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"Lucas, go away. I'm serious."
"Max, come on. Tell me what's wrong," Lucas pleads, taking another step forward.
Max is sitting on her bed, clothes and hair rumpled from sleep. She hasn't been at school in a week, and Lucas is beginning to worry about her. She hasn't reached out, hasn't done so much as tune in on the walkies, and hasn't even been talking to El.
"Lucas, go away," Max repeats, voice hoarse from disuse. Her cream colored tank top has a small coffee stain that she's focused on, while Lucas stares intensely at her downcast, blue eyes.
"Max.."
"Lucas!!"
"Max."
"Lucas."
"Maxine?"
"Don't call me that!" Max erupts, finally looking at Lucas. He expects her face to be rage filled, absolutely irate, but she just looks scared. Her eyes are wide and teary, and she looks smaller than Lucas has ever seen her. He scrambles to correct himself.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Max. I know you don't like it when we use your full name, I should've-"
"No," Max interrupts, tucking a strand of long, red hair behind her ear. "You don't- you- you don't get it."
"Then help me get it," he replies immediately, daring to take another step. Max doesn't argue, so he sits next to her on the bed, worn jeans creating friction against her soft, pink, heart-patterned pajama pants.
"I can't."
Her voice cracks and it breaks Lucas' heart. He needs to know what's wrong. He needs to help, to fix things. He needs his Max to be okay.
"Max, please. You can tell me anything. Seriously. I love you, okay? You need to understand that. I love you, unconditionally, and I don't think I'll ever stop. Please, just trust me," Lucas tells Max, turning to her and placing a cautious hand on her freckled shoulder. She doesn't flinch, but she doesn't lean into it either.
"Okay. Fine. But you're gonna think I'm a total freak," Max replies, words drenched in thick, thick sadness. Lucas can hear the struggle in her voice.
"I won't. I never will. I promise."
Max turns her head a little to meet Lucas' gaze. "Okay," she says, a watery grin taking the place of her frown. There's a tiny bit of blood where she's been worrying at her lip, and Lucas watches it with anticipation. "Okay, fine. You asked for it."
Lucas nods, squeezing her shoulder as a final affirmation. She can do this, and he's sure of that.
"There are two things. I don't which one will be harder to tell you, and I'm- I'm just scared. I don't want you to hate me."
She pauses, inhaling, and Lucas knows if he speaks again, she might lose her nerve.
"So, first of all. Um. Uh. God, why is this so hard? Can you pick a number, one or two? I'll tell you whichever one you pick first."
"Okay, yeah. I pick.. two."
"Um, okay. Okay. I can do this. Lucas, promise you won't hate me? And you'll think about this with an.. open mind?" Max checks one more time.
"Promise. Pinkie promise."
"Okay. So, the second thing. Is that I.. like someone else. I love you, Lucas, more than I've ever loved anyone else."
Lucas cringes, heart sinking. Max keeps talking. "But I love, uh. I love El, too. And it's so- it's so confusing, and I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I love you and I love her and she's a her and I just- I just-"
"Max. It's.." Is it okay? He can't really decide yet, but he tells her anyway. "..okay. It's okay."
"Is it?" she asks, reading his mind.
"Yes," he says, hesitantly. "Yeah, Max. It's okay." And, well, maybe it is. "Do you want to break up with me?"
"No, dumbass!! That's the problem. I like both of you. I don't want to break up with you, you're, like, my whole world," she corrects, spilling her feelings and being more vulnerable than she has been since talking to Vecna at the Creel house. "I know it's sappy and dumb, but you're my person, Lucas. It just feels like she's also.. my person. You guys are my people." Max pauses. "Do you want to break up with me?"
"Never, Max. We've been over this."
"I know, I just.."
There's a short lull in their conversation, Lucas trying to still his spinning head.
"Does she know?"
"No," Max says, laughing with pity for herself. She looks older, and Lucas is really noticing the differences between her when he met her and the version of her that's sitting beside him now. "I can't tell her."
"Why not?" Lucas asks, shifting a little closer. He really wants her to know it's okay. Max loves him, and.. that's enough.
Lucas loves a lot of people. Not romantically, sure, but he knows you can love more than one person at once. He loves El, Mike, Will, and Dustin. He loves Robin, Eddie, Steve, he even loves Nancy and Jonathan and Jonathan's skunky-smelling friend sometimes. They're his best friends, and they've been through Hell. He loves Erica and his parents, they're his family. They raised him, and continue to do so.
More than anything, he loves Max. And while he can't imagine loving anything more than he loves her, he ponders the possibility of loving something just as much, and it doesn't seem totally impossible.
"We're in Hawkins, for one. And El just broke up with Mike-"
"They broke up almost a year ago."
"-so I don't know if she's really ready to be in a relationship, also I don't know if she likes me back, and- God, it's just hard. And I have you, so that should be enough for me."
"But it's not," he says, and it was supposed to be a question but it comes out as more of a statement, if not a little bit angry, and he doesn't know how to feel about that.
"It's.. it's like two separate things. You're enough for me, when it comes to you. You're more than I could ever ask for. But you and El are like different, I don't know, categories? Like you fulfill my need for time with my boyfriend, but I still really want her to be my girlfriend. I just like you both, a lot. I'm sorry, I don't really know how to explain it," Max exhales heavily, sounding resigned.
"No, I think.. I think I get it. Max, if you wanted to date El, and she wanted to date you… I wouldn't be mad. I mean, why does this have to change anything negatively? Why can't you date me, and also date her?"
"I guess I could, if that was okay with you. But I didn't think it would be."
"Well, it sort of sounds fun. We could all go on dates together and that kind of thing. Unless you don't want me third-wheeling, in which case-"
"No, no. I think the point is sort of.. that there isn't a third wheel at all. We'd be like.. a tricycle."
"I like that," Lucas says, honestly. "El is one of my best friends, and if you guys make each other happy, then I want to support you. All I want is for you to be happy."
"You're sure it wouldn't be weird for you?" Max asks.
"No!" he takes a moment to consider. "Well, maybe. But not all weird is bad. I mean, just look at.. us. Look at everyone we know."
"You're right, Lucas. I hate when that happens," Max sighs, shaking her head. "Okay. Maybe I'll ask her out. Or maybe I'll just.. talk to her about this and see what she says. She would never judge me."
"She wouldn't. El loves you, Max, whichever way it might be. So do I."
Max sighs again, although this time it's happy, and she scoots impossibly closer to Lucas, letting him hold her with his right arm and intertwine their hands with his left.
"So, what was the other thing? The first thing."
Max goes rigid in his arms, pulling back. Her anxious, tired energy returns and Lucas' stomach is turning all over again.
"Max, whatever it is, we can figure it out. Together. I love you. You're.. I don't even have the words. You mean so much to me. Nothing will change that," he reminds her, running a soothing hand over her hair. He would finger-comb it, but it's a bit matted from a week straight of laying in bed and he doesn't want to hurt or distract her.
"Okay, well, this one is a doozy. I don't really completely get it myself. And I know you're all about, like, loving me no matter what, but, I want you to know that I won't be upset- er, I won't blame you, if you don't want to be with me after this. I'll understand."
"Max, you're not a frea-"
"It's not really about that, though," Max immediately argues, biting at her lip again. "It's just.. you like girls."
Lucas hums a noise of agreement, furrowing his brow. Where is she going with this?
"Um, I.. I don't think- it's just, I don't really feel like a girl."
Lucas internalizes that, going over the words in his head, and Max takes that as disapproval.
"Um, I know that I was born a girl, but I just mean.. like, mentally, I don't always feel like a girl. Sometimes I do, I guess."
"So.. you're a boy? Max, that's.. weirdly enough, that's fine with me. I still don't want to break up."
"No, I- wait," Max looks to him. "That would seriously be okay with you..?"
"Well, yeah," Lucas replies. He imagines Max looking like the boys in their grade, Max being short for Maxwell instead of Maxine, short, bright hair, a polo shirt and shorts like Will always used to wear.
And he doesn't mind. He actually finds that he still wants to kiss boy-Max. Huh. Huh.
"If you're a boy, I'll still be into you. I love you for who you are, Max. At this point, it's really not about whether you're a girl or a boy or what you look like, although you know I think you're very beautiful. Or.. handsome, if that's what you want to be called."
"Oh," Max whispers, tears in his(?) eyes. "Well. Okay. Okay, Lucas. Thank you."
"There's nothing to thank me for."
"It's just that, I'm not exactly a boy. I feel like one sometimes, but I also feel like a girl sometimes, but sometimes I feel like neither. Sometimes I feel like both."
Neither? Both? Lucas files that away to think about on his own time. This is about Max.
"That's okay, I think. I'm sure there are people like that all over the place, we just don't know any in this stuffy ass town. So you're, like.. fluid? It changes?"
"Yeah, I guess it does. And.. I actually knew someone in California. They had everyone call them 'they', and they went by the name Taylor, because it can kinda go either way, I guess."
"So can your name. Unless you want to use something else?"
"No, Max is good. Just.. no Maxine. I hate being called that."
"I'm sorry," Lucas apologizes again, kissing the top of Max's head.
"It's okay, stalker," Max replies, laughing a little bit.
"So, you want to be called 'they', like Taylor?" Lucas asks, intrigued. He's never heard of that before. He didn't even know that was something you could do.
"Sometimes, sure. But I don't exactly mind being called 'she'. I like 'he', too. Any one of those is okay with me."
"Cool, Max. You've got a little collection of words to refer to you with."
"I sort of do, don't I?"
"Are you still my girlfriend?"
Max ponders this for a moment, face scrunching up in thought.
"I can still be your girlfriend. But I like boyfriend, too. And maybe, like, I don't know. Partner? Again, anything's fine."
"Okay, that's just awesome. So many possibilities!!"
"You're such a dork," Max says, but their face suggests that they don't mind, contorting with laughter.
"Do you plan on telling anyone else?" Lucas asks, wrapping both of his arms around Max.
"I don't know yet. Maybe El? I don't really mind being called 'she', and I like the name Max, so it's not like I'm super uncomfortable.. I just might need to warm up to the idea of sharing it with people."
"That's fine, I'm not trying to pressure you. Take things at your own pace, boyfriend."
Max's face cracks out into a huge, blinding grin, and he nestles closer to Lucas.
"Can I brush your hair?" Lucas asks, spotting the hairbrush across the room.
"Just one more minute like this, and then sure," Max replies, voice muffled by Lucas' shirt.
She smiles into Lucas, feeling all warm and fuzzy.
"Hey, tell anyone I said all of that nice stuff about you earlier and I'll get Erica to tell me what's under your bed," they threaten, pulling back to look at Lucas with a devilish grin.
Lucas just groans, shaking his head and hugging Max a little bit closer.