Chapter Text
Staring at two little babies, swaddled up with blue and pink hats respectively had been permanently been etched in her brain. It was the image she conjured after a tough case, or after Jake had died, then there was another baby in the mix, another pink hat that centred her in the midst of chaos, but now that little girl with red cheeks and a pink hat was all grown up and telling her that they needed to talk about the wedding plans before the car arrived to take them wedding dress shopping.
Somehow, as if Olivia had just blinked or something, Emily was getting married and Olivia had no idea just how that had happened so quickly. Maybe it was the job, the hours, maybe it was the distinct before and after Jake and Elliot respectively, or maybe it was just that time was a thief and her baby girl had grown up faster than she could imagine. Olivia had been younger than Emily when she and Jake had gotten married and in so many ways it had been a relief when Emily had broken up with her high school boyfriend and then even when she had broken up with her college boyfriend. It wasn’t that Olivia wished pain upon her daughter, but she wanted Emily to experience more, she wanted Emily to wait to settle down. Certainly had Emily wanted to marry one of the other men who had been in her life, she would’ve supported her, but it was at 31 that Emily had come to her saying that the man she had met while on a trip to their Hamptons house with some girlfriends a couple of years prior. His name was Alex and he was from South Carolina, he was a lawyer who had just landed a job in New York and some friends had dragged him away for the weekend which is how he had stumbled upon Emily with her olive skin and tanned legs and beautiful long brown hair that looked an awful lot like her mother. So now, now that same olive skinned, tan legged woman with beautiful long brown hair that had recently been cut just a little bit shorter sat with her mother and an enormous diamond ring on her finger that had once belonged to her great-great Grandmother, Olivia could see just how happy Emily was.
“What is going on?” Olivia asked, smoothing her hands over the cream coloured dress she was wearing. “Is everything alright?”
“Relax,” Emily laughed effortlessly, it was almost as if she didn’t quite remember that her mother had a bad habit of jumping to the worst case scenario. “Where is Dad?”
“Dad is bringing groceries to your sister,” Olivia laughed. Grace was living off campus in a condo that Olivia and Jake had purchased pre-construction as an investment about a year before he died.
“She knows you can order them, right?” Emily smirked and Olivia chuckled, they both knew that Elliot was happy when any of his kids needed him, she and Christian were no exception to that rule.
“Dad likes to help,” Olivia countered. Grace had graduated a year early and despite her parents suggesting multiple times that she take a year to travel, Grace had insisted she wanted to jump straight into school. So she went to NYU and lived on campus her first year and then had moved into the apartment that she was in now with a roommate who happened to be a friend she had known since the 3rd grade. “I thought we had to go,” Olivia was certain if she looked in her phone she would see a series of messages about the atelier’s that Emily had lined up for them to go to. It was Emily, Olivia, Grace and Emily’s best friend Madison going, Grace would meet them there which was part of the confusion over Elliot being with her at that moment.
“I just I wanted to ask, before we go,” while Olivia had done her best not to spoil any of her children, there was no changing the fact that they had been born into wealth. They had all gotten access to their trust funds and money from their grandparents when they had died, all of the money Jake had, Olivia had used to try to balance her children having the best of the best but also being decent humans. They worked hard, they got good grades, but her older daughter still had a love of designer fashion houses and good shoes, handbags that cost more than rent in Olivia’s first apartment back in college and fancy parties that Olivia was sure she had never enjoyed herself. “Is there like a…budget?” She asked tentatively.
“Is there like a budget?” Olivia repeated with a smirk. So far the wedding was happening at Gurney’s Montauk and had involved booking an entire weekend, Emily hadn’t asked any questions about a budget when Elliot had handed her the credit card to pay the deposit and their oldest child had simply skipped away to pay the venue on their visit. “Honey, you pick the dress you want,” she told her quietly. “But remember…it’s only a day,” she thought about both of her weddings, of the big party that she and Jake had indulged in and then she thought about the simple, quiet wedding at home that she and Elliot had hosted. She knew that it wasn’t the wedding that mattered, what mattered was marrying the person you loved and wanted to be with for the rest of your life. A person who would great her well and love her, that was what mattered. “I’m happy to pay for food and a venue and everything to create a memory, but Em, the dress will go in a closet…” Olivia’s voice trailed off and then she took a deep breath, “sweetheart, I can’t pretend that I have saved for this day for you because I haven’t. You can have whatever wedding you want because of your Dad, and you grandparents, and I don’t want to stop you. Your father would want you to feel like a princess and for that reason alone, I do too.”
Jake wasn’t a forbidden subject. He never had been, he never would be. Olivia had encouraged the kids to talk about him. They had told Grace all about him and they made sure that Will could ask whatever questions he wanted… it was just a part of their life. They had Jake who was their Dad and Elliot who was also their Dad and that was how their life was.
“When did it start, Mom?” Emily asked after a moment of silence, her eyes focused on the ring she was spinning around her finger just like Olivia had always done when she was nervous. “You and Dad…Gracie…when did it all start?”
“We don’t,” Olivia inhaled, “Gracie could be…we never…” the usually poised and composed Olivia Benson was fumbling over her words, confronted by something that had been unspoken for so long in her presence.
When had it started? How long did it last? Did their father know? Was Gracie his?
“Grace is A positive Mom,” Emily paused, lifting her eyes from her hands and settling on her mother. “So is…so is Elliot, and Dad was B negative.”
Grace had needed blood after a car accident on her way home from a volleyball game over 5 years earlier. They hadn’t talked about it, in fact, Olivia wasn’t sure she had fully taken in the information until this moment where Emily was reminding her. As far as Olivia had always been concerned, Grace was Elliot’s in every way that mattered. “Em…”
“It doesn’t change anything Mom. Not for me, not for Chris, not for Will…I just…I remember, I remember there was a point where you and Dad fought more, and then…I mean god, he was Uncle Elliot, and he was around more…”
“It hadn’t been going on for long before he died,” Olivia admitted. “Just…a few months before our 11th wedding anniversary…there was a case…” her voice drifted off. “Emily I loved your father. I loved our life, I loved you kids…your Dad…I mean, the William thing…it was a mess and I can’t pretend it didn’t throw me for a loop, but I didn’t go out looking for it to happen.” Olivia pressed the pad of her thumb against her eyes in hopes of not breaking down in tears, she felt relief when Emily reached for her other hand and squeezed it tightly. “I loved them, I love them both, and so differently Em. Dad and I were so young and we hadn’t experienced the world, and I don’t regret that because I have you and Christian…but sometimes I wonder, if I had met Elliot first, maybe it would’ve all been different. There are so many things that I would change if I could. I wouldn’t have cheated on your Dad because it made me someone who I swore I would never be, and it did the same to Elliot. I would’ve…I don’t know I would have told him. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t because I loved him.”
“So we were…what?”
“You were at school and with the nanny and with Dad…” it wasn’t something she was proud of but it was a fact, she and Elliot had run around together when they should’t have been, any moment they could get, they took. “At work…”
“I never knew,” she admitted with a faint chuckle, dropping Olivia’s hand as she laughed. “I mean, I guess I knew once Gracie was born and you and him got married, but we were so happy for you. I just…I never really thought about what it meant. Where you were supposed to be.”
“I’m sorry Emily,” it was honest and truthful and there were no excuses she could come up with to make it right. She was sorry, she hated that she had been this person, even if she didn’t regret how it had all turned out in the end.
“Do you remember the Thanksgiving dinner?” Olivia nodded as she thought back to the Thanksgiving they had before Jake had died. The Christmas decorations that had gone up and then were taken down for a funeral just ten days later. “I sat with him on the couch, and Nana was being…”
“Nana,” Olivia finished for her.
“Dad and I watched you going crazy and he looked at me and told me how much he loved you. He told me he wasn’t perfect but that somehow he had still gotten to be the luckiest guy in the world and we laughed because he knew that I knew you guys had been fighting, and Nana was driving you nuts over napkins or something.”
“She was furious,” Olivia laughed, “because the caterer had set up white napkins on a cream table cloth and you would think the house had been on fire.”
“Why did you stay?” Emily asked, seemingly changing the direction of their conversation, satisfied with the details she had been given of the affair. “In the brownstone…after Dad, and…everything.”
“It was home,” Olivia answered simply, “it still is. It is where you and Christian grew up, and it was where your Dad and I were happiest, and Elliot understood that. So we didn’t move.”
“And you kept his office,” Emily nodded, it was like she was really understanding what Olivia meant when she said that she had loved them both.
“It was his,” Olivia agreed. The two women stared at each other for a moment before Olivia cleared her throat, “honey today is a special day for you. I don’t want you getting bogged down in this ancient history. Your father was an amazing man, and a wonderful dad, and I am so thankful for him. But I’m thankful for Elliot because he had been a great dad too, hasn’t he?” Another nod from Emily and Olivia was relieved. “He’s really excited about walking you down the aisle. I know he won’t show it. He’s got the macho sergeant thing going on,” she joked about the rank he had retired with, “but he is so happy for you, and he loves Alex.”
“He tolerates Alex,” Emily smiled and the pair stood up. “I love you Mom,” she pulled her mother in for a hug and Olivia was so relieved. Of course this was a conversation she had expected at some point, but she had never really known when that moment would come. She supposed it made sense. Elliot was going to be walking Emily down the aisle and it was only natural that it brought up feelings about Jake and all that had gone on over the years.
“I’m so proud of you,” Olivia whispered into Emily’s brown locks, “I love you Em. I love you so much.”