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No.
I can’t…breathe.
He didn’t...
He wouldn’t...
Wouldn’t he?
Oh God…
The sound of the gunshot so loud against my fear…
He’s just testing me…my ability to think clearly...
He’s laughing right now because they’re alright…they are…
I’ll find them…I’ll find him…and if he…if…
I will...
End. Him.
The team…
They…they…
I can’t wait for them…
The house.
There’s time…there has to be!
- -
The front door slams open, reverberating in the silence.
The monster is lurking somewhere in the shadows.
Jack…
Concentrate!
Darkness covers familiar places, begging for the light.
- -
I hold the light high as desperation exploits my breathing, rushed breath forcing its way out of me like a shotgun in the stillness.
Blood blooms in the light’s vision…a trail leading upwards…
They’re up there…he’s up there…
I’m coming for you.
- -
It’s too quiet.
More blood…an open door…
Please…no…
I see…I see…
I can’t breathe.
No!!!
Oh God, no…
I can’t…I can’t…
Stop! Breathe…He’s here…he’s…there!
- -
The bullets rage, as light filters in.
He’s dead…I got him…I got…
No!
NO!!!
I can’t let him get away!
The rage ricochets into me and I am lost. I can’t be here…not me…not this me…
I won’t feel the pain…
I can’t feel the pain…
There IS NO pain.
- -
“After I finish you…
…I’m going to find that little bastard son of yours…
…and I’m going to show him both of his dead parents.
And I’m going to tell him that it was…
All.
Your.
Fault.”
My vision flashes white, then red…
…and I welcome you, rage.
Take me.
- -
My fist smashes down against his face, rebounding against the mockery on his bloodstained lips.
“Okay…you got me, I surrender!”
It’s too late.
Images burn in my head; fireworks of regret and blood and death and…
Haley.
Fury enraptures me…
Until blood…turns to bone.
And I can’t stop…
…I don’t WANT to stop.
I let it take me…and I’m caught in the wave of its terrible memories…as I…
POUND…
…and I…
RAGE…
And it feels…right…and it feels good…and I don’t want to stop!
I’ll never stop…I’ll never…
Hands yank me back…and the rage implodes…then…fizzles…
NO! Not yet!!
“HOTCH…he’s DEAD! Hotch, STOP! Come on, STOP! It’s over…
…it’s over, it’s okay…it’s over, man.”
…and I am battered…left with nothing but emptiness, darkness and the agonizing truth…
She’s really dead.
I wasn’t fast enough.
I can’t…I can’t breathe…
- -
A sparking flash of memory…
“I worked the case with you, Dad.”
Hope hits me so hard, I almost black out…but I can’t…not yet.
I have to know.
I pull away and staggering, I run towards a memory of when a smile came so easily to me.
Please, God…
Please…
I lift the storage lid…
“I worked the case, Daddy. Just like you said.”
The relief shatters me.
- -
I hand Jack over, because the pain is ravenous and returning and I can’t have my son with me…not this me…
Not this broken me, in this place now covered in the violence of my guilt…
Not in this place where his mother…his mother…
I drag myself up and with one forced step in front of the other, I make my way back to that room, and Morgan is there…
“I’m so sorry, Hotch.”
This can’t be happening.
I kneel in front of her, accosted by the consequence of my actions as I take her in my arms…
She’s cold.
My body’s shuddering warmth gives no reprieve.
It’s far too late.
“Promise me, that you will tell him how we met…
…how you used to make me laugh…”
I hold her tightly and I’m swallowed by the pain…
By the condemnation that washes over me.
And I deserve every bit of it.
The End.