insisting that his parents would show up any minute only to never return his text or calls when he tried to reach out. He’d laid it all out there for them, begging them to just love him anyway and they still couldn’t do it. It hurt more than he had words to explain. “I don’t want anything to do with them anymore. Changing my last name felt like the only thing I could do because they don’t even care enough to know I’m no longer speaking to them.”
Buck must’ve looked slightly distraught since Bobby moved to perch on the front of his desk and planted a firm palm on his shoulder. “Honestly, kid, I think what you said is valid.” Buck looked up to the older man with surprise. Bobby smiled, “They weren’t good parents and only showed further that they don’t deserve you as their son. If this decision feels right to you, then that’s what matters.”
“It’s not stupid?”
“Stupid? Not at all. But I will say I’m a little surprised by the name you chose. Does he know?”
Buck froze. That anxious feeling he’d grown accustomed to when he thought about the ramifications of this name change came coursing back. He should’ve thought about this more. Should’ve used a random name generator or pulled a name out of hat but instead when he was filling out all the necessary forms, instead of using a basic name like Smith… Buck wrote his new name out as: Evan Diaz.
“No. And we’re going to keep it that way,” he insisted. He felt bad for the slight bite to his tone and took a breath, knowing Bobby of all people would understand Buck’s need to keep it secret. “When I was filling out the paperwork I thought it was a good idea at the time but now that it’s legal I can’t really change it. I mean I could but it was such a pain in the ass the first time that I don't think I even wanna bother.”
He decided not to voice the part of himself that was terrified of what Eddie would say if he ever found out. Buck could already imagine the horrified look on his best friend’s face when he learned about the very clearly deranged part of Buck who wanted to be part of the Diaz family so badly that he went and legally changed his name. He didn’t mean to be a literal creep but he knew what this would look like to everyone else.
“You just–you can’t tell him okay?” He pleaded, needing Bobby to understand. “I feel like an idiot and he’ll probably tell me I was way out of line or something and never want to talk to me again but I–”
“Buck, stop,” Bobby cut him off. Gripping Buck’s shoulder tighter. “This is Eddie we’re talking about. Yeah, he’ll probably be surprised but I don’t think he’ll mind. And you know Christopher will get a kick out of it.”
Clearly Bobby didn’t understand what he was talking about. As much as Buck stood by the reasoning behind changing his name, he knew he’d “pulled a Buck” like his friends would say and didn’t really think it all the way through.
“Just don’t say anything, okay?” He felt desperate. No one needed to know. Especially no one outside of this room. Which reminded him, “...and don’t change the name on my gear or anything. Professionally I’ll still use Buckley.”
“Are you sure? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the name change?”
Bobby had a point, but Buck was resolute. “I did it for myself,” he explained. “It might’ve been a stupid decision but it’s already done and I don’t want judgement from everyone else when they realize I legally changed my last name to my best friend’s when I could have picked literally any other name.”
“Buck, no one will judge you.”
Buck wanted to believe that, he really did, but he knew better. If word of this got around to others in the station, he’d forever be the butt of the joke. Maybe Hen and Chim would let him off with a few teases before moving on, but all the rest of the crew? Not a chance. Most of them had welcomed him back post-lawsuit but he knew a good handful of them still held some resentment towards him. Not to mention what Eddie would think. What would it do to their friendship?
“Promise me you won’t say anything.” He could tell by the look on Bobby’s face that his captain didn’t agree with the secrecy, but Buck wasn’t budging on this.
“I promise.”
Buck nodded before letting himself out of the office, resolute that this secret would never get out. But when has anything ever gone to plan for him?
Eddie was left standing by the engines wondering, not for the first time, what the hell was going on with his best friend. Buck had been cagey, to say the least, for more than a month and Eddie couldn’t place his finger on it. Despite weeks of asking his friend what was going on, Buck remained insistent that everything was fine but Eddie knew better.
Even just now, Buck had handed him a coffee after offering to make a caffeine run for the station but when Eddie joked about how Buck even went as far to get ‘Diaz’ written on the side of Eddie’s coffee so he wouldn’t give him Hen’s coffee again, Buck had looked at the cup like it was a live bomb. Eddie almost wanted to commend Buck for how quickly he ascended the stairs in his haste to run away. He knew it was only a matter of time before the other man decided to come clean about whatever he was keeping a secret, and Eddie was stubborn enough to not let up until Buck told him.
He finished off his coffee and was about to head up the stairs to the loft when he heard someone calling out from where the doors to the station were open.
“Excuse me? I’m looking for an Evan Diaz? He just picked up a pretty large coffee order?” The man was wearing an apron with the logo of the coffee shop the team frequented when they were on shift. But Eddie’s mind had nearly short circuited when he’d heard the name Evan Diaz. He could tell the barista was nervous by Eddie’s lack of response and wide-eyed stare, since he continued trying to explain the lost wallet he had in his hand. “Uh.. the guy… he left his wallet at the counter? Said he was a firefighter here when he was ordering? I’m new so they sent me to drop it off.”
Eddie blinked a few times as his brain finally caught up with his mouth.
“Uh, yeah we had a firefighter go down there a little bit ago,” he said through an awkward cough. “Uh… What’d you… What did you say the name was again?”
The other man opened the wallet and looked inside. “Evan Diaz?”
“Diaz? You sure?” The man nodded, eyes still reading something in what Eddie knew to be Buck’s wallet.
“That’s what it says on the license.”
Eddie knew he needed to get a look at what this man was reading because there was no way Buck had a driver's license with the name Evan Diaz on it. That just didn’t make sense.
“Evan’s up in the loft right now but I can give it to him.”
“Uh, sure,” The barista agreed, handing the wallet to Eddie when he reached out. Eddie wasn’t sure if the guy had tried to stay and chat because he’d already turned walked away, hoping to get a sneak peak into Buck’s wallet to solve this mystery.
When he was sure no one could see him, he opened up his friend’s wallet and sure enough, Buck’s face was smiling brightly on the driver's license before him… and just as the barista had said, right next to his picture it read: Evan Diaz.
Too wrapped up in his own mind trying to figure out what the hell was going on, Eddie hardly registered going through the motions during the rest of his shift. He’d kept Buck’s wallet in his pocket, not wanting to ask Buck about his sudden name change in front of the rest of the crew, but the question was burning on his tongue. The rest of the team might’ve noticed his weird behavior, they might’ve even been trying to talk to him about why he was acting so weird but Eddie ignored it all.
Why the hell would Buck’s ID say his last name was Diaz?
Even all of Buck’s credit cards and his insurance card had the last name Diaz.
It didn’t make any sense.
Why would Buck change his last name and not tell anyone?
And why would he change it to Diaz?
Eddie had too many questions but their shift didn’t end for another two hours.
“Eds? What’s going on with you? You’ve been acting weird all day.”
Buck’s voice made Eddie jump. How long had his friend been standing there? Eddie shook the muddled thoughts from his mind and tried to fake a smile. “I’m fine,” he waved off, knowing he probably didn’t sound too convincing.
“You’ve been in your head all day. Talk to me.”
Eddie purposefully didn’t look Buck in the eye knowing those endearingly kind baby blue eyes would make Eddie fold like a card table. This wasn’t the time or place to question what he’d learned. If he could just get Buck alone so he could ask him what was going on…
“You wanna grab subs at the deli after shift? We can bring them back to my place. Christopher’s been asking for it for a while now.”
“Uhm, sure?”
Buck still seemed concerned but the promise of food and Christopher always seemed to distract him enough for Eddie to get out of feelings talk.
“Cool,” Eddie replied with a forced grin, feeling the weight of the wallet in his pocket. He didn’t understand any of this. How could Buck have made such a big change without telling him? Eddie had even questioned if he was living in some crappy rom com where he had amnesia and didn’t remember marrying Buck, but that didn’t seem likely. He’s pretty certain he’d never forget marrying Buck if that were to ever happen.
When their shift ended, they clambered into Eddie’s truck, knowing Buck would probably end up staying the night since it was a Friday and Christopher almost always requested a Buckley-Diaz sleepover (though it might just be a Diaz sleepover according to Buck’s ID).
Eddie tried to act casual, talking about the weirder calls they’d had that week but he was still mostly distracted by the time they got to the deli and placed their orders. Enough so that he didn’t question anything when Buck offered to pay.
“Oh shit… I don’t… have you seen my wallet? I could’ve sworn…”
Eddie’s eyes went wide for a moment before he collected himself enough to take out his own card and pay for their sandwiches as Buck went out to Eddie’s truck to search for his wallet. His heart was pounding as he followed Buck out, sandwiches in hand, and watched his best friend search the passenger side of the truck.
“I know I had it today because I paid for all the coffees,” Buck said as he searched in between the seats. “Did you see me put it anywhere?”
“You mean this?”
Eddie held up Buck’s wallet and his friend sagged in relief. Reaching out to grab it from Eddie.
“Oh thank god, I just got new cards. Where’d I drop it?” They were inside the truck now but Eddie hadn’t started driving home. Part of him wanted to ignore Buck’s question and wait to bring it up when they got home but he didn’t want to lie either. He’d been acting weird all day and he knew his current silence wasn’t helping the matter. “Eddie?”
“Yeah, uh, the guy from the coffee shop brought it back. Said you left it there.”
“What? When?”
“Middle of shift.” He was staring straight forward, unable to look at his friend.
You had it all day? Why didn’t you give it back?” Buck’s voice went a little high. “You didn’t… you didn’t look in it did you?”
What did Eddie even say to that? How was he meant to bring this up? It wasn’t that he minded that Buck changed his last name to Diaz it was the fact that Eddie didn’t understand why Buck did it.
“Eddie? Did you look in my wallet?” Buck seemed almost frantic now which made Eddie’s defenses go up. He thought that he and Buck no longer kept secrets from each other but this was clearly something Buck didn’t want Eddie to know and had no intentions of sharing.
“Is there something in there you don’t want me to see?” He ground out, knowing he sounded pissed. “Something like the fact that your name is apparently Evan Diaz now?” He finally worked up the courage to look over at his friend and immediately felt guilty for his anger. Buck’s eyes were wide, not with panic but with fear.
“Eddie, let me explain…”
“When?” Eddie cut in, surprising both of them. As much as he wanted to know all of the details it felt immediately pressing that he knew when Buck made this decision. He was still watching his best friend’s face and didn’t miss how utterly ashamed Buck looked as he replied, “About two months ago.”
“Two months?” Eddie shrieked. “You changed your name two months ago and you didn’t say anything?”
“Look, can we not do this here? I’ll explain everything but just… can we go back to your house?”
Eddie wanted to insist that Buck answer every question that had been swirling around in his mind since the guy from the coffee shop had called out for Evan Diaz but he knew Buck was spiraling and didn’t want to push his friend any further. He drove them back to his house in silence. He would’ve stopped to pick up Christopher from Abuela’s but wanted to have this talk with Buck without Chris present, just in case.
He was still trying to run through all the possibilities to why Buck would change his last name at all, let alone to Diaz but he was still coming up blank. Was it a dare? Was he in trouble somehow? Did he have a stalker? It just didn’t make sense why Buck would make such a change and then tell no one about it.
Eddie knew what he hoped the reason would be. He’d always had a soft spot for Buck. From the day they met and the younger man postured and peacocked around the station, Eddie knew there was something special about him. He just hadn’t known quite how much Buck would come to mean to him and Christopher. But years later, Buck was his person, the one that Eddie leaned on when things got hard. Eddie hadn’t even been fully aware that it was happening but somehow Buck had wedged himself into the foundation of Eddie’s life and fit so seamlessly that he’d become part of the structure. And if he changed his last name to Diaz because he felt the same sense of family that Eddie and Christopher felt with Buck… it would mean everything to him. But given Buck’s secrecy, he didn’t think it was likely.
He kept his hopes locked away inside of himself as they pulled into his driveway.
They were both awkward in a way they never had been walking inside. Buck who usually kicked his shoes off and nose dived straight into the couch was now tiptoeing around like he’d never once set foot inside the place. It made Eddie’s hackles rise as he considered worst case scenarios, convincing himself that Buck was truly in danger.
When Buck still hadn’t said anything after the two of them had been sitting on the couch for nearly ten minutes, sandwiches untouched, Eddie finally cracked. “You have me freaking out man. What’s going on? Why’s your name changed?”
Buck crumbled in on himself.
It was stop and go for a bit as Buck tried to explain what had happened, but soon he was opening up about his parents and how angry and betrayed he’d felt. How the sadness and loneliness he’d felt led him to a research binge, trying to see if he could file for emancipation as an adult but then somehow stumbling upon California's rules for name changes and proceeding to fill out the forms to officially change his name.
“...and I just didn’t see why not. I didn’t want to be a Buckley anymore so I changed it.”
“To Diaz,” Eddie added, in awe.
“Yeah,” Buck breathed but he didn’t sound as happy as Eddie felt. Instead, his jaw was clenched so tightly Eddie was almost worried he’d chip a tooth. “Look Eddie, I know it’s crazy and maybe even a little creepy but I swear I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable or anything…”
And Eddie didn’t understand. Did Buck regret picking Diaz as his last name? Is that why he’d wanted to keep it a secret? He knew he could’ve said so many things right then, reassuring his friend that he was neither crazy or creepy for choosing a new last name for himself after what his parents went through, but his mind was too fixated on one part of this whole situation and he needed to know.
“Of all the names you could’ve gone with, why Diaz? You could’ve gone with Nash, or Grant-Nash? Or even just ‘Buck.’ Why pick Diaz?”
By the look on Buck’s face, the younger man clearly hadn’t thought of that.
“I… It was the first name I thought of,” Buck whispered, the implications of his words making something stir in Eddie’s chest. “I didn’t feel like my parents, the people who were supposed to be my family, ever really wanted me. So I picked the first name I thought of that reminded me of family… of people who care enough about me to not give up on me even when I’m too much. The people who’ve never given me a reason to doubt their love. You and Christopher–you two have become the most important people in the world to me and I just…”
“Wanted to be part of the family?”
He felt warmed all over. Buck was, undeniably, the person Eddie trusted the most with his son… the person Eddie thought of as a co-parent. He’d dreamed of the day he could one day ask Buck to be a permanent part of their family, after somehow working up the courage to reveal his feelings. And this? This made that future feel a lot more possible because Buck now shared their last name.
His heart almost couldn’t take it.
“I know it’s pathetic,” Buck mumbled, jolting Eddie out of his happy daze. “And I know it’s weird that I did it without asking but I can change it again. It’ll take some time but I’ll pick something else…”
“Oh no you won't,” Eddie rushed to say, reaching out to grab Buck’s hand, tangling their fingers together as he looked into Buck’s wide eyes. He chuckled a little at the shock he saw on the other man’s face, like Buck couldn’t comprehend what Eddie meant. “You’re an official Diaz now,” he proclaimed proudly, feeling his cheeks pull tight with how wildly he was smiling. “You’re not getting out of that. Especially when Christopher finds out.”
“You don’t mean that…” Buck’s features were filled with worry but Eddie could see the hope lingering beneath the surface, showing just how much Buck had been hoping for Eddie’s acceptance of this change. And Eddie wanted to throttle every single person who ever made Buck feel like he wasn’t worth everything. To make such a beautiful soul doubt his place in his loved one’s lives.
“Yes I do,” Eddie insisted, unable to resist reaching out with his free hand to cup the side of his friend’s cheek. He waited until he had Buck’s full attention. “You’ve been our family for so long now, and I’m so damn honored that you chose our name for yourself.”
“You are?”
“Si, mi vida. If Christopher and I had it our way, you’d be with us all the time.”
Buck’s smile could rival the sun. It was one of two smiles that Eddie tried daily to earn. And when he had Buck and Christopher both beaming at him at the same time, it always reminded Eddie of everything he had to be grateful for.
“I don’t think the couch isn’t comfortable enough for me to be here all the time,” Buck joked. Eddie could hear, clear in his voice, just how much his words meant to Buck. And he hoped that maybe Buck would love to be with Eddie and Christopher all the time too.
“Maybe not the couch,” Eddie’s voice shook just a little as he added, “My bed is though.”
“Eddie…”
He was overwhelmed with love for this man. For thinking of Eddie and Christopher at one of his lowest points and knowing that they’d welcome Buck into their lives without hesitation.
“You really picked us?”
“I’ll always pick you,” Buck insisted. And that was enough for Eddie to lean the short distance between them and press their lips together. The two of them wound up smiling against each other’s mouths rather than actually kissing but they also knew they now had all the time in the world to get it right.
His lips still against Buck’s, Eddie laughed, “Christopher’s going to lose his mind. He’s gonna be so happy. Oh man… You gotta let me be there when you tell Abuela and Pepa.” He tried to lean in for another light kiss but Buck pulled back far enough to look him in the eye.
“You want me to tell people?”
“Yeah I want you to tell people. You’re a Diaz now. Apparently have been for months. Why change your name if you’re not gonna use it?”
“You’re really okay with it?”
“I’m more than okay with it, Evan Diaz.” He could hear Buck’s breath hitch and Eddie chased the sound with another kiss.
Buck changed his name. He changed his name to one that he associated with family and love. He’d chosen the Diazes as his own and Eddie didn’t know if his heart could be fuller.
Eddie, Evan, and Christopher Diaz, Eddie repeated in his head, thinking of all the future Christmas cards it could be written on.
“I like the way that sounds,” Buck whispered, mirroring Eddie’s own thoughts.
To absolutely no one's surprise, Christopher was the most excited over Buck’s new name. Of course Buck, being Buck, had still been a little worried he’d overstepped, but when he asked Christopher for what had to have been the hundredth time if he was really okay with Buck’s new last name, the ten year old had rolled his eyes and said:
“Duh Buck. This will just make it easier for when you and dad get married.”
And well… Buck and Eddie couldn’t quite argue with that logic.