Chapter Text
November 1976
The day Sirius Black turned 17 was anything but celebratory. It was so awful, in fact, that Sirius often wondered later whether it had been one of the worst days of his life.
As he sat in the exam room at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, left to compose himself after the procedure was completed, it occurred to Sirius that perhaps it was mildly pathetic for him to be so put out about the whole ordeal. He’d made the appointment himself, after all – and months ago, at that. Nobody had forced him to do it, so why was he still sitting on the uncomfortable, lumpy bed, knees drawn up to his chest, crying like an inconsolable child?
A soft knock at the door startled him, and he looked up with puffy, red eyes as it was slowly pushed open to reveal a hesitant James Potter.
“Hey,” James said quietly. He hovered in the doorway, half inside the room and half outside.
Sirius swallowed. “H-hi,” he managed to eke out. Then, he dissolved into a fresh bout of tears. James quickly shut the door behind him and closed the distance between them in seconds, pulling a trembling Sirius into his arms.
“Shit, Sirius…” James whispered, tucking Sirius’s head into the crook of his shoulder and holding him tightly.
“It’s gone,” Sirius sobbed. He clung to James’s jumper like a lifeline, too distraught to worry about soaking it through with tears. “And I know I made the r-right choice… but it hurts, Jamie, and I only did it because of them.”
The venom in his voice made it sound like snarl, and he had never wanted to curse his awful, bigoted mother and father more. They were the reason he was here. They were the evil cretins from whom he wanted to protect a stranger he’d never met. Even now, with Sirius being seventeen and officially emancipated from his parents’ grasp, they continued to poison his happiness; them and their disdain for the idea of their oldest son ever being with someone who wasn’t a pureblood girl from an acceptable family. The Black family had been known to kill off “undesirables” who matched with their heirs, simply to make it easier to force them into an arranged marriage, and Orion and Walburga had never been the type to break the Black family mould, so there was no sense believing they might now.
In the eyes of Sirius’s parents, no one could possibly be more “undesirable” than a man matched with their eldest son and heir; and Sirius was certain it would be a man. He’d known that much for years now.
“Gods, Sirius, I’ll kill your parents one day. I swear to Merlin,” James said through gritted teeth, holding Sirius even tighter.
Sirius let out a sound that was half of a sob and half of a laugh. “Promise you’ll make it a Pensieve memory for me if you do?” he asked bitterly.
“Obviously,” James huffed, and it made Sirius feel ever so slightly better for a moment until a fresh wave of grief washed over him.
“He’ll never know how much I wanted him,” Sirius sniffled. “Even if I find him, I’ll never be able to prove that we’re soulmates without a mark. I- I don’t even have a picture. Just a drawing.”
James, ever the optimist, was annoyingly hopeful in his reply. “It’s still possible, though,” the younger boy said in a strained voice.
“Sure,” Sirius scoffed. “If you think actual miracles count as a possibility.”
James squeezed him tightly and sighed. “I do.”
When Sirius finally calmed enough to walk out of the exam room with a shred of his dignity still intact, he allowed James to lead him to the Floos downstairs, listlessly following the familiar mop of messy, black hair. One handful of Floo powder later, the two of them landed in the fireplace in McGonagall’s office. Her sympathetic gaze was far too difficult for him to meet fully, and he kept his eyes down for the entire walk back to Gryffindor tower.
“Sirius…” James began when the dorm room door closed behind them. Peter was gone, probably with the chess club in the Great Hall.
But Sirius shook his head, and James instantly understood what it meant. I don’t want to talk right now. Instead of pushing the matter, James pulled on pyjamas while Sirius did the same, and climbed into Sirius’s bed beside him.
“J-James…” Sirius croaked, his voice going wobbly.
“I know,” James said, pulling Sirius into his arms for the second time that day. “I know.”
It might have been minutes later, or it may have been hours, but eventually Sirius fell asleep just like that – in the arms of his brother, mourning the loss of his soulmark, and the soulmate he would never meet.