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Tommy sat on the chair in Puffy's office, staring down at the floor in an effort to avoid eye contact. He had no idea how to start off the session and was terrified of breaking the silence.
Puffy decided to speak first and Tommy couldn't tell if he was grateful or not.
"What brought you back to therapy?"
Nevermind, he wasn't that grateful. What little was left of his hearing had betrayed him. This was not how he wanted to start today’s conversation. Tommy drew a breath in the hopes that it would help him keep it together.
"Puffy, I…" Tommy trailed off
"Yes?" Puffy's voice was calm, though faint, and Tommy knew that if he looked at her, he would find no judgement on her face. Even after everything he lost, he still could read emotions, a fact he was supremely grateful for.
"I had some factors that prevented me from coming but I've managed to figure out how to deal with them."
Tommy heard a kind smile in Puffy's voice. "Sounds good Tommy, now would you like to get us started today?"
"Why do I still love people who hurt me?"
Puffy drew in a breath before responding. "That's a tricky one, Tommy. What prompted this?"
Tommy fidgeted in his seat, still not looking at Puffy herself. "Well, I was having a conversation with someone-"
The blond sat under a tree, clutching a bundle of blankets to his chest, staring at the door that stood not even 10 feet away. Part of him was terrified that if he looked away, he wouldn’t be able to get home. A shadow fell over him, causing him to jerk away in reflex.
A low snicker met his ears and he relaxed as he recognized the person standing over him.
“Dickhead,” Tommy muttered, smiling up at the person above him, patting the dirt next to him.
The other settled in next to him. “So how’s therapy going?” The arched brow told Tommy that the other knew he hadn’t been attending his sessions.
“Asshole, you know I can’t go.”
“Oh?” This time the question was genuine. “You know I’m here for you, I can always help.”
Tommy wavered, “Well, I-”
"-and they gave me some things to think about."
He could barely make out the sound of the scratching of her pen on the pad of paper in front of her.
"Well in answer to your question, I think it has to do with the fact you did love them. You have a big heart, Tommy, and so much love to give. You haven't found other people to give your love to, not that you have to. But the most important factor is that you have given yourself time and space to allow yourself to heal and move on from them."
Tommy peeked up at Puffy, still fearful of her turning on him in his state of weakness. The sheep hybrid was unrecognisable, though Tommy brushed that to the side as that was his new normal. Not that he would tell her that, not yet, nor would he tell her about how grey the world had become. "Is it wrong for me to still love them?"
"Absolutely not, Tommy. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Feelings change, shift, and warp with time. Even then, even if they change, your feelings are perfectly valid. Love is a hard thing to grow for people and sometimes your love for someone will stick around longer than the person does. Even if a person hurts you, it doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong, it just means you need time."
“Love is a hard and complex topic and I’m possibly the worst person to ask about the subject, but you matter, so your feelings matter, no matter how off-base they are. It just means you need time and space to process and re-evaluate how you feel. Shit changes and you’ve been clinging to these idealised people in your head to cope for far too long to change how you feel about them overnight. Doesn’t matter how shit they treat you, love is tricky like that.
Just live apart from them, make them come to you to prove their worth, and if they don’t bother, then that’s on them. Then you can cut yourself free of them and learn to stand apart from them.
Feelings are hard and dumb but you aren’t dumb for having them.”
Tommy leaned over to rest his head on the other’s shoulder. He smiled softly at the other before ducking his head down to croon over the bundle in his arms.
Tommy relaxed back into his chair. "How do I move on?"
“Everyone moves on and heals in their own way. I feel that the best way is to find healthy coping mechanisms and give it time. Time is probably the most important factor of healing and no amount of impatience can rush it along.”
“Just find something to do. You already have the kid to focus on, don’t pay those bastards any attention. Did you have anything you liked to do?”
Tommy quirked his lips. “Drugs?”
His companion rolled their eyes. “Healthy habits, idiot, you want to set a good example for the kid.” Tommy could almost see the teasing fondness dripping off the words.
The amusement dropped from his face and he turned his attention to the baby nestled in his arms. “Well, I used to work with fabrics, sewing and shit and I like knitting and crochet but I can’t do those anymore.”
“Why?”
“You know why.” Tears filled Tommy’s eyes and he desperately tried to blink them away before he started crying.
“Is this about your colour problem, because I can ID colours for you and label them and shit so you can get back into your habits.”
Tommy whipped his head up to stare at the other. “You’d…you’d do that for me?” His voice was quiet and hesitant.
A twitch of the other’s lips was all they managed, “We’re ride or die friends, TommyInnit, and colour sorting is far from the worst thing I’ve had to do for someone.”
"Is it healthy for me to make new friends at the moment?"
“As long as you feel you can trust them, Tommy, then absolutely. Friends are essential for human development and even after your brain finishes developing, they are required for your long-term health. However, saying that, the relationship has to be healthy so be careful, but go ahead. If you wanted, we could do a group session with them, but only if you are comfortable with that.”
“I…I think that would be good but maybe a little later.”
Puffy smiled at him, and wrote something, probably about a group session, down in her notes.
“Why are you willing to befriend me, after all I ruin everything I touch and nowadays no one is willing to be my friend, they’ve all moved onto greener pastures.” Tommy said bitterly, not even looking at the person who sat down near him.
“Because what you offer is what I’m looking for.” They said mysteriously.
Tommy curled tighter around Shroud. “Everything I can offer to you, Ranboo can do better, why don’t you go befriend him?”
The other shook their head. “While you both may offer loyalty, Ranboo wouldn’t pick me above others. He wants to put everyone in his life on an equal playfield of loyalty, but one day that will fall apart and someone will have to come out ahead and there’s no way that that someone will be me, not when he’s closer to so many others than me. You, on the other hand, have been pushed to the side and forgotten by everyone who you love. Plus, you’ve always been more loyal to whoever you put first than Ranboo could be.”
The bluntness of the other made Tommy flinch but he couldn’t deny their words. However, “I can’t put you first, not like you want, because I’ve already picked someone else.”
The sudden blankness in the other’s eyes saddened Tommy.
“Still picking Tubbo even after he proved he won’t pick you?”
Tommy let out a shuddering breath before he moved his arms about so he could pull the blankets back in order to more clearly reveal the bundle in his arms as a baby. “No, not Tubbo, he made his decision blindingly clear and I will respect it. This is Shroud, he’s a spider hybrid that someone left outside my door and I promised myself when I saw him that I would protect him with all I have and that I would put him before everything else.”
The other leaned forward to look at Shroud, who had blinked awake when his blankets had been shifted. The pair locked eyes and stared at each other for a minute before they spoke again.
“Well, I’ll take second place to them, this one is a respectable one to lose out to. However, I swear to you Tommy, that unless something changes drastically, that I won’t make you choose between us and if you ever need some, I’m willing to lend a hand,” here they wrinkled their nose, “except change diapers. I will not do that.”
"Would you blame me if I decided to move away from here?"
“If you think it would help you to heal and move on, then I encourage you to do so. We can always do sessions over comm or one of us can travel to the other. As long as you are comfortable wherever you move, I give my support to this venture. Frankly, it can’t be good for you to live by yourself near the L’Manhole, so a move would be great for you.”
“What do you think of leaving?” His companion lay on their back, staring up at the stars above.
Tommy tilted his head in thought. “You know, back in Pogtopia, Tubbo and I talked about running away. Neither of us thought about it with any real seriousness, but I think I like it, as long as you come with me.”
The other scoffed. “Obviously, you wouldn’t last a day without me and we’re friends, so I have to come along to make sure you don’t die.”
Tommy rolled his eyes. “I would do perfectly fine without you as I am the biggest of men and thus need nobody.”
The other snorted, not even bothering to respond to the blatant lie. The silence didn’t irritate Tommy, as he felt the other wasn’t ignoring him or disregarding him, but it wasn’t in their nature to be all that talkative.
“Well then,” Tommy smiled at Puffy before standing up, “I might just do that, go out into the world to do big man shit.”
Puffy smiled at him before leaning over and hugging him. “Promise me that if you ever need me, you won’t hesitate to comm.”
Tommy smiled a little at her concern. “Promise Captain Pussy.”
The other rolled her eyes and laughed before gesturing at the door.
He headed to it and opened it but before he could step outside, Puffy called his attention once more.
“Are you happy?”
A fragile but genuine smile graced Tommy’s face, “You know what Captain, I think I am.” With that, he stepped out of the therapy office and into the sunlight, not hesitating to move to his friend’s side.
-----
Two figures stood before a small dirt hut. Both blonds were staring at each other with packs slung over their shoulders. The taller one was holding a baby with great care and the other had stuffed their hands into their hoodie pocket.
The shorter nodded at the taller in silent acknowledgement before turning away and beginning to walk, the other trailing behind him.
The pair left the old building in their wake, ready to start a new life, leaving behind the ruins of their old one.
Not long after they had disappeared into the distance, the small dirt hut was destroyed by an explosion emanating from inside it. The only remaining sign of the former home which once stood there was an old oak tree, worn and weathered from its age.