Work Text:
1.
It happens during a normal afternoon at Chuuya's place. He's sitting on his bed and Dazai is sleeping next to him, wearing one of Chuuya's hoodies which is way too small for them, their wrists showing his milky-white skin and their mouth slightly open. They were watching Clueless again, because they both claim to hate this kind of movie but, c'mon, no one really does. The movie is still playing though, but Chuuya is busy thinking about something else today to pay attention to it.
He's kind of having an identity crisis at the moment. He tried to talk about it with his parents and his sister, but they just don't get what he means, which is weird because he's been pretty clear about it.
He doesn't really feel connected to his womanhood. He feels like he's wearing a mask, a costume, all the time. He doesn't want to be treated like a girl.
Maybe it's just internalized misogyny?
But he also doesn't want to be friends with people as a girl and mostly he doesn't feel comfortable dating guys as one. He loves his boyfriend, he really does, but it's weird sometimes to be with him. When people say things like "You're lucky to have him, he's every girl's dream, at least in our year," he just wants to ask why just every girl's dream and not boy's.
"Hey" a voice reaches his ears, a very sleepy one.
"Oh, you're up."
"Yeah, I had a weird dream."
Yes, please Dazai, talk about nonsense shit until Chuuya stops thinking.
"We were on a boat, I think," Dazai starts talking confusedly, with his arms crossed on his closed eyes, "and there were like dolphins dancing in the water." Chuuya looks at them confused, even if Dazai can't see him. "But it was weird because apparently, the dolphins dancing was like a sign of a disaster coming. Titanic kind of thing. And the captain was telling us to jump in the water and stop them but we didn't want to, obviously."
"What the fuck, Dazai."
"And we were both dudes, for some reason. You were kind of hot, I almost fell in love with you."
Shit.
Of course. Of fucking course.
"... what? Why?"
"I don't know, but I often dream about not being a girl, you know? But mostly it's about being an animal or something. Once I dreamt I was a dog and my owner made me kill a fox. I should search what it means."
Dazai finally gets up and goes on his phone to search for the meaning of his stupid dreams, while Chuuya tries not to cry.
We were both dudes, for some reason. You were kind of hot.
Chuuya's mind is already picturing him as a boy and he feels like throwing up.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck.
His chest feels empty and since when are his arms so heavy? His head hurts. Shit.
Him, as a boy.
Shit.
"It says that dreams regarding transformation into an animal indicate less civilized and less restrained thoughts and feelings. Another interpretation revolves around repressed primal desires and instinctu-"
"Would it be weird if I was?"
"An animal? Yeah."
"No, fucking idiot. If I was a guy."
Dazai finally stops looking at their phone and their eyes meet Chuuya's, who's too scared to speak. He doesn't even know what he's scared for.
"I- I guess? If you just turned into a dude overnight I mean."
Chuuya silently nods.
Dazai sits on his bed again but doesn't say anything more, they keep reading articles about dreams like nothing happened.
But Chuuya needs to ask them, because it can't be just him in the whole world to feel like this.
"Do you ever-" he clears his throat, looking around nervously, "do you ever wish you were a dude?"
Dazai looks at him.
Well, that's a question he wasn't really prepared for.
"Yeah," Dazai simply says while putting his phone in the pocket of his pants, "it would be great to be able to walk alone at night without the fear of being murdered, or worse. And periods suck." Dazai thinks about it for a few seconds, before speaking again. "Do you? Is it like a sexual thing or something? Like a kink?"
Chuuya stays silent. Dazai is so fucking dumb sometimes.
"I- Yeah."
But that's not what this is all about. He could try to convince himself that it is; that he just wants to experience the male privilege. Or that maybe it is actually a kink or something.
He knows it would be like lying to himself though.
"Actually, no, I didn't mean it like that. I was referring to something like, I don't know, wearing men's clothes and looking like a dude, not a girl who's wearing masculine clothes." Chuuya takes a deep breath, "I'd like to be with a guy... as a guy."
"Oh."
Yeah, oh.
"I'm just saying stupid shit I'm sorry, forget everything-"
"No, no," Dazai takes Chuuya's wrist in their hand to stop him from getting up, "it's not stupid. I'm just surprised."
Chuuya exhales deeply and slowly, finally relaxing a bit. It feels good to say it out loud.
"Thanks."
And Chuuya thinks that the conversation is over, but this is Dazai we're talking about. His friend doesn't just let conversations like this one end.
"Maybe you're trans."
And after that, Chuuya starts crying. He said it: Dazai said the word and now there's no coming back. Chuuya's mind stops working, he just keeps crying until he's sobbing his eyes out. He's not stupid, he knows what being trans means and yes, he thought about it, but it was just a weird experience to associate with himself. He's not ready to tell people about it. They will ask questions he's not able to answer, but he will have to come out to change his name. How will his parents react? His boyfriend? He's fucking scared of doctors and hospitals and all that shit, he doesn't want to go on testosterone and get surgeries. He knows he doesn't have to, but what if he has to be taken seriously by other people? Does this also mean he's gay? There's nothing wrong with it but, Christ, it's too much and all at once. People like him get killed and disowned every day. He doesn't want to die. He doesn't want to leave his family, he loves them and-
And Dazai is hugging him.
His head against Dazai's chest, their knees slightly touching. Dazai's left hand is on his hair, massaging his head slowly; the other hand is on Chuuya's back, going up and down, caressing him. His hands are soft. The whole hug feels safe, like coming home for the first time in years. Dazai is whispering a bunch of words Chuuya doesn't even understand, but it's enough to make him calm down a bit.
When Chuuya stops crying, Dazai makes their eyes meet again. Surprisingly, Chuuya's the one who talks first.
"I'm not ready for this."
"It's okay, we'll figure it out."
2.
After a few months, Chuuya is out and proud.
At least, Dazai thinks so.
He cut his hair, it only reaches his ears now. He started wearing some men's clothes- not like Chuuya ever wore skirts or dresses anyway, but now he wears men's pants. Which is exciting, he says, "The pockets are deeper!"
Esthetically, nothing much changed. Internally though, he's like the best version of himself.
He's told his close friends about his new name and pronouns and everyone is fine with it. They treat him like every other dude; his guy friends even helped him with the new haircut and went with him to buy some new clothes. It's about the small things, really. Little things that make Chuuya the happiest and add light to his eyes. Dazai loves seeing him like this.
Being with the "new" Chuuya, or the real one, whatever you want to call it, is amazing. Dazai can see how confident and comfortable his friend finally is. Which also made his friend kind of attractive and now Dazai has a crush on Chuuya, but whatever, this is not the important thing right now.
What's important right now is that Chuuya is in front of them, on their porch, and is crying.
Dazai knows a lot about Chuuya and obviously knows how to deal with his feelings.
Chuuya doesn't cry though, like ever. Dazai doesn't know how to handle a crying Chuuya. When he cried in his arms because Dazai suggested that maybe he was trans, well, that was the first time Dazai ever saw Chuuya cry.
So Dazai is still trying to understand what a crying Chuuya needs, but one thing is for sure: when Chuuya cries he doesn't know how to stop and he doesn't silently cry, no, he sobs uncontrollably. And loudly.
"What happened?"
Chuuya looks at them like they just asked the most atrocious question. His eyes are red, his whole face is. His lips are shaking and Dazai doesn't know what the fuck should they do.
So he does what worked the last time.
Dazai hugs his friend, part of his arm around his waist. The same arm starts going up and down on Chuuya's back, slowly. Their free arm reaches Chuuya's hair; Dazai moves his hand a bit like he's both caressing and massaging his friend's head. Chuuya's against his chest again and after a bit, he starts to squeeze his best friend.
After a few minutes, Chuuya stops sobbing - he's still crying, but at least he breathes now.
"Will you tell me what happened?"
Chuuya closes his eyes and inhales deeply.
"You were right."
"What?" Dazai tried to break the hug, but Chuuya's not ready to let them go so the squeezing comes back.
"I talked to him. About me."
Oh.
"When I came out he- he said it was fine. That he loved me, not my gender. And I fucking believed him like an idiot, even if you told me it was weird for him to not even ask questions or anything." Dazai stays silent. He hates Chuuya's boyfriend, okay, but they didn't expect him to actually be transphobic. Shit. "We were just talking and I asked him if he would date other guys after me and you know what he said? He said he would never date a man because he's straight."
Shit.
Dazai wants to say something, but Chuuya just keeps talking. "I was confused because, you know, he's a man and he's dating another man so he's obviously not straight and he said I don't count. Fuck. Fucking hell." He breaks the hug and starts wiping his tears away.
Shit.
"He's a jerk, he's always been."
Chuuya just nods; he isn't crying anymore.
"And you deserve so much better."
Chuuya's tears come back again, "Do I?" he asks with a wavering voice.
Dazai feels like crying too right now. Shit.
"Yes," he doesn't hug Chuuya again, but they start wiping his tears immediately with their hands — they're basically cupping Chuuya's whole face right now, their thumbs moving to remove the tears under Chuuya's eyes, "you do. Shit, everyone deserves better. Remember when you two started dating and he started saying stuff about existentialism? Oh, and thank God he recommended you that underground band, what are they called? Ah yes, Radiohead." Dazai says sarcastically and Chuuya laughs a bit, still crying but at least not as dramatically as before.
They stay like that, talking just out of Dazai's house, until Chuuya says that he's tired.
They go into Dazai's room and sit on his bed, their backs against the wall and the laptop playing The Fault In Our Stars on their legs. Chuuya is silently watching the movie - or he's just staring in front of him, Dazai isn't sure. Dazai notices how he can't stop giving himself pinches on the wrists; after all these years with Chuuya, Dazai knows pinching himself means that he wants to say something but he's too nervous to speak.
Dazai is the one who breaks the silence first. "This movie is shit."
"Yeah."
"He's not even hot and everything he says is embarrassing, he's trying so hard to be deep it makes me want to kill myself. Reminds me of someone."
Chuuya giggles a bit at that, still with a weird voice because of his crying.
"I'm sorry."
Dazai stops the movie.
"Don't."
"No, listen, I know it makes you uncomfortable when people cry in front of you - also, it makes me uncomfortable when I cry in front of you, but that's beside the point. I'm sorry I start crying every five minutes, I'm sorry I came here while you probably had something else to do. You have your own problems, I can't just show up here and cry about a douchebag like breaking up with your boyfriend is the worst thing ever and-"
"Chuuya, God, shut up." Chuuya actually does and starts staring in front of him, waiting for Dazai to speak. "Don't apologize for coming to me when you feel down ever again, alright? Your own boyfriend invalidated your identity and you have every right to cry over it." Dazai doesn't want to say the next words, really, but it's necessary. "You- you loved him. No, you love him, and he hurt you because he's a piece of shit. A transphobic piece of shit. That's how friendships work: people treat you like garbage, you come to me crying and I stay by your side. I do it because you would do the same for me and mostly because I want to. So shut up, cry as much as you want but don't apologize for this kind of stuff."
No one says a word after that and the movie starts playing again.
"Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course."
"Sometimes," Chuuya gulps, trying to find the right words, "sometimes I feel like I'm a burden to everyone who knows me - because of the whole being trans thing, mostly. It's out of character for me, I know, but I just do. It's embarrassing because it's so fucking stupid to feel this way, but I can't help it." Dazai nods, struggling to find an answer.
Chuuya starts speaking again. "You make it all better though, obviously."
Obviously.
3.
Then it happens.
It happens at school, during their history class. Dazai is looking outside of the window and Chuuya is sitting next to him, pretending to listen while drawing stuff on his book.
But then Dazai gets bored, so they take one of Chuuya's pens and start writing on their own book.
I'm bored
Chuuya looks at the words and nods like he's silently saying, "Yup, me too."
Dazai starts writing again.
Do something
Like what?
I don't know
Then die
Dazai pretends to be offended and crosses his arms on his chest.
Chuuya rolls his eyes and starts writing something on his book.
Did you hear about Gin ?
About their coming out? Yes, they made it a big deal, telling everyone right away
I think it's cool, you know?
That Gin is genderfluid?
Yup, now I'm not the only trans person in the whole school, it feels great
Why does it matter?
I don't know, it felt kind of lonely, being the only non-cis person and all that
Dazai doesn't respond at that. They want to say something so bad, they just don't know how to.
Maybe right now is the best time to do it, now having to say it out loud and stuff.
He writes something on the page of Chuuya's history book but puts his hand in a way that makes it impossible to read until he's finished.
They're not the only one
Chuuya looks at his friend, confused. He writes a question mark next to Dazai's words.
I don't really consider myself a girl
"WHAT?"
"Do you have something you want to share with the class, Nakahara?"
"Uh," his classmates laugh a bit, "no, sorry."
Dazai is laughing too. Shithead.
Stop with the shit, what do you mean?
Nothing, I've just been thinking about it and I don't think I really feel connected with womanhood and all that
"Seriously? You're not fucking with me, right?" Chuuya whispers.
"I'm serious."
They stay silent for a bit, both pretending to pay attention.
That is until Chuuya starts writing again.
Do you still want me to use she/her and your name with you?
Dazai gulps, but answers right away (his hands are shaking and his heartbeat is hurting his chest but whatever).
I'd prefer they/them... he/him is fine too
When Chuuya finishes reading, the class ends and everyone starts getting up to go to their next class. Chuuya and Dazai start putting their stuff in their backpacks; the silence between them is atrocious.
Before they go separate ways, Dazai stops his friend.
"Do you think Osamu would suit me?"
Chuuya has to think a few seconds to understand that Dazai is referring to a new name. He smiles at him softly. "Yeah."
Dazai nods, awkwardly standing there before speaking again. "Can you not tell anyone? I- Um, I don't think I'm ready to let everyone know."
Chuuya's smile grows, "I won't tell anyone, this remains between me and you until you decide otherwise. You can trust me."
Dazai starts breathing again.
4.
"What happened?"
Chuuya looks at Dazai; it takes a bit for him to understand what his friend said, he has been staring into the void for at least five minutes.
"Nothing."
Dazai snorts, "You suck at lying."
"Shut up."
Dazai stands up to take his chair and puts it in front of Chuuya's - the librarian of their school looks at them angrily because of the noise. "I will if you tell me what happened."
Chuuya finally gives in, not for anything but his physical need to tell someone about it. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone - actually, I'm not even supposed to know." He sighs and then drops the bomb, "I think my parents are going to divorce."
Dazai is too stunned to speak, because what the fuck? Paul and Arthur are perfect for each other, why would they?
Chuuya keeps talking, "I don't know what happened, I was going to pee last night and I heard them in the kitchen talking about it. They said they don't know how to tell me and Kouyou - I should tell her first, but I don't know how to. Shit. I didn't expect them to do such a thing, I mean, they act as in love as always - they're good actors I guess, but, shit, for how long have they been pretending to be in love for our sake? I- I don't know what to do."
"Hey, hey, stop," Dazai puts their hand on Chuuya's knee, "you don't have to do anything. They're the adults, they're the ones who are supposed to tell Kouyou and make this work. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here."
Chuuya nods while looking at his knees. "Can we stay at your place today?"
Dazai giggles, "Is this why you wanted to study in the school's library instead of going home today?" Chuuya nods, still not looking at his friend in the eyes. Dazai starts picking up his stuff and putting it in the backpack; that's when Chuuya finally looks at them and, "C'mon, we need to go before the librarian kills us."
Chuuya smiles for the first time that day and starts picking up his stuff. He feels so lucky to have Dazai by his side.
5.
"...I mean, it's fine if you don't want to tell your best friend your secrets. We're not as close as I thought, I guess."
"Chuuya, shut up."
"No, it's fine, seriously. I'm not offended at all."
"It's not really that big of a deal."
"Osamu," Dazai smiles at the name, because since they told Chuuya about their new name he keeps using it even if Chuuya hates calling him anything but Dazai, "you don't want me to look at your emails and when I tried to you looked like I was going to tell the police that you committed manslaughter."
"Privacy."
"It's just fucking emails! What, have you been buying dildos or something?"
"No."
"Then what the fuck are you hiding from me?"
Dazai sighs. They really hate Chuuya when he's like this (they don't actually, but they try to convince themselves they do).
"My mom wants me to change school." Chuuya, for the first time in hours, doesn't say a word. So Dazai keeps talking. "She wants me to live with her. I told her I didn't want to, but she made me do the test to enter this private school in her city- and I just received the email which tells me that I passed."
Chuuya is looking at his shoes, his hands in his pockets. His lips are trembling. He's so angry right now, his face feels hot.
But he tries to make his voice sound as calm as possible.
"Are you going away?"
The words fall into the silence of the room. It feels like the minimum noise would break this moment, but neither of them is ready to speak.
They wait. Chuuya finally looks at Dazai and he looks like he's about to cry, which is terrifying because Dazai Osamu doesn't cry. Ever.
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"Okay."
"Chuuya," Dazai gets up, since he was sitting on the bed and the distance between him and Chuuya was making him go insane, "I'm not going. That- that is not my life. That's her life and she wants me to drag me into that shit. I know what staying with her implies; junkies are all the same. They say they love you and they will stop for you but they don't and then you have to call the ambulance when you're eleven because your mom is not waking up and there are spoons everywhere."
"I don't want you to go there," Chuuya says; it sounds like a whisper, "you always feel like shit when you spend time with her. If you had to spend days, months- or years alone with your mom I-" he stops himself. "I don't want you to go through that again."
"I won't."
"I don't want you to leave."
The words that escape Chuuya's mouth are heavy. Dazai feels something cozy in their chest; his cheeks and ears start to get warm, the skin of his hands feels tight.
"I won't," Dazai repeats himself, he feels like a machine who keeps saying the same words over and over again but he can't help it.
Chuuya nods, breathing loudly. "Promise?"
"Promise."
They stay like that for a bit; awkwardly standing in the middle of Chuuya's room, playing with their hands and their hair. That is until Dazai speaks again.
"I'm terrified." Chuuya looks at them. He sees the watery eyes of his friend and he wants to say something, but it's not the right moment. Dazai needs to talk. "Want to know a real secret? I'm fucking terrified of my own mother. I'm scared one day she's going to make me leave my dad, my friends, my life, you. She's so fucking selfish and doesn't even realize it and I'm tired of pretending to feel indifferent toward her. I'm scared she's going to fuck her life up even more and I'm scared to be part of her life because of it. She acts like everything is fine, like we can just be a normal mother with her normal son but we're not. She's a drug addict and I'm fucked up. I wish I could just hate her but I can't." Dazai stops himself, trying to find the right words to end his speech. "She's just like me, you know? And that's how she copes. I don't— I don't want to become like her."
Tears stream down Dazai's face and Chuuya makes him sit on the bed. He sits next to him, with a hand on Dazai's knee and the other on his shoulder. He doesn't know what to do, but the thing about Chuuya is that he always tries.
"You're so much better than that and you know it." He starts with a soft voice. Dazai hides his eyes with his fingers, while Chuuya starts to caress their back. "Your mom has bad coping mechanisms because she always refuses to actually get help. You go to therapy weekly, you don't have to worry about it." He inhales deeply, trying to find the courage to speak. Dazai is breathing loudly, their face still covered by their own hands, but they're nodding as Chuuya talks. "And you will always have me. I won't let you ruin your life."
Dazai finally looks at him. "Promise?"
"Promise."
+1
Dazai loves being alone, usually. It makes them feel safe.
But if there's one thing Dazai loves more than being alone is staying with Chuuya. Since his mom tried to make him change school he feels on the edge all the time; sometimes his hands start shaking and the whole thing expands itself until their entire body can't stop moving and breathing gets hard. They're scared and they don't really know how to cope, but Chuuya does. He always knows these things. When Dazai feels like this, Chuuya always tells them to look at him in the eyes and to breathe with him. He takes Dazai's hand and caresses the back of their hand with his thumb, he buys them books when he knows they're feeling down (and always picks the ones he knows Dazai will like because they know each other that well), he tucks them in when they fall asleep while watching a movie, he helps them with schoolwork when they miss entire weeks of school. He's always there when they need him.
So, Dazai is not alone tonight; he's at Chuuya's, sleeping in Chuuya's bed next to him - or at least he was. He woke up after a nightmare, but luckily they didn't wake Chuuya up.
Now they're staring at their best friend because it makes them feel safe, knowing that someone who cares so deeply is next to them.
Chuuya's bed is small for two people, but Dazai wanted to sleep as close as possible to him and Chuuya didn't question it. If they both sleep on their side the space is not that big of a problem.
They're face to face right now, though. Chuuya's mouth is a bit open; he makes little puffs.
He looks so beautiful it hurts to look at him. It makes Dazai angry how beautiful he is, because normally people have something very pretty - like eyes, nose, lips - and the rest of their face is just okay or even ugly. But no, everything about Chuuya's face is beautiful; his thin lips, his big blue eyes, his nose, his cheeks adorned with light freckles that are hard to see if you're not really close to his face. His hair - so soft and always with the sweetest smell. Dazai misses his long hair, but it's fine. Chuuya looks pretty anyway. Dazai wishes he could kiss him.
Yeah, he does. He's tired of pretending he doesn't.
"Hey, Chuuya," Dazai whispers, trying to not wake Chuuya up, "I think I'm falling in love with you." They don't like to keep secrets from Chuuya, so it had to be said. Chuuya doesn't have to hear it though - it would ruin their friendship and Dazai is not dumb, they know that Chuuya is going through a lot right now. It's not the right moment to stress him out even more with their dumb feelings. They decide to speak (whisper) again. "But this has to remain between me and you, okay? It'll be our secret, at least for a bit. Until I find the courage to tell someone else. Promise to not tell anyone?" Dazai waits for an answer, smiling softly at their best friend. They know Chuuya isn't going to respond, but they feel like waiting anyway, until they answer themselves, "Promise."