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She met Barnes in the lab to show him the modifications Stark had made to his rifle, and the new uniform jacket. "There's a layer of the same material Stark's using on Captain Rogers's uniform," Peggy said as she held it up to him.
He nodded thoughtfully, pulling it on, and seemed satisfied. She watched as he picked up each piece of the rifle, examined it, and put it back together with nimble fingers. "She's a beauty," he said. There was a ghost of a smile playing across his lips, but she'd noticed a few days ago that he rarely smiled for anyone but Steve. On the trip back to England and in the pub last night, she'd scarcely paid attention to him, but in the cold light of day, she could see how…altered he was, even though she hadn't known him before the rescue. As soon as Steve's attention strayed from him, the mask of normalcy slipped a little lower, and there was genuine pain behind his eyes. Steve wouldn't see it, of course. All he could see was that his best friend was back.
"You'll want to sight it. And Stark's developed some ammunition for it you'll want to test. I thought we might go this afternoon with the rest of the squad."
"Sure thing."
"Sergeant," she said evenly, an attempt at calm she didn't feel. Her heart ached for him, because she cared for Steve and Steve cared for Bucky Barnes. He was so impossibly young, even though they were the same age, and she'd heard how much he'd sacrificed for his men in captivity, even when he'd been desperately ill. That he'd volunteered to go with the guards to save someone else. "You know you could go home. It could be made to happen. You don't have to do this just because Captain Rogers asked you to."
He didn't look up from his rifle. "Thanks, but--if Steve's here, I'm here." She didn't know him enough to judge whether or not that was resentment in his voice.
Peggy nodded. "Understood." But she wanted to convince him somehow.
For a long while they were silent, Barnes starting at his rifle, Peggy staring at him. Then he said, so quietly she almost couldn't hear him, "When did you know?"
Ah. "I think it was…well, Colonel Phillips and Dr. Erskine had been arguing about who should be the first test subject. The men had been utterly terrible to him during training, yet he persevered, and I admired him for it, for looking at things differently than they did. The colonel really didn't like the look of Steve at all and wanted someone else. He threw a dummy grenade into the center where we were drilling. Everyone ran out of the way except Steve. He jumped on it, and waved us all back."
Perhaps that would upset Barnes to hear such a thing. She tried to lighten it. "He seemed confused and then said, 'Is this a test?'"
It had the desired effect, and Barnes smiled, finally meeting her eyes. "So you see why I can't leave him."
"Has it always been this way?" Peggy asked him softly.
"Not always. But long enough." He sighed, and peered at her with such intensity it made her heart pound. "Listen. I'm fucked up. Something's wrong with me, I know you know that. You're smart and you see with clear eyes, in a way he never could. And I think it's just getting worse. Physical changes, mental ones. I don't know what's going to become of me. If I get worse, if I become a threat to him or to you or to any of us"--he waved a hand around--"then I want you to do it. You won't hesitate, I've seen it in you."
"No, I wouldn't. You're correct about that." She put her hand on his arm as if to say, let's hope it doesn't come to that.
"If you see me losing myself, if you think what makes me who I am is--"
"Let's make a test of our own, shall we? Tell me something only you would know. Not even Steve. Write it down and I'll memorize it and throw it away. It will be between us. Only us."
His shoulders relaxed, he put the rifle on the table and shrugged off the jacket. There was…affection in his eyes, not the false bonhomie he'd shown last night, but genuine feelings. "Thank you," he said, and leaned over, pressed his lips to her cheek. She put her hand to his face, and kissed the corner of his mouth.
_______
Barnes stood in the shadows of her room, watching her sleep. He didn't know why he was here, she would surely tell Steve that he'd paid her a visit. Maybe she'd been a mission once, an order he hadn't fulfilled. There was a pull to see her, once he'd found out she was still alive. Security in places like this was so pathetic, meant more to stop thieves and non-family members from getting access to the rooms. It was too easy to slip past in the darkness he inhabited.
Her eyes flew open as he moved toward her bed, a strangled sound coming from her parchment throat, yet it wasn't out of fear. "I wondered when you might come," she finally said.
He could kill her so easily, yet she wasn't afraid. That was…sadness, he thought. Yes, sadness. "What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know." She held her hand out. "First, let me ask you a question."