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I keep scratching the spot where it stung me. My neck, just below my ear. I know the Doctor fully treated the burn and regenerated the tissue, so there shouldn't be a trace of evidence that the neurotransmitter was ever there. Still, whenever I think about Seven of Nine, or the link, or the Borg--or Riley Frasier--my skin tingles. Part tickle, part itch, part ache.
When I look at Kathryn, it just hurts. Which is all right, I guess. If I didn't feel anything, that would bother me a lot more.
I should have told her what she was asking of me, right from the start. Trust the Borg. Work with the Borg. She had no idea. Well, maybe she did. I'd like to think that Captain Janeway would consult with her first officer before calling a staff meeting to unveil a plan which could get us all killed, or worse than killed. She declared the debate over before I'd even gotten started. I appealed to her on the only level I could, as her friend, and she used that against me. Accused me of betraying her personally. I left her alone? She's chosen to be alone, over and over.
I should have told her the whole truth about Riley and me, months ago. I knew I'd be punished for what I did. Not telling Kathryn only made it worse, because when I needed to, I couldn't tell her everything that I knew about the Borg. I still haven't told her the real reasons I defied her orders, and her wishes.
But, then, she might not have listened, anyway. I think I didn't tell Kathryn about Riley and me because I was afraid she wouldn't care. Or she would use it as an excuse not to care. I can't tell if her passions don't run deep enough, or if they run too deep.
I wish I could ask Kes what she senses. Kes grew up so much in the last few months, I went from feeling that I could be her spiritual mentor to wishing that she could be mine. We didn't know each other well--not nearly as well as she and Kathryn knew each other--but there's still an emptiness. So many people lost, and this one hurts more than most, especially now. We may be free from Borg space, but none of us are free from the Borg. Not Kathryn. Not me. Certainly not Seven of Nine.
Kes might have been able to be a friend to her--there were parallels. They both separated from their people so young, and had abilities we can't understand. I'm usually the one who plays the role of ship's counselor, but I'm not going to be able to help Kathryn with our latest crew addition; I'm almost afraid to see her. I did catch a glimpse of that outfit the Doctor designed for her--only a hologram would think that was functional attire on a starship. Functional for her, maybe. Everyone else is going to be too distracted staring. Ayala joked that he had enough trouble not staring when she was in the brig as a Borg.
She's almost young enough to be my daughter. I think Kathryn's already starting to feel maternal about her. It makes sense. For all considerations, Annika--Seven, I mean--is an adolescent, even physically. Her bones are growing to replace Borg implants. Her brain is developing dormant regions that were served by the collective once. Her body must feel out of control; she looks like a woman but thinks as a child. She doesn't know how to control her feelings. She doesn't know what she wants, except that it's not what other people think is good for her.
She's nearly as much object as woman right now. She doesn't know anything about sexuality except technical information and the instinctive responses of her body. I got that from her in the link. I was thinking about sex, I couldn't help it, thinking about Riley. Thinking about how alike they looked as little girls, long blonde hair streaming behind them as they ran. I must have projected that--neither of them could possibly know how she looked to others. Maybe Riley fed me the image to win my sympathy, and when I linked with Seven, I broadcast it to her. That might have triggered her own memories.
The second before the circuit overloaded, I felt what her body was feeling. The Borg don't remove as many centers of stimuli from their females as they do from their males, or maybe it's just that women have more to begin with. I learned that directly from Riley, she had erogenous zones all over her body, I could feel every one. I remembered that in the link with Seven, how it felt to be together after the transmitter was removed. Seven must have felt some of it too.
I'm glad I was unconscious for so long, and on a different deck of the ship, after B'Elanna overloaded the transceiver and severed my link to Seven as well as hers to the Borg. I might have gone to her: I might not have been able to help myself. The link is unbelievably seductive, not just in a physical sense. Getting inside someone, knowing them on every level...and in this case, I would have been on more balanced footing. Even if she was Borg, I was controlling it. I could have shown her pleasure she never knew, and felt it alongside her...
Heat in my blood like poison. I can't stop scratching. I can't stop thinking that things would be a lot easier if I'd dumped Seven of Nine into space with the others. I hate myself like this, I hate that I did that to living beings, Borg or no. If she could be severed, salvaged, so could they. I can't even talk to my animal guide, that damn neurotransceiver did something to block the receptive part of my brain. Poisoned it. Maybe Riley did that. Poisoned my soul.
I wish I could talk to Jean-Luc Picard. I met him, briefly, on Dorvan, after he negotiated the treaty which would ultimately sell my home to the Cardassians. He's the only other person I know who was ever assimilated who came back to himself. I want to know if he still dreams about it, if he ever longs for it. If he hates himself for it.
Maybe I did this to myself. Same way I did with Seska. Because it's in my nature.
I can't get back to shore. I can't stop thinking that I'm never really going to know Kathryn, not the way I knew Riley, not the way I knew Seven, for those moments. Does that ruin everything between us, or does it change nothing, since she wasn't interested in letting me get close even in the usual way? I sometimes think that Kathryn prefers holograms. There's no chance of getting lost in one. No possibility of confusing one's own needs and desires with someone else's. It's very safe.
But it's also very sad.
Maybe she's incapable of loving anyone the way I want her to love me. Or maybe I'm incapable of loving her the way she needs to be loved, after what the Borg did to me. I can see what losing Kes did to her: I understand why she protects herself, so she doesn't get hurt any more deeply, so it doesn't affect her ability to lead us all, and I wish I could think how to reach out to her. But I can't apologize. I can't say that I was wrong. We both know better.
Scorpion.
Kathryn chose that as our code word, not me.
Maybe it's a fitting metaphor for both of us.
There's blood on my fingers. I guess I scratched a little too far below the surface this time. At least, this time, it's my own blood on my hands. I wonder if the poison will run out if I let it bleed.