Chapter Text
It always hit him the same way, the first time he caught a glimpse of that face he knew better than his own. Could it still be considered a first time when he didn't even know how many first times there had been? This could be the hundredth, the thousandth first time.
Each time was different but it always felt the same. Like all of the air had been sucked from his lungs. Like a boa was constricting around his heart, restricting his blood flow. Like, in that moment, his life was finally starting. It was excitement; it was fear, hope, and longing all swirling together with his fluttering heartbeat. That was how he felt now, as he watched the silver haired boy walk into the coffee shop and slip his apron over his head.
He'd done it again.
Daichi had found Suga again.
And this time he planned on keeping him.
***
You're incredibly lucky if you happen to find your soul mate in your lifetime. Daichi had found his hundreds of times. Over hundreds of lifetimes.
You're incredibly lucky if you get to spend that lifetime with your soul mate. Daichi hadn't. Not once.
He couldn't remember the first life. Who knows how long ago it was. The farther back he tried to remember the foggier his memories became, until they all muddled together with Suga being the only distinguishable feature. Always present. Always just out of reach.
If he couldn't start with the first then he'd start with his favorite, the oldest one he could remember clearly. That could be his first.
Back then he hadn't quite figured it out. He didn't understand his magnetic pull towards the fair haired son of the man his father worked for. They grew up together, running through the rice fields that Suga's father owned and Daichi's father tended. There were other kids around but they weren't important. Daichi only needed Suga. It was 1791 when he met him, when his "first" life began.
Daichi came from a poor family. His mother died when he was seven leaving him, an only child, to follow his father to the rice fields every morning before the sun. It was normal for the children of the workers to spend the days splashing around their toiling parents, but other kids never paid any attention to Daichi. It was as if they could tell he was different, as if they could smell abnormality on him like a pheromone. Over time he had built icy walls around himself to keep them out. Being alone was better that being misunderstood.
When they arrived Daichi scanned the land on which he would be forced to spend every day for the foreseeable future. Fields and fields of water stretched out before him with thin stocks of green shooting out into the air, narrow muddy paths connecting them together.
"Do I have to stay here?" His voice squeaked, clutching the handle of the basket he was holding tighter with his two tiny hands.
His father just grunted and bent down to start his work. Sighing in defeat, Daichi set the basket down and turned away. He wanted to find a quiet place to hide before the other children started to arrive.
The water level was right above his knees, making it hard to walk, so he waded slowly through, trying his hardest not to lose his balance amongst the tangled plant life.
The sky was still dark when he saw it. A silver glow hidden between the green rice stalks, shining out like a moonbeam. His heart skipped a beat.
Daichi instinctively moved towards it like a magnet being pulled toward a pole, his short legs splashing loudly as he attempted to run. When he got close enough he reached his hand forward to grasp at the light, fingertips stretching as far as they could, desperate to touch it. Before his fingers could find their destination the glow giggled and splashed away from him, stopping just a few yards ahead.
"Hey!" He yelled. The light gave out another giggle. Daichi ran forward again, and the silver light evaded him a second time, stopping far enough away to be safe but close enough to mock him.
"Come back!" Daichi called out, desperation thick in his voice, as he lurched forward. His legs tangled in a rice stalk and he fell forward, muddy water encompassing his body, filling his mouth and clouding his vision. He came up gasping and sputtering, coughing out the water he had instinctively breathed in.
When he opened his eyes they were met with a pair of round warm brown ones. He was nose to nose with a small boy, grinning from ear to ear. Daichi was too stunned to be startled, so he just stared.
"Are you ok?" The boy asked, giggling. Daichi lifted his head to eye silver mop of hair atop the boys head, then down to his eyes and the small mark right below the left one, then all the way down to his smile, completely taken in.
"Are you the moon?" He asked, breathless. Bewildered.
The boys smile grew wider, if that was possible, and he laughed. It was like music.
"Of course not," he said, reaching his hand out to help Daichi stand.
He took it.
"I'm Koushi," the boy said.
"Kou...shi," Daichi said slowly, wiping the mud from his clothes and thinking, "light...star? You are the moon!" He exclaimed. He could see a light pink tinge the cheeks of his new friend. His first friend.
"Not exactly. It's light heart, not light star," Koushi explained, "but you were close."
The sun was starting to rise, replacing the pale moonlight with the gold of dawn.
"I'm Daichi," he introduced himself.
"Great earth?" Koushi asked, wrinkling his nose and giggling.
"Great wisdom," Daichi corrected. Koushi's eyes grew wide, reflecting the golden sunrise in his irises.
"Then you must be very smart," he said in hushed awe. Now it was Daichi's turn to blush.
"N-not really," he stammered, suddenly insecure.
He looked up and Koushi was smiling again. It must have been contagious because Daichi couldn't stop himself from joining in. Koushi looked away for a moment, thinking.
"Have you ever caught a frog?" He asked, a sly grin on his face.
"No. I've never been to the rice fields before," he admitted.
"I grew up here," Koushi declared proudly, "I know all the best spots for frogs."
Daichi was impressed in the way only a seven year old could be.
"Come on I'll show you!" Koushi grabbed Daichi's small hand in his own and started to lead him away to a field west of the one they were standing in. Daichi was too surprised and excited to argue.
"We're going to be best friends," Koushi said, turning around to flash a smile at Daichi who was still dazed from the flurry of energy that was his new friend.
Daichi felt that the warmth of that smile was strong enough to melt the ice he'd built up for so long.
***
Just as Koushi had promised he and Daichi were inseparable. They spent every day together from dawn until dusk. They caught frogs and fish, and later in the year tadpoles. They drew pictures in the muddy pathways along the edges of the fields. They raced through the water as fast as their short legs could carry them, and eventually their legs weren't so short anymore. They laughed together. They grew together. They fell in love.
At what point does friendship and adoration turn into love? There wasn't a specific point that Daichi could say was the moment he knew he loved Koushi. He loved him from the moment he met him but it took years for him realize just how deeply.
They were twelve when Daichi learned that Koushi loved him too. It was summer and the sun was high, burning the back of their necks and reflecting off of the surface of the water. They were weaving together thin strips of rice stalk to use as fishing string on the ends of sticks. After five years of practice they were masters of fishing with what they could scavenge in the fields.
Koushi held up his string for Daichi to inspect.
"How's that?" He asked.
"It's too thin. The fish are really big this time of year. They'll snap it too easily," he answered, adding another strip to his own string. Koushi nodded. Neither of them heard the footsteps approaching them through the mud.
"S-Sugawara-san?" A small voice squeaked. Startled, they both turned to see a girl about their age standing behind them. Her hands were clasped tightly together, her cheeks flushed and her dark eyes wide. She had long dark hair swept over her shoulder and Daichi thought she was quite pretty.
"I was wondering," she looked down, nervous, "would you like to take a walk with me today?" She asked.
Koushi flashed her his usual bright smile and her blush deepened.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going fishing with my friend today," he explained.
"O-oh okay," she stuttered. She bowed quickly and turned to leave, clearly upset, and Koushi turned around to continue working on his string.
Daichi watched the girl leave, stunned.
"You didn't have to do that," he said. He was glad Koushi had stayed but he also didn't want him to lose the opportunity to talk to a pretty girl just to make Daichi happy.
"Do what?"
"Turn her down. She was pretty."
Koushi looked down the path at the girl's retreating figure, thinking.
"Yeah I guess so. I wasn't really paying attention," he admitted.
"You can still go. She's not that far away," Daichi said.
"Do you want me to go?" He asked, trying to hide the hurt in his eyes.
"No. Of course not."
"Good, I don't want to go. I'd rather spend my time with you," he smiled. That smile that Daichi loved so much. "I'd pick you over any pretty girl," he added with a wink.
He turned back to his string as if he hadn't just made Daichi's heartbeat speed up so fast he was sure Koushi could hear it pounding against his ribcage.
In his own way, a way that Daichi could understand completely, Koushi had just said "I love you". And he knew without having to ask that Daichi loved him too.
***
When he was fifteen Daichi's father told him that it was time he started working in the fields instead of playing in them. So the next morning he showed up with a knife and a basket of his own, just like the one he usually carried for his father.
Koushi found him just as the gold from the sunrise was touching the tips of the rice stocks.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"Working," Daichi answered.
"Why?"
"My father said I'm old enough to stop playing," he explained. He stood up straight and put on an angry scowl, scrunching up his eyebrows as best he could. "It's time you be a man," he growled out in his best impression of his father. Koushi's laugh was like music.
Daichi smiled and returned to his work, listening to the boy dissolving into giggles behind him.
"I'll help you," Koushi said after he regained his composure, moving to stand next to his friend.
"You don't have to," Daichi said, secretly hoping Koushi would stay with him.
"I know," he said, smiling, "but I want to."
They worked for a while in the morning sun talking easily like they always did. They'd spent every day for eight years together and yet they had never run out of things to say to each other.
The field they were in had been drained for the harvest, leaving it an ankle-deep mud pit.
Daichi was shaking rice grains into his basket, not paying attention to anything in particular, when Koushi slapped a big sloshing handful of mud across his cheek.
"Hey!" He yelled turning to see that Koushi had already started sprinting away, laughing loudly.
He took off after him, sloshing through the mud as fast as he could. When he was close Koushi turned to around, laughing and taunting him, running backwards through the mud with ease.
Daichi stretched a hand out, grasping for the other boy. His fingers grazed the fabric over his chest and Koushi lost his balance, landing with a loud smack as his back hit the thick mud. Daichi's legs tangled with Koushi's and he fell too, both hands landing on either side of Koushi's head, their faces so close their noses were practically touching.
They sat like that for a moment, stunned and breathless.
Koushi smiled, that sly grin he had the first time he asked Daichi if he had ever caught a frog.
Without a word he wrapped his muddy arms around Daichi's neck and pulled him down to meet his lips.
Their first kiss was soft and sweet and perfect. Daichi could still remember how Koushi's lips felt pressed against his own, how he tasted of mud and honey. On some mornings, when he wakes up too early and he can see the first golden rays of the day touching the ocean outside of his window, he can feel that kiss still lingering on his lips as if it had just happened.
When the work day ended they walked back together, covered head to toe in mud, fingers intertwined and laughing.
***
For the last two years their life had been stolen kisses and silent I love you's. Like a summer love that never ended. After a while, just spending the day together wasn't enough. When the work days would end Koushi and Daichi would spend as much time as they could spare sitting under a tree on a hill that overlooked the rice plantation. It was a place that belonged only to them.
Daichi was there now, waiting in the dark for the other boy to arrive.
That afternoon when Koushi had asked if they could meet up he had seemed a little distressed. When Daichi asked what was bothering him he switched seamlessly into his normal smiling self, but Daichi wasn't convinced. Now, sitting there alone, he worried about what Koushi wanted to discuss that could've possibly put a damper on that smile. Caught in his own thoughts Daichi didn't notice the familiar figure approaching him. He only looked up when Koushi was standing right in front of him.
It had been ten years since they'd met and Daichi was still mesmerized by how beautiful Koushi looked in the moonlight. When his skin was drained of color and his hair glowed like Daichi's own private star. He'd never get used to it. He'd never get tired of it.
Koushi sat down, frowning, and Daichi reflexively reached out to tuck a stray lock of shining hair behind his ear.
"What's wrong?" He asked, his hand lingering on Koushi's cheek, thumb caressing the freckle beneath his eye. He turned his face to press a kiss to Daichi's palm, letting out a deep sigh.
"Kou-," he was cut off as Koushi pulled him into a kiss. The kiss was fiercer than any they'd shared before. It felt frantic, like Koushi was trying to communicate all of his upset feeling to Daichi through his lips. His hands twisted in Daichi's short dark hair, strong yet gentle, and Daichi cupped the other boy's face.
Koushi broke the kiss and pressed his face against Daichi's chest, letting out a noise somewhere between a sigh and a sob.
"What is it?" Daichi asked, rubbing Koushi's back softly.
"My father," he started, voice shaking, "he's making me-,"
He stopped, taking a deep calming breath as Daichi trailed his hand up his back and into his hair.
"Shhh it'll be okay, take your time," he soothed. He could feel a wetness spreading across his chest from Koushi's silent tears.
"My father is making me get married."
Just like that Daichi's world came crashing down around him. Koushi had been a constant in his life for ten years and he couldn't imagine himself without him. It would be like imagining himself without a heart, seemingly whole but falling apart on the inside. He was nothing without Koushi.
"Daichi what are we going to do?" Koushi asked, lifting his head, puffy red eyes meeting Daichi's blank stare.
"What can we do?"
He could feel the ice growing back around him, freezing him in place.
"Run away with me," Koushi said, siting back on his knees to look Daichi in the eyes, determined.
"We don't have anywhere to go," the ice was thickening little by little, surrounding him.
"That doesn't matter if we have each other, Daichi please," tears were welling up in Koushi's chocolate eyes again.
"I can't take care of you Koushi, we can't go. You'll be safest doing what your father says," he couldn't breathe. The ice was too thick.
"Don't say that," he whispered, he sounded so small. He grabbed Daichi's shirt and pulled him forward, kissing him hard. Daichi could taste salt where Koushi's tears had slipped down to his lips.
"I can't be without you, I love you, don't make me be without you," he said, his voice ragged, pressing kisses to every part of Daichi's face he could reach.
"It's what's best for you," Daichi said, barely choking the words out.
He felt like he was detached from himself. Like the real Daichi was stuck behind his wall of ice screaming for Koushi to stay, beating his fists against the wall, watching as his other self pushed Koushi away.
"Is that it then? You're not even going to try?" Koushi asked, broken. The hurt showing on his face shattering Daichi's heart.
"There's nothing I can do Koushi. I love you. I love you so much," his voice was empty. Defeated.
Koushi leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Daichi's, closing his eyes and taking a ragged breath. He cupped Daichi's face and brushed their lips together, just the whisper of a kiss.
"If you loved me then you would fight for me."
Daichi didn't feel it as Koushi let go of his face and stood to leave. He was completely numb, frozen inside and out.
He faintly heard Koushi stop before walking back down the hill, turning to him and whispering, "goodbye Daichi."
It was hours before Daichi moved. The sun was rising, lighting the fields of water below him on fire with its orange light. He watched the fire spread out below him, and whispered to himself.
"Goodbye, Moon."