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From the moment they left Camelot, Merlin had known what he had to do. A sacrifice was the only way to stop the dorocha and there was no way he was letting his king, his Arthur, sacrifice himself.
As they walked Merlin remained quiet, soaking up every moment he had with his friends. These would be his last. He wanted them filled with their laughter and joyous voices, but there was little joy on this journey. Not after what they had left behind in Camelot. For now, he would take what he could get, even if it was only the weight of their presence.
That night all but Arthur had fallen asleep around the fire. Merlin sat up with him, not daring to speak, but refusing to sleep. This was far from the first silent night between them, but he knew that it would likely be their last as soon he would sacrifice himself to heal the veil.
Merlin hadn’t expected Arthur to speak. His voice low and heavy with truth. “All the things I’ve faced, I’ve never been worried about dying.”
Some part of him wanted to erase his fear, to reassure him that he wouldn’t die. Arthur’s destiny still remained. As long as he lived the prophecy would be fulfilled. It was Merlin who wasn’t really needed. But he couldn’t say any of that. The only thing he could say was “Don’t think you should now.”
Arthur gave him a baffled, yet fond look. “Sometimes you do puzzle me.”
“You never fathomed me out?” Merlin teased.
“No.”
The worst of it all was now he never would. “Well. I’d always thought if things had been different, we would have been…” There were so many things that Merlin had hoped they would have been, even though he knew he was undeserving of anything more. So many nights his traitorous heart had dared to dream that its love might be returned. But to say such now and expose his deepest desires would only ruin that perfect dream. “…good friends.”
“Yeah.” He said it so fast as if he hadn’t had to think about it at all.
The warmth in his cheeks made his lash out with one of his usual quips. “If you weren’t such an arrogant pompous dollophead.”
Arthur didn’t even scold him or tell him that ‘dollophead’ wasn’t a word. He simply laughed. It was such a beautiful laugh. The way his eyes smiled in the firelight was an image Merlin prayed would be seared into his soul even in death.
Gods, it was all starting to feel so real now. He couldn’t help but wonder what Arthur might think of his passing. Would he grieve a servant? Would he at least miss their banter? How would he remember him? How did he want Arthur to remember him?
“That’s what you have to remember.” Merlin urged. “Things never turn out how you expect. You’ll see.”
Arthur stared at him as if trying to understand what he was trying to say. Before he could figure out his meaning, Merlin spoke again. “We will defeat the doracho. We will. Together.”
“I appreciate that.” For once Arthur sounded like he genuinely meant it.
Without a word he suddenly turned to his left and pulled out a small pouch from his belongings. Merlin had seen it among his things a thousand times. He’d always wondered what it held inside because any time Merlin so much as touched it, Arthur would take it from him. Showing no hesitation this time, he poured the contents into his hand. “This belonged to my mother.”
It was a small silver medallion. In the center was a bird, a merlin to be precise. “It bares her sigil. Here.” He dropped it into Merlin’s hand.
For too long Merlin didn’t understand. Then he realized what Arthur must be doing. He thought he was going to die, and he didn’t want the memory of his mother to die with him. But he wasn’t going to die, and Merlin couldn’t sacrifice himself while holding something so important to Arthur. “Arthur, I can’t—”
“Just. Take it.” He insisted. “There is no one else I could ever entrust it to. Please, Merlin. I want you to have it.”
Merlin ran his finger over the sigil. It was wrong to take this from him, but he couldn’t resist such a heart felt request. And some part of him wanted to have something of Arthur’s family with him in his last moments, so he gave Arthur a small smile. “Thank you, Arthur. I’ll cherish this.”
Arthur seemed relieved, and if Merlin wasn’t crazy, he could almost swear there was a blush to his cheeks. “You should get some sleep.” He insisted.
Merlin had no intention of it, but he nodded and laid down next to the fire.
The days that followed were some of the worst of Merlin’s life. He’d nearly died before he could even sacrifice himself for Arthur. In the idiot’s attempt to keep him alive he sent Merlin away. He and Lancelot had barely made it back in time to save Arthur once again. Then in the moment when his back was turned it had been Lancelot himself who stepped through the veil.
In those long days, and the heavy grief, Merlin had nearly forgotten about the sigil Arthur gave him. Of those words whispered in the dark when Arthur thought he might not live another day. Only he had lived.
Merlin had no right to hold onto it anymore. So he took the sigil and knocked on Arthur’s door.
“Come in.” It was late, and Arthur sat before the fireplace right where Merlin had left him an hour before. The fire had died down. For a moment it felt like they were back on their journey, when the words were first spoken to each other. Realize it was Merlin after he had been dismissed, he quirked an eyebrow. “Something wrong?”
“I uh…” why was he so nervous? His tongue felt too thick in his mouth. He had to give it back. It was the right thing to do. Since he couldn’t form the words, he simply held the sigil out to Arthur.
Arthur’s eyes fell to the object in his hand, and he almost seemed to pale. “Do you….do you not want it anymore?” He nearly sounded hurt when he said it.
Merlin had thought he would be happy to take the sigil that he cared so much about back. By now he should have realized that giving something so valuable to a mere servant was an insult to his mother’s memory and be demanding it back himself.
“I didn’t think it was proper for a servant to…well…”
“Merlin, you’re more than a servant to me.” Arthur said.
Yes, he understood that Arthur saw him as his friend, even if it was a strange antagonistic sort of friendship. But he didn’t get why that mattered now. No matter how Arthur saw him…
“But if anyone found out.”
“Merlin, I understand the risks, but…” He sighed and suddenly stood from his chair pacing around the room. “Look. I know you think me bull headed and that I act without thinking. And maybe you’re right, maybe I was a bit hasty to give it to you. I thought I was going to die, and I wanted – I wanted – one day things will change Merlin, I know they will. When I become King, I’ll make sure they will. So, if you’ll still have it, can you hold onto it until then? Will you wait for the world we’ll create together when I am King?”
Merlin didn’t understand half of what he said, but he knew in his deepest heart that he would always wait for Arthur.
“Alright,” He tucked it back into his pocket. “I’ll hold onto it until then.”
A smile lit up Arthur’s face. He hurried forward and cupped his hands around Merlin’s neck. Merlin couldn’t have been more surprised if Arthur had leapt from the tower and flew into the night sky than he was when he pressed their lips together. As quickly as it began, Arthur pulled away.
“Off you go then. And don’t mention this to anyone.” Arthur ordered.
Merlin obeyed on instinct and walked out of Arthur’s chambers without a word. It was only after the door closed that his brain restarted, and he nearly screamed. What?! Was?! That?!
Everything about the whole interaction had been weird. Not only the fact that Arthur had kissed him, but he’d kissed him as if he’d been sure that Merlin would welcome a kiss. Granted there probably weren’t a lot of people who didn’t want to kiss Arthur, but Arthur would never kiss a person unless he thought he had permission.
Had something in that interaction revealed his feelings for Arthur? He wasn’t sure anymore. He had thought he’d been doing a good job of keeping it under wraps, but obviously not.
But Arthur had kissed him! Wait? Did that mean Arthur returned his feelings?
His whole mind was too confused to sort through it all. By habit, he walked back down to his own room and crashed on his bed.
The next few weeks gave Merlin no more answers. Following their late-night conversation something in Arthur changed. He was exactly the same around everyone else, but when they were alone, he was softer, almost kinder.
Arthur would let their hands touch more as Merlin completed his chores. His eyes would linger on Merlin when his back was turned. Then of course there were the little kisses. Merlin happily accepted all of them, which only seemed to make Arthur want to give more.
But despite all that they still hadn’t talked about what had changed between them.
Merlin was afraid to break the precarious spell of happiness between them. Or to realize his worst fear that this indeed was magic that was making Arthur behave this way. He knew he should have investigated, or had the courage to ask Arthur, but he didn’t.
Just as he was about to force himself to say something to Arthur, his father died. Uther’s death was a heavy weight between them. Arthur was grieving, more for the father he had never been and now never could be, than for the man himself. Merlin could barely make it out of bed for the guilt of it all.
It was his fault Uther was dead. His magic that had stopped the king’s heart, even if the catalyst had been the amulet Morgana placed. For days he had been hiding from him. Merlin couldn’t face Arthur’s grief when he was the cause. More than that, he was hiding from the fact that whatever those kisses had been they would now be over.
Everything had changed now that Arthur was king.
During his coronation, Merlin had stood far off to the side, out of sight. Yet, Arthur’s gaze had still found him. He’d smiled at Merlin and Merlin had coward under its brilliance.
Two days later, Merlin finally found himself cornered by his new King. Until then he’d gotten away with finishing his chores while Arthur was busy with his new duties, but Arthur had come back earlier than expected.
Arthur closed the door and stood in front of it so Merlin couldn’t escape. “We need to talk.”
And here it was. The end of this little flirty game of play pretend that he could ever love a servant.
“Arthur—” He began.
“Have you changed your mind?” Arthur interrupted.
Merlin blinked. “What?”
“Have you changed your mind now that I’m king?”
“About what?”
“About me?”
Now Merlin was really lost. He couldn’t understand what was so obviously before him. The look on Arthur’s face was pure devastation, it was vulnerability and fear and heartbreak. That was the last look he ever wanted to put on Arthur’s face.
“No! Never, Arthur!” He rushed forward without thinking. He grabbed Arthur’s arms and led him over to a chair. “I will never stop believing in you.”
“Then you’ll still stand by me? You’ll still stay by my side?” As he asked, Arthur folded Merlin’s fingers back around the sigil.
“Always.” He promised.
That seemed to placate his king. Now there was no way he could ask any of the hundred questions he wanted to. The last thing he wanted to do was send his poor grieving friend into another spiral. If it meant so much to Arthur, he could keep the sigil for a little while longer.
Being the servant to a king turned out not to be that much different than being a servant to a prince, at least when both men were Arthur. After Merlin’s last attempt to return the sigil things had returned mostly back to normal between them.
In fact things had become so calm between them, he’d nearly forgotten that fate had a sick sense of humor and a personal vendetta against a certain sorcerer. Really, he should have seen it coming. It was inevitable.
Arthur was king now, and ever king needed a queen beside them.
It shouldn’t have hurt when the question was thrown across the table during one council meeting. “You cannot put it off any longer sire. When will you do what’s right for the kingdom and marry?”
For a moment Arthur was silent. Merlin almost swore his eyes apologized to him as he contemplated his answer. “You are right. I have put this off long enough. Preparations will begin immediately. By next month, this kingdom will have another ruler.”
Merlin was frozen in place. His ears ringing so loud that he didn’t hear the rest of the commotion at the table. Probably dozens of questions of which noblewoman or princess Arthur had chosen, but none of that mattered to Merlin.
In one month, Arthur was going to marry another. Whatever little flirtation they’d had would now be over for real. Merlin could swear he felt his own heart shriveling up at the thought.
Unable to resist, he reached into his pocket to feel for the queen’s sigil. He would have to give it up too. All this time he’d known he shouldn’t grow so attached to it, but he hadn’t been able to help himself. The thought of parting with it, with the small scraps of affection Arthur had bestowed to him over the past few months, had him panicking.
“Merlin?” The sound of his name from Arthur’s lips snapped him out of his own head.
He looked up to see that the rest of the council had left already and that they were alone.
“Are you alright?” Arthur asked.
“Yes, sire.” He lied.
“I’m sorry. I had hoped to put this off for a little longer, give you more time to get used to the thought of…”
Merlin nodded, keeping his eyes off to the side because he couldn’t look at Arthur now. He couldn’t fall apart. “You’re right. It’s time.”
“And you’ll be alright to handle the planning?”
The planning. Arthur wanted him to plan his wedding to another. If he had thought he’d felt heartbreak before, he’d been a fool. Now his own heart was crumbling to dust, leaving him so numb all he could do was agree.
“Yes. I’ll handle everything.”
Arthur beamed at him. “I knew I could count on you. And if anyone gives you trouble over this, just come to me.”
“Yes, sire.”
Arthur frowned at the nearly polite response, but one of the knights was calling him from the doorway.
“We’ll talk more about this later.” Arthur promised.
They did no such thing. Merlin made it his personal mission to avoid spending time with Arthur at all cost. Especially after hearing all the gossip about the upcoming wedding. They all talked about it like some epic love story. Apparently, they’d been engaged for a while in secret because Arthur hadn’t thought his father would approve.
Which made sense, Uther wouldn’t have approved of any bride so long as it was Arthur’s choice. What didn’t make sense was how Arthur could have been secretly engaged to someone without Merlin knowing. He had gone everywhere with the prince for years. Maybe they had gotten engaged before hand?
He probably could have figured out who Arthur was marrying if he bothered to listen all the way through, but he never dared. It didn’t matter either way. Whoever he was marrying wasn’t him. After years of being Arthur’s loyal servant and best friend he would be thrown aside.
As the day approached for Arthur to be wed, Merlin couldn’t take it anymore. He had completed the preparations and knew that everything would be perfect for Arthur. Merlin couldn’t stay in the castle a minute longer. This mystery princess would probably be arriving any day now, and Merlin didn’t want to see her. He didn’t want to watch Arthur marry another.
So without telling anyone he made plans to return to Essetir to visit his mother. There was just one more thing he had to do before he left. Making sure that Arthur was busy elsewhere in the castle, Merlin snuck into his chambers.
He took a moment to look around at the room which had become as familiar as his own. He still wasn’t certain when he’d be back. A part of him screamed that his destiny wasn’t fulfill, but destiny had already fucked him over. One day he’d return, when he’d found a way to live with his broken heart.
Slowly, reverently, Merlin pulled the sigil from his pocket.
He tried to bring back that moment when Arthur had first given it to him. He could remember the way the firelight danced off Arthur’s face, the way Arthur had insisted he take it. It had been a naïve hope that made him foolish enough to agree.
Tears were splashing onto the sigil. Merlin couldn’t taint it any longer with his sorrow. He left it on Arthur’s nightstand and hoped it’s new recipient would love it, would love Arthur, as he had.
Sneaking out of the castle was easy enough. Everyone was too busy with preparations to pay any attention. He made it all the way to the forest before he let himself start sobbing as the grief and heartache washed over him again. It was hard to navigate through his own blurry vision, at least that’s what he blamed the fact that he didn’t see the group of bandits until they were upon him.
A knife was already pressed into throat and rough hands were wrapped around him before he even thought to fight them. Merlin didn’t dare breathe as he felt the blade pressed hard against his skin.
“Looks like we caught a pretty one.” One of the men jeered.
“Yes, very pretty.” Another said. “He’ll earn us an even prettier penny I’d say.”
“Maybe we should try him out first, so we know what to charge for him.” The one holding him panted in his ear.
His stomach revolted at the suggestion. Merlin wasn’t going to let these men do anything to him. All he needed was for the man to relax his knife an inch and he would fight back.
Only his grip grew tighter as there was suddenly a rustling from in front of them. A familiar figure walked into the clearing with his sword held high. “Release him now and maybe I’ll feel generous enough to let you live.”
What was Arthur doing here? He should have been up in the castle. Merlin hadn’t been gone even an hour to be missed. The clotpole didn’t even have his armor on, only his sword. Had Arthur followed him?
When his threat spurred no action, Arthur grew angrier. “Alright then, I guess I’ll kill you all where you stand for daring to touch what’s mine.”
“Yeah right. I’ll have you begging us to kill you while you watch what we do to your pretty boy.” The one on the left said before he charged forward. He hadn’t even swung his sword before Arthur’s blade thrust straight through his stomach. The man dropped dead with little more than a whimper.
The second one was smart enough to run into the trees when Arthur’s dark gaze turned on him.
That left only the man holding the knife to Merlin’s throat. As Arthur moved closer, he pulled the blade enough to release a line of blood. “Don’t come any closer.”
Arthur ground his teeth a moment before curling his lips into a smile. “I don’t need to.”
“What?” The man questioned.
Merlin had to agree. What was Arthur talking about? Arthur was good, but he couldn’t take the man out from that distance with a human shield between them.
“Stop playing around, Merlin.” Arthur ordered.
He expected Merlin to…Merlin’s eyes went wide as he stared into Arthur’s. There was no way. Arthur couldn’t mean—
“Come on, I’ve seen you take out much bigger than him. Stop stalling because the two of us in desperate need of a conversation.”
Oh, he did mean that.
The confusion his statement caused was enough that the thug lowered the blade for a second. That second was all he needed. Merlin breathed the spell causing the knife to crumble to dust. With the knife out of the way, Merlin turned and blasted the man away.
Then Arthur was rushing towards him. “Are you alright?”
“You know about my magic?” Merlin shot back instead of answering.
Arthur had the nerve to glare at him like he was stupid. “No! How could I ever have noticed all the perfectly timed falling logs or the tree roots that moved on their own or perhaps the fact that you USE MAGIC TO DO ALL YOUR CHORES WHEN YOU THINK NO ONE IS LOOKING!”
Okay, so maybe he hadn’t been as subtle as he thought.
“And you’re…okay with it? You’re not going to…” He couldn’t say it, so he gestured by sliding his finger across his neck. He hissed in pain when he remembered the cut there.
“Of course not!” He pulled Merlin’s hands out of the way. “Now let me look at that.” His fingers were gentle as he examined that damaged skin, his touch tender. “Don’t think you’ll need stitches, but we will have Gaius look at it all the same when we get back to Camelot.”
Back to Camelot. He’d been so distracted by the bandit attack and Arthur apparently knowing about his magic to remember what he was doing out here in the first place. Merlin felt his heart deflate once again. “I…I can’t go back, Arthur.”
“If you’re worried about the magic you have to know I have the draft for the removal of the magic ban on my desk.” Arthur stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“You do?”
“Yes! Do you think I’d marry someone with magic without lifting the ban? I know I can be a prat, but I’m not cruel enough to expect my intended to help rule a nation where they can never be free.”
Merlin should have been happy to hear that his destiny was complete, but somehow the thought that he had only lifted it for the love of someone else made it all the more painful. Tears were dripping down his eyes again despite his attempts to keep them at bay.
“Merlin? What’s wrong?” Arthur was gently cupping his cheeks, brushing the tears away which only made him cry harder. “Please, Merlin. I can’t stand to see you like this. If it’s something I’ve done or not done, then just tell me. I don’t want to get married without fixing things between us.”
That finally broke him. Merlin couldn’t handle his callous comments anymore. He tore away from Arthur. “Fix things between us? How can you ever fix things between us when you expect me to stand on the side and watch you marry another even though I love you!”
Arthur was completely dumbfounded at his outbreak.
About time he shut up that stupid prat face of his. It might have been satisfying if his heart weren’t already broken and raw. He buried his face in his hands and curled his legs up to his chest.
“Merlin.” Arthur had no right to sound heartbroken when he said his name. “Merlin do you really think…oh gods how could…” Arthur muttered before finally finding his tongue. “Merlin it’s not possible you don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?” He sniffled.
There was a long beat of silence before Arthur gently asked. “Merlin, who am I supposedly marrying?”
“How should I know? You didn’t deem it necessary to tell your lowly manservant who the next queen would be. You just expected me to do my job and make it all perfect for you and your bride. Well, you’ll be happy to know I did everything you asked, and you can go be happy with her and never have to worry about me again. So just go, Arthur.”
“Queen? Bride?” Arthur seemed more confused than usual. Which was saying a lot. “Then you really thought…Merlin, how can you be such an endearing idiot?”
At that Merlin fumed, finally lifting his eyes to see Arthur barely holding back a laugh. He was LAUGHING AT HIM!
“Comes from hanging out with your stupid arse for too long!” He shot back.
Merlin’s anger only seemed to make Arthur laugh harder. Seriously, what joke was he missing here? When Arthur stopped laughing long enough to breathe, he said the absolute last thing that Merlin expected. “Merlin, you dollophead, I’m marrying you.”
“What?” Merlin’s voice was so high it scared away every bird in a mile radius. “But…but…but…no you’re not.”
“You were literally in the council chamber with me when I told everyone I was marrying you. I hadn’t thought those ears of yours were just for show. Although it is a mighty sexy show if you ask me.”
There would be time to deal with the revelation that Arthur thought he was sexy later. Right now he tried to think back. He had been in the council chamber, but he hadn’t heard anything past Arthur announcing the wedding. Had he really missed his own name being given?
“Okay, but why would you marry me of all people? Why so suddenly? You never showed any interest before.”
“Never showed any…” if rolling his eyes could have been verbal, he would have shouted it. “For gods sake Merlin, do you think I just go around touching and kissing every servant?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Not to mention that it wasn’t sudden. We’ve been engaged for months!”
“No we haven’t.”
“Yes, we have.”
“No, we haven’t.”
“Yes, we have.”
“No, Arthur, we haven’t.”
“Yes, Merlin, we have.”
Merlin threw up his hands. “I think I would remember you proposing to me.”
“Oh,” Arthur suddenly deflated. “You don’t remember. I hadn’t thought…you knew you had the sigil, so I just assumed you remembered me giving it to you. I should have realized undergoing the dorocha attack might have messed with your memories.”
“Wait? Are you talking about when you gave me your mother’s sigil? That night by the fire when you thought you might die? That was you proposing?”
“Don’t you know what a sigil is? It’s the unique symbol of a family line passed down from generation to generation. To give it to another means to welcome them into your family line, ergo to propose to them.” Arthur had finally stopped talking to him like he was stupid. In fact, there was an unmistakable fondness in his voice that seemed to be healing the pain in Merlin’s heart.
“I didn’t know.” He said in a small voice.
Arthur moved to his side before pulling Merlin into his arms, against his chest. “That’s my fault. All of this is my fault, and I can’t imagine how much pain I’ve caused you because of it. I had been so scared that day. Scared of dying, of failing Camelot, but most of all of leaving you. I had wanted in my last days for you to know my heart belong to you in every way, yet I’d been unable to say the words right. I just assumed you would understand the symbol. Then when I didn’t die, I realized the future we could have together. I knew we’d have to wait until I was king, because my father would never understand the bond between us. But I’d dreamed of that future. I wanted nothing more than to marry you, Merlin, and have you stand by my side forever.”
“Is that why you asked me to make all the preparations?” He asked with a bit of a laugh, realizing how silly it all had been. No one everyone ran to him for opinions on everything since it had been his own wedding he was planning.
“I wanted it to be the day you wanted it to be.” Arthur said. “Though since you thought it was for someone else, I’m sure it’s not half of what you actually wanted. Don’t worry. There’s still time, we can put the wedding off for a bit longer and replan everything. And this time we can make sure your mom is here and…”
Merlin was staring at him with a wide smile.
“What?”
“So, you really love me?” Merlin turned further into Arthur’s embrace, snuggling into his warmth and familiar scent.
“Yes, Merlin, very much.”
“Then you have to say it properly.” Merlin scolded. “Or else you’ll have to find someone else to marry your royal arse.”
There would probably be a lot more that needed to be said between them. Misunderstands that still needed to be mended, assurances that had to be made, but for now Arthur knew that Merlin would ultimately forgive him.
Petting his hair, Arthur pulled Merlin’s head back, so their eyes met. “I love you, Merlin. So please, do me the honor and marry me.”
“Yes.” Merlin leaned in to kiss him. “Very much yes.”