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He resented him. A bitter taste overwhelmed him every time he saw him. This man had ruined his life. He'd brought nothing but chaos. He should hate this man. He should feel every negative emotion that could be named by man towards the one standing right in front of him.
So why?
Why did he not hate him? He didn't feel anything negative towards him, but he didn't feel anything positive either, yet he couldn't say that he was completely numb and indifferent because God knows the storm that swarms inside his chest every single time he had the minimum interaction with him. He didn't know what to feel or to say or to do anymore.
Why? Why was it that he simply couldn't get himself to hate him?
Why? Why was it that he was the cause of all of his miseries, yet at the same time, he was the first one to comfort him when he most needed it?
Why? Why was it that at that exact moment, that he felt like he was on the brim of shattering and completely losing himself, unwinding the madness that had been silently sleeping inside of him all of this time, did this man look the most comforting; with his arms stretched out invitingly, the glow of the white light behind him encircling every crevice, every nick, every curve, outlining him in an almost heavenly glow?
Why, was he so tempted to hug the devil?
This man who knew exactly when and where to touch him whenever he felt as if he was drowning. He knew how and why to look at him, every single one of his buttons deliberately pushed at a predetermined time. The same man who had pushed him into the sea in which he was drowning, the cause of all those poison-inflicted glares. The only one who was able to create something warm sprout from the deepest corners of his being and spread through his entire body.
It just didn't make sense. It didn't make sense why he was feeling warm when he should be nothing short of a glacier the moment he saw him. It didn't make sense why he was almost willing to drown, to fill his lungs with toxic water and feel his chest burn only to wait for that hand to reach out to him and save him. It didn't make sense why he was waking everyday craving for that touch and to be held in the devil's clutches.
Yohan opened the door, immediately noticing how quiet everything was. He'd come earlier than usual, and normally he'd expect to hear Gaon and Elijah playing around. He amused himself, noticing how used he was to have them around bringing whatever normality he was allowed to have.
Back in Korea up until Gaon's appearance in his life, it had always been him and Elijah. He had to admit, he wasn't necessarily the best at parenting. It was a first for him and he didn't claim to have done the best of jobs, but at the very least, they had survived. Even if it was in that gloomy, dark, and cold mansion, they were alive to a point where for Yohan, that was living. Of course, the presence of a certain naive baby deer had to completely reprioritize his standards for "living". Gaon had been that light that brought life back to a place that he'd once thought of as hopeless.
Now, even though they'd left everything behind and didn't live in what could only be described as a small castle, the place had never felt cold, not once since they decided to call that place home. It was still big and extravagant, yet it was very different from his old house; cozier, warmer.
He left his things in the entrance, hanging his coat on the rack by the door and quietly making his way around. The living room was empty, the TV was off and everything was just the way it was when he left that morning. He felt a sudden pressure on his chest and his stomach began to turn into what he could only assimilate to fear. Where were they?
He went to the kitchen, only to see it was also empty, not a single utensil on the dish rack. He then climbed the stairs and checked both his and Elijah's bedrooms, both empty and beds untouched.
As his anxiety set deeper in his gut, Yohan's breath started to pick up and he started to open every door to every room. All empty.
He finally opened the door to his office at the very end of the hallway. The sound of his beating heart was so loud, almost as if it was beating right beside his ear. At last, he opened the door to reveal a sleeping Gaon. He was curled on the couch in the corner, a blanket draped over his lap and a book tucked beneath his hands. He noticed the empty mug of tea on the table in front of him and he finally felt his heart calm down. Gosh, he could almost feel his blood pressure spiking.
With a tilt of his head, Yohan stared at the sleeping man, eyes wandering over his face, tracing every one of his features with his gaze alone. The corners of his lips twitched slightly upwards. He was really there.
Gaon stirred, waking up the moment he sensed the sun being blocked and he had to blink a few times, trying to adjust his eyes. His mind was hazy, taking some time to start up as his eyes climbed up to the figure standing in front of him. It wasn't hard to recognize who it was, always showered in expensive suits. Who else would it be but the devil himself?
"You're back." He mumbled, adjusting himself, feeling his neck was about to crack from the uncomfortable position.
"And you're sleeping on my couch, again. You know there's a large bed only a couple of rooms down the hallway? It's all yours."
"Not true. To my luck, I have to share it every night with a blanket stealing adult-child."
Yohan limited himself to glaring at the younger, seeing how Gaon smiled sluggishly. He then reached forward, pressing his hands on his shoulders to help himself sit properly before leaving a chaste kiss on his lips.
"You came early."
The elder smiled, kissing him again before making his way to his desk, sitting down and taking a few files from a cabinet. "Not much to do. This place is not nearly as interesting as Korea."
Gaon scoffed. "You have a weird depiction of what's interesting. Almost getting yourself killed every other day and having psychotic women nearly cornering you up by annihilating everything precious to you isn’t exactly what most would consider interesting.”
Yohan could only build up a small humorless snort under his breath. Well, he’d never say he was a conventional man either way. His life was a box of surprises after all and Gaon should be more than accustomed to it by now. It was bemusing how long he’d actually lasted standing beside the ticking bomb that was Kang Yohan. Most would’ve long lost it and ran away as fast as they could. What was even more amusing was probably the depth their relationship had reached. Not only had he stayed beside him, but he indulged himself by doing so. Perhaps this baby deer of his wasn’t as innocent as he appeared.
“Where’s Elijah? She wasn’t in her room when I came.” He said, trying to appear as absentminded as he could convoke, his eyes roaming through documents and files that he would rather leave for another time. Every one of those cases bored him to the core, not a single one sparked nearly an edge of the appeal he used to experience back then.
Seeing from the corner of his eye, he subtly followed the younger one’s movements as he stood up from his place on the couch and walked towards the bookshelf, placing the book back before making his way towards his desk. This man had long developed a habit of shamelessly sitting on the corner of his desk. What a brat.
“She’s at a friend's house. Said they had a project to work on.” He leaned back, taking a look at the files sprawled over the surface of the desk. Yohan was right about none of those being necessarily exciting but at least none posed a risk of turning into an overcomplicated plot against their lives
Yohan didn’t move, his eyes still focused on the pile of work in front of him. He’d barely made a sound to tell him he heard him. They fell into relative silence until the only sound that could be heard was that of the flipping of papers and the occasional slide of a pen over paper.
Now, Gaon was used to living with Yohan and Elijah by this point. They were what others would call a family of sorts. It could be labeled as dysfunctional to a degree, but they were a family nonetheless. There was no doubt on that as it could be said that they were the closest and most beloved to each other. The world could be falling apart and none would bat an eye as long as they had each other. Quite poetic in a way.
Of course, living with someone like Kang Yohan wasn’t easy either. The man was stubborn and could be hard to deal with. He was also endlessly petty when he wanted to and complete tease when he believed there was nothing better than to corner Gaon into one of his mind games that usually ended with the younger pinned to the closest surface.
In order to survive, Gaon had to learn how to play this game, and boy did he learn. To many, the young judge would often be seen as naive. He was sweet and gentle, polite and well-mannered with a strong sense of justice, and quite charismatic if he wanted to. To Yohan, he was once the perfect pawn, so much that he’d desperately wanted him on his side. To have him where his eyes could always follow him and just his mere presence was enough to reassure him that he would win every match he fazed.
Now, Gaon was to a level, still, somewhat innocent and more often than he’d like to admit, would fall into the traps that this family would set for him. Elijah was, after all, raised by Yohan and she’d naturally inherited many of his traits. Apparently, teasing Gaon into oblivion was one of those traits. So what else could this man do but to build up his tolerance and start playing himself?
He was way bolder than anyone had anticipated, playing tricks of his own, and soon enough, he’d gotten the hang of taking the first step from time to time. He’d figured that taking the initiative could be quite gratifying when he proposed himself so.
With a small push, Gaon got off the desk, walking slowly around it until he stood right behind Yohan’s chair. Without uttering a word, he placed both hands on his shoulders as he slowly slid down, hands roaming lower over his chest until his head was right beside Yohan’s as he fiddled with the end of the red tie around his neck.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Yohan’s voice came low under his breath. It was, still, firm, but Gaon had heard him way too many times to know when something was beginning to quiver inside him.
“What do you think I’m doing?” His response retorted with a question and he knew that what he was playing at could be mildly dangerous and maybe he was biting more than he could chew but he was betting exactly on that.
Regardless, his hands didn’t stop as they moved again to begin undoing the first few buttons of his white dress shirt, loosening the tie and he could almost feel as his chest expanded with the new flow of air before stopping momentarily for a few seconds. His eyes stared at the other man’s hand, fingers still wrapped around the pen yet it remained unmoving. It’d been like that for a few seconds now.
“Gaon.” His voice was low with a certain edge to it that was meant to come off as a threat.
A shiver ran down his spine as the adrenaline began to rush in his veins and his mind could only think of ways how to rail him even further. Gosh, he’d really gone mad by this point. This was no different than poking a bear with a stick. He was playing all of his cards and he knew it was risky and may end up with him unable to leave the bed for the next few days but that was exactly what he was aiming at.
A hum passed through his throat, the sound feigning innocence as he knew this was Yohan he was playing with. The man wouldn’t back away even if he was paid to. His hands slid lower and lower, ready to gamble until the last of his chances when he felt a strong hand grip his wrist and in a swift motion, Gaon was pushed against the desk, his back arched as Yohan pushed against him. In an attempt to find some sort of balance and spare himself from what would certainly be painstaking backache, his hands came to support his body weight on each side.
Yohan was firmly pressing both hands onto the wooden surface, caging him. His eyes nearly melted a hole through his skull, so intense that Gaon had to look away. The fact that he now knew how to play didn’t mean he had mastered it yet and it was occasions like this in which he became flustered and he began to regret his recklessness.
“You’re playing a dangerous game here, Judge Kim.” Yohan’s voice was calm as usual, but Gaon could hear the light restraint at the end of his sentence and that left him shaking internally, wondering how much further he could keep pushing until that thin thread of sanity in the elder’s eyes snapped.
Gaon smiled innocently once again, a vast contrast to his lower body pushing forward as if their bodies weren’t close enough to practically merge together. “You’re cruel, you know?”
Upon hearing those words, Yohan wasn’t sure why, but they felt sharp as a razor and his skin began to burn. He? He was the cruel one? Coming from anyone else, Yohan would’ve probably taken it as a compliment. It wasn’t the first time someone told him to his face how ruthless he could be, but now, as he stared at the younger man in front of him saying those words that weighed on his chest, his mind began to spiral.
It wasn’t pain what he felt. Far from it actually, he had an urge to prove him wrong. Or rather, to show him that he had been nothing but merciful towards him all along. Cruelty ran through his system like blood cells, he wasn’t a stranger to it, and up until his current situation, he doesn’t recall a single moment where he wasn’t being merciful to this baby deer that had stumbled in his way, becoming entangled in a web of miseries and hidden secrets.
A conspicuous brow raised on the man’s forehead, looking at Gaon as if he had just tried to joke with him. “I am the one being cruel?” He pressed further, his hands leaving Gaon’s wrists only to settle a firm grip on his hips. “I beg to disagree.”
Now it was time for Gaon to scoff and raise an eyebrow. His arms snaked up to rest over Yohan’s shoulders. “How so?”
“I believe you are way crueler.”
“And do you have any evidence?”
Yohan’s hands began to travel lower and lower until they reached the back of his thighs, lifting Gaon so he sat on the edge of the desk.
“For starters, how about that time where you openly rejected me and confessed your love for someone else on my face right after.” He had moved so his lips grazed the shell of his ear, whispering in an airy voice.
The topic of Soohyun didn’t affect him anymore. Not as much at least. After months of nightmares, a retell after another of that tragic day, Gaon had come to accept that the past was in the past. Soohyun had once been his entire world, his reason to keep pushing forward in this corrupt world that had nothing to offer but misfortunes. And just maybe, she was the reason why he kept holding on to that last sliver that kept him from walking down the wrong path, from walking right into Yohan’s trap.
He’d drowned in the loss for such a long time, that he thought he had finally lost the last bits of himself. The little pieces that made him who he was until he crossed paths with the devil, all scattered the moment that Soohyun stopped breathing in his arms. He mourned, he grieved, he went through every stage after what he thought was the biggest loss of his life. And then, just like a bucket of ice-cold water, reality poured over him. He’d been offered another chance in life. A new start, something to fight for.
Elijah and Yohan were his whole world now, his reason to wake up. He’d made peace with his past and had learned to let go. More importantly, he swore to himself that he wouldn’t have to let go this time. That he was going to do everything to keep his world safe, the way he had failed to do with Soohyun, nothing would ever threaten his life with his family. Not ever again.
So when he heard Yohan’s reasoning, he almost chuckled. To be honest, he didn’t have anything to go against that. It was something that did happen and he struggled to find excuses but for the sake of keeping the flow of the game, he tilted his head and said, “You remember that? Wait, back then, you were… just how long have you been liking me, Chief? If I remember well, back then we were barely able to stand each other as work associates, a far cry from anything remotely close to even a friendship. Don’t tell me you’ve liked me that long.”
Yohan’s expression hardened, an expected reaction as Gaon doesn’t really recall a single time where he’d seen Yohan flustered. He’d seen him in his ugliest moments, he’d seen him get angry, cry even; he’d seen him in his moments of sheer madness, laughing maniacally and smiling at other people’s miseries, but he’d never seen him embarrassed. This was probably one of the most shameless and unabashed people he’s ever come across, his face thick, full-blown ego and overflowing with confidence. Not even when there were unexpected changes to be made in his meticulously thought-of plans, Yohan was rarely put in a place where he blushed or felt remorseful.
Of course, this time wouldn’t be any different but Gaon knew this man better. Yohan may not blush or get easily flustered, but he’d learn how to read his expressions. A teasing smile formed on his lips as he took this as a win.
It’d been short-lived nonetheless, a squeak left his throat when he felt a harsh pinch over both thighs. “You really are looking to drive me insane. Doesn’t that prove who is the cruel one?” Without allowing him to answer, he pushed forward, capturing his lips with his own.
It was fierce just like all the other kisses they’d shared before, just like Yohan. There was no hesitation, no doubts, it was straightforward and to the point, blunt at best, the most superficial traits of him. Breathtaking and aggressive and so, so addicting. Yohan was a drug, one that didn’t take long for Gaon to get addicted to, because fuck, it was only when he was by his side when he felt the most liberated, the most honest to himself. He was most certainly the biggest threat to his life, but dancing with death wasn’t bad at all. It was thrilling, exciting, it made him feel alive.
The room was filled with nothing but the sound of wet kisses and heavy panting and Gaon can’t think of a single place in the entire house (with the exception of Elijah’s room) that didn’t have their prints. Every corner, every surface had been witness to them and how much they’d come to depend on each other. None had really had the time to label this… whatever thing they had going on, but it felt unnecessary by this point. They didn’t need labels, much less a document to state what they were to each other because they had it more than clear. Surely, the world could burn and fall apart, and it wouldn’t matter as long as they had each other and Elijah. It sufficed, just the three of them.
They parted and Gaon licked his lips, feeling goosebumps form all over his skin when he tasted the metallic flavor touch the tip of his tongue. He was used to it by now. Yohan could really act like a dog sometimes, biting him all over, leaving his marks like a territorial animal, and maybe to the old Gaon, he would’ve hated it. He would’ve complained and ranted on and on over how he was his own person and how he didn’t belong to anyone but himself, but then again, the old Gaon wouldn’t be doing this in the first place, with Yohan of all people.
Now, however, it felt wrong when he didn’t carry his mark. Don’t misunderstand, Gaon was very much still very self-sufficient and certainly enjoyed it very much when he gave Yohan a hard time keeping him under his watchful and overprotective watch, but it was just different. He liked it when he looked in the mirror and saw the purple bruises decorating his pale skin. He liked seeing all the shades of purple and red blooming even where others would never get the chance to see. Sure, he had a ridiculous collection of turtle necks now, but it wasn’t as if he was hiding them all the time. Only at work, sometimes from Elijah, seeing that she had inherited the same cynical humor of that beloved uncle of hers.
He just loved a possessive and jealous Yohan. So much, he had to admit there were times where he’d do it on purpose, play with him just to get a reaction and whatever came next was also very enjoyable.
With a pull of lips, Yohan was smirking, always so cunning and saccharine and Gaon had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. His expressions were always on point, so much it was simply ridiculous, but befitting nevertheless, just right for how dramatic he was.
“Convinced now?”
“Well, I can’t deny the truth and for that, I apologize for having hurt your feelings, even though back then I had no idea about how you felt. However, that further proves that what I did was unintentional, very different from making me believe you died, three times. By this point, I’m sure that you could’ve used that intelligence of yours to figure out how that would make me feel.”
The words were spoken with no malice. He wasn’t looking to blame Yohan for it. They’d both done more than enough damage to each other on equal amounts and had talked through it all. But it was a fact that both could be competitive little shits and after spending so much time together, that competitiveness had only grown.
“Three? As I admit to having wronged you by making you believe my death on two occasions, I’m afraid I don’t recall a third time.”
The implication of the question was left hanging in the air for a moment as they didn’t move, simply staring at each other and Gaon couldn’t help to notice the softness that overtook Yohan’s daring gaze. Gosh, he’d really done it this time. Falling for someone to the degree he’d done with him, and still falling, it’d never crossed his mind. There was no one that could stop him as he leaned once again, falling back into the feeling of absolute bliss when he was in Yohan’s arms.
Smiling through the kiss, they parted once again, their foreheads touching and he giggled. “You caught me there. Truth is, after everything that happened, during those months that we didn’t see each other, everything was absolute hell.”
Yohan frowned. Well, this was certainly new information to him and something heavy settled in his chest once again. Gaon didn’t drop his smile, however, continuing where he left, “It was mainly nightmares of the prior months. They started as expected, memories of the ugly things. My parents, the cheating and lying, all the horrors brought by Jung Sunah, Soohyun’s death. The memories hunted me for the longest time, and then, the body that I held wasn’t Soohyun’s. The body that was bleeding, slowly dying in front of my eyes, it wasn’t hers, but yours. I was terrified. I knew. The rational part of me knew. You were alive, but something inside just wouldn’t stop stirring. And I hated that feeling the most, like a knife being stabbed right at my gut, twisting mercilessly. I guess, I really can’t lose you, not again.”
Silence.
And then he was being pulled in again, the kiss still hard and fierce, but there was an underling to it now. It went beyond any words that could be offered and Gaon let a tear slip, hopefully, the last one he’d ever have to let go in the name of Yohan.
“Never again. I’ll make sure of it. You’ll never have to feel pain again. Not as long as I’m here. I promise.”
“Don’t leave me alone. Please.”
Gaon woke up a few hours later. The room was still dark, probably still too early for anyone in their right mind to be waking up, but he’d long given up on trying to lie to himself about being sane. His hand automatically reached out only to be met with nothing but empty sheets and he turned around so he could sit up. His body felt lethargic and there was the familiar soreness in his lower back. His eyes struggled to adjust in the darkness and landed on the digital clock on the bedside table. Definitely too early still.
He turned again and saw the empty spot beside him. His breath stopped and he was about to jump out in search of what was missing when he saw him. Yohan was sitting on the windowsill, a half-open robe covering him and a lost gaze.
How nostalgic. He remembers a time when he’d woken up to a similar sight. Back then, he was hurting and filled with distrust. Comprehensively not expecting his boss, who he’d only ever seen wearing work suits, to be in his room in the middle of the night, suspiciously wearing all black, just sitting in front of the window, gaze just as lost.
“You should really do something about this habit of yours. To any other person, this is the stuff of nightmares.” Gaon’s voice was hoarse, his words sluggish but carrying the intended amount of sarcasm.
Yohan didn’t turn to face him yet, but the small smile on his lips told him that he was listening. Finally, his head moved just enough to meet eyes, and Gaon felt frozen in place. He wasn’t completely sure why, but there was something about this man at that moment. Maybe it was the moon glowering over him, maybe it was the look that he carried. Whatever it was, it compelled him to mindlessly pull the sheets to cover himself, feeling very exposed all of a sudden.
He snorted, raising an eyebrow at the not subtle action. “Are we feeling shy now? It’s not like I didn’t see everything there is to see just a few hours ago. Have seen it for a while now.” And Gaon wanted to fulminate him with the gaze, throwing a pillow at him that was essentially caught and made Yohan laugh.
“What an old man, seriously.” He scoffed, not wanting to see that stupid smirk any longer.
“Not what you were saying a moment ago when I was—”
Another pillow. “Yah, Kang Yohan! Wanna die?!”
Yohan laughed again, throwing the pillows back. “So sensible.”
“Who are you calling sensible, you perverted old man? What if Elijah hears?”
“Didn’t seem to be a problem with how loud you were. Besides, Elijah’s a big kid now. I bet she knows more than she’s willing to let out.”
The younger huffed again, too irritated to say anything anymore. “Whatever, I’m going back to sleep.” He angrily laid back down, pulling the covers all the way up and turning so his back was facing the elder.
Yohan couldn’t help the smile that pulled on his lips seeing such childish reactions, having expected it from having a younger lover. Truly, the days weren’t at all boring when Gaon was there. He was simply too endearing not to tease.
Sighing, his eyes never left the lump on the bed, thinking about how lucky he’d been this time. He doesn’t really remember life ever treating him fairly, Gaon’s mere presence felt like a gift in itself. Years of hate, feeling nothing more than the bitter taste of revenge, planning every second. It was just fair that he treated everything the way they’d treated him and that always meant looking for a befitting punishment for those who’d wronged him. To him, the world had always been a dark place. There was no such thing as good and evil. Whoever thought that everything was black and white was a fool, nothing but another pawn to use, a victim to this twisted and unfair system.
No, Yohan’s life had always been this way. It was natural for him to build walls. Over the years, he’d learned how to thicken those walls and make them seem invisible. After all, humans were more lenient towards those who they believe can be easily manipulated. Life was just a big act and the world was the stage. One that Yohan knew like the back of his hand, having watched the story be repeated over and over again; tragedy after tragedy; it was nothing but a big play where everyone believed themselves to be in control of, without knowing that it takes more than empty promises and money to actually become an orchestrator. And even like that, the play continues, even behind the scenes.
He himself was an orchestrator, pretending to be one of the main characters abiding by the script only to manage things from behind the curtain. And even so, he couldn’t fully escape the grasps of this life. The biggest plot twist in his life was probably the moment Gaon had stepped on stage. At first, he’d been surprised, something that quickly turned into intrigue. A face that had left long ago was making a reappearance and of course, Yohan had to be taken aback by it. However, back then he’d only planned to look for a moment at that face he thought he’d never see again.
After that, he figured that there wasn’t much he could do but let it slide eventually. Gaon shared the same face as Isaac, but he was a completely different character in the end. That was until he proved he might not be just another passenger in his life.
He wasn’t exactly sure when it had happened, but somewhere during the telling of the story, he had come to the conclusion of keeping Gaon. He needed to make him his no matter what. Even if he needed to reevaluate the entire script, he needed to make it so Gaon formed part of it, most preferable next to him, being his. He really hadn't expected for the younger to be into improvisation, refusing to follow his character, but he guessed, that’s exactly what made him want him even more.
In the end, they got their happily ever after. Even if there had been a lot of changes and unprecedented cast members, at the end of the day, Gaon was the one lying on his bed every night beside him. A pleasant turn of events if so.
“What are you waiting for? Or are you planning to sleep there tonight?” Gaon’s voice shook him off his train of thought and he smiled once again. Such a brat.
With a little push, he walked over to the bed, lifting the covers and positioning himself behind the younger, his back pressed over his chest and he felt content for once. He hugged him tightly, feeling how warm hands pressed over his own, locking their fingers in place and he sighed, thinking how lucky he was to be there.