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After Haven fell, the Inquisition found Skyhold, and soon it became a place of pilgrimage and hope for Thedas. Like all places on a pilgrim trail, the approach also became a place where bandits preyed upon the pilgrims. To keep travelers safe, the new Inquisitor Adaar and her companions set out to build checkpoints, base camps, and keep the roads safe.
It was after one such trip that Zarah found herself with her four advisors, in her new rooms, staring at… IT.
There really was no way to describe what she was looking at.
“Inquisitor,” Cullen began. “If you don’t mind, I… Well there isn’t much I can do here, and… I have paperwork. So, with your permission?” The rise in inflection at the end of his sentence was accompanied by an inching toward the door.
Zarah nodded. “Sure, Cullen go on. Save yourself. I authorize a full and complete retreat.”
She almost laughed when he bolted for the stairs. He had almost reached the door when she called out again. “When you get to safety, send a message to Dorian and Bull. I’m going to need reinforcements in here.”
“As you command,” he yelled as she slammed the door shut.
Josie sat on the sofa, and muttered, “Coward,” as the second door slammed.
Zarah skewered her ambassador with a look. “Shit no, Josie. He’s a man with a healthy sense of self preservation. If this weren’t my room, I’d be right behind him.”
There was a soft chuckle behind her as Leliana glided past. “I have things to do as well, Your Worship. If you’ll permit, I’ll leave you to…” Another laugh. “Your privacy.”
Laying a hand on the Spymaster’s shoulder, Zarah answered. “You will find out everything about this noble, and you will destroy him. Understood?”
Grinning, the Bard nodded. “Is this to be considered an act of War, Zarah?”
“If it’s nothing else, it’s an assault on good taste, and cannot be left unanswered. Can I count on you?”
“Absolutely,” said Leliana. “Leave it to me.”
Josie stood, and began following her best friend. She was stopped by the Inquisitor’s hand. “Oh, no Josie. I have to deal with this monstrosity, and you’re staying until the bloody end.”
“But, My Lady,” the Antivan started. “I have…”
“Nope.” The Tal Vashoth pointed to the yellow sofa near the stairs. “Backside on the sofa. You authorized this; you’re going to make sure I find a way to get that thing out of here.”
The door at the bottom of the stairs opened, and a Tevinter accented voice called up. “Dulce Mea, can I come up?” Dorian didn’t wait for an answer, and climbed the stairs, chattering all the while.
“Cullen ran into the rotunda and yelled that you needed me immediately. So, I dropped everything and… Dear Sweet Maker,” he said, stopping at the top of the stairs. “What is that thing? It’s…”
“Stunning, isn’t it?” Zarah deadpanned. Throwing a look over her shoulder, she motioned toward the Seeker, standing near the balcony, staring. “Poor Cassandra has been rendered mute. Cullen couldn’t get out of here fast enough, and Leili is off somewhere plotting revenge.”
Dorian moved closer to the bed, narrowing his eyes to get a better look. He circled one of the figures warily, looking at it up and down like he was expecting it to try and grab him. “Where did it come from? Or should I not ask? When we left, you had chosen a boring, yet quite serviceable bed from somewhere in the Free Marches. Did they send the wrong one?”
Putting her hand to her face, Zarah pinched the bridge of her nose. “Don’t I wish.” She took a long, slow inhale, then let the breath out again. “This homage to a Qunari Fetish is the gift of a noble; one Comte de Pervert…”
Josie moaned. “Please Inquisitor, it’s pronounced Pair-vair. Please try to remember.”
“Josephine Montilyet,” Zarah barked. “It’s a bed that’s shaped like two Qunari men pulling a vulva behind them. I don’t give a flying fuck how the Orlesians would pronounce it. Here and now, it’s pronounced pervert.”
Cassandra finally found her voice. “I thought that it was a vagina.”
Turning to face her friend, the Vashoth explained. “Vagina means sheath in Tevene. It’s the interior part; the vulva is the exterior.”
“Oh,” Cassandra nodded. “That makes sense.”
There was another moan from the direction of the sofa. “Your Worship if you could… Please stop using that word. I beg you…”
“It’s the correct name for a body part, Josie. I’m not going to use cute euphemisms because the proper words make you uncomfortable.”
The door opened and shut quickly, and Bull’s horns appeared above the banister before the rest of him did.
“Got a message from Cullen. He said you needed me and…” He stopped short as he rounded the corner and stared at the bed that dominated the room. “Holy fuck, Boss. That thing is ugly.”
“Thanks for stating the blindingly obvious.”
Bull took a tentative step forward. “Is that made of gold?”
That was Dorian’s cue. “Of course not,” he started, glad for the change of subject. “Gold is a soft metal; it wouldn’t have the strength to bear that much weight. Most likely wood that’s been gilded or plated.”
“Cullen also said you’d want this,” Bull commented, holding out a bottle. “I know why. That thing is disturbing.
“Thanks Bull.” Zarah took the bottle and pulled the cork out with her teeth. Spitting the cork into the fire, she took a long pull. “Whatever we pay Cullen, it’s not nearly enough.”
Dorian reached out to touch one of the Qunari pulling the bed. Zarah’s hand shot out and slapped it away before he could make contact.
“Don’t touch that!”
“Why on Thedas not, for goodness sake.” Dorian was offended. “It’s only a bed. It’s not going to attack… or blow up.”
“You’re right, Dorian,” Zarah explained slowly, as if to a toddler. “It’s a bed… With naked Qunari men pulling what looks like a vulva. It was once owned by an Orlesian Noble. Do you still think touching it is a good idea?”
Dorian pulled his hand back. “Surely they… cleaned it before they…
“Is this a new mattress, or…”
As one, four sets of eyes looked at the Ambassador. Josie was looking at her hands and had turned a little green. Slowly, raising her eyes, she looked at Zarah and slowly shrugged. She took another long pull from the bottle in her hand. “This isn’t going to be nearly enough booze to deal with this situation.”
Handing Dorian the bottle, she walked to the top of the stairs. Putting two fingers to her lips, she whistled loudly, and the door at the bottom opened revealing Dani, her faithful runner. “Yes, Inquisitor?” she asked.
“Can you go to the Rest and tell Cabot we need 2 bottles of whisky.” She looked at Bull who was shaking his head and holding up 3 fingers. “Make that 3 bottles… Not that crap he gives drunk patrons; I want the decent stuff.”
“Yes, Serrah… Anything else?”
She looked at Josephine, head in her hands and almost in tears, and took pity on the plight of her Ambassador. “I’ll need a bottle of Antivan Brandy as well.”
But… Not too much pity. This is a mistake that can’t happen again. “Also, Dani?” she called. The door popped open again. “Can you let Sera know that I’d like to see her, please?”
Josie’s head shot up to look at Zarah is despair. “Please, Inquisitor… Zarah… I’m begging… Not Sera. I’m certain that there isn’t anything she can do to…”
“She’s going to point and laugh, Josie.” Zarah grinned. “She’s going to bring this up at wildly inappropriate moments, and she’ll never let you live this down.”
Josie moaned, or was it a sob. Hard to tell with her head buried in her hands like that.
“She’s also a genius at causing diversions.”
Josie leapt to her feat. “Oh, Inquisitor… no! Anything but…”
“Yes,” Zarah stated simply. “Sera is our only chance of getting this out of here with no one noticing…”
“But…”
“Unless you want us to walk this out through the Great Hall?”
“Oh, Maker…” Josephine breathed, almost falling on the sofa with a plop.
The door opens, slamming against the wall, and again as it closes. “Oi!” Sera yelled, bounding up the stairs like an over excited druffalo. “I was visiting Widdle when… Andraste’s Peachy Kitty… What’s that?”