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As a child, Kaz would run through fields in his dreams, another child by his side. There, they would wrestle, climb trees, and generally do whatever small children did while playing together. When Kaz had woken that first day he’d dreamt of them, he had climbed into his father’s lap and told him all about how he had met someone while he slept and what they were like.
His father had laughed and said it was his soulmate. That person would be waiting for him in his dreams until the moment came when they could meet in person and even after that; they’d always be there in his dreams. Kaz had asked what a soulmate was for. Were they just a lifelong playmate? Were they supposed to end up like his mother and father, married and with children? Or were they more like Jordie, someone who would always be there with him? The only answer he got was that the soulmate would be whichever of those he chose them to be, in whatever way they happened to be it. There was no one way to have a soulmate.
So, Kaz relied on them. He told them everything about his day as they climbed and ran and played or laid in the grass and saw shapes in the clouds. And they did the same. They told him everything about their days and their life and that their name was Y/N. He got used to their presence, finding comfort in his dreams. When his father died, Kaz had cried himself to sleep and met Y/N in his dreams, where they had sat with him as he mourned.
He told them everything that happened on the boat and in Ketterdam, about Jakob Hertzoon and sharing a hot chocolate with Jordie. When Kaz learned a new magic trick, Y/N was always the first person to hear about it.
Life changed when the Queen’s Lady Plague hit Ketterdam. Kaz spent a lot of time sleeping, unable to distinguish reality from a dream anymore besides Y/N’s presence. His soulmate was always there, holding his hand and talking to him. Their mother owned a bakery and Y/N described how it looked, the smells of the freshly baked bread, what the specials of the day were, and how business was doing. When they ran out of descriptions, they told him about their day and rambled about any topic that came to their mind, anything to keep his off the pain. They kept him going and living and surviving through it all.
When he came back to shore that fateful night, something in him had changed. An innocence was lost in him that had still been there a few days before. Something had broken inside him and scales had fallen from his eyes as he saw the world in a new light, a crueler one. He avoided sleeping that first week in the same way he would avoid touch for years after. He didn’t want them to see him like this, was desperate to hide what he had become from them. He wasn’t sure if he could even bear their touch in the retreat that was his dreams.
Still, he could only fight sleep for so long before he lost the battle and dreamt.
Y/N was there waiting for him, sitting on the wall that overlooked the field they had once played in. They turned their head to look at him and smiled. “Hey! We’re finally asleep at the same time again! I’ve been helping Ma at the bakery so my sleep schedule is a mess right now. I hope you haven't been having too much fun without me.” They giggled at their own joke, sunlight lighting up behind them.
Kaz didn’t say anything, just hopped up to sit beside them on the wall. Y/N tilted their head. “Something’s different about you. Did you recover from your fever?”
Kaz nodded, a single, sharp movement. “Yeah, I recovered.” His voice was just as gravelly as it had become while awake, the only sign of the plague left on him. A few moments were spent in silence as Kaz steeled himself to speak the words that would bring the events into reality. “Jordie didn’t.”
Y/N’s face crumbled, sorrow mixed with worry swimming in their eyes. “Oh, Kaz.” They pulled him into their arms. Unlike with others, whose touch made him revolted, Kaz found solace in their arms and let himself burrow deeper, clasping his arms tightly around them.
“He died a week ago. Maybe longer.” Kaz forced the words past the block in his throat and the tears that were welling up in his eyes. Y/N just pulled him closer and held him tight, letting him cry out the emotions he hadn’t truly processed until that moment.
As they grew older, the dreamscape expanded. They were able to manipulate and shape it, to change colors and add buildings, even change the time of day and season on a whim. The field where they played as children stayed where it was; a stone wall bordered it and a simple farmhouse stood across the road. It had a large library with a bay window where they would often curl together to read. There, there was no work to be done, no worries to be had. A kitchen was in the back, always stocked with whatever ingredients either desired. The house was not a childhood home, but a home that the soulmates could grow and change in. Overtime, their relationship changed in a similar way. They'd started as simply play companions, then childhood confidantes. Soon, that changed to fast friends. Slower, that friendship shifted into something different, a shyness around the other that led to confessions of romantic feelings and a romantic relationship blooming around them.
Always, Kaz was touching Y/N in some way. His head in their lap, theirs on his shoulder, hands intertwined, curled around each other in some way. There was never a time when they were not touching if they could help it. Kaz had come to crave touch in his sleep, his one refuge from the world. Even when he started sweating at the mere thought of brushing past a crowd, Y/N was a beacon of light and safety in the stormy sea of his thoughts. They were the safe haven he guarded with his life.
Only in sleep could he truly let all his walls down and simply exist with another person. Y/N laughed and called him clingy at times but they understood he had always been physically affectionate, never truly growing out of his childhood habits around them. With Y/N, he wasn’t Dirtyhands, nor the Bastard of the Barrel. He was Kaz Rietveld, a farm boy making his way in a big city. He’d never told them of Brekker, never let them know what he was like in real life. It was selfish and possibly cruel to hide that part of himself from them. However, he longed for a sense of normalcy, a simple life.
When he was unsure who his true self even was, Brekker or Rietveld, how could he be hiding it from them and how did he reveal it to them?
Kaz checked his watch. The candles were burning low, the sun long since set, and he was still sitting in his office with paperwork in front of him. None of that mattered as he saw the time was close to midnight. He put down his pen, blew out the light, and hurriedly climbed the stairs to his room. He’d always looked forward to sleeping and tried to warn Y/N that his sleep schedule might become sporadic when he took on jobs that required limited sleep. They never worried about him, simply thinking they were just missing him when it came to sleeping. When those times happened, they both left little notes for each other around the dreamscape to make up for the lack of interactions.
Kaz dropped onto his bed and, within moments, was asleep.
He opened his eyes to find himself standing on the road in front of the house. Pushing open the door, he called into the house, “Darling, I’m home!”
Y/N laughed and responded, “In the library!”
Kaz shucked off a pair of work boots and wandered over to them, wrapping his arms around their waist as they stood before a bookshelf. He buried his nose in their hair and took a deep breath, losing himself in the feel of them. “You smell nice. Were you helping at the bakery today?”
Y/N hummed in affirmation. “Yep. Ma wanted the extra set of hands and I had finished university homework early. Did you just get off work?”
Kaz nodded against them, eyes slipping shut. “What are we reading today?”
Y/N pulled a book off the shelf, a hand slipping down to lay over Kaz’s as they guided him over to the bay window. “I was thinking The Last Knight .”
Kaz released them to sit on the cushion, smiling at the feel of the sun warming the seat and his face, eyes briefly slipping closed to enjoy it more. Y/N laid down in front of him, throwing a pillow into his lap before resting their head atop it, looking up at him with the book on their stomach. “Did you want to read or should I?”
“You go ahead.” Kaz looked down at them and marveled at the way the sun lit up their eyes and danced through their hair, the way their voice wove the story so intricately. He couldn’t help it when his hand wandered to pick up a few of those strands, to feel why the light would dance so joyously through it. He wanted this image, this peaceful moment in the sun, to be imprinted just behind his eyelids so he could gaze at them for the rest of time.
Y/N stopped reading, their eyes fixed on Kaz’s face. “Is there something wrong?”
Kaz shook his eyes, eyes smiling. “No, sweetheart, nothing’s wrong. I just got caught up marveling at you, that’s all. Please, keep reading.” They would never know it if he could help it but Y/N was the only one he would ever give an unprompted ‘please’ to.
Y/N smiled and grabbed his hand, pressing a quick kiss to the back of it before going back to reading.
The rest of their night was spent in that peaceful moment in the country sun, curled around each other and relaxing. Kaz always loved falling asleep at night, getting to shed his gloves and burdens and not be expected to do anything but exist with his loved one.
The next day, Kaz and Anika were in the Government District of Ketterdam for a deal, Anika coming as his second. The deal went as they’d expected it to, Kaz getting what he needed out of it. On the way back, it had started to pour. The noon sun quickly gave way to dark clouds and rain that washed the streets of the dirt that lingered between the cobblestones.
Anika raised her collar and shivered, never caring much for the frequency of Ketterdam’s rains. “Do we have to head back right now?”
Kaz raised a brow at her. “Why? Scared of a little water?”
“I’d rather not catch a cold right before winter, if it’s all the same to you,” she snarked back, never one to show weakness. It’s why he’d chosen her as his second.
“And what do you suggest we do otherwise? The browboat doesn’t pass by here for another half hour.”
Anika glanced around, eyes lighting up when she spotted something. “We skipped lunch to deal with this parlay. I say we hole up in that bakery over there for a quick meal and to wait for the boat.”
Kaz glanced over at the brightly colored sign, a stark contrast to the drab gray of the building. “Fine.”
A bell chimed when he pushed the door open and a voice he would have recognized anywhere greeted them. “Come on in! I just made a new batch of bread rolls!”
There, in a black apron with flour covering the front and dusting their hair, was Kaz’s soulmate. He stepped inside and approached the counter with Anika in tow, trying to calm his racing heart. He’d never looked like this to them, always dressed in the loose roughspun clothes of a farmer or common layperson. He’d never let them see him as a Barrel gang boss.
Y/N slid a tray into its slot in the display case and looked up with a smile. “Hello, how can I help . . .?” Their voice trailed off as Y/N’s eyes found Kaz.
Their face lit up with the joy Kaz was used to seeing on them and that he always loved to see. “Kaz?!” Quickly, they lifted the hinged part of the counter and stepped out from behind it, moving with the clear intent to hug him.
Anika stepped in between them and kept a clear distance before Kaz had the chance to react. Y/N’s smile dimmed. “Kaz? What’s going on?”
“Brekker doesn’t touch people,” Anika answered, a rough bark in her voice.
Kaz cleared his throat and placed the head of his cane on Anika’s arm, lowering it forcefully. “Step away, Anika. I know them.” Y/N reached for Kaz but didn’t touch him, their questions clear in their eyes. Kaz reached out first and gently took their hand, keeping his grip loose. “I’ll explain everything soon, my love,” he said softly.
Y/N nodded and glanced at the display case. “Well, in the meantime, would you like anything to eat?”
Kaz smirked, letting the smile reach his eyes in a way they would recognize. “I’ll take a cup of coffee and that fried dough with currants that you rave about every now and again.”
Anika looked between the two but didn’t comment. “I’ll take a few of the white bread rolls and some gumdrops if you have them.”
Y/N smiled back at Kaz and squeezed his hand before releasing him to gather their meals. Kaz placed both hands back on his cane and looked around at the small gathering of people also stopping at the bakery for lunch and to get out of the rain. Kaz paid for the meal and Anika absconded to a separate table to give them some privacy.
“Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Kaz looked at Y/N, eyes gentler than they ever usually were when he was awake.
Y/N glanced around and nodded, pulling their apron off. “Give me a moment.” Stepping back behind the counter, Y/N tossed their apron into the backroom. “Ma, I’m taking my five minute break!”
“Okay, dear!” a voice called back.
Y/N turned and smiled at Kaz. “I’m all yours for the next few minutes.”
Kaz took a deep breath and sat at a nearby table, cane leaning against his leg. Y/N sat down across from him, arms folded on the table and patiently waiting for him to speak. “I don’t really know where to start. A lot of what you want to know isn’t something to be said in public.”
Y/N hummed in thought, sticking their tongue out slightly as they always did while thinking deeply. “Well, you can start with whatever you want. We can save this for later tonight and just talk about the weather or something else mundane for now. You can explain anything you’re comfortable with now and go into greater detail later.”
“Have I mentioned recently how much I love you and your wonderful brain?”
Y/N ducked their head and laughed. “Thank you, darling.”
Kaz took another few moments to collect himself before he spoke. “I haven’t ever lied to you. Not once have I twisted words to conceal a truth, nor have I directed a conversation away from a fact. I want you to know that going into this.”
Y/N nodded but didn’t say anything, letting him take his time on the story.
“I don’t touch people. At least, no one except you and that’s only been in my dreams so far. I don’t usually like to touch people or have them touch me.” He took a bite of his pastry to stall for time.
Y/N nodded. “I wonder what makes me different. Is it because it’s only while in a dream that touch hasn’t been bothering you? Or is it the soulmate aspect of it? Is it the constant touch, the safety of it all, there’s so many factors to consider.”
Kaz chuckled lightly. “I thought the same thing at first. Over time, I just stopped wondering about it and let you be a safe haven for me.”
“I like that.” They glanced out a window at a nearby clock tower. “Another two minutes or so until my break is over.”
Kaz nodded. “Okay, we can talk more later tonight. I promise I’ll answer every question you have. For now, tell me about your day. I want to hear about you.”
Y/N smiled softly at him and obliged. They talked about their mother calling them in to help with the bakery as there had been a bigger morning rush than expected. They were in the government district so it was probably an early morning meeting that many of them had been rushing to. For the next few minutes, they rambled about their morning in the way they usually would when talking to Kaz.
He ate his meal as they talked, asking questions to prompt them along at times. Too soon, they had to get back to work. With a squeeze to Kaz’s gloved wrist, Y/N slid off their chair and disappeared behind the counter. Kaz gathered his trash and threw it away before joining Anika at the door. He put his hat on and strode out, not glancing at his second.
Anika fell into step beside him, hands behind her back and expression curious. Kaz sighed. “Ask. I know you want to.”
“Who was that?”
Kaz glanced at Anika through the still pouring rain. “Why are you so curious?”
She shrugged. “Information is a currency in the Barrel and curiosity is a boon.”
Kaz was almost impressed. Still, he shook his head. “They’re someone very special to me and that’s as much currency as you’re going to get out of me. Let’s get home.”
That night, Kaz shed both his gloves and his burdens and sank into his dreams.
He looked out over the fields, saw the gentle rise of the hills and the soft sunlight filtering through the trees, and could feel his stress leaving him. Here, there were no worries, no jobs, just peace and rest. Something he greatly lacked in the waking world.
“Kaz? Are you here yet?” Y/N’s voice rang out from the house.
Kaz smiled and stepped inside, toeing off his simple work boots. “Yes, dear, I just got off work.”
“Good. I’m in the bedroom.”
Kaz followed their voice into the farmhouse’s bedroom, a small and cozy room filled with the same gentle sunlight that permeated the entire house. Y/N was lying on top of the covers, a book in front of them. Kaz chuckled and joined them on the bed, curling an arm around them and kissing the back of their neck. Y/N turned their head to smile at him. “How was the rest of your day?”
“It was okay. Long and tiring. My companions never really know how to be quiet.” It felt right, to talk about his day so casually with his soulmate. He wanted to do it more often, talk about the Crows and the Dregs, talk about how the Crow Club was doing and what new things he was planning for it and the gang. His arm curled tighter around them, hand slipping under their shirt to rub his thumb across their bare stomach.
Y/N giggled and squirmed. “Your hand is freezing!”
Kaz smiled. “Should I move?”
“No, it’s nice, just cold, that’s all.”
Kaz hummed and looked at the book they were reading. "What's that one about?"
"A Shu Han princess falls for a Zemeni farmer when she visits. They have moonlight trysts before the farmer eventually saves the heir to the throne and is given a title within the Shu kingdom."
"So they marry at that point?"
"No. The princess didn't want to be a princess, all she wanted was to be loved. So, the farmer uses her new status to get close to the princess and whisks her away to her farm in Novyi Zem, where they get married quietly and live peacefully."
Kaz kissed Y/N’s cheek. "Sounds like you've read it before."
"I have. It's a favorite of mine." Y/N’s smile faded and they rolled onto their back. “Do you want to talk about it now or save it for later?”
Kaz sobered and took a steadying breath. “Now. I promised we’d talk about it, and we will.” He didn’t need to ask them what they meant, there was only one topic of conversation that seemed to loom over them.
“Will you really answer any question I ask?”
“As truthfully as I can.”
“Okay. What do you do for a living?”
Kaz smiled. Trust them of all people to jump straight in. “I’m the leader of a gang. You met Anika today, she’s a more trusted member of that gang.”
Y/N looked at him softly. “Care to share a few more details about it? Like, the name?”
Kaz told them all about the Dregs, praising his Crows to them with words he would rarely say to the crew themselves. He answered every question they had about his past, connecting the dots well enough for his touch aversion. With a simple thought, Kaz called up a dream version of his cane and let Y/N handle it, exploring all the different facets of his identity. He usually used a plain wooden cane in the dreamscape, his limp a part of him he would never hide from them.
“Kaz, do you think I could meet your Crows?” Y/N asked, absentmindedly running their fingers over the cane. “I’m not asking to meet the whole gang, just your trusted inner circle that you’d consider to be your friends.”
Kaz hummed in thought, shifting to pull them closer into his side. “I was thinking about asking if I could see you more in person. Maybe I’ll find a few convenient reasons to send people by or to stop by myself with people in tow every now and again.”
Y/N giggled. “I’d like that.”
Kaz started them out slowly. He sent Jesper to the bakery under the ruse that it was a drop site for an informant and Y/N sent him back with a small note and a few pastries. Wylan had already met them before, having frequented the bakery while in council meetings. Kaz even managed to bring Inej there when she docked for a week.
Kaz began using his few breaks to meet up with Y/N on their own breaks. Often, they would walk by the harbor and Kaz would take off his gloves to hold their hand. Around them, he was getting more comfortable with touch but still preferred to keep physical affection for their private moments in dreams or without a crowd around.
One day a few months later, Kaz swept into the bakery, letting himself in through the back. Y/N smiled at him. “What are you doing here?”
Kaz let his coat fall over his arms and stood with both hands on the head of his cane. “You know perfectly well what I’m doing here.” He’d pulled out all the theatrics for them even though they’d discussed this plan the night before. Kaz was here to ‘steal’ his soulmate away and finally let them see what he does. Today, that happened to mainly be paperwork and a few errands.
Y/N giggled and pulled the strap of their bag over their shoulder. “Yes, Mister Rietveld, I think I do.”
Kaz held their hand and wound through the streets with them, helping Y/N onto the browboat and sitting as close to them as he could. Y/N gripped Kaz’s arm when a few particularly rough looking Black Tips strolled by. Kaz tipped his cane forward, flashing the silver crow head, and the rival gang quickly diverted elsewhere.
Soon enough, they arrived at the Crow Club. Kaz leaned down slightly to speak quietly by Y/N’s ear. “Would you like to walk through the main entrance or skip the crowd and use the side? I can always show you around after hours or during a less busy time if you’re interested in seeing the place.”
Their brow furrowed and he knew they were thinking about the large crowd that must be in there despite the early hour. “Side door, please.”
Kaz nodded and walked through the narrow alley, holding open the requested door. They walked through the dark wood halls, Y/N sticking close to Kaz’s side but looking around curiously. Kaz ushered them into his office and pulled off his coat, hanging it on the coat rack. “Feel free to make yourself comfortable. For the day and any other time you visit, this room belongs to you as well.”
Y/N nodded and looked around for a moment. Kaz pulled his gloves off and set them on the desk before sitting himself, cane resting in the nook of a slightly open drawer, and started looking over paperwork. In the corner of his eye, Kaz could see Y/N wandering the room, pulling books off the shelves and running their hands over various surfaces.
They grabbed a chair and pulled it around the desk, setting it up close to Kaz’s chair. When they turned around, Kaz pulled the chair closer to his own and went back to his work. Y/N was still across the room when a knock came from the door. They looked at Kaz over their shoulder, eyes widening, but he just held up a hand and said, “Come in,” before going back to his work.
Rotty opened the door and stepped inside, approaching the desk and not seeming to notice the other person in the room. “Kaz, I got that report on the harbor you asked for.”
“Good, put it on the desk and go.” Kaz barely glanced up from his work.
Rotty put the bundle of papers on top of a stack and turned, noticing Y/N still standing by the bookshelves. He tipped his hat to them and left, closing the door behind him. Y/N crossed the room back to Kaz’s side and sat in the chair. They kicked off their boots and curled their legs beneath them, using a slate as a surface to write on.
“You can use part of the desk if you want.” Kaz reached over and started clearing it off.
“That’s okay. It’s just a few recipes I wanted to transcribe for my own use. Besides, this is comfortable.” Y/N leaned their head on Kaz’s shoulder briefly, hair brushing against his jaw, before going back to work. Kaz nodded and planted a kiss on the top of their head before resuming his own work.
Throughout the day, people came and went to drop off reports or pick up assignments. Y/N occasionally shifted to stretch or find a new position but they always remained close to Kaz. He occasionally put a hand on their knee or arm when he thought there was a potential of them leaving while another was in the room.
Sporadically, Y/N would look over at what Kaz was working on and rest their chin on his shoulder before kissing his cheek and going back to their work. Now and again, when he felt up to it, Kaz turned his head and stole a kiss on the lips. One of these instances was in the evening when work was really kicking up for most Dregs. The door to the office opened without a knock but Kaz was too absorbed in the kiss to notice much. Jesper yelped from by the door and closed it, his hurried footsteps fading down the hall.
One of Kaz’s hands rested on Y/N’s wrist, slender fingers wrapped around the joint and pressed to their pulse to ground him. The other cupped their cheek, his thumb rubbing their cheekbone and pinky resting on the pulse point at their neck. Y/N sighed into the kiss, shifting to be practically in Kaz’s lap and enjoying every second of the attention he gave them, even as he pulled away a few seconds later. They were still working on physical contact in the waking world but it was progressing quickly, already used to the feeling of being in each other’s arms while dreaming.
Kaz escorted Y/N back to their home, waiting until they were inside before he started the trek back to the Slat. He was content and happy. Happy that his soulmate was finally in front of him while he was awake. Happy to be able to see them whenever he wanted and for longer than the few hours their sleep schedules overlapped. He was happy to be able to heal for them, always striving to be the man they need in their life.