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Buck leans against the hood of his car, no longer the Jeep he held onto until the last possible moment, and even years later it doesn’t feel right. When he leans on it, it doesn’t push in all the right spaces like the Jeep had, there’s no calming presence of the grate against his legs or pressing of the lip against his back. It’s a weird sensation, but then again, all of this is weird.
The 118 stands tall in front of him, still standing as tall as his first day, but there’s some new glow about it. They’ve done minor remodels, nothing enough to change the stories that were built here, but sometimes it still hits Buck how different everything is now. A few of his coworkers are wandering around as they work, talking and laughing as if they’re at a family gathering instead of in the firehouse at work. It settles like a reassurance in Buck’s stomach, a small grin tugging at his lips as he watches.
The truck is sparkling in the sunlight, pounding against the red surface as it steadily warms the longer it stays in the sky. Lana, one of the newer firefighters, smiles when she sees him and waves excitedly before dipping back into the gym. He doesn’t get a chance to wave back but he tells himself he will, when he gets inside. It feels weird, standing here in front of the 118 like this, with an unfamiliar car at his back and a comforting but heavy feeling in his heart.
“Hey cap!” Ravi greets, sliding up next to him and bumping their shoulders together, “Sorry, sorry, Buck , how’s your morning?”
Buck shakes his head, barely biting back the urge to look for Bobby even though it’s been years since the older man has retired. It’s been years since Buck’s taken over the station, though he still takes pause every time he hears someone call for their captain. He’s never gotten used to it, even nearly fifteen years down the line, that he’s no longer Firefighter Buckley. He’s the captain now. Or, he was the captain for one more day. One more day at the 118 and then he’s done. It aches more than it should.
“It’s weird, that’s—yeah. I mean, 32 years here Ravi. It’s been 32 years since I first walked through these doors as a firefighter.” Buck groans, throwing his head back and relishing in the sun that hits his head, running a hand through his warm hair, “It’s just weird. How are you feeling, future captain Panikkar?”
Ravi makes a face, nose scrunching up in disgust in a way that reminds Buck so much of the Ravi of years ago, when he hadn’t developed a metal stomach for the horrors they see daily. It startles a laugh out of him, though it’s wetter than Buck would’ve liked, and he claps a hand hard onto Ravi’s shoulder with a smile. Ravi stumbles forward just a little but the fingers that Buck wraps around his shoulder keep him from going too far.
“Come on, let’s get our firehouse up and running for the day.” Buck laughs, slinging an arm around the man’s shoulder and giving him a gentle half-squeeze that’s the closest to a hug he can allow himself without tears starting. Breakfast is warm and laughter is loud but Buck’s heart hurts with each pump as he eats, his team spread out in front of him.
It’s not his team though, not really. They’re his firefighters, sure, and he’d walk through fire and brimstone for each and everyone of them without ever being asked but it’s not the same. He’s at the head of the table, the seat that he still sees as Bobby’s to this day, and it makes him feel more than a little strange. The first time he sat down with this new team, almost fifteen years ago now, Eddie was still at his side.
Chimney had left, wanting to be home with a growing Jee and their new twins. It had hurt, watching his brother in law, who was his brother long before Maddie came back, leave the station for the last time. His picture still hangs on the wall beside Hen’s. She’s easily become one of the best doctors here in LA, one of the few that Buck trusts with his team without a second's hesitation. He knows that if she’s on the clock and a first responder comes through those ER doors, there’s very little that’ll stop her from being the doctor assigned to their case. Especially, on one memorable occasion, where it was Buck coming through those doors. She had still been a resident, nearing the end but still firmly below the other two that had been biting at her heels to get to him. She’d leveled them a glare and they disappeared. He doesn’t remember much outside of that day, so many years ago that he can’t be bothered to wrap his head around. Eddie had been there when he woke up, Bobby too. Some days more than others, Buck misses his captain. Bobby, who spends most days at home with Athena in that same home that Buck still knows like the back of his hand. They watch May’s kids most days, when the woman is on shift running dispatch like it’s nothing. Even now, years and years since her first day, Buck still gets a stab of pride when she’s the one on the other end of his line.
“Okay.” Buck starts after everyone has finished eating, more or less, though Ravi is still awkwardly pushing around the meal in what Buck assumes is anxiety for the announcement, “Look, let’s talk about the elephant in the room okay? Today’s the day.”
Ravi frowns just a bit, like he’s not quite ready for the news even when he’s known it for longer than anyone else other than Buck. Their probie, Cristy, mimics him as she glances at him then back up to Buck and he can see the confusion in her eyes. It’s possible she didn’t know, though he’s sure that it was mentioned when she was assigned to his house. The rest of his team are all stuck in varying degrees of sadness and intrigue, likely excited to learn who the new captain is. Especially after the rumors of it being an outsider, though Buck isn’t sure where they came from. He’d be damned if he ever let the 118 be taken over by anyone other than those who have sat at this table for long enough to know what a family is.
“It’s been an honor, serving beside each and every one of you. I’ve got to watch you grow and succeed and I know you will continue to.” Buck clears his throat, hating the way his eyes start to burn and his throat starts to ache as he holds back tears, “I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, I know these years haven’t always been easy but I couldn’t ask for a better team to work with. Now, today still may technically be my final day, but today I’m not your only Captain. Today, we’re also welcoming Captain Panikaar to the ranks, as he will be the one taking over starting next shift.”
The excitement and relief is clear and instant, smiles brightening as those surrounding the table start to clap. Ravi ducks his head but it’s not enough to hide the growing smile on his face, nor does it hide the way his cheeks flush a slight pink. Buck leans back in his chair until it rocks back onto two legs and he can’t help but smile, even as he hears Bobby screaming at him to set it straight. It was always a challenge, one that Eddie and Buck made up within the first week of their partnership, to see who could last the longest without getting yelled at by Bobby. He’s not entirely sure if there had ever been a winner declared.
Eddie’s exit from the 118 had been unforeseen and heartbreaking, Buck had spent three weeks throwing himself into every fire he could find. It wasn’t anyone's fault, not really, but the injury had been devastating and Buck still can’t forget the look on Hen’s face when she came out after that surgery. The knowledge that Eddie would never be able to be a firefighter again, that he’d be lucky if he could even walk without help, had felt like a ton of bricks hitting Buck all at once. It was safe to say, Eddie wasn’t the only one who spiraled. They survived though and now, sitting here watching his team, that felt like enough. It was enough.
The bell rings shrill and echoes around the room, bouncing off the metal walls as chairs scrape back from the table. The sound of the stairs rattling under the firefighters as they rush down them is satisfying in a way Buck will forever miss. Ravi hesitates at the top of the stairs, turning to face Buck as the older man walks towards the stairs and claps a hand on Ravi’s back.
“Let’s go Captain Panikaar. We’ve got a call.” Buck smiles even as Ravi’s face scrunches up, his obvious distaste for such a formal title clear as they make their way down the stairs to join their team. The engine is already running by the time Buck pulls himself in, not even a minute after the alarm started going off, and the headset feels familiar enough he could trace it in his sleep. He’s always sat in the same seat, even when he became captain, and despite the repeated requests from not only superiors but also fellow captains to sit in the proper seat, Buck couldn’t bring himself to. Ravi sits in it proud and Buck will never forget the look on his face the first time he let him climb into that seat, a silent promise that one day he would fulfill every title that seat holds.
“Alright everyone, single story structure fire, unknown if there are victims inside.” Buck evaluates, eyes on the tablet that Ravi passes back to him more on habit nowadays and Buck scrolls through the dispatch notes quickly, “Potential fireworks on site, caller was not clear. When we get there, Panikaar, you’re taking lead.”
Ravi blinks in surprise, hand already taking the tablet before the realization has fully hit and when he tries to give it back, Buck simply shakes his head. He settles back into his seat, watching Ravi splutter for an argument to a situation he knows he won’t win. Finally, he pulls the tablet back onto his lap and glances at the notes with a sigh.
“It’s your last day Buck.” Ravi says into the mic, even as he’s scrolling through dispatch notes and sitting proud in the captain’s seat as if he’s anybody but the man he’s meant to be. Buck still remembers their first meeting and he has a hard time wrapping his brain around the man he sees before him being the same person as their jinxing probie from years ago. Still, every time Ravi makes a call out in the field, Buck feels a rush of pride. This, though, watching Ravi be the captain he’s meant to be, Buck’s not sure he’s ever been prouder.
“And it’s your first.”
Overall, the shift goes a lot smoother than Buck expects. Ravi flourishes under his captain position, enough to the point where Buck didn’t have to step in more than a handful of times at the beginning. By the end of shift, even with a heavy heart, Buck is perfectly confident that there is nobody else that should be running the 118. As the truck comes to a stop and his feet hit the ground, it still feels weird to remember that it’ll be his last time. The concrete of the bay floor slaps beneath his boots as he slides them off and when his socked feet meet the cool ground, his heart aches in his chest.
There’s a soft uncurrent of chatter, his shift talking quietly with the incoming B shift and it makes Buck smile knowing they’ll be safe. Ravi will be a great captain and this team, Ravi’s team, will flourish under his leadership without a shadow of doubt. The knowledge that today is it, though, sits like a rock in his stomach. Buck’s hands are a little unsteady as he pushes open the door to the captain’s office and the door falls shut with a familiar bang behind him. Even with the door shut, he can still see the blobs of color through the frosted glass and he lets his eyes trail them as he walks around the office. So much of it still screams of Bobby, something that Buck had never been able to change, and even with the other two shifts changing captains repeatedly, the office never changed. In Buck’s mind, it’s always going to be Bobby’s office. The only difference, the only change that Buck had made was the wall off to the left with permission of the others. A wall to remember those who came before and he knows that by the next shift his team has, his photo will be standing proud beside his old team. Eddie and Hen and Chim, they’re all there and smiling back at him. Bobby’s above them and Buck aches beyond what he can describe.
Sometimes, when he’s not paying enough attention and a shadow of a person crosses outside the window, he thinks it’s Eddie for a split second. Sometimes, when the ambulance doors slam shut in that particular cadence that Hen’s perfected after all those years, he wonders if she’s visiting. Other times, he’ll hear someone going off about a movie that he’s never seen and he can see Chim’s face when he closes his eyes. Always disappointed that he’s never seen the movie, the demand and order to make Buck watch it falling off his tongue. Eddie would always laugh and agree, promise they’d put it on the list for their weekly movie nights. When Buck is cooking, he still can hear Bobby in his head telling him how to season something or what to do when the chicken is a little too dry. Buck’s eyes burn as his hands wrap around the lip of the desk, knuckles turning white as he tries to steady himself.
It’s funny how a building can remind him so much of people that haven’t stepped foot in it in years and Buck’s never going to forget those memories. No matter how much he loves his current team, would blindly follow them into a fire without any hesitation, there’s always that ache in the place where his original team used to stand. He wonders if it’ll go away when he walks out those doors today, when he rings that bell and completes his service within the LAFD. It’s been years and some part of Buck still doesn’t want to let go.
“Captain Buckley.” The B-Shift captain, Hector, smiles as he leans up against the door and Buck’s hands immediately start sweating for no discernible reason, “You ready to ring outta here?”
Buck swallows back tears that he can’t quite stop and nods instead of speaking, his throat too tight for the words to come out anything but a squeak. It’s a tradition, ringing the bell one last time before a firefighter leaves their last shift. It’s something that Buck remembers looking forward to, way back when he first joined. That golden bell, sitting so proud out by the door, and Buck’s watched so many firefighters leave by it. He’s always been eager for his turn. Now, he’d do anything to just have one more day. Just one more day and yet, Buck knows that this is how it’s meant to end. So he steels himself and nods, hands clenched into fists as he swallows past the lump in his throat.
“Let’s do this.” Buck nods and he’s unsurprised that when he crests the doorway, every member of both shifts are crowded around the door. Ravi’s holding Buck’s bag in one hand and even from here, he can see the pictures of his original team stuffed protectively into the front pocket. His chest aches as he grabs it and blinks rapidly through the blurry vision before he steps up. Hector says some words that don’t quite hit their target and the bell chimes beautifully in the somehow silent air. It continues to echo behind him as Buck takes those final steps out of the 118.
There’s a bunch of cars in his driveway when Buck pulls in and it’s nowhere as surprising as it would be on any other day. The house, one that Buck sometimes still can’t believe he owns, stands out against the neighborhood, having been modified more times than Buck could count. Small mercies, he thinks, to be able to find some place that is so indescribably his own.
“Hey.” Eddie greets softly as Buck slides out of the Jeep, leaning against one of the pillars on the porch and Buck’s ring feels cold on his finger. Eddie slides an arm around his waist, pulling him close and pressing a sweet kiss onto his lips. Even after being married for almost twenty years, Buck still hasn’t gotten over the pure love that he has for Eddie.
“Hey.” Buck whispers back, his voice steady and quiet enough that it almost disappears in the wind, Eddie’s arms tighten around him, holding him close enough that each breath he sucks in presses them impossibly closer. There’s nowhere else he’d rather be.
“All of them are inside, everyone’s here, just like it’s always been. Bobby’s even kicked me out of the kitchen.” Eddie pouts a little even as Buck laughs, ducking his head until it leans against Eddie’s shoulder and he shives when Eddie presses his lips against his forehead, “Come on, everyone’s excited.”
“Yeah—yeah, I am too.” Buck admits, tangling their fingers together and smiling when the rings clack against each other. Leaving the 118 was something Buck had never planned for, back when he first started. It wasn’t even really planned now. But with his family in front of him and Eddie by his side, there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.