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I had assumed that after abdicating, Mare and I would live our lives in relative peace and anonymity. And when our children were born, I certainly assumed that they would grow up far from the level of scrutiny that I experienced when I was young. Mare and I had both hoped that our children would be raised with experiences vastly different from either of our own. Clearly, I was foolish to think that.
Mare and I, in our own right, are apparently interesting to people, which has only been compounded by our friendship with Montfort’s elite. At first, we had tried to keep our ongoing relationship with Davidson more private, meeting behind closed doors in the hopes that we would be seen as taking a step back and not be obligated to make any kind of special appearances. It didn’t quite work, as our roles in the war (and before that, in my case) guaranteed us spots on invite lists for most political functions. But still, we managed to keep it to a minimum, and to stay somewhat in the shadows when we did have to go somewhere. But when Kilorn began his political career… well, the Barrows were the closest thing to family he had, especially Mare, and we couldn’t just not publicly support him in the hopes that we could keep our private little lives.
Which was how we ended up sitting front and centre at a parade to celebrate Kilorn’s inauguration as premier with two little children. Mare sat next to Kilorn, personal relationships taking precedence over ministerial ones for this particular event, with our children between us, and the rest of the Barrows on my other side and in the row behind us.
The parade feels like it’s been going on for hours, and as fun as some of the displays have been, I can tell the kids are getting restless. Particularly Shade. At three (and a half) this event is really starting to push his limits, and naptime has been completely disregarded.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement, and I look to my right, only to find Shade turning around in his seat and Mare trying very hard not to lose her temper. He says something to Clara, who is sitting behind Coriane, and when she remains stock still, he pulls a face and sticks out his tongue at her, clearly displeased by her lack of reaction. Mare leans over, one hand on his back.
“Please face front,” she whispers, her voice tight with restraint. “You don’t want to miss all the cool performances.”
“It’s boring ,” Shade whines, a little too loudly, slumping back in his seat and crossing his arms over his chest as he pouts. “I don’t wanna!”
“Well, all these people are all showing off for Uncle Kilorn, and we don’t want to disappoint him, do we?” Mare reasons, and I see Kilorn fight back a smirk next to her. “So we need to sit still and watch nicely, like your sister and Clara.”
“No!” Shade protests, this time drawing looks from a few of the other guests nearby, and he pushes at Mare’s shoulder.
“Shade…” she sighs, and I can sense her frustration.
“Shade, do you want to come sit with me and Grandpa?” I interrupt, hoping to save my wife from the imminent toddler tantrum. I think we would both agree that the battles we fought in the war were easier than our children’s tantrums.
Shade immediately perks up, scrambling out of his seat. Mare gives me a grateful look as I nudge Coriane to move over. We shuffle around – Coriane taking her brother’s seat, me taking hers, and Shade taking mine. He grins widely as he looks between me and Daniel, kicking his feet in the air.
For one fleeting moment, I start to hope that maybe Shade will settle down just from the change in location, but that thought is quickly dispelled. Within thirty seconds, he wants to climb onto his grandfather’s lap, chattering away nonstop.
“Grandpa, do you know Uncle Kilorn isn’t even from Montfort?” Shade asks, twisting around to look up at Daniel with wide eyes.
Daniel looks at me and chuckles. “Yes, I know that. Your mother and father aren’t from Montfort either.”
“ They’re not? ” Shade gasps, sounding utterly scandalised, and I almost snort with laughter at his shock.
“No,” Daniel says, his smile growing wider, “none of us are. Only you and Coriane, actually.”
“But… why ?” he asks, still completely mind blown.
Daniel looks at me questioningly, but I shake my head slightly. This is a story that we have not yet discussed with our children. They’re still so young and it’s… it’s hard to know where to start. Mare thinks we need to though, at least with Coriane, but I am reluctant. There are a lot of reasons – many things that I’m not proud of and don’t want my children to know – but mostly I just don’t know how to tell them about Maven. I want Shade and Coriane to know more about my brother than just the monster he became at the end, but it's so complicated…
“We just… decided we wanted to live somewhere else,” Daniel says, answering Shade’s question.
I can tell that this won’t even come close to satisfying my son’s curiosity though, so I quickly try to distract him. “Shade, look, there’s an animos display next. They have bison!”
He perks up immediately, jumping off Daniel’s lap and stepping toward the edge of the stands and placing his little hands around the railing as he looks over in excitement. I don’t understand his fascination with the creatures, and it never fails to remind me of my first visit to Montfort, but Shade is absolutely enamoured with them. He watches, practically vibrating with excitement, as the animos directs the shaggy beasts to prance in some elaborate routine that almost looks like a dance.
As soon as the beasts are out of sight, Shade clambors back onto Daniel’s lap and immediately starts recounting the performance that we all just watched, complete with twisting motions that mimic the bison. He keeps going through at least three other acts, not even a little bit interested in the rest of the parade.
Finally worn out, Shade pulls himself onto my lap, his feet on either side of my hips and his head against my shoulder. I lean back as much as my seat will allow to try to make myself as comfortable as I can for him. He turns his face into my neck and I feel long eyelashes fluttering against my skin. Despite all the noise of the parade, it’s only a few minutes before I feel his head drop lower and his breathing even out into slow, warm puffs. The way his little hand tightens around the collar of my shirt is so endearing, and I feel like this is a moment I should treasure. Shade won’t be little for long, and he’ll quickly outgrow these kinds of snuggles.
Mare looks at me almost disapprovingly, as if our son falling asleep in my lap is not exactly what she envisioned for this afternoon, but I almost shrug. Shade is quiet and not causing a scene, so who cares if he’s asleep? And hopefully a nap will keep him in a cheerful mood for the afternoon’s activities. Mare seems to come to the same conclusion after a moment, and she smiles softly at me.
For a minute, I forget where we are and what we’re doing, forget that there are a thousand people watching us right now. For a minute, I feel utterly breathless looking at her, still amazed and grateful that she chose this life with me – troublemaking toddlers and all.
When I catch myself, I shake my head a little, forcing myself to watch the parade again, but I can’t get rid of the goofy grin on my face. And every couple of minutes, I can’t help but steal a glance at my wife.
“Daddy, stop!” Coriane protests quietly after probably the tenth time. “You’re supposed to be paying attention.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” I answer, and I see Mare struggling not to laugh while I brush dark curls over our daughter’s shoulder.
I can practically hear Mare’s voice in my mind. She’s all you, Cal. And though I’d like to claim otherwise, Mare is not wrong in the slightest. We both know she was never the rule-following type, but I… well, Coriane definitely gets it from me. She’s a bit more serious than I ever was though, which is saying something, and sometimes I see a little bit of my brother in her. Not in a bad way – never like that – but the Maven that I grew up with, the quiet, sometimes stoic little boy. Julian, on the other hand, claims that Coriane takes after my mother. I like to think that’s true, though I don’t really have anything to base it on, other than Julian’s word and my mother’s diary. Either way, Coriane takes very much after the Calore side of the family.
It’s funny almost, how both of our children seem to have taken after their namesakes. We’ve talked about it occasionally, who we think our kids take after, and for the most part we are in agreement. Every now and then, Mare will say she sees some of her dad in Coriane, but for the most part, we both acknowledge that our daughter is all Calore. But Shade… he is a Barrow through and through. When he is being particularly stubborn, Mare claims that she doesn’t see it, but when I look at them, it’s like he’s his mother in miniature. He has her good traits, too, like her resourcefulness. But mostly, Shade is so much like the uncle he was named for. For my part, I mostly see in him Shade’s boisterous energy, but I know Mare sees more. She doesn’t talk about it often, but I see the memories flicker across her features sometimes, and every now and then she’ll just whisper, He looks so much like him.
I find myself zoning out for the rest of the parade, too focused on my own thoughts and the pleasant feel of my son asleep against my chest. It comes as a surprise to me when the audience stands and starts to clap, the parade now concluded, and I join them a half second behind. I manage to keep Shade balanced in one arm with minimal jostling as I stand, and mercifully, he stays asleep. A napping toddler might not make for the best pictures, but it sure as hell beats a crying one. When the music stops, we file out of the stands just behind Kilorn, and I can tell Mare is relieved to be back in private again. There is still the dinner to go to tonight, but at least it won’t be quite so public.
“Mommy, can I go with Clara and Auntie Farley, please ?” Coriane asks as we walk toward the cars that are waiting to take us all back to the premier’s mansion.
Mare looks at Farley, who nods. “Okay, sure.”
Coriane squeals and bounces off to join her cousin, making Mare laugh lightly.
“Thank you,” she says, rubbing her hand over Shade’s back before looking up at me fondly.
“Anytime,” I whisper in reply, leaning down to give her a quick kiss.
When I pull away, Mare keeps smiling at me. Not a normal smile, but one that feels heavy with emotion.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she says, but the smile doesn’t go away and I raise my eyebrow. She sighs. “I just… I like seeing you like this.”
She gestures vaguely at Shade, and even though her words could not be less descriptive, I understand what she means. Not just being a dad, but being a dad to a little kid, which seems to be slipping further away every day. I’ll still love being a dad when both our kids are older, and even when they’re teenagers, but there’s something special about those baby years.
“Wanna do it again?” I ask, grinning and even throwing in a wink.
“Definitely not,” Mare laughs, but I don’t miss the spark of longing in her eyes as she looks from me to Shade.
There might still be room to convince her if I try. I make a mental note to explore that later. I wouldn’t mind another baby, if Mare’s up for it, and I definitely wouldn’t mind trying.