Chapter Text
It was being a difficult and tiring shift. There were so many problems to solve and relatives of patients who were quite hostile. She was tired, her head was sick and she felt nauseous. She hadn't eaten enough either, she assumed she felt that way on an empty stomach.
But even if she wanted to, Audrey couldn't feed. She was eating very little, her eating habits had changed since Neil's death just over two months ago.
Everything, in a way, was returning to normal. Except for her, she missed him, his presence, his competitiveness, his cocky smile.
Audrey Lim regretted few things and one of them was the fact that she had not fought for Neil, for their relationship, for their happiness...
She'd been so stubborn and so selfish that even the night she'd had with Neil a few weeks before he died hadn't changed her mind.
It was a relapse, one night, but it wasn't enough for their pride to give way. And she regretted it so much, she should have fought for him and told him that she loved him and that she wanted a lifetime of whiskey with him.
You are a fool.
Audrey felt her eyes water and scolded herself for it. She wasn't one to cry, she was always very firm with everything in her life, there were few times that she found herself crying over something.
The knock on the door made her wipe her tears and after allowing entry, the door was opened by Andrews.
"Are you busy?" He asked bringing with him a folder.
"I'm always busy. What can I be of help with?" She looked at Andrews with the blankest expression she had. She didn't need her old boss to see her in a vulnerable moment. Even more so now that she was his boss.
"I need you to review this case and take it to Glassman and the Board. It's an expensive and delicate operation, it will take almost the entire medical staff." Lim arched an eyebrow and opened the folder.
"Siamese twins." She spoke while reading a few words.
"Babies to be more specific. They turned six months ago a few days ago. The mother cannot afford such a large and expensive surgery. In addition to the separation surgery, they will have to undergo a transplant. Daron will need a liver as he shares his with his brother and Aslan will need a heart. His is failing.” Lim nodded and read the brothers' chart. It would be a tricky case, but not an impossible one.
"I'll talk to Glassman."
"Thanks Lim." He turned away, but stopped and turned again. "By the way, are you okay?"
"Why the question?"
"You look tired and you're kind of pale." She bit her cheek, berating herself for making her tiredness so apparent.
"I'm fine, just a tiring shift."
"Right good night."
"Good evening." Andrews left and she sighed. She was really tired and her body was crying out for rest, even if it was on her couch, but she couldn't sleep right now. She still had work to do and residents to oversee.
She found Park and Murphy checking on a patient. She entered the room and greeted Mr. Carter who was going to have an operation on his ribs. His fiancée was listening attentively to something Park was explaining to her.
Lim grimaced at the girl's sweet scent. She concentrated on the patient's chart and ignored the nausea, fatigue, and persistent pain in her head.
"Your surgery will be done first thing in the morning, I need you to rest Mr. Carter."
"I'll try, but I confess I'm looking forward to changing positions."
"If you do that you could puncture your lung." Murphy spoke looking briefly at Lim a bit curiously.
"We're going to let you rest and I want you two to do the same." She said to both residents who waved. Together they left the room and Park excused himself, saying he had another patient to check on.
“Doctor Lim.”
"Yes Murphy?"
"You should also get some rest. Studies have shown that overwork is unhealthy during pregnancy." Lim instantly locked in place. She looked at Murphy's back as he continued to walk.
"Excuse me?" Shaun stopped and turned around. He had that distant, centered look as if what he just said was no big deal.
"I said that studies have shown that overwork is not healthy during pregnancy." He repeated it slowly without really realizing that his words had disturbed her.
"And what makes you think I'm pregnant Doctor Murphy?" If Shaun had been more attentive perhaps he would have noticed that his tone had taken on an air of seriousness and reproach. But it was just Shaun, she knew he had evolved a lot in the last few years, but he was still Shaun.
"You have all the symptoms of a classic pregnancy. Tiredness, nausea, frequent urination and breast enlargement." Lim frowned and felt a little uncomfortable that Murphy had noticed that. "And of course sensitivity. You are very centered and few things make you cry. But you did cry when we lost that patient last week and you are quite sensitive." Lim cleared his throat.
"And you noticed all this?"
"Yes. It's disconcerting to see so many changes in someone like you." So Murphy left her there completely flustered by what he'd just said.
Regaining his composure, Lim took a deep breath and walked down the hall, there were still a few patients to check.
Murphy's words drummed in her head, but there was no chance of that actually happening. She couldn't be pregnant, not at all. It was almost impossible, but it wasn't either.
Lim sighed and rolled over in bed. She really wanted to strangle Shaun for making her so upset.
Of course she wasn't pregnant, it was unlikely that she was.
But what if she was?
Audrey sighed, she was tired of thinking about it, tired of the workload, tired of how alone she felt.
Her thoughts took her back to Neil and a lump formed in her throat. Her hand went to her stomach, which she was sure was empty, and she let herself cry.
She knew that wasn't true, but deep down she wished it were. However, she told herself not to think about it, let alone get attached to that idea.
It was painful enough to be grieving and suffering for a love she wasn't willing to fight for. The idea of hoping for a possible illusion would be even more devastating.
She wouldn't let Murphy's words upset her, wouldn't harbor that hope.
She would never be a mother.