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You hesitate. Without conscious thought, your ears strain, searching for any sound. But Hanako is very good at being quiet when she wants to – invisible, overlooked, not quite there – so you'll have to trust in her. You gingerly lean the cane against the wall, bringing your fist up.
You knock.
More silence. And then -
The door opens just a little. “Lilly...?”
Her voice sounds quiet and hurt. Your heart clenches, but you know deep down that if Hanako feels she can show her sadness to you, it's not as bad as it could be. It took months for you to reach this state, and you don't ever want to go back to the time when Hanako would be a blank slate and nothing more.
You do your best to smile – it's hard, but you've always been good at this. “Hello, Hanako. May I come in?”
Hanako pauses, but then steps back, opening the door completely. You reach for your cane and suddenly Hanako takes your bag, leaving your hands free. You smile - “Thank you.” Hanako murmurs something in response, retreating further into the room.
Maybe this was a bad idea. This room is hers, with all that entails – memories and lack of memories and solitude. But you thought she would be more comfortable here where she's familiar. It's a hard situation to navigate – Hanako prefers the familiar in theory, but in practice, little that she is familiar with is good to her. Next time, you'll take her to your room. It will be new at first, but you'll create a new nostalgia. A better one.
You walk slowly – you haven't yet been here often enough to know the floorplan by heart. But Hanako, as ever, is helpful without being condescending and walks over to the seat, patting the space beside her quietly.
“Shall I put the tea on?”
Hanako stands up suddenly. “Sorry! Just – Um...I have a k-kettle here somewhere...”
No teapot? Shame. Maybe the two of you should go shopping sometime?
You sit down and Hanako puts the kettle on. It feels strange to let her do the work – in the tearoom, you are always the one to set everything up. But Hanako is, in a way, the host, even if you were the one to suggest this whole thing, and you don't know where everything is, so you would need her help anyway. Still, it bothers you just a little – this is Hanako's birthday, and you should be the one taking care of her, especially in her present state.
Your hands tense a little in your lap. Yes, Hanako's birthday. You don't know. You have no idea. Months ago Hanako told you, haltingly and softly, about her past – a fire, parents dead, nothing more. But even if this makes you closer to her than anyone else in this school – anyone else in the world? - you're still so new to each other and Hanako is, as always, a mystery. Even her appearance is blurry to you, a shifting shape without definite form, and while you understand fully Hanako's reluctance to let you touch her face, you wish there was something you could do. You want to know this girl, know her entirely, but it's slow going. You're patient. You can wait. But that doesn't mean you'll enjoy it.
Hanako had never suggested that there would be any problem with celebrating her birthday. When you brought it up a few days ago, she'd been oddly silent, and you'd been on guard, but what else could you do?
You'd never felt so hopeless as when, two days ago, you came to her door, presents in hand, asking for her cheerfully, and received no reply. Not even a voice telling you to go away. Nothing at all.
Hanako flutters back and forth, getting the tea ready. She's better now, clearly, and is radiating vibes of Please Do Not Talk About It. But how can't you? Hanako is so hurt, and you want to know why, to understand, but... how can you talk about it? What can you say?
Finally, Hanako sets the tea on the table in front of you, holding it down until you touch it and thread your fingers through the holder. In silence, you wait as she retrieves her own cup, settling down beside you.
“I have presents,” you say redundantly, wondering where she put the bag. Hanako jumps up again all of a sudden to get it, resting it between you.
“Um, yes...”
You smile. “Well? They are for you.”
Hanako doesn't move. “A-all of them...?”
You wince. Well...perhaps you did go overboard just a tad. But you have the ability to give things to Hanako that could make her happy, so why not make use of it?
“All for you, Hanako.”
Hanako pauses again. Everything she does and says is measured, thought out, quietly evaluated. Even simple conversations are slow going, even frustrating at times. But the tea is hot and you breathe calmly. Everyone has their own pace, and this is Hanako's.
“Th-thank you,” she whispers, and a lump forms in your throat. You smile, nodding, encouraging.
Hanako reaches into the bag, taking out one of the wrapped shapes. Akira helped you pick something appropriate; she specifically took time off work to come down on Hanako's birthday, but when you told her the news, she had only sounded sad.
The paper pulls away. Hanako is careful, trying not to rip it. Eventually, she stops.
“A d-doll,” she clarifies, voice thick.
You nod lightly. “A porcelean doll. Akira helped me pick it out – I hope it's appropriate?”
“Yes,” she whispers. Soft sounds – Hanako is touching over the doll, feeling its hair and clothing.
She's taking her time. You thought she would thank you happily and move on, working her way through the presents...but still she lingers, and you can feel yourself tensing in anticipation. What does she think? Does she...?
“It's beautiful,” she says, so softly that it is little more than a breath.
You smile. “You're welcome.”
“Th-thank you,” she says, and stops moving entirely. And then – a hand on your arm.
Something big and heavy rises up in you. Your skin tingles, the thing in your throat bigger and bigger. You move into her touch and then reach forward, feeling for her side; Hanako flinches, but then moves forward as well. Your hands wind around her back, hugging her closely. But while tentative, your pull is firm, until Hanako is pressed to you, clutching just as tightly to the back of your shirt.
You've never held her so close before. She leans against you now and then, and allows you to hold onto her arm while you walk, but this – your hands trail over her shoulders, the back of her head.
Slowly, Hanako takes form.
Hanako buries her head into your shoulder. One arm is still around the doll, pressed up between you and digging awkwardly into the two of you. You pat her hair carefully, feeling its silky softness.
“Hanako...” you murmur, your own voice just as broken as Hanako's was just before. Hanako just nods against you, hand finding a better grip on the back of your shirt.
Sometimes... Sometimes you don't quite know what to do. You have experience with people, even particularly shy young ones – in middle school, you often went out of your way to help your juniors when they seemed to need it. But Hanako is something else altogether, special and unique and you have no idea how to deal with her. You feel like you're running on a treadmill sometimes, trying so hard (so hard) but making no progress at all, and then something like this happens and -
...you don't quite know what to do. Hanako is different to anyone else, and the feelings you have for her are... You shake your head. Everything about her is different. But sometimes, you...wonder. You've been the subject of it before, of course – it was an all-girls' school, that sort of thing happens sometimes when young girls aren't too sure of themselves – but never the object, and you aren't now, either, but...
You don't want to kiss Hanako. But you just feel so strongly right now, like you could burst, and Hanako is making sniffing sounds and giggling, and you just want to – you don't even know. You have no idea how to communicate to her the feelings you have inside, and not just because Hanako always requires a delicate touch. You try so hard to help her to open up, but whenever she does there's another wall there, something Hanako doesn't even seem to be aware of.
You hug her more tightly, letting out a reserved chuckle. Hanako lets out something bubbly and squeaky and you just -
...and then, reluctantly, Hanako pulls away. You let her immediately – you can't just sit here hugging all night. But Hanako stays close to you, doll on her lap by your hand.
“Th-thank you,” she whispers.
You smile.
*
19 months later
*
“Morning, Hisao.”
Hisao practically falls into his seat, grunting something unintelligible in reply. You grimace in sympathy, twirling at a slice of sausage. For months you had complained about Hisao's dreadful tendency to be eternally cheerful even very early in the morning, but now that this spirit has disappeared you find yourself self-consciously regretting those fruitless wishes you had made.
“Tough night?”
“Always.” Then, hastily: “Er, not that it's that bad! But I was almost finished and then I realised I'd made a mistake and had to rewrite the whole thing... And then I had my own schoolwork to work on afterwards...”
“I'm sure your student will appreciate your efforts.”
“She'd better,” Hisao grumbles, and you smother a giggle, biting into a piece of egg.
“I talked to Akira last night.”
“Oh, yeah?” Hisao says through a full mouth and you wince at the unattractive sound. “Sorry. So she has something?”
You nod. “Obviously we'll have to have a look. But she's tracked down a couple of very nice looking apartments. And, yes, they're affordable.”
“Really?” Hisao says in obvious relief, bones cracking as he stretches. “Wow, that's pretty awesome of her. It can't be easy to find good two-bedrooms in this economy.”
Your fork pauses over another slice of sausage. “Pardon?”
“Huh?”
Bemused, awkward silence.
You cough. “Oh. Um, actually, I had Akira looking for one-bedroom apartments.”
“Oh.” You continue to eat, but Hisao doesn't seem to move. “But...right.”
All of a sudden, everything feels a little weird. “I didn't assume wrongly, did I?”
“No, no,” Hisao says quickly, but then admits, “well okay, I had expected Hanako would come with us, but... well. I guess it does make sense.”
“Yes. It will be hard, but in the end it will be better for her.”
Hisao sighs, leaning on the table. “I guess so. Man, it will be hard, though.”
“Hanako has grown a lot over the last year. And she's managed without me before.”
“I wasn't just talking about Hanako.”
You rest your knife and fork on the plate, licking your lips.
“I'm...trying not to think about it.”
Hisao touches your hand and you take it.
“It's amazing how quickly we've all gotten used to this, huh? Maybe that's normal, though – I never thought I'd get used to going to Yamaku so quickly.”
“Yes.” For a few moments, emotions overtake you, but you shake them away. “Yes.”
Hisao pauses. “Are you sure you're okay with this?”
You nod. “It's what's best for Hanako.”
You return to your breakfasts. When Hanako appears, she nervously tolerates the unusual silence, but doesn't break it.
*
“Check.”
“She's got you there.”
You wince. “Thank you for that input, Hisao.”
“Any time,” he says, and Hanako giggles. You frown, feeling the board – oh, her bishop. You had totally forgotten about it. You curse your memory, searching for an escape route.
Hisao's chair creaks. “Who'd have thought chess matches could be so interesting, even if you're not actually playing?”
“W-well, it is a game of strategy... And, um.” Hanako hesitates, and you both wait. “...if you're not playing, then you're not at risk of being b-beaten by me.”
Hisao laughs. “That's true. Plus I get to watch Lilly being beaten as well. There's something very schadenfreude about it.”
You nod, finally finding your move and moving your castle to block Hanako's bishop. “Yes. It will be a shame when we'll be unable to meet like this so often.”
You finish moving, but Hanako stays still. “What do you mean?”
You choose your words carefully. You had been waiting for an opportunity, after all. “When Hisao and I move out.”
Hanako still isn't moving. This isn't a good sign. You resist the urge to gesture to Hisao for help – while you might dearly wish to know Hanako's facial expression right now, sensitivity is needed. Even more so than usual.
“What?”
The room suddenly grows cold. You had expected confusion, perhaps some sadness, but overall a depressed, awful acceptance. You had not expected anger.
“I'm sorry, Hanako-”
“Why? I th-thought -” Hanako swallows audibly, the tears in her voice in no way taking away from her clear fury. “I th-thought we would live t-together!”
“I'm sorry.” You try to project a calm expression to hide the tempest in your heart. “But it must happen eventually, Hanako. You know that.”
“No. I don't know.” Suddenly she stands up, storming quickly out of the room and down the hallway.
You avoid Hisao's gaze, closing your eyes. “That...did not go as well as I hoped,” you say with a wry, distorted smile.
Hisao is quiet. “...is it really necessary?”
“Yes. We cannot keep treating her like a child. She has her own life, her own friends. She can do it.”
“But if she doesn't want...”
“People do not always know what they want, or what is best for them.” You reach for your tea, the heat familiar. “She will come around.”
You sit in uneasy silence until the bell rings.
*
For days there is a tension that you haven't ever felt before. When Hisao had first begun talking to you and Hanako, she had been noticeably withdrawn and much more quiet than usual, but she had still trusted you, at least. Now she is avoiding you completely – not only that, making it impossible for you to find her either by deliberately avoiding the places she normally stays at.
The third day, as you sit side by side reading in your bedroom, Hisao suddenly wraps an arm around your shoulders and squeezes.
“Hisao?”
“Hanako's fine. She's talked to me a few times – seems hurt, and I think she does blame me as well. But at least we know, right?”
You raise an eyebrow and he shrugs.
“You were zoning out. And I know you're worried about her.”
You sigh, closing your book using your finger to keep your place. “She's not too upset?”
“A bit. But I think she's handling it a lot better now than she would have a year ago.”
You force a smile. “Thanks to you.”
He squeezes your shoulder again. “And you didn't help? Besides, if Hanako hadn't met you first, I never would have been able to become her friend at all. She needs you just as much as she needs me.”
You clench your fists. “She shouldn't-” You shake your head, changing tact. “Where is she going?”
“She's hanging out with the newspaper club a bit more. Other than that, she's going out into the grounds to read. Go far enough and it's still nice and solitary. And she's still going to class.”
You turn your head to your lap, running your thumb over the title of your book. Many words come to mind, but you can't think of what to say.
Eventually, Hisao speaks quietly. “Is all this...really necessary? Maybe it's not so bad to-”
“No,” you say firmly. “Eventually we'll have to separate. There's no use delaying that. Hanako can handle it. I know she can.”
Hisao eventually murmurs in acknowledgment, if not agreement, and once again the matter is dropped.
*
A few days later – a full week since your suggestion – Hanako confronts you walking back to your dormitory. She doesn't speak, but you recognise her tread better than almost anyone's. Her steps are quick and firm. As always, her shape is a mere outline – vague and growing vaguer.
You clutch your cane tightly. “Hello.”
She remains quiet, and you wince mentally at her stubbornness before realising the problem.
“Should we retire to my room?”
Hanako mumbles in agreement, and slowly you walk.
By the time you walk through the door, Hanako is trailing behind, avoiding you to sit down in front of the table, opposite your bed. You sit down and wait.
Finally, she speaks. “Why?”
You swallow, folding your hands over your lap. “I understand that this must be difficult. But you have progressed so much over the time we've known each other-”
“So that's what I am to you? Just – some kid in need of healing? A project?” Hanako demands, pitch rising.
“Of course not!” You almost get up but restrain yourself; your stomach feels sick. You worried she might think this way, but the very idea of Hanako believing you see her that way... It's terrible. “You are a wonderful, strong person, Hanako. I meant what I said when I left for Scotland, and I still do. I care about you so much.”
“But you d-don't want to live with me?”
You bow your head. “That's not it.”
“Th-then there's no room?”
You shake your head. You both know that, if you wanted to, you have more than enough money to buy even a whole house.
“Hanako...” You pause, choosing your words. “Someday you'll find someone close to you. Someone like Hisao is to me. Then...”
“So I'm not...close to you?”
“That's not the same thing.”
“Isn't it?” Hanako says sharply. “Why isn't it?”
You frown, pursing your lips. “You know what I mean.”
“No. I don't. T-tell me.”
You shake your head, hair tossing around. “My relationship with Hisao is different to you.”
“Stronger.”
“No.” You feel the onset of a headache. God, this is even harder than you thought it would be. “Just – different.”
“B-but why...” Hanako stumbles. “Why is it...acceptable to be with H-Hisao all the time, b-but not me?” Her voice is thick and your heart hurts.
You open your mouth but then close it again. “I don't know,” you say honestly. “But...that's the way it is. Friends just...don't do that.”
Hanako is silent. Her breathing is heavy; she's clearly crying. Finally, she mumbles, “You don't understand.”
“Of course I underst-”
“No! You don't! You – I-” Hanako sniffs loudly. “I don't – I – I -”
“Please,” you say plaintively, but Hanako suddenly stands up.
“I'vegottagodosomething-”
With that, she dashes from the room.
You listen for her for half an hour, but she doesn't return.
*
“Do you think Hanako is beautiful?”
Hisao stops moving. He rolls over to look at you properly. “What?”
“Hanako. Do you find her...attractive? I'm not speaking from jealousy.”
“...uh. Okay...” Hisao scratches his head. “Well, those are different questions, though, aren't they? Yeah, she's beautiful. Of course she is. But that doesn't mean I'm attracted to her.”
Despite yourself, you relax a little. “Hm.”
Hisao leans into you again and you wrap an arm around him. “So tell me why you're asking if not jealousy?”
You shake your head. “It's nothing.”
Hisao kisses your cheek. “You know I love you most of all.”
You smile and return the compliment, but there's an oddness to it. Events keep flying back to you in your memory – your talk with Hanako after you told her about you and Hisao's relationship; your talk with Hanako recently; even, maybe, just a little bit, Hanako's birthday last year. It doesn't make sense. But what?
You love Hisao. You really, really do.
*
You pace nervously back and forth, trying to keep your movements slow. Self-consciously you trace your fingers over the spines of the nearby books, paying no attention to the actual words. If you could just walk a little further... If you could just cross to the next shelf...
“Oh, hey, Lilly!”
You jump. “Hello, Yuuko.”
“Are you looking for more books? I don't think I have any more in...Huh. I had no idea you were interested in military history!”
You wince. Right, yes, that's where you are right now, isn't it? “Hisao's been reading on it lately and I wanted to try to, um, share his interest,” you lie.
“That sounds beautiful,” Yuuko says with a startling amount of emotion. “You know, sharing interests is one of the best things about being in a relationship!”
You nod. “I fully agree.”
“Oh no -” Yuuko says suddenly. “I'd better-” she leaves hastily, and in the distance you hear her apologise profusely to a bemused student attempting to borrow a book.
You slump. You didn't think you'd manage it. Gloomily, you choose a book at random, taking it to the table by the window you like to sit at sometimes.
Who knew it would be so hard? Even now, you aren't sure the library carries any books in braille on the subject. You could try a computer, maybe, but they're just so... hard.
You open the book and rest your fingers over the page but you make no attempt to move them. What are you doing? You should really go find Hisao or Hanako – she's stopped avoiding you recently, though her earlier anger has been replaced by an even more worrying quiet blankness that reminds you all too vividly of that first time you came to Hanako's room for her birthday over a year ago. Out of everything, the last thing you want is for Hanako to close herself off to you even more than she already has, undoing all those years of built-up friendship. And yet...
“Hey, Lilly! How are you going?”
You jump, but there's only one person that voice could belong to. You force a smile. “Hello, Misha.”
“Hmmm. Are you feeling okay? You look kinda sad!”
Your smile cracks. If even Misha can tell you aren't at your best you really must look terrible. But first things first...
“Just a cold. What brings you here today?”
“Shicchan asked me to bring her back some records. They're pretty hard to find, though!”
“I thought council records were all stored in the council room?”
“Yeah, but we ran out of space in the cabinets earlier this year so we had to move some of them out. Totally forgot where they are though, wahaha~!” To your mild horror, she slides into the chair in front of you, resting her elbows on the table. “So how are you?”
You shake your head. “As I said, I have a cold, but it's nothing serious.”
“Oh.” And then, in an oddly meek sort of voice, “Are you sure? If something's wrong you could tell me about it!”
No. No, no, this is a terrible idea. Out of everyone you could think to tell this to – Misha, loud Misha, who cannot keep a secret or take anything seriously ever...
Okay, Shizune would still be worse. You've been getting along better in the last few months, but – no.
But...who else do you have? You always liked the system you had going, with a nice combination of close and distant friends. Two close friends, for you, was enough, and then a friend and a boyfriend. That's all you need, most of the time. But now Hisao and Hanako are both too central to the issue...
You frown. You don't really have a choice, do you?
“I'm...worried. About Hanako.”
“Aww, really?” Misha whines sadly. “But I thought she was doing so well! In the newspaper club and everything!”
“Me, too.” You wish you had a cup of tea on hand – it would be nicely warm and familiar, at least. “Though my concern is a little more...specific.”
“Like what?”
“Hisao and I have been looking for an apartment together. I thought it would be best if Hanako lived on her own, but she is...resisting.”
“What? Why?”
You snort. Why doesn't anyone understand you? “Because we can't keep living all together like this forever. It would just delay the inevitable. Hanako doesn't need this – she's become her own person, made her own friends. Or I thought, anyway.”
Misha's voice is growing even quieter. “Oh. Is that really true?”
“Yes. Sometimes...” You shake your head. “I...I always wanted to do what was best for her – be there for her when she was in trouble, but never encourage her problems, if that makes sense? The last thing I ever wanted was to make everything worse... but maybe I have. Sometimes I think...she depends on me too much.”
“...what's too much?”
“She needs her own life. Hisao and I – we're in a relationship! Someday Hanako will have that, too, but-” you cut yourself off.
Misha is quiet.
Eventually, she speaks. “So...you think she cares about you too much? More than you do?”
Your fingers tense over the book and you swallow. “No....no. Not more than me.”
“Then...I don't really get the problem! Why can't you all just stay together?”
“Because...she needs more than me!”
“Why? You and Hisao are happy together, right? Why can't you and Hanako be, too!”
“Because this is different!” And yet you're certain even Misha notices the unspoken coda: or so I hope.
“Well...people are different.” She scratches herself, her voice low and quiet. A memory flickers – in the student council years ago, after you had joined, Misha had sometimes gotten that inflection in her voice. Only briefly, and only rarely, so you worried about it at the time but ultimately forgot about it. But all of a sudden you find yourself wondering. Maybe Misha is more experienced with people pretending to be happy than you thought.
Oh, Misha.
“And...sometimes, weird relationships are okay, you know? Because people can be all kinds of different ways! And sometimes, a weird thing is what makes them happy? So...I really think you guys should try to stay together! For as long as you can! Because you care about each other so much, and that...doesn't happen very often.”
You close your eyes. It...it makes sense. You nod.
“And, well...you keep talking about Hanako! But what do you want?”
You chuckle once, wryly, but suddenly your eyes grow liquid. “I don't ever want to part with her. Or Hisao. Or – or them to each other. Ever.” You shake your head. “I...I truly love them both.”
“Then that's good, isn't it? Love is always a great thing, right?”
You smile, just a little. “Yes.”
“So...yeah.” You realise suddenly that Misha's voice is heavy – is she also-
“So yeah! Council papers...guess I'd better find that cabinet then, wahaha...” Misha pushes her seat back loudly and stands up, voice jerky and too high.
You begin to say something but stop. “Yes. I'm not sure where it is, but probably Yuuko could help?”
“Oh, yeah! I never even thought about that!” Misha declares. “Well, thanks for the help then, Lilly!”
“You, too.”
And with that, she's off.
*
It takes a while. You think and you think, as much as you can. You bury yourself in representative work (to the extent that Shizune actually praises you, if grudgingly) and take a leaf from Hanako's book, spending more time outdoors appreciating the cool breeze and beautiful birdsongs.
Hisao asks once or twice, concern evident, but you assure him you're fine. Hanako seems grateful for your absence, as much as it hurts you to admit. But they can take care of each other. You hear them together, now and then – talking and laughing and playing chess. There are things Hanako says, ways she say things, that you never hear normally, which hurts you too until you realise that there are things she says only to you, too.
After time, you make your decision.
*
Hanako and Hisao are together in his room, drinking tea. (Still from a kettle. Honestly, Hisao is doing this to you deliberately by now.) At your hesitation, Hisao seems to read you instantly, as usual.
“Well, I should probably go now, then. I promised Shizune I'd help her with the festival and I'm running late as it is. I'll be back soon...probably.”
“Oh – sh-should we-”
“No, it's fine. I trust you guys,” he says with a hint of laughter in his voice.
As he passes you, he whispers just loud enough for you to hear, 'good luck.'
The door closes.
“...should I sit down?”
Hanako is silent. It's frustrating at times – you're good at reading sounds and atmospheres but there are times when you just need feedback, some kind of definitive sign of what Hanako feels. There are always barriers with Hanako, and while it makes it that much more satisfying when you can catch glimpses of the real girl – woman – underneath, seeing those barriers set up all over again is impossibly disheartening.
“...Hanako.” You step forward to sit opposite her at the table, clasping your hands tensely over your lap. “I'd...like to apologise.”
Hanako is still silent.
“I told you months ago that I knew what a strong, wonderful person you are, and I told you again recently that I still believe that. This is true, but I have not always treated you the way I should. I've been making decisions for you as though I have the right, but I don't.” You straighten. “Hanako...what do you want?”
Hanako's cup of tea scrapes softly over the table. Quietly, Hanako sips, then places the cup down again. Long seconds pass before she speaks.
“What I...w-want?”
“Yes.”
“I...” She sighs. “I d-don't...know. I want to b-be with you, Lilly. A-always. You mean s-so much to me. I don't want to consider us just f-friends. I didn't think we were...”
You breathe in and out smoothly and straighten your skirt. “So you feel towards me...romantically?”
Tiny sounds – Hanako is fidgeting, hands going to her scars, her hair, her sleeves. “I don't...know? I'm n-not really...u-used to all this...”
“You told me a few months ago that you felt that way towards Hisao. Was that true?”
“Y-...n-... Hanako's breathing is growing more deep and you wish you could help, but this is something you need to hear from her. “Y-yes...but. It's n-not...the way romances seem l-like they're m-meant to be?”
What? You pause. “What do you mean?”
A quiet scratching sound. Now Hanako is...embarrassed?
“U-um... I don't really...um.” She coughs, quietly. “I'm just...happy to b-be with him. And y-you. And have fun and talk and do things and – and h-hug. That's all I want.”
“Is that...romance?”
“Yes!” Hanako says, surprisingly vehemently. “I...I d-don't have much, um, in general, with... But I l-looked it up? And you can! Have, um, a r-romance like that. A-and I think...I do.”
“...I see.” It's strange to think about. If sex isn't involved, wouldn't that just make it a platonic relationship? If you removed sex from your relationship with Hisao, the feelings would be quite similar to your feelings for Hanako. But maybe that isn't the best test. Maybe – how does your friendship with Hanako compare to your relationship with Akira?
...they're very different indeed.
“And that's the way I f-feel about you,” Hanako continues, voice softening once more. “I'm... s-sorry if it's... a b-bother to you.”
“...no.” You shake your head. “No...you could never be a bother to me.” You try to sort through your thoughts, but when you step back and ask yourself one question, the answer is simple.
Everything you've been through with her... All those times you felt so strongly for her, but couldn't put it into words, couldn't quite explain how...
“And...I think...I feel the same way.”
A pause, then a sharp intake of breath.
“...yes. Definitely. I...”
Hanako stands up, walking around to your side of the table. She sits directly in front of you, knees to yours, your breath comingling.
“I...l-love you.”
She sounds so...so hopeful, so sincere. Your heart swells and you can only smile.
“I love you, too, Hanako.”
Her hands travel to your arms and then you're hugging again, just as you did for the first time at Hanako's birthday those years ago, and just as you've done many times since. It's wonderful as ever – Hanako real and breathing and live in your arms, warm and comfortable and her.
But then you break apart, head turned away from her. “But Hanako...what about Hisao...?”
“...oh! Um...I...” Hanako shifts back nervously, taking your distance as though it were a rejection. “I...already told him...about m-most of this...”
“...what?”
“Mmhm! Er...sorry, if that...”
“No...” You shake your head. Hisao knows? Then, that 'good luck'...
“I...we, um, talked about it. And I d-don't want to get in your way! Ever! You're so g-great together, but... I wanted... to tell you? And... And he said, um, that he understood, and felt the s-same, and thought you did, too, and, um...yes.”
My. This day is certainly one for revelations. But once more, while the facts seem strange at first, when you try to fit them to what you know...it fits.
“So. What do we do in this case, then?”
“W-well...if you don't mind...s-since, um, we all feel the same...why don't we all stay together?”
“All of us? The three of us?”
“Y-yes.”
You sit back. But...relationships like that never work, do they? Jealousy always gets into the way. And you don't want to hold Hanako back – if she's capable of feeling a love like that between you and Hisao, you should let her, right? It's a nice idea, but...
...but. You want to. And Hanako and Hisao have already decided, haven't they? They're not stupid. You trust their judgment.
...and you really, really want to.
“Okay.” You nod, tentatively taking Hanako's hand again. “Yes.”
A pause, then - “Really?!” Hanako grabs onto your hand tightly, the ball of tightly-wound energy she keeps deep within her expanding outwards. You can't help but smile, squeezing her hand back.
“I'm so happy... Lilly-”
But then her grip loosens and she draws your hand upwards. Before you can wonder, she has drawn it forward, and pressed it hesitantly against her cheek.
You gasp quietly. “Are...you sure?”
Hanako nods against your hand. “Yes,” she murmurs from reflex.
You close your eyes. When you first met, of course, the day Hanako came to your room, you had no idea about her scars at all. It wasn't your business to ask about such things, especially considering how shy and scared Hanako was at the time. You might not have found out so quickly at all if Shizune had not told you after you brought Hanako up during a frosty but contained meeting one day early on. At the time you'd thought it part of Shizune's signature bluntness (your ill-will exaggerated since, after all, this had been quite soon after your rather dramatic departure from the student council), but in retrospect... Would you have asked to feel Hanako's face? Eventually, yes. Perhaps she was saving the both of you an unwelcome surprise. You would have found out eventually, of course, but...
Hanako's skin is soft. This is her left-hand side, which must be her smooth one. Tentatively, slowly, you feel, brushing over her skin. This isn't like anything you've ever done before. Normally, it's quick, methodical. With Hanako you linger slowly, taking in the feeling of your skin touching as much as the shape of her face. Hisao was right – Hanako is beautiful.
Your pinkie brushes a hardened edge and you flinch.
“It doesn't hurt.”
Hesitantly, you probe it. It's stretched and veiny – Hanako mustn't have much flexibility in those areas. It feels odd, not skin-like at all. But you can feel the shape of her bones beneath, and the ends where burned and smooth skin touch. It is odd, but it isn't ugly. It's Hanako.
You move further downward to her neck; Hanako stifles a giggle, and the corners of your lips twitch. You'd be remembering that. Reaching her collarbone, you go to take your hands back, but Hanako takes them again, leading them to her shoulders.
She's wearing her school uniform, so you can't feel her skin anymore, but as your hands travel down her arms, feeling every muscle and bone, it doesn't seem to matter much. Maybe that's something you'd do someday? The thought is...strange, but not unappealing. You reach her hands, tracing down her fingers and over her tips and feeling her palms.
You want to know Hanako. It's what you've wanted most of all since the first day you met. Over time, she's opened up so much to you, but because of her scars, there has always been one simple thing you've only ever been able to guess about – what she looks like. Now, you want to know everything, and it seems Hanako does, too.
Finally, you finish, but you keep your hands clasped in Hanako's. She giggles quietly, once, then twice.
“I'm...s-so happy...”
You shuffle backwards to lean against the bed and guide Hanako to join you; she does immediately, resting her head on your shoulder while you wrap your arm around her securely.
You've never felt more comfortable.
*
After some time, Hisao returns.
“Shizune was awfully lenient.”
He stops in his tracks. It takes him a few seconds. “Oh, yeah. Well, she had Misha, so it's not like she really needed me, anyway.” You share a chuckle.
Hisao walks forward, taking in the two of you. “So everything's okay?”
Hanako nods. You relocated to the bed a little while ago for sheer practicality, but she's still curled up at your side and around you. “Yeah. Everything's okay.”
“I'm glad...”
You brush at Hanako's arm. “...can we really do this?”
Hisao meanders over to the bed, sitting on the edge. When he speaks, he sounds pensive. “It does sound kinda weird, doesn't it? But, well...I've heard weirder things.” He breathes. “I guess my life was never really meant to be all that normal in the first place. Honestly, I'm kind of going with it. It's not like the weirdest thing to ever happen to me turned out all that badly in the long run.”
“Sorry...”
“Don't apologise,” you and Hisao say simultaneously, and you all chuckle.
“I really want to do this,” Hisao says firmly. “I couldn't imagine going on from here without you. And I'm sure Lilly couldn't either.”
“I don't think I ever could have, since we both met,” you say, and Hanako cuddles just that little bit closer.
“So it's settled?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
Hisao shifts to sit on the bed and you and Hanako shuffle over. He lies down beside her, cuddling her as well. Hanako squeaks delightedly; another new sound you've never heard before, it seems. But when a hand touches yours and you take it – Hisao's – you realise that this isn't your sound or Hisao's. It belongs to both of you. The three of you. Together.
No. Now is the most comfortable you've ever been, or will ever be.