Work Text:
Ext. Bus lot - Day
SCOTT
We’re bringing you a new segment this week, hot off the presses—
JOSEF
Also known as Twitter. We took in some of your questions for a Q&A and they frankly weren’t great.
SCOTT
Yeah, step up the game, guys. Get it together.
JOSEF
But there was one good question, and we’re gonna make it a recurring segment on Bus Bros.
(looking over at Scott) Maybe we’ll add it to the end of Show Us Your Bus?
Scott gives the camera a thumbs up.
JOSEF
It’s the old classic (pauses) uh, for the sake of YouTube, I’m going to call it, Kiss, Marry, Kill, IndyCar edition. Scott, you wanna—
SCOTT
(deadpan)
Dixon.
JOSEF
Alright, I guess you do. (To Brian, behind the camera) I hadn’t even finished the question. (To Scott) Which one?
SCOTT
(bleep)
Josef unsuccessfully tries to restrain his laughter.
JOSEF
Why Dixon?
SCOTT
Childhood hero, mate. Had posters of him on my wall, right next to Delta Goodrem. Fifteen-year-old Scott would (bleep) himself if Dixie was (extended bleeping).
JOSEF
(to Brian)
You’re going to bleep all that, right?
SCOTT
Kill…you know what. No offense, but I’m gonna kill Alex Rossi.
JOSEF
(nodding)
I’m listening.
SCOTT
I just think he’d be the funniest person to have haunt you.
JOSEF
(through delighted laughter)
He would be be so annoying as a ghost.
SCOTT
He’d be so annoying as a ghost. He’d be so mad, like, all the time.
JOSEF
And marry?
SCOTT
I swear I’m not just saying this. I reckon…I reckon it’s probably you, Joey.
JOSEF
Aww.
BRIAN (off-screen)
Aww.
SCOTT
No, I'm serious. I’ve always wanted to… what do you call it when you add another name to the end of yours?
JOSEF
Oh, uh—hyphenate?
SCOTT
Hyphenate my name when I got married. I reckon McLaughlin-Newgarden has a proper good ring to it. It’s about as many syllables as you can get. I like it.
JOSEF
The graphics people will hate you.
SCOTT
Yeah, try fitting that on the timing screen. Your turn.
JOSEF
Kill (bleep).
Scott starts laughing so hard he can’t speak.
JOSEF
I’m so serious. I’ll do it right now. I’d—
CUT TO:
FADE IN OVER BLACK:
In order to ensure we are not banned from YouTube for violating Terms of Service, this segment has been edited. From Bus Bros Productions, we sincerely apologise for the inconvenience.
CUT TO:
SCOTT
Okay, who, on the current IndyCar grid, would you…
Scott makes a hand gesture that is blurred out on screen.
JOSEF
(thinking)
Current grid only?
SCOTT
Who do you want to pick?
JOSEF
Jimmie is pretty good looking, is all I’ll say.
SCOTT
He’s loaded, too.
JOSEF
Precisely. But if he’s off the table…You know, I’m gonna say Conor Daly.
Scott makes a face.
SCOTT
Really? (to camera) No offense, Conor, I know you’re watching.
JOSEF
Just, you know, a good, safe choice. Been there, done that, so no surprises.
SCOTT
(surprised laughter)
Alright bro, trying to one up me here.
JOSEF
Hey, you know how it is. When you’re a young man—
SCOTT
Exploring.
JOSEF
(nodding)
Exploring. Away from home, lonely—
SCOTT
What happens in England—
JOSEF
—stays in England, exactly.
SCOTT
Alright, so kill (bleep), (bleep) Conor, and marry?
JOSEF
See, you made it awkward. I was going to say Pagenaud.
SCOTT
(to camera)
Sucker for a French accent, this man.
JOSEF
Yeah, but I think the magic would wear off hearing it every day.
SCOTT
Kiwi accents on the other hand, never get old. Well-known fact.
JOSEF
Exactly. So I guess we’re getting married. You do look pretty good in a tuxedo.
Scott jumps up and elaborately fistpumps.
JOSEF
(laughing)
I don’t think Ashley was that excited when I said I wanted to marry her.
SCOTT
(sitting down again)
Not all of us are as cool as Ashley, alright. I bet Ashley had options.
JOSEF
Whereas you’re stuck with me. (To camera) Bus Bros, wedding edition, coming late 2023. Exclusive to YouTube.
SCOTT
Not a lot of time to plan a wedding, is it...
JOSEF
(grinning at Scott and leaning over to squeeze his shoulder)
Better get started, then.