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"Well, yeah. People lie. I'm not condoning it, but we wouldn't have jobs if people didn't lie, JJ. You know this. Why are you surprised?"
The team watched with some trepidation as Spencer paced back and forth in the Round Table Room. The tension following Emily's return hadn't truly abated and it was most evident during interactions between Spencer and JJ. This particular conversation, sparked by a case detail, had the potential to be explosive, considering the size of JJ's lie to the team. Spencer had, as yet, not pushed that button during the conversation. His manner, though, made them all uneasy. He was clearly trying not to say something but none of them were certain exactly what he was hiding.
"You don't," JJ offered. She knew, of course, that he had, often. He told them that he was fine. He promised he'd call if he needed help. He'd hidden his drug addiction. But he was, ironically, the most honest member of the team.
Spencer stopped his pacing, stared at her, and laughed. He tilted his head and asked, "Are you serious right now? Have you ever even met me?"
JJ wasn't willing to back down. Clearly something was wrong and she needed to find out what it was.
"So, what's the last lie that you told me?"
"No. Just no. We're not going there in the middle of work."
"Why not?"
"Because I rather like my job," Spencer answered hysterically. "Because I'm not insane. Because I don't want to lose everything. Okay? Just drop it."
Spencer picked up his messenger bag and headed for the door but his unit chief's voice stopped him in his tracks. "Reid."
Spencer turned slowly. "Yes?"
"You're not going to be fired. Consider this your free pass to say whatever without consequence. But you can't walk away right now."
Spencer closed his eyes and breathed. "Okay. Fine. JJ asked if I'd gone back to Dilaudid because Emily had died. I said no. It was once, just one night. There wasn't supposed to be a next morning, okay? I couldn't handle losing her. I was just done. So, I decided to be done. My asshole of a dealer figured it out, though, and gave me some which wasn't nearly as potent as it was supposed to be and I woke up in time to come to work the next morning. So, yes, I went back, just not the way she meant."
His family sat stunned. Spencer mumbled, "I need coffee," and left the room. Three seconds later everyone broke out of their shock and rushed after him.
"Pretty Boy," Morgan said, sweeping a very startled Spencer up into a tight hug, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so incredibly grateful for your dealer."
Spencer just hummed and patted Morgan's back.
Hotch and Dave shared a look. "Spencer," Hotch called. "Come to my office, please."
Spencer sighed and followed the two senior profilers.
"Take a seat, please. Like I said, there aren't going to be consequences for what you told us. There are some things we need to know, though."
Spencer sighed again. "You want to know if I'm still suicidal."
"Well, yes. You're important to us and we want to be here to support you."
Spencer nodded his head in acknowledgement. "I appreciate it. You are helping. The answer isn't really a yes or no, though."
"That's a start," Dave acknowledged. "Can you explain how you'd qualify it, then?"
Spencer considered. "I think the best term here would be passively suicidal. Am I sitting at home with my gun to my head? Not anymore, no. Do I wake up each morning kind of wishing the overdose had worked? Yes. So, it's kind of both yes and no. And before you ask, I'm working with my therapist. She knows about the overdose and we've switched my medication. The fundamental problem is that biochemical depression mixing with situational depression is messy. It's not exactly a straightforward do x and then y and it's all better. This will take time."
"That's fair," Hotch agreed. "What can we do to help right now?"
Spencer took another moment to consider. "Just be there, please. And if you can, get JJ to back off. She has absolutely no idea the ramifications of this lie and it's going to take me time to forgive her. She's the one I consistently turned to and she wants immediate forgiveness. That's not possible."
"I'll talk with her," Hotch promised.
Spencer looked up. "I really didn't want to worry any of you."
"We know, Piccolo. And I'm so proud of you, both for working with your therapist and for telling us. Neither of those is easy."
Spencer laughed wetly as he tried not to cry. "Well, I'm pretty sure she's actually a mind reader. She'd make an incredible profiler. So, that may have been partly some latent self-preservation, telling her."
"Either way," Hotch said with a smile, "I'm proud of you, too."
"Thanks."
"What are you thinking right now?"
"That I so don't want to have this conversation with Garcia," Spencer laughed.
Dave laughed. "I'm pretty sure your desk is going to be buried under cookies for awhile."
"Will she be okay, though?"
"She's going to be pretty worried about you, kiddo. We all are. But she'll be okay."
Spencer nodded again.
Dave looked to Hotch. "How about Hotch and I go talk to the team, including Garcia, and you take some time in here?"
"That sounds perfect, thanks."
"Is there anything specific you want them to know or not know?"
"Maybe don't give them the detail about the gun?" Spencer said, wincing. "What I really want them to know is that it's going to be okay, at some point. I just need my family to do what they always do."
"I think we can all agree to that," Hotch said, standing. "Now, do you want to wait in here or go get coffee?"
"Can I go get coffee and then come back?"
"Of course."
Hotch and Dave headed to the Round Table Room, gathering the team as they went.
"What did he say?" Morgan demanded as soon as the door was shut. "Is he safe now?"
Hotch considered. "I do believe he's safe. I also think that, while Emily's death played a large part in it, from his explanation, the depression was already present. The speed and severity of the decline were definitely affected by Emily's death and it's going to take him quite awhile to forgive JJ in particular. He also knows the underlying issues and that this just sort of tipped the scale."
Dave studied Hotch. "I agree. He didn't outright say that, but he said enough that I'm fairly certain as well. Spencer's been working with his therapist, with whom he already had a working relationship, and he's on new medication. Apparently his last medication had already started to be less effective before this began. Whether either he or the therapist was aware of that, I don't know, but I'd guess they hadn't realized how significantly it had failed, at the least."
Hotch continued. "He really doesn't want to discuss this. He's worried about the team, Garcia in particular, being affected by this. He wants all of you to know that he's going to be okay, in time. It will just take time to get there."
Dave looked to Garcia. "We promised him you'd channel your worry for him into cookies, actually."
"That I can do," she agreed.
"How can we help?" Emily asked.
"Spencer said we already are. Just the normal forms of support we already provide each other are what he wants most. He didn't tell us because he knew we'd worry, but I suspect there's also some level of shame about the Dilaudid he's not ready to acknowledge. He isn't okay right now. He will be once the medication is fully working and once he's had time to process everything surrounding Emily's death. Until then, he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want you to acknowledge it. Just bake cookies and watch Dr. Who and be your normal selves. That will help."
Morgan studied the unit chief carefully. "You're certain about this."
"I am. He was far more open than I'd expected. He asked us not to give you graphic detail, but he did give that to us. He explained where he's at now as compared to where he was when he overdosed. He's making definite progress."
"Do we have any sort of timeline?" Garcia asked. "Are we looking at weeks or months?"
Hotch and Dave looked to each other again.
Hotch began, "Spencer's explanation was that when biochemical depression meets up with situational depression, it's messy. It will take time. I don't think he knows, at this point, what that precisely will be."
Dave continued, "He's been on the new medication for several weeks at least. He didn't provide us with a date, so we don't know exactly. Antidepressants can take six weeks to take full effect and he's got a lot to process as well. I don't think we're looking at months, though."
"We do need to not pressure him for immediate forgiveness," Hotch added. "That's, in his words, not possible. So much more came from this lie than we had realized. I'm sure there's more he hasn't shared, as well. Giving him time will be important."
"I can do that," JJ breathed.
"Right now he's getting coffee and then taking some time in Hotch's office," Dave said. "What I'd like us to do is have dinner at my place tonight. We're not going to discuss what he said. We're not going to treat him any differently. We're going to behave normally as if he hadn't shared this. That will help him see that he doesn't have to hide."
Hotch nodded. "I think that's a good idea. He's very concerned about our reactions and that sharing this will have hurt us. My door is always open if you need to discuss this. Please don't discuss it with him, though, unless he initiates a conversation about it."
Hotch got a text. He handed his phone to Dave. "Do you have any more questions at this point?"
The profilers shook their heads. "Alright, then. Spencer would like Dave and me to return to my office. He's ready to share some more. I'll let him know about dinner, too."
Once the others had left the Round Table Room, Dave looked to Hotch. "This can't be good."
"No, probably not. If he's willing to share, though, I'm willing to listen. Let's go."
The two senior profilers returned to find Spencer pacing. "There's one more thing you should know. I really don't want to answer questions. It's just, you might find out otherwise and you should be prepared."
"Alright."
"It's not often, at least not anymore, but I've been struggling with self-harm since Dad left. That started again, too, when Emily died. I'm needing it less as time goes on, but if something were to reopen at work..."
"You don't want it to be a whole new surprise," Dave completed.
Spencer looked relieved. "Exactly."
"This is also something your therapist knows, I assume," Hotch said carefully.
"Yes," Spencer confirmed.
"Alright. Thank you for warning us. Please know that you can always come to any of us if you need help. We're more than willing to listen or simply distract you."
"Thanks."
"We're also planning a team dinner tonight," Hotch said. "We've explained what you need from them as well as what you've identified would not help. This is basically a chance to relax together. They need to see you in order to really believe that it's going to be okay and this will also give them a chance to prove they can treat you the same as they did before this all came out."
Spencer sighed. "This makes me nervous, but it's also probably exactly the right call."
"We won't even let Emily get drunk this time," Dave answered with a smile, which made Spencer laugh.
"By the way, Hotch, I finished all my files. Any more ready?"
Hotch handed him a stack and Spencer exited the office.
He'd barely sat down before a rubber band hit him in the forehead. He looked up to see Morgan grinning wickedly and picked up a rubber band of his own.