Chapter Text
It’s not like Taehyung wants to work on December 30th; it’s his birthday, so he should have taken a day off. But if he had, then he would have been left alone in his apartment for the whole day.
Staring at the message on his phone screen for the fifth time that afternoon, Taehyung lets out a sigh before sipping the straw of his orange juice. Dongwon, his boyfriend of 2 months, texted him last night that he wouldn’t be able to see him today.
“What is he doing today?” Jimin asks, frowning.
“Work.” Taehyung locks his phone and places it on the marbled tabletop in the company’s lounge. “He’s been visiting this construction site in Gangnam. Don’t know what it is though.”
“I don’t care if he’s a busy engineer, Tae. He should at least be with you on your birthday.” Jimin scowls.
“Yeah,” Taehyung agrees with a bitter chuckle, casting his eyes down. “I haven’t seen him for two weeks now.”
“Tae.” The crease between Jimin’s brows deepens as he looks at Taehyung with a worried expression. “Are you okay?”
Taehyung nods. “I’m not that emotionally attached to this relationship; I met him through a dating app and both of us decided to try it. I thought that things could work out between us.”
Taehyung has tried dating a few guys this year. Some are fine, some are assholes. But none of them turned into someone special for him. That’s just how it is. Dating is a gamble; it takes time to know another person and even if you finally did, there’s no assurance that both of you will fit each other.
“I’m jealous of you and Yoongi-hyung, Chim.” Taehyung pouts. “I wish I had something similar.”
At the mention of Yoongi’s name, a healthy blush bursts in Jimin’s cheeks and he licks his bottom lip before telling him, “Hyung and I have been together for 3 years. We have different personalities but we make it work. Yoongi-hyung’s not the type to verbalize his feelings but I can feel it through his actions.”
Taehyung hums. “Do you sometimes wish to hear him say I love you?”
“Yes, of course.” Jimin rests his chin on his palm, thinking. “But I think that’s fine. I don’t wanna be demanding and greedy.”
“You’re not, Jiminie. It’s natural to want affection from your lover.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jimin stirs the straw of his lemon iced tea. “He does say ‘I love you’ sometimes and right now, I’m satisfied with what we have. I don’t wanna ask more when hyung is already giving me too much. Having him is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Taehyung smiles at the lovestruck expression in his best friend’s eyes. He is happy for Jimin. The way he and Yoongi interact always makes Taehyung’s heart melt but at the same time, it sends a small twinge of jealousy to his heart.
Taehyung wants to have what Jimin and Yoongi have.
“I’m happy for you, soulmate,” Taehyung teases with a genuine smile and Jimin finds himself returning the gesture.
“Thanks, soulmate.” His best friend chuckles. “You’ll find the right one for you soon.”
“Excuse me?”
Taehyung and Jimin both turn around to look at the man standing behind them. “Yes?” Jimin says.
“I’m sorry but can you tell me where the Marketing Division is?” the man asks with a shy smile, one hand gripping the back of his neck.
“I can take you there. I’m from that department,” Taehyung answers him, looking at the portfolio tucked under the man’s armpit. “Are you a new employee?”
“Yes.” The man bows to him in greeting, his dark locks hanging over his round, doe-like eyes. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Jeon Jungkook.”
“Kim Taehyung.” Taehyung shakes his hand and Jimin does the same.
“Park Jimin from the Sales Division.”
Jungkook smiles at them. “I’m happy to meet my sunbaes. Please look after me.”
“Don’t be too formal,” Jimin teases him with a playful tap on his arm.
“Okay, let’s get you there before our boss marks you late.” Taehyung laughs and pats Jimin’s shoulder. “Call you later?”
“Sure.”
As he and the new guy exit the lounge and walk towards the elevators, Taehyung asks him, “Which team are you in?”
“Video promotions,” Jungkook answers as Taehyung clicks the elevator button.
Taehyung hums. “I’m a promotional designer so I make posters, brochures, and stuff. Sometimes, I take pictures too.”
“You’re a photographer?” the man asks curiously, looking at him with both eyebrows raised.
He’s cute, Taehyung thinks.
“Yeah. Just a sideline though.” The elevator doors open and Taehyung steps inside with the new employee following him shortly.
Standing beside him, Jungkook asks, “I’m quite interested in photography. Can you tell me more about it next time? If it’s not too much to ask, sunbae.”
Taehyung blinks. It’s not everyday he meets someone who shares the same interest as him. He’s always loved photography and takes pride in the beautiful pictures he’s taken for his personal album.
There’s just something about photographs that makes Taehyung feel so nostalgic. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s a captured moment that will never fade or change no matter how much time passes by. Like a frozen memory.
In photographs, love will never fade away.
“Sure,” Taehyung answers, eyes brightened by a smile. “If you have work tomorrow, we can have lunch together.”
“I’d love that,” Jungkook says and the smile on his face grows. “Thank you, sunbae.”
“Sunbae is too formal.” Taehyung waves a hand. “You can call me Taehyung.”
“Taehyung,” Jungkook repeats, and something in Taehyung’s chest flutters, catching him off guard. Did his heart just…? “You can call me Kook.”
“Kook.” Taehyung chuckles. “Kookie.”
“Kookie.” A look of surprise crosses the man’s handsome features. “Nobody’s ever called me that.”
“It’s a cute nickname.” The elevator stops on the 15th floor and as the doors slide open, Taehyung lifts his eyes up to Jungkook and says, smiling, “Totally suits you.”
*
Taehyung is usually a happy-go-lucky person. He likes spending time with friends, attending parties, and going out to see a movie. But on some occasions, he enjoys alone time for himself just like today.
He hasn’t told Jimin because his best friend was being giddy earlier about going out on a date with his boyfriend. He doesn’t want to dampen the mood so he smiles and cheers him on like he always does.
Taehyung has always kept a happy face around Jimin — around people. He’s always been like that because he doesn’t like troubling anyone with his problems. He keeps it in as much as he can; he and Jimin are somewhat alike in that aspect that’s why they clicked.
But the difference between them is that Jimin is happy with someone and Taehyung isn’t.
His phone sits heavily in his hand with an opened message from Dongwon sent twenty minutes ago. Gripping the cold can of orange juice, Taehyung takes a sip and punches down his reply on the screen.
<Fr: Dongwon>
Sorry, Taehyung-ah. I can’t do this anymore.
<Re:>
It’s okay. Thank you for everything.
<Fr: Dongwon>
Thanks for everything too. You’re a good guy. You’ll find the right one for you. :)
A snort comes out of Taehyung’s nose and he sips on his drink again. He wants to fucking laugh and kick this bench he’s sitting on.
<Re:>
Yeah, you too. Bye :)
Taehyung blocks Dongwon’s number and locks his phone, sliding it back into his pants’ pocket before slouching on the wooden bench. Pressing the cold rim of the orange juice can against his bottom lip, Taehyung’s gaze wanders off to the greying sky above him.
“It’s gonna rain, huh,” he mumbles and his thought strays off again to his ex’s text messages. “Didn’t even have the balls to call me.” He snorts lightly. “Such an asshole.”
“There you are.” The brunet’s gaze lifts up to the sound of that familiar voice beside him. “Been looking for you.”
“Kookie.” Taehyung sits up properly and watches as the younger man settles down beside him.
“You weren’t at lunch.” Jungkook turns his face to the side to look at him. “You didn’t tell me or Jimin where you’re going. I find it pretty unusual.” Then, he asks, “Is something wrong?”
Taehyung casts his eyes down on the half-empty can of juice in his hands. “I need some time alone.”
“What happened?”
“It’s Dongwon,” Taehyung answers, aimlessly rubbing the rim of the can with his thumb. “He broke up with me.”
“Oh.” Jungkook’s brows knit together. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Nah, it’s fine.” Taehyung chuckles but there’s no trace of humor in it. “It’s not like I’m hurt or anything. A bit upset, maybe. But I expected it.” He swallows. “Things had been pretty bland between us for a while and I was just… waiting for him to end things.”
When he and Dongwon started off, Taehyung thought that they could make it. They shared a lot of things in common, hobbies and other stuff. They laughed at comedy movies and talked about random things.
Taehyung thought that they were enough but that wasn’t the case. It’s not enough to share a hobby with someone or have happy talks with them. There was no spark or connection so it inevitably ended this way. In the end, he and Dongwon didn’t understand each other.
“Then why didn’t you?” Jungkook’s voice snaps him out of his reverie.
“Hm?”
“Break up with him,” the younger utters seriously. “Why didn’t you break up with him first?”
Taehyung’s lashes flutter and a small chuckle falls past his lips as he casts his eyes down, pondering. “Why indeed.” He shrugs. “I guess I’m a coward.”
“Hey, you’re not.” Jungkook pats his thigh, the corners of his mouth lifting up with a friendly smile. “You’re actually strong for letting go.”
“I’m not in love with him though.” Taehyung laughs a little, and Jungkook hums.
“But still, breakups suck, right?”
The brunet huffs an amused sound through his nose, staring at the younger man beside him with a small smile playing on his lips. “It sure does.”
Jungkook leans back on the bench and folds his arms behind his head, looking up at the grey sky. “And here I thought you’d be drinking beer instead in this gloomy weather,” he teases and the ambiance suddenly becomes more bearable for Taehyung.
“Not a fan of liquor.” Taehyung grimaces. “I’m just an occasional drinker.”
“But breakups give you an excuse to get shitfaced,” Jungkook says and the funny reason elicits a chuckle out of Taehyung. He’s got a point.
“Not really fond of that idea but thanks for the tip.”
“Hey.” Jungkook bumps their thighs together lightly. “It’s gonna be alright.”
Taehyung sighs and rests his head on Jungkook’s shoulder, seeking comfort from his friend’s warm presence. He cannot verbalize how glad he is to have Jimin and Jungkook in his life.
“Thanks, Kookie,” he mutters. “It’s my fourth failed relationship this year; there must be something wrong with me.”
“No, there isn’t.” Jungkook takes a deep breath before laying his cheek on top of Taehyung's head. “Sometimes, things don’t work out until you find the right one.
Taehyung presses his lips together and lets his eyes slide close. It’s comfortable to be like this with Jungkook. He feels safe and doesn’t have to worry about Dongwon or his past relationships, doesn’t have to think about his flaws or failures.
Somehow, it feels right.
Why does it feel right?
“I suppose that’s true,” Taehyung mutters, his grip around the can of juice tightening a little. “But when will the right one come?”
“They’re out there,” Jungkook tells him and Taehyung opens his eyes to see the wind blowing calmly across the younger’s face, swaying his dark locks. “You just have to wait.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.” Jungkook shrugs. “But they’re probably closer than you think.”
And when the younger turns to catch his gaze, flashing him a comforting smile, Taehyung feels a strange flutter in his chest that pools warmly in his stomach. Confusion crosses his mind at first but that split second of naivety suddenly becomes clear as day.
All those funny feelings and strange flutters he’s been feeling around Jungkook lately; they’re not a coincidence. They are feelings of affection.
Taehyung has feelings for his friend, Jungkook.
*
“Jimin is inviting us to watch a movie on Saturday,” Taehyung informs Jungkook as they exit the café across the block. He’s not particularly fond of coffee so Taehyung often requests hot chocolate for himself.
Taking a sip of his iced Americano, Jungkook nods and says, “Sure. What time are we meeting?”
“Three in the afternoon at Myeongdong station.”
“Got it. What movie?”
“Spiderman.”
“Ah, I wanna watch that.”
“You’re a fan?” Taehyung asks, smiling.
The younger shrugs. “I guess. I got Marvel and Justice League figures in my room.”
Laughing, the brunet responds, “You should invite me over sometime, Kookie. I wanna see them.”
“Sure.” Jungkook smiles at him. “How about next Friday?”
“Sounds good.”
As they enter the lobby of their company, Taehyung’s gaze catches a familiar figure sitting on the sofa with his arms folded across his chest. He lets out a light chuckle and approaches the sleeping man.
“Taehyung-ah?” Jungkook inquires as he follows behind him shortly.
“Hyung, hey.” Taehyung taps the man’s shoulder and the latter wakes up with a slight jolt. “Yoongi-hyung. Hi.”
“Tae.” The man, Yoongi, runs a hand down his pale face and sighs. “Sorry, did I doze off?”
“You did,” Taehyung tells him with a chuckle. “You shouldn’t be sleeping here in the lobby.”
“I know, just— sorry.” Yoongi stands up. “I’m waiting for Jimin.”
“I see.” Taehyung gestures at the younger man beside him. “Hyung, this is Jeon Jungkook. Kookie, this is Min Yoongi, Jimin’s boyfriend.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Jungkook greets with a polite smile, offering a handshake, and when the elder takes it, he continues, “Jimin has told us a lot of stories about you.”
“I hope they’re all good,” Yoongi jokes, chuckling, and the pleasant expression curves his cat-like eyes into tiny crescents.
“Yeah, he’s so in love with you, hyung; it’s disgusting sometimes.” Taehyung rolls his eyes fondly, making the other two laugh. “Are you gonna play the piano at Gustard’s tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
“Wait, you play the piano?” Jungkook asks with a hint of surprise and amazement in his widened eyes.
“I do.” Yoongi smiles. “Just a hobby though.”
“That’s so cool, hyung. Wow. I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the piano.” Jungkook pauses. “Uh, is it okay to call you hyung?”
The elder huffs out an amused sound and pats the younger’s shoulder. “Sure. Jimin’s friends are my friends too. And you can come over one of these days; maybe, I can teach you the basics.”
“That’d be nice, hyung.” Jungkook smiles, and Taehyung’s lips part a little at the happiness radiating off him. “Thank you.”
“Hyung!” Jimin calls his boyfriend as he jogs towards them, panting. “Sorry, did you wait long? I was caught up in a meeting.” He groans. “Please, it took us three goddamn hours to decide on a theme. I wanted to disintegrate.”
Yoongi snorts and takes Jimin’s briefcase, drawing a soft smile out of the younger. “I’m fine. But you look tired. Do you still wanna go out?”
“Of course!” Jimin pouts and hooks an arm through his boyfriend's. “It’s our long-awaited date. I won’t miss it for the world.”
“Okay, love birds. Get the hell out of here,” Taehyung jokes and pushes the two towards the exit. “Kookie and I are heading back now. Enjoy your date!”
“See you on Saturday, Taehyung-ah! Kook-ah!” Jimin waves his hand goodbye as Yoongi gives them a nod before the couple exits the building.
Huffing out a sigh, Taehyung shakes his head fondly. “Really, those two.”
He is about to turn around when he hears Jungkook commenting beside him, “Yoongi-hyung seems like a quiet guy.”
Taehyung blinks. “I suppose he is. He doesn’t talk much when I’m with him and Jimin but he’s a nice guy.”
“Yeah. I get that vibe from him. He’s cute too.”
Taehyung chuckles. “He is. He’s a big baby sometimes. That’s why Jimin likes spoiling him.”
The corners of Jungkook’s eyes pinch a little more as a smile plays across his lips. “If Jimin loves him, then Yoongi-hyung must be an amazing guy. And he plays the piano too.” He laughs breathily. “That alone is already impressive.”
The words die in Taehyung’s mouth at the strange look on Jungkook’s face. He watches him as the younger’s gaze remains fixed on the glass doors where Jimin and Yoongi had exited earlier.
There is wonder and adoration in Jungkook’s eyes like a kid looking up to an older brother, or a student admiring his teacher. Taehyung would be lying if he says that Yoongi isn’t worthy of Jungkook’s praise.
Yoongi is an awesome and talented hyung so it’s only natural for Jungkook to feel this way, to look up to him. Even Jimin always says how much he admires his boyfriend in every aspect.
Jungkook has never looked at Taehyung the same way he looked at Yoongi that day.
*
“Ah, hyung! I want the cheese flavor,” Jimin whines with a small pout.
“Baby, you just had cheese popcorn last time we went out to watch a movie. Try the barbecue one.” Yoongi chuckles.
“Well, you like barbecue.” Jimin wrinkles his nose.
“Why don’t you just buy one each?” Jungkook asks curiously.
“Nah. We always share a bucket.” Jimin hooks his arm through Yoongi’s and rests his chin on the elder’s shoulder, smirking. “It’s more romantic that way, isn’t it, Yoongi-ya?”
Yoongi rolls his eyes fondly and pulls his boyfriend towards the cinema door. Taehyung can hear Jimin laughing as he digs into the bucket of popcorn, uttering something to Yoongi which earned him a sigh and a fond smile in return.
Both of them are so deeply in love with each other and Taehyung muses that it must be what happily ever after looks like.
Advancing in the queue, Taehyung looks at Jungkook behind him. “Kookie—” He pauses.
Jungkook is looking at Jimin and Yoongi standing near cinema doors, watching the couple happily chattering away in their own little bubble. There is a strange expression swimming in his eyes that disappeared instantly when Taehyung called his name.
The younger turns his face to look at him. “Yeah?”
Blinking twice, Taehyung gathers his thoughts and asks, “Do you, uh, wanna share a bucket?”
“It’s fine.” Jungkook smiles at him. “You can buy yours and choose which flavor you want.”
Taehyung wanted to insist because Jungkook looked like he wanted to do the same thing as Yoongi and Jimin. Maybe, he’s like Taehyung who is a little bit jealous of the couple’s relationship. Perhaps, Jungkook wants to have what Yoongi and Jimin have too.
But then, Jungkook doesn’t bother looking his way so what’s the point of doing anything?
“Okay,” he utters with a nod, turning around to order a bag of butter popcorn and a large cup of Coke. As the lady prepares his order, Taehyung tries not to mind the sinking feeling in his chest. It’s a happy day out with his friends so he shouldn’t be feeling down like this.
He is good at putting up a façade so this isn’t something new to him. Forcing out a smile, Taehyung takes his order and thanks the lady behind the counter. He waits for Jungkook to get his order before they make their way to where the couple is.
The cinema is packed with people so it was a good idea to reserve tickets online a few days prior. Taehyung and Jungkook sit on the row directly behind Jimin and Yoongi and as the cool air hits Taehyung’s skin, he shivers a little and rubs a hand over his left arm.
He should’ve worn a long-sleeved shirt or brought a jacket with him. Damn.
“I told you to bring a jacket,” he hears Yoongi muttering in front of them before throwing his grey jacket over Jimin to keep him warm.
With a loving smile, Jimin rests his head on the elder’s shoulder and says, “Thanks, hyung.”
God, Taehyung feels like he is third-wheeling on his best friend’s date.
“Are you cold?”
Taehyung turns his head to the side and finds Jungkook staring at him closely. The proximity of their seats doesn’t help and Taehyung feels that familiar flutter in his stomach once again. “A bit,” he admits
And to his surprise, Jungkook moves to take his jacket off, offering it to Taehyung and saying, “Here. I’m good.”
His heart begins to race in his chest but Taehyung knows Jungkook is doing this out of goodwill. Because they are friends and friends care for each other. There isn’t any meaning to this; Taehyung should know how to separate a friendly act from a romantic gesture.
“Are you sure?” the brunet asks, frowning.
“Yeah.” Jungkook holds Taehyung’s popcorn as the latter shrugs on the jacket. Once done, he offers the snack back to him.
“Sorry. Should’ve brought a jacket,” Taehyung mumbles guiltily.
“I’m glad I wore one.” Jungkook chuckles and the hushed voices in the cinema die down when the lights turned off, the big screen in front of them beginning to play a few trailers before the main movie.
Sliding down on his seat to find a more comfortable position, Taehyung leans his head on the younger’s shoulder and focuses his eyes on the screen. They are friends and Taehyung is a touchy person by nature. This is a normal interaction between them.
But that is why it hurts, doesn’t it? a small voice inside Taehyung’s head whispers to him.
It’s normal for Jungkook to care for Taehyung, and it feels natural for Taehyung to lean his head like this on Jungkook. Everything is usually how it is so Taehyung should stop thinking that there might be something more.
Because there isn’t.
After the movie ended, Jimin and Yoongi bid them farewell and went on their own way, saying that Yoongi has an early day tomorrow at work.
“See you on Monday, Chim!” Taehyung shouts after them, waving happily at the couple seated inside the taxi. As the vehicle drives away, the brunet sighs and looks at the man beside him. “Do you wanna go somewhere else?”
“Nothing in particular.”
Taehyung chuckles. “Okay. Let’s hang out there for a while.”
Walking towards the vending machine on the empty sidewalk, Taehyung pushes a few coins into the machine and waits for the drinks to drop. After retrieving them, he steps closer to Jungkook who is leaning against a metal railing with both hands tucked inside his pockets.
He looks so handsome under the moonlight, and the blue glows of the night admixed with yellow light coming from the lamp post cuts the angle of his jaw sharper, his dark fringe hanging past his eyes as his head tilts slightly forward.
“Here,” Taehyung says, offering a can of warm coffee to the man as he feels the steady rise of his pulse.
Upon seeing the brand of the beverage, Jungkook lets out a breathy laugh and utters, “You remembered my favorite coffee drink.”
“Of course,” Taehyung responds, a little proud of himself, and settles beside the younger.
I remember everything about you, he thinks wryly.
“Thanks for the drink,” Jungkook tells him before pulling the tab and taking a sip.
It’s quiet and comfortable, with only the whirring sound of trees and occasional cars driving past behind them as the source of noise under the otherwise silent night. They’re in a less crowded area of the city so there aren’t many people passing by.
This is nice, Taehyung thinks. I hope this moment can last longer.
“Kookie?”
“Hm?”
Staring at the orange juice in his hands, Taehyung opens his mouth to ask, “Do you like someone?”
A car speeds past behind them and the loud sound deafens Taehyung’s ears for a moment, but when the silence settles down again, he feels Jungkook tensing up a little beside him, caught off guard by the question.
“What made you ask that?” the younger inquires.
The brunet shrugs. “Nothing. I’m just curious.” He looks at him. “We haven’t talked about romantic stuff since we met and we’ve been friends for months already.”
One corner of Jungkook’s mouth lifts up and he hangs his head down. “Yeah, you’re right.” A beat of silence. “I do.” He looks up in front of him. “I like someone.”
Taehyung tries hard not to let his lips quiver so he hums instead. “Are you going to confess?”
“Not a chance,” Jungkook replies with a snort.
“Why not?”
“It’s complicated.” The younger looks back at him. “How about you, Taehyung-ah? Do you like someone?”
Taehyung’s eyes cast down and he taps the tip of his shoe on the rough pavement. “I do,” he mutters.
Surprise crosses Jungkook’s features and he asks, “Are you going to confess?”
Taehyung feels a twinge in his chest as he lets out a fake, humorless smile. “No.”
“Why not?” A crease appears between the younger’s brows. “You might regret it if you don’t take the chance.”
Chuckling bitterly, Taehyung lifts up his eyes to his friend. “I’m not gonna take that chance.”
“Why?” Jungkook asks again, concern palpable in his eyes.
“Because that person likes another one.” Taehyung sniffs and rubs his nose, averting his eyes from the younger. “I have no chance with him.”
“I get what you mean,” Jungkook says and the look in his eyes turns solemn as if deeply reflecting on something. “But you won’t know until you try.”
“Maybe.” Taehyung licks his lips, muttering, “But he will never return my feelings.”
“How are you so sure?”
Taehyung’s grip on the drink tightens as he smiles sadly at Jungkook. “Trust me, Jungkook-ah,” he tells him, and the ache in his chest burrows deeper. “I know.”
*
Taehyung thought that harboring secret feelings for his friend for almost three years is a curse. Like he is a shadow following Jungkook everywhere he goes, standing right behind him concretely but never an actual image.
He feels like an apparition next to Jungkook, being talked to and seen but never felt . Jungkook’s touch on his skin is warm and electric but he feels the transparency as the touch goes through his body.
Jungkook touches but nothing lingers. It has been like that for a long time and sometimes, Taehyung feels the numbness seeping right into his bones.
Loving someone from afar is difficult but so is watching the relationship you’ve built for a long time crumbling right in front of your eyes.
“Sometimes I wish Yoongi were more like you, Tae,” Jimin mutters one day when his best friend came over to Taehyung’s house for their monthly movie night.
Cuddled on the couch with a thick blanket thrown over them to keep them warm, Taehyung asks, “What made you say that?”
“You hug and cuddle with me. You pat my head and tell me that I’m doing good at my job. You constantly support me in everything I do.”
“But that’s what best friends do.” Taehyung pats Jimin’s arm. “We support each other.”
“I know.” Jimin burrows further down the blanket, his eyes holding an empty emotion in them as he stares at the TV screen in front of him. “But couples do that too, don’t they?”
“Chim?” Taehyung looks at his best friend with a worried frown. “Did something happen with Yoongi-hyung?”
Jimin shakes his head with a weary sigh. “It’s just… it’s been two years since hyung last told me he loves me.”
“Two years?” The brunet blinks in surprise. Even though Yoongi is a man of few words, someone who acts rather than speaks, not telling your partner how much he has loved them for such a long time is still disconcerting.
“Mhn.” Jimin nods and Taehyung’s heart aches when he sees his best friend looking so small like this.
“Hey.” Taehyung pinches Jimin’s cheek lightly. “Everything’s going to be alright, Chim. Hyung loves you very much, okay?”
Jimin looks like he’s about to say something but debates against it and instead settles with a nod and a small smile. “Yeah,” he utters breathily. “I hope you’re right, Tae.”
The static suddenly feels louder.
*
Jimin has been spending more time with him than with Yoongi lately. He knows his best friend is craving for attention; that he is projecting on Taehyung what he wants to have from Yoongi. He doesn’t know how things are going at the moment in their apartment because Jimin refuses to talk about it everytime Taehyung asks him.
His best friend would just shrug and change the topic instantly. Sometimes, he would answer vaguely but it still doesn’t clarify any of Taehyung’s questions.
It’s not like he can do anything if Jimin is being closed-off about it. Taehyung is a third-party and the problem is between Jimin and Yoongi; he doesn’t want to intrude into their private matters.
Taehyung trusts his best friend to tell him once he’s ready, so right now, the only thing that he can do is wait and be supportive of Jimin — to him and Yoongi because both of them are his friends.
It’s Christmas Eve and the company’s party is bright with drinks and laughter, the sound of music blasting through speakers as everybody chatters and goes around the hall to have a good time.
“Where’s Yoongi-hyung?” Taehyung asks, holding a glass of wine and standing by the pillar.
Jimin licks his lips as he keeps his eyes low, staring at the space between them as his fingers fidget on the wine glass. Taehyung knows his best friend’s mannerisms; they’ve known each other for a long time.
And judging by how Jimin’s index finger keeps on tapping the side of the wine glass, Taehyung can certainly say that his best friend is feeling anxious. There are also dark bags under his eyes like Jimin hadn’t had a good night’s sleep.
“He’s at home,” Jimin answers, voice cracking a little at the edges.
“You left him home on Christmas Eve?” the brunet inquires and there is a hint of disbelief in his tone.
Upon hearing his question, Jimin flinches a bit and takes a sip of his wine, probably more than he intended to because Jimin winces at the bitterness.
“Chim.” Taehyung steps closer and tries to catch his best friend’s gaze. “Hey, is everything okay?”
Jimin sniffs and rubs the bridge of his nose. “Taehyung-ah.”
“Hm?”
His best friend finally lifts up his eyes to him. “Can I talk to you about something?”
A flower of hope blooms in Taehyung’s chest as he realizes that this must be the chance he’s been waiting for. Jimin is going to open up to him and as a dear friend, Taehyung will do everything he can to make him feel better even if just a little.
“Sure. You can talk to me about everything, Chim.” Taehyung hooks his arm around Jimin and ushers him out of the room and into the empty balcony. The crisp night air blows across Taehyung’s face and he lets out a contented sigh.
Leaning his arms on the railings, Jimin takes a moment to gather his thoughts, looking at the bitter liquid in the wine glass reflecting off the lights inside the room before he shifts his gaze to Taehyung.
“I think Yoongi-hyung and I are going to break up.” Jimin’s lower lip quivers. “And it’s going to be my fault.”
“What?” Taehyung whispers in disbelief. “Why? I—how did you know?”
“Things have been tense and stifling between us these past few months and I think the thread keeping us together is going to break soon.”
Jimin casts his eyes down. “I told you before that I didn’t want to be greedy, that I was fine with what hyung and I have, that he was already giving me so much so I didn’t want to ask for more. But, Taehyung-ah…”
His best friend looks at him with accumulated tears in his helpless eyes. “I couldn’t help but ask more from hyung. I want him to talk to me about his day at work, if he is still feeding the stray cats in the back alley, or if he wants to change the brand of his shaving cream. Those little things…”
A pause.
“I—” Jimin lets out a trembling breath. “I want to hear him tell me how much he loves me.” His voice tapers off. “Or if he still does.”
Taehyung swallows thickly as the confession feels heavier than he initially thought, that the gravity of the situation is much harsher than he imagined.
“Of course, he does.” Taehyung leans on the railings, stepping closer to his best friend. “You’ve been together for six years, Jimin-ah. You should’ve known each other already like the back of your hand.”
“That’s the thing, Taehyung-ah.” Jimin laughs bitterly and Taehyung can hear the frustration laced in his voice. “I’m not sure if I really know who Yoongi is because most of the time, he keeps things to himself.”
“I just want him to be more open to me. Sometimes, I wonder if he really trusts me. Recently, all I can hear is just…” His best friend utters breathily, “Static.”
“Hey, let’s calm down first, yeah? You can both talk this out. Your bond is strong so I’m confident that you and Yoongi-hyung will overcome this challenge, Jiminie. Don’t let the years you’ve spent together go to waste.”
The corners of Jimin’s mouth curve up into a bitter smile. “You know what, Tae?”
Taehyung waits for him to continue.
“There was one time when I thought if I like you. You understand me, and you’re always there for me. Sometimes, I ask myself: why can’t it be you?” Jimin confesses. “You are my soulmate and it would’ve been easier if I loved you.”
Taehyung chuckles. “Because soulmates do not always have to end up together. Sometimes, life has a different plan for us.”
Laying an arm over his best friend’s shoulders to hold him close to his side, Taehyung continues, “And Jiminie, if love had been easy for you, then you hadn’t loved at all.”
Taehyung thinks about his unrequited love for Jungkook, how beautiful it is to spend time with him but at the same time, how painful it is to always be one step behind him. He has always been there for him, near him, but Taehyung has never stood by Jungkook’s side.
And that is what hurts the most.
“You’re right, Tae.” Jimin lays his head on his shoulder. “I’m confused at the moment, but I know deep down that I still love Yoongi-hyung.”
Taehyung plants a kiss on the crown of his best friend’s head. “Both of you can be so stubborn sometimes. You just have to lay down a bit of your pride and talk things over.”
Jimin nods. “Yeah,” he agrees. “But can I go with you tomorrow to your client's dinner?”
“But it’s Christmas day tomorrow, Jimin-ah,” Taehyung says, frowning. “Won’t you spend it with hyung?”
“I… need a change of air. Christmas has been our day; it’s our routine so I kind of… want to deviate from it.” Jimin presses his lips together. “I think that will help me realize things. Clear off my head a little.”
Taehyung hums and pats his best friend’s back. “Kook, you and I are going to party tomorrow night at Itaewon after dinner. So no more long faces, okay? It’s Christmas Day! We should all be having fun.”
At this, Jimin lets out a small laugh. “Thank you for listening to me, Tae.”
Taehyung grins and says, “Anything for my soulmate.”
*
Taehyung thought it was going to be a chill night. That after meeting his top-notch client, Kim Seokjin, who happened to be Yoongi-hyung’s friend, and discussing his photoshoot with him, everything would go smoothly as planned.
That he would be having a sumptuous dinner at a local restaurant and going to Itaewon for an afterparty with Jungkook and Jimin. But he was wrong.
He was dead wrong.
“Kookie, let Chim take hyung home,” Taehyung says, watching the younger slide his phone into his pocket with a sigh. What the fuck was going through Jungkook’s head when he switched plates with Yoongi because the elder didn’t like bell peppers? When he suggested to take Yoongi back home when Jimin, his boyfriend, was literally a foot away from him?
“I’m sorry, Tae,” Jungkook apologizes. “But I need to—”
“You don’t need to do anything,” Jimin butts in, pressing his lips together. “I will take my boyfriend home, back to our apartment.”
Yoongi looks like he’s lost and he tries to diffuse the situation by telling Jungkook, “Jungkook-ah. It’s fine. I’ll go back with Jimin but thank you for the offer. I appreciate it.”
But then, Jungkook stands to grab Yoongi’s arm. “Hyung.”
“Jungkook.” Taehyung stands up this time and consciously looks around as a few heads turn in their direction because of the little commotion going on at their table. “Sit down, you’re attracting too much attention.”
“Jungkook-ah.” Jimin grabs Jungkook’s arm, hand squeezing tight as he stares right into his eyes. “Let Yoongi go and sit the fuck down.”
“Hey, that’s enough.” Namjoon intercedes. “Let’s calm down, yeah? Friends fight from time to time.” He chuckles, sounding a bit nervous. “Jimin-ah, take Yoongi home safely.”
An awkward silence followed after the couple left, and Taehyung let out a small, nervous chuckle as he pulled Jungkook down to his seat. “I’m so sorry for interrupting our dinner,” he tells them.
“It’s fine,” Seokjin replies with a friendly laugh, trying to brighten up the mood but Taehyung notices the remaining tension in his shoulders. “Let Jimin and Yoongi handle their stuff.”
“Let’s just continue eating? Food’s getting cold,” Hoseok supplies and the dinner resumes.
Jungkook is quiet beside him and not eating much as he pushes the food around on his plate but Taehyung tries not to show how unhinged he was by what happened because he is still in front of a client.
After dinner ended and everyone bid their farewell, Taehyung retrieved Jungkook’s scarf from his seat because the younger seemed to have forgotten about it when he made his way towards the exit.
“Kook-ah,” Taehyung calls him softly as the younger pushes the last button of his coat back in its place. “Here.”
Before Jungkook can say anything, Taehyung steps closer and puts the scarf around his neck. Jungkook stays quiet as he arranges the muffler with the younger’s eyes kept low on the space between them.
“Come on,” Taehyung mutters and pulls Jungkook by the arm out of the restaurant.
They are quiet as they walk towards the train station. It’s not uncomfortable but Taehyung can feel the heaviness of so many questions and unspoken words hanging above their heads. As to why Jungkook had acted like that back there.
Upon reaching the point where he and Jungkook have to take on different trains, Taehyung asks him, “Kook-ah, do you want me to take you home?”
“No, I’ll be fine.” Jungkook tucks his hands in his coat pockets. “Thanks for walking with me and…” He hesitates for a moment. “I’m so sorry for ruining your client's dinner and not going with you to the after party.”
“Mhn.” Taehyung nods and casts his eyes down. He is not going to say it’s fine because it isn’t. They both know it isn’t.
“Good night, Tae.” Jungkook gives him a small smile, and Taehyung feels a tiny ache squeezing through his chest. “Merry Christmas.”
And when the younger turns around to climb up the escalator towards his platform, Taehyung opens his mouth to ask, “Jungkook-ah, do you have feelings for Yoongi-hyung?”
Jungkook’s footsteps stop on the concrete floor.
Taehyung waits for him to respond but every second of wordlessness from the younger makes his anxiety climb up a notch. “Kook-ah,” he utters again, helpless.
Jungkook’s shoulders lift up a little as he inhales deeply. “I do,” he answers.
Taehyung already knew his answer; he had expected it. But it doesn’t mean it would hurt less to hear Jungkook say it.
“Yoongi-hyung is Jimin’s boyfriend,” he tells Jungkook as bitterness comes in waves into his heart. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m not doing anything.” Jungkook turns around to face him. “I decided I won’t act on my feelings because Jimin is my friend and hyung loves him. I care too much for Yoongi-hyung to hurt him.”
“Kook-ah.” Taehyung feels the back of his eyes stinging with tears.
Why can’t it be me? a voice at the back of his mind says. Why does Jungkook have to suffer like him?
“But if Jimin keeps on hurting hyung…” Jungkook stares seriously into his eyes and Taehyung sees the flame of defiance and determination in them. “I can’t promise that I will just stand by and watch.”
When Taehyung didn’t answer, Jungkook gave him a little nod and said, “See you at work, Tae.”
Taehyung’s hands curl into tight fists as he watches Jungkook’s back moving away from him. With every step the younger takes, Taehyung’s heart breaks anew. He knows how hurt Jungkook is right now, how difficult it must have been for him to love someone who loves another one, to hide his feelings and feel them rot away in his chest.
Because for three years, it has been like that for Taehyung. For three years, he has loved Jungkook silently and unconditionally.
*
Taehyung learned from his best friend that Yoongi had broken up with Jimin that same night. He didn’t know how things went between them when they got home but judging from how Jimin was sobbing at 3AM on the phone, voice shaky and raw with heartbreak, he could already tell how awful their conversation must have been.
“It’s my fault, Tae,” Jimin cried and the brunet could feel the deep ache he was feeling through his voice. “I-I shouldn’t— I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have asked for more. I should’ve been more patient—”
“Chim, hey.” Taehyung’s chest tightened. “You can talk to Yoongi-hyung again. I’m sure he’d be willing to—”
“No, Tae. He said—” Jimin sniffled. “That we should take some time off for ourselves. To think things over if this relationship is really what we want. And he… refused to talk to me.”
Taehyung listened silently to his best friend's sobs as Jimin gathered his thoughts. “It was so painful watching him leave the apartment, Taehyung-ah. He didn’t even look back at me.”
Taehyung pressed his lips together, his brows furrowed with sympathy.
“I ran after hyung but then I saw Jungkook hugging him, and I just—” Jimin let out a trembling breath. “Turned back. Because it felt like I wasn’t needed.”
Taehyung’s mind reeled back to what his best friend just said. “Wait, what? You saw Jungkook?”
“Yeah,” Jimin rasped. “He was with Yoongi-hyung.”
“But that can’t be. I parted ways with Jungkook at the train station. He went home after dinner.”
“It didn’t seem that way, Tae.”
Taehyung’s gaze drops on his lap as an ache throbs in his chest. Why didn’t Jungkook tell him he was going to follow Jimin and Yoongi?
“I can’t live without him, Taehyung-ah,” Jimin cried. “I don’t wanna lose Yoongi.”
Things became more complicated after that. Jungkook has been going back and forth to Hoseok’s apartment in Gangnam to visit Yoongi, and Taehyung swears he can hear a small crack in his chest everytime Jungkook does that.
He wants to scold Jungkook, wants to slap him with the reality that he can’t have Yoongi as long as Jimin is here, and that no matter how messed up the couple’s current situation is, there is no room left for Jungkook in their relationship.
But Taehyung doesn’t want to. Because he’s afraid that once he does, once he forcefully shoves himself into the younger’s business, once he oversteps his boundary, Jungkook will kick him out of his life for good.
Taehyung is afraid that Jungkook will hate him.
Two weeks later, Taehyung finally gets the chance to come by Jungkook’s apartment. He brings the younger’s favorite chicken wings and four bottles of soju if ever Jungkook wants to drink.
The moment Taehyung sees the young man standing in the doorway with a black hoodie pulled over his head, a pair of grey sweats sliding along the floor as he walks barefooted, his eyes hanging heavily with exhaustion and palpable sadness, he already knows that something is wrong.
Jungkook didn’t eat much and preferred to lounge silently on the couch with Taehyung as an old 1990s movie played on the TV screen with the volume lowered. Jungkook’s head is laid on Taehyung’s lap as his fingers card through the younger’s dark locks gently.
“I’m going to confess,” Jungkook utters with his eyes trained on the screen in front of him.
Taehyung’s hand pauses.
Another dreadful emotion creeps into his chest but he desperately tries to ignore it. “It may end up badly, Kookie.”
No, it will definitely end up badly.
“I know.” Jungkook exhales and his breath suddenly sounds much louder in the four corners of the living room. “But if I don’t confess, then I will regret it for the rest of my life.” Taehyung feels the back of his eyes burning with tears, and the younger adds, “I won’t be able to let go.”
Taehyung’s eyes flutter closed as he takes a deep breath to calm himself, to lessen the throbbing in his chest. Then after a short while, Taehyung resumes stroking the younger’s hair. “Okay,” he mutters, looking down at Jungkook in his lap, his gaze exuding affection and comfort. “I’m rooting for you, Kook-ah.”
A small, sad smile appears on Jungkook’s lips and he turns around to bury his face into the fabric of Taehyung’s sweatshirt. “I’m glad I have you, Taehyung-ah,” he mutters, voice muffled and as silent as a whisper but Taehyung heard it and it broke his heart.
He has been there for Jungkook for a long time but could never be with him the way he wants to. And now as Taehyung’s hand continues to stroke Jungkook’s hair until he hears light even breaths coming in and out of the younger’s mouth, both of his eyes closed as he sleeps on Taehyung’s lap, he wishes that loving Jungkook shouldn’t be this hard.
It’s unfair that he can touch him, that Jungkook is so near and yet seems so far. Jungkook feels like sand slipping through the gaps of his fingers as Taehyung desperately tries to hold on to him.
It’s unfair that Jungkook has to be cut open and bleed like this when Taehyung can save him.
It’s unfair because Jungkook can’t just order himself to love Taehyung, and Taehyung can’t just tell himself that he will be fine if he lets Jungkook go.
*
“Jungkook-ah.” Taehyung knocks on the apartment door again for the tenth time that evening. “Jungkook-ah, are you in there?” When no one answers, Taehyung’s hand drops to his side.
After Yoongi’s rejection, Jungkook hasn’t been around much lately. Taehyung keeps texting and calling him, going as far as visiting him in his apartment but to no avail. He will receive brief messages from Jungkook from time to time, telling him he’s alright and needs some time alone.
That’s the only indication that the younger isn’t in danger and somehow, in the middle of worrying for him, Taehyung could let out a relieved sigh. This is the fourth night that Taehyung goes straight to Jungkook’s apartment from work to check on him, and this is the fourth night that he was answered with utter silence.
He wants to see Jungkook, wants to hug him and be there for him, tell him everything is going to be okay but he can’t. Jungkook doesn’t want him to and that is what hurts the most.
“Kook-ah,” Taehyung breathes out with his gaze cast down. “I don’t know if you’re here and just pretending you don’t hear me but if you are, I hope you’re taking care of yourself.” Tears start to burn behind his eyes. “We are all worried about you.”
Taehyung steps closer to press his forehead against the door, his eyes slipping shut as a tear falls down his cheek. He whispers, voice trembling and raw, “I wish you’d let me in, Kook.”
*
Clearing the misunderstanding between him and Yoongi takes a huge part of the weight off Taehyung’s shoulders. The farewell party for Jin goes on as the night deepens and Taehyung keeps tapping the glass of juice with his index finger.
Yoongi and Jimin got back together after their Busan trip and Taehyung couldn’t be happier when the light in his best friend’s eyes returned again. The couple looks so happy as they chat with Jin and Namjoon in the living room, with Yoongi’s hand resting on Jimin’s waist and Jimin leaning his head on the elder’s shoulder with a wide grin on his face as he listens to Jin’s joke.
Taehyung unconsciously smiles and takes a sip of his juice. “Hey, don’t feel like partying?” Hoseok asks, sliding on the barstool next to him.
“Too tired from work,” Taehyung replies and shifts his gaze back to the veranda.
“Jungkook locked himself out there, didn’t he?”
Taehyung’s jaw clenches and he nods.
Hoseok sighs. “Jungkook’s a good kid, really. But trying to win Yoongi over when hyung and Jimin still loved each other was just…” He shakes his head. “It was a shitty move and I’m glad Yoongi-hyung finally ended things, but I feel sorry for Kook.”
Taehyung understands. He is grateful to Yoongi either because Jungkook had to know he doesn’t have a chance with him. It was a relief when Jungkook was finally slapped with reality but Taehyung couldn’t help but feel guilty over it.
He didn’t want to see Jungkook hurt, but the younger had to feel the pain of rejection in order to move on.
Smiling at Hoseok, Taehyung opts to change the topic. “Can we do karaoke, hyung?”
The elder’s eyes light up with the suggestion and he pulls Taehyung towards the living where the other guests are. Taehyung, Jimin, and Hoseok all sing their hearts out until late in the evening, and Taehyung had momentarily forgotten all of the messy feelings he has been harboring for Jungkook.
He hasn’t felt this alive in a long while and the change is welcoming. Taehyung slumps against the sofa, lungs burning as his chest heaves, dropping the mic on the cushion. “That was good,” he says with a tired smile.
“You’re amazing, Tae!” Jimin laughs, sitting beside him. “But I scored the highest though.”
“Nah, you cheated!” Hoseok accuses him and Jimin gasps in offense.
“Ya, just admit that I’m the King of Karaoke!”
“The machine glitched. I was supposed to be higher by 2 points,” Taehyung teases and it earns him an adorable pout from his best friend in return.
“You’re teaming up against me.” Jimin huffs. “Where’s Yoongi-hyung? I need him with me—”
Crash.
Both of them jolt at the sound of glass crashing against the floor.
“What the fuck was that?” Hoseok asks in shock.
“I think it was from the veranda.” Jimin stands up from the couch. “I’ll go and check it out.”
Taehyung watches his best friend walking towards the sliding door and greeting a few visitors on his way. “Isn’t Kook on the veranda?” he hears Hoseok ask beside him.
Fuck. Taehyung forgot about it.
His instincts pull Taehyung to his feet but he freezes on his spot when he was about to take a step forward. Should he let Jungkook and Jimin talk alone? He knows Jimin is still upset with Jungkook, and Jungkook isn’t really in the best condition to be attending a party but Jin is his friend and he wanted to see him before his flight to Canada for work.
Maybe, Taehyung should hold his ground. Jimin and Jungkook are grown-ups and they can already handle themselves. They are friends, and friends could have problems sometimes but it’s nothing that a good talk can’t solve.
Just as when Taehyung was about to sit down, he heard a loud thud coming from the veranda and Jimin’s voice shouting, “You fucking asshole!”
“Jimin, stop!” It was Yoongi this time, and everyone in the living room got alerted by the angry shouts coming from the veranda.
“Everyone, please calm down,” Namjoon says, appeasing the nervous guest. “I’m so sorry for all the noise but everything is fine. We’re gonna check it out now.”
Taehyung is sprinting towards the veranda before he knows it, throwing the sliding door open until the cool night air hits his face, and then he sees it.
Jungkook is splayed across the floor and Jimin looks furious as he thrashes inside Yoongi’s arms with a deep frown contorting his face. Taehyung immediately moves to kneel beside Jungkook, his heart throbbing badly upon seeing the ugly bruise forming on the younger’s cheek where Jimin had punched him.
“What in the ever-loving fuck happened—” Jin begins to say but Jimin’s shout cuts him off.
“This draws the fucking line, Kook!” Jimin snarls. “I will never tolerate you laying a hand on Yoongi! Get the fuck away from him!”
Jungkook turns over, groaning as he supports himself with his elbows, head bent down between his shoulders. Taehyung runs a hand down Jungkook’s back. “What the fuck happened, Jimin?” he asks.
“He kissed Yoongi,” Jimin hisses, every muscle in his body pulled taut with tension and Yoongi’s arms tighten around his waist. “I saw it with my own eyes.”
Taehyung feels his whole world stop spinning.
“Jesus, fuck,” Jin curses, and Namjoon rubs a sore spot above his right brow.
“Come on. Let’s all calm down—” Hoseok begins to say but the sound of someone puking startles everyone on the veranda.
“Kook!” Taehyung immediately grips Jungkook’s arm, grimacing as he hears the other retching his guts out. “God, Jungkook.”
“Fuck.” The youngest wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Head—fucking hurts.”
From his periphery, Taehyung sees Yoongi grabbing Jimin’s wrist and uttering a quick apology to Jin and Namjoon before the couple disappears from the scene. Taehyung feels a lump in his throat but he swallows it and proceeds to help Jungkook sit on the tiled floor.
“Kook-ah,” he mutters, feeling his heart break at the tears in the younger’s eyes.
“Take him home, Taehyung-ah,” Namjoon says and pulls out his phone. “I’ll call a cab.”
Taehyung nods at him before turning his attention back to Jungkook whose eyes are shut as a deep crease knits his dark brows together. “Can you walk?” he asks, and after a moment of attempting to process Taehyung’s question, Jungkook finally nods.
“Let me help you,” Hoseok offers.
Jungkook’s breath stinks with acid and alcohol as Taehyung and Hoseok half-carry him outside the house and into the cab. Once Jungkook is safely tucked in the back seat, Taehyung bows deeply to Jin, Namjoon, and Hoseok and says, “I’m so sorry for all the trouble.”
“It’s okay.” Jin glances worriedly at Jungkook who is hunched over himself in the cab. “Just make sure Jungkook gets home safely.”
Taehyung presses his lips together before standing up properly. “I will,” he answers. “Good luck with Canada, Jin-hyung. Don’t forget to call sometimes.”
“Will do.” The eldest gives him a smile and a hug. “See you soon, Taehyung-ah.”
The ride to Jungkook’s apartment is filled with silence. Taehyung isn’t speaking and Jungkook seems too intoxicated to even move an inch. He can put the younger’s head on his shoulder, and let him lean on him, but no.
Taehyung doesn’t want to.
Climbing up the stairs with a drunken man leaning heavily on his side is fucking hard but Taehyung endures it for Jungkook’s sake. He grabs the key from the younger’s back pocket and opens the door with one hand, flipping on the switch once inside the apartment.
He carries Jungkook to the couch, laying him down as carefully as he can but Jungkook’s arm slips from his shoulders, and they both crash against the cushion. “Ngh,” Taehyung groans. “You’re fucking heavy, Kook-ah.”
Pushing himself up from the couch, Taehyung makes his way to the kitchen to pour Jungkook a glass of water before proceeding to wet a clean towel he found in the cupboard. Walking back to the living room, the brunet kneels beside the sofa and utters softly, “Kook-ah. Here, drink some water.”
A pained groan airs out of Jungkook’s throat as the young man pushes himself up to a sitting position and takes the glass from Taehyung’s hand. After drinking two gulps of water, Jungkook winces and places the glass on the coffee table.
“Let me see the bruise on your cheek,” Taehyung says and places a hand under Jungkook’s chin, patting the bruise with the damp towel. When Jungkook winces in pain, Taehyung mutters a quiet apology.
“You shouldn’t have done that, Kook-ah,” he says and feels the earlier bitterness coming back in full force. “How could you kiss Yoongi-hyung?”
Jungkook doesn’t answer.
“I know you’re drunk but it isn’t an excuse for you to—”
Taehyung gasps when Jungkook suddenly slaps his hand away, causing the towel to fall down on the carpeted floor. “My head is fucking throbbing and I don’t need you to lecture me right now,” the younger replies, frowning.
Anger and defiance burn brighter under Taehyung’s skin and he spits out, “What you’re doing isn’t right! You can’t continue doing this to Jimin and Yoongi-hyung!”
“I know, and I’m trying my best to get my shit straight. Fuck.” Jungkook closes his eyes tightly and presses a palm to his forehead. “Everything’s fucking spinning.”
For the first time in three years, Taehyung chooses to be selfish.
“Then you have to get your shit straight faster,” he says as his hands ball into tight fists on his sides. “Because at this rate, you’ll end up losing both Yoongi-hyung and Jimin.”
The younger lets out a humorless chuckle at that. “I’ve already lost everything.”
“No, Kook.” Taehyung is angry. “I’m fucking here. Can’t you see?!” He swallows thickly as tears pool in his eyes, and he utters breathily, “I’ve always been here.”
Silence hangs above their heads for a moment before Jungkook finally lifts up his gaze to him, his eyes bloodshot and reflecting off so much pain that Taehyung has to stifle a sob at the sight of them.
“If only I could love you then things would’ve been easier.”
Taehyung’s breath seizes up in his throat.
Jungkook licks his lips as his gaze falls down. “I could have loved you,” he mutters. “But you’re not Yoongi-hyung.”
Taehyung feels the exact moment his heart breaks.
A bitter laugh comes out of Taehyung’s throat and he looks at Jungkook with raw hurt and anger in his teary eyes. “Yoongi-hyung loves Jimin, Jungkook. Get that through your thick skull!”
His shout causes Jungkook to flinch and the younger puts his throbbing head down on his palms, gripping his dark hair tightly. “Stop,” Jungkook rasps.
Taehyung doesn’t stop.
“How many times do you have to get hurt before you realize the truth?!”
“I said stop—”
Jungkook has to understand now .
“You had no chance with him right from the start!” Taehyung sneers, his pulse beating wildly under his skin. “But you still went and tried to break hyung and Jimin’s relationship like a fucking asshole—”
Taehyung feels pain explode in his left cheek as his body collapses on the carpeted floor. His eyes are wide as his brain tries to process what just happened, his mouth hanging open in shock.
Too stunned to speak, he turns his gaze to the younger man standing and hovering over him with a look of sheer anger on his face. Jungkook is fuming and his fists are clenched tightly and trembling on his sides.
“You have no right to say those fucking things to me. Who are you to tell that to me?” He shouts, “Stop pretending you understand everything! You have no fucking idea what I’m feeling right now!”
“Have no idea?” Taehyung scoffs as he pushes himself up to his feet, hot tears gliding down his face. He looks straight into the younger’s eyes. “I’ve loved you for three years, Jungkook-ah. I know how it feels to be set aside by someone whom you have feelings for. I fucking know .”
The muscles in Jungkook’s jaws jump when he clenches his teeth. “I didn’t tell you to have feelings for me.”
Taehyung lets out a bitter chuckle as he feels his throat beginning to clog up. “You’re right; I did that on my own accord,” he says, wet lashes fluttering. “It was my own choice to love you and ask nothing in return. But, please…” His lower lip quivers. “Don’t make me regret it, Jungkook-ah.”
Jungkook turns his face to the side, his whole frame rigid and filled with tension.
Taehyung takes a step closer, fisting the younger’s shirt with both hands as he desperately searches for something—anything—in Jungkook’s eyes that will tell him to stay. “Why can’t it be me, Kook-ah?” he asks, voice shaking. “What should I do to make you love me? Please, just— tell me.” He sobs. “I’ll do anything.”
Jungkook’s lashes flutter as he bites his bottom lip. Then after a moment, Taehyung finally heard his answer. “You don’t have to do anything,” Jungkook tells him with eyes cast down. And when he turns his head to face him, Taehyung sees a lot of emotions in Jungkook’s eyes apart from the love he’s been constantly looking for.
“I don’t love you, Tae.” Taehyung’s hands loosen on Jungkook’s shirt until they hang loosely on his sides. Jungkook finally utters, “I’m so sorry.”
Pain. Frustration. Anger. A storm of emotions plagues Taehyung’s chest as he forgets how to breathe in front of Jungkook. He feels an invisible hand clawing at his heart until a searing pain punctures it.
He knows Jungkook doesn’t love him, would never love him no matter how much he waited, no matter how much he loves him, but hearing the confirmation directly from Jungkook himself hurts so fucking much.
Taehyung has cut himself open for Jungkook and now he is left bleeding alone.
“Thank you for telling me,” Taehyung mutters with a voice as silent as a whisper. “I was too afraid to let go because for the first time, I’ve learned how to love genuinely.” He swallows and lifts his watery gaze up to Jungkook. “Thank you for being the one to push me away.”
A broken look crosses over Jungkook’s face. “Taehyung-ah.”
Taehyung takes a step back and wipes the tears off his cheeks with trembling hands. “I should go,” he mutters, his voice cracking at the end.
He’s not needed here anymore.
“Good night, Kook-ah.” Before Jungkook can utter a single word, Taehyung turns around to hastily walk towards the door, flinging it open without bothering to shut it behind him. His heart feels so raw and it’s beating so fast as Taehyung flees Jungkook’s apartment.
Taehyung had been in a lot of relationships before but none of them lasted. He tried his best to make them work but in the end, he failed. No matter how much he wore his heart on his sleeve, no matter how much he loved, no one stayed.
No one will ever stay.
Taehyung’s hurried footsteps halt to a stop in the middle of an alley which he has no recognition of. He’s lost and cold but strangely, he feels numb all over.
I don’t love you, Tae.
Jungkook’s voice sounds so clear in Taehyung’s mind that he feels another bout of pain plunging deep into his chest.
I’m so sorry.
“You don’t have to apologize.” He sighs shakily, a breath of icy smoke curling over his head. “It’s my own fault.” With his cheek aching, Taehyung casts his eyes down and watches as drops of tears wet the rough pavement under him.
*
Taehyung has gotten texts and calls from Jimin, sometimes Yoongi, asking if he is alright. But he never responded to any of them. Once, Jungkook sent a text message to him saying he was sorry and if it would be alright to talk to him.
Taehyung unplugged his charger and switched off his phone after that.
His friends had tried going to his apartment, even Jungkook, but Taehyung never answered. He spent much of his time outside, wandering around the city aimlessly until he was too tired to walk and the night swallowed everything up.
He doesn’t want to talk to Jungkook — see him more so. His emotions are still so raw and painful and he is a hundred percent sure that he will cry when he sees a glance of him.
Jungkook has hurt him over and over again for three years and this draws the line. The younger made it clear that he has never loved him, would never ever love him, and who is Taehyung to force him?
Strolling along the Han River on a wintry night relaxes Taehyung’s nerves; he’s been doing this routine for the past two weeks and it never failed to bring him a sense of peace and comfort in the middle of the storm.
The naked trees are standing tall along the riverside as the warm light of the lamp posts lining up the pavement illuminates the surrounding, with the water reflecting off the light and sparkling under the moonlit sky.
Taehyung lets out an icy breath behind his scarf and rubs his hands together. He has always loved winter but the dullness and the cold somewhat add to the weight lodged heavily inside his chest.
He jolts slightly in surprise when his phone vibrates in his coat pocket, debating whether to answer it or not. With a sigh, Taehyung pulls the device out of his pocket and sees Jimin’s name flashing on the screen.
Chewing on his chapped bottom lip, Taehyung swipes the green button and presses the phone to his right ear.
“Hello, Taehyung-ah?”
“Hey, Chim,” he says, leaning back against the metal railings and tucking his free hand into his coat pocket.
Taehyung hears a relieved breath coming from the other end of the line.
“Where are you now?”
Taehyung doesn’t answer.
“Tae, please. I’m worried about you,” Jimin tells him and Taehyung can clearly hear the concern in his voice. “You haven’t been going to work; you’ll get fired at this point.”
Taehyung wants to say that he doesn’t care if he gets fired but the reality isn’t like that. Sometimes, he wants the world to stop spinning so he can take a moment to breathe. But life goes on and no one will wait for him.
“I’ll get back soon,” he answers and Jimin knows that that vague answer is the only thing he can elicit out of him.
“Taehyung-ah.” A pause. “Have you talked to Jungkook?”
How can Taehyung even talk to Jungkook if the mere mention of his name causes his heart to ache?
“No. I don’t want to.”
“You have to. He needs to tell you something.”
“If he’s going to ask for an apology, tell him he doesn’t have to,” Taehyung says, lightly kicking a stone off the pavement with the tip of his shoe.
“It’s not just an apology.” He hears his best friend sighing on the phone. “Just listen to what he has to say, hm? If not for him, then please do it for me. Kook really needs to talk to you.”
Taehyung presses his lips together, jaws clenching tightly. “Can’t you just tell me?”
“It’s not my place to say anything.” A brief pause. “Please, Taehyung-ah. Tell me where you are.”
The brunet closes his eyes and lets a few moments pass by before he finds the courage to say, “I’m at Han River Park.”
His best friend sounds relieved after knowing his location and Taehyung hears him say, “Okay. I’ll tell Kook where you are so both of you can talk, yeah? Or do you wanna go and wait at a coffee shop so—”
“No. Here is fine.” Taehyung doesn’t wanna get trapped in a café and have other people hear their conversation. But more than that, he wants a way out if ever his emotions get out of control again. “I’ll wait for him here.”
“Thank you, Taehyung-ah,” Jimin utters but his voice reflects concern and sympathy for him. “Really, this means a lot.”
“Sure. Bye, Jiminie.” Taehyung hangs up and slides the phone back into his coat pocket. He doesn’t know what other stuff Jungkook has to tell him apart from owing him an apology but if it made Jimin plead like that on the phone, then it must be something important.
A huge part of Taehyung’s mind is telling him that he doesn’t care how important it is; he just doesn’t want to see Jungkook at the moment or in the following weeks until the ache in his heart has subsided.
Jungkook probably asked for Jimin’s help to see him, the younger knowing that Taehyung has been avoiding him like the plague. It’s just so hard for Taehyung to see Jungkook right now without feeling the urge to cry.
Half an hour later, Taehyung hears footsteps approaching him and his gaze instinctively lifts up to look in the direction of that sound. He knows he won’t be composed once he sees him but he didn’t know he would be this floored upon the sight of Jungkook after two weeks.
Taehyung’s heart is still aching horribly and his lungs feel like they’re underwater as Jungkook steps closer to him, maintaining a polite distance, uncertainty crossing his features. “Taehyung-ah,” the younger mutters softly, and suddenly, Taehyung forgets how to breathe.
“What do you want?” he asks, perhaps a bit harsher than he intended to because Jungkook flinches a little at his unpleasant tone.
“I… wanna say sorry.” Jungkook flicks his gaze up. “I’m so sorry for hurting you. You were so kind and understanding to me and yet, I took you for granted. I said things I shouldn’t have, things that hurt you.” Another step closer. “I’m really sorry, Taehyung-ah.”
Taehyung feels Jungkook’s fingertips hovering over the faded bruise on his left cheek. He sees the guilt that crosses the younger’s face when Jungkook touches the patch of skin where he had punched him in his drunken and unstable state two weeks ago.
Overwhelmed by the proximity, Taehyung turns his face away, leaving Jungkook’s hand hanging in the air. “Is that all?”
The dismissive words make Jungkook swallow hard and he takes a step back to give Taehyung some space. A beat of silence. “I apologized to Jimin and Yoongi-hyung. I told them that I’m not asking to be forgiven because what I did was wrong and has hurt us all.”
Jungkook’s jaw clenches. “You don’t have to forgive me, Taehyung-ah. I don’t deserve that. I just… wanna say sorry before I leave.”
The last word catches Taehyung’s attention and he turns his face to look at Jungkook who has a dejected and broken expression in his eyes. “Leave?” he asks.
“You can go back to work now. I’m sorry if I’ve made things uncomfortable for you.” A sad smile tugs at the corners of Jungkook’s lips. “I applied for a transfer to Gwangju. I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning.”
Taehyung gapes at the younger as his heart starts pounding louder in his chest. What the hell was Jungkook saying? Transfer? Gwangju?
“You’re going to… Gwangju?” he mutters, trying to conceal the shock in his voice.
Jungkook nods.
“For how long?” asks Taehyung.
He shrugs.
Taehyung feels a wave of anger coursing through his system. “You’re going away?”
The younger’s gaze falls down on the space between them and he says, “It’s better this way.”
The response elicits a bitter chuckle out of Taehyung and he stares into Jungkook’s eyes with exasperation and helplessness on his face. “After fucking things up, you’re just going to run away?” he hisses, and the harsh tone makes Jungkook press his lips together tightly.
Don’t go.
“You’re a goddamn coward, Jungkook.”
Don’t go.
Jungkook’s eyes slip shut as he hangs his head in guilt and shame. “I can’t be here after everything I’ve done,” he says breathily. “All of you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy, and you can’t have that while I’m still here.”
Taehyung’s hands ball into tight fists.
Please .
“You don’t know what happiness means to me, Kook.” Jungkook lifts his eyes up to him, and Taehyung feels the familiar burning sensation at the back of his eyes as tears begin to accumulate in them.
As the cool night air bites onto Taehyung’s skin, his heart shivering and aching at the sight of Jungkook looking so broken and remorseful in front of him, he takes a deep breath and utters, “One day, I will forgive you and laugh at all the bad things that happened between us.”
Jungkook parts his lips slightly as the brunet firmly holds his gaze. “One day, I’m not going to feel anger or love towards you. One day…” Taehyung says with a voice filled with hurt and conviction. “I will stand and look you straight in the eye like this and feel nothing.”
Jungkook’s lashes flutter and one look at Taehyung’s eyes tells him that Jungkook has lost him. “Taehyung-ah,” he utters breathily, voice raw and shaking.
“Good luck with Gwangju,” Taehyung says as he stands up properly, taking a moment to take one last look at Jungkook’s handsome face. “Goodbye, Jungkook-ah.”
Without waiting for a reply, Taehyung turns around to walk away. His heart is breaking with every step he takes away from Jungkook, feeling the dagger stabbed into his heart burying deeper and deeper, but he ignores it.
He endures the pain and the temptation to turn around and hug the younger until everything gets better. Because, no, it won’t. It won’t get better. Not now or in the near future. The wound is fresh and will scar so deeply.
Taehyung will never beg for Jungkook’s love ever again.
*
Two years later…