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Porsche is strutting down the hall to Kinn’s office and he can't help but think about how long it’s been since he last came here. He usually avoids coming to the family estate. There is no need for him to be here except for the family reunions or crisis meetings. Kinn likes that Porsche isn’t too involved in all of this and Porsche likes it that way as well. He never walked away from the tough conversations or avoided the horrible things Kinn had to do for his job, but they both enjoy that whenever they are together, Kinn can just forget about the rest and Porsche is happy to provide him with the safety he is craving.
Right now, though, Kinn would definitely not feel safe with him considering that Porsche almost wants to murder the man. All the bodyguards he meets on his way bow to him but he barely acknowledges them, going straight where he needs to.
He finally gets closer to Kinn’s office and sees Pete and Big, guarding the doors. They both immediately set their eyes on him and bow their heads.
“Khun Porsche,” Pete greets him.
“Pete,” Porsche answers before turning to Big who keeps his chin up as if he were trying to prove his importance to Porsche. If Porsche weren’t pissed, he would’ve actually laughed in his face.
“Khun Kinn asked not to be disturbed,” Big tells him.
Porsche lifts one single eyebrow and looks down on him.
“Do I look like I fucking care, Big?” he spits out. “Out of my way. Now.”
“We have orders,” Big insists and Porsche has to tighten his fists so he doesn’t throw a punch at him. Thankfully, Pete, the most sane bodyguard in Kinn’s team, steps closer to his colleague.
“Big. He’s the boss’ boyfriend. If anyone can overrule the orders, it’s him,” he reminds him.
Big sends him an annoyed look, while Porsche sends him the brightest and most hypocritical smile he can.
“Always a pleasure seeing you,” he concludes before walking past Big into Kinn’s office.
He makes sure not to slam the door behind him, not wanting to alert his partner, and walks straight to the end of the room where Kinn is seated at his desk, his nose deep in paperwork. Once again. Porsche lets out a small sigh and he can see Kinn’s shoulders go rigid.
“I asked not to be disturbed,” the man says, not looking up from his work.
“Hello Kinn,” Porsche decides to settle on and that is enough for Kinn to look up. It’s almost adorable, the way he seems genuinely surprised to see Porsche standing in front of him.
“Porsche? What are you doing here?” he asks as he lays back in his chair. The man is no fool, he knows that if Porsche decided to come here unannounced, he must have a pretty good reason.
But Porsche simply shrugs, as if it weren’t a big deal.
“Just checking to see if you died or simply truly forgot about our diner plans,” he answers with a cynical smile.
Kinn immediately closes his eyes and sighs as he realizes he did forget about the dinner Porsche had been organizing for quite some time now. His partner had invited him to his place a few weeks ago, Kinn had agreed without paying much attention to it and here they are, not having dinner together because Kinn had spent the entire day swamped in work. Again.
“I forgot, I’m sorry,” Kinn sighs as he stands up. “There was a last-minute meeting this afternoon, then I had to come here to make a report and—”
“I don’t care, Kinn,” Porsche interrupts him, making him stop in his tracks too. Kinn was stepping closer to Porsche but stopped when he heard the numbness in his voice. He normally would press the matter but he truly doesn’t have the time at the moment. He needs to finish this report for his father before he can focus on anything else. And that includes Porsche.
“How about you wait for me on the couch, then I’ll take you to the best restaurant in town to make up for it?” Kinn suggests before walking back to his seat. That usually works. Whenever they are about to have a fight, Kinn always tries to avoid it if possible, and Porsche gladly enables him when he feels like it’s pointless to fight over whatever is going on. However, it seems this time, Porsche can’t let it go.
"I can’t do this anymore Kinn,” Porsche lets out with a breath.
Kinn stops in his tracks and slowly turns to Porsche. He’s looking at his feet, his fists are clenched and his shoulders are hunched, like he’s trying to make himself as small as possible. As if he didn’t want to be in this room. Kinn breathes in deeply and tries to stand stall in front of Porsche, while his face clearly shows that he’s not enjoying whatever is happening at the moment.
"What are you talking about?” Kinn asks, tilting his head to the side.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Porsche sighs quietly before looking up at him.
Kinn puts his hands in pockets and straightens his back, as if he were putting his armor back on. Porsche hates that. He hates that Kinn feels like he has to put up his walls when it’s just the two of them but it seems they’d gone back to square one and he hadn’t been able to stop it.
“I really don’t, so why don’t you spell it out for me?” Kinn spits out and Porsche has to close his eyes to stop the tears from falling down.
“Kinn, please,” he whispers.
“Say it, Porsche. What can’t you do anymore?” Kinn repeats with his cold tone that Porsche simply loathes.
“Be in a relationship with you! I can’t be in a relationship with you anymore. I want to break up,” he lets out, looking at Kinn dead in the eyes.
Porsche can see his shoulders slightly fall down but his eyes stay as neutral as possible. It brings Porsche back to the beginning of their relationship when Kinn didn’t know if he could trust him or not. When he still tried to keep him at a distance, while deciding if they should pursue their relationship. Porsche had enjoyed it at first. He enjoyed getting under the man’s skin until he gradually managed to gain his trust and after that, Kinn had always been sincere with him. He never tried to hide his feelings or try to put some distance between them. Until a few months ago, when Kinn started to miss more and more dates and whenever they were together, it was like Kinn was not really there. Facing this look in his eyes, Porsche truly feels like they’re back to square one and he hates what it does to him.
“I’m not sure I understand… You can’t be in a relationship with me anymore?” Kinn asks.
“That’s what I said. I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t be with a mafia boss anymore.”
“I thought you didn’t care about who I was,” Kinn states.
“I don’t,” Porsche admits. “I knew who you were when we started, I knew what I was getting myself into and I didn’t care. I still don’t. I don’t care that you’re the biggest mafia boss in all of Thailand.”
That’s true. Porsche always knew who he was dealing with and he sincerely does not care about what Kinn does for a living, he’s learned to live with it and accept it out of love early on in their relationship.
“Then why do you want to end this? Am I not a great lover? You seemed to enjoy it the last time I was pounding into you,” Kinn adds and Porsche knows he’s starting to get angry. He only starts being crude when he’s sincerely pissed.
“Kinn, please.”
“What? You don’t like hearing the truth?” Kinn continues, smirking, happy to see he’s finally starting to get a reaction out of Porsche.
“Stop being like this. You’re a great lover, that’s not the problem,” Porsche groans, rolling his eyes.
“Then what is the problem, Porsche?” Kinn insists and Porsche has to try very hard not to lash out this instant.
“This. The fact that you don’t seem to care about me or about what I need,” he decides to settle on.
“What are you talking about? Of course I care about you, I wouldn’t try to make up for the missed dinner if I didn’t,” Kinn answers as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Porsche sends him an annoyed look, which Kinn holds, thinking he’s not the one at fault.
“Do you even know why I wanted to have dinner with you?”
Kinn groans, rolling his eyes.
“You’ve been on my ass for weeks about this dinner, it clearly meant a lot to you so I made sure to have a clear schedule to make it. It’s not my fault an impromptu meeting was scheduled and prevented me from going.”
Porsche snickers, shaking his head.
“This meeting was planned, actually. I was the one who told Pete to get someone else to go and to clear your schedule in the first place. But of course you just had to find out and go anyway.”
“What?” Kinn exclaims. “Why the hell would you–”
“It’s our anniversary Anakinn!” Porsche interrupts him, finally lashing out too. “It’s our one year goddamn anniversary and yet, you don’t seem to give a flying fuck about our relationship!”
Kinn feels his entire body freeze when he hears the words. To hell with the fact that Porsche had messed with his work. He can’t believe he actually forgot about their anniversary. Even if he won’t admit it out loud, Porsche feels relieved when he sees the shame over Kinn’s face.
“I- I didn’t realize,” Kinn stammers.
“Don’t worry Kinn, you’ve made that very clear.”
“I’m sorry. The last few weeks have been so busy, I’ve been deep in negotiations and meetings, and I didn’t realize the date was coming up so fast,” he tries to explain himself but Porsche simply shakes his head.
“I get it. I sincerely get it,” Porsche sighs. “You have an empire to run. So obviously, you don’t have time to think of anything else, or anyone else. And that includes me,” he concludes with a crack in his voice and Kinn hates the way Porsche understands him so well.
“Porsche–”
“Don’t,” Porsche says, taking a step back as Kinn tries to walk towards him. “I thought when you would see me, you would remember and try to make up for the last months where you’ve barely acknowledged me but no. You can’t forget about your work, even if it’s only for a few hours, can you?”
“You know my work is important to me,” Kinn reminds him.
“I know it is, but I thought I was just as important. How foolish of me.”
“Porsche, love, I’m really sorry,” Kinn says again, taking a step towards Porsche. “You know you’re important to me.”
Porsche sends him a small and sad smile.
“It’s been ages since you last called me that.”
Kinn sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He knows it’s going to take a lot of work to get Porsche to forgive him but he needs to try. He has to.
“Look, Porsche, I–”
“Let me stop you right there,” he interrupts him immediately. “I know you’re going to feel sorry, and try to apologize and promise me you’re gonna make it up to me but I know you Kinn. You’ll try your best for a few days and when you’ll feel like I’m satisfied enough, you’ll go back to your old ways. I cannot do this,” he says with a shake of his head.
Kinn clenches his jaw and breathes in deeply.
“I don’t know what you’re expecting me to do.”
“Nothing. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to. If you don’t want to spend time with me, don’t. I don’t want to be a burden to you, Kinn. You have enough on your plate but I also know I deserve more than what you've been giving me.”
Kinn simply looks at him, taking in what he’s just said and Porsche feels his heart clench. This is it. He knows Kinn is about to give up. If there’s one thing Kinn Theerapanyakun does not do, it’s begging. Because of how much he loves Porsche, if the man truly decides to leave, Kinn will not beg him to stay. If he feels like Porsche will truly be happier without him, he’ll let him go. Because in the end, Kinn only wishes for Porsche to be happy.
“So that’s it? You’re just gonna give up? Without giving it a try? Without giving me a chance to make up for it and prove to you that I’m all in?” Kinn still tries and Porsche sends him yet another sad smile.
“I’ve given you plenty of chances, Kinn,” he tells him. “All these past dates, dinners and lunches that you’ve canceled? That was me giving you the chance to prove to me that you were still invested in this relationship.”
Kinn bites the inside of his cheek, while his eyes convey so much confusion.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks with a broken voice and Porsche has to force himself not to go and hug Kinn.
“Because you had to want to see me, Kinn. I couldn’t force you to come to me simply because you were scared of losing me.”
“That’s not fair,” Kinn groans.
“I never said it was.”
“I can’t let you leave me,” Kinn says stubbornly.
Porsche rolls his eyes fondly and sends him a soft smile. He can’t say he’s surprised by the worry he hears in his voice. Kinn is and will always be a mafia man. His top priority is to protect the family, against all potential threats and that includes Porsche at this moment.
“I’m not gonna sell any info on you or your family, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Porsche reassures him.
Kinn frowns, seemingly genuinely surprised by Porsche’s words, and shakes his head.
“It’s not. I can’t let you leave me because I don’t want this to be over.”
“It’s for the best,” Porsche says with the softest voice he can.
“For whom?”
“For you, because you can find someone who’ll ask you way less attention than me. You’ll be free to do whatever you want without having me holding you back.”
Kinn looks at him, trying to convey all of his emotions through his eyes, but Porsche cannot let him win this. He’s been suffering for weeks, wondering if their relationship was simply going through a rough patch but Kinn had proven to him again and again that he was getting bored with this relationship and that he didn’t want it anymore. So Porsche had decided to get ahead of him and end this, for both their sake.
Kinn eventually turns around and stands in front of the glass walls behind his desk, his hands in his pockets. Porsche tilts his head to the side, looking closely at his partner and he can feel that something is not right. Whenever they had an argument, an important and real argument, Kinn would never back away from it. He would try to get to the bottom of things so they could properly discuss it and move on. Right now, though, it almost seems like he’s trying to escape this talk as if he doesn’t want to admit his mistakes.
Porsche decides to take a few steps closer to him.
“What’s on your mind, Kinn?”
“I didn’t mean for it to happen like that,” Kinn says in a small voice, almost whispering, making Porsche frown.
“What did you mean, then?” he asks, trying to contain his emotions. Kinn is definitely hiding something and he doesn’t like it.
“Not that.”
Porsche groans loudly and shakes his head.
“Oh my God, just spill it out, damn it! What are you hiding, Kinn?”
“Nothing,” Kinn says with a tensed voice.
“Please don’t take me for an idiot, you owe me that much,” Porsche reminds him with a dark voice.
Kinn turns around and sends him an unimpressed look, as he usually does when Porsche tries to be stern with him.
“I’m not taking you for an idiot,” he simply tells him.
“Then what is it Kinn?!” Porsche exclaims. “Are you tired of me? Don’t you want this anymore? Have you met someone else?!” he concludes and that simply makes Kinn snap.
“I’m scared, okay? I’m scared, Porsche,” Kinn admits. “The last time I was in a long-term relationship, it didn’t end well. I’m scared this relationship is going to blow up in my face juste like the last one did.”
Porsche’s shoulders shrug down, realizing he’s been reading this entire situation in the wrong way. Kinn rarely voices out his fears and doubts, even to Porsche. He lets him know when he’s worried about him or when something is stressing him out at work but he never tells him that he’s scared. When they talked about their previous relationships, Kinn had the most neutral face and didn’t show many emotions as he talked about his. Porsche figured it was because Kinn was over them but now he realizes it’s because he didn’t want to let Porsche know he was still hurt about the way it all went down.
Kinn wasn’t distancing himself because he was bored of Porsche. He was distancing himself because Porsche was holding too much power over him and that made Kinn weak in his world. Porsche shakes his head, only a man like Kinn would think of love as power and a weakness. He walks closer to him and feels his heart clench when Kinn takes a step back. He steps right in front of Kinn and looks at him dead in the eyes.
“What are you talking about, Kinn? Of course our relationship is not gonna end like that. We love each other too much to let that happen,” he states.
“Do you? Do you still love me? Because you came in here wanting to end things with me, Porsche,” Kinn reminds him and Porsche’s heart breaks a little when he hears the crack in Kinn’s voice.
He steps even closer, not letting an inch of space between them and takes his head in his hands.
“Yes, because I thought you didn’t want this anymore. That you didn’t want me anymore,” he admits and Kinn immediately frowns.
“Of course I want you, love. I’ve wanted you since the moment we met and I’ll want you until I die,” he confesses as he connects both their foreheads.
Porsche feels a wave of relief wash over him. He’s still amazed at the way Kinn manages to find the perfect words in situations like this.
“Please don’t talk about dying,” Porsche pleads with a small laugh.
“Sorry,” Kinn chuckles. “And I’m sorry for not talking to you about what I was feeling. I should have talked to you instead of shutting down.”
Porsche smiles at him, softly and brushes his hair. They had similar talks before, about Kinn not opening himself up enough. Porsche had reminded him, time and time again, that he shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about his feelings with him. That’s what being in a relationship meant, that they could share their burdens. Granted, Porsche didn’t do it with his doubts and they clearly need to work on their communication skills but Porsche believes they can work it out.
“I’d think you know better than letting me threaten you before actually telling me what’s wrong,” Porsche tries to joke but it only makes Kinn sigh.
“I was scared I’d be right and you’d want to leave me. I thought distancing myself would make you want me more and not make you want to leave me even more,” he explains before groaning.
As he says it out loud, he realizes the fault in his logic. Things don’t work like that between the two of them. The only thing Porsche always asks of him is honesty, especially given the nature of his work. Kinn spends his time in dangerous situations, the last thing Porsche needs is to not know what’s truly going on in Kinn’s life. Clearly, they still have a long way to go but Porsche wants it. As long as Kinn will have him, he wants to spend as much time together as they can and love him wholeheartedly. Hopefully, Kinn will finally understand Porsche’s sincerity and will stop being scared.
“I don’t… I don’t want to leave you, Kinn. I just thought it would be the best choice for you, since you were pulling away so much,” he explains. “But since you’re doing that because you’re scared… I guess I should comfort you and make you understand I’m in it for the long haul, right?” he suggests with a smirk.
Kinn finally sends him one of his large smiles, the ones Porsche can’t get enough of.
“Yeah?” Kinn whispers.
“I love you, Kinn,” Porsche starts. “I’m in love with the idiotic, ruthless and loving mafia boss that you are. You hide so much from the world but when we’re together, it’s like… Only the two of us exist and you trust me so much, love me so much, I could never let that go. Please don’t doubt my love for you ever again, okay?”
Porsche tries as hard as he can, but he can’t help the way his voice cracks when he asks that question. They’ve been together for a year now, yet, he still feels like Kinn doesn’t understand how much he loves him and how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with him. He’s going to make sure Kinn never questions his love for him ever again.
“Okay,” Kinn agrees. “I promise to never doubt you again, if you promise to never doubt mine.”
Porsche sends him his brightest smile and nods before leaning in for a soft kiss. Kinn puts his hands on his waist, while Porsche circles his neck with his arms. He feels so much love coming from Kinn, he can feel his body shake. He makes sure to convey all of his feelings through that kiss as well. It’s almost like a promise. A promise to be better. To love each other better. He leans back and looks at Kinn with so much love, Kinn almost feels like he’s drowning in it.
“Now, do you actually have to work or can you spare me a few hours to get dinner?” Porsche asks.
“I could eat. I’d also like to eat you, if you’re on the menu,” Kinn jokes.
Porsche laughs, throwing his head back, and Kinn uses this chance to nip at Porsche’s neck, making the man squeal. He tries to step back but Kinn holds him close to his body, biting his bottom lip. Porsche shakes his head and runs a hand through Kinn’s hair.
“Maybe later. You gotta earn it, though,” he teases him.
“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll work very hard for it,” Kinn smiles lewdly.
Porsche scoffs and Kinn feels his heart
“You’re the worst!” Porsche exclaims and Kinn kisses him lightly.
“I love you,” Kinn tells him.
“I love you, too, babe,” Porsche immediately answers, leaning in for another kiss.
Kinn kisses him back, putting one hand behind his head, to deepen the kiss and share all the things he can’t put words on. All he wishes to tell Porsche but can’t seem to find the right words for. Porsche kisses him, just as deeply, answering Kinn and transmitting all that he’s feelings and hopes Kinn knows.
Kinn detaches himself and leans his forehead onto Porsche’s.
“Happy anniversary, Porsche,” he says in a whisper.
“Happy anniversary, Kinn.”