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Their one year anniversary was meant to be special.
Gorou had been looking forward to spending the weekend with his boyfriend Itto. Saturday during the day had been special, but now, now that they are alone in Itto's dormitory things were not going in the direction that Gorou wanted.
It wasn't even Itto's fault. It was his fault. He wasn't normal. He didn't desire something so basic like sexual intimacy with another. Past wounds and words stung, cut deep like they were only thrown at him yesterday.
He can still remember his ex-boyfriend... when he came out to him as asexual one night in his bedroom during his last year of high school. He remembers the look of disgust written across his face, the words that left his foul mouth... freak... I can't be with you, we need to break up, Gorou, and his ex was gone. He picked up his backpack and stormed out the bedroom, slamming the door shut and never speaking to him again.
That night broke Gorou's heart into two. He felt like he could never trust or love again. That he would never ever find someone that would accept him for who he was. He wasn't normal, he was different, broken, so who in their right mind would want to be with him when he couldn't give them sex... a basic human desire that many people craved. But not him. He didn't feel it, he didn't want it. It made him uncomfortable, made his heart race but not in the right way, and he had never felt any sexual intimacy towards another before.
Yet, he met Itto, he met the boisterous student during their first week, both studying geology, and since their first meeting Itto has never left Gorou's side. At first Gorou mainly tolerated Itto, he was way too extroverted, cheerful and outgoing compared to himself. Yet as the weeks went by he realised Itto was what he needed in his life. He bought rainbows, joy and happiness into his routine. There were days where he couldn't wait to meet up with Itto when they didn't have class, Itto would meet him often at his archery club... Gorou would teach him a few basic moves and tricks. It was a cycle that Gorou didn't want to break. It was precious and meant everything to him. His lifeline.
Before Gorou knew it months had went by and his feelings were beginning to bud into something that was more than friendship.
Love
Gorou didn't think he would ever love anyone again, but he was sure when it came to Itto. His heart racing wasn't because he was sick, it only happened when he was around Itto. He only thought about him, looked at him when they were in class. No one mattered, but Itto Arataki.
Those feelings were mutual. Itto loved Gorou too, and before they both knew what was happening, Itto was asking Gorou out one summer evening, the sunset making both glow as it would set behind them.
Yes
And since then both have been inseparable, and neither have looked back in regret.
"Babe...? what's wrong?"
Gorou was sent back to reality, knocked out of his intrusive thoughts.
He looked back at Itto, he looked worried, concerned and had a sad look written upon his face.
He slowly removed his hand from under Gorou's t-shirt.
Ah yes, they were in Itto's bedroom, alone in the darkness... no Itto has turned on the bedside lamp. Itto was touching him under his clothes, under his t-shirt, his other palm against his bulge.
Gorou pushed at Itto, he needed space or he felt like he wouldn't be able to breathe, that it would feel like he is suffocating.
None of this was Itto's fault though. He hopes he won't hate him. He needs to tell him too. This secret is too big to keep away from him for any longer. He can't keep coming up with excuses like he wasn't ready, or he was too tired.
One day Itto would grow suspicious, bored maybe and leave him too when he realises that Gorou can't give him what he desires.
Itto gave Gorou the space, he didn't protest. It's what made him so great. It's why Gorou fell in love with him. Itto always puts others before himself.
Itto sat back, legs crossed and hands in his lap. He was worried. He was worried he had done something wrong. Had he upset or hurt Gorou, though he didn't believe that had hurt him, at least not intentionally.
"What's the matter, Go? Something's wrong. It's written on your face, and I want to help, to make you feel better, Love." Itto said, pouring his whole heart out.
Gorou squeezed his eyes shut. He felt like he could, he wanted to cry, but he couldn't or explaining everything would be made even more difficult by the waterfall of tears.
Itto placed his bigger hand on top of Gorou's hand that was resting on top of the bed, and with the touch he clutched at the bed sheet, but he didn't brush Itto's hand away. He needed this kind of touch, a tender embrace.
"Whatever is bothering you, we can talk about it if you like, if not now whenever you are ready, I will listen." and he tried to give Gorou his best reassuring and loving smile. The one that was only reserved for Gorou's eyes only.
Gorou shook his head. No, it had to be tonight or he would never tell Itto, and he couldn't live with himself if he kept a secret any longer.
"It has to be today. I want to tell you, and you have a right to know, Itto."
Itto had no idea what he meant by that. He didn't know if he should be worried or not, and then the words left Gorou before Itto even had time to respond.
Gorou was looking down at his lap. He was both anxious and nervous. Understandable. He free hand was twiddling with the hem of his white t-shirt.
"I'm asexual, Itto."
Gorou finally looked up. He could see the tears welling up, stray tears building at the corner of his eyes. Gorou wanted to cry, he looked scared, and Itto hated to see that look on his boyfriend. He never wanted to see his boyfriend look scared and worried in front of him.
So that's why Gorou pushed him away, had the look of discomfort upon his face as he, even if he didn't say the words directly, wanted Itto to stop going forward. Past times in the bedroom, Gorou always seemed hesitant, he made excuses to why he didn't want things to escalate further between them in the bedroom. It wasn't because he was tired or wasn't ready... it was because he was asexual.
He looked fearful to tell him. Ashamed maybe.
"I'm so sorry it took me so long to tell... I was scared, I didn't know how you'd react and people before... haven't reacted well. I'm sorry I thought you'd be the same."
He really was crying now. The tears were tumbling down his freckled his cheeks, he nudged at his gold framed glasses to wipe the tears away. Itto wanted to do that.
Itto launched forwards, gently grabbed hold of Gorou's arms and pulled him into the biggest, most tender hug ever. He whispered sweet nothings, hummed quietly and stroked at the top of his head. His thumb soothed at the skin at the top of his arm, and he held him close to his chest. He could feel Gorou shaking in his arms, he could hear his quiet sobs and weeps. Who caused this, who caused Gorou to be so afraid of coming out to him, to be so insecure about himself and his identity.
He hated that person.
"I don't hate you Go, nor am I even mad at you. Instead, I want to cry with you, you couldn't tell because of people from your past right... I don't know them but I already hate them for making you feel this way."
"But-"
"No buts Gorou, I know I am not asexual like you but that doesn't mean I will leave you because I know that is exactly what you are thinking."
"I can't give you what you want.. I'll never be able to..." Gorou whimpered underneath Itto.
"I don't love you because I wanted to have sex with you. I love you and date you, for you, not because of sex.
"What about in the future... what if things change and you want to have sex with someone..." this worried Gorou the most. Itto may fully support him now, in the moment, but what if his human desire for sexual intimacy grows in the future because of course it would. Its natural, part of life for many people. Even if Gorou cannot understand that.
"Go.. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, no one does, and whatever happens we will cross that bridge together okay? All I know is I won't ever leave you because you are asexual. My feelings for you haven't changed, I don't want to run out this room and never look back. I want to hug you, spend every hour of the day with you, and make you the happiest person in the world."
"and you know why?"
"why?"
"Because I love you Gorou." and he kissed the crown of his head. "can you look up at me, baby?" and Gorou responded. He looked up at him with puffy red cheeks, sniffles and swollen eyes.
Itto hated this look. He used the pad of his thumb to wipe away any stray tears, and he cupped the right side of his cheek, which made Gorou nuzzle into his palm, eyes drifting shut for just a brief moment.
When Gorou reopened his eyes and looked up at Itto, Itto leaned down and gently captured Gorou's lips with his own.
His hand that was cupping his cheek, cupped the back of his neck as he bought him closer. Both their eyes closed shut as they kissed deeply but tenderly.
Slowly, albeit hesitantly Itto pulled away, the tears had stopped, good, and he smiled fondly at Gorou.
"I love you Gorou, I love you for being yourself, and I'm glad you finally had the courage to tell me. You being asexual will not change anything. We'll keep doing what we've been doing because I've never been happier." Cheesy, and Itto fully well knew that, but he didn't care because he wanted Gorou to know how much he meant to him.
Gorou slowly leaned forward and he rested his head on Itto's sturdy chest, hearing his heartbeat that had always been a source of comfort for him.
"I love you too, and thank you for everything, for not leaving me, and instead accepting me for who I am."
"I'll always accept you, never forget that, love."
Maybe their one year anniversary was special Afterall. Gorou finally came out to Itto, he accepted him for him, and that felt like a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders.