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It is a summer night in late August and Rachel has been tossing and turning around in her bed restlessly for what feels like hours now. It is the summer before her senior year of high school and it’s so hot out that there’s no chance for her to find sleep anytime soon, but she stays in her bed anyway, on top of her comforter, her limbs outstretched like a starfish, damp hair clutching to the back of her neck and staring at the ceiling.
Whenever she lays like this, not being able to sleep, her mind wanders back to those moments that impacted her life greatly, moments she can’t stop thinking about.
One day at the very beginning of freshman year, she was walking down the hallway, full of motivation and a little too much energy in her step. Across from her locker stood another girl, tall with a high ponytail made up of perfectly blonde waves that were shining golden in the bright fluorescent light of the hall. The girl was wearing one of those red Cheerio uniforms with the ridiculously short skirts. When she turned around, she noticed Rachel staring at her and gave her this curious look. Her green eyes bore into Rachel’s heart and made her knees weak.
That was the day Rachel noticed the girl for the first time.
A few months later, Rachel was sitting alone at her table in the cafeteria and overheard two guys talking to each other: “Dude, have you heard? Finn Hudson is dating Quinn Fabray now.”
“Quinn Fabray, the cheerleader? Dude, she’s the hottest girl at our whole school!”
That was the day Rachel learned the girl’s name.
In the second week of sophomore year, on a Thursday morning, Rachel was sitting in the choir room, playing with her hair lazily as Mr. Schuester was holding a lengthy monologue about the greatness of 80s rock, the girl walked into the room. Trotting behind her were two other cheerleaders, a blonde one and one with dark hair. Mr. Schuester introduced them as Quinn, Brittany and Santana and they sat down at the back of the classroom. After rehearsal, as Rachel was packing up her bag, the girl came up to her to tell her that she had liked Rachel’s rendition of You Found Me by The Fray and that it was one of her favorite bands. “I’m Quinn by the way”, she said and gave Rachel a smile that made her heart light up from the inside.
That was the first time the girl ever spoke to her.
At the end of November, close to Hannukah, Rachel was kneeling in a bathroom stall, behind the girl bent over the toilet, holding up her blonde hair and gently rubbing her back. After a while, the girl sat against the wall next to her, with her head back and her eyes closed. Rachel’s gaze wandered over the soft contour of her face, her blonde neatly plucked eyebrows, her long lashes and the curve of her lips. Then the girl leaned her head on Rachel’s shoulder and she could feel the softness of her hair and smell a faint scent of roses. She didn’t dare move even though her arm was starting to hurt, so she focused on the sweet sensation of the girl’s weight against her body instead.
That was the day Rachel realized she was in love with the girl.
Now, almost two years later, the girl is her best friend and they see each other almost every day. What began with harmless glee club banter has evolved into a real, honest friendship that Rachel holds as close to her heart as nothing else in her life.
Rachel hasn’t told any of her friends about her feelings for Quinn, not even Kurt, who surely would be more than accepting about it, and at this point, she’s not certain if she can hold herself back any longer. She has tried getting over Quinn multiple times already and her mind has acknowledged that she’s just a friend, but her heart doesn’t seem to get the memo, even despite the obvious fact that Quinn is into guys, considering that she literally had a baby with one.
Rachel sighs heavily and presses her palms onto her eyes. The number of times she has to remind herself of the fact that Quinn doesn’t feel the same is becoming ridiculous.
She sits up on her bed and takes a look at her alarm clock: 12:15 AM. The light of the street lamp in front of their house is shining through her blinds and it makes the room appear in a strange twilight.
In that moment, her phone vibrates on her nightstand and lights up with a message. Rachel picks it up and has to squint for a moment because the bright light is blinding her in the otherwise almost dark room.
It is a text from Quinn.
u still up?
Without hesitating, Rachel replies,
Yes.
She waits impatiently for Quinn’s answer and it comes almost immediately.
good bc im kind of in front of ur house
Rachel frowns. She gets up from her bed, still holding her phone in her hand, and crouches down behind the window to peek through the blinds. And really, her best friend is standing in front of the driveway, leaned to the side of her car and smiling up at Rachel’s room. She gestures for her to come down but Rachel hesitates. She types a message to Quinn:
My dads are asleep. I don’t think they’d approve of me sneaking out in the middle of the night.
Quinn looks down at her phone and starts to frown. Rachel watches her as she types a reply, her fingers flying over the keyboard.
so what its mot like they didnt do taht when they were younger
Rachel reads the message but she remains uncertain. When she doesn’t reply after a minute, Quinn sends another message.
come oooon were not 5 anymore
Rachel sighs and shakes her head. She can’t believe she’s doing this right now.
She takes another look at Quinn through the blinds, who is now tapping her foot impatiently on the pavement and has her arms crossed. Then, Rachel gets to her feet and picks up a random dark blue dress with polka dots that’s been lying on a chair besides her bed for a few days now. She puts it on, combs through her hair, grabs a purse to put her phone and keys in and takes another look at herself in the mirror. Her expression is neutral but she can see her eyes glimmering with excitement.
Rachel takes the steps down the stairs extra quietly, holding her breath to avoid making any sound at all. She can hear one of her dads snoring through their bedroom door.
At the bottom of the stairs, she puts on sandals and opens the front door as quietly as possible. She feels the adrenaline rush through her as she slips through it, shuts it behind her and runs down the driveway towards Quinn, who is grinning at her.
They greet each other in a tight hug, their bodies close together, and Rachel can smell a hint of Quinn’s perfume on her neck. It smells like roses. She hears a muffled “Hey” and whispers “Hi” back.
They let go of each other and Rachel looks up into Quinn’s green eyes that are smiling just as much as her mouth is. “I’m so happy to see you.”
Rachel has to put in all the force she has over her body not to blush but simply give a sweet smile. She doesn’t know how to reply to Quinn so she just says: “You know, for someone who likes to read as much as you do, you’re a horrible texter.”
Quinn grins without saying another word, turns to her car and sits in the driver’s seat. Rachel quickly walks around the car to the passenger side and as she shuts the car door, Quinn starts the motor. It is an old Honda that doesn’t run as smoothly anymore as it once did but they both love a lot nevertheless. They start driving and Rachel takes another look back at her house where everything appears just as quiet as it was before she left.
They drive through the empty streets, neither of them saying a word. The car radio is playing ‘So Far Away’ by Carole King quietly. Rachel takes a moment to watch Quinn as she’s holding the steering wheel calmly with one hand, the other one resting on the gear stick. Her blonde hair is falling off her back and she is wearing a white t-shirt and simple shorts. Rachel can’t help but think that she looks beautiful.
After a while, Quinn breaks their silence: “Aren’t you going to ask me where we’re going?”
Rachel smiles to herself: “I would but I figured since you kidnapped me from my home, you would have a plan about where you wanted to take me.”
Quinn just nods: “Fair.”
And so they sit in silence again.
They pass Kurt’s house and Rachel looks up to his bedroom window that is the only one still lit. “I guess he’s having a long night”, Rachel comments.
Quinn looks over and then grins at her knowingly, raising her eyebrows: “I think Blaine’s staying over.”
Rachel giggles and leans her head on the headrest. She feels really happy for Kurt. After the year he’s had, someone like Blaine, who really loves him, is exactly what he deserves. Although she can’t help but feel a little jealous. It seems like everyone in Glee club has found their person by now and is perfectly happy. For them, this relationship-thing just seems to work out flawlessly, where both parties can come to a mutual agreement about their feelings for one another.
Rachel knows exactly who her person is, but she doesn’t seem to mind being single at all and instead seems to prefer it. Rachel understands that Quinn has a hard time trusting boys after Noah got her pregnant, but it probably would be easier for Rachel to see her best friend in a loving relationship with someone of the opposite sex, so she doesn’t have to get her hopes up every time Quinn compliments her outfit.
“I like your dress, by the way”, Quinn says, pulling Rachel out of her daydreams.
Ironically, Rachel’s heart does a little jump and she quickly looks away from Quinn and out of the window to hide her face that’s turning redder by the second.
After that, neither of them says anything for a while and when her face has gone back to normal, Rachel decides to look out the windshield again. She feels Quinn’s eyes on her once or twice but doesn’t dare to look over to her. They are slowly leaving Lima, the buildings beside the road starting to show up more and more sporadically and the light of the street lamps slowly disappearing behind them. The music has changed to a song Rachel doesn’t recognize.
“Okay, now I do kind of believe you’re kidnapping me”, Rachel says, jokingly.
Quinn just smirks to herself: “Don’t worry, we won’t take much longer to get there.”
And she’s right. Only about ten minutes later, they arrive at a deserted parking lot on top of a hill. At one end of the lot is a wide strip of yellow grass that Quinn parks right next to. From here, they can overlook the whole town.
Rachel opens the passenger door and gets out into the pressing heat of the night. It’s already past 1 AM but she has never felt more awake. She walks onto the grass towards the edge of the hill where she can see all of Lima. Behind her, Quinn comes up, carrying a blanket, which she lays down on the ground to sit on. They don’t need any light, since the whole hill is lit up by the moon and the city lights but Quinn has left the car door open so they can still hear the music on the radio. Some song by The Fray, Rachel is bad at memorizing all the titles, is playing quietly in the background.
She sits down next to Quinn on the blanket, each of them enjoying the other’s quiet company for a while. Rachel looks over to Quinn, who is sitting with her hands propped up behind her to give her support. One of her legs is laying loosely on the ground while the other is stood up, bent. She is staring into the distance and her sharp chin and the small gap between her lips look dashingly beautiful. Rachel can’t help but notice Quinn’s firm thighs that are hugged tightly by the shorts. She feels the urge to reach over and touch Quinn’s cheek that’s a little flushed from the heat of the night, gently trace her fingers over her thin arm, connect their hands for a second and continue her journey down her leg…
Rachel has to look away and close her eyes for a second. She takes a deep breath and shakes her head at herself before opening them again. She swallows hard and tries to make the thoughts go away. She hates being like this because she feels like an intruder into Quinn’s personal space. However, she has to recognize that thoughts and situations like this have been occurring to her more frequently in the past few months than she would like to admit.
Quinn, sweet oblivious Quinn, is still looking down at the city as she says: “I love coming here. I’m here almost every night.”
Rachel nods. “I get that. It’s so peaceful.”
“It makes all your problems seem so small.”
Rachel looks back at Quinn and frowns. “What problems?”
The blonde avoids eye contact and only sighs. “You know… life. Future.”
Rachel is still looking at her intently as Quinn opens her mouth just a bit and lets out a tiny “Love”, barely audible.
Rachel wants to ask Quinn what she means by that but the blonde has already continued talking: “I just really wanted to bring you here because out of all the people I know, you were the one I thought would understand the most what I like about this place.”
Quinn has turned her head back and looks at Rachel with an honest expression, her green eyes shining in the light of the town. “Because I feel like you really get me”, she continues.
Rachel swallows hard and prays that her face isn’t turning red, even though she feels the hotness creeping up inside of her. Her heart is beating faster and all she can manage to utter is “I’m happy you feel that way.”
She breaks eye contact and looks at the town to their feet intensely, as if she were looking for something really specific in the distance. She takes a deep breath to calm her nerves. It’s really nice for Quinn to say something like that but Rachel knows exactly how she should take it: as her best friend telling her she trusts her. Yet she can’t help but wish that it meant more.
To change the topic, she asks: “How many people do you think are still awake down there? And how many of them do we know?”
“Kurt and Blaine, maybe”, Quinn jokes and they both have to giggle, Rachel’s throat still feeling a bit tight.
“No but seriously, we should know this town inside out by now. I can’t believe we’ve been living here for over sixteen years. It certainly doesn’t feel that long”, Rachel says.
“You’re right. We can basically see our past right in front of us and just looking at what has happened in the past two years alone feels overwhelming. Like, all of high school, for example.”
Quinn extends one arm to point in the general direction of McKinley High. So Rachel does the same with her old ballet studio. And Quinn with her church. And that’s how they start exchanging memories of their time in Lima.
The music store where Rachel’s dads bought her her first book full of sheet music by Sondheim. The mall in which Kurt organized the Barbra-Vention. The bowling alley where the Glee club celebrated their win at regionals. The little book store where Quinn took Rachel the first time they went into town together. The café they got hot chocolate in in Winter. The park in which they promised each other to always stay friends, even after graduation.
Rachel blinks and a tear makes its way down her cheek. She quickly wipes it away before Quinn can see it, but it’s too late already. Quinn looks honestly concerned and she moves closer and touches Rachel’s arm gently.
“Rachel, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
That’s what really sets off a waterfall in Rachel and tears start streaming down her face. On the outside, she doesn’t even make a noise but inside her, a volcano of emotions erupt that spits out hot lava and leaves Rachel’s body burning.
“It’s just… I’m so scared… “, she tries but chokes on her words.
Quinn puts her arms around her and pulls her in a tight hug, which makes Rachel outright sob. They stay there for a few moments, Quinn rocking her back and forth slowly and stroking her hair gently.
When Rachel has calmed down a bit, she lifts her head and looks at Quinn with an honest expression: “I’m just so scared of what will happen when senior year is over. When we all will go into different directions. I’m really scared of my dreams not working out and me losing all sense of reality because of it. But most of all, I’m scared of losing you. Because you’re the one thing that truly brings me joy in my life, Quinn. You mean so much to me. The world, actually.”
They quietly look at each other for a second, both through tears. “You’re never gonna lose me, alright?” Quinn says in a shaky voice and pulls Rachel into another, even tighter hug, and Rachel feels some of her anxiety breaking away. She closes her eyes and relaxes into the hug and welcomes the relief gladly.
They let go of each other and hold eye contact for another moment. Quinn bites her lip as if she wanted to say something else but then turns her head away, so Rachel does the same. The air is filled with a kind of tension and she doesn’t know exactly how to interpret it.
Thankfully, an upbeat song starts playing on the car radio, one Rachel recognizes immediately: ‘Love Song’ by Sara Bareilles. Quinn jumps up and reaches out her hand to Rachel: “Dance with me? It’ll take your mind off things.” She takes it and Quinn pulls her onto the pavement and immediately starts jumping and throwing her head around.
“I love this song!”, she shouts but Rachel just stands there for a moment, mesmerized. The way Quinn’s body moves, completely in sync with the music, letting go and seemingly without a care in the world gives Rachel a good kind of heartache, because at least she can be here with her to witness this moment, even if it’s just as friends.
Quinn stops to look at her and laughs: “What are you doing just standing there and watching me like a creep?” Before Rachel’s head can turn red again, Quinn grabs her hand and swings her around in circles. Normally, Rachel would be just a bit insecure about her dancing but with Quinn, she feels comfortable enough to just let loose and swing her head around and jump up and down.
During the bridge, they basically scream the lyrics into each other’s faces and start laughing at the same time. It is laughter of relief but also pure joy and the knowledge that this moment, though it may not last forever, will always remain a special memory in their hearts.
They basically fall into each other and stay that way until the song is over. The music changes to a quiet guitar melody and Rachel’s heart does a little jump. It’s ‘Kiss Me’ by Sixpence None The Richer, probably one of the most romantic songs she knows. She holds on tightly to Quinn, noticing all the places at which their bodies touch, Quinn’s hands on her sides, their torsos pressed together, soft hair brushing against her cheek. She smells the faint scent of roses and feels completely at home.
She looks up to Quinn and she is looking at her too, a soft expression in her eyes. Rachel’s heart skips a beat and she barely notices that they have stopped swaying and are now standing in the middle of the parking lot, closely pressed together. All Rachel can focus on are Quinn’s deep, thoughtful, green eyes and her pink lips, perfectly curved and slightly opened.
Their faces inch closer and just as the chorus starts, she closes her eyes and their lips connect softly, barely touching, but the sensation sends a spark down Rachel’s spine anyway. The kiss is over way too soon and they stare at each other, both in disbelief but neither in aversion.
For a moment, they don’t say or do anything and Rachel’s whole body tenses up with a kind of yearning she has never felt before. Surely, this couldn’t have been it.
Quinn takes a step back, suddenly feeling self-conscious because of the lack of reaction on Rachel’s part. “Did I… do something wrong?”
Rachel’s eyes widen in disbelief and she shakes her head forcefully: “God, no, please, just…” She takes a step towards her and places her hand on her arm.
“Please, Quinn, kiss me again.”
And so Quinn does.
This time, they are much less hesitant in pressing their lips together and Rachel feels her whole body start to tingle. She flings her arms around Quinn’s neck in order to eliminate as much space between them as possible and Quinn cups her face with one hand, stroking her cheek with her thumb, the other hand resting on her hip.
Rachel opens her mouth slightly and lets her tongue slip over Quinn’s bottom lip, causing Quinn to dig her fingers into Rachel’s hip and open her mouth as well. Quinn pushes Rachel backwards until they crash into the side of the car, so that Rachel is leaning on it with her back.
Rachel actually welcomes the support because she fears her legs might give in with the way Quinn is kissing her right now, full of heat and emotion, as if her life depended on it.
After a while, they break away from each other, both of them panting, their lips red and slightly swollen. They stop for a moment, just looking at each other, before breaking out into giggles. Rachel lets her head fall onto Quinn’s shoulder and Quinn pulls her into a tight hug.
“God, I’ve been wanting to do that forever”, Rachel says between laughter.
“I know”, Quinn replies, jokingly. “You’re not as low-key as you think, you know? But to be honest, I was just as scared as you were to make a move.”
Rachel looks up at Quinn with confusion in her eyes: “Really?” Quinn nods as an answer. “Well, why were you scared, when you knew that I felt this way?”
“Believe it or not, it actually took me a really long time to realize that I had those same feelings for you. But this just proved me absolutely right.”
Rachel shakes her head with a grin and rests it back on Quinn’s shoulder. Quinn caresses her back slowly as she whispers: “Oh and by the way, you mean the world to me, too.”
---
Quinn falls onto the blanket, pulling Rachel with her and suddenly they’re lying on the ground, Rachel half on top of Quinn, with her head resting on her chest. The music in the background is only a muffling noise against the ever-present beating of Quinn’s heart under her ribcage, that acts like an anchor to Rachel.
Neither of them says anything but the holding hands, caressing fingers on flushed cheeks and softly placed kisses on necks and chins and lips are a clearer language than any words would ever be.
Everything that needed to be said has been said; that they love each other. As friends and as more than friends. That they mean the world to each other. That they will never give up on each other, not ever.
Quinn’s heavy, steady breathing calms Rachel after a night of emotional ups and downs, tension and relief, love and comfort, making her drift away into a light sleep. She is with her person and in the dawning of a new morning at the end of a hot August, Rachel has finally found peace.