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Izuku Midoriya is as ignorant as he is reckless. That’s what people say. Izuku doesn’t mind, he promises he doesn’t.
Izuku’s always been small, and not just in build. He’s been weaker and more frail since the beginning of time. Lesser.
What do you do when you’ve hit the bottom? When you’re nothing more than dirt on the bottom of your classmates’ feet? You look up.
When Izuku looked up, he saw the sun, so bright and blinding, it nearly seared him alive. But in the distance, Izuku saw another star, one just as far away, but more palatable, easier to approach, maybe. So Izuku, the dust and dirt and sand, became friends with Katsuki, a distant star, as they raced towards the sun together.
Heroes.
But Izuku forgot one thing. No, that’s not right, because of all of the things Izuku is, he is nothing if not smart. It’s the only reason he’s still alive. So he ignored it then. For protection? Or so he could still look at the stars even if he was nothing? Izuku forgot that distant stars burn as much as the sun does.
Don’t get too close.
“Kacchan’s my best friend!”
Too late.
Izuku’s never been hurt so much as when Katsuki hit him. The wounds or bruises weren’t even that bad, Izuku should just get over it. Heroes have to endure pain. But Izuku’s chest aches and tears well in his throat when he walks home.
He sat in the bathtub, trying to stop his tears before his mother got home. He choked, tears mixing with water. As he turned off the faucet, he stared at his reflection in the stainless steel. Kacchan’s a hero, he thought, you just need to hold on. He’ll get better.
Dully, he wondered why he needed to wait. Why does Izuku have to play nice? Why is he suddenly the criminal if he doesn’t? Maybe that’s just how being quirkless is. You’re already a fault to society by existing.
Sorry. Izuku will continue to apologize until he finally deserves to be alive. He’ll get better.
Izuku ignores a lot of things. It’s fine if he can’t stand next to Kacchan, he’ll just chase after him, too. Izuku doesn’t mind a longer run. He’s been running his entire life. His feet ache and his chest burns.
And then All Might appeared. The sun had appeared. Izuku wasn’t dead. Not yet. “Take a swan dive off the roof.”
But if the sun doesn’t burn you alive and swallow you whole, is it even a sun? “You can’t be a hero.”
It’s fine. They’re heroes. It’s okay. Hold on. It’ll get better.
And then Izuku got a quirk, ignoring the fact that he didn’t solve anything. He saved Kacchan, ignoring all his bully’s words. He’ll prove he’s here.
U.A.’s nice. Really nice. So nice that Izuku can almost ignore everything in his past. Briefly, Izuku wonders if everyone would still be nice had they known he was quirkless. He’s terrified of Kacchan letting it slip.
He’s terrified so he allows Kacchan to drag him to Ground Beta. To watch that star glow bright and ignore all the warning signs in his mind.
He lets himself be pushed and shoved. It’s not that bad anymore, now Kacchan only shouts at him or ignores him. It’s not that bad, it’s good enough for a Deku.
But Deku’s supposed to mean “you can do it!”
Izuku doesn’t feel like he can do anything. Especially when he watches hero society fall apart at its seams.
Somedays, his past floats into his present again like particles in space. On those days, he’s no longer ignorant, his mind is perfectly clear. He hates those days, because on those days his anger overpowers his love.
On those days, he’s the one who ignores and pushes and shoves (but never bullies, he would never).
Izuku wakes up with a fire in his eyes. Every nerve is on edge. The alarm clock is too loud. Izuku hates alarms.
The trudge downstairs is grueling and loud. Has his floor always been this noisy? The kitchen is filled with too many people who think their presence is over-important. No, they’re just as useless as he is.
“Midoriya! You’re late to breakfast! Did you sleep well? Eight hours of sleep is-”
“Respectfully, Iida, shut up.” Izuku hadn’t realized he said it outloud until the entire common room froze.
Izuku’s too fed up to mind. When Kacchan tells him to die, nothing’s done, but the moment he speaks out of line, people are scandalized?
Izuku drags himself to the coffee machine, picking up someone else’s espresso and downing it without a moment’s hesitation. This seems to cause his classmates to move again.
“Woah, dude, I didn’t know you had it in you!” Kaminari says.
“I don’t know if this is manly or not.”
“Midoriya, I apologize if I bothered you but coffee is extremely unbecoming for a future hero! It could ruin your sleep schedule!”
Izuku rolls his eyes. “Middle school already did.” He relishes in the way Kacchan freezes.
When Kacchan returns from his stupor, he glares daggers at Izuku all throughout class. Izuku doesn’t care.
By the time hero training rolls around, his anger has only grown and any satisfaction he got from the breakfast ordeal is overshadowed by his friends bombarding him with questions.
He exhales, just looking to have a relaxing training session to get rid of the feelings building in his chest. Any hope is instantly wiped when Mr. Aizawa announces that he and Kacchan are paired for a rescue exercise.
Izuku fakes a smile, starting towards Kacchan. He reaches an outstretched hand, “Let’s both do our best, okay?”
It’s brutally slapped away, knocking Izuku to the ground. His face burns red with humiliation and embarrassment as he hears a few snickers from the rest of his classmates. Mr. Aizawa sends him a look that screams “Don’t cause trouble”.
Izuku clenches his teeth as he picks himself up, jogging to catch up. It’ll be fine. It’s not middle school. It’s fine. Kacchan will be a great hero, Izuku can’t do anything. He’ll save so many people. It’ll be fine. Izuku will suck it up, he’ll get better.
“Deku! What was that?” Kacchan barrels into the changing room, slamming him against the lockers.
The breath is knocked from him, leaving him grasping for words as he chokes.
“Chill out, Baku-bro,” Kaminari says.
“Yeah, keep it down, we’re trying to change. Besides, Mido-bro was totally manly!”
“Shut up, Deku was completely useless out there. I told you I was going in for a right hook so why did you sweep the bottom floor?” he demands and his grip on Izuku’s shirt becomes suffocating.
“I-I was just getting the victim so y-you could deal with the villian,” Izuku wheezes.
“Tch, you’re worthless.” Kacchan lets go of him.
As Izuku straightens, that fiery anger returns. “Why do you always say that?”
“Hah?” Kacchan turns. “Cause’ it’s true.”
“Why are you always like this?” Izuku bites out before he can stop himself. “If you’d just listened to my plan, you would’ve known that everything would’ve been fine had you waited a second.”
“Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious, Kacchan. You crashed into me, not the other way around.” When Kacchan faces him, the red in his eyes is so bright, Izuku nearly stumbles back.
All his confidence is gone again and Izuku is back in that classroom. He doesn’t realize his arms are moving up to protect himself until Kacchan turns around again with a “Tch”.
His legs shake as he watches Kacchan leave.
“What’s up with Mido-bro?”
“Yeah, you’re like super daring today.” Izuku looks up at Kaminari and Kirishima. Will they insult him, too? No, they’re not like that. They’re different. They’re his friends, too.
Why were they good enough but Deku isn’t? Why?
“Just tired,” he says.
“No kidding,” Kaminari whistles and Izuku just wants to punch him.
“For future reference though, you probably shouldn’t do that, you know how Baku-bro gets.” Why is that an excuse? It’s not Izuku’s fault. Kacchan needs to get better.
Kirishima chuckles, “Yeah, were you trying to get him to hit you?”
Izuku stops. His eyes widened.
Kirishima pats him on the shoulder, oblivious to his internal panic. Izuku barely feels it over the rush in his brain.
“You’re lucky he didn’t actually.”
But he did. He did. He did. He did, he did, he did-
“You’re lucky that Bakugou is such a good student, now don’t provoke him again.” Izuku won’t.
“Are you seriously complaining about a few bruises?” Izuku wasn’t.
“Now, now, Midoriya, there’s no reason to make up lies.” Izuku wouldn’t.
“Katsuki’s going to be a hero, you don’t want to ruin that, do you?” Izuku didn’t.
The All Might posters stare at him from every which way. He doesn’t actually idolize All Might so much anymore, it’s kind of faded now that he knows him in real life. There’s a quote like that, isn’t there? Don’t meet your heroes.
He still keeps them because he still feels an odd sense of comfort and nostalgia. When he looks at them, he remembers who he used to be. Usually, he revels in the fact that he’s come so far. Today, he wants to rip the papers off his wall.
“Deku! Dinner’s ready!” He hears Uraraka call as he pushes himself downstairs.
“Your rescue was so intense!” Mina says.
“Indeed, Midoriya’s skills have truly been improving.”
At the mention, his food turns sour. He chews the rice bitterly.
“If you ask me, the nerd’s still trash.”
“Aww, don’t say that!”
“Yeah, Deku did great!”
“He needs to get better if he’s going to compete with me,” Kacchan says.
“Don’t you think you need to practice, too?” Sero asks. “You crashed into him.”
“Hah?”
“Yeah, no offense, but you were kind of uncoordinated,” Kaminari notes. Izuku would get beat up if he said the same thing.
Realistically, Izuku knows that isn’t entirely truthful. Kacchan has actually gotten better but…
But the yelling and wounds still hurt. But Izuku still can’t talk. The most he can do is listen.
“Pfft, it’s only because of Deku-” Why is he saying his hero name like it’s a curse? It’s not. Why did Deku choose that name? Useless, useless, useless.
“You ignored my signals, don’t put this on me,” Izuku snaps. Again.
“I was going in for a right hook instead of being a coward and-”
“It’s called rescuing! And it’s just as important as fighting the bad guys!” Izuku stands. He may be a hero but they’ll never be able to accomplish anything if Izuku doesn’t talk.
“Hey, woah, let’s all-”
Katsuki growls. “What are you trying to say, Deku?”
“That you’ve got to stop ignoring me!”
“I’ll stop ignoring you when-”
“When what?” And his mind is firing off stop signs but Izuku ignores them. “When you’re so much better than me? When you laugh at my losses? When you beat it into me that I’m worthless? When I finally take a swan dive off the roof-”
The words catch in his throat as he stares at the sight in front of him. Katsuki’s on the floor, did Izuku knock him there? No, there’s no way. Izuku couldn’t have.
He’s looking up at Izuku with wide, disbelieving, eyes that are so raw and different from his usual confident self, Izuku’s heart pounds. Kirishima and Mina surround Bakugou, pulling at his arms and staring at Izuku with something like apprehension.
“I-I-” They can’t know about our past. But Izuku doesn’t want to take the blame anymore. Why is he responsible for letting people know about Bakugou’s actions? It’s not fair.
The world tilts and tears run down his face. He hates how easily he cries.
“Deku?”
“Why, why, do you hate me so much?” He doesn’t even recognize the words coming out of his mouth.
His heart races. His mind whirls. Everything hurts. It’s all so painful. His chest. It hurts.
“What about me is that bad?”
That bad that “You told me to kill myself.”
Gasps echo in his mind. His legs give out but he’s still crying. Why’s he still crying? He wants it to stop, he wants to hide.
Finally, his body takes pity on him and his vision fades to darkness.
Izuku wakes up with Recovery Girl staring down at him. He yelps, sitting up abruptly.
“Oh good, you’re up, Dearie,” she says, leaning back to rapidly type on her computer.
“What happened?” Izuku says groggily.
She turns around slowly, her face full of sympathy. Izuku hates that look. It makes his heart drop and he feels like he’s been left out of a joke. Or that he is the joke. He knew that face, that face of passive bystanders who understood what was happening was wrong but couldn’t be bothered to help.
“You don’t remember?” she asks quietly.
And it’s like a trigger has been pulled. The irony would’ve made him laugh if he didn’t feel like crying instead. He told everyone. Now they know.
And yet, past the impending dread and fear, he feels something else. Relief. It’s over with. They know now.
Even if he gets kicked out of U.A, even if everyone shuns him, at least he doesn’t have to keep it in anymore.
Besides… U.A.’s different… U.A. has to be different because if the famed U.A. isn’t different, then Izuku has no chance of surviving anywhere.
Just then, Aizawa bursts into the room. He looks around before his eyes land on Izuku. His shoulders relax instantly. “Midoriya, you’re awake, good.”
His face turns serious again. “Do you remember what you said to Bakugou before you fainted?”
Izuku nods numbly. His heart picks up speed, his head hurts. Suddenly, there’s a lump in his throat, preventing him from talking, from breathing. Sure, the students in U.A. may be different but the teachers… What if Aizawa doesn’t believe him? What if Aizawa chastises Izuku for causing trouble like he always does? What if Izuku gets kicked out? What if-
“Breathe, Midoriya, breathe,” Eraserhead implores. Midoriya forces himself to inhale, exhaling frantically. “It’s alright, you aren’t in trouble, okay?” Aizawa keeps waiting until Midoriya can answer.
“Okay,” he says finally.
“Could you tell me what you said to Bakugou in the common room before you fainted?”
Izuku grips the sheets of his cot, staring down at his scarred hands. “Kacchan said something and we got into an argument like we always do and… and I know I should have resisted but I-I-”
“Midoriya.”
He doesn’t realize he’s on the brink of tears until Mr. Aizawa says something. But the words are already flowing and if he doesn’t get it out now, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to. “Why do I always have to be the bigger person? Why am I always the one who needs to stop provoking him? Why do I have to clean up after him?” His voice picks up to a shout.
“Midoriya!” Aizawa says.
His voice quiets abruptly. Like the air after a storm, silence follows. There’s a pause before the sound of Recovery Girl’s typing picks up again.
Izuku looks up, at a loss. “Mr. Aizawa, I-I’m sorry-”
“No, I’m sorry.” Aizawa is solemn. “I had no idea your relationship was this bad. I saw the signs, I ignored them. As a teacher, I should’ve looked into things more.”
Izuku’s voice is small, fragile in that nurse’s office. “Why?”
“I was afraid of my suspicions. I was afraid of being right.”
Izuku blinks. Suddenly, rage twists at his heart, pulling on the strings, dragging him along like a puppet. “So you’re a coward,” he spits out.
Mr. Aizawa looks taken aback but Izuku feels no remorse. After a moment, Aizawa rubs his temples. “Your classmates say that you accused Bakugou of telling you to kill yourself, correct?”
“It’s not an accusation, it’s the truth.” Once the melancholy and fear in his heart have been purged, there’s nothing left but fury. And unfortunately for U.A, he has a lot of it.
Aizawa’s expression darkens. “Since when has Bakugou’s behavior towards you turned hostile?”
“Mr. Aizawa, with all due respect, he tried to strangle me at the aptitude tests at the beginning of the year. You had to restrain him with his quirk. Do you really need me to answer the question?”
“Kid, I’m on your side. I believe you. I trust you. Katsuki Bakugou needs to be punished, but I can’t help you file a report unless we know all the details.” Eraserhead stares at Izuku for a few seconds. When he sees that Izuku won’t relent, he sighs.
“I failed you as a teacher. I failed Bakugou as a teacher. I want you both to get the help you need, alright?”
“You’re not lying,” Izuku says slowly as the realization sets in. His cheeks burn and he swallows, ashamed.
“I’m not,” Aizawa promises.
“You believe me,” Izuku tests out the words on his tongue.
“I do.”
And that’s all it takes. Suddenly, tears are running down Izuku’s face and he can’t stop them. Can’t be bothered to. He barely feels his body tremble with sobs. All he can do is stare ahead. Someone, a teacher, believes him. For the first time, Izuku has someone on his side. For the first time, Izuku is given the upper hand.
By the time Izuku's walking back from the dorms, everything aches, his legs, his head, his heart. And yet… he has someone on his side.
He takes a deep breath before pushing the door to the commons open. It all happened here. It’ll all happen here. He just prays that all his classmates headed back to their rooms.
But fate has never been on Izuku’s side. The common room is full, his classmates huddled in tense silence. Everyone is there. Everyone except Bakugou and Kirishima.
At the creak of the door opening, his classmates all turn. He nearly jumps, swallowing a lump. He will not flinch. He will not back down. Not anymore. If he has to, he’ll fight, he’ll-
Arms wrap around him, a body crashing into him, knocking him to the ground. A hug. He’s being hugged.
“Ochaco,” he says into the air like he can’t quite believe it.
“Deku, why didn’t you tell us?” she says. “I’ll beat him up! I’ll do it!”
Todoroki, Asui, and Iida quickly crowd around him as well.
“His behavior was always a bit unheroic, but if I’d known the extent, I would’ve acted harsher!” Iida says, remorsefully. “The Iidaten Family has wonderful lawyers, I can call-”
“So does Endeavor,” Todoroki cuts in gently. Izuku knows how Todoroki feels about his father so when he says, “I can talk to him about getting a proper case up,” it makes his heart all the warmer.
That’s right. Just a few hours ago, Izuku felt cold and dark. Isolated and alone. Izuku felt like he was in middle school. But he’s not. Izuku… Izuku feels warm. The soft common room lights shine brightly upon him and he feels… whole. Izuku feels like he’s at home.
Tsu says, “Midoriya, do you want a case?”
He looks up, sitting up straight. His friends have formed a half circle around him, protecting him. But past them are his classmates, worry etched into their features yet uncertainty plagues them from walking towards him.
“I want retribution but I don’t know if I’ll find that by stopping him from being a hero.” If he stopped him from being a hero, then what was it all for? Izuku wonders distantly. He held on for so long because Izuku wanted him to save more people than he hurt.
“Does Aizawa know?” Iida asks.
Izuku nods, “I told him when I woke up. Where’s Kach-Katsuki?” They’re not kids, they haven’t been friends in a long time. Call him by his name. Don’t sugarcoat the present with memories of the past.
“Bakugou is upstairs with Kirishima. He stormed off after you fainted.” Izuku predicted such but it still hurts. It hurts to know that Katsuki thought of him as nothing more than dirt beneath his feet. A smear on his reputation.
“I’m going to talk to him.” Izuku stands. Ground Beta was Katsuki’s fight. He fought with sharp moves and violent bursts. This is Izuku’s fight and he’s going to do it on his terms.
“Are you sure?” His friends rush after him as he stalks forward. The rest of the class stares as he makes his way towards the elevators.
“I don’t think I’ve been surer in my entire life.”
With each lurch of the elevator, Izuku feels his determination solidify.
He knocks on Katsuki’s door. He hears movement and then a ragged voice, raw from crying or the closest Bakugou equivalent, “Go away, Pinky! I told you I don’t regret a thing-”
Midoriya opens the door, meeting Bakugou’s eyes. Whatever Katsuki was going to say dies in his throat. Bakugou’s sitting on his bed, eyes bloodshot, his face and hair a mess. Kirishima is hovering near the blond, close enough to provide comfort but far enough to not anger him further.
“Katsuki.”
“Deku.” The voice is harsh and yet it doesn’t hold the familiar sting. They’re both tired.
“My name is Izuku.”
“Your hero name-”
“I’m not saving you, am I?”
They stare tensely at each other for a few seconds before Katsuki flinches away. “Tch, give it a rest, Nerd. You win.” It sure doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like Izuku’s won, it just feels like he’s been given a chance to stop losing.
“Midoriya.” He turns to look at Kirishima.
“I’m so sorry,” the red-haired boy says.
Izuku blinks, feeling an unknown emotion wash over him. “What?”
“I’m sorry.” He reaches a hand to place on Izuku’s shoulder then thinks better of it. “I misjudged your relationship with Katsuki. I… in the locker rooms… I said some stuff that I-”
“Kirishima.” The boy looks up guiltily.
Izuku lets a small smile slip through. “Kirishima, it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it.” You aren’t like Katsuki’s old lackeys. You don’t have to worry. Sure, Izuku still is ambivalent about him but Midoriya knows. He knows that Kirishima’s a good person.
Is that why Katsuki chose him? Because Kirishima’s better than Izuku could ever be?
Izuku shakes his head. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t need to be Katsuki’s friend.
“I’m going to head down, okay?” Kirishima looks between the two of them, his eyes lingering on Bakugou before the blond nods. “If you need me, just call.”
“So what now?” Bakugou asks. “Are you going to kick me out of the course?” His ex-friend turned bully isn’t angry, just… melancholy? No, that’s not the right word. Not at all.
“I don’t know. Maybe. You deserve it.”
“Okay.”
“You’ve got to answer to Aizawa, too. I don’t know what he’ll do.” Katsuki doesn’t respond.
After a moment, Izuku speaks up. “You’ve… gotten better, but…” But it’s too little, far too late. They both know that. Izuku’s outburst isn’t because he slept on the wrong side of the bed, it’s been building from a thousand bad days. Bad days that Katsuki Bakugou caused.
“I don’t need your pity, Deku.” The boy looks up and suddenly anger takes hold of Izuku.
“What’s your problem? I’m doing this for your sake!” he yells.
“Really?” Katsuki scoffs. “Maybe you can’t get over the fact that you will always be a-”
“Say it!” Izuku glares at him. “Call me worthless like you always do-”
“Why do you have to ruin everything, Deku?” the boy retorts. “If you just stayed silent-”
“Like I did in middle school?” Izuku hates this. He hates how fast the conversation is moving, words flowing out of his mouth before he has time to think about them. He can’t stop, can’t control anything. Everything Katsuki says seems to provoke him. This is Izuku’s battle yet he’s still on defense.
“You-” Katsuki stands. The familiar pop of nitroglycerin sounds off like a warning. Each pop is like a bullet ricocheting through Izuku’s mind.
“It’s my past, too!” The words are torn from his throat, scraped out from his heart, still covered in blood.
“It’s my past! Why can’t I talk about it? Why am I at fault for your mistakes?” The door slams open.
“I’m not going to sterilize our past! I’m not your protector, Katsuki! I’m not your hero-”
“I know!” Bakugou yells. “I know that! I know that I messed up! I know what I did was bad!”
After the storm, the world is silent. In space, every collision seems big until you realize the universe is infinite. Izuku once thought he and Kacchan would be like that as well. Tip-toeing around each other, hiding their past for eternity until even they forgot.
But eternity is too long of a time and Izuku’s patience has shattered.
He feels the eyes of their friends and classmates on them as they crowd the doorway. No one dares to speak. Izuku’s shaky exhales and Katsuki’s ragged pants are the only sounds.
“We both know I’m getting better!” Bakugou’s voice is raw and breaking. “Why did you have to tell?” It’s a desperate statement of someone who’s lost everything they hold dear. Or at least, Izuku thinks that’s what it would feel like to lose everything. He was never allowed to have anything in the first place. He wouldn’t know.
“I might’ve done it, you know,” Izuku says finally. “You hurt me so much, I was desperate for an out. The roof was quiet. I thought about it.”
You’ve been allowed to get better, I haven’t.
They stare at each other for a long time, ignoring their classmates’ gasps at Izuku’s confession. It’s funny how things end up. Katsuki Bakugou hunched over his bed, head craning up to look at Izuku Midoriya. Izuku wonders if he sees a star or a black hole when he looks at Izuku.
Izuku pushes past his stunned peers. He pauses at the doorway, letting his statement hang in the air. “No one wants to move on more than I do.”
Katsuki Bakugou sits there in his dorm room. His very own dorm room, his comfort. His private space. A respite. It will never be the same ever again. Even if he isn’t kicked out, he won’t be able to live in this dorm without remembering Izuku’s leaving figure. Without remembering his glaring classmates flood into the empty spaces.
The dust, the dust under his feet has materialized into a holy punisher, taking all that Katsuki worked for with him as ransom. A thousand words pile up into his throat, unable to get out. For Katsuki is nothing if not prideful.
He should apologize, he should beg. He should fight for his future. But he can’t, he can’t do anything but stare at the place Izuku stood.
It’s the end. No matter what, Katsuki will become a hero. It’s in his blood. But Katsuki will never feel like a hero ever again.
And in that moment, the star finally understood what it was like to fall.