Chapter Text
Restlessness crawled like ants through Eddie’s bones as he turned for the hundredth time, kicking the duvet in frustration. As if on cue, another distant crash echoed from the ajar window. Living in the trailer park came with its benefits, such as hearing junkies duke it out at 3 AM in the town garbage lot. Didn’t help with the sleeplessness either, since it had been going on every now and then the last month.
If spring break had been a living nightmare, the last few weeks had been that brief moment after waking when you’re convinced all the shit that happened is real despite lying cold and sweaty in your bed safe at home. Except it actually was real this time, and Eddie couldn’t fall back asleep.
Not only did returning to “normal” Hawkins mean he still had literal murder allegations against him; every time he closed his eyes, images of Chrissy and various terrors in the Upside Down flashed on his eyelids like flipping through film cells, as well as finding out he was actually a coward who was only capable of helping people when the alternative was being left alone and defenseless. Whatever sleep he got was abruptly cut off by nightmares, waking in a cold sweat. Even in class a few times, as if people didn’t already see him as enough of a freak. Before he could manage it, stand up for himself. Now their eyes seemed to burn his skin. He knew what they all thought regarding those allegations. And really, were they so wrong? They’d been right in their suspicions before.
That’s not even all of it. He had to graduate. It seemed miniscule after all the shit during spring break, but if he didn’t manage Ms. O’Donnel’s fucking final, he’d had to relive the most drawn-out nightmare of his life again. That being high school.
To summarize, he couldn’t fucking sleep. How did any of the others deal with all this shit? Knowing some of them were so young and somehow still managed to do their silly little school projects and be in love made him feel even more pathetic now. Not to mention Steve and Nancy and those guys, who just kept on keeping on like killing monsters was a normal fucking hobby, then went back to normal jobs and college applications. Eddie wasn’t strong enough for that.
Glass shattering followed by a clank of metal sent Eddie flying out of his bed. The anxiety and sleep deprivation already had him on edge, and the sensory overload of that fucking noise was about to drive him over it. He’d faced interdimensional demons, he could tell a crazy homeless guy to pack it in.
The TV was chattering and lighting up the living room where his uncle dozed in a chair. About two months ago, this would be Eddie sneaking out to a drug deal or similar. He missed those days.
The humid night hair was suffocating, or it could be the anxiety, as Eddie stepped into the empty lot. The junkyard was a stone’s throw from the trailer park and familiar territory, but heading out in the middle of the night to deal with a possible threat without a weapon went against his better judgment. Metal pipe sticking out from a broken car window? That would do. Now armed, Eddie snuck on the dirt and gravel, feeling his eyes widen as if that would help his night vision. Continuous sounds of destruction echoed against the stripped corpses of the old cars, leading Eddie towards it.
Something shifted behind the rusty remains of a Chrysler Imperial a few yards ahead, sending a jolt of electricity up his spine. A flashing memory of Steve Harrington beating the shit out of demon bats gave him one last ounce of courage.
“Is…is anyone there? People are trying to fucking sleep, man. So…get the hell out of here,” he spoke, wishing his voice had been a little steadier.
What sounded like someone scrambling to their feet made him back away again, readying the pipe. Just a junkie. Just a junkie. Not a demon. Not a demon eating a junkie. Don’t be a fucking coward, Eddie.
“You… you get the hell out of here!” came a voice, unmistakingly drunk, but also familiar.
Eddie screwed his face up, unsure if he was ready for this confrontation, or if he had even heard that right, but stepped unsurely around the Chrysler and there he was. In all his glory. Because of course he was.
The hair was tousled in a way he’d really only seen in it in the Upside Down, and his face down into his forearms, leaning against his knees where he sat in the dirt, leaned against the car.
“Harrington?” Eddie spoke, still a little unsure if he was seeing things. Eddie thought he heard him mumble ‘fuck’ into his arms, then raise his head and squint at Eddie.
“Oh…it’s you,” was all he said.
Eddie finally broke into a nervous laughter, too dumbfounded to know how to act. “What the hell are you doing here, man? Are you drunk?”
“Fuck off,” Steve mumbled, throwing his head back, banging it against the metal door.
“Watch your profanity.” Eddie dropped the pipe, making a clang against the ground, and walked over to reach a hand out and help this poor guy to his feet. Steve just shook his head. Nerves prickled under his skin, wondering if there was something seriously wrong or if he’d just wandered into a vulnerable moment by accident.
“Okay…I’ll repeat myself, what are you doing here?”
Steve threw his arms out. Eddie followed his gesture to the mess of shattered glass and broken, buckled car doors thrown on the ground. A baseball bat was snapped in half in the dust. “Practicing my swing.”
“Okay,” Eddie chuckled, trying to piece it together. “Because you want to be an elite baseball player when you grow up?”
The sniffle that came out of Steve sent a wave of discomfort, and perhaps worry, through Eddie. He wasn’t very good at comforting people, he didn’t think. What the hell was going on? What had he just stumbled into?
“Come on, I’ll drive you home,” Eddie offered, hoping a good night’s rest might be a solution here. It probably would be for Eddie.
Steve just shook his head.
“I can’t just leave you here,” Eddie continued nervously. They, like, saved the world together about a month ago. Hesitantly, and after a regretful sigh, he gestured to the ground a couple feet away from Steve.
“This seat taken?”
He waited, then shrugged. Okay. This was his night now. Why the hell not?
Groaning as he went down, Eddie settled in on the hard-packed dirt. Then they sat quietly for a while. The silence didn’t ring in Eddie’s ears anymore, but instead was full of crickets playing in the grass and creaking of rusty parts moving in the wind. The sky was overcast. Stars would have been too dramatic right now. The smell of a long breath escaping from Steve revealed that he was indeed drunk, and the more Eddie looked, the more he suspected some of the broken glass had once belonged to a bottle.
Although he didn’t know the context of the situation at hand, an understanding began to pool in his stomach. Of course. If it wasn’t fear keeping you awake at night, it was smashing old cars. It had to manifest somehow.
“So it’s you who’s been keeping the whole trailer park awake recently,” Eddie joked, looking over expectantly at Steve. He didn’t find it very funny, it seemed.
“I forgot you live here,” he mumbled and cleared his throat. Then he straightened up a bit as if coming to a realization. “Didn’t exactly…plan for anyone to see me here.”
“I can go if you want,” Eddie said quickly, perhaps a little relieved to get an excuse to leave.
He and Steve may have saved the world a little while ago but were they really friends? They were still completely different people, had nothing in common. The world was saved, and did trying to go back to normal include going back to being strangers? Steve had other friends anyway.
But Eddie was the only one here right now and whether he liked it or not, Steve seemed to need a friend.
Looking over at him now, empathy tugged at Eddie’s chest. Steve Harrington, the leader, the protector of worlds, looked very small. It was weird and kind of disheartening. But Eddie could allow him to be small. God knows he felt smaller than most these days.
“I just want to sober up, then I’ll go home,” Steve decided. “I drove here.”
Eddie let out a snort. “I’m not letting you drive home, dumbass. I’ll drive your car and walk home.” He wasn’t sure where that idea came from. He didn’t want to walk home alone all the way through Hawkins. He was still a murder suspect in some people’s eyes.
“Very gentlemanly,” Steve sighed. “But I don’t need taking care of.”
I think maybe you do, Eddie thought, but decided to change the subject. Something sobering. “Whatever, man. Anyway, some good news. Uh, Chief Hopper — or I guess he isn’t chief anymore — has some crazy contacts, dude. He helped me with the murder charges—” Eddie had to swallow, wincing at the image in his mind. “Said he like ‘knew’ some people at Hawkins lab? And they’re all involved with this obviously and he said they wouldn’t want what really happened to get out so they could cover my ass in the press. So I don’t talk. I don’t know, it was a whole blackmail situation. I never really liked cops but that guy’s pretty great.”
“So you’re a free man?” Steve summed up, surprisingly enough having followed along.
“More or less. But that doesn’t change the popular opinion. I’m the devil in their eyes.”
“Weren’t you always?”
Eddie squinted. “A joke? Hey, that’s a good sign. I’m a little offended, but I’m proud of you.”
Relief fluttered in Eddie’s stomach at Steve’s smile. Just a moment ago he didn’t want to talk at all.
Another pause. Steve had his eyes closed now. Eddie noticed a scrape on his forehead and bruises on his knuckles. It seemed Steve was always battered and bruised somehow. He remembered when he got into that fight with Jonathan Byers a couple of years ago and came to school looking like he’d been in the ring with Muhammad Ali. Eddie would usually condemn such pathetic, testosterone-fueled antics, but he couldn’t deny he’d looked hot. Of course he hadn’t entertained that thought. Not just for obvious reasons, but because Steve was about as far away from Eddie as a person could be back then.
Now they were sitting in the junkyard together. Eddie just felt bad for him now, knowing the wounds were somewhat self-inflicted. Or just a product of his life. Either way, it hurt Eddie a bit. He didn’t want Steve to suffer. He realized his eyes were still glued to his face and a flush of embarrassment went through him. Not the time.
“Don’t fall asleep, will you? Don’t think I can carry you.”
“Try and I’ll rip your arm off,” Steve warned casually. Eddie grinned. It seemed the mood was a little lighter, and Steve had obviously calmed down.
“So…want to talk about it?”
“It?” Steve mumbled.
“Um…” Eddie furrowed his eyebrows questioningly. “The whole ‘beating the shit out of old cars with a baseball bat at 3 AM’ thing?”
“I just…I just get angry sometimes.” He paused, screwing his face up before relaxing it, as if trying to figure out if he wanted to explain. “Everyone sees me as this like…brave, invincible guy. Because I’ve been in this fight for a while now. I’ve even claimed to be ‘used to it’. You don’t get used to it, Eddie,” he said, turning to look at him for a brief, chilling moment. A shiver ran over Eddie’s skin from the intensity of his gaze. “It just keeps getting worse. Like, who’s to say it’s over? And— and— Next time, what if one my friends die? What if I die? What if I— if we fail, and more people get hurt?” Steve gestured a bit vaguely, his eyes wide and somewhat manic. Eddie noticed his fingers shaking and felt a jolt of pain in his chest.
These thoughts must be what had been plaguing him the last few weeks. Eddie couldn’t blame him for keeping him awake. In fact, he felt guilty he hadn’t come to see what was going on sooner. Once again the result of his lack of a spine.
Although it was a bit incoherent, what he said was a possibility, perhaps even probable, if something terrible happened again. Because Steve would sacrifice himself just for the slight chance to save somebody, that’s for sure.
“Sometimes I just can’t stop thinking about it. Everything that’s happened. The people who have died. What I could’ve done to—” his voice became frail, and he seemed to try to shake it off and sniffed.
“Don’t do that to yourself,” Eddie mumbled, but knew somewhere that he did the same thing regarding Chrissy, so he wasn’t sure how convincing he was. “You already know how I feel about you, but I get that that’s not any comfort now.”
Eddie startled a little at his own words and cleared his throat awkwardly. Was he getting intoxicated on fumes here? Steve looked up, a little confused. Hot embarrassment flooded Eddie’s head.
“I mean, what I said in the Upside Down. That you’re…a good dude. And pretty brave. I wouldn’t do the things you do for your friends, even if I wanted to. I just don’t have that in me.”
“That’s exactly the thing,” Steve cut off and Eddie breathed a sigh of relief that he’d let his awkward comment go. “People have looked to me my entire life, one way or another. Sometimes I just wish I could be a coward and have no one expect anything from me. Now, if someone dies…that’s on me.”
Eddie ignored Steve indirectly calling him a coward. “That’s just not true.”
“You don’t understand,” Steve muttered, pressing his legs closer to his chest.
Sympathy or guilt stabbed in Eddie’s chest.
“Listen,” he said. “If people had expected a little more from me throughout my life, seen me as someone with goals and a good chance of achieving them, maybe I wouldn’t have turned out this way.” He said it as a joke, but it wasn’t really. “Don’t tell anyone I said that.”
“Turned out what way?”
Eddie hesitated. “You know. Someone who runs away from a fight. Whether it’s demons or just normal people, I just hide away now mostly,” Eddie shrugged, trying not to show the disappointment weighing in his stomach. “You fight back because it’s the right thing to do, and you know how to do it. And you get back on your feet. I just don’t.”
“Oh shut up, it was your first time dealing with this shit. You—”
”Get used to it?”
Steve was about to object, but just sighed, letting the truth just hang in the air for a moment.
“What I’m saying is, you eventually realize how…like, little your life is worth.” A pang of worry shot through Eddie. “I mean, compared to everyone else. Or, compared to the people you care about.”
“I’m gonna stop you there,” Eddie interrupted loudly, cutting the quiet.
“You don’t get it,” Steve repeated with a sigh, beginning to get to his feet, a bit unsteadily.
Eddie went up quicker, annoyed now. Instinctively he grabbed a hold of Steve’s forearm and pulled him up. Steve wobbled on his feey, blinking hard at the vertigo and holding on with a second hand to Eddie’s arm. They were freezing cold and Eddie studied the bruised, white knuckles as fingers pressed into his skin. For a moment he forgot what he was going to argue about.
“Steady, Eddie,” Steve mumbled, and Eddie couldn’t help but feel his heart soften at the amusement appearing in Steve’s face at his own rhyme. The air shifted a little, and Eddie remembered Steve was drunk and probably just saying shit.
Still, something in him couldn’t let that pass.
“No but seriously now,” Eddie continued. “Saying that I don’t know what that feels like makes you sound ignorant. If anyone gets feeling worthless, it’s me. Okay?”
Eddie paused, suddenly painfully aware that he was not a sharer. He did not ventilate these feelings to people. But Steve was drunk, and stared at him with a piercing darkness that made him feel like he could see straight through him anyway. So he might as well.
“I’m a fuck-up. My parents don’t even want anything to do with me. I’m doing senior year for the third time. So…shut the fuck up, dude,” he said with an awkward laugh. Steve continued staring at him, and Eddie suddenly became aware of his hand still holding Steve’s arm and quickly let go. His palm tingled, reminding him of the time they’d touched that chandelier through time and space.
“Well, then we can both be worthless,” Steve muttered, pushing his hair back through his fingers and shifted his weight unsteadily. Eddie winced at the tug of gravity towards him, looking away awkwardly. “Anyway, I always thought all that shit didn’t bother you,” Steve thought out loud, rubbing his eyes now, probably desperate to sober up and get out of this situation. Embarrassed, Eddie stepped back.
“I work hard to make sure people like you think that. Same as you pretending to be super stable and fine with all this shit that’s happened, then coming to the junkyard to punch your feelings out.”
Eddie didn’t mean to sound mean, and regretted it instantly, but Steve just laughed breathily. Then he nodded, raising his eyebrows in a familiar way.
“That makes sense, I guess,” he agreed. “I just…I can’t fucking stand being at home when it’s like this. I’ll start climbing the walls, you know?” Steve turned around, started shifting on his feet and looking around like a deer listening for predators.
“I just keep thinking about…everything that’s happened. When we almost lost Nancy.”
Eddie felt like he’d stopped right in front of the tripwire. Right. Nancy. That whole thing. Steve still had feelings for her, right? As far as Eddie knew, nothing had officially changed in the relationship dynamics, but a weird, dark feeling stung in his veins at the memory of them.
“Max’s brother, and Barb. Not to mention Chrissy. I just can’t stop thinking who’s going to be next, and how powerless I’ll be to stop it,” Steve explained, almost sounding out of breath. He was freaking out. Eddie realized he had to keep him grounded.
“It hasn’t even happened and you think it’s somehow all your fault? Come on, you’re smarter than that. You’re drunk, you’re spiraling and I’m taking you home now.”
“No,” Steve refused, turning his back fully. “I can’t stand it there.”
A sigh escaped Eddie. He knew what that felt like. He hadn’t been welcome in his parents house for a few years now, and even if he was, he’d feel like a circus animal trapped in a cage.
“I’d offer you to sleep at mine but my uncle’s home, so…” Eddie sighed, truly wishing he could offer a place to sleep. “Just let me take you home. Don’t you have work in the morning?”
Steve nodded slowly. “And you have school. Shit, I forgot about that.” Eddie bit back how little he cared, knowing it might convince Steve to go home and rest. A groan rumbled from him. “Fine, drive, Munson.”
Eddie thought how he’d gladly miss school as long as Steve was alright, but then pushed that thought away hurriedly.
It started raining just as they got in Steve’s car, parked anonymously on the flat, asphalted area next to the junkyard. Droplets became streams of water streaming down between the wipes. It was quiet, and Eddie tried not to feel awkward. He didn’t expect Steve to be a chatterbox right now, exactly.
Eddie assessed the situation a few times. Just when he thought things might go back to normal, he got caught in this. Driving drunk Steve Harrington home on a school night. Sure, why not?
A piano intro crackled from the car radio as they reached Hawkins only traffic light, which of course was red despite the streets being completely empty. Instinctively, Eddie reached to turn it up. Steve, who had had his head leaned against the window with a blank look on his face, glanced over unsurely.
“Heart?” he scoffed in disbelief. Eddie squinted.
“Don’t shit on Heart if you know what’s good for you,” he muttered.
“I thought you were into like…metal rock or whatever,” Steve questioned.
“Heart is a hard rock band. Glam metal, some would say now. So I accept it,” Eddie explained, trying not to smile.
“So it’s cool if I tell everyone that you love Alone by Heart?”
“Never said nor agreed to that, no.”
Steve let out a quiet laugh. The raindrops on the windshield went from reflecting red to orange to green. How he’d wished they’d stayed red for a second longer. To stay still here for just a second more. The reality of that thought crashed down on him, and Eddie searched for amway to break the tension he was imagining as he drove.
The chorus hit. Grinning, he slapped his hands on the steering wheel and turned on Steve, who startled in his seat with surprise.
“’Til now, I always got by on my own!” Eddie sang, or cried out, half-heartedly glancing at the road. “I never really cared until I met you!”
“What is happening right now...?” Steve chuckled with eyes wide, and pride at making him laugh sparkled in Eddie’s chest. He continued the chorus dramatically, hissing out the highest harmony on the title phrase. Steve laughed, holding his stomach as if it ached. He was probably tired since before, but Eddie gave himself some credit.
“Not bad huh?” he joked.
“How are you hitting those notes? I mean, it was not exactly beautiful, but I’m still in shock right now,” Steve continued, scratching his eyebrow casually, but he couldn’t seem to wipe the grin off his face.
“You learn a thing or two listening to my kind of music,” Eddie shrugged, glancing over repeatedly to catch glimpses of his smile. His face looked lighter, still tired, but not in a dead-ish way. He was just nice to look at.
Eddie drew in a sharp breath, pushing the thought down. It was fucked up to think that right now. Or at all. It was one thing when the world as they knew it was ending, then Eddie might have allowed himself to indulge in the idea of liking Steve Harrington. But he had to try to go back to normal now.
He could excuse it as being worried. Steve hadn’t been okay earlier. He seemed better now. Eddie was allowed to be happy about that.
By the time they were up at the Harrington’s house, it was pouring. Eddie parked, and turned the car off. The silence was deafening now, contrasting his impromptu sing-along. Then they sat there for a moment, staring up at the house. The sigh Steve let out was a bit painful, but Eddie couldn’t solve all his problems in one night. No matter how much he wanted to.
“You gonna be okay?” he asked, trying to sound casual.
“Yeah, yeah. Always,” Steve promised with a goofy smile, but it fell away too fast. “Are you sure you want to walk home? I can probably fix—”
“It’s fine, really,” Eddie cut off before Steve had convinced him of something very stupid. Like staying the night. “If I don’t get murdered or fall into an interdimensional portal, I’ll let you know.”
“Don’t say that,” Steve mumbled, looking down with a genuinely mournful expression. A pang of guilt shot through Eddie. Perhaps not the best time.
“Sorry.”
Steve went up to his front door and unlocked it very quietly, then turned around.
“Thanks. For, uh…” he broke off, making his scrunchy thinking face again. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“Hey, no problem,” Eddie chuckled, waving a little as he stepped backwards into the night rain.
Steve slipped inside quietly, and the door locked. Alone again. Eddie let the rain drench him where he stood on the driveway before turning dramatically on his heel to walk all the way back. Despite the freezing rain and menacing solitude, he felt content. Mind buzzing with fresh memories being developed like photographs, images of Steve’s expressions and piercing words. His rare smiles. Eddie’s chest felt tight, his hands were restless. Butterflies in his stomach like a kid. Fucking great. Of course. Of course he’d actually catch feelings for Steve Harrington.