Work Text:
“The city sky's feeling dark tonight
We're back to back with our heads down
Just look at me, give me more tonight”
It was past six in the evening when Yeonjun’s phone started to buzz inside his pocket. He took out his phone, putting down his soda on the large stone that was next to him. A smile formed on his face immediately when he saw the contact name that was displayed on the screen with the photo of the said person.
“Yes, Soobin-ah,” He asked happily because of this sudden call. “Is Jimin busy today, do you want me to come and cook for you after my shift,” He added casually, like the other times when the younger would call him just to ask him to feed him since his girlfriend couldn’t make time for him. It wasn’t that many, a couple of times indeed, but they were special to him.
There was a short silence that wasn’t usual and made Yeonjun realize something was wrong. His smile faded away with each second that the younger refused to say anything. “Binnie, what is wrong,” Yeonjun said softly, afraid of doing something wrong but he hated doing nothing at all either. “Please tell me,” He insisted although he knew he probably shouldn’t have.
“Hyung,” Soobin, finally, replied. However, his voice didn’t have joy or energy, it was low and rusty like he had been crying until now.
Yeonjun stood up quickly, his chest feeling tight. He knew something wasn’t right, and he knew enough to know it was about Soobin and Jimin. “Where are you now,” Yeonjun asked, already starting to untie his apron and jacket. There was still two and half an hour left until his shift ended, but Yeonjun couldn’t even bring himself to care about his job at the moment—it wasn’t that important either.
He stormed into the kitchen, heading to the staff’s locker almost running while he was still waiting for an answer from the younger. He heard his cousin shouting his name confusedly from somewhere behind him but he was too careless to give a proper reply.
“The supermarket in the complex,” Finally, finally, Soobin answered while Yeonjun was taking his sweater and car keys from his locker.
“Okay, wait there for me,” Yeonjun said before he ended the call and rushed again to the back door.
“Yeonjun-ah,” Minho shouted one more time when the younger man reappeared in the kitchen. “Yah, where are you going at the busy hour,” His voice was mixed with worry and irritability.
“Hyung, sorry,” Yeonjun shouted back, not really feeling sorry at all. “Deduct from my salary, but I have to go now,” was the last thing he said before he left the restaurant in a big rush, running to the parking garage.
The road back from the hotel to the building complex wasn’t that long, it only took twenty minutes in the car. But even that felt like more than two hours to Yeonjun when he knew that the person who he cherished the most in this life was hurt and he didn’t know the exact reason. He felt like he was about to go crazy.
Yeonjun saw the younger before he entered the market, he was sitting on the tall stool, his head low and his jet black hairs covering his face. There were more than a dozen of milk boxes on the stall in front of him, half of them seemed to be empty. He probably had wanted to drink beers, but no matter how hurt he was keeping the promise that he had given to his grandparents about not getting drunk. Yeonjun wasn’t sure but he thought the younger was looking at the bracelet which was a gift from his girlfriend for his last birthday.
Even though Yeonjun had rushed to come here, he hesitated to go inside once he saw Soobin, looking so heartbroken most probably because of Jimin.
For more than ten years, Yeonjun had always been watching the younger. From the beginning of elementary school until the end of his last year in the university… He watched him as he grew up slowly with each passing year that they spent together, he was with the younger when he had his worst and his best, he was there to catch him when he fell and hold his hand to help him get up. He was always a step behind the younger, far enough to let him walk by himself but close enough to reach him in seconds when needed.
He wasn’t sure when his feelings shifted into something romantic from friendly, for fifteen years his eyes were on Soobin, not leaving for someone else. But one thing was for sure it was too late when he realized the overflowing love in his chest because it was when Soobin started falling in love with someone else.
Among the fifteen years they were together, the last three years were the most painful yet the most delightful ones.
Yeonjun didn’t want to stand there and waste more time when he tried to come here as soon as he could. It wasn’t the time for wailing for his broken heart.
Before Yeonjun could call out the younger’s name, Soobin lifted his head like he felt the older’s presence the second he entered the supermarket. Soobin tried to smile when they met eyes, his lips trying to curve upwards but failing half through as tears started falling down his cheeks. His face was red and swollen, even his thin upper lip which he was most insecure about had become plump.
Yeonjun took his long and fast steps toward him, his worry growing inside. He cupped the younger’s face when he arrived, pulling the newly trimmed bangs away from the latter’s slightly damped forehead and wiping his cheeks that were wet with nonstop tears. It was a useless attempt since each tear that he dried with his sleeve a new one replaced the former one, but still, it was the least Yeonjun could do for now.
“I hate this almond milk,” Soobin said, his words getting cut by his sobs. He looked like his nine years old self from that memory both of them didn’t want to remember but couldn’t forget, so open-hearted, so vulnerable…
“You love almond milk,” Yeonjun replied softly, knowing very well why Soobin was behaving like this. Because he had such a naïve heart that he couldn’t point his anger toward the one who he really was mad at, he was just blaming small random things he loved. “You’re just upset with Jimin, aren’t you?”
Maybe, Yeonjun shouldn’t have brought her name before Soobin said it himself. It seemed like he had made everything much worse than it already was.
“Can you take me home, hyung,” Soobin asked slowly, his voice shaking while the newly formed tears disappeared under the older’s sleeve. “Please take me home.”
Perhaps it was because of the way Soobin held the hem of his shirt so tightly, or maybe it was because of the way his eyes were so warm yet so sad like a puppy who was left behind on a rainy day; or perhaps it was just Soobin who looked exactly like how he was back in that day, Yeonjun’s heart shattered into pieces, not giving him the chance to separate the thin line between the pain of his and the younger’s broken heart.
The night fell, silence swaying in the apartment of the younger which was too big for just one person. It wasn’t always, but somedays when Yeonjun visited his childhood friend, he would feel the cold swift of the emptiness that had to be occupied when he entered the neatly decorated house that had stayed the same until now.
Yeonjun sighed, looking at the white laminated door that was slightly ajar, a fainted yellow light coming from the younger’s bedroom. The hand-crafted wall clock on the center of the wall showed half-past ten, Soobin was probably asleep now, considering the sobs that he was trying to hold in had stopped a while ago.
“He didn’t eat anything,” Yeonjun whispered to himself as he rested his head on the back of the sofa, the smell of the bibimbap he cooked was lingering on the air, untouched and still warm in the oven. “He’ll have an upset stomach…”
He closed his eyes, listening to the buzzy sound of the silence in the dimly lighted room, making him feel a little bit uneasy.
“She said she fell out of love with me,” Soobin’s voice echoed in his mind. “I couldn’t force her to stay with me in a relationship she wasn’t happy, so we broke up, just as simply as we had started dating.”
Yeonjun frowned by reflex, the image of the younger’s face when he said those were still crystal clear under his closed eyes. His half-hearted smile while the tears were all over his lips, his shattered eyes once shined with joy, his shaky voice that he tried so hard to keep it stable even in front of the older… He was trying so hard to be strong, probably telling himself that he was now a grown-up man and acting like it although he was just the opposite when he was with Yeonjun. He had such a precious personality…
Yeonjun stood up from the sofa, walking toward the bedroom with careful steps. He stood still before entering the room, thinking of some cheap excuses if the younger wasn’t asleep. But then he heard a silenced sniff with a fainted whisper that sounded like “mom”, and Yeonjun just knew, Soobin wasn’t sleeping.
Yeonjun turned back, going to the kitchen. He took the tray and placed it on the marble counter, he opened the drawer to take a spoon and a pair of chopsticks, placing them on the tray a little bit harshly. He turned to the cabinets in order to take a bowl, but his action was cut off by himself. He held onto the corner of the counter, closing his eyes while his chest was burning with biliousness, hands shaking.
Why, he thought. Why did you have to break up with him just a day before?
He didn’t realize the date until they arrived at the younger’s place when that cold feeling welcomed them more concretely and Soobin seemed more fragile since then.
Yeonjun opened his eyes and looked up, tears stinging his eyes. He was mad at Jimin for leaving Soobin so easily when she knew he needed more comfort than other times; he was upset with himself for standing idle with his hands tied.
He opened the cabinet, taking the bowl as he intended in the first place. There were still some things he could do for Soobin, he was his best friend for fifteen years, his hyung who had promised to look after him no matter what, and his one-sided lover who was willing to do anything for that precious heart of the younger had.
When he was done preparing the meal he headed back to Soobin’s bedroom, knocking on the already ajar door and giving the younger a few seconds before entering the room.
Soobin was sitting on the floor, his back rested on his double bed and a frame in his hands. He looked up, he wasn’t crying anymore, he probably had used up all of his tears. “Hyung,” He whispered as he put down the frame on the floor. “My heart hurts so much.”
Yeonjun had to look away for a second as a tear fell down on his cheek, biting down his lip. No matter how many years they spent together, it was the hardest thing to endure seeing Soobin like this, hurt and helpless, lost like a puppy, and didn’t know what to do.
The older put the tray on the nightstand, wiping his tears quickly without letting Soobin see. He, then, sat in front of the other boy, taking his delicate hands in his, caressing the soft skin affectionately. “I know,” He whispered, nodding understandingly as he looked into the younger’s shattered eyes. “But, you need some energy for tomorrow, to greet your grandparents and go to your parents,” He said softly, afraid he would say something wrong and hurt the younger more. “You don’t want your parents to see you like this, do you,” But he knew him for so long, and although he hated it, he knew how to use his words toward the younger.
And like how he expected, a panic wave flashed in Soobin’s eyes, realizing the older was right. He nodded so innocently. “Mom wouldn’t want me to skip meals,” He stated, his eyes lightening up a little with the thought of his mother, but soon clouding again with yearning.
Yeonjun hummed, trying to give some encouragement but knowing it didn’t help that much. “Right, she wouldn’t,” He confirmed the younger, smiling. “So let’s finish this before going to sleep, okay,” He added while he carefully took the tray from the nightstand—thanks to his height, it wasn’t hard to do it although he was sitting on the floor.
After Soobin finished the bibimbap and a cup of warm tea, he got into the bed with Yeonjun sitting next to him. “Hyung,” He called out the older softly, his eyes trying to close because of the exhaust.
“Hm,” Yeonjun replied while watching him, a hand reaching out to the younger by reflex and taking the tips of his bangs away from his eyes to make him fall asleep more comfortably.
Soobin didn’t answer back immediately, stared at the older for a minute or so while the said man waited for him patiently. “You’ll be with me tomorrow, right,” He asked then, voice shaking through the end of his question.
“Of course,” Yeonjun answered in a second, not thinking the otherwise even for a split second. He caressed the younger’s cheek lightly before standing up. “I’ll be with you like always, don’t worry, Binnie,” He tucked in Soobin, heading to the door after. “Don’t think too much and take a good rest,” He said softly, turning off the lights and closing the door after him.
A sigh escaped from Yeonjun’s mouth as his head dropped, his mask falling apart as soon as he was out of the younger’s sight.
He was now, once again, alone with his own pain.
“Even if it's gonna break me, love
Gonna make my way to you
Anyway it's gonna take me, love
I run to you”
“Granny, are you sure you don’t want to stay for the night,” Yeonjun asked the woman who was past her mid-sixties, taking the plates from the cabinet. “You should rest before heading back to Incheon.”
Soobin’s grandmother gave a heartwarming smile, patting Yeonjun’s shoulder lovingly. “It’s okay, Jun-ah,” She said. “Soobin’s grandfather has some work to do,” She added while raising her head and looking at the two figures in front of the gijesa table who were looking at the photos of Soobin’s parents in silence. “I worry about my bunny,” She sighed, eyes on the tall one whose shoulders were dropped. “But you’re with him, so I have a light heart,” She smiled when she looked at Yeonjun again.
Yeonjun replied to her smile, nodding as he continued preparing the table for dinner. “Yes, please do not worry, Granny,” He said with all of his sincerity.
“I still remember how little you two were, running around the house,” The woman said raising her voice a little bit, suddenly changing the topic probably to lift up the mood. “You two were so inseparable that Jun's caretaker Eunji-ssi would have to drag you home every time.”
“And Soobin would always cry when she came,” Yeonjun joined her attempt, recalling their childhood memories—may be exaggerating a little bit. “Hyung, play with me more. Aunty, please, five more—”
“I didn’t act like that,” Soobin cut off the older’s imitation of his younger self, making the ones in the kitchen—and his grandfather next to him, laugh. “Hyung was the one who begged for more minutes,” He added with a pout on his lips, looking like he was disappointed with his grandparents for laughing at him.
“Because you wanted me to stay,” Yeonjun replied back, pointing at the younger with his head, a pout on his lips either, like every time they started bickering. “You would hold onto my sleeve and try to hide me from Aunty,” He added, thinking of the seven years old Soobin tugging his arm with his puppy eyes. Yeonjun’s weak spot for the younger had been there for a long time.
Soobin’s ears got pink with that, feeling shy with the image probably. Yeonjun wasn’t sure why he got shy all of a sudden with that, neither did he care, just enjoying the cute face of the younger and seeing him finally a little bit relaxed after all of that happened in two days.
“Stop with the bickering already, and everybody come to eat,” Soobin’s grandmother said, laughing at the boys’ antics, being used to it after many years. “Hurry up before the foods go cold!”
After a dinner passed with chit-chats and jokes about how cute the boys were when they were little, Soobin’s grandparents bid their goodbyes. Soobin had gone down with them to see them off, and the older was sitting on the floor in front of the gijesa table.
Yeonjun looked at the photographs of the two adults who were smiling brightly, the man was resembling his son so much that it scared Yeonjun from time to time.
“Uncle, Aunty,” Yeonjun whispered. “Please keep resting comfortably because I will always watch your son like I have been until now,” He assured them, hoping his voice was heard. “I know you trust me, and I trust myself too, I trust my love for Soobin,” A broken smile appeared on his face. “I might never come to your grave to ask for your blessings, but I will make sure your son has his happy ending. Definitely, I will do that.”
He, then, bowed to show his respect one more time. He started cleaning the table after that, knowing Soobin hated doing it the most although he never voiced it out loud, his expressions were enough for Yeonjun to understand him.
He was taking the apple bowl when a hand appeared next to his and grabbed the drink bottle. Yeonjun snapped his head only to see Soobin whose eyes were fixed on his hands. “I’m glad I could finally catch you to help you,” The younger whispered, a small smile forming on his bunny-like lips. “You always finish it before I come upstairs.”
“Your grandparents,” Yeonjun asked, surprised with the younger’s sudden appearance but he didn’t complain. He wasn’t sure why Soobin rushed back, but it was relieving to know he wasn’t running away as he had thought until now.
“Mr. Cha came to drive them back,” Soobin answered while they were walking to the kitchen. “Grandma said she left food for me, and grandpa reassured me that I could go to Icheon to take over the CEO position from him whenever I want,” He added casually as he placed the drink in the storeroom.
That issue, Yeonjun thought. It was Jimin who held him back from leaving Seoul until now, but…
No, this wasn’t for today.
“How are you feeling,” Yeonjun asked instead of dragging the conversation somewhere he didn’t want to hear at that moment, turning back to the table to pick up the rest of the serves, Soobin following him behind.
It took a few minutes for Soobin to answer, as he lifted the last plate off the table. “I know you said to me not to think, but I can’t help it, hyung,” The younger said, looking at the other one when he put down the plate on the counter. His ironed black suit felt more gloomy with the hidden pain in his voice, his neatly done necktie in the morning was now came loose, his jet-black hairs falling down his tired eyes.
“And what are they about,” Yeonjun stood on the other side of the counter, facing him. He knew there was no use to give empty solaces, all he could do was to help the younger release the things he held inside his mind and hurt him. That was the best he could do for him.
“Mom and dad, you, and my grandparents,” Soobin started, looking at his lower left for a few seconds before turning to meet the older’s eyes again. “Jimin noona and what had happened between us,” He stopped, lowering his head. “And other stuff like that…”
Yeonjun watched the younger without saying anything, waiting for him to open up more. “Hyung,” The younger said then, lifting his head up. “What do you think about love?”
You, was the first word that came up to Yeonjun’s mind that he could never say out loud, not now at least. “I don’t know,” was his answer rather.
Soobin smiled a little bit bitterly, like he, too, wanted to give an answer like this, not knowing what love is—even though he didn’t know it was a lie. “I’ve heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime,” He started with a look in his dark brown eyes that hurt the older more than he ever imagined because Yeonjun knew that he was thinking about her. “And I’m pretty sure that noona was that love of mine.”
Yeonjun hated being right about the younger’s thoughts for the first time in years.
“You can find another love, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun bit down his lips, trying so hard to keep his voice steady, he even tried to erase it with a small chuckle before continuing. “Breakups are part of loving someone, an experience to find a new—”
“But I don’t want to, hyung,” Soobin cut the older off twice at the same night, and Yeonjun would rather the first one with all of his heart. “I don’t wanna be hurt like this again,” The younger added as he took a step back. “I don’t want to hear the same thing, ever again."
Yeonjun felt his blood go cold, realizing that the younger was building a shelter around his heart. It was obvious that Soobin didn’t tell the whole thing, but he was giving up on love for some reason. Maybe it was because he still loved Jimin so much, or maybe his insecurities that he refused to voice out, or other things Yeonjun wasn’t even aware of.
“Soobin,” The older tried to say as his eyes followed the tall body walking toward the living room. He didn’t even know what he could say at this point, Soobin was stubborn as a mule, and once he decided something he would never take a step back.
“I’m going to put up my parents’ photos,” Soobin said, not letting the older speak. “You can take a shower and head to the bed first, hyung,” He added without looking back at Yeonjun.
“O-okay,” Yeonjun stuttered, he was glad that the younger didn’t look at him and see the wreck he just created. “Tell me if you need anything,” And even after that, he was still willing to run to the younger in a heartbeat, not caring how pathetic he was.
“Cause you'll be safe in these arms of mine
Just call my name on the edge of the night
And I'll run to you”
Yeonjun had been staying with Soobin for more than two weeks, and he was convinced enough to let him stay by himself a few days ago when he saw the younger smiling more often and his nightmares stopped. He was still worried about Soobin, but he thought the younger needed some time to be alone with himself too.
After Soobin said that he didn’t want to look for love that night, the older decided that he was going to be there just as his friend and hyung who was going to help him through the difficulties of life. He was going to keep his promise, to provide a happy ending for the person he loved the most in this universe even though it didn’t include him. He was happy as long as Soobin was happy.
When Yeonjun arrived at his own apartment which he shared with his parents he passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow because of his fatigue, he had probably the busiest day at work, his whole body—especially his arms and back—were aching. He didn’t even understand why there were so many people who kept coming, it wasn’t even a special day or so.
Thus, he wasn’t delighted when he opened his eyes in the middle of the night with his ringtone, screaming next to his ear.
“Hello,” Still, he answered it, not even looking at the contact. He didn’t have many people to call him at two at the night, it was either important or very important.
“Hyung,” A weak voice was heard on the other side of the call, making Yeonjun flash open his eyes as he stood up.
“What happened,” He asked, already getting off the bed and wearing his sweatpants. He took his jumper which was lying on the floor and rushed out of his room. “Bin, talk to me,” He added while he was going down the stairs, heading to the front door.
Soobin hiccupped, a muffled sound coming in the next second like he covered his mouth. “I’m sorry, hyung-ah, for calling like this,” He whispered then, his voice lowering with each word. “But I really need your company.”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Yeonjun said, nodding although he knew the younger couldn’t see him. “Wait a little bit,” And he ended the call, reaching out for the door.
“Stop right there,” A voice called out to him, making him halt even though he didn’t want to do as she said.
“I don’t have time for you, mother,” Yeonjun stated, feeling the anxiety growing inside him with each second he spent in vain. “If you have something to say, keep it for the morning,” He added when he opened the door, he really didn’t want to have another useless conversation right now.
“You are running to that boy, again,” Apparently, his mother had different intentions even at this hour. “For God’s sake, why do you strive so much for someone who isn’t even aware of your feelings,” She shouted, not caring if the other people were asleep.
Yeonjun closed the door for some manners, closing his eyes for a moment before turning back to face his mother who seemed to be tipsy, the smell of the wine still lingering on her gown. His hands were shaking because of anger, jaw clenched unconsciously. “Mother,” He warned. “You have no right to talk about Soobin like—”
“Soobin, Soobin, Soobin!” His mother cut him off, walking closer. “It’s always Soobin coming out of your mouth! Soobin that, Soobin this! I am your mother, your mother who stayed in the labor for fifteen hours to give birth to you! Yet you find the face to stick up for him!”
Yeonjun took a step closer as well, thinking maybe it would make his mother’s screaming stop. “Mother,” He said again, whisper-yelling. “You’re gonna wake up the whole building,” He added, he was sure that his father and their housekeeper Eunji had woken up by now.
“Do you think I care about others,” The woman asked, this time with a lower voice? “Do you think I care about anything else but you and your happiness?”
Yeonjun scoffed, disappointed and furious. “Now you want to play as my mom,” Yeonjun asked back a little sarcastically. “After so many years you and father ran away from me, your responsibility,” He added, thinking about his childhood.
“We were working,” Another voice joined them, his father came with angry steps and stood between the other two. “We were doing it to give you a bright future, Yeonjun. Do you know how hard it was to travel around to world to earn more money, just for you,” The man continued, his voice still raspy but his eyes were wide awake.
“Oh yeah,” Yeonjun replied, he couldn’t believe he had to deal with this clowning when Soobin was waiting for him. “All I saw was you two having fun, enjoying your life without thinking if your son misses or needs you because you sent enough money.”
The woman looked at him, disbelief in her eyes. “We raised you,” She shouted, voice trembling.
Yeonjun had to be hearing wrong, his ears were surely deceiving him. “No, you didn’t, supplying money isn’t raising me. Did you really think it was enough,” He started, looking into both adults’ eyes. “Were you there when I said my first word, do you even know what it was? Or did you witness my first steps, were you there to catch me if I fell? Did you attend my kindergarten play, do you have any photos of the day taken by yourselves?”
He watched his parents’ reactions, visible frowns, and agape mouths like they wanted to object but didn’t know how to. Of course, they wouldn’t know…
“Did you visit me when I was hospitalized by food poising, almost dying; did you call me when I broke my arm or got in a fight with my senior? You conveyed your good wishings and scoldings via your assistants! You didn’t come back to Korea when it was my birthday, just bought me expensive gifts I didn’t need!”
“But we came back,” The woman said, interrupting her son. “We are here now, with you!”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Yeonjun answered back. “You came when I was twenty-one, an adult of my own! You didn’t act like my parents when I needed the most, yet you dare to say you want my best as my mother and father?” He laughed, he just couldn’t help it, his nerves were so wrecked at that point.
“Yeonjun, watch your mouth,” His father addressed.
Yeonjun scoffed, stamping on his feet. He just wanted to go to the younger, he had lost enough time already. “And you know what, I really understand why you hate Soobin being in my life. It’s because I love him more than I love you two, you hate he has more value in my eyes than you do,” He stepped back quickly, he had lost all his patience. “But think about who was with me more in my life before you find right to tell me to stay away from him,” And he left, not caring about what his parents said after him.
Yeonjun cussed when he was running down the stairs, he couldn’t even wait for the elevator. Fortunately, he and the younger lived in the same building complex, just different blocks, so it wouldn’t take more than five minutes to get to him—if his parents didn’t get in the way.
When Yeonjun arrived at the younger’s flat he quickly entered the password, he was out of breath from running and climbing up the stairs, anxiety eating him up. “Soobin-ah,” He called out, ready to rush to the younger’s bedroom but he stopped when he realized the silhouette sitting on the floor in front of him.
“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun said softly as he crouched down next to the younger who was looking at him with teary eyes.
Soobin wrapped his arms around the smaller body immediately, almost making the latter lose his balance. “Why did you come so late,” He protested, voice squeaky, as he buried his face into the crook of the older. “You said you’d be here in minutes.”
Yeonjun hugged the younger back, caressing his back affectionately. “I’m sorry,” He whispered, again and again, his hands going up and down, sometimes caressing the younger’s soft hairs. “I’m so sorry…”
Soobin sobbed, tightening his grip. He didn’t say something, he didn’t explain why he called and asked the older to come. He just cried, his body shaking with each sob and hands holding onto Yeonjun’s jumper like he was too afraid to let go.
Maybe Yeonjun was wrong to think Soobin was better, maybe three weeks was a short time and he shouldn’t have left the younger alone this soon. But nevertheless, he was here now.
“It’s okay, Binnie,” Yeonjun said, planting a light kiss on the younger’s temple without thinking. “It’s okay, I’m here now, you’re safe, you’re safe with me...”
“I would run to you, if you want me to
Just give me some kind of reason
I'll take the pain, take it all away
Just give it some kind of meaning”
Yeonjun put down the ravioli plate on the service counter as one of the waiters took it away immediately, and he turned back to continue another order.
Yeonjun loved being a chef, cooking different types of cuisines, seeing the delighted expression of the people when they tasted the dish he had made and finished it as if it was the best dish they ever had, and hearing the praises which were wanted to be conveyed to the chef, even when he was at a very young age for one.
He loved all of those, he was just not very fond of the busy hours. He really wished he had taken a break when Minho suggested, then he wouldn’t be working for straight five hours now. His back was killing him.
“Yeonjun-ssi,” Someone called out to him, he couldn’t recognize the voice at the moment. “Head Chef is looking for you!”
Yeonjun shouted positive feedback, turning his eyes on the wall clock for a moment. “I’ll come after I finish this,” He said, realizing his shift was going to end in an hour. He wondered if Soobin had come already.
After he left his, hopefully, last order on the service table he headed to the head chef’s office. He slowly knocked on the door, waiting for the man’s approval to enter, and when it came he opened the door gently, slipping inside.
“Yes, Chef,” He asked, standing at attention, he wasn’t sure if his cousin asked for him as his employee or family member, and he never took the risk for it.
The man exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose before speaking. “Choi Yeonjun, you little…” Minho sighed, lowering his hand and looking at the younger one who took his glances away. At least with that, Yeonjun knew he didn’t do anything wrong at the work.
“What exactly do you have in your mind,” His cousin asked, he sounded worried and confused. “You left home, and didn’t apply for the head position of your department, instead asked for night shifts either for extra pay,” He continued. “Why does it make me feel like you are getting ready to run away?”
Yeonjun turned to his older cousin, a little bit surprised by his sudden and accurate statement. “Hyung,” He attempted to say something, not really knowing how he could put it in words. He was a little bit ashamed of himself too for not talking this about with the elder when the worry in his eyes shined visibly.
But before he could say something his phone started buzzing inside his pocket, he reached for it by reflex but stopped when he met eyes with his cousin. Minho gave him a nod, letting him answer the incoming call. The younger bowed a little, apologizing.
“Soobin-ah,” He whispered, turning his side and covering his mouth. “I’m with Minho hyung right now, is there something urgent,” He asked, fidgeting on his feet slightly, ready to rush in any second.
“No, hyung, sorry,” Soobin answered, there were some muffled sounds coming behind like he was in a crowded place. “I called to tell you that I arrived at the hotel, but I will wait, take your time as you need,” He added quickly before ending the call with a small goodbye.
Yeonjun turned to the older man who was currently reviewing a paper in his hand. “Soobin has been coming here a lot lately,” Minho stated without lifting his head. “And we aren’t even looking for managers for the hotel currently.”
“He goes to a gym near here,” Yeonjun explained, chuckling a little as he pointed somewhere that was supposed to be the location of the gym building. “He comes after when I have one shift, we go back home together.”
“Soobin hates exercising,” Minho replied back as he put down the papers on his desk.
“I know right,” Yeonjun whispered, he still remembered the day when he first showed up at the entrance of the restaurant when the older was finished with his day shift and heading to the younger’s flat where he was currently staying to get some rest before heading his night shift either. And since that day, he kept coming pretty often in the last two months. “I guess he just wants free rides home,” He added jokingly, trying not to ponder about it and ending up with unrequired hopes.
Minho nodded, not pressing it anymore. “Then don’t make him wait for long,” He said, smiling. “You can finish with today, thank you for your hard work.”
Yeonjun bowed to him, taking his steps toward the door and unbuttoning his jacket to save some time. When he reached for the door handle he stopped with his cousin calling out his name again.
“Please do not show at my office with your resignation letter before discussing your plans with me first,” The adult requested with a clement look in his eyes. “I’m asking this as your cousin, okay? I don’t want you to run after something that will harm you in the end.”
Yeonjun wasn’t really sure what the older was talking about though he had a guess, and he understood his worry, but he didn’t care about all the things which his cousin was worrying about. He didn’t care about the pain or the heartbreak he would get in the end, as long as Soobin wanted him by his side—even though just as his friend and his hyung he could rely on—everything would be just fine.
However, Yeonjun hummed as he smiled gently. “Don’t worry, hyung,” He said. “I’ll be alright.”
Soobin was waiting for him in the lobby, sitting on the large sienna couch while looking at his phone. He looked a little bit absent-minded, his eyes were wandering on the screen but they had no focus like he was too busy in his mind.
“Are you tired after an intense exercise session,” Yeonjun stood in front of the younger, leaning on the marble column which many of them were almost everywhere in the hotel.
“What exercise,” Soobin mumbled unintentionally like enough, taking his eyes off his phone and looking up. His eyes got bigger when he saw the older who was examining him with one of his eyebrows raised. “Oh, t-that exercise,” He stuttered for a second, standing up as well while trying to cover his surprise with a chuckle. “Yeah, it was tiring, but hyung,” He said then, holding the older’s shoulder and bringing his face closer to the other one’s. “You must be even more tired than me.”
Yeonjun smiled, shaking his head even though he was, indeed, extremely tired. “You must be hungry, should we eat something on our way back home,” He suggested, he really didn’t have any energy to cook no more.
Soobin nodded, giving the older a warm smile. “I know a good place, hyung, let me drive,” He replied, reaching out his palm and asking for the car keys. “It is a bit far from here.”
The older hummed, taking out the keys from his pocket and placing the metals inside Soobin’s palms, his fingers lingering on the soft skin a second longer without his notice. “Don’t ruin my car, I do need her,” He warned the taller one jokingly as the said boy stuck out his tongue, making him laugh.
The road took about forty minutes, giving Yeonjun a chance to rest while listening to the music coming from the radio on the low volume and the younger’s soft voice humming the same melody. And the place Soobin suggested wasn’t bad except for the service lady who couldn’t take her eyes off of the younger.
“Hyung,” The younger called out suddenly across the table, looking at him with eyes that were filled with something Yeonjun couldn’t quite give a name to it. “What do you want to do, in the future?”
Why everybody is so curious about this, Yeonjun thought. He then chuckled, just to ease the expression the younger had and he couldn’t understand. “Keep being a chef like now,” He said, giving the most veiled answer he had.
“I know that,” Soobin whined, huffing a little. “But how, and where, for how long? I’m asking about your plans, hyung,” He added. There was a very, but very, short shift in his brown eyes that vanished as soon as it showed.
Yeonjun finally understood what was going inside Soobin’s mind.
“You’re thinking about going to Incheon,” The older one voiced out his thought as it came to his mind, playing with the food on his plate. It was neither a question nor a statement, left somewhere in between. He already had a hunch about it since the night the younger spoke about his grandfather’s suggestion. Wasn’t it the reason why he was getting ready to run away from here like his cousin said, to go after the younger?
Soobin stayed quiet for a few minutes, looking at the table between them, eyes wandering fast on the surface with eyebrows getting closer and a pout showing slowly. Yeonjun wondered what was the big noise inside that pretty head that made him look like a lost fish.
“I haven’t fully decided yet,” The younger spoke after a few minutes, turning his eyes to the older, he looked confused and hesitant like he really didn’t know which way he should take at this point of his life. “My grandpa is not young anymore, I can see him struggling with all the work he had to deal with, and my uncles are no use either and my father is not around,” His voice faded at the end, eyes getting clouded. “I should take over the weight off of my grandpa’s shoulder now.”
The older viewed Soobin for a moment, “Do you want to,” he asked then as he tilted his head to get in the younger’s sight. “Do you want to take over his position?”
“I do,” Soobin answered sincerely. “But—” He looked at the older, locking their eyes which were a meter away from each other. Even if he was going to continue, he stopped, watching the older with chocolatey melted eyes.
For a second, Yeonjun was about to misunderstand the meaning of the younger’s look, but just for a second. He knew it was nothing more than a friendly look.
“You’re afraid,” Yeonjun asked, raising his eyebrows. “Leaving the place you had grown up and starting a new life, again? But this could be a really good chance to move on—you know, from your aching heart.”
Soobin shook his head as he leaned on his chair, “I’m not afraid,” he whispered. “And I’m aware of what you said either, it’s just—I don’t know…” He added, exhaling. There was something left unspoken, Yeonjun noticed that there was something Soobin didn’t say out loud and it wasn’t because he didn’t know.
“The question you asked earlier,” Yeonjun started, changing the topic because he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know the hidden words of the younger. He knew he was being a coward, but he really didn’t want to bear a conversation about Jimin after two months and see the younger was still in love with her. “What do you want the answer to be?”
Just say it, Yeonjun thought. Even though I’m going to follow you no matter what, just give me the reason, please…
“Let's let go, let it be the start
You know I'm feeling the same thing
Let's let go of our broken hearts"
“So you’re really going to give up on everything you achieved here,” Minho asked, looking at the younger boy sitting across from him with his coffee in his hands. “What about your parents?”
Yeonjun smiled half-heartedly, looking at the foam on the coffee. “I grew up without them anyway, I don’t think it’ll make a big difference,” He explained a bit sarcastically. “And I won’t be needing their wealth from now on, I earned enough money with my own ability and I will keep earning it.”
Minho sighed, it was obvious that he wanted to protest but also aware that he couldn’t change his cousin’s mind. “What about the internship in Italy, you’ve been dreaming about it since you are five,” Still, he tried his chance.
“To me, there is nothing more important than Soobin,” Yeonjun lifted his head and finally looked at his elder cousin’s eyes. “I know I look completely pathetic and desperate to run after him like a loyal dog, I also know you don’t exactly understand why I break my heart like this,” He stopped for a second, his voice was steady and peaceful, nothing hurtful like his words. “But Soobin was all I had then and all I have even now. I love him in a way that yet I can’t comprehend entirely, hyung, my wish is to stay next to him and see him happy, nothing more.”
“Look at this brat,” Minho said, chuckling like he wanted to light up the mood. “Talking like a reasonable adult, in his twenties,” He joked, but Yeonjun could hear the proud tone in his voice either. “I will accept everything you said only under one circumstance,” Then he warned suddenly, catching the younger off guard for a moment.
“Ah, hyung,” Yeonjun whined as he put down the coffee cup on the table. “Why are you doing like—”
“Promise me you will consider the opportunities that come to you,” Minho cut his words, the serious look in his eyes appearing once more. “I don’t care if it’s Soobin who you love the most in this life, but don’t forget about yourself too, Yeonjun-ah, because this life is yours and not anybody else’s.”
When Yeonjun got out of the elevator with market bags in his hands, he was still thinking about his cousin’s words.
He didn’t regret anything he had done until now, he was delighted with every decision he had made. He regretted nothing, especially when it came to Soobin. However, he accepted that his cousin was right even though he didn’t have his heart on it.
He sighed as he turned the corner, shaking his head, thinking it would help him to get rid of his thoughts. He would think about it if that opportunity came.
“Soobin-ah, can we talk?”
Yeonjun’s body froze, recognizing the voice in a second. His heartbeat started increasing, a panic growing inside his gut as he hid behind the wall by reflex.
Why Jimin was here, after three months?
Yeonjun listened to the void, waiting for Soobin to say something, anything, but the longer the silence got the more he lost his hope, thinking he might have regretted his decision this time.
“Noona,” Finally, Soobin said, he sounded surprised and hesitant. Although Yeonjun couldn’t see his face he could feel the confused frown on his face. “Do we really have anything to talk about, I thought you told me everything you wanted to.”
His voice was hurt, regretful even. Yeonjun had a guess what he was thinking right now, maybe if Jimin had come a little bit earlier then everything would be different.
“I know,” The girl said, her voice trembling like she was on the verge of crying. Yeonjun cussed silently, resting his head on the wall as he closed his eyes. Her tears had always been Soobin’s weak spot. “But please, Soobin, please let me talk to you one more time.”
“O-okay,” The answer came almost immediately, the concern in the younger’s voice was so clear that Yeonjun just hated it. “Come in.”
Yeonjun exhaled after the door was closed, irritated. Why did she have to pop out so suddenly, right when Soobin seemed to be okay and finally moved on? Why did she have to come back apologizing, playing her crying card when Soobin declared they didn’t have anything to talk more about? Why she was so selfish, going and coming around only when she wanted? Didn’t she know how pure Soobin’s love for her was, was she really trying to take advantage of his love?
He took out his phone, put the bags on the floor, and sat next to them. He had a few messages from his friends and a missed call from an unknown number. He opened the messages with his cousin, ignoring the others since he wasn’t in the mood for their antics. He went back in the conversation, stopping when he saw the linked message he was looking for.
Yeonjun watched the screen for a few minutes, his finger right above it, waiting for any command to press the link. But he couldn’t do it, he knew he couldn’t. Maybe it would the right thing to apply for the internship right now, like Minho said he would do the right thing for himself. But there was still a small possibility that it might not be the best choice to decide now, and he was going to hold onto that one.
The door opened approximately twenty minutes later. “Goodbye, noona,” Soobin’s voice was heard, it was hard to understand what he was feeling at that exact moment.
The hummed, “Goodbye, Soobin-ah,” Jimin replied, this time with a more steady voice. They didn’t say anything more as the door closed again and light footsteps started to get closer to Yeonjun.
“Oh, Yeonjun oppa,” Jimin said when he saw the tall figure standing in the hallway.
Yeonjun tried to smile, but it didn’t reach the end. He wasn’t sure how to act, because he had no idea what had happened between the two in that twenty minutes and was it their last farewell or a casual goodbye. He was scared to ask too, he was scared of hearing something he didn’t want to.
“Oppa,” Jimin said, her voice was lower than usual, and the corner of her eyes got reddened. “You love Soobin, don’t you,” Then she asked out of the blue, making Yeonjun startle with that. “You’ve always loved him even when we were together, right,” She stated again before he could protest.
Yeonjun dropped his head, sighing. There was no use to deny it when it was clear that she already knew from the start. “Did you two, did you make up,” He asked looking at the girl, barely holding his courage.
Jimin lowered her head, waiting for a few seconds before shaking her head. Yeonjun let out a relieved sigh, although he didn’t intend to do. “He said he will go to Incheon, with you,” She said, she was trying to hide the disappointment in her voice but Yeonjun could hear it. He could understand how she felt.
They didn’t hate each other, because loving the same person wasn’t a crime or a hatred reason. They both wanted something the other had; Yeonjun wanted to be the one Soobin loved, and Jimin wanted to be the one who was next to him.
“Thank you,” Yeonjun blurted out all of a sudden, taking the girl’s attention. “Thank you, Jimin-ah, for loving him and giving him the best two years of his life,” He added, maybe he was trying to let out something he held in him until now though it hurt to admit, he wasn’t sure either. “I know he was the happiest with you.”
The girl looked at him, eyes getting wet as she held tighter the bag in her hand that Yeonjun realized just now. “Then make him happier than I did,” She replied, voice shaking. “Because I, too, know he is the most restful with you.
They parted their ways after that, exchanging sincere goodbyes and wishing good luck.
Yeonjun’s phone buzzed in his pocket when he arrived at the apartment’s door, he quickly look at the notification to see it was a message from Soobin, asking where he was. And the door opened before he could finish entering the passcode, revealing the owner of the message.
“Where did you go in the morning without telling me,” Soobin asked, watching the older to get in. There was something in his voice that Yeonjun didn’t like as if the younger had thought that he would never come back. Maybe it was the effect of seeing his ex-girlfriend who left him.
“I was with Minho hyung,” Yeonjun explained as he headed to the kitchen, avoiding eye contact because he thought he would make it obvious that he knew. “You were still asleep when I left, so I messaged you after,” He added, taking out the things he had bought.
“Then what took you so long,” Soobin asked again, going after the older one.
“I went to the grocery after that,” Yeonjun replied, pointing to the yogurt can that he had just taken out. “There wasn’t much left in the fridge so I—”
His words were interrupted by a pair of arms hugging him behind. Soobin buried his face into the crook of the older's neck as he tightened his grip on his waist.
Yeonjun froze, being caught off-guard by the sudden move. “S-Soobin-ah,” He stuttered, the can fell to the counter with a little thud. “What’s wrong, did you have a nightmare last night,” He tried to play it cool like he hadn’t dropped the yogurt can—it was a miracle that it didn’t explode and spread all around.
“What would you do if I said I love you more than a friend,” Soobin asked, his voice getting muffled between the older’s neck and shoulder. “What would you do if I said I didn’t care about getting hurt again by you,” The younger added. “What would you do if I confessed my love to you right now, hyung?”
Yeonjun thought he was dreaming for a moment, his mind was hazy, trying to separate the reality. “I’d kiss you,” He let it slip, couldn’t be able to think properly, he just let out what came to his mind without a filter. He turned around to look at the younger, holding the taller body from his tiny waist as the other lifted his arms to his shoulder.
“I would kiss you right here and now,” Yeonjun added, his eyes landing on the thin lips which were a few centimeters away. He always had wondered how these cherry lookalike lips tasted.
“Then kiss me,” Soobin whispered, connecting his hands on the older’s neck and leaning until there wasn’t any gap between them.
And Yeonjun did so, leaning quickly and capturing the younger’s lips with his. He tasted coffee, and a drop of vanilla. It was ripe yet so pure, the taste of Soobin which was lingering on the older’s lips.
Yeonjun felt a damp feeling on his cheek, like a tear that spread between their skins. It wasn’t him who was crying.
The older pulled back as he held Soobin’s face, his fingertips were welcomed with new tears with the action. “Soobin-ah,” He whispered, alarmed.
“I was so scared,” Soobin yelped, his shaky hands finding the older’s shoulders. “I was so scared to ruin our bond, hyung,” He let out a relieved breath, a smile forming for a few seconds. “I was so scared if you would leave me…”
Yeonjun smiled understandingly, he had been telling the same things since the very moment he realized the change in his feeling, denying everything to protect their friendship.
“I would never leave you, Soobin-ah,” The older whispered as he kissed his tears away like he always wanted to but was too afraid to do. He, then, let their foreheads touch each other, closing his eyes. “Because I love you, more than I love anything in the whole cosmos.”
Soobin nodded, wrapping his arms around the older and giving the dearest hug ever until now. Then he whispered the words that were like a fever dream for the older.
“I love you too, hyung.”
“Let's set fire to the lonely night
You're beautiful when you look at me
Let's give love another life
Just give me more of your love now”