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11 […]^a Yet again, Judas finds himself lying against Jesus and overcome by great emotion.

²He’s been somber the past few weeks—even Cephas, who matches him in temper and pride, is often cordial and, worst of all, gentle. He treats Judas with the same care he does Andrew, and Judas finds himself embarrassingly grateful.

He’s restless. ³He can feel the Hour’s^b approach upon him like a heavy^c weight that steals the air from his lungs. Judas wonders how Jesus can bear it. If he’s even bearing it at all. Jesus has always exuded strength, ⁴but the Son of God is still just a man; and he is destined to suffer a greater pain than Judas.

⁵“Judas, chaim sheli, your suffering is not less than mine.” Jesus weaves his fingers through Judas’ long curls, dragging his nails across his scalp soothingly. “Tell me what troubles you.”

“Why do you ask, when you already know?” Judas pushes himself up and looks down at Jesus, unabashed by the tears in his eyes.

⁶“It’s polite to ask. And I would rather hear your voice.” Jesus reaches for Judas and cups his face, wiping his cheeks with his thumbs as he does so.

Judas’ stubbornness rears its ugly head, and he flinches from his touch. He extracts himself from Jesus’ side and regrets the decision immediately as the chill night air caresses his back. ⁸Still, he turns away from the Lord and sits at the edge of the mittah^d. ⁹Judas curls into himself and holds his head in his hands, too tired to cry any more. “I never asked to bear this burden.”

¹⁰There’s a rustling of fabrics as Jesus moves closer to Judas. His palm is warm against Judas’ bare shoulder. Despite himself Judas leans into his touch. “I wish I could spare you pain.”

“I know.” Judas runs his fingers through his hair, entangling his hands at the back of his head, palms flat against the sides of his nape. ¹¹Judas’ head remains bowed, and tightly clasped between his forearms. He focuses on breathing. Jesus drags his hand across Judas’ back, settling against his waist. ¹²He leans against Judas, laying his cheek on his shoulder. They stay like this for a while, a quiet coexistence of passion.

Finally, Judas lifts his head up.

“I know.” He repeats, looking at Jesus with a heavy^e heart. “It will be as it is written.”

¹³“Do you truly know, Son of Cyborea?” Jesus asks enigmatically, in a voice that Judas does not recognize.

¹⁵With dark clouds^f before his eyes, Judas answers, “It was foretold, at the eve of my conception, that a son will be born to my mother, and he will betray the Prince of his own people. It must be so, that when the Hour arrives, I will sacrifice the man who bears you.”

¹⁶Jesus simply nods, and bids Judas, “Lie back down; a new day is yet to come. Perhaps the dawn will bring something new.” ¹⁷Judas does what is asked of him, and together they settle on the mittah. Judas chases Jesus’ warmth and finds himself lulled by the sound of his beloved’s steady heartbeat. Judas is nearly asleep when a kiss is placed upon his brow. “I cannot give my life for them if you have it in your hands.”

Footnotes: 

^{a  The first part of this chapter is missing.}

^{b  Gk As in ἡ ὥ ρα τίνος (i óra tínos) to denote the time when one must undergo the destiny appointed him by God: so of Christ. (See Thayer)}

^{c  Heb Here the word כָּבֵד (kabed) is used in the same way as 1 Kgs 12.4; i.e., oppressive, burdensome (cf.LG 11.12f) (See Brown-Driver-Briggs)}

^{d  Heb bed}

^{e  Heb The word כָּבֵד (kabed) is used in the same way as Ex 7.4; i.e., stubborn (cf.LG 11.3c) (See Strong)}

^{f  Heb The word חֹֽשֶׁךְ (choshech) is used in the same way as in Job 37:19; i.e., ignorance (See Brown-Driver-Briggs) pertaining to ignorance.}